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Narnia: 10 Situationship Red Flags

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dreamstime_m_61949581Atoke’s very beautifully written Elastic Heart series inspired me to write this because it brought back memories that were hitherto bad, but now seem silly to me.

I will admit that I was very naïve. A late bloomer and I had little (and made no attempt to seek significant) dating or general life experiences. I have had not one, not two, but five (5) very annoying situationship heartbreaks. At every stage, I thought I had learnt my lessons, but found myself digging myself into the next situationship hellhole. Every single one even more stupid than the previous one. There was a difference between my own kind of situationship and being a side chick. I was more in the friend-zone.

Surprisingly, I have never been a side chick intentionally. I have never had that “he’s going to choose me” ideology. It all boils down to laziness, because I have never been much of a fighter. Also, I believe that a person whom you’re in a situationship with is not necessarily a bad person. It is your responsibility to engage in certain oversight activities, from the very first form of contact you have with them.

This is my summary of red flags and the signs that can make you vulnerable to a situationship. They are from my own experiences and it may be different from the others, but I think someone can still learn from mine.

  1. You made the first move or you relied heavily on your friend’s match-making skills. This could set the pace for who makes the most effort.
  2. You are either bored, lonely, horny or have not been in a standard, defined relationship in a very long time.
  3. You have or at one point in time had a crush on them. You are shy around them, cannot look them in the eye and this could mean you’re not confident enough to be logical around them.
  4. Situationships mostly thrive in long distance circumstances, either as a result of being bored or lonely (or both).
  5. The first few days of talking, they want to know everything and so much about you within very little time. He uses this to know exactly what to do and what you want to hear. This is a popular entrapment mechanism, because you’re trying to impress your crush. You will find that you enjoy talking about yourself and experiences at any opportunity you have. This is the point you start catching feelings. This is when they know you like and enjoy their company.
  6. Preferring to use instant messaging or “extra cool midnight calls”. I have had a deep thought about it but I have no logical explanation for why this happens.
  7. The major topics you find yourself discussing are pop culture and sexuality. Nothing serious. At this point, you know what is coming, but you cannot come out of the woodwork with a “what are we?” question, for fear of changing the normal “fun” mode of interaction.
  8. They are using words that seem like love but is not actually love. You will hear things like; “I miss you so badly” and “Any time I listen to this song I think of you”.
  9. Delivered messages: Takes forever to reply. 6 dialled calls: 1 missed call that rang for 15 seconds. This is the heartbreak activating agent.
  10. You find it difficult to say ‘no’ to them or ask them for things.

Case in point 1; you’re travelling to Nigeria and your baggage allowance is 3 times beyond the limit but you’re taking more than 1 minute to decide if you should help them deliver some things to Ibadan.

Case in point 2; you have exhausted your data chatting with them, but find it difficult to tell them, for fear of coming across as coyly begging for recharge card. You think if you ask for a favour you will “chase” them away.

My dear BellaNaijarians, those are the major red flags I am able to remember from my own experiences. I believe if you are experiencing more than 5 of these, you are a primary target for a situationship. I have grown wiser and past my experiences but I would like to read from how other people with different experiences identified red flags they fell for.

Photo Credit: Pablo Hidalgo | Dreamstime.com

17 Comments

  1. That African Chic

    August 29, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    Haven’t actually been in a Situation ship. Scratch that I have. Was talking to this guy for the longest time and we would always end the call with ‘I love you’ . It was long distance and he was always there for me. He was calling me all the time, being a listening ear, even sent me money, introduced me to his friend who was coming down from abroad etc. But I couldn’t tell for sure if we were dating or not cos he never called me his girlfriend. So one day I asked him “errm what are we actually” . He told me he ‘loves’ me but doesn’t want to do a long distance RELATIONSHIP. I said ok to him. And I cut the line. He then called back to apologise but I told him he didn’t love me. And that if he did he would want to make it work distance or not. After the call i cried. I cried so much because I knew that was it for me. I just moved on afterwards.
    Today we are cool and he told me about his new gf who he plans to marry. They are in a long distance relationship.

    • Me

      August 29, 2016 at 7:17 pm

      Please write a book about this… This is too funny lool. I have been in so many situationships as in its absolutely ridiculous. It’s so funny cos most of them are always long distance. There was a time I was BBMing with this person as in the whole from good morning to good night type of convos (in my mind I don find husband)…….Then I found out he was engaged to be married… *okpari*, I just cut him off immediately, Lool. I’m sure he’s still wondering what went wrong, I’m not that bothered anyway because he was in the wrong for what he was doing to his fiancé and he probably wouldn’t recognize me if he saw me (beauty of long distancing ?).

