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Aunty Bella: Miss. Had Sex with a Married Man to Stay in School

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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I went against every principle I hold myself to. For 23 years I had life easy…until my dad died in April. Saying it’s been hard is a raging understatement. But I had been managing fine. Then bills came and kept coming, and while mum and I worked harder to meet up, they kept coming. The last one that broke the camel’s back would lead to me dropping out of the university and I’m in my final semester. I had a whooping bill of 150,000 naira. I sold my phone, did cleaning jobs, to try meet up and got a total of 57000 naira, (with money mum raised). I was happy. Kept cleaning but there were fewer jobs and I was fast approaching the deadline. So I started to solicit for funds on social media. No help was forthcoming.

Then a certain married man who was interested in me 3 years back sent a message to me. I had refused his advances in the past, rudely, telling him I dont date married men. He was interested in news about my dad, expressed his condolences and asked to see me. I knew it was a temptation, I just knew.

You see, that day was a Saturday, deadline for fees was wednesday. So I went to see him and told him of my worries. He promised to help with the remaining fee. I, however, had to pay a price. He was still interested in me. I left that day telling myself I would rather be a drop out, but then I remembered my dad selling his car and the plenty sacrifices my mum went through to see me through school. So I went back on a Monday and I slept with him.

I have not been able to forgive myself and he still didn’t give me the money because he didn’t enjoy my behaviour. He said I acted like he raped me. So I am officially out of school, but that is the least of my worries. I am depressed and unable to eat or talk, in a sudden catatonic state. I have no friends and no boyfriend and my mum, who is my best friend, I can’t tell. So I am sharing this burden with you, in hopes that I will feel light.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Andrii Kobryn

51 Comments

  1. Aisha

    July 15, 2017 at 12:39 pm

    I’m so sorry you went through this and may God heal you and see you through your challenging times.
    May your predator not have any happy moments in this life and the next for taking undue advantage of your situation, amin.

    • Momoh Omono

      October 26, 2017 at 2:04 am

      All is not lost. You can still go back to school if you have the fees to pay since it was not the institution that asked you to withdraw. I know this for sure because I work in one. Write to the school explaining your situation and how you left. That you should be allowed on COMPASSIONATE ground to come back to complete your studies. Write through your HoD to the Registrar and/or VC. Nothing is impossible. Those in authority are humans too. I have seen many cases like this where a student lost a parent/sponsor and the student was allowed to come back and complete his studies. Good luck.

  2. misskay

    July 15, 2017 at 12:40 pm

    you need to forgive yourself… your story will be heard around the world someday be of good cheer. is there a way to contact the poster?

    • Dr.N

      July 16, 2017 at 6:24 pm

      I think this comment may be misread
      The story of your success will be read all over the world not this story (hope I got that right)

  3. Enn

    July 15, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    U obviously feel awful and know what you did was wrong…U have to seek God’s forgiveness and forgive yourself else u won’t be able to move on, cut off all communication from that useless man. Go to God with a open heart and let Him take it from there.I hope this helps.

  4. Mawi

    July 15, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    No advise you get here (or from anyone) will change the past. The deed has been done. You need to move on and start by forgiving yourself. It’s easier said than done. It’s a process, but u need to start. If you are religious, cry to your maker and seek forgiveness. Make up your mind not to repeat such a mistake. I’m glad he didn’t give u the money, else u probably would have continued with this lifestyle.
    As for your financial troubles, I’m sorry u have to go through such a rough time. But I encourage u to keep searching and trying for jobs no matter how little. Save enough and go back to school. Thank God u only have a year left. But first, u need to get out of this bad place u are at emotionally. When ur mind is right, nothing is far from achievable.
    *always remember, we all have sinned. No sin is worse than the other in the eyes of God. Forgive yourself and strive to be better and wiser*

    • Mawi

      July 15, 2017 at 12:49 pm

      **advice

  5. Oluwadunsin

    July 15, 2017 at 12:55 pm

    Babe, everything you’re going through is but for a little while. Instead of wallowing in the present, look into the future. Tell yourself you know you’ll be great, and this situation wouldn’t last for too long. Now, fall on your knees, cry your eyes out and talk to the only one who listens -God. You’ll get strength, believe me.

  6. doreen

    July 15, 2017 at 1:05 pm

    U shldnt dwell on past mistakes…yes…itz hurtful…yes…u cant stop thinking about it….but the best experience in life is dat u will fall but u dont just rise back up and stand…u jump back up and fight…kip on moving… U can kip it to urself…dont give ur mother heartache by telling her dis…she wld be broken…she wld be thinking all her work wasnt enough…soo just forget it…its in d past..instead jump back.again…apply for skul again..keep urself and ur mom happy…get a job…be self content…u r starting afresh..dont look at others…look at ur future…cuz evri1 has their problems u dont know…also be prayful..prayer works in mysterious ways…be strong..

