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Mrs Kush: How to Keep Your Man with Food

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Hello sister girl, my name is Mrs Kush, my food “expertise” doesn’t extend to relationships, so you might want to take my opinion with a pinch of salt. If you would, however, like to know what I think on this matter please grab a snack. This is going to blow your mind!

So, you want to know how to keep a man with food possibly even attract one with food? Here is my tip, YOU CANNOT KEEP A MAN WITH FOOD!

Did I disappoint you? Sorry. The headline was click bait. Now that I have you here, let me give you the reasons why you CANNOT keep a man with food, based on logistics some of my personal experiences.

I have had a long-distance marriage, twice
The first time was shortly after we got married, He was studying in another country. I couldn’t feed him across the ocean obviously. If I was keeping him (keeping each other) with food, our marriage would essentially be over, since I wasn’t bringing anything to the table literally. Did he miss my cooking? Of course, he did!

I am Mrs Kush, I slay in the kitchen… but all that slayage couldn’t help in this regard. We had to use boring old communication to get us through those tough times. Same thing, when he traveled for work a few years after that.

I have friends that are terrible cooks with great boyfriends/husbands
Do they complain, of course they do. Same way you always complain about your man’s constant farting or toothpaste etiquette (#teamsqueezefromthebottom). You find it annoying, but for some people, it’s hardly a deal breaker. If enough years pass, you don’t even notice because you have found ways round it. Other things like a great personality and loyalty seem to be more important in the grand scheme of things.

The way to a man heart is through food
This is true, very true. It’s a nice thing for you to make delicious meals for your man if you can. It’s also a nice thing for him to make a delicious meal for you if he can; because the way to a woman’s heart is also through food. Except that I have never actually won a government contract by presenting food. I don’t know of anyone who has either (this doesn’t apply to catering contracts et al) but even then, the best meal will not be the only consideration. Structure, organization, business integrity, track record etc. will also be factors and since we are in Nigeria, connection is a major key. Humans are like government contractors; good food is a plus, but other things need to be in place.

Some chefs have admitted to hating cooking at home
I once read an interview about a chef that said he looked forward to his wife’s average meals when he got home because, I’m paraphrasing here “I was tired of eating mede mede every day so, a simple meal of potatoes and sausage was a refreshing change”. He also said whenever people visited him at home and asked him to cook he’d tell them to f**k off because according to him “I spend 6 days a week cooking for 12 hours, there is no way I’m doing that at home,  for free!”. I can imagine some happily married female chefs feel exactly the same.

Some of our mothers will always be better cooks than us
Remember when you had a baby and your mum came to stay with you for a bit. Didn’t you and le boo look forward to her cooking? After the short vacation was over and she went back to her house, did your husband run off with you mother? No? I rest my case.

I listened to a radio show once where the presenter was describing how a mum went to do omugwo is the US and started an affair with her son-in-law. Chai! I doubt it was as a result of food though, they were just disloyal people… period.

So how do you keep a man? To be honest my opinion is you don’t. You cannot keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept.  The same thing applies to women. You can only be yourself, your best self and hope that it is enough.

If it isn’t, it’s their loss not yours. If God can love you just the way you are, someone somewhere will too.

Just be yourself.
Love,

Mrs Kush.

Ps.
I heard a story of how a woman “stole” someone’s boyfriend by cooking him different kinds of Nigerian soups, while the main chick was busy doing slay mama. Just wanted to throw that spanner in the works. They went on to get married and have kids. Let’s just hope the man doesn’t taste someone else’s delicious Nigerian soup anytime soon!

Photo Credit: Monkey Business Images | Dreamstime.com

16 Comments

  1. natachi

    May 19, 2017 at 3:00 pm

    odiegwu ….food? lol

  2. TANIA

    May 19, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    Will you people ever stop?
    Ah ah!
    Odikwa egwu!

  3. funmilola

    May 19, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    Lobatan!

  4. Olubunmi

    May 19, 2017 at 3:44 pm

    (smiles) Mrs Kush,this is soo true
    I hardly comment after reading but am doing this now,you just got yourself a fan
    Nice read,keep it up.

  5. cindy

    May 19, 2017 at 3:49 pm

    So true,..you cannot keep a man who doesn’t want to be kept…you can cook from now till tomorrow it won’t change anything…just be yourself.

