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Nkem Ndem: Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat?

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Nkem NdemI started life with the mentality and belief that men are cheats. Maybe because my dad was a polygamous man, and over the years I’ve had male relatives and friends who constantly brag about their two-timing games. In the last few years, though, I have desperately tried to change the conception and instead, believe that fidelity is achievable…and that not all men cheat.

I mean, I know firsthand that with God all things are possible, people can change… but it seems knowledge and life experience have me on a bind. I have rather come to realise a few other things too: Men are not the only cheats, women are huge culprits too.
“True love” is not enough to restrict wandering genitals (yes, this does not only apply to men); and anyone who cheats one time, will most probably do it again, the only clear exception being in the case they were neutered the first time they were caught.

You are probably already shaking your head, ready to vouch for your man or woman and curse me to the ground for sharing my opinions but before you do that, take a pause and continue.

My cousin recently found out his wife was cheating on him again and he came to my mum to seek advice. It so happened that I was in the room. The summary of my mum’s advice was “Be sure before you close that door”. However, she failed to address one particular question my cousin kept asking. “But… I do everything for her, why would she be cheating on me over and over again like this?”

True to his word, his wife had lost her job late last year over a sex scandal with a co-worker, a few months into their marriage. He forgave her and had since been supporting her, never nagging, and giving her everything she wanted. The thing, though, was that in taking care of all of her problems, he was showing her that no matter what happened he would always make it better for her.
In other words, he was showing her that there are essentially no repercussions for her actions. The woman had already spent over eight months loafing around on the couch while he tirelessly sent out her resume for her. He gave her allowance per month to ease her despair of being between jobs, but she instead spent it going to see one of her exes with whom she continuously cheated on her husband. Why would she change when he had not given her cause to stop and question her own behavior? If you had a puppy that continuously pooped on your couch and every time you just cleaned up the couch because “awwwhhh, she is so cute”, why would the puppy ever stop pooping on it? Most importantly, she had a history of cheating; did he really think marriage would change that?
Once a cheat, always a cheat! I remember how he used to brag that he snatched her from a slow dude (he cheated with her on the dude)….please, who is bragging now?

Relationships are extremely complicated. They will always be. However, a sad truth that many must face in relationships is that no one can control what their mate does. Even though you do your best to fulfill their needs, ultimately it is up to them to choose to be faithful to you because it all depends on the kind of person they are.

Yes, any person with a spirit, soul and body, has the natural desire for self-gratification: tasty food, epic “selzing” [Jenifa has ruined me], low-key work, long uninterrupted sleep…maybe a little bit of video games and Rice Krispies. But then, you do not slap your boss when she upsets you because that would get you fired. You don’t eat beef Suya every night before you sleep because you know that would give you a heart attack at the age of 35. You also do not masturbate in church…because, well, Jesus… do I really have to explain that one? You do not do these things because you have greater and more important concerns and you are able to defer your own gratification to meet those concerns. It is basically the same principle that applies to cheating.

Cheating is inherently dishonest and so, an honest person who chooses their own self-gratification will simply end a relationship rather than cheating. A cheat, on the other hand, is a very shallow, selfish person who lacks discipline and so needs to be gratified continuously. Again, cheating, specifically the act of getting away with cheating has an addictive, pleasurable nature – both emotionally and psychologically, so they fail to recognize that the short-term costs of their actions and do not see any long-term benefits to delaying their gratification. This is why they never stop, no matter what the partner does.

Do you agree? Have you had any experience with someone who is a cheat and just wouldn’t stop? Let’s discuss it in the comment section below.

Nkem Ndem is an energetic and highly accomplished Media Consultant who loves to help small businesses, especially women-led, grow their online presence using the right digital strategy or transition from traditional organizational boundaries. With years of experience in Copywriting and Editing, Content Branding and Strategy, Social media, and Digital Marketing, she is clearly obsessed with Digital Communications. She is the Head of Content and Lead Consultant at Black Ink Media - an Ideation and Content Agency that excels in providing fresh, creative digital services to content-centric businesses. Find out more about her at www.blackinkm.com or send her an e-mail at [email protected] Also follow her on IG: @nkemndemv, Twitter: @ndemv.

113 Comments

  1. Bodunade

    June 20, 2016 at 9:32 pm

    Nkem Ndem, God bless you for this. First truth I have heard in 2016.

    • Yeyeperry

      June 21, 2016 at 8:11 am

      Ha…. This is the end of June ke

    • E!

      June 21, 2016 at 3:20 pm

      bruhhhhh, i really dont want to be your ears between January and now

  2. Paul Adeyemo

    June 20, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Waoh I never knew Nigerian women cheat too. I thought the way they open their big mouth on bella naija, they are 100% faithful. Bunch of hypocrites that whore around and stupidly says all Nigerian men cheats.

