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The 1 Advice Married Women have for their Single Female Friend/Sister

BellaNaija.com

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Vlogger Sisi Yemmie on her Twitter, asked married women what one advice they’d like to give to their single friend or sister.

Really, there’s so much going in the head of a single lady that just a little guidance from the right married counterpart could help in ways no one would expect.

And, well, the women did turn up – along with a few men – with kind and solid tips on how to prepare for marriage and navigate singledom.

See the tweets below:

24 Comments

  1. Tessa Doghor

    November 24, 2017 at 11:03 am

    New generation of women
    I like them and their narratives
    They are different from our parent’s generation
    and they should be…

    No opinions
    Marry a kind man, makes sense
    Not that acts kind, but that IS kind
    Take the time needed to figure out that the kindness is real

  2. ec

    November 24, 2017 at 11:07 am

    single ladies, do you see a particular thread here? a word is enough for the wise.

  3. Tutu

    November 24, 2017 at 11:23 am

    Please take your time and don’t settle. Know who you are and be financially independent. Be confident. Carry yourself with dignity. You’re marrying into his family. His family counts. Spare yourself the headache if you can’t cope with them.

  4. Mrs chidukane

    November 24, 2017 at 11:23 am

    Have a solid source of income, finding work/ starting a business as a married woman can be difficult. Enjoy your singlehood in every way possible.

  5. Married Mother of 3

    November 24, 2017 at 11:38 am

    My mother gave me a piece of advice and I found it very helpful
    Look at the way he treats the other people we would usually take for granted. Not talking about your friends, family and co (although that’s also very important) but the security guards, taxi drivers, waiters, house helps, secretaries and co. You can tell a lot about character from the way a man treats someone he has authority over. If he treats them with respect and dignity, you have you a winner. If he treats them like trash, my sister, OYO.
    1. Also, do not settle, but don’t expect perfection either. Even before you marry as a young woman, prioritize. Decide for yourself-early in courtship/relationship-what is a simple flaw that can be worked out and what is a deal breaker. Set boundaries.
    2. Always look out for INTEGRITY, WISDOM and EMPATHY. A sense of humor, romance, tall dark and handsome and co. are nice characteristics but they’re overrated and don’t guarantee security,
    3. And the most important part; KNOW YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF! ADD VALUE TO YOURSELF ! Add as much value to yourself as you can before you get married. And not just in terms of education but as a person. Grow as a person. Work on your flaws. Take your time as a single girl getting to know yourself and become secure in yourself. If you can’t be happy as a single woman, you can’t be happy as a married woman. Remember; YOU have power over YOUR happiness. Not your man or your kids, but YOU. I can’t stress enough how important it is to be independent.

  6. Married Mother of 3

    November 24, 2017 at 11:46 am

    Oh and pick your battles wisely. The first five years of marriage are very difficult because you are still adjusting to being together. However, before you confront your husband, ask yourself; will this thing that he did still matter by tomorrow or by next week? If it will, confront him but if not, just let it go.

  7. Abeee

    November 24, 2017 at 11:59 am

    Have your own thing going (School, business, career whatever your own thing means to you)
    Get you a KIND MAN i swear this is very very important.
    If you have a career or a dream or whatever make sure he supports it or at least respects it.
    Have aligned morals, family values etc.
    Lastly enjoy your single life someone gave me this advice before i got married and i’ll always thank her for it. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been enjoying the single life just keep enjoying it. Go for that party, travel to that destination, try new food, get new skills etc. Because when you get married it becomes difficult to do these things especially when the kids come. Sigh i miss my single days (small)

  8. Amara

    November 24, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    As a single,one point really hit home for me.”Watch how he treats others cos that he treats me like a queen may not always be the case”.God bless the soul that wrote that.

  9. larz

    November 24, 2017 at 12:32 pm

    Interesting. I hope people realise that what people post here is different from what they tell their closed and loved ones.

    I was once there when my mum was advising a friend whose daughter is single at 35. I had to double check that it was my mum speaking. You see from the times I was 21 until I got married at 28 (actually 27), you would think I had a terminal disease, the pressure was on. every achievement was followed by reminder about how I haven’t achieved the key thing. It was so serious I had panic attacks and I had some counselling in church.

