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Aunty Bella: Miss. Hopelessly In Love

BellaNaija.com

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dreamstime_l_32890109Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.
***

Hey BellaNaija Team, please I need serious advice. I would make this short as I can. My best friend introduced me to her now ex boyfriend’s brother during one of my trips to Nigeria. We got talking, exchanged numbers and back to England I went. Communication was good and all until he told me how much he loved me, which I also affirmed that I felt the same way – until he stated that he could not be with me because he is a Sickle Cell carrier, which I had always known and that secondly he would love to marry a Muslim girl, as he was one?.

I should state here that I am AA and I am not necessarily a Christian but I believe in God and I believe in being kind to one another. So according to him, he would not want to end up selfish by tagging me along. It was a very hard conversation to have but we did and just decided to still remain mutual platonic friends.

Honestly, I was madly and still in love with him but it killed me that he never gave our love a chance. We kept talking but it never seemed like old times. He, however, went on to date two different girls afterwards which I knew about but never worked out for him.

I on the other hand went on to focus on my academics and I am happy I came out top of my class, so I never had time for a relationship. Three years down the line, he is back to asking me out and now wants us to give the relationship a shot.

I never stopped loving him all these years and I would love to date him but I cannot seem to get past his utterance three years ago that we would never have worked out any ways because of the differences we have. I have not given him a definite response but I said to him that I would love him as long as he lets me. BellaNaijarians please do advice a girl who is hopelessly in love??.

Aunty Bella please feature me in one of your post. I really do need honest and genuine advices. Thank you.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

35 Comments

  1. Nkechi

    July 13, 2016 at 1:10 am

    Let the guy go with his desires. If he comes across a nice Muslim girl in future. you will be in trouble. You also need to stay prayerful. I understand the fact that you believe in being kind to one another which is great but I also want to serve a God who cares about my future and can direct me so I don’t have regrets 10years down the line.

  2. Me

    July 13, 2016 at 1:41 am

    You’re a fool, why?

    1.) you love someone who isn’t in love with you
    2) even with your AA and his SS state, na him do you shakara
    3.) when he meets a Muslim chick he likes, he’s gonna leave your a$ss even if you’ve got 10 kids for him
    4.) as long as he is from a Muslim family even if you convert, his family would NEVER like you, and they would do everything and anything to kick you out of that union. You might say some people are successfully in intereligious marriages, but look closely you would also see that those involved are madly in love with themselves
    5.) you haven’t found yourself if you haven’t found a meaningful relationship with your maker (my sister stop sitting on the fence, u’re either a Christian or you’re something else….please do and find out what you are quick quick (when you serve your maker you are more likely to be successful at whatever you do, even if that thing is only “rational thinking”, but if you need help you can try on deciding between Jesus, Allah or Obatala ?….)

    • Nahum

      July 13, 2016 at 3:11 am

      THANK YOU!!! You said it all!!! She is trying too hard to be the perfect bride for a man that does not see her perfection and is deliberately looking for flaws. This is a disaster in the making. Inter religious marriages work ONLY when both parties are truly in love with each other. Plus she seems so ready to ditch her faith to please the man. Please my dear, don’t let me use the (D) word on you. Leave this man and find your happiness elsewhere. But I know you will not heed any advice on this blog and you will do what pleases you so, best of luck, but you were warned.

    • Ade

      July 13, 2016 at 8:11 am

      Thanks lovely. Would pick out the constructive ones and discard the “fool” part. Thank you once again?

    • Bleed Blue

      July 13, 2016 at 8:38 am

      @Ade, you’re so gracious in your response, and NO, you’re not a fool!
      That was such an unnecessary aspect of that comment, even though I must agree the rest of it contained good advice.

      People please, just because someone is going through or has gone through something which you can’t imagine yourself going through does not make the person a fool. C’mon! We’ve all had our slip ups when we’ve done something not-so-smart in life, in love, in academics, at work, with nuclear family, with our faith, with our health etc. Be kind jor.

