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Aunty Bella: Miss. 17 Year Old with Various Problems

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dreamstime_l_39231188Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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I never thought that I’ll write to Bellanaija but here I am. I would like to remain anonymous. I’m a female by the way and I’m 17. I’m sending this through my phone and it might end up being long but I need to vent. I’ll try to make it as short as I can though. It’s basically a list of things I need to talk about and I need advice on, because I don’t know what to do.

In no particular order:

— Boys/Girls/Friends
I know I’m beautiful and I have guys asking me out but I just can’t trust them and after just getting out of a four year relationship I don’t want to date right now. Not until I feel ready for marriage so that’s not the problem. Most of my friends are guys. Mostly those that asked me for a relationship and I said no and sometimes I just feel wrong. I want female friends too. I used to have a friend in sec school who was like a sister to me but after an argument we had, I just felt like she didn’t know me or trust me much so things became awkward. We talk sometimes but it felt forced. I just want to have a female friend that I feel like I can actually connect to.

—I’m shy
I think it’s more than shyness. When I checked Google it said was social anxiety. Let me give a scenario. I was the best English student in my class then and we had to do a debate. One at a time. In front of the class. It was just my classmates and I knew what to say. I had it written down already. But then I stood in front of the class and I couldn’t get past the intro. At times it’s when I’m in church and it’s the praise session and I want to dance for God but I just can’t. I dread the time when we have to give offering because it involves walking to the front of the church. I feel like I’m not normal. People are shy but is it ever this bad?

—PCOS
I don’t want to explain that cause it would be too long. It’s basically that I’m hairy. Too hairy for a girl. I’m beautiful yes but looking at myself in the mirror is difficult. I have hairy legs and arms too. I also have dark upper lip hair. Not a mustache just darker than it should be. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like if I cut it it would get worse and I can’t seem to find anything that actually healthy please help.

—I’m not going to school
I graduated in 2014.I was 15 then. I was even awarded then but now it’s like nothing is working. It feels awful to have to keep trying and it doesn’t seem to be working. I am a science student. Always in the top five and now I even have to see students I passed that are now in school. It’s my biggest problem right now. Having to stay at home now. Everyday. I’m practically the maid. I have to clean, cook, wash, everything. Because my younger ones have to go to school of course and you know the worst part of all this I’m go through? It’s my mother. Having to hear over and over again how disappointed she is, getting asked why I just stand there when everyone is dancing, why I can’t be more like my peers. It’s difficult. It doesn’t stop. So these days I just avoid her. Even if it’s time to eat. I give them food and make myself scarce. You might be wondering about my dad. He isn’t the best but I love him anyways because most times I feel like he’s the only one that’s still believing.. I think I might just go crazy if it doesn’t work out again this year.

—I feel inadequate
I had to write an exam last year I think. There were over a thousand other girls there and when I looked at their legs-the ones wearing skirts that is – I saw that I was the only one with hairy legs. I felt so abnormal. Anytime a guy gets attracted to me and tries to talk to me I always tell them I’m hairy cause I feel like most don’t like it but when they do I usually feel like they’re weird or abnormal. I don’t hate the hairs. I just hate the way it makes me feel. We had to sit in a circle during one of our youth meetings and I just couldn’t get comfortable. I kept feeling like someone was looking at my legs. Someone was noticing my hairs. Someone was whispering about it. I wasn’t born with straight legs. It straightened out but the fact that my legs aren’t straight is a bit noticeable if you’re actually looking at it.

—Parents
I was close to my parents once upon a time but these days I avoid my mom because I know she’ll have something to complain about. She always does. I can’t look at my dad because I feel like I keep disappointing him. He doesn’t say anything but I avoid him anyways.

—I don’t go out
Besides church and a few other places if it’s necessary. I don’t go out. I think it’s partly because I don’t have any female friends that I can go out with but even when I had a few I still wasn’t let out of the house. Even when classmates invited me out I couldn’t go. Now I’m older but I just can’t.

*I don’t know what advice or help can be given to me but anyhow. I need female friends though and I’m at Rivers state.
*If you’ve ever been in any of these situations kindly share your experiences.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

41 Comments

  1. BlueEyed

    July 15, 2016 at 4:49 am

    Hey dear, this is normal, you’re at that age of social and body consciousness. My advice, get into school, Stay in school and better yourself, that should be your priority now. When you’re older you’ll realize how trivial these things are.