    • Shior

      June 20, 2016 at 9:43 pm

      Weyrey

    • Bey

      June 20, 2016 at 11:29 pm

      The mental illness you suffer from, you seriously need to get it diagnosed………… And fast.

    • PD Young Billionaire

      June 21, 2016 at 5:12 am

      Eeyah….Paul Adeyemo,so your woman cheats?No wonder you never see anything good in women.You are probably one of the few unlucky men that dated/married cheats.Pele!

    • Sane

      June 21, 2016 at 11:18 am

      Angry much…..

    • Nahum

      June 21, 2016 at 4:35 pm

      Abeg Paul please shut up jor and go and do something productive with your life like other men. Your mates are making millions, you are here abusing women. You no dey shame???

  3. Doyin

    June 20, 2016 at 9:48 pm

    Reminds me of my hubby…Jst a year in ds marriage and am dealing with his infidelity… It breaks me all the time…Dnt know what to do again sef…Am so depressed and tired

    • PD Young Billionaire

      June 21, 2016 at 5:18 am

      My dear,take your mind off him and face your life.Invest in yourself and in things that will make you happy.If you focus on him,you will continue to be depressed.Cheats hardly change and they can lie for Africa.If you love yourself,ignore him or quit.

    • Mrs O

      June 21, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      My dear you said it all. Same thing was happening to me and i knew i was gonna lose my mind if i continue like that. Best decision i ever made was to take my mind off him and really invest in myself.

    • EM

      June 21, 2016 at 10:33 am

      Hi Doyin, It depends on what you can take in a relationship. Just one year in Marriage and your husband is already an unrepentant cheat? Is that what you want to live with for the rest if your live? being depressed? Once a man starts cheating on his wife, I believe he is saying he is not interested in the marriage and the love you once shared. No woman should expect to be cheated on. It is not normal. Not in Nigeria, Not anywhere! I for one will NOT stay in a marriage and be depressed because of a cheating husband, What about STDs? Do you want to die young? If he has started cheating, I will not sit down and pray for him, I will not watch war room, I will simply excuse him….

      1
    • Tush

      June 21, 2016 at 10:39 am

      Hi doyin. U n me both. I confronted the guy about n next thg, he said me n my pickin should pack out of his house. We need to link up

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 1:25 pm

      Doyin, life is to be short to be depressed and tired already. You do not necessarily have to divorce, especially if you love him. You need to be strong enough to make him understand him that you require faithfulness and loyalty from him. Keeping quiet and not doing anything about it only tells him that there are essentially no repercussions for his actions. Some men just needs adequate schooling to conform.

    • Rarebreed

      June 21, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      Am totally with you nkem on this.
      Doyin, you know him better. Don’t just sit, be strong and be prepared for whatever’s served. And like Nkem pointed out some men needs schooling-unlearning practices society n culture has made normal.

    • Nahum

      June 21, 2016 at 4:40 pm

      Doyin AIDS is very real!!! Herpes is very real!!! Please be careful with all these “take your mind off it advice”. If you decide to stay married, might I suggest using condoms and regular checkups? No vex o, but I think you need to visit HIV testing centers to research just how many loyal wives are suffering from the disease because they chose to “take their minds of it”. Most of the visitors are women and wives who got it from their husbands. Just wanted to inform you.

    • A former cheat's wife

      June 21, 2016 at 9:45 pm

      My dear, please people can change. I say that because I have a story. Please go find the book “Love must be tough” and apply the principles therein. add prayers to this, and your husband will change. It happened for me. It can happen for anyone. But you have to be ready to show some tough love!

  4. Paul Adeyemo

    June 20, 2016 at 9:50 pm

    Nkem Ndem, May God bless you for this write up. Objective without any bias. You have shown us that men cheats and women are also very big culprits. We are talking of married men and married women here. Statistically from the Durex study done some years which rated Nigeria married women as being the most unfaithful in the world and your amazing write up here, it can be safely concluded that men and women cheat equally in marriage in.Nigeria. That has been the bane of marriages in Nigeria which directly has led to increase in domestic violence, killings and maiming, paterninity dispute etc. If 90% of married men cheat in Nigeria, 90% married women also cheat. NKEM EDEM, God bless you abudantly

    • larz

      June 21, 2016 at 12:08 pm

      The problem isnt that women dont cheat but that whilst society agree cheating is wrong, they tend to excuse men cheating. It is that bit that gets quite annoying. If a married man and woman caught cheating and it became public knowledge, the woman is likely to be kicked out of the husbands house and judged more harshly than the man.

    • Sisi

      June 21, 2016 at 12:34 pm

      I agree this felt like such as objective read, highligting the general problem rather than placing blame or pointing fingers because quite frankly it is simply a thing of the flesh. Any one can fall victim to it but on the whole it does take a choice, commitment and discipline to avoid such scenrarios and I will say that men seem to have it harder. Certain type and class of women are not put offby a wedding ring, in fact it even acts as a green signal for them. To people that suggest just getting on with your life and overlook a serial cheater, then what really is the point of being in an exclusive relationship? Are you really just getting on with yout life of deceiving yourself, living out pretence? The pain that a cheating partner causes is not something you can just bury and ignore, the way it manifests can have serious consequences on yourself and children involved. I don’t advocate divorce but it needs to be made very clear that such behaviour is unacceptable from the start and whatever you need to do communicate that – tell parents, pastors, separation – needs to be done.

