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Aunty Bella: Ms. Need a Break

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***
I’m a single mother of two kids – Age 7 and 9.

It all started when I was 16. I met and fall so deep in love with the father of my kids. I got pregnant at the age of 18. He was struggling to survive, but my parents were not rich either. I struggled as much as I could to make ends meet, so my family would not have reason to complain about him.

He never told his family he had a child because he was serving his uncle. He said once his uncle heard, he won’t settle him. He begged my parents that he will make things right as soon as he receives his settlement.

That same year, he had issues with his uncle; he refused to settle him and sent him to his village.

I teach and do different lessons just to make ends meet so my parents won’t have reason to complain. I lie that he gives me money, but I don’t receive 1 Naira from him. After he went back to the village, he comes twice a year or once.  Along the line, I got pregnant.

I couldn’t imagine going for abortion. My parents were disappointed, but I never let any of their bad mouthing weigh me down. I resumed work the week I put to bed. I doubled my struggles because I have two kids and myself to feed. Their father keeps claiming he’s not working and don’t have money.

When he visits, he collects some of the little change I have. Till now, he hasn’t spent up to 10,000 on my kids. I call him every now and then. If I don’t call, he won’t call. The last time I saw him was when my 2nd child was 2 years old. She is 7 years old now.

There are days I call him, and he gives me the insult of my life  – especially when I tell him to at least get a job. I heard it is possible he his married with kids.

I still keep hoping he will come back someday. During all my struggles, I tried going for an NCE programme…still no good job. I tried raising money for to start shoes, bags, makeup business.

I got duped by the woman who promised to bring market. Then, the issue of men who want to sleep with me because I begged for 3000.

I have been through a lot just to make ends meet for myself and kids. I have prayed and cried, things have not changed.
Despite my hard work from sweeping and cleaning people’s houses and compound, to washing clothes, assisting to cook for occasions, serving etc.Things have refused to get better.
Outstanding school bills, days of starvation or garri from morning till night with no help from anywhere. Is it worth still waiting for this man that has done nothing for me? He once told me to ask the men I open leg for, to give me money.

His mother never asked how I cope with my kids. All she could say is I should assist her son, at least I’m a girl. It got to a stage where I intend taking my life. Looking at my kids won’t just let me, because I don’t want them to suffer.

I don’t mind any job connection please.

29 Comments

  1. Hmm

    April 9, 2017 at 1:23 am

    Are you not in Lagos? Isn’t government school free? I assume you live with your parents? Imagine a lazy man’s mother telling you to prostitute to feed her son? What is wrong with you? I am personally not comfortable helping you because you lack the sense to help yourself and use your brain. You will still turn around and give the man whatever money you make Fromm your job.

    • A Real Nigerian

      April 9, 2017 at 2:17 am

      Brutal but true.

    • Cocolette

      April 9, 2017 at 3:14 am

      This story just gave me headache! ?The lord is your strength and he will deliver you from your sperm donor’s amu. You’re still asking if you should wait for him! Ahhh!

    • Gina

      April 11, 2017 at 12:37 am

      No be small deliverance! Even if that amu shoots diamonds.

  2. Ajala & Foodie

    April 9, 2017 at 5:31 am

    While I have to admit that with your story you will be hard pressed to find sympathizers. Nevertheless, I had to remind myself that we are all products of grace. I also want to believe you do not know any better hence you willingness to write this without realizing how bad it sounds. But I hope with that comes a willingness to learn. Having said that; I will be honest with you and probably brutally so.
    1) I am curious as to what sort of break you seek ? I am guessing some kind of financial break but the truth is although I do not know you but from your story (as narrated by you) you do not sound like someone who is capable of making good decisions i.e even if you were get some money or a job today, I worry that you would not be able to manage your finances well.. You talked about giving money to a man and waiting on a man you have not seen in 5 years. A man who has not taking any responsibility for his kids who may be married and you are still asking about waiting on him? So I will advise surrounding yourself with people that not only educated but make better decisions as that will help you want better for yourself and for your kids because you deserve better!!!