  2. Sloww down

    July 15, 2016 at 5:06 am

    Heygirl you are 17 i believe and all this is normallllll you are still young slow down. These things are normal at dis teenage years. Enjoy the journey dnt b too concious trust me no one is watching you. Guess what? Iv bn there im 27 now n im loving every bit of it. Whn i think back to those days i laugh. Gt into schl n develop your self. PS parents will be parents and mothers will be mothers i avoided my mum too. At that age all we want is our space. Slow down k hugs n kilzes

  3. ivy

    July 15, 2016 at 5:07 am

    if your hairy legs makes you uncomfortable then you should consider shaving them.

  4. Divora

    July 15, 2016 at 5:09 am

    Dear u hav nothing to worry abt,if u re not so comfortable with d hairs u can shave it from time to time…u shld also think at enrolling in sth u re passionate abt while waiting for admission..like going for computer lessons,fashion and designing or even hair styling,in the process u can meet new friends..u can equally talk to ur mum and let her know how u feel and how u think she can mak it easier for u,cos she might not rily know wat u re passing thru…u can also read books..i hope dis helps.i wish u lots of luck…u can drop ur email address so I can contact u….

  5. NotaNutellaLover

    July 15, 2016 at 5:22 am

    Sweetheart, I smiled a little while reading your story because it reminded me of the young lady that I was. I know about waiting for a year plus before going to school, and I can tell you that even though it seems like a long time, that day will come and you will be happy. Your mum and dad will be proud, even more than it seems now. i know staying at home with your parents may be stressful because of the chores, but don’t worry love. Do it diligently.
    Regarding boys and making friends, don’t sweat it! They will all come and you will be looking for how to swat them.
    Without making it a long post, you will learn about waxing, that self confidence will come naturally (keep practicing and learning the act of public speaking), you will meet amazing people in your journey.
    Give it time okay, we will celebrate your greatness in the near future. I and a lot of other people here are rooting for you.

    • ify beke

      July 15, 2016 at 7:26 pm

      This is the best and touching advice/response I have ever read. Almost made me tear up.

  6. ElessarisElendil

    July 15, 2016 at 6:25 am

    “after just getting out of a four year relationship I don’t want to date right now.”???????

    Sorry, have naught but banter about the boys aspect. As for friends, personal opinion, vastly overrated, acquaintances are much better. You really ought to discover yourself as an individual first. If you learn to stand on your own, nobody can ever let you down.

    I don’t think you’re shy at all, matter of fact you’ve described me. I think you’re extremely self-conscious, afraid of failing or worse having people laugh you. Practice in front of a mirror to get over your stage fright, it doesn’t judge.During offering sessions, you’re actually inconspicuous, quick test, exactly how many women were in the crowd for offering during your last service? People are often distracted, so take a breath, stroll and go give God your money or conversely you could wait until the end of the service and slip in your money in one of the offering boxes lying around. Can’t help with the dancing part, I find public dancing cringey, has nothing to do with my having two left feet, but personally feel that the less people that dance publicly, the better the world will be.

    Shaving Cream, Gillette Blade and Aftershave. Warm water to the face, shaving cream on, wait the length of a song, shave against the grain (downwards) slowly, wash with cold water, aftershave. Although if you get bumps, they are razorless creams, rub, wait 5 minutes and wipe, presto no hair. But shaving has tradition behind it.

    Ehh, failure is a part of life, you can whine or you can do better: I finished top five in my set, best arts student, 300 score in JAMB, admitted into the law program 3 days after my 16th birthday. Two problems, I’d been regimented all my life and got lost in a world without a schedule and I didn’t want to do law and figured I had time on my side (I may be a tad selfish, occasionally self destructive). Looking back I’m pretty sure I spent all of year 1 playing Football Manager, Year 2 masturbating and playing Football manager and year three playing football manager, trying to quit masturbating. By the end of year three I’d grown up, quit year four, spent the rest travelling the country waiting for JAMB and post-utme, got back in and haven’t gotten a C…….yet. You think your Mother was disappointed, mine was furious.I’d never gotten a B in my life until university, she didn’t talk to me for for the whole year. If she had a spare, I’d probably have been disowned. So see, yours could have been worse, the good news is at 17 I didn’t have the sense of self to realise I needed help and was rash enough to be self destructive to get my way, you obviously don’t have those problems, so you’ll be fine. Prove your Mother wrong, make your dad proud, bury the failures of your past in the successes of the present. Think of it as fire burning away your impurities. You’ll be better in the long run, a tempered blade.

