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Oluwatosin Arodudu: Men, Ego & The Craving For Respect From Women

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The only thing that a man needs is respect

I hear this popular statement every now and then being used to charge women to be respectful towards their husbands. It is said that the only thing close to the heart of a man, that he needs and craves, is respect. This statement has wreaked a lot of havoc in many homes. It has created a lot of men who have become unapproachable gods their homes, and to the society at large. This statement has positioned some men and pitted them strategically against their wives. It has made them stiff-necked, and like a panther, prowling quietly seeking for ways to accuse their wives and all women, as being disrespectful. It has created lots of men who have become an opposition on their own path of progress. They will not discuss issues with their wives because they see her input or advise to them as a sign of disrespect.

I was having a discussion with a couple… engaged to be married. Whenever this woman chipped in her own idea to our discussion, the man would shut her up and tell her she argues too much. He tells her to keep to quiet and stop arguing. We were having a brainy discourse, and this was his reaction to his intended wife. I watched that scenario play out all through the conversation. The woman is actually like an aunt to me, so I called her aside and told her: “Aunt, you would be making a mistake getting married to this man. He is going to project his self esteem issues on you and crush you. Please give this union a second thought. ”

She ended up calling off their engagement after a while, because she had an epiphany of the kind of prison she would subject herself to, all in the name of respect. Shortly afterwards, she met and married a man who saw her as a partner and celebrated her intelligence rather than crush it.

You can’t say because you are a man, then you disrespect your wife privately and publicly and yet demand absolute respect from her in return. How possible is this? Is she not human? Even if she respects you despite the disrespect you churn out at her, understand that the kind of respect she gives you is coming from a place of bitterness and hatred.

It will take a lot of grace for a woman to keep doling out respect to a man who constantly disrespects her.  That kind of respect if actually given by the woman, despite the disrespect she gets from the man, is toxic and it will attract ill luck.

Dear man what kind of a man are you? Are you a man of honor? How do you treat your wife? Do you know that respect begat respect? The kind of respect you showed her while you both were still in a relationship before marriage that made her so sweet towards you, why has that respect suddenly gone out the window?

Some homes are going through a whole lot of hardship because of this same respect issue that we keep saying is exclusive to men. Decisions which should have been jointly made by the man and the woman becomes the sole decision of the man. He deliberately decides not to seek for his wife’s input, because somewhere in his subconscious he feels if her input ends up to be right, then he would have lost respect in her eyes.

This is so wrong, and a terrible mindset. Sometimes your wife sees what you can’t see. Women are naturally intuitive and have the gift to perceive whatever might go wrong. How can you have such a beautiful gift in the form of your wife and you decide to belittle and treat her condescendingly? Don’t you realize you are short changing yourself and delaying your own advancement in life?

A woman once told me she can’t discuss issues that are ruining their marriage with her husband. The man would be so aggressive, not willing to listen, and she would forget everything she wanted to discuss. I told her to try another method – writing down a list, and agreeing with him on a convenient time for their discussion. She did this, and immediately the discussion started the man flared up and turned everything into a huge fight which ended up in tears for her. According to him, she was being confrontational by writing down a list of what she wanted to discuss with him.

Why are some men so full of ego and so impossible?

In conclusion everybody needs respect.

The man and the woman both deserve respect. It is what you plant in your wife that you will reap in double folds. That is why some women, even if they become scholars, business or company executives in life, would adore their husbands, and show him so much respect in private and in public.

Ask around or ask her why she does this, she would tell you her husband cherishes, respects, adores and supports her.

The only thing a man needs is not respect, a man needs a good heart in him, he needs to be respectful towards his wife. He needs to cherish, support and adore her. He needs to see her as his partner. He needs to seek her input in every decision that concerns their marriage and even some personal decisions. There is no good woman you treat this way that will not treat you even better.

A man and a woman both needs respect so their union can thrive on healthy grounds.

Photo Credit: Tracy Whiteside | Dreamstime.com

Oluwatosin Olajumoke Arodudu is a lawyer, a mediator, a negotiator and an arbitrator. She is a social change advocate and a mental wellness expert. She advocates for women’s rights and children’s rights. She is a publisher and the author of Motherhood and the Society, From the Perspective of the child, Life on the Street of Readlooks, The Deep Blue Sea and her soon to be released book IDENTITY. She blogs at www.oluwatosinarodudu.com

47 Comments

  1. johj

    June 12, 2017 at 5:58 pm

    typical cliche article written by a woman..I will pass

    • gia

      June 12, 2017 at 6:13 pm

      John is it the sluggish bowel that’s making you so grumpy again???!
      CHAI!
      I’ve told you several times to add more fibers to your diet!
      Don’t let the constipation get the best of you!
      lmao!