  7. Simon

    July 15, 2017 at 1:06 pm

    Life is not a bed of roses and know body is above mistake.try to forget that and remember life is lesson the more you live the more you learn ok

  8. Just an Simple Girl

    July 15, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    this message is for any other girl in a similar situation who has not yet had sex with a man to stay in school! ‘School’ does not guarantee a better life in the FUTURE. Dropping out of school now doesn’t mean you cannot go back or become recognised by a school later in the FUTURE. Please do not fall victim to thinking that sleeping with any man married or unmarried to stay in school can be justified ALWAYS THINK ABOUT THE BIGGER PICTURE.

  9. Barbara

    July 15, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    omg! God will do whatever he pleases with that man. But does that mean there is no option? I wish I can assist you with something that can maybe make a difference. I had this exact challenge in my final year but my friends all donated at the nick of time and I always wished I could help someone in a similar situation. I really want to help. Please send me an email if you please [email protected]

    • Randommer

      July 15, 2017 at 2:04 pm

      Ibukun is that you?!

    • inky

      July 15, 2017 at 2:24 pm

      @ Barbara good morning! My email is [email protected] if this young lady reply we can do something together. I am a mother of a 19 yrs and three year old daughters and would not such to be fall them. I am from one of the island in the caribbean. But, currently living in Tdot, Let us come together and do our best to assist our sister in need.

  10. Zizi

    July 15, 2017 at 1:20 pm

    I might not understand how you feel but i want you to go easy on yourself. Life is cruel but i know you have awesomeness ahead of you so stop beating yourself up.

    Things would get better in the end and this would just be a bad experience. So sorry you had to go through this. You might not have anything but you have God and he is all you need.

    [email protected], in case you need someone to a friend to talk to.

  11. Ibukun's defender

    July 15, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    Randommer, What if it is? Your aim is to embarrass someone who might be hurting a lot already. right? People like you are quite despicable. Instead of helping or encouraging someone you know who’s in a tight situation you don’t. Then you read a story, think it might be them and try to humiliate them publicly. You’re a disgrace

  12. Weezy

    July 15, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    That man is sick in the head. He knew you were vulnerable, took advantage of you, then refused to honor his end of the bargain. I don’t think you should blame yourself here. You did what you had to. Its too bad it was with a predator.

    • Sarah

      July 15, 2017 at 8:05 pm

      BN don chop my comment!

      She is an adult and solely responsible for her actions. She was not kidnapped, but walked to the man herself with hope of getting cash for sex. The motivation for sleeping with a married man, does not detract from the fact that she committed a sin with her eyes open.

      The writer should ask God for forgiveness and forgive herself. There are other legal businesses to raise money, besides she can stop schooling to raise money, without losing focus on her educational goals. There are female Christian mentors out there, who are always driving home the need for women to respect their bodies and live a life of purpose. She can seek help from them for guidance.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      July 16, 2017 at 2:40 am

      @Sarah, You know the story of the “prostitute” that was brought to Jesus and Jesus stooped down and said he who is without sin let him cast the first stone. Yes, that comment was directed towards responses like yours.

      1) Many of us forget we are ALL products of grace. I have been saying it a lot in my inner circle that empathy is something the majority lack, and your response reflects a lack of empathy. First the author clearly sees and acknowledges the errors of her decision. She never tried to place blame on the dude, although it is clear he did take advantage of her vulnerability. She owned up to it, hence the depression. She does not need you or I adding to that feeling of guilt.

      2) Like a friend always tells me, it is easy for everyone to try to play Dr. when they are not the one sick. It is easy for you to sit on your high horse and tell her, she should drop out of school to focus on work and then return to school. Like it is that easy, even those that got first degree and decide to work before going back. Know it is not easy and that is in developed Countries. Not to mention Nigeria. Even with a degree getting jobs is difficult not to mention someone society will label “a drop out”. You think mentors are that easy to come across or get in touch with? Golly!!! Again your response shows a serious lack of empathy.

      Note: Even if you were trying to respond to Weezy’s statement on the “man”, your approach only attacked the original author and did nothing in addressing or stating your thoughts on Weezy’s argument, that is, despite the author going there of own free will, a mistake she has rightly acknowledge and taking responsibility for, it does not negate the fact that the dude took advantage of her circumstances (that is bad enough) but did not even keep his side of the bargain, it is what we refer to as “chop, clean mouth” and that is sickening. So Weezy’s point still remains valid.