    Ehn,like I said you’re self-conscious. Something you’ll learn, people are far too self-absorbed to really care about others, lighten up or you know wear jeans. Jeans>>>>>>>>Skirts at least in my opinion, except pleated skirts, jeans are worse than pleated skirts but only slightly less attractive .

    You’re growing up, its normal. At a certain point, parents stop being heroes you worship and want to do everything with, to well simply other people who you might not share the same interests with. My Mother prefers EWTN I prefer video-games. You and your parents are simply different people, no shame in that. Could be worse you could be one of those adults who are far too friendly with their parents, creepily friendly, like wear coordinated outfits level of creepy.

    Going out, also overrated. Think of the effort involved urgh, isn’t lounging in your bed with a book, lounging in your bed with your laptop and lounging in your bed with a controller superior to strolling in the sun to talk about girls, video-games and football. Text like everybody else.

    Good luck, you have all the time in the world, going by average lifetimes, 63 years! That’s like forever!! (Not really, time flies, so get on with it, good-luck!)

    • Mr. Egghead

      July 15, 2016 at 10:44 am

      Ah! Football Manager na demon! I didn’t know I could ever stay up all night- literally all night- until that game crept into my life. Couldn’t study till midnight but will stay up analysing football formation or scouting players ?
      Age of Empires, Pro-Evo and then Grand Theft Auto!! E no go better for all those game makers.?
      Thank God I have repented from my sins ( except God of War)

  7. O

    July 15, 2016 at 6:26 am

    I had the best result in my in my secondary school. I had As in all the 9 subjects. I was a science student. It took 3 years for me to gain admission. So i know how it feels when you see your teachers and school mates.
    It was challenging but I finished as one of the best students in my class about 8 years ago. I am still single. My friends are all married. I have other challenges.
    Be determined to move your life forward. Some people have it easy but some of us build our strength from the challenges we face in life. So don’t compare your life to others. Learn to count your blessings. Some people live happily without legs.
    Believe me some day, you’ll remember this stage of your life and smile.
    Live for that day.

  8. Valentina

    July 15, 2016 at 7:09 am

    The female friend Issue thing is normal. Friendship is like a sticker, the first time you stick it, it stays permanently, but when/if you remove it and try to stick it again, it wouldn’t glue like the first time. My point exactly is that your falling out with your bestie is normal and things can never be the same way the used to be so stop forcing tthem. But guess what? There are over 7 billion people in the world, you can always make new genuine, trustworthy and intelligent friends -boys and girls. By shy is perfectly normal for a teenager. I’m 24 and I’m still shy sometimes. It’s normal honey, it’s a phase and it would pass. For your hairy legs, you could always use a shaving cream or a shaving stick. Try it. A very Big CONGRATULATIONS to you for graduating from the secondary school at 15, BRAVO honey, you’re special, unique and intelligent with a very bright future. Well done! !! Chill, admission would come in due time. But you could always get a job no matter how little at least just to leave the house every day plus you would meet new friends and gain experience, talk to your parents (your dad) ask for permission or you could learn a skill eg tailoring, hairdressing etc to pass time and make extra cash. Alot of girls are hairy, so many men LOVE it. Relax dear, you’re not weird or abnormal. You’re just going through teenage years, Plus stop telling guys about it, let them find out themselves and decide wwhether to stay or leave. Keep ignoring your mom, she would eventually come around. Lastly, WTF are you doing just coming out of a 4 years relationship? ?? Gurl, behave or i would whoop ya behind my self! !!