    • FifiLa

      June 12, 2017 at 9:07 pm

      I love it when idiots play their part…….right on cue

    • Isaidit

      June 12, 2017 at 11:46 pm

      typical African man’s view & reaction to a woman’s point of view! Actually this article is common sense but guess some of our Nigerian men dont have it! That sh*t expensive these days! I wish your future wife luck! I’ll pass! Y’all full of BS half the time! Yasss! I said it , come for me!!!

    • layo

      June 13, 2017 at 1:36 pm

      Typical cliche answer from a misogynist…I will pass

  2. Lala

    June 12, 2017 at 6:02 pm

    God bless you.

  3. pretty

    June 12, 2017 at 6:35 pm

    This is really true. Its disheartening to say that these men are hiding under being bullies and claiming its respect. what is respect in locking your wife inside the house so she doesn’t go out or locking her out of the house. seizing her phones, cars, ATM or preventing her from going to work. There is a lot of sins these “respect’ word covers.

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      June 12, 2017 at 6:49 pm

      Thank you so much for these. Bullying is used interchangeably with respect in the African marriage concept. It’s really sad.

  4. pretty

    June 12, 2017 at 6:38 pm

    This psychological abuse is what the Nigerian culture call respect. Please pardon my grammar above

  5. Paul Adeyemo

    June 12, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    Rubbish article written by unmarriageble feminist.

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      June 12, 2017 at 7:01 pm

      This is so amusing. Calm down ok. Perhaps if you read again you could learn a thing or two that could make you enjoy your marriage should you be married or decide to get married in the future. Or perhaps maybe you are part of those men who believes a woman is not in a position to teach men anything.

    • Bimbo

      June 12, 2017 at 8:29 pm

      Men will never listen to issues laid out in a reasonable manner ! They must maintain the status quo.

    • FifiLa

      June 12, 2017 at 9:09 pm

      Even education can’t save you.

    • Baymax

      June 13, 2017 at 7:31 am

      Hi Tosin,

      No need to respond to John, Paul and Chief. Are you new on BN? Believe me, it’s a waste of time. I’m sure in real life they are spineless chickens or vicious bullies in their homes IF they’re married.

    • XYZ

      June 13, 2017 at 8:18 am

      Mr. Adeyemo, take it easy. You’re trailing an unhealthy part. Breathe!!! You’ll be fine. Okay?

  6. Adeola

    June 12, 2017 at 7:37 pm

    Thank you for this post. I’ve always said this, a man looking for respect should ensure that he is respecting 1) God (as per head of the family) and 2) his partner. As they say, respect is reciprocal. You don’t expect a sensible human being to be at your mercies all for respect when he/she is being treated inhuman. Kole werk! We’ve all got to think on these things – be real with ourselves and acknowledge the truth. This is pure common sense.

    P.S. The way you treat your spouse, is the way your seeds (children) will treat others. In order to make the world better, it starts with YOU.

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      June 12, 2017 at 8:00 pm

      Thank you so much. It starts with you, so true.

    • Ifeanyi Mgbenka

      June 13, 2017 at 5:40 am

      I agree totally with you.

  7. OY

    June 12, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    Just a silly loop sided article without an iota of objectivity. Two parties presented side by side, one at its worst the other at its best. what point is this piece of thrash supposed to achieve?

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      June 12, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      Objectivity is not something to be considered when it comes to the inhumane treatment meted out to women in the Nigerian context in the name of tradition and culture. These are some women’s reality, and it’s just a tip of the iceberg compared to some other women’s story. Before we begin to start being objective as regards building a better society for everyone, the men who get angry when some of these things are exposed, have to come to terms with them and stop living in denial. Only then can we in all honesty begin to become objective when we discuss issues like this.

    • Sisioge

      June 12, 2017 at 8:07 pm

      Trash: something to be discarded.
      Thrash: to beat/hit something.
      You’re welcome.

  8. Lliki

    June 12, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    Most BN females are angry, lonely, sad and ugly inside! All they write/talk about is how men are bad and evil, please, when will you angry ladies change topic?!

    Yeah, I’m a woman but, a happy one who believe in equity and I treat you the way you treat me not minding the gender of the person.
    Evil is gender blind, the earlier you ladies stop these your lying one sided articles, the better for us all.

    • Lliki

      June 12, 2017 at 8:03 pm

      As usual BN, my comment is always awaiting moderation! If you guys like eat late dinner with it. I hate this your style of political correctness blogging.

    • Baymax

      June 13, 2017 at 7:33 am

      Since you’re so wise, please write your own article.

      Your comment do not surprise me. Afterall, the Umunna that subject widows to horrible treatment are all women.

    • XYZ

      June 13, 2017 at 10:35 am

      Madam, are you okay? Take it easy. Thank God this is not your reality. But that doesn’t mean people are not experiencing it.