    • john

      May 19, 2017 at 5:56 pm

      I hope being yourself doesn’t meanan excuse to being an asshole

  6. Tolu4show

    May 19, 2017 at 5:15 pm

    Me I like I to cook international dishes and try new recipes. My boyfriend on the other hand just wants poundo yam and efo.. after all my cooking he says “thanks babe but you know poundo and efo would have been just fine” ??????????????. He can eat poundo morning and night. Nawa

  7. Alterego

    May 19, 2017 at 5:59 pm

    I wasted a lot of my time trying to stereotype people and the outcome of their relationships. #Fail.

    Prior to her wedding, all my best friend could make was a decent cup of tea. One time, she visited her man in London and he proudly called all his friends around to sample her cooking. It was a disaster because the egusi soup was a floating bowl of oil, vegetables and water. Her shame was epic. He soon realised she really couldn’t cook, really hadn’t ever dusted a house before. Her soft hands had never washed clothes before. He went ahead and married her, burnt pots and all, watery egusi soup and all.
    Another friend of mine moved in with her bobo. She is a slaya in the kitchen/home front. Starch and banga and fresh fish, pounded yam and efo riro, peppered snails served atop a steaming bed of Basmati rice, his clothes pressed and hanging at precise angles, various cleaning products standing at attention in the bathrooms. You get the drift. I visited them one time in Port-Harcourt; and because I am a foodie and a sucker of ‘come and eat, food is ready’ my butt was parked on cloud nine. Three months later, he told her he wasn’t ready to settle down and exactly three months later, he told her it was over. You see, he had met the one he would spend the rest of his life with. My friend and I spent a long and agonizing time mulling over what went wrong. Over pizza and wine, endless phone calls….holding her while she sobbed her heart out. She just couldn’t fathom why her several yards of wife material couldn’t have kept that man.
    I have realised that there are no hard and fast rules to this thing called relationship. Nothing will keep a person who doesn’t want to be kept. And nothing you do would ever chase someone away who doesn’t want to go.

    Till today and with nostalgia, I remember the catfish pepper soup I ate in Port-harcourt. None like it!?

  8. Ello Bae

    May 19, 2017 at 7:46 pm

    Mrs Kush…I like you already. I read this article and it was as as if a friend was giving me the latest gist. Can we be gist partners? We will swap gist over Maltina and Catfish peppersoup
    #phgirl #teampressmytoothpastefromthebottom #teamgotootherpeopleshousesandpresstheirtoothpastefromthebottom

  9. myfathersdaughter

    May 19, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    @ Alterego, that catfish pepper soup must have been something!

    • Alterego

      May 19, 2017 at 9:38 pm

      Yes it was. Had bite sized diced plantains in it. Peppery enough to wake up your palette but not fiery enough to induce labour. Just right. It went into my bloodstream and got me all shook. Downed it with a chilled glass of Chapman, which my friend (super chef) made. After that lunch, went to sleep for 5hrs straight. My nerves kept sighing in pleasure.

  10. "changing moniker"

    May 19, 2017 at 8:01 pm

    I like Mrs. Kush.

  11. malaika

    May 20, 2017 at 9:09 am

    wow……love u mrs kush….#ugandan babe

  12. Mauchi

    May 20, 2017 at 10:35 am

    One of the best post I have read in a while. It made alot of sense, but I still love cooking. *☺

  13. Mz Socially Awkward....

    May 21, 2017 at 1:59 am

    This brings back red-faced memories of my girlhood naïveté.

    During my uni days, I used to love just cooking up dishes and having friends from our neighbouring flats stop by for food and inasmuch as I did it because I genuinely enjoyed cooking, I was also equally making sure to put my 100 yards of wifely material out there.

    I remember being in law school, rustling up snacks and nibbles for pals doing our midnight reading marathons, and one of my friends used to always joke that I would cook my way into a man’s heart. Outwardly, I would laugh but inwardly I would preen and feel self-satisfied. My skills were now nicely honed & therefore in time, wifedom would surely be a slam dunk. Select the man, cook for him & get your proposal.

    All rather embarrassing in retrospect but I actually did believe this was a tool that would help to “keep” him. Certain seeds planted in our heads as young girls just remain a part of us until we pause to examine them analytically as adults.

    Still love cooking and it’s now a lot less stressful. Once you subtract the ulterior motive, there’s more room to relax and enjoy it. ? & I’m truly hoping that young girls aren’t still being fed these myths about culinary expertise being required to enter and enjoy successful relationships.

  14. Ope

    June 2, 2017 at 7:10 am

    Apt! Very well said…..Put together nicely

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