  9. The real D

    July 15, 2016 at 7:12 am

    O dear!!! You are not just normal, you are perfect. Everything you listed excluding the school issue is perfectly normal.:
    . 1) Have you considered your sisters? If you have any, for the girl friend issue. I was in your shoes in fact still am, I have very few friends I can call close friends (3 total and my sister is one of them). One of the other girls I met while I was in college/university. The 3rd were did not get close until after secondary school. So, you still have time to meet people and make friends. Just like you, my only gf in high school and I had a falling out and I realized we were just different but I had my sisters and bro who is a very good “gister”. Today my sister is my closest gf and vice versa. I am like 96% introvert I used to feel it was an issue but I have since embraced it but that will come with time and maturity.
    2) Being hairy: I am hairy and yes I have been diagnosed with pcos (although that is still questionable since there is really no scientific test or process to diagnose one with pcos) nevertheless, the average girl or lady shaves, waxes, their legs, nether region and armpits, Some shave their arms too , so you are no different. You see those smooth legs in bikinis and co, yes, they were hairy like yours too they just came in contact with some waxing paper and gel, then some baby oil gave it the needed shine. I would think your mum would discuss this with you. For your upper lip, wax or thread, waxing is a personal preference as threading feels like blood sucking demons were let loose on one’s face.

    3) On the topic of schooling ; is private school not an option for you? This is just plain curiosity on my end . Nevertheless, if it isn’t for financial reasons , you might want to consider somewhere in Europe e.g France, Germany e.t.c. Schooling in these countries are affordable I.e free for the most part. You may have to learn a second language but you are on,y 17 and if you are as smart as you claim you are then I am sure you can do it. BTW when I say Europe I don’t mean the UK. Also look into scholarship options. Do you homework and look into it then present it to your parents. I.e you not presenting them with a problem anymore, but proffering a solution to what appears to be a problem.
    4) Not going out: I was talking to my hubby yesterday and mentioned how my natural instinct is to withdraw once things are not going well for me, which in turn leads to depression and self pity. I lost my job last fall and for awhile, I thought I would just get another job but when no job was forth coming. I began to withdraw, i will not pick up calls from friends even my from my parents, I was withdrawing just like you are. I had known for a while before I lost my job I wanted to change career paths but changing career paths will mean going back to school and I felt at my age and with many things going on in my life going back to school will not only be difficult but how do I explain to everyone that I was going back to school. I decided to start volunteering in the area I am considering going back to school for and I am happy to at least be interacting with people. Leaving the house everyday and talking to people other than my family rejuvenates me and makes me a better company too. and I have something to talk about. My point is consider volunteering somewhere depending on. how feasible that is, that way you get to also meet people ( I.e make girl friends that you seek).
    I am sure once you begin venturing out you would feel a lot better too.
    I wish you the best !!!

  10. Adenike

    July 15, 2016 at 7:49 am

    Hi dear, I would like to be your mentor. I have so many things to share with you like I do with many young girls your age who have similar challenges like you do now. Kindly send me an email here: [email protected]

    Thanks!

  11. Yeyeperry

    July 15, 2016 at 8:22 am

    Sweetheart, this was me at 17! It’s a phase, it will pass.
    While waiting to get admission, find something to learn, a skill. At least that will get you out of the house and help you mix with people.
    Intern for event planning/ decor or makeup or something. Just do something that will keep you busy for you.. The house will run just fine without you.

  12. God's Gold

    July 15, 2016 at 8:49 am

    My dear. It doesn’t get worse than having hair on your chin with dark marks. And I am fair!!! I am still a young woman and I always have to wear concealer make up to go out. If I was so conscious about this I would have remained unmarried. Celebrate the beauty in you. As far as I am concerned I am the Miss Universe the world missed. I am married, a mother, a lawyer, a social worker, a business woman and a worship minister. I am the very finest of God cut straight from the root of King David!!!

