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Do Better with Douglas: “While You Were Away, Sir” – Names of Noisemakers! A Report By VP Yemi Osinbajo

Do Better with Douglas

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Douglas imagines Vice President Yemi Osibanjo, a diligent acting President, filing a report of noisemakers for Pres. Buhari, while he’s away on vacation.

***
Good Morning Sir,

I hope this meets you well. How’s London?

Our meteorological agency is reporting it is quite cold. I hope you are dressed very warm. We cannot afford for you to have even catarrh right now. You know rumours are already going round that you are not well. They are saying that is why you left the country 2 days after an IDP camp was bombed. I trust the English hospital check-ups are going very well. I am sure you will come back with some vital knowledge sir, to share with our Ministry of Health, and Nigerian hospitals. Maybe next time, you may be treated here at home.

As you’ve put me in charge of the country, sir, it is important that I give you reports of what’s been going on as they happen. In light news, a Cameroonian helicopter helping us fight Boko Haram has crashed. It was not immediately apparent if it was the fault of our Air Force once again or another accident.

Also, our incredible 11 different exchange rates system is still intact, with dollar almost going for N500 on the black market.

In more urgent news, while you have been away sir, I have been noting the names of noisemakers. These people have unnecessarily been heating up the polity.

They are:

Joe Abah x2
It seems we may have made a mistake placing Dr. Abah in the Bureau of Public Service Reforms. We may have more use for him in our company of Digital Media Special Assistants. I think he will be best suited to head the Twitter Department. This weekend, the good doctor, adept at treating and administering hashtags, tweeted that he was waiting for a day that Nigerian women will protest, march and say ‘Enough!’
Not only is he inciting women against our administration sir, he’s not even being factual about it. The noisy Bring Back Our Girls has been advocating for the past 1000+ days. Not to even mention more recently Ughelli women protesting against Fulani herdsmen that our brother Mallam El Refai has yet to move against. If we decide to move him to our digital team, we should know though that while trending on social media is one of his strengths, recalling history isn’t.

Garba Shehu

For this one, sir, I am pretty sure you did not order this tweet. While we both admire Mr. Shehu in his capacity as Spokesperson on Media and Publicity, finding work for himself in a crowded office with Mr. Femi Adesina, Special Adviser on Media & Publicity, surely this is too much. We may think the lowest of the opposition, but we must voice our thoughts in a statesmanlike, mature manner.
I understand why Oga Shehu may have gone down this route sir. You know this #Petty thing is now trending amongst our youth. He may have been trying to connect with them. In which case, we must also congratulate him for the initiative. You know 2019 is only two years away now, and we need their votes.

Tolu Ogunlesi

For echoing his Oga and encouraging bad behaviour. Also, he could have been a bit more discreet about enjoying the thing.

The Nigerian Army v. Premium Times
Sir, these two groups are probably the noisiest on the list. Your old comrades, instead of directing their energies to the fight to end ‘Boko Haram’ and uphold our slogan that they have been ‘technically defeated’, they are setting the Police on the newspaper. They even had the Publisher and a reporter arrested over the weekend. Sir, I know your plate is full, and things tend to slip, but we are still in a democracy.

Kayode Fayemi
Minister Fayemi has been giving unauthorized advice to Nigerian youth. Telling them that they must work hard, that we don’t owe them anything. He said he was once a taxi driver and security guard before he made it in life. This is as good as saying we want them to suffer, sir! You know they are already complaining about the price of rice and kerosene going up. We cannot be seen to be giving costly advice like this, sir.

These are the names of noisemakers so far. I will continue to update while you remain away. Please continue to enjoy your holiday. In terms of holiday gift sir, I humbly ask only for one thing…

Pounds.

Douglas is a civil servant but this was not the plan. He convinced his parents to invest their elusive pensions in a private university education. He made sacrifices too. He tucked in every day, wore ties, ate tofu, attended church four times a week, listened to sermons probably drafted on private jets. He even graduated top of his class. At the end of it all the return was supposed to be a great job, regular salaries, workplace oppression by bosses who could actually write a sentence in proper English. But now he is a civil servant. Since the universe didn't keep to its end of its bargain, he won't either. He resumes work at the Secretariat at 11AM, on excellent days. Closes 3.30PM sharp. In between watching Africa Magic And gossiping with Folake in the next office, he writes things like this.You may also find him causing trouble on Twitter at: Tweets by dobetterdouglas

30 Comments

  1. Ruby

    January 24, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    I love!!! And that about Douglas made me laugh and fall off my chair

    • Bleed Blue

      January 24, 2017 at 4:56 pm

      Honestly I also laughed hard!

      His bio sef is another cracker!

      Why am I just hearing of this Douglas and where else can I follow his work?

  2. Yep

    January 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Love this!! Nice article Douglas!!

  3. Ade

    January 24, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    I enjoyed reading the write up, very funny, well done Douglas.

  4. lollly

    January 24, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    heheheheh. Nice and funny!

