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Iniobong Umoh: The Brostitute

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The brostitute is male and human. He has a very high level of sexual libido. Unlike his female counterpart, the brostitute is not in the game for money, but for pleasure. He derives satisfaction and fulfillment in sleeping with as many women as possible throughout his lifetime.

The brostitute views the female gender as a tool for sexual pleasure. When he looks at a woman, all he is doing is analyzing her physical features to ascertain if she fits into his criteria for sex. No matter how talented, brilliant, extraordinary, a woman is, or the position she occupies in the workplace, society etc, the brostitute only sees her as a possible sex partner.

A woman may be well dressed but when he looks at her, he is undressing her with his eyes. Because of his high sexual drive, the brostitude cannot be platonic friends with any woman. He might approach her at the initial stage from the platonic angle. but he will always bring up the sexual angle as soon as he can.

He pursues women of all races, shapes, sizes, and features, the only women exempted from his pursuit are the female members of his nuclear family.

The brostitute is a focused and determined man. He will not relent until he achieves his goal of adding the lady to his body count. He comes up with different strategies and executes them with precision. He is very patient. He will plot silently for months and even years. He won’t spare anything in the chase. He commits all his resources; financial, mental, time, emotion, and everything to get the woman that he wants.

He will not take “No” for an answer. He will fake love, fake meekness, he will turn over a new leaf, he will stalk the lady, he would even convert to her religion and worship with her at her worship place just to get her to say ‘Yes’ to his advances. When she finally succumbs and gives him what he wants, he will disappear from her life and move on to stalk the next game.

Because of his nature, the brostitute cannot hold a stable relationship. No woman can tie him down. No woman should say ‘No’ to him, he is a gift to the female folks and must sample as many of them as possible before he dies.

Religion does not change the brostitute. He might claim to be born again, but the brostitution genes will always manifest. Right inside the church, the brostitute will carry on his activities effortlessly. He might even start a church with the sole purpose of having sexual liaisons with the female members most especially the choristers and ushers.

Marriage does not tame the brostitute. In fact, it is the perfect cover for his activities. He marries for the purpose of rearing children and attaining the status of respectability that society confers on married folks. He hides under the cloak of marriage to carry on his activities unhindered. He might be married to one wife, but has tens and hundreds of side-chicks, mistresses, and concubines at different locations.

Fidelity is a strange word to his ears, faithfulness is an impossible task, he can never be faithful to his wife when there are millions of women out there waiting to be conquered.

The brostitute is incapable of reflection and self-examination, he simply cannot control his urges.

There is a drop of brostitution in every man. It is up to a man to deal with it in the best way he can. Some men are successful in controlling it, and it becomes dormant and dies off, some others struggle with it throughout their lives, while some others simply give in and go with the flow.

There is no scientific cure for brostitution. A spirit filled deliverance session in worship centers won’t do the trick, neither would an exorcism in a voodoo shrine in the dead of the night cure it. The only practical cure for brostitution is to cut off the sexual organ of the brostitute and pluck off his eyes and then the genes of brostitution will be gone with the wind.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | © Olena Yakobchuk

Iniobong Umoh is a multi-contextual writer, story teller and brand content creator. He writes with a touch of humour, satire and reality.Email: [email protected] IG: @ini_leroi Twitter: @iniobong_

16 Comments

  1. Moniker

    July 12, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    Lol. A new word added to my vocab

  2. Si

    July 12, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    Sounds like what Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother would say.

  3. Dr.N

    July 12, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    The cutting off of genitalia should not be taken literally pls. In case anyone with dysmorphia or something reads this
    There is psychotherapy for d irreligious
    For Christians many have found Christian counselling to help
    If u refuse to get help pls EPP us to use CONDOM pls. Thank you very much as u need this advice???

  4. Zee

    July 12, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    This article rubbed me off some kind of way. Brostitue.. Hmmm … Well since a man wrote it, let them feast on it, but brostitute has a nice ring to it, considering that to some people every girl is a ho. Its nice to put a name to whoring men. Thanks

    • Seriouslu

      July 13, 2017 at 3:45 pm

      I know it’s sarcasm and this will boost some men’s ego.
      Society accept man whorism more but a woman is judged easily. In all angles, ain’t nothing cool/fun about being a h*e.
      Quick gratification is bondage.

  5. Victory belongs to Jesus

    July 12, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    This is funny. On a serious note, the only practical solution is deliverance and fully submitting to God. Yes, I’m going to bring God into it. He has the power over anything. There’s nothing like a man is just built like that. It’s sin. The pleasure of sin blinds you which leads to destruction at the long run.
    Every man is capable of practicing being monogamous. A woman who feels like opening her legs all the time whether for pleasure or money, where she believes that’s what she has to offer has a choice.
    I never thought it’s possible to be abstinent/celibate but I’m an example of God’s true healing. I feel complete, satisfied and content.

    • Kelly

      July 14, 2017 at 12:55 pm

      I love how Nigerians turn everything into Jesus. They don’t play.
      The article is meant to be lighthearted but when the society breathes so many brostitutes and one has had their share, you can’t take it lightly. It’s become a norm and even celebrated. Cheating and being promiscuous is no joke.

  6. gia

    July 12, 2017 at 2:45 pm

    We all know why this was posted on a nigerian website!LMAO

  7. Josephine

    July 12, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry

  8. chick

    July 12, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    I was laughing all through the article cos this brostitute perfectly describes a good friend of mine. We talk about everything n also the babes he sleeps with, I have spoken to him to stop with the womanizing but he just can’t he just tells me to keep praying for him. Throughout last year I always included him in my prayers everyday asking God to change him but no luck yet. Funny thing is some girls willingly throe themselves at him even when he tells them he is bad they’ll still persist. He has a babe he loves n all I feel for her is pitypity, if only she knows what he’s bin doing behind her back she’ll leave without looking bACK.

  9. Ever Green

    July 12, 2017 at 3:32 pm

    @Writer, I dont agree with you when you said ”THE ONLY PRACTICAL CURE FOR BROSTITUTION IS TO CUT OFF THE SEXUAL ORGAN OF THE BROSTITUTE AND PLUCK OFF HIS EYES AND THEN THE GENES OF BROSTITUTION WILL BE GONE WITH THE WIND.”
    The permanent solution or cure for Brostitution is Life changing Experience or a circumstances especially one that comes with force and sorrow .

    For instance, this one no be nollywood film oh, my mum told us about one Brostitution back in the 70’s on the island around Isale eko, he carried a ghost and after sleeping with the beautiful woman transformed and a casket was on the bed with her corpse. In those days it was those traditional practitioners that help them to perform necessary sacrifice so that she can leave.
    Infact we were told that brostitution was even begged to marry, he never wanted to have anything to do with women after that said experience.

    Sleeping with any dick and harry is very dangerous to both sex.

    • funmilola

      July 12, 2017 at 11:15 pm

      The cure was pure sarcasm……we all know that’s not the solution.

  10. Cmbo

    July 12, 2017 at 4:56 pm

    ki le le yi? Brostitute?? omg, where are emoji’s when you need them?

  11. Hawt Talk With Tosan

    July 12, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    This is a mental illness

  12. Ada

    July 12, 2017 at 5:08 pm

    Hmmmmm tell me about it. I got married to one exactly like this. Sleeps with everything in skirt plus house help sef upon say we dey go church wella. Thankfully i got out alive.

  13. Ni Ne

    July 12, 2017 at 5:58 pm

    You all know there is a hint of sarcasm in this article right? lol

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