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Life Hacks with Toby: Even Your Boo Get a Boo

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dreamstime_l_45714522Linda started seeing Okey in her first year in school. He was a fourth year Mechanical Engineering student while she was in Statistics. They met in one of the fast food centres in school a few weeks after her matriculation, and a wonderful love affair started.

Unlike what was obtainable in most relationships on campus, this couple somehow managed to stay together for two years until Okey’s graduation. There were no stories, ‘no cheating’, no prolonged fights, etc.

According to the gist, Okey went for his NYSC the following year as Linda tried to round off her studies. Few months later, Linda woke up to a loud bang on her door very early in the morning. It was by Constance, the same girl Okey told her was a distant cousin. She had come to warn her to leave ‘her man’ for her.

Linda was confused initially, but started making enquiries. Of course her boyfriend denied the story when she called. But she later found out that Constance was his ex. They had been breaking up and making up long before Linda got admission. In fact, Okey told her that Linda was also a distant cousin, and he was just playing big brother role.

Somehow, the player managed to play and kpansh both of them for two years without either one finding out.

No be small thing o.

At this point I can’t help asking, does everybody double date?

To be clear, when I say double dating, I don’t mean when you just go for a dinner or lunch date with someone else apart from your boo. Dating in this context refers to actually ‘seeing’ someone else, or encouraging someone to see you when you are dating someone else.

What of those that are married? Are they left out? Mba o.

You know eh, some people have a firm belief that any human being with a ‘third leg’ is liable to cheat. This makes some people become CIA agents automatically once they are married. Imagine a spouse snooping through drawers, pockets, checking chats and emails, looking for a lead as if they are detectives trying to solve a crime.

The other group of people do the weirdest thing. These people go as far as even packing condoms for their husbands when they go for their business trips. Seriously!

But then, how does a relationship feel when trust is absent? Topic for another day!

To be frank, the issue of being side-chicks or side-cockerels as the case may be has been with us for a long time. Imagine someone who had the ability to marry 700 wives, what else is he still looking for? Yet, the same man still managed to keep a harem of 300 side-chicks. I duff cap for that man jare. Oga Solo was not a small somebodi o.

By the way, side chicks or cockerels in this context include the upgraded level called mistresses and uncles. According to my dictionary, anybody that anyone in a committed relationship is cheating with is a side chick or cockerel.

Trust oyibo people naa. Dey sabi look for something where nothing dey. As far as some of them are concerned, cheating goes beyond performing sexual acts with someone else when one is committed in a relationship with another person.

From what I gather, there is emotional infidelity too. This one usually happens when you have a very close friend of the opposite sex that you share intimate things with in details.

I guess you are asking, “Ehen, what is wrong with that naa?”

Nothing is wrong with having close friends and confidantes; but it becomes risky when it is someone of the opposite sex. It is like playing with fire. In fact, even if it is in a spiritual context, like prayer partnerships, the thing dikwa very risky. I mean, na handshake dey lead to embrace.

That reminds me of a flying gist I heard recently. It was about a particular babe, babe X, who was engaged to a Bros A. But babe X was equally seeing and kpanshing bros B. Her logic was that “adighi akwu ofu ebe enene mmonwu” (You don’t stay in one place to watch masquerades).

Not too long afterwards, babe X got pregnant and naturally took the belle to bros A. Bros A got angry and denied the pregnancy, claiming that he had always used condoms.

At that point, babe X opened up and confirmed the flying gist. The engagement was called off immediately after that revelation, and babe X terminated the pregnancy too.

To some people, babe X was just being smart. The only mistake she made was not using protection. To another set of people, every exclusive relationship deserves exclusive faithfulness and honesty.

Yesoo, there are so many schools of thoughts to this.

The first school of thought justify their belief with the fact that most people can’t be trusted. And so far as you are not sure of whether your boo get another boo, you should play smart.

The popular advice in this school is, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”.

The second school of thought however believes you should put all your eggs in one basket and watch that basket very closely. Omoh, I fitn’t come and turn to FBI agent on top relationship matter o.

My own school of thought says to put all your eggs in God’s hands and go to sleep. Works for me jare. I no get strength to dey form James Bond.

To each man their own.

Over to you. Do you double date? How do you manage it?

