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Aunty Bella: Miss. Am I Settling?

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

A sister needs your advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years( with a few breakups and makeup here and there). We both genuinely love each other. So this is what seems to be the problem..

My boyfriend finished uni 5 years ago and hasn’t been able to get any good job since then(he did computer engineering). He will always finds something , which will seem to be going well and then suddenly they will stop paying him. We can all attest life is hard as it is and not having any sustainable income coming just magnifies the stress. Nevertheless, he will still go to work even without pay. He usually waits it out for a few months and if nothing happens he quits and the whole cycle of job hunt starts over again. It’s happened twice already, and again in his current job (he has not been paid for 3 months).

He is the most hardworking person I know, even when he is not being paid, he shows up to work and puts in extra hours, most of the time even do extra work at home. I sometimes get mad at him for putting in so much effort into something he’s not even being paid for.

This whole cycle of job struggles has really taken a toll of him. He has lost his confidence, and I will say even borderline depressed. He recently told me to find someone else since his situation isn’t getting any better. He can’t afford to take care of me and he doesn’t want to waste my time.

I also believe he feels pressured to marry me since we’ve been together for so long. I personally do not pressure him about marriage, I know we can’t afford it now and I believe whenever it’s supposed to happen it will. For the most part, I’m not bothered by his financial struggles. I make my own money and can take care of myself, but I’m human and sometimes when I compare myself to my friends relationship I get sad.

I do not believe in breaking with someone because of financial troubles. if it was character flaw, then that would have been a different discussion, but just because someone doesn’t have money now doesn’t mean they wont have money in the future. He is very hardworking and i believe if he keeps going at it, one day something will work out. We tried to start a business together but its not really working out well so far.

My question is this, I know sometimes when you are in love with someone you can’t think clearly. I think I’m a very objective person but I also don’t deny the fact that my judgement could be clouded because I love him. So if it were you, what would you do? Would you walk away or stay? Am I settling? Am I being dumb? I also want to add that I’m turning 28 soon.

Photo credit: © Photographerlondon | Dreamstime.com

70 Comments

  1. EOLAR MOSHOOD

    March 1, 2018 at 1:45 pm

    THIS STORY IS JUST EXACTLY LIKE WHAT HAPPEN IN MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP AT THE END OF IT ALL,HE LEFT WHEN HE FOUND A WOMAN WHO HAS MONEY ENOUGH AND CAN TURN IS LIFE AROUND, MY ADVICE IS DON’T LEAVE HIM AT THE SAME TIME DON’T REJECT OTHER GUYS THAT COME YOUR WAY, GOD WILL LEAD YOU.

    • Bey

      March 1, 2018 at 2:26 pm

      Nawa, we have a lot of gold digger men nowadays. I wonder why ????
      You see a man that is purposely looking out to marry a daughter of a gov/senator or mogul. Before I got married I dated the sort of man up there, could hardly hold a job, to make matters worse he wld always borrow money from me, and hardly returned it. He will now say, do I know the amount of girls that will just like to have a man in their life, and they will do anything for the guy, as if he was doing me a favor dating me.
      I didn’t break up with him, I just left my opens opened. Met and dated my present hubby and dumped him. Let him look for d woman that will take care of him.
      My dear keep your options opened, you are 28. Try dating other ppl and see how it goes.

    • Fleur

      March 2, 2018 at 7:55 pm

      To tell you to leave means he is a real man who understands his role as a male. Second, he is a man who really cares about you. He’d rather let you go than have you trudge along and suffer. He has the makings of a great partner in life. For now, your interest should be in whether he has prospects, ideas, that both of you can jumpstart. You dont have to “wait for someone” to become financially stable. You can work with them. On the other hand, I have seen men whose wives worked their asses off for them and the money comes in and they go find themselves an okpeke that is younger. Dunno. The only resort is a consultation with God. Is this a godly relationship and what has God said about it?

  2. Jummy

    March 1, 2018 at 2:37 pm

    Hmmmm…. This one pass me. Looking forward to the comments. Maybe I can learn something.