  13. I noticed my bum bum has reduced!

    July 15, 2016 at 8:59 am

    Okay girl hope you read this! Now I’ll talk to you as a friend. I’m 19, not much difference, just turned 19 actually. I wrote a comment some months ago on a topic relating to heartbreak and other commenters wrote their experiences too. It was a good read and good thread. First of kudos for constantly affirming you’re beautiful. It shows you’re not dragging your self esteem. Concerning the female friends, you’ll get them a lot. Be yourself and someone you click or gel with would come along. There’s church, you could start a conversation, organise a meet up etc. You’ll get female friend and you’ll get them in abundance. Now, I noticed you’re so fixated on your hairy legs. Shave, shave, shave! A lot of people are hairy. I’m one of them. I wax though. My housemate does it for me. But a lot of my friends shave. It’s not a difficult process. As for feeling inadequate, I’d advice you find a hobby. I noticed I feel inadequate when I’m not doing anything. I volunteer a lot, which I have come to love and I read a ton of realist fiction novels. I have already prepared the novels I’m going to read over the next 6 months. In regards to your relationship with your mother, things would get better once you get into school. Keep believing, keep trying. Like I stated, in the main time get a hobby or tell your parents you want to learn a trade while you’re waiting. You start to feel like you matter. I don’t think you’re shy, I think you’re probably a little embarrassed. It’ll be all right. Trust me, yours is the experience of the average 17 year old. You’re a Christain, try prayers. Prayers do actually work. God bless you. I hope you get into school soon and you’r look back in the next 5 years and laugh at yourself, because you’d realize you should have saved your worries for worse issues.

  14. Dr. N

    July 15, 2016 at 9:03 am

    Find yourself and nobody will be able to define u. If u have pocket money, go to a bookshop and buy motivational and christian books that cover all d topics above
    Joyce Meyer, Rick Warren n Kenneth Hagin have great books
    When d way u think changes ur mom will notice it n she will change d way she speaks to u
    Remember “No one can make u feel inferior without your consent” Eleanor Rooselvelt
    PS: Hubs loves my hairy legs. I dont bother shaving
    Did u know there is even a book on how to make friends?

  15. Anni Bibi

    July 15, 2016 at 10:10 am

    I really feel ur pain dear. I was also very shy and insecure, but with time, I gradually got past it. I enrolled for an A’level program (known as IJMB) which enabled me get admission to 200 level in the uni. If u r interested, u can call me on 08169637140 so that I will link u up with d co-ordinator. The program was like a lifesaver to me and my friends, coz we all got admissions thru it.

  16. ramat

    July 15, 2016 at 10:11 am

    Read your story and smiled cos you are EXACTLY me at 17. Graduated secondary school early too, stayed home for 3 YEARS before I got admission into university, was very shy and had zero female friends. Now, I’m an Engineer (graduated as one of the top students in my class), have an amazing job, tonne of female (and male) friends and you literally can’t shut me up. Infact, no one believes when I tell them I used to be shy. Lol. What I did was get busy; went to computer school, read extensively about all things and everything. Girl, just hang in there. You’ll be fine.

  17. Mr. Egghead

    July 15, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Everybody just dey write epistle for here.

    @op, just relax and live life. You’ll be fine. Have experiences and get into situations
    “She who must have friends must first show herself friendly,”
    Get out of your shell.

    Maybe I’ll get some flak for saying this but, at your age, boys only want to hit it. Hit it and quit it. So be careful of whatever relationship you are getting into.

  18. Adaeze Writes

    July 15, 2016 at 10:22 am

    You can’t be disappointing anybody, least of all your parents because when it comes to admission in Nigeria, we all know that sometimes, it’s luck and favour. I think your parents are not doing their best in trying to put you in school and if you’ve not started school yet, they should enroll you for make-up classes, catering schools, something to empower yourself as you wait for the admission which is definitely going to come.
    I think you should research for things that you are interested in doing and ask your parents to support you, just so that you don’t sit at home idly. Start an apprenticeship in any field you are interested in.
    As for dating, please put a pause on that for now, you really don’t need to be stressed on that level. You need to work hard, do your best and get into a school, that’s very important.
    Don’t worry about the hairs on your legs, if it bother’s you so much, wear trousers or maxi dresses and skirts, don’t let anyone make you feel less than you are.

    For thrilling stories, visit adaezewrites.com

  19. Tamy

    July 15, 2016 at 10:42 am

    Wow you’ve gotten some really great suggestions and advice here, wishing you the very best as you adopt them and discover yourself. You’ll be alright dear

  20. A friend

    July 15, 2016 at 10:56 am

    Discover yourself and pray.learn a trade e.g,makeup, beads,wireworks, hairdressing.Everything will work out nice.This is coming from an 18 year friend who loves you.

  21. Anonymous

    July 15, 2016 at 11:01 am

    I also have a difficult relationship with my mum,i stayed at home for a year after graduating and it was hell,i felt really depressed but I got to know God more,trusted in him more and many other things.Faith in God works alot.Keep prayering my dear.Things will get better.All things work together for good to them that love Him(God). God’s grace and favour.

