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Iniobong Umoh: This Thing About Selfies… Who Are We Really Slaying?

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dreamstime_l_14723246You love taking selfies at every given opportunity. Your mobile phone is always with you at all times because you use the camera on the go to snap your cool pictures. You can truthfully admit to yourself that you are addicted to snapping pictures.

You upload your pictures on your social media pages. You share your pictures with your friends and followers on Facebook, Twitter, Whatspp, Instagram, Bbm, Badoo etc. You like it when the comments start dropping on your pictures. You like it when your friends compliment you on how good you look, on how nice your dress is, on how sleek your shoes are, etc. You love it when you have 200+ likes on the pictures. You are delighted because everybody knows that you are a hot guy/chick. It gives you a feeling of importance and of being loved, doesn’t it?

You have realized that taking a successful selfie is a process. There are steps to be taken. You do not just snap and post. To create the desired effect on your admirers, your pictures must undergo several processes of editing with photo editing apps and filters. A not-so-fine picture will be a dent on the image and reputation that you have carefully built up online over the years.

So you start by applying makeup on your face; you dare not snap with your natural face. You do not want your admirers to see the pimples, the warts, the wrinkles and all the imperfections on your face. A generous application of House of Tara powder, Mary Kay foundation, eyeliners, eye shadows, etc dolls up your face and gets you ready for the perfect selfie.

You then adopt a suitable posture. You must bend your legs and twist them like a disabled person otherwise the picture you are snapping will not be fine. You then make a variety of faces; duck-face, innocent face, pouting face, tongue hanging sideways out of mouth face, angry face and other spontaneous facial expressions.

You don’t have to worry about the background of the picture. Even if you live in a rundown shack in a God forsaken ghetto, you can always tush up the background with your photo editing skills. It is a crime for your friends to know where you live if the area isn’t a classy neighbourhood. If you are worried about the background, you can look for a posh place to take your selfie. The popular places are; your boyfriend’s car, the interior of a hotel, your boyfriend’s car or your neighbour’s big black gate.

You snap as many selfies as you can. Then you choose the finest ones and spend time to edit the pictures. You effect the transformational change that will give you the status of a beauty queen.

Camera 360, Camera 360 plus, Beauty Plus, Photowonder, Photogrid, picframes, Instagram filters etc are the apps you use for the editing work. When you are done with editing, you upload the pictures.

The caption on your picture must be totally unrelated to the picture. You search for a wise quote on Google search and use it as a caption. This must be adhered to strictly. You must not post any picture without a caption. When you are too lazy to copy and paste a wise quote, you hashtag any of the following as captions: ”’Self crush’, ‘I woke up like this’, ‘Jesus bae’, ‘Life of a hustler’, ‘boo of life’, ‘throwback Thursday’, ‘wcw’” etc. Don’t forget the fact that the wise quote captions must be unrelated to the picture.

You upload your picture with a smile. Your eyebrows are on fleek, your hair is dope, your swag is on point, your face is facebeat, you are slaying everything. You are a slayer, killing em softly.

But what use is a picture without comments and likes? You have to get people to see your picture and drop their comments. You quickly tag all your friends on the post. The minimum number that you tag on a single picture is 200 people. The comments pour in and you reply them with humility. It is not your fault that you are so beautiful, you give all the glory to God. You are happy. Your self esteem and ego is boosted. Your friends proclaim you to be the most beautiful thing ever created by God. The guys are falling in love with you.

You read the comments watching out for the bad ones. The bad comments come from the people who refuse to sing your praises. Anyone who tries to reprimand you or frowns on your skimpy sexy dressing is a hater. His/her comment must be deleted and he/she gets blocked by you. No one must spoil your picture for you.