  5. Mr. Egghead

    June 20, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    I don’t think “Once a cheat, always a cheat” is true.

    Some people trip and fall into cheating, maybe the temptation was too strong; Others deliberately waddle into it and eat from another person’s pot with full knowledge of the consequences. That’s why you should differentiate one from the other before you shut the door completely.
    Besides men and women cheat for different reasons, the reason for the infidelity is crucial in understanding whether salvation is possible.

  6. Puzzles

    June 20, 2016 at 10:07 pm

    How come most women who cheat without remorse seem to have the best husbands/boyfriend?

    Chai! And i bet there was one single babe praying in despair that he should notice her while your cousin was busy snatching his wife from another guy.

    Anyway, i believe not all men and women are cheats.

    But once a cheat, most probably would always be a cheat. But will our fellow women hear?

    No, instead Bimpe would be busy fighting Ifeoma over Ovie who’s also gbenshing Uduak who’s engaged to Osagie

    • Onyie

      June 21, 2016 at 3:09 pm

      Lol. I just spat out the water in mouth reading this and it’s so true!

  7. Spunky

    June 20, 2016 at 10:09 pm

    I will sit this one out. Anxiously waiting for comments to pour in.

  8. Chief (chief Titus)

    June 20, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    Rubbish !!.FYI,It’s a man’s world,men don’t cheat if they do,it’s our entitlement as men to spice things up.How can you eat egusi from year to year? it’s a taboo from where i come from for women to cheat on their men.For example, i normally go to polo and boat club for hunting,does it make me a cheat? of course not because it’s a one night stand.It’s called cheating when you are in love or relationship with your side chicks.

    • Cookies?

      June 20, 2016 at 10:33 pm

      Uncle go back to the bush and claim your entitlements. Very loud hiss!!!

    • Busola

      June 20, 2016 at 11:04 pm

      You are a goat?

    • PD Young Billionaire

      June 21, 2016 at 5:22 am

      Uncle onijekuje!U go soon start to purge….! ‘kontinue’…!

    • Nahum

      June 21, 2016 at 4:43 pm

      I love this comment

    • Queen MII

      June 21, 2016 at 9:43 am

      But you can be loyal to 1 football club abi. Rubbish.

    • Tush

      June 21, 2016 at 10:44 am

      You are just as stupid as the fool i call my hubby. The idiot mentioned the same thung yday night. Biko life is too short to endure idiots like u. Packing my shit this weekend. Ko ni da fun gbogbo yin

    • Stone Cold

      June 21, 2016 at 1:02 pm

      I’m sorry for what you’re going through in your early marriage. I think for sanity sake and health wise it’s best you and your child move out as fast as possible. There are still very good men out there, I married one.

  9. Silent

    June 20, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    Hello Nkem, i am a married man and a victim……..i married a lady who had a 2 years old child for a married mange before i married her. We got married in the Church thinking old things are passed away. The sad part of my story is that i caught her three times with the same man between 2012 and 2014. Guess who the guy is? a divorced guy, who is also dating her best friend (talking marriage already with her bf). The adorable kids we have together is a major restraining factor. I’m a sad man, but i’ve decided to protect our kids, allow her to do her thing, while i look the other way. Many feminist are quick to condemn men and look the other way where women err. Nkem, women of today are more cheats than men trust me.

    • Paul Adeyemo

      June 20, 2016 at 11:10 pm

      Like the women will always say which is very correct, were there no sign of this during your courtship. I will commend you for looking at the future of your daughter in a stable home. You can go further by asking your wife what she wants in the marriage. Are you also cheating because to be honest we have lots of open marriages in Nigeria

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      LOL @Paul, open marriages are sham! it only works for the two when they are young oh. When the woman hits 60 and her body has completely “relaxed” she won’t want open marriage again oh. The man can still manage, but she will not want to be that kinda grandma. Even the suagr boys have age limit. LOL. But on a serious note, i don’t believe any couple who truly love each other, like true love, can stand an open marriage. Kai. they cant. At all!

    • nwa nna

      June 20, 2016 at 11:23 pm

      Dude, grow some ballz!!! She’s a damn serial cheat, you deserve better kids or no kids! Shyte!

    • Mz_danielz

      June 21, 2016 at 7:05 am

      Wow, speechless, may God heal your marriage. I’m praying for you

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 12:45 pm

      @ Silent, it is a good thing you have your children’s interest in mind and your priority is to protect them …but then, you have to ask yourself, how long do you want to look the other side? What are the consequences in the long run? By looking aside do you mean you will stop having sex with her too, because as she is cheating, she can bring in HIV and still infect you and your kids,..there are many possibilities…..