      I personally think 3 reasons were why I always found myself in situationships, they might be or not be applicable to other people:
      1.) I didn’t have values because I was very complacent about not having a religion, God or prayer life
      2.) I didn’t know what I wanted from life
      3.) I’ll just be honest with myself and agree that I was a bit insecure, you know that feeling when you are scared to ask so that the “situationship” doesn’t fall apart.

      Chei youth. Thank God for God.

    • @thatafricanchic

      August 29, 2016 at 10:39 pm

      Sorry o but, was that before or after the guy in the US that you were married to? Wasn’t that a situationship as well? I mean, you got to the US and suddenly, everything stopped, you stopped updating your blog for like forever and then after like years, you resurfaced to say you were single. Surely, THAT was a situationship, no?

    • slice

      August 30, 2016 at 3:05 am

      If she was married then it was not a situationship

  2. bee

    August 29, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    Currently in one or let me say I just got wiser… met dis guy at a friends’s party and d way he was looking at me was intense like I immediately had a crush on him dat moment until he asked for my number iwas happy he did waited for he call d next day and I got none he called like weeks later I had alredy forgotten abt him den but I was iexicted he did, we got chatting and it was really fun chatting with him no talk of dating or anytin we agreed 2 meet at his place. Wen I got 2 his plaaace he seems so into me and I don’t knw wat happened next we had sex and it was my first tym we met like 3 times after dat nd dat w’s it. I knw d postion iwas in Becos no calls and d chatts wher getting shorter felt bad Becos I slept with sumone I shuldn’t ave can’t explain it but I waited so long like I had denied so many pple access nd I finally gave in 2 someone who didn’t really ask for it can’t even ask him for stuff

    • Hopeful

      August 29, 2016 at 9:09 pm

      @ Bee, you just told my story. A late bloomer as well,my first was basically a situationship with some guy who treated me like a side chick ( I don’t know if I was). I walked away and promised myself I wasn’t going to put myself in the same situation again because I was now wiser. Till this day I regret that after waiting for so long, I gave myself to someone who had so little regard for me. Fast forward 3 years later, I find myself in another situationship. Each time I asked him what we were,he’d basically say we were everything and yet nothing. I finally cut him off. Only consolation is I didn’t go all the way with him. I kinda miss him ( a case of half loaf better than none) but I know I deserve better. So hang in there sis, and know you are not alone. We have to move past our mistakes and live life as best as we can. Cheers!

  3. Realchild

    August 29, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    In all my relationships, I’ve been taking advantage of, and yes I was a very late bloomer. After each relationship I’d say to myself that I’d become wiser. But for where? I’m taking for granted again. However, the veil of foolishness and naivety was eventually torn off when my guy of four years impregnated another lady, and that was second time. That was it for me! But I’m so thankful to God that it happened before we got married because I believe it would still have happened, anyway. (We were going to do the introduction 2 months before the sad occurrence.) I was so, so trusting. I never asked for anything in all those years and just loved unreservedly. Well, I’m wiser now. Maybe I’ll have to love with some reservations and definitely will be more inquisitive and outspoken, if love comes my way again.

  4. Dolly

    August 30, 2016 at 2:04 am

    My situationship will be that one time i let my walls down for this dude i used to work with. I’d just joined the company and he wouldn’t stop coming on me. He texted and called for months and i still told him no but when my home girls met him and said i was crazy to keep playing him since he was the description of TDH and every girls dream, I stopped thinking with my head for once.

    I finally invited him over to my apt, we talked and kissed. Some weeks later we had sex and after few more times i started thinking with my head again. Why is he always in a hurry to leave after the sex at night, why is he always texting and paying little attention. You know a girl gotta do some digging, so i went agent spy on I.G, FB and made a discovery. He’s in a relationship with some girl from the Bronx. I confronted him and he shy away insisting he spends most time with me like that answers my question. From that point I knew what I was in but he kept acting like we was together so i didn’t care since the sex was fulfilling a need, it was winter time.

    Some months later, he asked to move in with me coz he had a problem with his place. I agreed with rules set down, no bitch in my house. Well I must have sounded like a weak violin coz about a weak later I found him in my bed with his girlfriend. Lets just say i put him and his broke bitch from the bronx in a taxi that night.