  3. ken

    March 1, 2018 at 2:41 pm

    My advice is if truly all you have said is the way like you’ve said. i encourage you to kindly give him like a year more, with serious work on his work or career aspect and prayers. Then after if nothing better happens, then you can take your decision to leave if you truly can’t cope with him.

    • rose

      March 1, 2018 at 6:13 pm

      a year or more????????

  4. Mrs chidukane

    March 1, 2018 at 2:45 pm

    He seems to be hardworking with good work ethic which is great. Maybe keep your options open. He may be tired of the relationship and just want to stay because you have dated for long. I’ve heard of people that dated for 7years and broke up after 2 years of marriage. Sometimes long courtship isn’t the best. Keep your options open. Go out and meet people and see what happens. There is no guarantee he will stay with you when he makes it. Alas, that’s when his true colors will come out and what you see might shock you.

    • californiabawlar

      March 1, 2018 at 3:06 pm

      But isn’t keeping ‘options open’ cheating? It’s not like they are just dating na (which would be understandable), they are in a full-blown long-term relationship. How does she start seeing other people? I know it’s Naija and the rules of engagement are different but I just wanted to point it out. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend that was keeping his options open… well, unless we agree on it sha.
      That said, I agree with every other thing o! Yoruba people say “Okunrin ti o ba lowo lowo, iwa oniwa lo’n wu” i.e. a man with no money is only exhibiting someone else’s behavior.
      Poster, count your teeth with your tongue. We’re not saying he would dump you when things change, but even if he doesn’t, chances are he might only marry you out of pity.
      My two cents, if you love him enough and are SURE to a good extent that he is in love with you (not just hanging around cos he can’t afford to court/date other women), take the risk and stick it out. But know it’s definitely a risk!

    • Mrs chidukane

      March 1, 2018 at 4:50 pm

      California bawlar, keeping options open is not cheating. What I mean is, go out and mingle and make friends. Go to the beach, hang out. Make friends of the opposite sex. Don’t exclude yourself from social gatherings thinking you’re as good as married. I told my sister, till you walk down the aisle, you are very single. These men are not loyal.

    • Anonymous

      March 1, 2018 at 5:04 pm

      “Go to the beach, hang out. Make friends of the opposite sex. Don’t exclude yourself from social gatherings thinking you’re as good as married”

      From what the poster said, the guy is loyal and hardoworking. Intentionally engaging in any social activity to get a more financially desirable partner is cheating. Let’s stop this sugar coating. You either in a relationship with all your heart or not. There is always a reason for each party to keep their options open. Once you decide to take that option, please LEAVE.

    • Poesy

      March 2, 2018 at 11:58 pm

      I belong to the camp that doesn’t get the mentality of keeping one’s options open, especially when in a committed relationship. When men keep their options ‘open’, we call them demons and the like, but for women it’s a Machiavellian strategy that will ensure you get married, so it’s okay, abi? . When we get married and things hit a snag, should I also keep my options open?

  5. Anonymous

    March 1, 2018 at 2:48 pm

    Dear Poster, if you love him stick with him and keep praying. When I met my husband, he was living with his mum and siblings. He’s the 1st child, his younger brother was even married. He had a job that paid 50k graduate o. The mattress in his room was so flat like a mat. I was working and I made lots of commission as a sales person, I even had an official car. He rented an apartment from a loan he took and I moved in with him then we had our traditional wedding, no church or court and it was a parlour event. Dear poster, I financed 70% of the wedding but he paid back in full. He was hardworking and I saw potential. 6 years in marriage now and the tables have totally turned in fact sometimes I wonder what just happened. I pickup only a few bills in the house and he does the rest. We leave in a highbrow neighborhood and can afford some bit of comfort and yes we are legally married now. My point is, if he has potentials and you love him, don’t give up on him, it isn’t easy I know but believe that one day his situation will change for the better. Sorry for the epistle

    • fireonwings

      March 2, 2018 at 4:16 pm

      Thank you

  6. ajankolokolo

    March 1, 2018 at 3:13 pm

    like others said, there is no guarantee he will marry you when he makes it, also no one knows when he will make it. Please keep your options open, put yourself out there to meet suitors.

    furthermore, i think i should advice ladies on this: if you are of marriageable age and you want to marry, please keep your options open, (i didn’t say sleep around o). Your future hubby might not be the guy you are dating.