Taking of selfies is your fundamental human right and you are not willing to negotiate this with anybody. You take your selfies at any time and in any place. No matter how solemn an occasion is, you must have a quick selfie. You snap inside the church while the pastor is preaching. You snap during the board meeting of the company you work in. You snap inside the lecture hall in school, while your lecturer is blabbing away. You hate distractions when you are snapping your selfies. A customer should not disturb when you are taking a quick selfie in the bank at your teller desk. Your major goal in life is to snap as many selfies as possible.

You snap with the corpse of the deceased person at a funeral service. At a wedding ceremony, you take more pictures than the bride with your long selfie stick.

Your Selfie addiction has made you become a citizen journalist. You take pictures of what is happening around you and upload it on your twitter page tagging the popular news media accounts. You get to the scene of a ghastly motor accident where the victims are lying on the ground bleeding and appealing for your help in seeking emergency medical treatment; you bring out your phone and begin snapping away. You upload the pictures onto your facebook and twitter with a cool hashtag. Life is ebbing away fast from the accident victims but you will not lend a helping hand by rushing them to a hospital for treatment, your duty is to snap and record their final moments on earth.

You have a minimum of 3000 pictures of your lovely face in your memory card. The number is too small for your liking. You are bent on snapping more because the more selfies you upload, the more popular you become, the greater the number of likes you get, the greater the attention you get from the opposite sex. You keep on snapping every day because your selfies defines who you are to the world. Your selfies portray you as rich, happy and successful in life even if you are sipping garri with cracked palm kernel nuts twice daily.

There are some people who think they can snap better pictures than you. They are in a competition with you for the spot of the Selfie king/queen. You must outdo them. You must show them that nobody can take the top spot from you. While they upload 5 selfies in a day, you upload 10 quality selfies. You are more alluring, you are more daring and your selfies are more sexy than theirs. Your upload have more likes and comments than theirs. You are the selfie queen/king. You are ahead of the competition and nobody can dethrone you.

Your greatest source of concern is that your battery will soon run down. So you are always with your power-bank to charge your phone. You walk around with your phone charger, looking for electric sockets to charge your battery which is always in a perpetual state of low voltage.

You love your selfies and your selfies love you. If your phone and all your camera gadgets gets stolen and you stay for a few days without taking a selfie, you will fall sick. If you are not treated with selfie pills and tablets, within few days, you will close your eyes. The last breath will slowly leave your nostrils, your body will become cold and stiff. And you will die.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Iniobong Umoh is a multi-contextual writer, story teller and brand content creator. He writes with a touch of humour, satire and reality.Email: [email protected] IG: @ini_leroi Twitter: @iniobong_

49 Comments

  1. Ebere Owah

    April 27, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    hahaha I love this piece, I like taking selfies but I don’t think I am an addict and I definitely don’t do it to show off or slay. Well said Ini

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:19 pm

      Thanks Ebere

  2. ade_suwa

    April 27, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    goshhh!!!!!!! this is one hilarious write up. LMAO

  3. missjay

    April 27, 2016 at 3:08 pm

    hahahahahahaha. read and waiting for comments.

  4. sammiewolf

    April 27, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    Interesting!

  5. SS

    April 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    I so pity our generation,people wait for likes and comments of strangers to validate their existence…..our values slowly sliding away……Toke Makinwa them,uploaders of well baked face for the gram,well what do I know,last time I heard she claimed she makes money off social media…..

  6. chinny

    April 27, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    lol.. so true.

  7. Mercygal

    April 27, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    HAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……. I FITINT LAFF
    “HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE, EVEN IF YOU ARE DRINKING SOAKED GARRI WITH CRACKED PALM KERNEL ” FUNNY FOR THE HOT AFTERNOON

    • Tosin

      April 28, 2016 at 6:07 pm

      laughed hard at palm kernel nuts too, as in, ekuro.
      how many of you even know what ekuro is looool

  8. NMA

    April 27, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    I know of someone who threatens to de-friend you if you don’t LIKE her pictures. Yes, it is that bad ladies and gentlemen. To make things worse, she captions her pictures with biblical or christian undertones ( we serve a living God, God is good. Jesus is my saviour, Happy church sunday) which is very troubling. All under the guise of parading vain photos of herself in figure revealing clothes, boob baring, buttocks flashing, make-up revealing hot mess. Seriously!!!

