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Aunty Bella: Miss. Concerned Friend

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature
issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

***

The person in question will like to share her Aunty Bella tale:
I know someone who married a guy because of prophesy; according to her, they said he is her husband. She had more money than him. Footed all the bills. While they were in Nigeria, they opened a joint account. He used the money to finance his girlfriends. They won the lottery and moved. They decided, she will stay in Nigeria since she had a good job and come every 6 months.

He would stay and go to school. While she was working in Lagos, she was paying his bills in the States. She bought 2 cars for him and footed the bills. This man was sleeping with different women and got an Akata pregnant (his wife is TTC) and was not one ounce of remorse to his wife.

She moved to the States (resigned her good paying job) This guy got a job and is still constantly harassing this woman for money to give his baby mama and other girlfriends. Her entire Nigerian savings, she has exhausted here.

He bought a car for his baby mama and then changed it a year after, this woman has no means of transportation. His baby mama will come to their house to beat and shout at her. He will then leave with his baby mama (hugs and kisses o – all while the wife is there watching). He himself will beat her with belt.

He sleeps at his baby mama’s but comes to his wife’s to eat. While she is making his food, he will be gisting with his baby mama and then once he is done eating, he leaves his dishes right there on the table and heads to his baby mamas (daily routine). The man said his baby mama does not know how to cook anything. And this his wife, naija woman can cook for africa. His wife eventually got a job. While she is doing her ghost shifts, his baby mama and kids will be in their house, having family time, fucking e.t.c. This man that I am talking about is a ‘Pastor” and gives people ‘Prophesy’

Everyone keeps telling her he doesn’t love her. Even she says he doesn’t love her based on his actions. But she says she is believing God for a miracle. Is she normal? What is going on here? Are there other people in this kind of situation?

Photo Credit: Dreamtime | Paul Hakimata

34 Comments

  1. Destiny

    December 11, 2015 at 5:03 am

    She is being mentally, physically, emotionally and financially abused in the worst way. When that is happening, the societal rules of normal simply fly out the window coz most likely, she is just trying to keep her head above water at this point.

    Abuse hardly ever starts out of nowhere. An abuser chooses his victims carefully. I am sure if you think of her background there will be clues there. She most likely did not have the best self esteem, maybe a complicated family structure or an overbearing parent, grew up sheltered and naive. Add the spirtual element about the concept of submission and obedience being taken out of context and you have a recipe for disaster.

    Abusers are like sharks, they smell a drop of blood in the water and attack. Then they start to test your boundaries and push them until one does not have any boundaries like this dear lady. Abusers also go through the sweet/mean cycle. So they are fine or act ok, maybe act really in love until something (usually very trivial) sets them off and they blame the victim. The victim then internalises the blame and believes it is all her fault and had she acted better, the abuse would not occur. Then the vicious cycle begins again.

    As a concerned friend, the most that you can do at this point is to simply be there. Don’t let the abuser isolate her to the point she is or feels all alone. Continue to spend time with her, call her, send her small gifts etc. Boost her self esteem with words and actions of affirmation so that she knows that 1. the abuse is not her fault 2. she is a beautiful woman who can do so much better 3. God may be able to part the Red Sea but with an abuser, Jehovah in all his infinite power, simply cannot change an abuser.

    Best of luck to you and your friend.

    • PH Boy

      December 11, 2015 at 10:08 am

      Be there for her ke! Drag her out of that hell now. She is in desperate need of an intervention. You women need to start fighting this shit for real! How absurd can this be and it will only get worse. Our people can so mumu for their so called pastors. And for all reasons to stay; a miracle from God???????? Now she is plain stupid.
      If she was someone close to me…….. only God could save him from me.

  2. jack101

    December 11, 2015 at 5:10 am

    All I can say is that, she needs to receive sense. Not all prophecies are of God. Having a spouse has never implied having a better life. Depending so much on a spouse for happiness is futile and unreal. You have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can infect others with your positive energy. She needs to be reminded that she has one life to live and when she dies, she will be asked how she used that God given brain of hers. I guess she already knows what her answer would be if she continues in that marriage. Loose yourself ma. Shalom!

  3. ElessarisElendil

    December 11, 2015 at 5:23 am

    Everyone keeps telling her he doesn’t love her.: She knows already………..you guys don’t get it, she’s expressly said she’s only in it for the potential miracle, wetin come bring love enter the matter?

    Is she normal?: Normal for a Nigerian…….sure.

    What is going on here?: She’s believing God for a miracle, just like you told us……….over and over again??

    Are there other people in this kind of situation?: Its Nigeria…………so definitely.

    Your friend’s an adult and you’re playing in murky waters here, if she takes your advice and anything bad happens to her, be sha ready to shoulder all the blame.

  4. Babe

    December 11, 2015 at 5:24 am

    Story seems fake…can’t deal!