What is your view on exclusivity in relationships?

Is it wise to be totally committed to someone who hasn’t paid your dowry?

Is it dumb to stay 100% faithful to a guy/girl who is living and working in another city, especially when you are not so sure that he/she is 100% faithful to you?

What do you do when you find out you are someone’s side chick/cockerel?

Let the comments start rolling.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Toby Nwazor is a free lance writer and motivational speaker who believes that life is meant to be lived and not just existed in. He is equally an entrepreneur with a lot of hands-on experience in business start-ups, marketing, and customer service. He passionately writes every Monday and Wednesday on www.mystartupceo.com about helping entrepreneurs and aspiring entrepreneurs build successful start-ups

34 Comments

  1. diana

    February 19, 2016 at 11:26 am

    On a side note, How do I forget an ex that has moved on? Practically, I have done everything possible but my mind keeps wandering back to him. I feel like calling just to hear his voice. I just miss him so so much. But I need to move on too and its so hard to tame my heart to forget. What do I do please?

    • Another angle

      February 19, 2016 at 12:25 pm

      First of all, delete him from all your social media accounts. Get your sexy on. Whiten your teeth, reduce your waistline, improve your make up skills and accentuate your best attributes. Approach a very fine boy in your office/school and start a conversation with him (not to sleep with him, but to get your confidence on). Get out of your comfort zone and set yourself for a challenge. Devote your energy into making it work and notice how you light up with excitement anytime you think of how beautiful the outcome would be. It could be enrolling for a post grad or saving up for a solo euro trip. After one project is done, move ahead to the next challenge whilst getting your sexy on. You can do it. Remain gracious throughout.
      Never lose yourself in a man to the extent your life comes to a halt after you are no longer together. This is something most powerful and beautiful women like Beyoncé have done and it works.

    • Khayc

      February 19, 2016 at 12:42 pm

      The Truth is your less busy, if u engage yourself to a skill or hobby that would yield money or knowledge those thoughts would go away. Try and make sure your not alone, go out with friends, be happy. Your worth more than letting your happiness be dependent on a man. Even God would be jealous you did so. He is a jealous GOD…..

    • Toby Nwazor

      February 19, 2016 at 4:18 pm

      You are so on point Khayc. It’s great to have you here

    • Toby Nwazor

      February 19, 2016 at 12:46 pm

      Hello Diana,

      I am so glad you are still standing strong. You said it is so hard to tame your mind. I am happy you said it is not impossible. By moving on I guess you mean he is either married already or in another relationship. In that case, try and go cold turkey. Our minds work with what we feed it.

      Remove his pictures. Delete his old messages. Just remove everything that reminds you of him. That’s the best way forward. Other than that, you will just keep hurting yourself. With time, you will get over him. And I believe you will also find someone else to shower your love on.

      Good luck

    • diana

      February 19, 2016 at 3:03 pm

      Thanks Everyone for the kind words. It has helped me get through today.
      @Toby, I am sorry for digressing from your main topic. When I was reading your piece, the thing that came to my mind was that I wish I had a side boo during my relationship. If nothing, as a springboard to distract me from the feelings am having now. By nature, I love hard and expect the same in return. I loved my ex so much and maybe I stifled him with my affections. If I had a side boo to spread and share that love with, perhaps….
      people cheat for so many reasons beside sex. Sometimes, people need that additional emotional validation or they simply find something in another person that is missing in their partners. As rightly pointed out, humans disappoint alot hence the need for ‘other eggs in the basket’. I was religiously faithful in my last relationship but at times, I was really tempted to taste another waters.
      Double dating is morally dishonest so I dont endorse it but, I dont blame women who get second (or multiple) options to console themselves should humans act human.
      Yes people need time to heal but sometimes, removing yourself from a situation mentally helps that healing process.
      Just my thoughts anyways, from the pit of heartbreak. Maybe I may change ,my opinion but at the moment, my experience is defining my outlook to the issue of double boos.

    • anonymous

      February 22, 2016 at 10:58 am

      @diana am presently going through same experience, You have to move on and make new friends. Just incase you need a friend or someone to talk to. kindly send an email [email protected]

    • Kk

      February 19, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      You are not ready yet. DELETE him. His name, phone number, everything that sounds like him. Infact, delete anyone you know that bears the same name with him.