    • Lola

      April 27, 2016 at 4:56 pm

      ????? there are some that will even call their friends and say ‘ I have uploaded o, better Goan like and comment’ Goshhh. It’s such a pity tho, people believe if they have no likes or Instagram they are less beautiful. Such mentality.

  9. Cheekie

    April 27, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    Well……They are slaying for themselves but more importantly for the gram,for the attention,for marketing/advertising themselves(the hustle is real), for show,for some sorta validation,some it’s for work/to get noticed for jobs(some people have genuinely built careers through this medium like play like play..
    And for others they are simply going with the selfie culture flow and don’t want to be left behind..

  10. beauty

    April 27, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    Check my phone and you’ll find 5000 pictures if not more *wide grin* *just kiddin*. Nice write up!

  11. VEAR

    April 27, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    Lol luv dis piece i like taken pics alots dats what i exactly do always !!!!!!

  12. desiigner

    April 27, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    ” You then adopt a suitable posture.You must bend your legs and twist them like a disabled person…..” LMAO!!! some go wan break neck on top sef !! haba !!

    • le coco

      April 27, 2016 at 6:01 pm

      What about those the bend their legs.. and look on the ground d asif somehing fell.. or those that cover their mouth( I don’t even know what that means) and those that put their finger on their nose asif sometime deh smell.. lol this generation nor go kill person

  13. Jay-en/ I'd rather remain anonymous

    April 27, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    I can’t at the ‘bend leg like disabled ‘ guilty

  14. naturedozit

    April 27, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    I only take pictures when i’m wearing something new that I made. Yes,I’m a designer,tailor,anyone u choose. It helps advertise the business. Met half of my clients on social media.

  15. Miss T

    April 27, 2016 at 4:38 pm

    lol i really dint blink till the end, very funny but true…i must agree with the likes bursting ur self esteem thingy…i scul and work so i dont have lots of time to while away but i snap wen i have a new dress on or new hairdo or something like dat sha and its actually fun but i never wana be the person in this writ-up, it is disturbing, everyone feels gud wen they get lots of likes and nice comments but pls too much of everything is bad. people used to call me selfie goddess lol but with time i totally adjusted, i don’t change my dp in months nd my friends will ask if am ok lol.

  16. Truth

    April 27, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    Lol….. Funny guy!

  17. TeeS

    April 27, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    I don’t have social media cus I’m scared I’ll turn into this person. Sad but true , the ego boosting will be out of this world. I often tell my friends if I join Facebook , Instagram , Twitter, snap chat or whatever and I post something and you don’t say bae, fleeky fleek, push through and all that stuff I’ll defried you! Lol!
    Thank God I don’t have one, id be a monster

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:22 pm

      TeeS you don’t have to be scared of using social media because of selfie addiction. Social media can affect your life positively.

  18. Great Lady

    April 27, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    “If you are not treated with selfie pills and tablets, within few days, you will close your eyes. The last breath will slowly leave your nostrils, your body will become cold and stiff. And you will die.” This part made me laugh.

    • Hephie Brown

      April 27, 2016 at 6:01 pm

      I was waiting for the conclusion, like some sort of advice or to hear its medical condition, but they die? mehn that was it.. frigging hilarious! I have about 7000 photos on my phone, 4000 of just me,, and 3000 of funny dps, friends, screenshots…but i never post them…and they are mostly ugly(by social media standards) but i change bbm dp tho., the only social media i remember i have but still too busy to reply chats(i love my patient friends). I am not addicted, i just believe in memories! So,i document myself as i go on that house hunt or the day i wore this dress, or the day they fired people in m office..u know..stuff worth remembering the day i took the photo

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:23 pm

      Hephie with 7000 pictures, i suggest you should start a picture blog. What do you think?