    • Surely

      December 11, 2015 at 10:36 am

      Give her another that prophecy that the man will kill her with stress-induced cancer then continue to piss on her grave while the other woman’s kids torment her children.

  5. Ocean Beauty

    December 11, 2015 at 5:43 am

    BN which advice are we suppose to give? The lady who foots the wedding bills has automatically married herself.
    Being hopeful is not a crime sha.

  6. abi

    December 11, 2015 at 5:48 am

    Dis na gbege,she is normal,most abused people act like this,won ti get eeee

  7. The real D

    December 11, 2015 at 5:56 am

    Not certain what you can do, this is mugu, i.e a dounce. ok keep waiting on miracle until you are 6 feet under. What is wrong with some people sef. Anyway BN me i need to vent, maybe i should Aunty Bella an Email because maybe i need to understand our people.

  8. nikky

    December 11, 2015 at 6:13 am

    She needs help. Maybe an intervention from the real people that love her. She’s addicted to the emotional pain and torture. If she does not snap out of it, this situation will destroy her literarily.

  9. Me

    December 11, 2015 at 6:20 am

    All these religion something, I don tire sef. Lately I have been doing a lot that makes me happy, asking God for His mercies and leaving what I can’t handle to him. I pray your friend is visited by the Holy Spirit himself and pursued away from that marriage with broom….what arrant nonsense

  10. uche

    December 11, 2015 at 6:31 am

    This is absolute nonsense and highly annoying.
    That woman isn’t normal. She has been deceived, big time

  11. Iris

    December 11, 2015 at 6:48 am

    There’s nothing you can do for her until she decides to help herself *shrugs*

  12. Alexfrizzle

    December 11, 2015 at 7:07 am

    What a woman!! She’s fighting hard to keep her family and save her marriage because she’s a strong African woman but it seems like there’s nothing or little to save. She gave up her career to cater to a selfish man. You can’t cheat and be disrespectful at the same time, that is just crazy. She should leave him before he kills her to make way for his baby mama. He obviously has no regard for her feelings. She should find the nearest exit and run as fast as she can. Miracle ko miracle ni!! To all my sisters and brothers going to pastors for miracles and believing in their prophecies it’s time to wake up.

  13. Bukky

    December 11, 2015 at 7:13 am

    I’m forced to say mind your business . There’s def more to this. This is just your own side of the story .
    Above all this is a lesson to all the ladies out there who always visit one church house to another . It is well

  14. Bam bam

    December 11, 2015 at 7:20 am

    Your friend clearly needs help!

  15. Anonymous

    December 11, 2015 at 7:27 am

    Please tell that woman to receive sense! I’m tired of all these stories jor; miracle for what? If this was my friend, I’ll personally go and undo any juju that is holding her. What nonsense?

  16. missappleberry

    December 11, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Its not a crime to seek a pastors prayer point before choosing a spouse, but while hopping from church to church seeking such revelations, common sense should tell you that, this Jesus the pastors are praying to, can also be be prayed to personally. After doing all your gallivanting from pastor to pastor, still enter your house and seek Jesus opinion personally on the issue. I’m sick of reading stupid articles where people just swallow a pastor’s revelation and render themselves to a life sentence of bullshit. Besides, has she gone to still tell this same pastor about the bullshit she’s going through now? Or its only before marriage one meets such pastor? Maybe only another revelation from the pastor will save her since her legs are crippled as well to work out from the marriage. Bullshit!

    • Surely

      December 11, 2015 at 10:37 am

      It is a crime. And a stupid one at that. Your pastor should not be pointing out a spouse for you. They should be praying for u that God’s will be done

  17. Mystique

    December 11, 2015 at 7:42 am

    Most Nigerian women suffer so much in marriage; WHY???? He treats his mistress better than his own wife? Is it the sex? Or Jazz? Or plain stupidity?…. Stories like this just break my heart.

  18. BlueEyed

    December 11, 2015 at 7:50 am

    R u kidding me? Did I just read that? And she is in the states ?? Please advice your friend to come and read comments on BellaNaija on related posts about cheating men, wife beaters and foolish husbands

  19. Chic

    December 11, 2015 at 8:38 am

    “MUMUOLOGY”! Her self esteem is minus 1000.. I wonder the kind of advise she needs again, when the obvious is staring her in the face.

  20. eva

    December 11, 2015 at 8:41 am

    let her continue to suffer. if she doesn’t have sense to leave him, let her continue to suffer. #pathetic women

  21. F.N Nwapa

    December 11, 2015 at 9:19 am

    In my final year two guys kept pestering me.

    They had both got a revelation from the holy ghost that I was the bone of thier bone. Or something.

    The first guy was a teller at the bank, apparently he had heard me singing a gospel song and because I’m alway “polite and nice”, he decided to hear the voice of God concerning my matter.