    2) I feel what you really want is a job, I think it would have been easier, if you had just come forward and ask for that. You also went into great length to discuss the different jobs you have done but obviously not satisfied with and mentioned not being able to complete your NCE but nothing about what you can do or what you are actually hoping for. My question is what kind of job are you hoping for? i.e don’t just ask for a job, let us know what skills you have as that will enable people better help you.

  3. eazy

    April 9, 2017 at 7:42 am

    what’s even wrong with people these days. If u can’t help her, ‘jejely’ just move along, u don’t have to bad mouth her…u have no idea what she has been through.
    So what if she made a mistake @ 16!! haven’t we all?!!
    Sometimes in this world we make similar mistakes but suffer different consequences, so cos u escaped with a little std or a regret for having smashed someone u think u better??
    cut her some slack abeg he’s still the father of her children.
    lastly help her if you can, but if u can’t don’t be the reason somebody else won’t…it’s obvious she needs a break.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      April 10, 2017 at 3:27 pm

      @ Eazy,I actually came back to see if the poster had put up more information about what kind of jobs /skills she has and saw your comment. You do realize that no one that commented before you was stuck on her falling in love or getting pregnant at age 16. And you really think others are the ones with the problem? ? , is it me or are you projecting here? In case you missed it, the problem we all have with the poster are the decisions she is still making today. Not some mistake she made 9 & 7 years ago.

  4. Pretty

    April 9, 2017 at 7:45 am

    You guys should chill ah! Ah! She has admitted to her mistakes and came here for advice and help. You either provide one or more and move on. She has stated she wanted to start shoe, bag and make up business or offer any job you have. From what I read she needs to make ends meet and is not a chooser.

  5. Icrossmyheart

    April 9, 2017 at 8:21 am

    I sympathise with you. Truly. Many women fall because of the deception of men. Mainly, they get pregnant and are left to fend for themselves and their children.

    I am assuming that you are around 27, judging from the age you met him and the age of your first child.

    1. So why wait for a man who has not shown up for you and your children for nine years? Show up in the sense of providing for you and your children.
    2. When he has not provided, why do you give him money? To do what exactly? He is the one to give you the little change that he has since you are already taking care of the children.
    3. Where do you live? Do you stay with your parents?
    4. What skill set do you have? What can you do? How do you plan to do it? How likely will it sell and make profit?
    5. Why does his mother feel confident in you doing prostitution to feed her son? Something is amiss. Does she know you have two children for him? Has she also slept with men to provide for her son?

    Think deeply. As a previous commenter wrote, there is no point helping you if you are going to give the father of your kids the money. No point.

    I think the first step is to let go of him completely. COMPLETELY.

    Second, write down what your priorities are. You cannot be thinking about going to school and doing business at the same time if you have faced what you truly need to do: provide for yourself and kids.

    Third, what are your skills are and go from there.

  6. Anni K

    April 9, 2017 at 8:22 am

    My word. How and from where do I begin? I’m seriously trying to refrain myself from using harsh words but AHHHH! O gal, it’s hard to help someone with no sense of self-preservation.

    What that will translate to is inadvertently funding the guy who holds the remote to your Mugu button because when your circumstances improve, he will most definitely come running right back into your almost certainly waiting arms.

    First off, you need to receive the gift of sense. You lack the common sense most are born with. If you have it, you’re certainly not employing it. Pray tell, how much more can this baby daddy of yours do, for you to realize he’s no good? Or are you looking for baby number 3?

    Please you need to focus. Ask yourself what you want and how you intend going about it. Is it a job? What kind of job? Menial or blue collar? Are you skilled in any areas? What skills do you possess? Where do you live? In the city or back home in the village? Are you willing to leave your kids for better opportunities in the city if you’re in the village? Who then will take care of your kids?

    You’ve got to make tough decisions but this will begin the process of having a better life and securing a better future for yourself. Yours is a life made by wrong decisions and you have to correct that by making the right decisions.

    Kindly lose the number of that your sperm donor cos that’s all he is. Forget him and look ahead. I will love to hear from you when you make your decision. Bellanaija can contact me when you do because I’m willing to help you in whatever way I can. God bless you.

  7. john

    April 9, 2017 at 10:05 am

    I don’t even know where to begin..so let me go to another article

    • LemmeRant

      April 9, 2017 at 11:44 am

      lol.