    • Stone Cold

      June 21, 2016 at 1:05 pm

      Hello @silent, I think it’s very wrong to remain in that union because of your children, you don’t want to remain sad for the remaining part of your life, neither will it be advisable for you to have a side chic.
      You should take a bold decision and sort it out once and for all. Your children will love you nevertheless and still have a happy father that can take care of them.

    • Nahum

      June 21, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      @Silent, the same advice I gave Doyin, I will give you. AIDS is real!!! Herpes is real!!! Please men and women, please think twice and thrice before you stay with cheating partners. I am not suggesting anything o, I just think you should put your health and well-being before anyone else. Your children need you alive!!!

  10. Oj

    June 20, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    In my 2nd year of marriage,I cheated on hubby with my ex,sex was good but I had to put an end to it.its over 5 years now and I haven’t even thought of cheating.Once a cheat might not always be a cheat.

    • nwa nna

      June 20, 2016 at 11:20 pm

      @OJ, I don’t believe you won’t cheat again. If the opportunity presents itself again you will..

    • Oj

      June 20, 2016 at 11:36 pm

      The opportunity is there honey
      My ex is still on my case
      Men ask me out everyday
      But I don’t want to and o won’t

    • LemmeRant

      June 21, 2016 at 3:14 pm

      Leave her let her be decieving herself. People like this the moment anything happens in her marraige, She’ll cheat to get back.

      Smellos

    • i'm with OJ

      June 21, 2016 at 10:02 am

      i agree with you, same i always have been saying. we are humans and liable to sin but once we realise we are wrong and decide to stop we will. Besides anyone can change especially when you find someone worth changing for. We all like to dance with the crowd and not be realistic, a man can be wayward then know God and chane we all have tendencies to cheat and most of us have cheated but will not admit because we were not caught. Marriage changed Tonto, God changed Lynxx and i am using these people because they are around us.

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 12:55 pm

      @ Oj, My dear, no one is perfect, we all fall at some point. it is great you have changed and have kept the change for so long. But I’ve got to know…how did you get to the point where you took the conscious decision to stop and what has kept you strong on your resolve all these 5 years?

    • ogeAdiro

      June 21, 2016 at 4:19 pm

      If your husband or wife doesn’t know that you cheated, then you’re still cheating. As in, if you didn’t come clean. That’s my own philosophy.

    • What to do???

      June 21, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      While on a drunken night out, I fooled around with a male friend..no sex…It wasn’t planned, just happend. I was in a long distance relationship with my bf(now husband) at the time.Biggest regret of my life and I live in constant fear of being found out. I want to confess all to hubby and start with a clean slate but he is the jealous type and I know this will destroy any trust he has for me. Don’t know what to do 🙁

    • slice

      June 21, 2016 at 11:49 pm

      Don’t tell him. Forget it ever happened. Enjoy your life.

    • PD Young Billionaire

      June 22, 2016 at 3:57 am

      It looks like you are encouraging your ex.What do you mean by ‘he is still on your case’?If you stop picking his calls ,then you will know that he is no more on your case.I feel you are being unfair to your husband.I will suggest you stop picking your ex-boyfriend’s call cos all he is after is your body.Please respect your marriage and be faithful to your husband.

    • PD Young Billionaire

      June 22, 2016 at 4:38 am

      *calls

  11. Cookies?

    June 20, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    I’ve never been with a guy who hasn’t cheated on me. This has drained me of my self esteem, as im continuously torn between settling or letting go and also wondering if I’m good enough. I’m not one to cheat, because when I’m in, I’m all in. People say you attract who you are, and I wonder what I’m doing wrong to attract these people. People don’t understand the hurt and great pain of being cheated on. I wonder what it takes to attract an honest man.

    • Busola

      June 20, 2016 at 11:06 pm

      Pray! Tell God what you want. It’s not impossible.

    • nwa nna

      June 20, 2016 at 11:18 pm

      Don’t settle! Love with yours eyes open, I know it’s easier said than done 😀

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 1:01 pm

      @cookies, I totally understand you predicament, but you have to understand that the cheating has nothing to do with you, it is all bout the people were so selfish and weak they cheated. You are good enough for the heart that is meant to love you. Stop second-guessing yourself and be more confident. You will see you that you won’t attract such people anymore. Most importantly, no matter what you do, DO NOT settle! It is never worth it. Be patient.

  12. tolu

    June 20, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    It’s all abt trust. I married a beautiful wife but i never tot of her cheating on me. We are best friends and I face temptation everyday but i can never do it. It’s discipline simple. Shes too sexy to look outside. I dnt send others. Nt all men cheat and vice versa.