    The other guy was the most chauvinistic piece of shit ever, we had absolutely nothing in common and I could not understand why he was fixated on me

    so I tell them both it’s not possible, whatever they heard or dreamt, I was most certainly not their wife (especially as I was a fornicating atheist)

    The second guy calls me one night (right after my boyfriend proposed) and I tell him I am engaged, he starts to cry and beg . Hian! See me trouble!
    I decide to end it by telling him I was pregnant, maybe he would realise the holy ghost was wrong THIS ONE TIME.

    He hangs up immediately, and I am relieved it’s over.
    5 minutes later he calls back and says he has prayed. I AM HIS WIFE and he will “take me like that’. ?

    The first one (pastor ) just tried to add me on Facebook last week.

    The laugh wey I laugh ehn.

    (I’ve been married now for almost 10 years )

    I guess it’s easy to believe prophecies when you are religious/spiritual but haba, let God talk to you too na.

    • Ybbil

      December 11, 2015 at 10:22 am

      Moral of your story?

    • Puzzles

      December 11, 2015 at 10:30 am

      I think those “spiritual” guys were feeling lust, not holy spirit.

    • Surely

      December 11, 2015 at 10:38 am

      Fornicating atheist! Lmaooooo
      See as his misogynist side commot once he had evidence you’d been chooking lol

  22. Lonely Girl...

    December 11, 2015 at 10:30 am

    So ro niyen? Eyan laju e, je ki talubo wole.. (Translation: in pdgin Na talk be that? Person open eye allow make fly enter am)

    Hian, she should give herself brain abeg and RUN. If she is a Christian she would know that God NEVER GIVES US RICHES AND ADDS SORROW TO IT. Christianity is a way of LIFE not a cult.

  23. Ladies & Relationship issues

    December 11, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Just wondering if there is any other thing i read on Aunty Bella if not relationship/marriage issues.

    1. If you need Bella people to advice you on your relationship/marriage, i tell you you ought not to be married. Marriage is for matured people who can take decisions on their own. So to come here asking questions from people who don’t live with you and who don’t know your life, you are definitely not matured enough to be in it.

    2. Every individual can make decisions by themselves. If you can make a decision to marry, you should be able to make other decisions, including knowing when to leave when it is going contrary.

    Your friends knows what to do. When it is time, she will do what she has to do.

    An adage says them never beat you well thats why you are saying it is not paining you. When the beating pass beating and it enters your body, no body will tell you when to leave

  24. JEDDYLUV

    December 11, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    The BIBLE says ”’GET WISDOM AND WITH IT,COMMON SENSE”’…I just weak for this woman…my personal opinion is this”’ALWAYS TAKE YOUR TIME TO CONFIRM ANY ”REVELATION” FROM GOD URSELF.”’If u’re truly His child,He will definitely reveal it to u.God is NOT AN AUTHOR OF CONFUSION BIKO…May GOD help her ooo.

  25. oluchi

    December 11, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    I have read this somewhere before…

    anyway, people should learn to know God for themselves. That way , no one can bedazzle u with insane prophesies.

    • vivian

      December 12, 2015 at 3:28 pm

      i tell you. On sdk blog. Bella naija! Copy cats. Mscheww. Be forming ‘sent in story’ there.

  26. Idomagirl

    December 11, 2015 at 8:04 pm

    I’m tired of these endless ‘pastor said this, pastor said that’ stories. Why are so many people refusing to think for themselves?

  27. matara

    December 12, 2015 at 1:33 am

    Just recently my mumu friend started telling me that she met one doctor guy and that she’s ready to settle down. I was happy for her o. She said the introduction would be in December. Meanwhile, her mum had already gone to meet an alufa who revealed that the guy was her husband and she should stay with him. She’s from a polygamous home and it’s only logical that her mum wants her to marry before her half sisters (the competition is real in her house) Her mum started pestering her to be with the guy always, go to his house and cook his meal. Telling her she would never find someone like him. He was educated, rich and a muslim. I was just observing. I knew the guy was a fake with the little she had told me but I couldn’t say it cuz I didn’t want to be labelled an ‘enemy of progress’ or ‘omo ibo ti o leko’. My friend is 22, she finished her ND last year. This doctor guy started telling her to take jamb again and fill in law. He wanted her to go to Unilag to start over again because he wanted a lawyer wife. Can you imagine? After 2 years of studying mass communication, he wanted her to drop her dreams and aspirations to follow his. When I heard about this, I told her she must be stupid to even start considering such. To cut the long story short, it turned out that this guy was married but separated at that moment and his wife was making move to reconcile and he too wanted reconciliation. My point is; why would the alufa say this guy was her husband? Didn’t he see that he was already married? My friend didn’t give him sex tho… I guess he grew tired of her for not giving him sex and started treating her badly. She left the guy in the end tho

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