  9. didi

    June 12, 2017 at 8:19 pm

    Just seeing comments and I know that Men will never face d fact. Anyway I pray ur daughters/sisters n female cousins, (present and future) all marry the kind of men the writer is talking about n come crying to u everyday

  10. Chief

    June 12, 2017 at 8:49 pm

    What a load of claptrap.This article shows how delusional and hate filled feminists are.I find it sad and disheartening to read an article like this.First of all,why would a real man need a woman to stroke his ego,that’s so simp.What women don’t understand is that men don’t believe they need to earn respect.we feel it is owed to us.We need to be respected.A man can’t survive without being respected.It’s important that a good woman should learn to give her man unconditional respect.We need respect to feel safe to open up.

    The ultimate ego boost of a man’s life is respect.Your respect for men comes from the fact that they have spent a considerable chunk of their lives providing for you,sacrificing for you and making you the woman you are.We men deserve praise and respect.In fact every men deserves respect irrespective of their age.Men are entitled to a great respect at the hands of women but seriously,who planted this notion into female mindset that respect is earned?It’s a huge shame that many women have bought this worldly idea that “respect is earned.””smh!

    Let’s be honest women are no longer really women.Not only they are lacking in cooking,cleaning and nurturing skills.Women of today no longer behaves like women.They no longer talk like women.Once upon a time women had no choice but to do as they were told.I have heard real men complain about women of this generation.Western Culture,modernity and feminism are threats to manhood.

    • FifiLa

      June 12, 2017 at 9:11 pm

      Please apologize for wasting our time!

    • susu

      June 12, 2017 at 11:39 pm

      Dear God, may chief and his likes never spot me! we are seriously in trouble. your comment alone says a lot about the tragic mindset of a lot of Nigerian men. It is well! Funny enough, i have even stopped considering this thing called marriage. I cannot come and die. It now looks like a TRAP!

    • Baymax

      June 13, 2017 at 7:35 am

      “Your respect for men comes from the fact that they have spent a considerable chunk of their lives providing for you,sacrificing for you and making you the woman you are”

      Men who do the above deserve respect. Men who DO NOT do the above don’t. Hope you are agree with that.

      PS: The statement above is your own by the way

    • l

      June 15, 2017 at 6:53 am

      U sound like boko haram. 1 peter 3:7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with *RESPECT* as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

  11. FifiLa

    June 12, 2017 at 9:18 pm

    No surprises that some men have chosen to lash out instead of fully understanding the biggest issue facing women in marriages.
    You lack the ability to discuss and debate difficult issues. Your victim mentality does not make this article any less credible.
    If your constitution is too weak to address such topics/forces you to do some self introspection, sit it out. Your fragile ego is better suited for less challenging topics.

  12. OY

    June 12, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    Madam, I still maintain that your article lacks objectivity and the merit to address a topic like this. “it is what you plant in your wife that you will reap in double fold”, therefore all marital problems are the man’S fault and all women are saints right? What of what she has been planting in herself all her life b4 you met her? they suddenly disappear? What of women who will never respect their husbands? Are they mere figments of the imagination? I guess u never met one in your life…..

    A balanced view of issues will go a long way in increasing receptivity among your audience. if your aim is to address an ill, A man bashing piece like this isn’t how u get it done.

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      June 12, 2017 at 10:08 pm

      Thank you so much. However men who have an issue with women speaking out against societal ills would always get angry no matter how objective you get. I am saying this from experience. The problem is not objectivity, the problem is the fact that women are speaking out against societal and marital ill treatment.

  13. Rampage

    June 12, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    And that is how our society is going into new disarray. Men don’t know they are supposed to provide strength and emotional release to women. Women don’t know they are supposed to provide nurturing and respect to men.

    • Ifeanyi Mgbenka

      June 13, 2017 at 6:02 am

      This is deep.

    • Venus

      June 13, 2017 at 10:10 am

      None sense. Nobody is meant to provide anything for anyone. If I can take care of the bills as a woman, that’s my role. If a man can do the rest, that is his role.
      This pitching of what men should and shouldn’t do is the problem.
      We have to start recognizing individual strength and weakness. That is where the problem lies in.

  14. Dk

    June 12, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    I was just screaming preach it while reading your article, this was so my life few months back, some men become so aggressive and controlling under the guise of demanding respect. Please learn to treat your woman with the same respect you require of her. It’s just about being a good human being.

  15. Nikki

    June 12, 2017 at 10:20 pm

    Please where’s the ‘love’ button for this article. I couldn’t have conveyed this any better. Thank you!!

  16. Lost in transit

    June 12, 2017 at 11:11 pm

    The article tried to portray some good points but is too one sided to land its intended good points.