  13. nwa nna

    June 20, 2016 at 11:16 pm

    Cheating or choosing to cheat is choice! No matter how much you luv or do for a person, male or female will cheat and find ways justify their actions to themselves.
    My personal motto is luv with your eyes open because luv ain’t blind.. 😉

    • Mia

      June 21, 2016 at 8:28 am

      True… no amount of love and care from a partner will stop a person from cheating once he/she chooses to do so.

      1
    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 1:04 pm

      @nwanna lol @love with you eyes open.

    • nwa nna

      June 21, 2016 at 1:38 pm

      @Nkem- Nne, I learnt from personal experience that love isn’t blind. We choose to ignore the signs until it comes back to bite us like it did me 🙁 . Hence my motto, love with your eyes wide open 😀 not saying you can’t love but just make sure you don’t ignore the signals both subtle and obvious.

  14. Bey

    June 20, 2016 at 11:39 pm

    The faster we women get this whole cheating thing off our minds. The better for us. I’m really not going to get High BP and live a miserable life becos I’m worrying if my hubby is cheating or not.
    So far I can feel his love, he’s a good husband to me, a good father and he provides for us.
    My dears life is meant to be enjoyed. I’m not going to be going thru any1s fone, checking your emails and doing detective about the place.
    My paramount purpose in life are my kids.
    I’m not going to give someone the power to determine my happiness/sadness in life. Iv heard of so many women who are now a shadow of their former selves becos they placed dere happiness in the hands of their men.
    Live your life, pray for your marriage, love ur family and leave the rest to God.

    • nunulicious

      June 21, 2016 at 12:38 am

      You’re a wise one. I agree with all you’ve said except that your primary purpose in life are your kids. Biko, leave your life for yourself joor. Before you blink, it’s time for the kids to leave home and then you’ll start feeling one kaind

  15. Shola

    June 21, 2016 at 12:34 am

    This article made me smile and reminded me about how the media has such a wonderful role to play in changing mindset and moulding cultural behaviours for the better in Nigeria
    If more men fully understood that women have the same desires as them, their mentality and outlook on relationships and .marriage would be different. The majority of Nigeria men would never even flicker to think their wife could cheat on them. It literally doesn’t pass through their mind. Imagine if Nigeria boys were raised with the messages from their mothers saying “paul what are yoy doing sitting down watching the TV? Oya come and watch me cook, you need to make sure you know how to cook for your wife o, so she won’t be going outside to other men” hahahaha more articles like this are needed. Honest stories that reflects the true challenges from our gender.maybe then our men would wake up.

  16. Jalord

    June 21, 2016 at 2:04 am

    I don’t support away matches…but why should sex be a deal breaker in a relationship were unconditional love exist? I know it’s betrayal and breach of trust
    Infact, What does LOVE actually mean?

    This phenomenon is rampant these days between both genders. We are left with Divorce and breakups and recycling of partners.

  17. Ada

    June 21, 2016 at 2:18 am

    Exactly! In misogynistic and patriarchal societies, men feel they have the monopoly on sexual desires and temptations as if it comes naturally for women to stay faithful. They say things like “men have to spread their seed..women only cheat if they are emotionally connected”.. They are so blinded by their ego, and don’t realize women are just as sexual and face temptations just like them, sometimes even more because men usually do the chasing…and since in these type of societies women are seen as a conquest, a married/inlove woman is even more of an exciting challenge. Women can have two minds too, they can love their husband and still crave sexual satisfaction else where. They find other men attractive and fight temptations too, Fidelity and faithfulness do not come naturally for women any more than they do for men

    So for the two monkeys up there (paul and egghead), the patriarchy you love so dearly is the reason women are never suspected for infidelity or seen as capable of cheating. You lay your bed you lie on it

    • u better get urself

      June 21, 2016 at 3:33 pm

      You have come again o.

      This article highlights that women cheat too and a lot (A fact that has always eluded the commentators here) And ur changing it to- The society should also allow women to cheat since you get the urge.

      Aunty if you want to cheat, cheat. Whatever the society dishes on you, just manage it

      Men also have their own cross to bear in societal expectations.

  18. Tunmi

    June 21, 2016 at 5:24 am

    Cheating once does not mean one would do it again. Is the person showing remorse? That’s the biggest thing. Mistakes will be made whether it is cheating or something else, but is there a genuine attempt to rebuild that trust and rebuild the relationship? At least before one gets to their breaking point

  19. Yvy

    June 21, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Hmmmm! ! I’m currently serving and from what I see female Corp members do with men is completely scary! These are the women our men will wife someday. If I’m to draw conclusion from this short experience, I’d say women cheat just like men. I can’t begin to write everything I’ve seen them do but the way they keep multiple boyfriends which includes married men btw! God help us all and give us just what we deserve.

    • So true

      June 21, 2016 at 9:10 am

      I remember during my nysc few years ago, there was this engaged lady whose wedding was coming up in some months’ time but she was actually sleeping around in camp – with her engagement ring on o.