    • hello

      February 19, 2016 at 4:24 pm

      find a rebound and do not commit. Worked for me

    • faith

      February 20, 2016 at 7:14 am

      I know how u feel…it’s becos of the great sex(s) u guys had wen u were together(as in he was wicked in bed)… don’t worry wen u get another great sex guy u will forget him trust me….

  2. OLUWA LISA

    February 19, 2016 at 11:27 am

    i dont ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  3. God'sangel

    February 19, 2016 at 11:39 am

    @diana I am sorry but at one point or the other we ve all had that experience of trying to move on. The simple truth is, it is very difficult especially when u still nurture some sort of feeling for this person. Just have the self control and move on, no text no calls. Time heals all wounds no matter how deep.

  4. Cookies?

    February 19, 2016 at 11:45 am

    Being faithful has been so cruel to me.How do you move on from someone you’ve been faithfull to and soooo in love with after being in a committed relationship of 4 years, only to find out that he has been cheating on you, and isn’t very sorry about it. I’m in shambles, I’m 35 years. How do I start over and build trust again? How do I deal with the pressure of bringing home a man? There is a God I know….still waiting on the plans he has for me?#broken hearted #Lordhealmyfragileheart

    • bb

      February 19, 2016 at 12:47 pm

      Sister, sorry o. But how come you were in a ‘relationship’ for 4 years? that means you started ‘dating’ when you were 31 – sometimes we are the cause of our problems, is the relationship a degree? Sorry if I sound cruel, but fellow sisters have to learn from these mistakes. Try to get on with your life and soon, you will find your footing again. Much love.

    • Sisieko

      February 19, 2016 at 1:01 pm

      Cookies, sorry for what you are going through. It hurts I know but with time you will get over it. Only you can determine how long it will take. You WILL find love with the right person. Age is truly nothing but a number. Remain strong.

    • Benita

      February 19, 2016 at 1:23 pm

      I feel ur pain dear, just know dat there is a God and he has plans for u need matter d age or time. Stay strong and be happy put on ur best smile, because ur best is on the way.

    • Another angle

      February 19, 2016 at 1:47 pm

      How to deal with pressure: try and move away from your environment.

    • Tosin

      February 19, 2016 at 4:07 pm

      Sorry Babe.
      When there is life, there is hope.
      Truth is, everything is nothing. Women, all these things are nothing. Nothing. Men, …

    • Ope

      February 19, 2016 at 8:13 pm

      @Diana, if you can’t delete his pictures,messages etc. Transfer the vital files and contacts you have on your phone,then get it flashed. Go out more,make new friends and don’t stay locked up indoors. Stay strong
      @cookies,they say a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. A friend of mine dated his Ex-wife for nine years,from their 100lev days till they got married. They didn’t celebrate two 25th of dec together as man and wife. The union produced a baby girl. The dude and his ex-wife,are the only kids between their parents before they separated. Broken marriage and continuation of generational curse,which I pray and rebuke for the baby girl. Another friend dated his wife for ten years,they are married,living happily and waxing stronger like they just met. Note to self,telling people how to overcome issues of this nature seem simple. I’ve refused to date after my last relationship went south,8months and counting. Decided to go all out have fun. Joined different platforms,before I knew what was happening, I had 165 contacts with just 4 guys and 161 ladies. Yet I feel empty inside. Turned 34 on Tuesday,single,celebate and. Breaking grounds..

    • Arin

      February 20, 2016 at 11:50 am

      I’m so sorry.

  5. Mr y

    February 19, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    @diana The truth is…its not easy. But i tink what u nid 2 do is to occupy urself with something…something that wud occupy ur mind if possible…give that guy u have in friend zone a chance. If thers any like that. Avoid being idle and trying to be strong by urself it dosnt work like that…somtyms we get 2 engrossed in people and think they are the only ones in the world….honey u need 2 go out more package urself and go out more make more friends. But dont push urself 2much take oneday @ a tym.,and if its any consolation there are many wu hav been in ur shoes and survived.

  6. Toby Nwazor

    February 19, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Amen to your prayers for healing on your fragile heart @ Cookies.

    Never forget that God still has plans for you. Things may get tough, but it doesn’t erase the plans.