    “The only thing a man needs is not respect, a man needs a good heart in him, he needs to be respectful towards his wife. He needs to cherish, support and adore her. He needs to see her as his partner. He needs to seek her input in every decision that concerns their marriage and even some personal decisions. There is no good woman you treat this way that will not treat you even better.”

    The last statement is based on an assumption. What about the woman’s upbringing, experiences and personality. As I said good points but too one sided and lacks much depth.

  17. Isaidit

    June 12, 2017 at 11:59 pm

    eeyah! who hurt you Boo @ chief & the other men!! None of the chicks you’ve asked out have said yes I guess! Pathetic, sad men who have refused to learn a thing or 2! hahaha! have met yall’s type , hahahah! their end is rather sad….they exit this world terribly lonely (know at least uo to 3 men who did not treat their wives with respect at all, kai their end, y’all dont wanna know! Its a 2 way street oh, men & women should treat each other with respect. Dont think this marriage thing is a joke oh! you make a covenant before man & God especially & you think breaking & not acting right within that covenant will bring you peace in life! hahahahahaha! Go figure! God is no fool!!

    This article is very balanced, even the conclusion is apt ‘In conclusion everybody needs respect.’, it says ‘EVERYBODY’ its 2 sided, but I guess some brain cells be dead it can’t comprehend! To the men that choose to respect their wives well done, check it, they end up so well in their life, as opposed to the ‘what a load of claptrap type of men! And to the women steady loving & respecting their men, y’all ROCK too!!

    • We

      June 14, 2017 at 12:05 am

      For some one who is talking about respect for every one, your comment doesn’t show much respect for an opposing opinion. State your opinion without insults.

  18. isaidit

    June 13, 2017 at 12:12 am

    eeyah! who hurt you Boo @ chief & them them boys (not men) up there! This article is straight up for the Real Men, not BOYS!

    Sad boys who have refused to learn a thing or 2! hahaha! have met yall’s type , hahahah! their end is rather sad….they exit this world terribly lonely! I know at least 2 or 3 of them that so disrespected their wives & their entire being that even a child would smell the coffee! And their end? darn! y’all dont wanna know! The burden is on men if you care to know because y’all the leaders and leaders must lead by example! As the head of your home, you set the tone, a positive, respectful one and the rest follow straight up! You dont sow seeds of discord, disrespect, anger & still be puffing as a man…like really? We forget that we are gifts to each other (in marriage), under a covenant to love, cherish, nurture etc, what do you expect when one of you starts disrespecting the other? for God to be in it? Jokers! Go figure, God aint no fool!

    This article is very balanced, even the conclusion is apt ‘In conclusion everybody needs respect.’, it says ‘EVERYBODY’ its 2 sided, but I guess some brain cells be dead it can’t comprehend! To the men that choose to respect their wives well done, check it, they end up so well in their life, as opposed to the ‘what a load of claptrap type of boys! And to the women steady loving & respecting their men, y’all ROCK TOO!!

  19. Ifeanyi Mgbenka

    June 13, 2017 at 5:56 am

    God bless you Tosin. I have always been a strong advocate of respect being reciprocal, friendship/relationships being 50-50. Men are wired differently but one thing that we should all have in common is the genuine love for God and for our partners. If you don’t love God, how then can you love your partner?

    It is also true that some women tend to abuse this respect given to them sometimes but I’ll rather keep showing her love and the Christlikeness in me. In the end, no matter how long it takes, she eventually comes around and naturally makes up for that lost connection time.

    I love, cherish, adore and respect my partner. We are partners and in doing this and treating her like a queen both publicly and privately, the change in her has become phenomenal. Love sometimes is not enough so I always ask for grace to be more patient, tolerant and respectful towards my partner. Women aren’t as difficult as we see them…. They just need to be loved and respected rightly.

    It is what you sow into the relationship that you’ll reap, it’s usually bountiful too.
    So Before you rebuke her again, please ask yourself “What am I bringing into this relationship?”

    I remain a strong advocate of mutual respect and Yes I am a man, a proud one at that and also has the best woman in the world.

    Again, thank you Tosin.

    God bless us.

  20. Dee

    June 13, 2017 at 9:56 am

    Thank you Oluwatosin!
    “The man and the woman both deserve respect.” that’s all.

  21. Oluwatosin Arodudu

    June 13, 2017 at 11:48 am

    Thank you so much for this. I am so elated that men like you can see the other side of this article. And from what you wrote here, trust me you are only just beginning to see the beauty in your wife manifest, you are so going to live a peaceable life with what you invest in your relationship with her. God bless you so much.

  22. l

    June 15, 2017 at 1:13 am

    Oluwatosin Arodudu, thanks for this article. No matter how eager i am to get married, do u know i will not settle for any of these idiots? Their brains are locked, u can see that education has been wasted on most of these naija men.

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