It’s October 15, and it’s my birthday. I wake up to see a barrage of birthday messages on my phone; mbok, Naija people una no dey sleep? Ahn…ahn, it’s all love though and I love you all back. Among the birthday shout outs was a message from a toaster. Now this toaster is a little bit on the older side, around the 10-15 years range, but was a single man looking to settle down again.
Let’s call him Kashamaawo. Kashamawo has been on my case for donkey years and my response has always been “bros, you are a bros and I want it to remain that way. I cannot venture into that age gap, too much for me plus I don’t want to be that boo that’s got a boo.” Bros, will always say, “okay I hear you.” He will go date someone else to my relief, and since they all don’t work out he will come back saying, “Seun now, I won’t be going through all this heartbreak if only you would say yes to me.”
Anyway, this is my birthday and I have to go to work as usual so I get ready, in high spirit, fielding phone calls and texting as I open my door to leave my house. Right in front of my house is a big ass red bow on top of something. The bow is so big I can barely tell what’s underneath it. It turns out to be a car. A brand new, ochara, chassis Toyota Camry. My handbag flies off my hand as I walk towards the car in shock and apprehension, wondering who, where, how, for who. A man comes out of another car parked in my neighbor’s parking spot; he’s holding a white envelope and walks towards me. Are you Miss Akinsolo/Akinlo/Akinsoro/, I’m sorry Miss I don’t know how to pronounce your name. I turned and gave him that – “is it my father’s name you just butchered like that” look – then said “why are you asking?”
I be Naija girl now, we don’t claim our own selves until we know why. Too much stories that touch the heart these days.
The man proceeds to say well if you are, this brand new car is for you courtesy of Mr. Kashamaawo, Happy Birthday.
I freeze where I am, not sure if I should cry, scream, be happy, be frustrated, I mean how do I explain this to people. Why on earth has Bros Kashamaawo resulted in using such an expensive gift in winning me over? I then tell the car man, biko I do not want. Please take it back and tell Kashamaawo thanks but no thanks. I get into my Passat and drive to work, still wondering if my head is correct for sending the car back. I mean, can’t I just accept it and still maintain the bros\sis relationship? Would this sit well with my parents? The boo? Abi over reading of the Bible is worrying me? Because any normal thinking young woman would not return this gift.
Kashamaawo calls but I refuse to pick up. He pings but I don’t bother opening BBM. More and more calls but I refuse to answer.
Fast forward to the afternoon, I leave work early and get home only to find another big ass bow on another thing again in front of my house! This time it’s a Mercedes E400 4MATIC! If you know this car, you’ll know it’s a badass car.
The same car sales man comes out of his own car with that envelope again; Miss Akinlo/Akinsoro/ Akinsolotu, I am so sorry ma’am; I will get your name right soon. Mr. Kashamaawo felt you were offended with the Toyota so he decided to send this Mercedes instead. I hope we got it right this time around.
At this point, I’m weak. I just walked around the car in amazement; I opened the door to see the inside, and mehnnnn it’s the fully loaded version. I quickly shut the car door and walked towards the entrance of my house, turned and told the sales man, No thanks, please take it away. I quickly entered my house before I changed my mind.
2 minutes later bros Kashamawo starts calling incessantly but I refuse to pick up.
2 hours later, my doorbell rings, and I open it only to see the car sales man outside my house again! Behind him was an even bigger bow on a Range Rover Sport. I immediately started shouting ohhhh myyyyy Lordddd; next thing I felt was someone (my mum) shaking me and talking: Seun, Seun, Seunnnnnn, won’t you wake up? It’s past 7am o, what kind of sleep are you sleeping like that…ahn..ahn, come and help me look at this picture I want to use as my Facebook profile picture.
Mcheww, so wait o, I was just dreaming this entire time? No Kashamaawo, no Range? Mehnnnn….
Dear Bella Naijarians, what kind of extravagant gifts have you received from toasters, even from the sugar and splenda types.
Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Ron Chapple