  5. abike

    January 24, 2017 at 2:31 pm

    oh douglas, I love the info about u…too funny! I have never been a civil servant but I totally understand their lifestyle…lol

  6. Suga

    January 24, 2017 at 2:56 pm

    Hahaha, this article is epic. Very typical of Osibanjo “THE OBEDIENT AND EVER HUMBLE CRAYFISH”. Always playing safe by the side of his tough master. With all his educational qualifications he has allowed that illiterate Buhari to be completely in charge of this country as he remain the ” errand boy”, that part of his job remains seeing his oga off to the airport any time he is travelling, “writing the names of noise makers for daily report” in his ogaS absence and punctually waiting to receive him at the airport on his return! Nigeria I hail oo. ?????

  7. Suga

    January 24, 2017 at 2:57 pm

    Hahaha, this article is epic. Very typical of Osibanjo “THE OBEDIENT AND EVER HUMBLE CRAYFISH”. Always playing safe by the side of his tough master. With all his educational qualifications he has allowed that illiterate Buhari to be completely in charge of this country as he remain the ” errand boy”, that part of his job remains seeing his oga off to the airport any time he is travelling, “writing the names of noise makers for daily report” in his ogaS absence and punctually waiting to receive him at the airport on his return. God bless Nigeria! ?????

  8. Mama

    January 24, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    Resumes at 11:00 am and closes at 3:30pm sharp has me in stitches. If that is not the typical day of all Naija public servants ???

  9. Razor

    January 24, 2017 at 3:23 pm

    The last line cracked me up ??? that’s the surest holiday gift right now.

  10. Californiabawlar

    January 24, 2017 at 3:27 pm

    Lmaoo! I love your bio! Don’t let your proprietor come for your diploma or ‘better’ still dash you mouth odor for throwing shade o…
    I like the concept of the noise makers being naughty children in the presidents camp and not the wailing opposition. Not like one is better than the other ?
    Biko Mr. Doug, cut back on the gossip with sisi Folake and start giving us weekly ‘news’ round up jere. It’ll be part of your civil service.

  11. Jagbajantis

    January 24, 2017 at 3:35 pm

    Best writer on BN, bar none. Shame it may not get the comments it deserves as it is deep and does not discuss men-bashing, romance or weddings. I am a huge fan!

    • Anon

      January 24, 2017 at 3:52 pm

      Oh please don’t be silly. On comments like this, the majority are still women. Have you ever seen lemmerant on this kind of article? Relationship comments get more because people want to show why/that their opinions are more useful. So get over yourself. You that dropped a comment, of what intellectual value was it ?

    • Jagbajantis

      January 24, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Somebody needs their diapers changed.

  12. #Proudnigerian

    January 24, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    Hehehe very interesting read

  13. Marian

    January 24, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    That’s how they were boarding and i was sitting down reading and smiling. This was really good and i already have it marked so i can read it again. Please write more, i enjoy your style and sense of humor.

  14. Engoz

    January 24, 2017 at 3:58 pm

    “He said neither government nor the citizens owe them anything,”

    So Kayode Fayemi actually said this? What then is the essence of having a government? Nigerian politicians are evil.

    • Bleed Blue

      January 24, 2017 at 4:54 pm

      Evil oh!

      And he was talking about being a taxi driver in the UK as if that’s not an honorable job there.
      My uncle was a cab driver for over 20 years and he got a good mortgage on a 3 bedroom house, his kids went to (free) good schools, he never had to pay for health care for his family and even though bills were huge around the house, he could actually see what he was paying for.
      Please erm…Nigerian cab driver?

      Oga Fayemi should come off it with that comparison.

  15. Tru

    January 24, 2017 at 5:30 pm

    LOLOLOLOLOL

  16. Damilola

    January 24, 2017 at 6:03 pm

    Douglas ure not serious at all! This is by far one of the best articles I’ve read on BN!
    Douglas we want more of this!
    The bio sef is even funnier than the article sef! Keep up the good work!

  17. Mz smiles

    January 24, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    Love love love your funny bio.Nice write up too

  18. Mrs truetalk

    January 24, 2017 at 8:34 pm

    Very interesting write up. Aptly sharing the trending news with a lot of humor. Please your bio is just too funny.

  19. Pink

    January 24, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    Lovveettt!! Welcome Douglas, i can’t wait to read more.

  20. Mz Socially Awkward....

    January 24, 2017 at 11:19 pm

    ????

    Kai but this was hee-larious. And the end – “I humbly ask for only one thing…. Pounds”. ???

    Biko, keep the list of noisemakers coming!

  21. nammy

    January 25, 2017 at 11:11 am

    I loved everything about this article from the title to the comments.
    Nice one Dougy!

  22. kristin

    January 25, 2017 at 1:25 pm

    Douglas do better na. Don’t be making fun of our government like this. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I already read it 3 times

  23. teesha

    January 25, 2017 at 1:39 pm

    Lolsss. I love this write up. Keep it coming BN, pleeease. Dough, where can I follow your article. I need a dose of this everyday.

  24. nammy

    January 25, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    I just noticed the Joe Abah×2 and it made me recall my school days. The more noise you made the more numbers or stars that’ll be written beside your name.

  25. Creamchic

    January 25, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    More of this please BN. We thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Doug thumps up.

  26. Peaches77

    January 25, 2017 at 10:15 pm

    Hilarious, Doug nwa mama please do this again and again. Your Bio had me in stiches.. Bookmarking this page and sharing with hubby.

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