    • Hephie Brown

      April 29, 2016 at 10:36 am

      hahaha u flatter my pictures! site visits would be like 19 in a year!

  19. Oma D

    April 27, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    Leroi, this is by far one of the funniest piece I’ve read from a Nigerian writer & I sincerely mean it…I was in stitches from start to finish, now am late to catch the tube, I will definitely send this to my younger sisters, this topic has become a constant quarrel between them and our mum, is there a pill for them to take to be cured before they start bending legs….lmaooooo you just made my evening…

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      Thanks Oma D for reading and for the compliment. Sorry about the lateness, i hope you were able to catch the tube in time. Research on the pill for selfie addiction is ongoing. We will release it soon 🙂

  20. Sai sai

    April 27, 2016 at 6:25 pm

    Hahahahhahahaha!This is so true, I keep wondering why I need to add captions that no way interpretes the uploaded pictures.Smh!
    I am guilty of almost all except I know iwon’t die if I don’t take a selfie and I don’t have a power bank, if my phone Battery dies, I just gist away the time..

  21. AAA

    April 27, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    “…And you will die”.

    I just fell off my chair after reading that!

  22. Debbie

    April 27, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    true…..so true…just made my day.have to send this to my friends they really need this

  23. Pinopino

    April 27, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Dear Writer,
    This is bloody hilarious especially the last few lines. When I realised taking selfie is a mild of Narcissism, I took anti-Selfie pills and watch ” the selfie takers’ from the sidelines.
    Ps, you made my evening!

  24. Pinopino

    April 27, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Mild form of narcissism

  25. jecy

    April 27, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    i just cant stop laughing Leroi. I only take selfies whenever i dress diffrently from the normal way i used to be especially if i go somewhere or for an event just for memories but i dont even bother posting them. Well i only realised recently that they are rules on instagram and i have dont care about it. Abeg Ini post this on LC.

  26. Oma

    April 27, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Lol! kudos Iniobong! on point! hahahaha @twisted legs, tongue-sticking out selfies etc, LOL!!! I always remember the scripture that says, in the last days, people shall be LOVERS OF THEMSELVES!…how true. #smh

  27. Kiki

    April 28, 2016 at 9:08 am

    Gbam….. This amazing and wonderful writer is just toooooooo much! #KeepSayingItAsItIs

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      Thanks Kiki

  28. Olayinka Kofoshy

    April 28, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Very funny piece leroi…totally enjoyed it proud of u bro

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:29 pm

      Thanks Olayinka 🙂

  29. Corah Jackson

    April 28, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Hahahahahahahah…. the last part abt selfie pills n tabs……?very hilarious. … funny n interesting piece, buh yu are only focusing on the ladies ooooo. I kno some men who are more obsessed than women jare.

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:30 pm

      LOl, Corah…ladies take more selfies than guys

  30. Teekoal

    April 28, 2016 at 10:18 am

    Well said Leroi

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:30 pm

      Thanks Teecoal

  31. Ini

    April 28, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    Leroi! Leroi! This piece is ‘cocastic!’ You are doing great, Koko. Kudos!

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 28, 2016 at 4:36 pm

      Thanks eyeneka

  32. Non addict

    April 28, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    Excellent piece! Really, as hilarious as this write-up may be, this whole selfie thingy should be of great concern! Its sad watching children grow into adults dedicating their lives to having at least one perfect selfie a day. Sad! Real Sad!!

  33. Jackie

    April 28, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    Great piece! I loved every bit of it.

  34. Unyime Jackson

    April 28, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    We are in a selfie taking period in our human evolution. Lolz. The phones are made for selfies, there are selfie sticks to enhance your selfies. The imbecilic postures are most hilarious!

  35. Blair John

    August 10, 2017 at 8:27 am

    Just reading this and it’s really hilarious and educative at the same time.
    Nice write up Uncle Leroi

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