  20. ubby

    June 21, 2016 at 8:40 am

    love means respect, cheating is a choice. if u love your partner, respect them enough not to cheat on them. cheating is a selfish gratification with grievous consequences. why go through all that stress for a few minutes of pleasure. determine not to cheat!

  21. Taiwo

    June 21, 2016 at 8:46 am

    Well said. God help us all

  22. vicky

    June 21, 2016 at 9:12 am

    Mehn! Its obvious

  23. FBI Agent

    June 21, 2016 at 9:26 am

    I agree with you, they constantly lie. Mine has even turned me to an FBI agent over night. If its not him cheating with some babe he’s flirting with a university girl or he’s leading another girl on. My dear take your mind off them and do the things that truely make you happy.

    • Pearl

      June 21, 2016 at 10:38 am

      A polite question – why are you still there?

  24. Toby Nwazor

    June 21, 2016 at 9:40 am

    If you go by Okafor’s law, then I can say that once a cheat will remain a cheat once the opportunities present themselves.

    However, before I draw that conclusion, there are two factors I must equally consider:

    1. There is this power that comes with accepting Jesus as Lord and saviour. I speak from experience. I have seen and heard about so many people who sincerely accepted Jesus, and somehow the desire to do some wrong things they used to do just about died down.
    So considering that, I will say that once a cheat does not have to remain a cheat.

    2. We are creatures of habits. For instance, when I return home, remove my shoes and socks and keep in my wardrobe, I keep my keys at a particular place, and keep my wallet at another place. I do these things without thinking because they have become a habit.

    My point? If someone has cheated, he/she will cheat again once the opportunity arises again (refer to Okafor’s law).

    Solution?
    Create a new habit.

    How?
    Build a system.

    We are emotional beings, we are sentimental beings, and our emotions and sentiments always cloud our judgement. That is why we take certain decisions from time to time and end up asking ourselves what we were thinking when those decisions were taken. And if you ask many cheats, you will find out that they were not thinking with their heads at the said time, but with the thing between their legs (whether male or female).

    So what can one do? Build a system that your sentiments and emotions cannot readily circumvent. For instance as a married man, you can decide that you will never go on a lunch/dinner date without telling your wife all about it. For instance, you can decide to put a transparent glass door in your office if a colleague or a staff seems to be a temptation. You could decide to block anyone who has made sexual advances or flirts with you more than twice. Or you can decide to put a picture of your spouse in your wallet/purse and look at it anytime you ever feel like having sex. I am not saying you should do anyone, but you know yourself. Either way, it boils down to being disciplined.

    So build a system around you and watch yourself get better. Better still, get accountable to your spouse. Yes, let your spouse have access to your phone and laptop. I know it may not stop you completely.

    OMG, see long epistle. Chai, #TheLlifeOfAWriter

    • Blessedheart

      June 21, 2016 at 12:19 pm

      God bless you for this

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 21, 2016 at 1:17 pm

      Toby i agree with everything you have said except this :” And if you ask many cheats, you will find out that they were not thinking with their heads at the said time, but with the thing between their legs (whether male or female).” I will simply say this, cheating is a conscious decision. You do not go brain dead the moment you decide to cheat because you have to make plans on how to not just go through with the tryst smoothly, but also how to avoid being caught. That all involves your brain, not your ‘ohlala’. People who give such silly excuses are the people that should not be forgiven at all. i tell you.

  25. EM

    June 21, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Not all Nigerian Men Cheat! I do not agree to that statement from some men on this comments section. There are still some decent men out there!

  26. angelicfrannie

    June 21, 2016 at 9:57 am

    One can actually choose to ignore the fact that the partner is a cheat but to their own detriment. These days what you dont know will not only kill but bury you alive. Lets learn to be wise. Snoop where necessary so that you know the kind of person you are with and do your possible best to protect yourself and kids especially with all these stds and people not even protecting themselves in their rendezvous. After seeing several people lose their lives to diseases from their partners who in some cases even go for drugs to treat themselves while hiding it from their partners one cant afford to be stupid.

  27. not always a cheat

    June 21, 2016 at 10:16 am

    truth is people cheat and its not about the cheating but about how you feel about it. i am not married but i once cheated on my fiance and i felt bad about it, tho it felt good as i crushed hard on the person i cheated with but i told myself it was the end. Doesnt mean i havent had many more chancec to cheat but i love my fiance i chose not to. Cheating is a choice and anyone can fall for it, it takes a strong mind to stay away.

  28. thecla

    June 21, 2016 at 10:29 am

    Nkem my name sake, wat a great topic you treated. do you know i never blived MARRIED women cheat too until i saw myself. its so disheartening bcos they forget that as merciful as God is, so also is HE a consuming fire. why marry him or her when you are not satisfied with it.. i blive a cheat can change if he or she is TRULY ready. all they need do is tell GOD about it and when temptation comes, with God in their heart, they ll overcome nomatter what. sincerely speaking its disgusting bcos the devil is really using it to destroy the world.. SEX SEX SEX.. to the married men and women who are into it. dont forget theres law of CAMA,if you dont suffer it now, you ll later..