    And before you say she might have changed, no she hasn’t because she was also pressuring my sister to get married. It is interesting, most people know the right thing but definitely choose to ignore it when talking to their daughters, siblings and close ones.

    • Jummy

      November 24, 2017 at 12:40 pm

      Oh. That’s definitely normal. It’s easy to say until it’s happening to you. Lol

      It’s like one girl I know who is so vehement on equal rights for gay people on Facebook. The day she called me to complain about how she found out her brother was gay and how she was sure it was a phase, or maybe he was abused because there’s no way he could he gay, was the day I realized it’s easier “promoted than experienced”

      She was (and still is) the poster child for LGBT people on social media. I was shocked ehn!

      Larz, I wouldnt bother about that too much. That’s how people are generally.

    • Lilo

      November 24, 2017 at 11:32 pm

      Of course it’s easy to preach patience and God’s timing is the best to other people same way pastors will tell the TTC women the story of Hannah and Sarah die yet their own TTC wives are using surrogates

  10. Jummy

    November 24, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    Lots of wisdom from these women.

    I know I’m on the right path. I recently made a decision to move to another country on my own for school, it also to spend that time knowing myself and growing.

    I’m 24 now, and shoukd be close to 30 by the time I’m done with my education, and I want to believe that I would have grown into my own woman. Then, I can decide to start thinking of settling down.

    You won’t believe the amount of discouragement I’ve gotten from women and men, including my mum and aunt.

    “What about your boyfriend?”
    “These Lagos girls will snatch him oh!”
    “Why don’t you get married and continue your education from there?”
    “You can finish school now and won’t see husband to marry.”

    It’s so frustrating I promise, and if not that I feel a deeply held conviction from God to do this, would have abandoned this quest.

    Oddly enough, the one person who’s has been my source of encouragement is my boyfriend. Everyone is taking Panadol for his headache and he’s just chilling.

    He knows how important this move is for me and my personal journey to self discovery, and has been encouraging me all the way. I guess that’s one sign of being a husband material. Lol.

    • Diamond

      November 25, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      Dear, follow your heart.. chase your dream. When I was 24 (your age), I listened to my parents and abandoned my medical school dream because of their advise I should focus on getting married. Now I’m 30 & still single (yes, I had a relationship that didn’t progress to marriage as I wanted). And I am even more angry I didn’t followed through my career dream, than I am angry that I am not married because I should have graduated by now.

  11. MARRIAGE SHA

    November 24, 2017 at 12:50 pm

    I remember when I couldn’t wait to marry him.

    Now I can’t wait to divorce him.

    Marriage IS beautiful, as long as nobody changes personality somewhere down the line.

    • Loki

      November 24, 2017 at 2:48 pm

      @Marriage Sha – Why though? That is if you don’t mind talking about it

  12. Frida

    November 24, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    Marry a KIND man (I agree 100%), someone who respects everyone regardless of status.

    Marry a man with sexual integrity (yes! They exist!)

    Marry your friend… Marry someone you love and who loves you in return. (hard time will definitely come in marriage, love and friendship helps weather the storms)

    Marry someone with similar values.

    Pls know what you can deal with and what you cannot.

    Do Not start what you cannot finish! Don’t change to score cheap points… Be yourself.

    In Africa, family matters a lot. So marry someone who respects your family and you do the same to his. It will be best if his family values you too… Makes things easier… Don’t forget they have known him longer than you have and he most probably loves them too.

    Every marriage is different…. Do you!

    Most of all…. Enjoy your single days… Love your self… Better to be happy and single than married and unhappy.

    • Frida

      November 24, 2017 at 12:58 pm

      I forgot to add….

      Finances!
      Very important.

      Women Pls have some money of your own… No matter how small.

      I totally understand that in some marriages ( One parent usually the mother, has to stay at home for some years to take care of young children….this is common abroad as childcare is more expensive than in Nigeria)- if this is your situation, try to do something small on the side. You can become a child minder for working moms, bake, cater for small parties, have an online business. Do something! It helps you uphold your respect.