      As for the lady, I am sorry that you had to go through so much hardship. . I am sorry that you saw no other way out other than to give up your self to someone who is less deserving of you. I am sorry for the guilt you have dealt with as a repercussion of a bad decision that stemmed from circumstances that were beyond your control. Like people have rightly said, the deed is done. All you can do is fight back, you fight back by forgiving yourself, dusting yourself off and moving on. You fight back by ensuring that you work on completing that degree. I would suggest seeing a good therapist even if it is one with a government hospital.

      Note however, that God’s purpose for your life supersedes a mistake. His grace is more than enough to cover any and all of them. Do not let anyone make you feel otherwise,we have all sinned and falling short of God’s glory, God is not in the business of rating sins/mistakes. It is us humans that engage in such none sense. You are more than this single action, you are more than your mistakes and that includes past, present and future.

  13. Chi

    July 15, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    Ask God for forgiveness and then truly accept his mercy and forgiveness. This is how the devil works he plays with your mind to enter into sin and then makes you vulnerable to more sinning by condenmation and guilt. Gain back the upper hand by forgiving yourself truly accepting God forgiveness(beating yourself up/feeling guilty or miserable does not make God forgive you faster or more or quicker…Once you ask its done.Don’t waste valuable time in misery) and then creating a plan and vision for your life. If it’s not to late to finish for next semester I hope Bellanaija Post’s your account details…Will be more than happy to help.
    Cheers,
    Chioma

  14. M

    July 15, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    What’s the phone number or best email to reach bellanaija? I’d like to help.

  15. Enny Heart Heart

    July 15, 2017 at 4:08 pm

    Babe tell your mom, your friend, someone! I’m sure if you threatened to post his pics on sm or tell his wife or someone, something idk will give.
    It’s not fair you have to suffer feeling like this on your own. It’s just not fair! And him, he took advantage of you. He shouldn’t get away with this, it’s just not right. You need to toughen up and deal with this. I know people will judge you, blame you, resent you, tell you to pray, forgive yourself, forget it and move on etc, and maybe you should. But if this is what my daughter is going through I would love to know and help her heal, and make that man pay!

    You made a mistake, we all make mistakes. But what’s done is done and cannot be erased.

  16. M

    July 15, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Please, if she’s for real Bella, respond to my email. People are really suffering in Nigeria, wow!

  17. Lily

    July 15, 2017 at 5:45 pm

    Sex is just 10mins of physical activity. Think of it as a work out. No big deal. Please stop giving yourself a headache. If you slept with your boyfriend won’t you still be broke?

    You can get 150k in 2days, if you know how to play your cards right. Go to cityoflove.com and open a free account.

    Don’t use your real photos. Get a separate phone number. Wait for calls. Some of these men just want someone to talk to and they will give you 50k just to listen. Be discreet. Be happy. Enjoy the sex even. Pay your fees. Get your degree. Delete your account.

    If you are ever broke again, you know what to do. Thank me later.

    • Chioma

      July 16, 2017 at 4:33 pm

      Please do not in anyway listen to this person’s advice. Sex is not just a ‘physical activity,’ the are consequences including incurable STDs and unwanted pregnancies. You made a mistake.. repent, ask God for forgiveness, then forgive yourself. Don’t add more misery to your life by prostitutining yourself which is what this person is suggesting. You are way better and more capable than that.

  18. SammieJ

    July 15, 2017 at 5:55 pm

    Thank you all for your kind words. @misskay you can reach me via this address [email protected], @Enny heart heart, I swear I itch to tell my mom, but the disappointment on her face would kill me. Thank you so much though

    • Chi

      July 15, 2017 at 8:31 pm

      At Bellanaija, please confirm that this is the original poster’s email address. Thanks

    • Californiabawlar

      July 15, 2017 at 9:12 pm

      Please email them as well. If you have any money left over, please look for a way to start a business. A degree is even useless these days. With all you’ve been through, I’d hate to see you in a bind after graduation. All the best dear! Hugs ?

    • Anony

      July 19, 2017 at 2:46 pm

      Y’all make sure you confirm this is the right person before you give them anything….

  19. Monalisa

    July 15, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    I am so sorry you had to go through all that. I can only imagine how you feel but you know what? Shit happens and I want you to pick yourself up and move on. We all have our own stories and I pray you find a way to get through this. Life isn’t easy but I believe God will see you through. Enough of the guilt feeling pls

  20. Sarah

    July 15, 2017 at 7:31 pm

    Nobody should blame the man, because na she carry her legs waka to him, at least I didn’t read that the man kidnapped her.