  8. Zee

    April 9, 2017 at 10:47 am

    Why are we so harsh? So eager to judge and put people down. It takes so much to open up about one’s mistakes and challenges and yet instead of uplifting, we judge and make things worse. Some of us have made even worse mistakes but don’t have the courage to own up to them. The lady here is seeking for help and guidance. A little kindness would be nice. A little understanding and empathy cant be too much to ask for, People are going through hell and the least they could do is reach out to someone.

    Please don’t judge people who come to you for guidance. Just help if you can and support them.

  9. Zara

    April 9, 2017 at 11:38 am

    Bella naija please where can i post my story to

  10. o

    April 9, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    Why are you considering waiting for a guy who has been absent both physically and emotionally for over 9 years? You should have passed that stage since.

  11. cocozee

    April 9, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    Sometimes its not easy when.one is at that breaking point
    I have been there before.
    Pls.those who can pls help her get a job. Not everyone is a good writer or can spin a yarn that will touch hearts.
    Poster pls delete his no and move on.He is not your husband .stop clinging to the past
    You van still find marital bliss with someone else.
    Move on babe! May You find favour in the sight of men/women in Jesus name.

  12. cocozee

    April 9, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    Can*

  13. Carmen

    April 9, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    It’s sad what you’ve had to go through. You’re obviously a hard working woman.I sincerely hope you find something worthwhile to do,that’ll sustain you and your kids.

    It’s also sad to see that despite all you’ve been through,you ”still hope he’ll come back to you someday”. I’m not gonna waste time over the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Let’s talk about NOW and the future instead. DO YOU NOT LOVE YOURSELF? HAS IT NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER?Let’s be realistic here…why exactly are you hoping he’ll come back someday?why do you feel like you need him in your life?obviously not for financial support.heck…the guy isn’t even giving you even moral support sef.Is it the sex?Is the D that good to make all these suffering and insults worth it?if you say it’s for the kids…i disagree.That guy is just a sperm donor…your kids will be better off without that kind of fellow as a father figure.

    Learn to love yourself,girl. With your resilience, you’ll get a better job to cater for you and your kids. And please,stop giving him money. Really, Stop it. Stop sleeping with him…you’ll think clearer without feelings getting in the way to becloud your reasoning.Stop talking to his mum too,you do not need that kind of person in your life. I wish you all the best.

  14. Noms

    April 9, 2017 at 5:13 pm

    You are hoping for him to come ACK and do what exactly?
    I pray you get all the right help and counselling you need.
    Goodluck

  15. Papermoon

    April 9, 2017 at 7:05 pm

    Sit there ok and wait for him dutifully, and if possible give him all your money ok mmttcchheew. Nansins out of rubbish!!!

  16. Dr. N

    April 9, 2017 at 7:06 pm

    You have 2 kids. That man is a 3rd. Loose him and let him go
    Stop dreaming of d day he will drive in in a posh car sweep u off your feet apologize for everything and give u n d kids N20m
    It wont happen
    Decide to bear d burden. Write down what u can do and do a reply so we know how to help u
    Cheers
    ???

    • adelegirl

      April 10, 2017 at 11:37 am

      Dr N, you typed what was in my head – no need for long turenchi and blame game. Other commenters have ranted enough. Now, you need a solution. Topmost of that is to forget about this guy completely. Write him off. Close your legs. No more babies until you are settled, hopefully in a secure marriage with a good man. Focus on you and your children. How can we help you achieve that? What can you do? What skills do you have? What business can you do? Where are your children? What schools do they attend? Consider putting them in public schools that are free and make up your mind to make up the deficit by being involved in their learning 100%. It will not be easy but you can do it. Others before you have done it with minimal help. My mother who lived in Ajegunle and was the daughter of a poorly paid junior police officer and had no university education did it. She made up her mind to give her children the best. All 3 of us attended Corona primary school and had premium secondary and tertiary education within and outside the country and we are doing very well. Believe it or not, my 1st five years, I was living in Ajegunle with my mum and attending Corona school until we moved to a suburb in Isolo. So please, there is nothing you can’t do or achieve once you set your mind to it. Dust yourself up and focus! As I said. maybe send an email to BN Community, lets see if we can help you out! Wish you all the very best!