    • Anonymous

      March 1, 2018 at 5:42 pm

      @Mrs Chidukane: If you make it known to your partner that you would be keeping your options, then it’s not cheating or the pathway to achieve it. Since it’s not cheating, why don’t you tell her to inform her boyfriend about “keeping her options open”? Or is relationship no longer built on complete honesty and being on thesame page.

      Our women and the way they change the goal post!!!

    • Ada_ugo

      March 1, 2018 at 10:14 pm

      @Anon, if a man wants that level of “complete honesty”, he should put a ring on it.

    • Anonymous

      March 2, 2018 at 2:05 am

      @ Ada_ugo: not surprised by your comment because most Nigerian girls have faulty moral system. If your honesty is dependent on the surrounding circumstance, you will still find a reason to be dishonest even when you get the ring. Shouldn’t honestly be the bedrock before proceeding to putting a ring on it.

      Being with a person is not by force. You can walk away rather than stringing someone along in the name of keeping your options open.

    • Ada_ugo

      March 2, 2018 at 4:18 am

      @Anon, it’s hard to base your judgement on a moral system when you are involved in a union that does not fall under the moral umbrella of the culture or religion one represents. So tell me, how do you define morality outside of culture and religion, and what do you think makes that definition valid?

    • Anonymous

      March 2, 2018 at 7:10 pm

      @ Ada_ugo: a normal human heart has an already ingrained moral system. Just imagine you were exclusively dating someone with the intention of spending your life with the person but he is not being honest with you that he is “keeping his options open”

      hopefully, you will see nothing wrong in his actions if he puts up the argurments you posted earlier.

  7. Yeyeperry

    March 1, 2018 at 3:21 pm

    Not many men are hardworking. Not many men will think it important to find a source of income no matter what when they have a working girlfriend to ‘rely’ on.

    DO NOT break up with him because he doesn’t have a job (on the basis that he’s hardworking and not sitting at home hoping for a miracle).
    If you have other issues that makes you think he;’s not suitable for you or he gives you reasons to doubt his love and commitment then it’s up to you to walk away.

    Money isn’t everything.

    • Tutu

      March 1, 2018 at 4:49 pm

      I wonder where this keep your options open thing is coming from. Dear Poster, I was in a similar position. My boyfriend couldn’t get a good job for a long time but he was very hardworking. He’ll leave the house by 5am and go to a library to read and come back by 9pm when he could have easily stayed at home. He did that for months.

      He got a job but it was shitty. Like the worst! and he gave it his all until he resigned and resumed at the library. Long story short, he got a good job, salary increase in the first 6 months and another almost 50% increase in the following six months. We’re married now and we have a good life. Don’t give up on him as long as you know he’s a man of character. Money is not everything.

    • fireonwings

      March 2, 2018 at 4:17 pm

      Thank you

    • Cocolette

      March 2, 2018 at 11:09 pm

      Awww… Poster seems like you really want to stay with him, the way you’re thanking people who are supporting you staying.
      See, as long as he’s hardworking and a hustler, the money problem can always be fixed. It will be more difficult to fix a man who does not care for you or love you how you want to be loved.
      If he ticks all your other boxes apart from money, I think you should stay, money will definitely come.

  8. nene

    March 1, 2018 at 4:06 pm

    My dear, Go and pray and do as God leads…..you must keep an open mind and understand that you don’t have to marry the man. when we are young we are sentimental about so many things. but with time you will realize that sometimes its okay to also consider your own welfare too.

    In my opinion your boyfriend as well needs prayer he should go for MFM deliverance.
    The spirit of get and loose is worrying him.