    • Toy

      June 21, 2016 at 3:47 pm

      Oshey CAMA 2004 as amended

    • kuku

      June 21, 2016 at 4:33 pm

      Toy you is eviluuuus! Evil Troy Lol

  29. concerned citizen

    June 21, 2016 at 11:11 am

    without being told most of you commenting here are cheats in diff categories dosent matter how you do it whether once a while or everyday a cheat is a cheat it takes the grace of God to not b one and that is after marriage even during marriage it still happens so what we should be discussing is how to reduce it what are the measures we need take to cub this act and not all this long story. Thank you

    • Stilla virgin. Oya now Fire.

      June 21, 2016 at 3:42 pm

      And I’m guessing you’re the only exception abi. Because you did not comment.

  30. Mrs

    June 21, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    Hmmmm this topic is inexhaustible… As much as you can’t excuse cheating no matter the reason would you blame me as a married woman whose husband constantly denies me sex and affection maybe due to mild body changes after childbirth, or due to other reasons best known to him. he never says anything nice to me, always puts me down with negativity etc it’s crazy to be married and lonely… It was of course very difficult to turn away from my married male colleague who always saw the best in me and became my shoulder to lean on… We’ve been so close emotionally and even physically that he has restored my self esteem and all those stretch marks and flabby tummy my darling husband complains about, he loves them… What do you want me to do? My husband doesn’t even notice I’ve stopped nagging him about our sexless and loveless marriage… I’m in a very happy place really…

    • Stone Cold

      June 21, 2016 at 1:17 pm

      Fear the wrath of God. Adultery is a sin. You have other options than commit sin.

    • Doyin

      June 21, 2016 at 2:26 pm

      I can’t even judge you. I truly can’t.

    • thecla

      June 21, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      madam, i tink you can always go back to that pretty woman you were when he first married you. always check urself and if that doesnt work, then prayers will. its not easy but GOD help us all.

  31. Chubby

    June 21, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    Wots this one saying. men’s world indeed……that is wot is killing all of you and by the time u find out ur partner is doing it codedly u will wnt to kill ursef ova nothing. it is our world not just for men or women alone.

  32. V

    June 21, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    I really don’t understand why married women cheat on their husbands. You married him because he’s meant to be the one. If you feel the sex is not good, what happened to teaching him a few tricks here and there instead of cheating. Cheating in a marriage brings nothing but hurt. It never ever ends well.

  33. LemmeRant

    June 21, 2016 at 3:09 pm

    @Silent

    You see why you never go near those baby mamas, They’re just a waste of time. Leave them where they belong to be posting instagram selfies and tweeting.

    I for one can’t fathom what will drive a decent man to a baby mama, when single ladies have mot finished.

    Leave trash in the waste bin abeg

  34. E!

    June 21, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    bruhhhhh! i really dont want to be your ears between January and now

  35. Sai sai

    June 21, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    What is a girl to do, when her man is far away and she is Horny AF, plus she has a male friend she knows is into her..I keep wondering why is that whenever a good girl is having issues with her boyfriend, an admirer that has been on her case, becomes more persistent in that same period..is it the Devil’s handiwork
    He keeps knocking on her door, till oneday she opens it up slowly at first, but he keeps pushing till he finally gets in
    Please how many of you can relate?

    • special

      June 21, 2016 at 5:53 pm

      I can relate

  36. An eye for an eye

    June 21, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    I knew my husband cheated on me sometimes ,but I always looked the other way, hoping by being a good wife he would change eventually . I found out i he infected me with an STD ( I won’t say which) and never told me until I challenged him. I found out during one of my checkups. I made sure I infected his junior brother, they are only two boys and one of his friends who knew he had it and didn’t warn me. His lucky his father was just too unattractive, else i’ld have given him too
    Very wicked man.

    • The village blind

      June 21, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      An eye for an eye makes the whole village blind, madam revenge doesn’t end well, it is sweet while you are on it but when you finish then it starts to hurt again. How come you were able to infect the younger bro? and were considering the father? hope its not through sex? either ways let it be. Let God do the vengeance for you. Jesus loves you.

    • Naijatalk

      June 21, 2016 at 11:23 pm

      Forgive my curiosity, how did you infect his junior brother and friend? By sleeping with them? I hope you have no children. Sending you prayers and hugs because you’re so hurt and bitter. May God heal you.

  37. Ope

    June 21, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    @silent,move out with your [email protected],you’re still a cheat b. You didn’t tell your husband. @oge,I agree with you. @Mrs,why not divorce darling husband that doesn’t say nice things bla bla and marry your married collegue? @SAI Sai them tie you to the guy? Why not break up with him and date Mr next available when you’re horny ASF? Cheats every where always having one tale or the other to justify their shits. There was this man who died after sleeping with his own wife. You know why,his wife’s boyfriend laced her with thunderbolt. Imagine the shit. Cheats every where.