    That said, “How do I deal with the pressure of bringing home a man?”… Is the pressure going to help you bring home the said man? I guess not!

    Confront the source of the said pressure. I believe it’s from your family. Probably your mum. Let her know that the pressure is not working. She is a mother, fine. But undue pressure won’t get you married. It could even make you take the wrong steps.

    Shaa have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her what you rather expect from her like being your mom and being good friends with you without always telling you of “one of your mates that just got married”.

    In conclusion, if you don’t want it, stop watching it. If you want it to stop, confront it. Complaining or crying or ignoring it won’t make it stop. #HardTruth.

    Good luck Cookies

  7. mee

    February 19, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    In another story never knew men can desire to be side chicks or side guys. That”s how dis dude has been asking me out but i keep telling him that am in a serious relationship and i don’t have his time. Lo and behold mr dude proposed to become a spare tyre to me i am like u want to become the other guy and mr dude says no problem. So am thinking nor be only ladies be side chicks there are also many side guys out there.

    • Doxa

      February 19, 2016 at 7:21 pm

      The guy just wants SEX. He just wants to sleep with you, that’s ALL he wants. In the end you will look like a fool. That’s the only reason he doesn’t mind not being your main guy, he does not even want to be the main guy sef, it’s better for him. He will juat chop and clean mouth.

  8. Nnenna

    February 19, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    I can’t double date oh. I’ll.. as Toby put it ” put all my eggs in one basket and hand over to God to watch”. one relationship is stressful enough biko. the sister that was gbenshing” two people tried. I crave exclusivity ohhh, if Bobo doesn’t want to be exclusive… nna.. to the left, to the left. if you’re not faithful in ordinary relationship is it in marriage you’ll automatically learn the craft????

    • Toby Nwazor

      February 19, 2016 at 4:22 pm

      So true Nnenna. Anyone that is cheating in a relationship is likely to cheat in marriage. Or like a particular pastor I listened to recently put it, if he can’t control himself around you now, he has self control issues, and he will find it difficult controlling himself around your house maid and sisters when you finally get married

  9. Ahneetah

    February 19, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Hmm…for me,I would suggest you put your eggs in one basket and ensure that it is boiled incase the basket falls,your eggs don’t get broken and if you couldn’t sell using a particular basket,your eggs still don’t get spoilt then,you can resell in another!!

    • Toby Nwazor

      February 19, 2016 at 4:19 pm

      That’s the funniest comment of the day Ahneetah. You just made me have a hearty laugh

  10. Tosin

    February 19, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    The masquerade proverb…oh my, will you be my grandpa?

  11. coded

    February 19, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    Personally, I don’t see anything wrong wit having a side boo. Instead of holding on to a relationship dat ur not sure will work, y not ‘ve a substitute, should in case something goes wrong with one. Dat way u will not ‘ve to b dat heart broken.

  12. Ope

    February 19, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    @Diana, if you can’t delete his pictures,messages etc. Transfer the vital files and contacts you have on your phone,then get it flashed. Go out more,make new friends and don’t stay locked up indoors. Stay strong
    @cookies,they say a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. A friend of mine dated his Ex-wife for nine years,from their 100lev days till they got married. They didn’t celebrate two 25th of dec together as man and wife. The union produced a baby girl. The dude and his ex-wife,are the only kids between their parents before they separated. Broken marriage and continuation of generational curse,which I pray and rebuke for the baby girl. Another friend dated his wife for ten years,they are married,living happily and waxing stronger like they just met. Note to self,telling people how to overcome issues of this nature seem simple. I’ve refused to date after my last relationship went south,8months and counting. Decided to go all out have fun. Joined different platforms,before I knew what was happening, I had 165 contacts with just 4 guys and 161 ladies. Yet I feel empty inside. Turned 34 on Tuesday,single,celebate and. Breaking grounds..

  13. Kender

    February 19, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    The comments made my day.

  14. Cynthia

    February 20, 2016 at 3:49 am

    Great write up Toby (my friend that has forgotten me). For me, I’d rather stay faithful. Its rather stressful keeping up with two guys at the same time.

    …………and i spent valentine without a boo………..

  15. G.G

    February 26, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    Toby, kip it up

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