      Ade regarding Mr. Lover, I genuinely think no amount of advice we give you on BN will make your heart want him any less. However my general advice to you is to focus on something else, the same way you focused on your studies when he left you, which resulted in you coming top of your class. So focus on your career, your skill, hobby or maybe on looking deeper into your faith.
      You will excel in your chosen focus and life can only get better from there.
      Keep your head up babe. 🙂

    • Esmeralda

      July 13, 2016 at 11:41 am

      Kaiii!!!! Seriously, ALL the points you made were GREAT and valid but the “Fool” thing just gave it a bitter side. The world would be a better place if we could cut out a lot of this unnecessary aggression.

    • Idomagirl

      July 13, 2016 at 2:27 pm

      It’s that why you called her a fool?
      You sef.

    • Annie

      July 14, 2016 at 12:22 pm

      Hahahahahah….. Whoever you are…. I Love You!

  3. jennie obi

    July 13, 2016 at 1:49 am

    Sweetie, please let it go, no woman should subject herself to being someone’s “spare tyre”, the truth is that he sees you as an option and that’s why he had the guts to end things with you initially. Believe me if you go back to him and he sees someone who fits in better,he will dump you for her. “Know your worth darling and then add tax”. Best of luck hun.

  4. Kiiki

    July 13, 2016 at 3:01 am

    My lady, please, #KnowYourWorth!!!

  5. osaretin

    July 13, 2016 at 3:50 am

    Gbam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Know your worth. you deserve better just be patient 🙂

  6. GraceOfGOD

    July 13, 2016 at 8:02 am

    @Author,

    Good morning DEAR SISTER. Your story reminded me what I experienced a couple of MONTHS ago but in my case I was the one who ended it due to my FAITH. I am a CHRISTIAN, I am NOT perfect but I love GOD and I want to marry a CHRISTIAN also. He was a MUSLIM, I respect his FAITH but I could NOT imagine myself raising CHILDREN who might become Muslims because of their DAD. To all the MUSLIMS here I have NOTHING against you, neither do I have anything against your RELIGION. I am a CHRISTIAN and that is the ONLY way for me and I want it to be the ONLY way for my HUSBAND and CHILDREN so that we can ALL pray TOGETHER and speak the SAME SPIRITUAL language. Now to you DEAR SISTER, let me be FRANK with you. DEAR it takes MORE than LOVE to make a MARRIAGE work. These emotions you have NOW might FADE over the TIME due to some DIFFERENCES among the TWO of you. And another IMPORTANT point is the fact that you are a SECOND OPTION for him. Please I am NOT saying it to HURT you, NO DEAR, I am just trying to be RATIONAL. He DID NOT give a CHANCE to your love story because he wanted a MUSLIM girl, which by the way is his RIGHT, he went and TRIED some Muslim GIRLS and it DID NOT work out the way he WANTED it. He is now coming back to you so that both of you can be an ITEM. What about his FIRST MAJOR objection, you being NOT a Muslim? Dear he will ask you to CONVERT, he will FORCE you to become a Muslim with TIME. If you have nothing AGAINST it, then FINE but know at the BACK of your mind that you would become SOMEONE ELSE in order for you to FIT IN. If I were in your shoes I would say NO to this LOVE eventhough the DECISION would make you VERY SAD at the BEGINNING but you shall OVERCOME it. There is ONE person WHO can HELP you to MAKE the RIGHT decision, HIS name is GOD. Talk to HIM, tell HIM what you FEEL deep down, be FRANK with HIM and HE would SHOW you the WAY, the RIGHT WAY. May GOD assist you, may HE bless and protect you in JESUS name I prayed, amen. Have a GREAT day and stay BLESSED 🙂 🙂 🙂

  7. Billionaire in Grace

    July 13, 2016 at 8:22 am

    I applaude all the comments i read so far. My dear sister what you are feeling now, it will fade away one day as @GraceofGod just mentioned.
    Plus i would not advise you to give in and give up on your faith just because of some emotional feeling which is detecting your whole being.
    Let God guides you and few years down the line you will praise him for whatever guidance he will give you.

    Be strong

  8. Yeyeperry

    July 13, 2016 at 8:22 am

    He wasn’t ready then, He is now. Give it a shot! Life is too short girl.