    **I am not a member of MFM o but that is the most popular place I know that is safe to pray without being duped. because you do the prayer yourself and they don’t see vision for you.
    If you must see vision you will see it yourself.

    • Anonymous

      March 1, 2018 at 4:49 pm

      Every problem is a spiritual problem with Nigerians. I guess Joseph, on his way to the palace, was locked in a prison because he had a spiritual problem. Even the problem Mary faced after the after the birth of Jesus, was because she had a spiritual problem.

      There is no great story out there without challenging problems. Walking through the shadows is part of life. Desist from this ill mentality.

    • The real dee

      March 2, 2018 at 2:20 am

      @Anonymous, yes every problem is not a spiritual problem but we cannot undermine the fact that certain problems have spiritual undertones and must be dealt with.

      Poster, your boyfriend may truly be dealing with what Nene said and needs deliverance but the point right now is that you need to seek God concerning your future partner. Forget that you’ve been together for years. He may not be your husband. If you’re ready to make the right decision, take Nene’s advice.
      In fact I’ll go further and say, break up with him. Then go into prayers and ask God to show you the secret about that relationship and whether your boyfriend is your future husband. You’ll be shocked that the man you are supposed to marry is praying earnestly , waiting on God for you while you’re wasting time in a relationship that is not meant to be. And for you boyfriend, he may find someone else and his life will start making progress because that person is his life partner and destiny helper.

    • Anonymous

      March 2, 2018 at 7:17 pm

      @ The real dee: Yes, there are spiritual problems.
      It’s a spiritual problem on its own when you expressly attribute all low points of life to a spiritual issue,

  9. Anonymous

    March 1, 2018 at 4:45 pm

    From your write up, one could decode that you presently have a job that is good enough to take care of your basic bills and nothing else. Since you both are graduates and have been equipped with thesame time resources, why haven’t you gone beyond your present level? Or is it just the man that must find a headway irrespective of the tunnels of life.

    The default statement of a Nigerian woman is “keep your options open” is that only regarded as deception and cheating if a man applies thesame logic? Rather than being deceptive by “keeping your options open” please leave the relationship.

    At the end, every man/woman is looking for an assured future. A woman that is second guessing a long term relationship is already out of the door. You already have potential options, all you want to hear is “keep your options open”, so please move on. You don’t have to feel bad, it’s your life. Like I said, every lizard looks for a cool spot, including me.

  10. Siji

    March 1, 2018 at 4:50 pm

    Hello, Does he do IT support and live in Lagos. if yes send his cv to [email protected]. Lets get him a job and see how he treats you after that.

    • fireonwings

      March 2, 2018 at 4:18 pm

      Thank you so much. I will send you an email soon.

  11. mimi

    March 1, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    See, no gender has monopoly of evil, see comments, choi!. Auntie if you want to waka, please do, if not stay but do away with toying with someone’s head. That uncle is someone’s brother, son, nephew…Don’t even know why people think of only bad things that might happen, auntie he can also buy you ManU when he gets rich. Keeping options open is for people not in committed relationships, if you are in one and you do, it’s cheating, simple.making friends and hanging out with people doesn’t mean same thing and we know it in our heart of heart (dis talk is peppering me??). Because some men do stuff or might do stuff doesn’t mean you should, there shouldn’t be competition in bad things.

  12. ij

    March 1, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    The issue here seems to be income, why hasn’t he tried to run his own business? he can start really small and see where it leads him. Who knows what might happen

    • Fizzy

      March 1, 2018 at 7:37 pm

      Did you read the post? They both tried to start a business and it’s not doing well.

      I don’t understand all these christian mind advise. The dude already said you should move on. How are you really sure his asking you to move on is becos he is in a bad place? Dude might also want to move on without you. At 28, break it off, go out, meet new people. Right now, you are stuck with a dude who no longer wants to be with you. Not every man appreciates a woman who knew them when they had nothing.