  22. Yummychickcummummy

    July 15, 2016 at 11:04 am

    Peeps v said it all. U r in ur teen.. All these is normal and these shall pass too.

  23. Chinma Eke

    July 15, 2016 at 11:22 am

    My dear, you’ve gotten a lot of REALLY GOOD advice up above, please read and believe.
    Even Mr. Egghead is right; he who must have friends must first show herself to be friendly.

    You must know and believe that you are not alone, I get that at 17 you feel like you are; but trust me you are not. Due to the PCOS you have symptoms that girls your age do not have and as such can’t relate and that might not help with making friends but; girl, don’t despair.
    Let me tell you a secret; it won’t get better. It might seem like it has; you will gain admission into a higher institution, you will go on to come into your own, but then other issues will arise. It’s called life girl; brace up to it.

    Now this is where you will have an advantage over your peers; your experiences now will leave you better able to deal with those future experiences. When your peers are grappling with those issues you will be like; is that all? lol!

    However, to get to that point you need to find yourself. This is difficult to do when you are down, but it is the best time to do it. You are wonderfully and beautifully made; in God’s image. The PCOS symptoms will get worse or better depending on how you manage it, but DO NOT let it affect your self esteem.

    This is a long epistle I know, but I will like to talk more with you; about the PCOS and some other issues. Please leave a comment on a post on my blog and I will get back to you. I don’t want to leave my email address on here for fear of increased spam mail.

    Remember; you are beautiful, you are smart, and you are worth it.

  24. Pamela Mally

    July 15, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Honey relax ok. I’m glad nobody is posting negative comments. Read and learn, you’ll be fine. That four year relationship tho!*side eye

  25. gift

    July 15, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Get close to God, pray often nd build ur confidence. Love urself a lil but more. Always remember u r fearfully nd wonderfully by an Awesome God who makes no mistake. U ll b jst find swthrt

  26. Christiana Abosede

    July 15, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    i personal have been in that situation.. i dnt have best friend but i have male friend.. let talk on phone or whatsapp 08172728166

  27. Tina

    July 15, 2016 at 3:18 pm

    Hey hunnie. it’s just a phase okay….this too shall pass. I also went through the frustrations of Nigerian parents but it will pass because soon you will realize they won’t be here forever…just learn to love them while you still can! Have you considered taking all these things to God in prayers. Leave me your email address I’m willing to be your friend 🙂

  28. N

    July 15, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    Girl, you need to pull your weight and study hard for the JAMB exams next year. You jave time since you are at home mostly. READ, READ, READ! Forget about boys and dating for now, There would be plenty toasters and friends coming your way later. Let getting into University be your priority and focus. If you feel you need friends that you can study together with, look for a good lesson around your area and attend a few months to your exam. Your parents may seem hard on you because they know you can do more.

    As for your insecurities about your body, shaving is a good option. You may also talk to your mum about it. Believe me, she is on your side and she can advise you. Also make google and you tube your friend. You can learn a lot of tips that can help you improve yourself. At church, feel free to praise God from whom all blessings flow. Maybe close your eyes or seat at the edge where you feel less conspicuous. But by all means praise him. Lastly, try volunteering to serve in one or more departments e.g choir, usher etc. It would help you build your self confidence.

  29. Johnny A

    July 15, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    Hey Beautiful one,,
    Everyone of us had a share of this pain you had. My friend had beards I had known. They started driving I was yet to be schooled in driving. They go for games and I remain basically indoors. No one to vent my angst and frustration.
    This is basically a phase. You will be surprised that when the doors get open you would forget about all these experiences.
    I graduated with a Masters from the United Kingdom, two years back. I had a share of my depression and am becoming better now. Fact is this we all are shy. But an extra courage helps. Take that bold step and show this letter you wrote to your parents. You might b3 surprised at how touched they are gonna be; and a change in their character will be noticed as well.
    Cheers
    NB: Bellanaija please add her to your editing team I’m in love with her writing style.