  17. trudy

    April 10, 2017 at 9:46 am

    i cant understand why some women like to SUFFER and ENDURE for LOVE. i cant understand why some women wrap their world around LOVE and MEN… God didnt create anyone to suffer, so why cant a majority of women ‘chop and clean mouth’ like our men folks do? must we succumb to the weakness called love and loose all logical thinking?

    my only advise for you is to forget about that man. He must be dead to you. its recession so jobs are hard to find. are you a christian? join a mega church and talk to someone influential there.. A lot of people will be willing to help a single mother of two or you can seek help from NGO’s.

    now, this is why its important to obey the BIBLE. the rules of the Bible do not restrict us, it rather protects us from situations like these. i wish you well, and i hope you dont repeat these mistakes.

  18. Nene'sMa

    April 10, 2017 at 10:13 am

    This one be think she’ll get Helo from BellaNaijs?? ?? these ones only know how to be condescending, no humanity in them.
    Please take your story to SDK if you need help.

    • funmilola

      April 10, 2017 at 1:34 pm

      you’re all shades of wrong and your comment makes no sense at all.

  19. BijouxthisBijouxthat

    April 10, 2017 at 12:10 pm

    Even if we wanted to help, you just put off a lot with this statement :I still keep hoping he will come back someday”..
    Unfortunately you haven’t learnt any lesson at all, you would go back to the douche bag who isn’t even your husband.. U made a genuine mistake at 15 but you are prepared to and still making foolish mistakes at almost 30,sorry that’s unpardonable
    Sorry but you don’t have my sympatheis..
    Ah what nansins.. Ur value system is soo misplaced and you have self esteem issues otherwise why settle for soo low..

  20. yummymummycumchick

    April 10, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    may GOD LET U BE AT POINT THAT U WILL SNAP BACK AND RESET UR PRIORITIES… COS U NEED THE HARD WAY TO LET GO OF THAT LEECH. EMBRACE THE BITTER TRUTH THAT HE IS NOT COMING BACK TO U AND U ONLY URSELF FOR UR KIDS… MAY THE LORD LEAD U ALRIGHT.IF U HAVE A MUM , Y CANT U DROP UR KIDS WITH HER. AND GET A SKILL , THEN USE UR SKILL TO WORK AND THE MONEY U MAKE, ,U CAN SEND SOME TO HER AND , U CAN SCHOOL OR ESTABLISH IN UR LINE OF APPRENTICE..

  21. Queen

    April 10, 2017 at 1:19 pm

    Hello Poster,

    I will like to really state that I truly understand where you are coming from and although it is indeed difficult to let go of your teenage boyfriend who doubles as your baby daddy, you have to think of your future.
    You can’t even begin to bother yourself about him right now bcos it’s not even in your hands to. (To me, it seems like he has broken up with you ever since, but sees you so vulnerable to keep walking over).

    You need to stand up and act right for yourself and for the kids looking up to you.
    No one wants a weak mum who is only living her life looking forward to another human being’s acceptance.
    Please move on already, and forward too.

    As much as I am scared to assist because you sound like you will have a lot of emotional baggage, I still deeply think all you need is a genuine love and care from a fellow woman to show you what strong really feels like. So, please send me a mail at [email protected]; let’s snatch your future right back.

    Enough of the pity party.

    http://www.f-queens.com

  22. Nene Sam

    April 19, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    Still don’t no what makes women love men who care less about them.for close to 11 years ,u’ve lied to urself,denied ur self d truth abt this scam u called a relationship.u struggle to make ends met yet d fellow comes n u give him from d little u v.close to ten yrs he hasn’t spent up to 10k on his children’s head,Abi? Now who is fooling who?young lady u r d cause of ur predicament,u gave him access to u at a young stage of ur life when wht should v been ur agenda ought to have been furthering ur education.on a more serious note ,u need help!what if u are assisted n he comes back begging n pleading ,will u accept him back and even give him money?tocut it short,get hold of ur life ,u not d only single parent around,gain more sense cuz u need it,find ways to develop urself academically,learn a skill;pays better,forget ur baby daddy n hope for a better tomorrow!

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