  13. rose

    March 1, 2018 at 6:17 pm

    hmmmm….. i wouldn’t like my sister to stay with someone that has such hard luck sha ooooooooo …….and 28 can easily become 38 …..u don’t deserve this unending cycle of depression and baggage. I bet u can love another and i’m sure it’s just pity u feel for him pls keep your options waaaay open

  14. Dr.N

    March 1, 2018 at 6:23 pm

    1. He doesn’t know the language of money
    2. The hardworking are not the richest in this world else truck pushers would be millionaires
    3. You need to be selfish on this one. If you marry him he will be the head of the home and his income will set the pace. His financial behaviour can be changed but men don’t like being told what to do. If you can find him a mentor he can learn from it may help but there are no guarantees.

    You are not married to him you need to remember that. At 28, you need to decide. Stick with him and find a way to push him into some other venture that will pay or take a break and see if he finds himself.

    I like the fact that he is hard working but Nigeria is so unique that you need more than that. If computer fails you drive uber for someone. If uber fails you sell clothes in yaba. If selling fails you mould blocks.

    Just this week my husband found out the office cleaner of 4 years was leaving for another job. Nobody knew he was a mechanical engineer. He was so sad wishing he had known and helped him.

    Cheers

    • Wonder

      May 4, 2018 at 10:53 am

      Dr N of life! Missed you gaan. Your first comment about learning the language of money is a gbam, gbammer, gbammest!
      Hardwork alone is not enough and some men keep suffering and being less than they can be just because they have egos and do not want to listen to women.
      I’ll take your suggestion of getting a mentor for my fiance. Bless your heart.

  15. Fastcars

    March 1, 2018 at 6:27 pm

    First of; you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to your friends. Every one is f—ed up.
    Secondly; Every one settles. Both male and female. Those who think they didn’t just haven’t realised it yet. Is he a good man? If yes, then you don’t have a problem.

    • Xyz

      March 2, 2018 at 2:30 pm

      The only comment that makes sense.

  16. Sora Tulip Fruit Carving (www.soratulip.com)

    March 1, 2018 at 7:09 pm

    I absolutely do not think you should leave him due to money problems.
    It’s a temporary challenge. Since he’s in IT, there are many opportunities online.

    Many Nigerians earn millions of makes doing freelance work on Fiverr, Upwork and the likes..
    Times have changed! You can make a living full time on the internet

    What is he really good at in IT? Can he teach the skill both online and offline? It’s called online course creation. Imagine charging 10k to teach graphics, times 20,30 or 50 persons. There’s power in numbers. All the best

    • Sora Tulip Fruit Carving (www.soratulip.com)

      March 1, 2018 at 7:10 pm

      Millions of naira*

    • fireonwings

      March 2, 2018 at 4:20 pm

      Thank you. We will look into this 🙂

  17. olanna+odenigbo

    March 1, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    Are you settling??? Its that question that troubles me… While your concern is valid, pls bear in mind that if your heart isn’t committed to weathering storms with this man, then he may be the one settling with you. See, when it comes to dealing with human beings, you need to first accept a few facts…i.e. no one has monopoly of success or failure….One person’s turn today, and another tomorrow… so who is to say when it may be you in need… But that’s not even the main concern sef…

    Have you asked yourself why you want to marry this man?… If its solely because you’ve invested 10yrs in the relationship, and nothing more, please pack your load and go. But if its because he’s your friend, loves and treats you well, values your thoughts, shares your values, and motivates you to be better…then you better re-evaluate your priorities. Do your pros and cons well and take it from there. What do you want out of marriage? Does this man fit the picture? Before you settle with anyone- rich or poor, assume that their current situation will not change or that it gets worse, and see if you can live peacefully with that, without making their lives worse than you met it.