  30. Judgejudyjudy

    July 15, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    Hi dear,
    I’ve gone through the comment section and, believe me, I think there’s great advice up there for you. This phase and stage you are at is one that I recognise myself and is VERY normal.
    I just want to quickly tell you a story : back in the day, when we all graduated from school and gained admissions into the university, it used to feel like your life was literally over if for whatever reason you got left behind.
    Well, in my circle of friends, we all went off to the university and one friend of mine unfortunately didn’t make it then. What she did do though was, whilst still sat at home, she began going to her mum’s friend’s tailoring shop and begin learning to sew whilst waiting to do a retake ( or whatever else it was she needed to do to get into school ). She finally got into school but kept up with the sewing and would make lovely simple kimono chiffon blouses and patchwork denim skirts which she sold at the time for N1k – 2k ( when we were in school, it seemed quite expensive then).
    I remember my elder brother gisting with us and yabbing her in her absence for being a “tailor” but I always saw beyond that and hated that he was so small minded.
    Well, we all graduated and a lot of us couldn’t get meaningful jobs for a long time- my said elder brother is still struggling. This friend of mine began making money right in school- though she had a lot of rough patches and tough times but, with time, she started employing tailors and, like joke like joke, became a “madam” of sorts and employer of labour.
    My friend’s name is Akpos Okudu and though she may not be in the league of Deola Sagoe or the big names currently in fashion, she’s got a great business, a recognizable brand, is doing very well and has carved a niche for herself in the fashion industry; her clothes are exquisite.
    Use your waiting period to learn something- I wish I could be as young as you are now, I had so many dreams at the time but felt I still had time- now I’ve got kids and a family and am working at a great career path but I still wish I had done all the things I had wanted to do like go into events and though that is still in view, I’m not currently opportuned to chase those dreams as I’ve got other responsibilities. Read motivational books ( I’ll suggest you read Michelle Mckinney Hammond: the Diva Principle, read some Joyce Meyer books, James Allen), think of something you’d like to learn- is it events decoration? Baking cakes? People like Dezua events and Dripped cake in ph offer some courses I think- sign up for them or pergaps volunteer to work with them for no cost if they are close to you but, just develop yourself whilst you wait and also get close to God.

    Cheers, Good luck and God bless you!

  31. Judgejudyjudy

    July 15, 2016 at 11:35 pm

    *Dripples cake

  32. just a phase

    July 16, 2016 at 5:40 am

    Sweerie this is just a phase trust me, most of us have been there. Some of us are heading to 30 and still experience shyness and some bouts of depression for one reason or the other. But you can’t kill yourself, instead focus on positive aspects of your life, be thankful to God, get close to Him and like others have said while you await school admission, develop yourself in other ways, learn something -computer, baking, sewing, cooking, volunteer, even writing. I spent three years post high school grad and hated myself because i was so thin and didn’t think i was beautiful, but i went to computer school and added some value to myself. Forget about your sources of insecurities, and focus on the things that give you confidence like your beauty – glad to know you consider yourself beautiful. You will be fine dear and soonest you will look back and smile at your younger self.
    Cheers xoxo

  33. x

    July 16, 2016 at 6:20 am

    HI!!
    I am 17 too and I don’t dance in church either, I am hairy and I also hardly ever go out. You’re a fine girl sha o, with all these people asking to date you. Ha, na you o. I want you to know that you’re not alone. I want you to remember God in these times when nothing seems to be working for you. Remember that His will for you is greater than your plan and as long as you allow Him access your life, you will have cause to testify. Trust me when I say a gap year isn’t the worst thing. I’m in school right now and I would do anything to change schools or even be at home. Just work hard and pray. Also try and make friends. No need to be desperate because that’s how people join bad gang..lol. Friends can help you in your faith and through the toughest points. In all sincerity, you cannot talk to your parents about everything so you actually need friends. Your mum…exactly why I initially ran away from gap year (house-girl business). Talk to her, if she’s a good mum and I really hope she is, she’ll reach out and empathize with you. FInally, stay strong boo. Just know, Jah knows best. Love

  34. Onyinx

    July 16, 2016 at 8:14 am

    All the advice here have been well said…I would just add a lil….please tolerate ur mum…I know how u feel wit her constant nagging and d amount of chores u have to do…enrol to learn a trade or get a job…sometin that makes u leave d house everyday. Please pray often and ask God to help u and see u through….Things can only get better so don’t stop working on urself “there must be a story behind your glory”