    • Anonymous

      July 13, 2016 at 9:01 am

      Yeyeperry told you to give it a go. Says a lot dear.
      Now playing Runaway Love ft MJ Blige

  9. A

    July 13, 2016 at 8:23 am

    I’d hate to bring tribe into this… But
    We have to admire the liberal attitudes of Yoruba people to religion
    I’m at least 90% sure that this poster isn’t Yoruba. They just live their lives and so many Yoruba families have 1 Christian and Muslim parent. Sometimes they even combine with traditional religions ?❤️
    That’s one of their strengths, while the same thing continues to plague us everyday

    Anyone who tells you not to be unequally yoked or whatever rubbish they have to tell you. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you both have respect for each other’s lives and beliefs. Twonchristians can be married and one is good while the other is a cheating, bullying, irresponsible partner. That one no unequally yoke pass?

    Nonetheless, there are other reasons you shouldn’t be with the guy, from your article, it seems that the religious aspect is the least of your worries

  10. Cookie

    July 13, 2016 at 8:54 am

    You are AA and his SS,yet you were willing and ready to dive into the relationship..That didn’t move him,he still left because you are not Muslim like him… Babe you were ready to sacrifice all for a man who wasn’t willing to do same..He saw differences,you saw love.. You were ready to jump out of the plane without a parachute,but he wasn’t even willing to do same for the sake of LOVE/FRIENDSHIP/TOGETHERNESS….

    I bet the other muslim ladies he dated weren’t ready to marry an SS,i bet they didn’t come close to you in personality and character.. Then he realizes he lost a gem and its wakanow.com moment.. If you decide to give him a second chance,which isn’t totally a bad idea. I suggest you be careful and use your head more than your heart this time around.. You have to have a lengthy conversation and ask him why he came back to you,he needs to prove himself,prove his love,prove his willing to make sacrifices,prove he will allow you worship whomever you choose/decide to eventually call your God and religion…

    My true advice is,nahhhhhhhhhh wakanow.com away from him and his comeback series..Girl you don’t need it,you deserve way better and you are better than that,to take up his offer… If only you can be patient my dear,you will meet a man who knows your worth,a man who deserves you,a man who won’t bolt when things get tough or at the slightest adversity just give up on a relationship… This guy doesn’t love you and he never did from the Geeko.. Don’t look back i beg you,you are the one who has feelings for him,you are the one who loves him…It’s not and was never a mutual feeling… Count it all joy,and just tell him you are flattered he came back,but all is in the past and can and will never be resurrected…. Wait for your ONE…

    • Ade

      July 13, 2016 at 9:58 am

      Thanks cookie. Would discuss definitely think this through. Bless you?

  11. Ayo

    July 13, 2016 at 9:00 am

    I don’t think religion is an issue if there is love because I’m married to a muslim for almost 8yrs and I’ve never regretted it. Some Christians or muslims couple do not enjoy marriage as much as you would expect. He makes sure we prepare for church by helping us and I reciprocate. I just think u need to worry about his love because according to your explanation its more like you are the one in love.

    • sugame

      July 13, 2016 at 2:19 pm

      during your dating days, how did your family react ? did you do a church wedding and also wedded at the mosque, did he ever bring up the issue of you converting to islam ? how about your kids ? are you guys exposing them to both religions so they decide for themselves ?
      sorry if i’m asking alot of questions. I’m in an early stage of xtian girl & muslim guy situation lol.

  12. Chinma Eke

    July 13, 2016 at 9:27 am

    ……..Honestly, I was madly and still in love with him but it killed me that he never gave our love a chance….
    Story of my life!

    Faith isn’t something that should be toyed with or dismissed. You need to decide where you stand, that will aid your decision.

  13. Call Me Gorgeous...

    July 13, 2016 at 9:56 am

    My Agnostic poster,
    Know your worth and add taxes, pension to it…
    That man you are in love with isn’t in love with you..
    Find your self another man..
    Kindly “unlove” this man and open your heart to love another man…

  14. Abuja Bored Girl

    July 13, 2016 at 10:06 am

    Its unfortunate that you’re ready to give up your faith for a mortal man. A mortal man that can easily disappoint you. Its so unfortunate. Please don’t try it, there are many men in the world and i bet you’ve not met half of them. Be patient. You may think, you may not be able to cope if you let him go, but trust me, I’ve being in your shoes. You’ll get over it with time. The truth is he’ll always see you as an option(a second best). Marriage is more than i love you.
    I only pray you find your way back to Jesus. He alone would give the direction of your life and give you meaning. All the best.
    memoirsofanabujaboredgirl.blogspot.com

  15. its_urgirlie

    July 13, 2016 at 10:16 am

    I couldn’t resist commenting on this even if almost all the comments have said it all. Poster you seem so sweet and nice. And what you feel is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s LOVE and that is why despite he’s shortcomings, you still feel it. He rejected you years ago, and you lived through it, that made you stronger and because you are stronger, your mind doesn’t want to accept him this time around but the feelings are still there. FOCUS on yourself for now and most importantly, start being serious with Jesus christ. I would have definitely advised that if he persists and shows genuine commitment, that you could consider him but then, he’s a Muslim Except you choose to become one, if not, LET IT GO!