    I can’t stand many ladies who justify sleeping with married men due their plights. She is not a victim, but an adult who knew the man was married, nonetheless was happy to sleep with the man, for some cash. Probably, she was hoping to become his side chick for regular financial support. While I was studying, I made money from braiding hair and there were other mates of mine who got involved in legal businesses too. We held on to the word of God, and thank God for where we are today. I will implore you to ask God for forgiveness because you sinned with your eyes open. Also, you need to forgive yourself. You can take a break from school if need be to raise some money, while focusing on the goal of completing your education at some point. Seek female mentors like Sis Jumoke Adenowo, or some other credible person who are happy to work with you in achieving your educational goals.

    • Yellow sun

      July 17, 2017 at 9:30 am

      Aunty abeg lemme hear word
      …jumoke adenowo is her neighbour abi
      Be realistic abeg,like it’s easy to watch your mates graduate whilst ure stuck ..
      Until shit happens to u.abeg don’t judge people

    • Anon

      July 18, 2017 at 8:41 am

      Not only is your comment unrealistic and judgmental, It lacks intelligence on all levels. Unless you know the Jumoke whatever and you are going to connect this lady with her, biko, just carry your mumu judgment and fly away from here.

    • Smh

      July 18, 2017 at 10:11 am

      Shut up. “Nobody should blame the man” does that make sense to you? A married man actively trying to cheat on his wife for over 3 years. Then happens to conveniently pop up again when her father died knowing full well she was vulnerable and in need of help. Is that predatory or not ? Please grow up and use your brain. Sense fall on you.

  21. Yellow sun

    July 15, 2017 at 8:25 pm

    Koni dafun man yen…cruel purson!
    Dear poster,There’s nothing new under the sun..we all have one dirty silly thing we did in the past
    Pls move forward in positivity and I pray by God..u will find immeasurable favour…
    Sending plenty hugs he way…pele luv

  22. Heart baby

    July 15, 2017 at 9:13 pm

    Your story brings back so much bad memories. I lost my dad when I was 5 years old and my mum when I was 15. I went through hell and back. I worked really hard and got into Uni and due to hardship, I met and got married at 21 to my boyfriend who saw me through school. I left the marriage with my kids because of domestic violence and the realisation that I had married for the wrong reasons.
    Please pray, be patient and positive, and all will be well.. Remember, weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (psalm30:5). Also, forgive yourself and don’t mention this to your mum, it will break her.

    • bea

      July 17, 2017 at 1:20 pm

      Thanks for sharing your story. I feel you and pray God heals you and help you find peace.

  23. Passingby

    July 15, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    I’m gonna tell you the truth
    1. He did not rape you
    2. You can not compare the sacrifices your parents went through to get you so far, to what you decided to do. What you did was selfish. If you were not thinking of your own dignity, did you stop to think of the wife?

    consider the following
    1. You are alive and well
    2. You have a mother
    3. You have proven to yourself you can earn a living

    I just need to ask you, : are you heart broken because he did not give you the money or because you truly regret your actions? would you take the money if he offers it to you ? True reflection that we learn meaningful lessons from entails digging deep and asking ourselves real hard questions. In other words you got to examine your conscience. It is your conscience that is judging you. The only way you can find peace, forgive yourself and move on is by pacifying your judging conscience. It’s only by being truthful to yourself that you would forgive yourself and move on.
    Harsh but the plain truth my dear.

    • Dr.N

      July 16, 2017 at 6:29 pm

      These promises men make to get you into bed
      My friend was sent a girl to work as a Nanny. Unfortunately she tested positive for HIV. She had slept with an old man in the village to pay for her JAMB or WAEC (Not sure which). And he still did not pay.
      Even the Nanny job she did not get.
      Poster, what is the way forward? What skills do you have? Can you earn a living? You can go back to school later. What’s done is done. Godly remorse leads to repentance not depression.
      Get up and move on

    • Smh

      July 18, 2017 at 10:14 am

      Who said he raped her ? I love how you managed to make sure you placed no single iota of blame on the wife but you’re asking “did you not think of the wife”. Some of you have some serious issues. You didn’t say anything meaningful or useful in this rubbish you typed up. Next time save your rubbish comment for yourself .

    • Smh

      July 18, 2017 at 10:15 am

      *no single iot of blame of the stupid cheating predatory man

  24. June

    July 15, 2017 at 9:56 pm

    I am sorry for what you have had to go through. It easier said than done to actually forgive yourself, keep praying and talk to GOD. He knows you . He will give you peace and make this part of your great testimony .