  35. Dear Aunty Bella

    July 16, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Please could you make this a post so that I could get the views of BN fam. Please don’t judge me about this post. There is a guy i really like and i don’t know how to get him off my mind so that i can move on for good. I think it’s a case of unrequited love. I felt a strong connection with him the first time we met but we didn’t exchange contacts. Later on, I got his number online and contacted him only because i felt the connection was mutual. He was at first sceptical about how i got the number but later relaxed and sounded as if he was happy i reached out. We became friends again but the problem is we are nothing more. We only chat once in a while and although he says I can call him anytime i am bored and feel like talking, I don’t because i felt it’s kind of awkward since he hasn’t even bothered to call not even once and I feel like i imposed the friendship on him.

    Anyway I know it doesn’t make sense but the problem is I can’t seem to get him off my mind. I am not getting any younger, almost 30 but I feel like he is my dream guy. But since he isn’t reciprocating I am trying to let it go and forget about him. I just don’t know how to. I know I am not bad to look at and i have had some guys i didn’t like going almost psycho on me in the name of crush/love. I sincerely felt a connection so i just don’t get why he wouldn’t reciprocate but there are many reasons – he could have a girlfriend already or even be married as he lives abroad.

    I have grown tired of being single, settling for wrong relationships and I have almost given up on love and marriage because i hardly get toasters anymore. I am bored with my job and have been tempted to quit several times, but it is taking me places so i shouldn’t complain. I am pissed off at my married boss who has persistently harassed me sexually and manipulates me emotionally. I am also pissed off that I didn’t have the courage to tell him off face-to-face and assert my stand instead i told him over messages and keep bearing his passive aggressiveness, and calling him a mentor for the sake of my job. I don’t know what my passion is anymore. I just don’t have so much zest as when i was much younger. I try to volunteer in church and serve so that gives me some fulfilment. I am in a good place most times but sometimes i just feel overwhelmed with these issues and relapse into an unhappy state. Please help!

  36. Hatsoff

    July 17, 2016 at 6:05 am

    Dear Poster,
    Reading through your post reminded me so much of myself when I was your age. I spent two years at home after secondary school. I can tell you, It was depressing! It felt like nothing was working. It felt like my life wasn’t moving foward. There was no hope. Everyone asking you the question, “what next?” now that you’re done with school. I dreaded this question so much.

    I remember what kept me going was the weekly services I attended in church. I immersed myself in the word of God and prayed so much. Since I didn’t have much doing, I took that opportunity to know God more. I did a lot of self reflection, and worked on myself. This really helped me become a better person. I was way mature than my peers by the time I started college. I knew what I wanted from life at the start of college and I was focused. Sometimes, I ask myself if I would have turned out differently if I started college when I was 16. Well, I guess everything really happens for a reason!

    About your body issues, I had that too. You have to learn to accept your body the way it is. We are all special in our own way. Look, if someone doesn’t accept you the way you are then you’re not meant for them and vice versa. This is how I have dealt with mine.

    About shyness, I used to be so shy. Omg! Don’t worry, this is definitely something you will overcome. And everyone deals with it in different ways. I dealt with mineby getting involved in a lot of activities (church, school, events…) that involved interacting with a lot of people. Constantly presenting/speaking in front of people really helped.

    About friends in general, you need to pray for the “right” friends (whether male or female). As I grow older, I’m understanding more about this whole friendship dynamics and how there are different types of friends. All in all, friends will come and, but constantly ask God to show you who the right ones are. Ask God to bring the right people into your life.

    Sorry for the long epistle. I really wanted to share my experience with you. As you grow older you’re going to look back a these days. You just keep pushing and keep your head up.. You will get there!

    Best wishes..

  37. aj

    July 18, 2016 at 1:54 am

    girl you remind me of myself at that age….with the social anxiety/extreme shyness. I still have a little bit of it and i am a lot older than you. It has gotten better with time though…give yourself time you’ll get over it.

  38. mirich

    July 26, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    u hv already recieved d best counsels frm odas.nt mch to say. i was like you.i got my admission at19 afta leavin sec sch at 15, all my friends were gone. jst keep on tryin and u will get dere. being self concious is normal, u will get pass it. jst wish i could talk to u personally.wish u all d best in d world.

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