    Money is very important, but if you had to choose money or happiness- what would be your call? (again, that’s up to you…and no judgements from me, we all need both….but say you had to choose?…). I am not going to tell the sad tales of how all rich people must be sad, cos that’s not true… But what’s also true is that, there are many poor people whose lives are the envy of rich people around them… You can’t make assumptions based on other peoples lives. you cant ask us either… you’re the one that will be living with the cross, can you muster the strength it needs?… If you can’t do that, please bow out gracefully.. DO NOT KEEP ANY MUMU OPTIONS OPEN… BE IN OR OUT. A man that loves you and treats you well, deserves your respect….the respectful thing to do is leave him jejely, instead of opening futile doors for strangers, while you’re still with him- that’s low and foolish!. Also, if you leave and his luck turns, please be respectful and do not go back, that’s the tackiest thing ever….Just don’t!

    If he has poor luck as you say, have you considered trying to get him to save (when possible) and then suggest to him that you run/manage the finances- find investment opportunities… things like that, or is that outside your capacity to handle?… just a thought… I have written more than I intended… I hope you ask yourself the real hard questions and find the answers you need.

    Ciao.

    • Bam Bam

      March 21, 2018 at 8:49 am

      God Bless You Olanna!

  18. Engoz

    March 1, 2018 at 8:09 pm

    It’s not only the man, the lady does not have the funds to finance a family either. The lady is not prepared for marriage either. Abi you think it’s only men that finance the home. Speak to older married women, some of them had to finance their husbands before they got some bearing. We need such narratives being told so that young girls will stop being deceived. I don’t think this lady is the type that can do that though. You both are thinking in the right direction- he knows as a typical Nigerian girl if you have billions you still expect a man to pay bills. Also you know as a typical Nigerian boy, for ten years he’s still indecisive about whether he wants to marry you or not, still breaking up and making up, hiding under the clout of lack of financial resources. There is no assurance of marriage. When a man wants you, he is clear and concise. Nevertheless, money is very important in marriage, one person at least has to be financially capable to take care of the family. None of you have the wherewithal to get married. You are not moving on because he’s poor, but because this is a suicide mission since not one person has the funds to run a family.

    • Papermoon

      March 1, 2018 at 10:34 pm

      Men who haven’t found their bearing have no business getting married. That’s why a lot of these “men sponsoring” wives end up bitter when things don’t work out. Find your bearing before you marry!!!

    • Engoz

      March 2, 2018 at 1:06 pm

      Women who haven’t found their bearing (no financial means to support a family) have no business getting married either. Lmao! Stay in ya fathers house!

    • kkay

      March 23, 2018 at 5:09 pm

      @Engoz I could not like you comment enough. I always look out for your comments; wisdom-packed especially on serious issues like this.

      We really do need the ‘real life’ narratives here so young women won’t go into marriages with rose-tinted glasses and have a rude awakening.
      Much as we run a partriachial society, women have been financial bedrock of a lot of marriages. Tides of fortunes also turn in life and is reflected in marriages.

      Any couple that intend to get married need to sit and have a clinical dialogue on money and how to handle their finances. It’s wise to seek professional counseling.
      The way a man feels the pressure of always being the one to bear the financial burden is the same way a woman would feel it when it falls on her. Some single career women already had a taste of this if at some stage their parents were no longer able to financially cater for their younger ones.

  19. OJ

    March 1, 2018 at 8:14 pm

    If the coin is flipped and it happens its the Lady that is not working and has to rely on the income of the guy for the same length of time as the story depicts, can the guy also “keep his option open, hang out with other ladies, meet ups, social gatherings”?……. Dem dem and double standards!!!

    They can’t tolerate broke guys, but want us to cater for broke babes

    • LemmeRant

      March 1, 2018 at 8:45 pm

      Me I yaff tire to be arguing with them.

      Their logic is sooo poor.
      Just wait for a job, employment or political article now and you will see them shouting equality.

      Yet at the end of the day you read b*llsh*t like this.

      Na their way sha, I’m not surprised. Its something I’ve come to expect. When you have fish brains….