  13. Mura

    November 24, 2017 at 1:33 pm

    Ladies!!! The most important from the experiences of every single woman around me including my mum: PLEASE BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT. After knowing your true self and being the source of your own happiness this has to be the next most important. Mehn I cannot stress this enough. I’m 24 and single. I have to have my own dough before I marry. All my aunties, cousins, married friends and my dear mother are now suffering the repercussion of depending on their “husband” for their financial/material needs. Financial dependence will lead to poor health, depression, embarrassment, suicidal thoughts, suffering, deep deep sorrow and eventual early death. No matter how lovey dovey and disney-esque it is at the beginning, IT WILL DIE DOWN. The honeymoon stage will end. For some it’s as early as the wedding night, some others happen within the first year of marriage, some seven years like that like that. I would rather get married at 40 as far as I achieve financial independence than at 25 with 0 Naira 0 Kobo in my account. No one is telling you to be a millionaire, just don’t depend on your husband for your daily living and self care. You will regret it. The world today is not the same world of 1940. Harken unto my cry o!!!

  14. bolintin

    November 24, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    For me It will be pray well then marry your friend who has similar values with you.

    I noticed that daily occurrences that cause serious problem in some homes don’t cause any problem in mine. I find that the difference is my spouse and I are very alike, whether I am there or not we make similar choices so we almost always agree.

    Now I am not sure it will be easy to come by, someone who is almost like you but another thing I find is we are friends so the walk is also easier even when we make mistakes we find it very easy to move on from there.

    honestly I cant remember the last time we fought, we just don’t. Say I am very blessed yes I am but again I think it is because I prayed well before I married him.

    In summary , mine will be
    pray for the right spouse
    marry someone from a similar background with a similar value
    marry only after you guys have become friends

  15. fragile

    November 24, 2017 at 2:43 pm

    What if the both of you are very good friends, have similar values, beliefs to a large extent yet its not working?i found myself in that situation recently where we clicked on almost all grounds except for the fact that we are from differnt tribes and he doesn’t respect my opinion and my feelings when we have a slight misunderstanding i.e he wants me to always apologise first even when he is wrong.as much as i cared him, i just got tired and frustrated and decided to be on my own. he didn’t even say anything or inquire what happened,it just made me realise that it wasn’t love.
    so right now with all the comments read, I am not disturbing myself over man matter again.
    Though I am in my 30’s I am considering relocating very soon from Nigeria to another country where I will be away from all the noise and distractions and settle down to actually finding myself so that i can also be found by the right man.
    It just feels like I can’t find a good man in this country, all of them just keep toiling with my heart no matter how caring I am. I don tire

  16. Loool

    November 24, 2017 at 6:05 pm

    For all those mentioning marry a KIND man, I hope you are also kind! Easy to say I want a man that is xyz without asking yourself am I xyz?

    • Esther

      November 24, 2017 at 9:06 pm

      Thank you for mentioning that. I know two women whose husbands are kind, patient but the women themselves y are far from it. One of the women, her husband asked for divorce and they are in court almost killing each other. She’s begged, but he’s completely done. that’s how bad it’s gotten.

      Marriage is what you make it out to be. I’m not eager to be married but I’m also open. The pressure from family, friends flaunting their married life used to get to me but not anymore. I know what many of their marriages are like, opposite of what they post on social media.
      I’ve met couple few genuine kind men. We will see what God has in store.

  17. OJ

    November 25, 2017 at 12:04 am

    Before you get married I beg you in the name of JAH, be financially independent, have a job or trade regardless of how much he makes…..this 2017 not 1700
    Don’t put too much expectation and pressure on him, he’s human and at some point he will snap
    Don’t make the mistake of comparing your union to others, ojukokoro is toxic and brings endless unhappiness becos of lack of contentment
    Very importantly, every good qualities you want in a man, make sure you have those qualities too oooo…..”she that seeketh equity must come with clean hands””

  18. Sisi

    November 25, 2017 at 5:58 pm

    It’s unfortunate that the advice is still be financially independent in 2017. Chaaiiiiii. All this feminism for nothing if that is still the message for urban (not those in the village) Nigerian women in 2017. What are they sending you to school for if not to be financially independent in some capacity? Even IF you take a break from work, industry, business to have children you should have funds saved and should you CHOOSE to go back whether full time/part time/never add value always after all that’s what a partner/helpmeet is for.

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