  38. Silent

    June 21, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    Thank you guys for your different advises, I do appreciate. I will address some of the concerns as much as i can.
    Sex: We have stopped being intimate for a while, we stopped staying in the same room since 2013 when i discovered a lot more. I do not have side chic- rather i do solo (get me?) at least to satisfy the need.

    Talk about it: Sure! i tried talking about it on several occasions but most times she will do everything to get a violet reaction from me, i never gave her that joy for once…She will go physical and verbal.. I know the case will turn bad if i ever hit her, so i walk away.

    Family intervention: No member of her family (i kept most from my family) is in support of her ways neither her close associates. I made sure i don’t let all out just for the sake of my kids future (children of a wayward mother)

    @Nwa nna, bro, trust me i’ve got balls but i’m more determined to protect these kids than pursue my happiness. They are not responsible for any of these issues, so why should they suffer? I figure she’s so interested in what she can get off me when i ask for a divorce. I will eventually, but not after i have stripe “us” of all she’s hoping to cash on when i make the move.

    My two eldest kids have a faint idea of their mother’s way and have made several passionate plea to me; they don’t want to grow up without me, she might get the custody of the kids at this point if we go in that direction.

    I’m sure if i’m not the one in this situation, my advise to such a man would be what most of you said……put on my shoe and walk a mile before you judge me.

  39. jojo

    June 21, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    @ An eye for an eye u ar WONDERFUL. Hian nothing ear no go hear

  40. Doyin

    June 21, 2016 at 10:57 pm

    Have talked 2 him severally abt d girls nd he will jst apologise nd start crying anytym I threaten to leave….He jst can’t change nd am finding it difficult to leave cos am carrying our first child…He’s just not ready to change

    • Mama

      June 22, 2016 at 2:12 am

      Your husband is a serial cheat and you are finding it difficult to leave because you’re carrying your first child? My dear, while i don’t dispute that it is a difficult situation to be in, i think that the decision to leave is one that should be made sooner than later. You’re not doing it to hurt him but to save yourself. In fact, i suspect that your husband knows you well and he already knows you ‘can’t’ leave that’s why he has persisted cheatin; that’s what you get when you make empty threats. I hate to say this but I’m sure you also saw signs before marriage but ignored them. Anyway, what matters now is your future. People have mentioned STI’s; you better take that seriously before it’s too late.

  41. Tosin

    June 22, 2016 at 8:11 am

    My own question is why people need or desire this fidelity thing and place such a high price on it; on something that i consider to be more-or-less worthless. If it was a worthy goal, then yeah sure the how-to-achieve-it would be no problem at all, but it’s a rather useless goal.

    Someone I know just left a great girl because first they started having problems then he found she was mayyyybe seeing someone else. I’m still thinking he’s a mumu for caring so much, for not being able to separate his own objectives from whatever cry-cry emotions. But it’s not my wahala.

    • Tosin

      June 22, 2016 at 10:16 am

      It’s like the new virginity or something. We need to forget all these childish things and move on.

  42. SERIOUS THING

    June 22, 2016 at 8:34 am

    We are talking about more serious things in Nigeria, these ones are here writing upandan about men, relationship and what have you. If this country spoil, can y’all remember man eish? You no too dey tire for man talk ni?

    EFCC violating the laws
    Aisha Buhari and Fayose exchanging words ( Nigeria gradually turning into smth else)
    Resident doctors on Stike
    Federal Governmnet asking them to be replaced
    Niger Delta Avengers
    Dollar exchange rate
    Many states not paying salaries
    Workers owed up to 6-8 months salaries
    No light, Water anything
    PDP Wadata house turning into PDP wahala house

    Please Please Please, by now you people should be tired of talking about men

    Many of them no even send you sef, everyday men articles

    Be delivered from the affliction of Men

  43. hian

    June 22, 2016 at 10:40 am

    @SERIOUS THING yet you took out time to read the article and type this long epistle of a reply. Why the beef? If you want to talk about serious things what are you doing in this column?why are you wasting the time you can use to solve the problem in our nation, commenting? Hypocrisy! Kmt

  44. Ope

    June 22, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    @cookies, stay strong and keep praying. The right dude is def going to come. Are you in naija?

  45. Tobby Francis

    June 22, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    Spreads mat to read comments….

  46. Bol

    June 25, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    Not a good reason to quit…though
    work it out till you get your desired result!

    fantasies!

  47. Jenny

    June 26, 2016 at 10:43 am

    Wow! Nkem, I love your articles…especially the ones on the naked convos. I dint know you also write here. Do you have a blog?

    • Nkem Ndem

      June 27, 2016 at 9:10 am

      @Jenny, thanks 🙂 No, I don’t have a blog, but its a good thing you already know two places you can find my articles.

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