  16. Niyoola

    July 13, 2016 at 10:31 am

    I thought sickle cell carriers were AS? SS has the disease…… AS is carrier.

    Anyway, the only person an SS can be with is AA, so I don’t get why he said he can’t be with you because of his Genotype.

    Ade, Mr Man wants to be with you because you are convenient. If it doesn’t work out, he’ll quote the previously stated reasons. If he meets a Muslim chick he is likes, he’ll break up with you. You should also find out his thoughts on raising kids with a different religion from his, will h marry 3 other wives? You are Miss Right Now, not his Miss right.
    Just nurse your broken heart, you’ll get a better person. Don’t be with someone who is ‘settling’ for you because he didn’t find his ‘spec’ out there.

    (some people commented that because the guy is SS, he shouldn’t do shakara. Really? So because of genetic traits etc, he should be grateful for whoever chooses him? Please let’s do away with that line of though. There should b equality of forming please…. lol!)

  17. D'JA

    July 13, 2016 at 10:36 am

    My parents have been married for over 28 years, my dad is a muslim and my mum is a christian. No right thinking muslim man would FORCE his wife or anyone to convert. my mum still goes to church, Mountain of fire sef. If you can work out all your other differences, religion shouldn’t be a barrier to love and happiness. We all serve one God. best wishes.

  18. Adaeze Writes

    July 13, 2016 at 10:38 am

    Be patient, your own will come. He obviously is coming back because he tried relationships and they haven’t worked.
    Go out, have fun and meet someone new.

    For thrilling stories, visit adaezewrites.com

  19. joor

    July 13, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    I just can’t pass this part… *Not necessarily a Christian* and is the same God that you will run to for signs and wonders. My dear pls start acting like you have a Choice..
    I have commented on this before but something about this ur shaky Christianity just marvels me.
    Plss there’s no middle ground in Christianity, muslim, buddhist, cultist and the rest. It’s either u are in it or u are not.

  20. joor

    July 13, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Lemme paste this here, maybe ade u didn’t see…if u can handle marrying SS , I have seen it work #true story ,then him being a muslim, ain’t a problem since you are ,and I quote “not necessarily a Christian” whatever that means * (this is me joking)
    Slaps sense into ur head
    Ok..what is wrong with you pls, first he rejected ur love , then 3yrs after, after being dumped by two other girls, he remembers a left over(which is u btw… I love you but),SS, then u want to forsake ur religious beliefs for his… Going by what you said ..”not necessarily a Christian”. I can’t deal.. sweetie what exactly do you mean by that..cos as far as I know there’s no middle ground in Christianity, either u are or u are not. So plssss do explain

  21. "changing moniker"

    July 13, 2016 at 4:02 pm

    hon,
    this guy doesn’t seem to love you very much…so since he is muslim, if he finds someone who is also muslim that he actually does love, then he’ll marry her….
    You might have to get prepared to be the 1st of four wives. Plus since you’re AA, you might be the child bearer, while the other wives are for bed, cooking, loving business.
    Please think properly

  22. Beekay

    July 14, 2016 at 3:27 am

    Someone who will love you deeply like his own flesh, who knows you’re irreplaceable will find you. Someone who’s worth waiting for. Stay strong!

  23. Ope

    July 14, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    Leave that dude biko. You sure deserve better.

  24. caramel

    July 15, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    pls how can one stories for advice?

  25. caramel

    July 16, 2016 at 4:20 am

    pls how can one send stories for advice

  26. Realchild

    July 16, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Sweetheart, so many pieces of advice have been given here. Now it’s up to you to decide if you want to be with that guy. Think very hard about it! You will be the one to reap the fruits of your decision, good or bad.

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