  25. Bee

    July 15, 2017 at 11:05 pm

    @passingby ur own dey ur body..is that all u can say to insult the poster my friend go and sit down one place nonsense…

    • Bokun

      July 15, 2017 at 11:33 pm

      Please were is the insult in what @passingby wrote. The truth is painful. I don’t understand this new Nigerian attitude, this money above everything attitude. Please it needs to stop. Young lady he was wrong and you were wrong. The both of you have sinned. He had a need, you sef had a need and the both of you jammed. There is no need crying over spilt milk. I suggest you dust yourself off, take good advice not patronising nonsense. You said you made 5000 from your own sweat. That money you made would give you more peace, satisfaction than any ill gain money. Forget all the instafame things, face bookers they are all lies. Nigerians are as fake as nollywood movies.go and do your cleaning job, you will find redemption there. Just be strong, resist the devil , God will not forsake you.

  26. Fred

    July 15, 2017 at 11:29 pm

    Would be happy to help the poster pay her school fees if this is still possible. It would be really unfortunate if you had to dropout on your last semester just because of lack of funds.

  27. tunmi

    July 16, 2017 at 12:12 am

    What you did was not selfish. You were in a bind that I would not wish on anyone. You made a decision that did not pan out. It sucks. Immensely.

    But it happened so learn from it.

    1. Know yourself. And know yourself well. It sounded like you were under pressure. Pressure from your parents’ contributions and from yourself. Know what you will and won’t compromise on

    2. This is a business lesson. Protect yourself. Get it in writing. Get half upfront. Whatever it is, protect yourself.

    3. Forgive yourself.

    4. Do something else. You can come back to school. But for now, go learn something else other than the four walls of a classroom. Whether it’s working part time or full time or volunteering, do something different.

  28. Kina

    July 16, 2017 at 7:02 am

    Humm the one thing I have learnt in life is that the best advise is the kind that is not sugar coated. The kind that will revoke self pity and invoke anger. Self pity helps you wallow in the past, unable to move on and the assurance that you will make the same mistake again. When you get angry it helps you readjust and realign your thinking. I have learnt that there is no short cut to success In life .Taking short cuts is a quick way to trouble. The money you are making on your own may seem slow in coming in but it is your life line to a better FURTURE with no regrets. The other line that has been dangled in front of you is a dead end to the land of regrets. To be quite clear you were not forced, it was a decision you made. It was not a life or death decision. Leave the man to God, face your own life and sort it out.

  29. Queen

    July 16, 2017 at 2:32 pm

    Sweet heart, don’t give up on your self or life, you don’t know how much God loves you even with all that has happened. You need to forgive yourself and let it go, because my dear God has forgiven you. Just cry out to God and let him comfort and heal you. Just focus on God and making your life better. And watch Him surprise you.

  30. Jane

    July 17, 2017 at 1:36 am

    From previous comments, there are ppl willingly to help you pay the fees . Please find out from your school if anything can be done .. so thay you can go back and conclude ( since you did not drop out because of low grades , perhaps the school would reconsider, go with ur mom to ask ). Secondly, people make mistakes in life and even the ones judging you here cannot swear that they have not made one mistake or the other.
    Please forgive yourself, most importantly ask God to forgive you and learn from your mistake. This has taught you the hard times and what people put there are like. You would still come across many deceitful men and women, so you have to learn how to handle them and always trust God. Know this, until you fail within you, God can never fail you.
    So keep your head up dear and have the last laugh at life’s hurdles.

  31. KB

    July 17, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Well there are things we should know in life, whatever decision you make has good or bad consequences. i have made some terrible decisions in life that i will not beat myself over because i was fully aware of the consequences. girl you are no longer a kid so you gotta courage up and fight life battles. we all have battles to fight, some have smaller ones some have bigger ones. I grew up in an environment where 90% of the kids fend for themselves, paid their own fees and put food on their own table. I was not from a rich home at all but i was privileged to have a father that took up responsibilities. All i am saying is Forgive yourself because God has, don’t let the devil keep lying to you, if you have asked God for forgiveness darling you are free. Instead of beating and wallowing in pity brave up and don’t get defeated, I am glad we have people with beautiful heart here to help and assist you financially but don’t bank on peoples assistance you might not get it all the time , and those times you don’t get it what is the plan. There are many skills you can pick up , darling i am 25, i got a fairly paid job and i am learning a skill alongside always have a back up plan. Believe in God and work through life its a journey so you have to find your own path and never let this MEN lie to you again. if he cares about you, he will help you without asking for sex that’s the truth most young girls fail to acknowledge. I wish you all the best life has to offer. Brave up girrrrrrl.

  32. Rose

    August 18, 2017 at 9:29 pm

    Bellanainja is this person still in need? I will like 2 help

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