    He’s since been in touch since i left that company shortly after the incident, he’s asking we start afresh coz he broke up with the girl but no honey….check back another cold brutal winter.

    • Tosin

      September 2, 2016 at 1:26 pm

      lol tooo funny

  5. Situationship queen

    August 30, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Chai see my life outside, the last 2 years I have been queen and CEO of long distance situationships omg. Funny enough I have never experienced a situationship till the last 2 years when I discovered Nigerian blogs and then sdk’ ss n m came into my life this year and my long distance situationship life went up a gear. I would meet guys on this s n m and things would be good for about a month then they would go ghost…. Errrrr are they expecting me to chase them because that’s one thing I don’t do, beg or chase a man laye laye nixxa BYE!!!!!! Anyway I have learnt my lesson big time ati situationship o ati relationship o they can both rest. Right now I’m in a good place mentally, financially and spiritually. No more taking to boys after 5 mins again and no more putting myself or there to even meet boys again. Infact I have stopped dating because I cannot come and die ni. I only speak to boys that are my friends lati le. No new boys as friends I don’t need I already have too much self. I have moved out of situationship street and moved into GET MONEY street!

  6. Situationship queen

    August 30, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Forgive the typo’s I’m just waking up lol

    Bye

  7. TwoXChromosomes

    August 30, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    i think I’m in a SITUATIONSHIP

    we do majorly bbm talks and even if we talk over the phone I’m always the one who calls
    we call ourselves all sorts of sweet names on bbm… but i think i need a definition to what we are gangan
    so today I’m going to pop the ‘WHAT ARE WE?’ QUESTION

    • Mr. Egghead

      August 31, 2016 at 2:31 am

      We are nothing but pencils in the hand of the creator.

  8. Yummychickcummummy

    August 30, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    @dolly “r so i didn’t care since the sex was fulfilling a need, it was winter time”….. Lmao oooo
    Ehen I think m in d no5 situations hip.. We grew up together n lost contact and now he reconnected with me after he hrd m single now. we chat every day but he is abroad now. He used to crush on me but I was younger than him then so but it didn’t work. I was in junior high and he was in d University. But now am single, just got out of relationship and alone. He keeps me company thru calls n msgs probably wen he comes, things can work out or not.. But m OK with it Sha. He is not married nor engaged so no guilt……… I need d attention right now. Lol.. Plus v known him way bk

    • Dolly

      August 30, 2016 at 5:34 pm

      Girl brutal winter be having a girl vulnerable no lie.

  9. Someone Naughty

    August 31, 2016 at 2:10 am

    I’ve been in a situationship just once and it was one that lasted too long.

    Let’s call him Guy.
    Met in 2007, connected deeply but he just wouldn’t make a move… Another enters the picture, I date Another. Guy is upset about this and says to me “but I was here first.” I’m more upset than he is because I was really into him. Of course our friendship became weird because Guy and Another are family friends. Ugh

    Dated Another for almost 4 years. A relationship I thank God for saving me from, it was as dysfunctional as relationships get. He proposed, I said no. That was my biggest moment of clarity that I couldn’t possibly spend the rest of my life with Another. I broke up with him because I couldn’t carry the emotional baggage any longer. (side track: I should actually document this relationship or write a book about it)

    Guy was waiting right at the end for me. Guy is sweet like that. This was 2011. 4 years later. We became friends again and fell into our natural rhythm. Still Guy didn’t make a move. Our relationship wasn’t sexual. I loved that about us. We had only ever kissed and they were few and far between. We had this love and basketball thing going on and it was sweet. I move back to Nigeria, and Guy comes to visit in 2012. We talk and then we make out. This was our first time going that far so I asked “what’s going on between us.” Guy said “Just let it flow.” And I scoff “like water”. I could tell he really wanted us to work out but he just wouldn’t make the move. He likes to ease (over ease) into things and I like definition/clarity. I knew whatever we had was over at this point. I know one of his concerns was treading on my ex’s toes because family would get involved (this still happened in the end oh). We shared a few random moments after like one time him showing up at my door (just as I got in from the airport) with a box of my favourite cupcakes in the winter. Now that I’m typing it out, I realise this Guy might have actually loved me!
    So mine was a sweet but annoying situationship. We are both dating other people now and say hey every now and then.
    Phew! That was longer than I thought.

  10. Tosin

    September 1, 2016 at 2:52 pm

    more like situationship (long word!) green flags? i mean, what’s so wrong with going along?

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