    • Californiabawlar

      March 1, 2018 at 10:42 pm

      Oh shut it @Lemmerant! The women giving counter arguments are hermaphrodites? You don’t have ‘fish brain’ (whatever that means) but you can’t even argue your point without being insulting? Olodo rabata. What do relational matters gave to do with professional equality? Did the posters boyfriend get passed over for a chick? A’n wiru, o’n wiru… Why are you so silly? Uggh. Such a consistent unintelligent and irritating child. ???

    • LemmeRant

      March 2, 2018 at 6:34 am

      Eeeyah. Saw this late. Can’t be spending all day on BN.

      Lol “women giving counter arguments”. Y’all make me laugh.
      @Egnoz is the only one on this blog that has managed to be consistent in her ideals. Even though we don’t agree, at least she is consistent.

      The rest of y’all keep shifting arguments and changing sides whenever it suits you.

      At the end of the day its difficult to argue with people without direction so I’ll just pass.

      As per the fish brain insult (that one pain eh?). But its not really an insult if its true ya know.

    • californiabawlar

      March 2, 2018 at 10:10 am

      You’re also consistent in your stupidity. That count too. Here’s a trophy for you. Odesin.

    • LemmeRant

      March 2, 2018 at 11:44 am

      Lol. At least you’re a bit funny so kudos.

      But by now, you should know I’m not gonna be trading insults with you nah.

      Later.

    • californiabawlar

      March 2, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      Oh! you won’t trade insults, but you’ll throw it out there? Spineless rat.

    • Bobosteke

      March 3, 2018 at 5:34 am

      @Lemmerant

      If you don’t intend to trade insults, you don’t start by throwing one in the first place. It makes you, well, inconsistent. Look into that.

  20. Sweetzie

    March 1, 2018 at 8:32 pm

    My own question is, why do people date for 10 years for goodness sake. Reason why it’s important to be single in your early 20’s, mingle with different people, find yourself and what you really want in a man and life in general. At 28, you should definitely know your desires and needs at this junction. If I were in your situation, I would take a break from this long a*s relationship, reassess your next steps and make a final decision!

    • Loool

      March 1, 2018 at 11:04 pm

      See kweshun ?

  21. Sora Tulip Fruit Carving

    March 1, 2018 at 10:33 pm

    I absolutely do not think you should leave him due to money problems.
    It’s a temporary challenge. Since he’s in IT, there are many opportunities online.

    Many Nigerians earn millions of makes doing freelance work on Fiverr, Upwork and the likes..
    Times have changed! You can make a living full time on the internet

    What is he really good at in IT? Can he teach the skill both online and offline? It’s called online course creation. Imagine charging 10k to teach graphics, times 20,30 or 50 persons. There’s power in numbers. All the best

    • fireonwings

      March 2, 2018 at 4:52 pm

      Thank you. Will look into this 🙂

  22. Relatable

    March 1, 2018 at 11:03 pm

    Honestly this is a hard one and I echo what some others have said, 10 years is a long time to be in a relationship especially for you being so young. My advice would be look past his job woes and really really consider if he is of good character and you two should have a serious discussion about your dreams in life. Does he maybe want to go overseas to pursue an advanced degree? Thereby leaving you in the lurch? Does he say things like when he makes it, you will be by his side? That can give you a little bit of confidence.

    I was in a similar dilemma as you. I reconnected with my first love after almost 10 years of being apart (we were 18 and 21 when we dated) and at the time he was having job troubles but what really made me decide to eventually break things off with him was my family did not approve of the relationship and we had very different life goals. I guess I had grown up a bit and even though the love was very strong, my head ruled my heart. It was hard to let go because of the unknown. The dating world is a minefield.

    Fast forward to when I met and started dating my now husband, he was just about graduating and then job trouble started for him as well. But things were different with him; I loved his character, we had similar values and life goals. Even though there was a little skepticism from our families we moved forward with getting married. I paid for more than half of the wedding expenses and was the primary breadwinner for a long time until he was able to stabilize in his career. Now things are looking up finally thank God.

    Like I said, it doesn’t always end happily so that’s why you have to really dig deep down and search your heart, pray about it to know if he is the one. He should also confirm that he wants to be with you because as the Bible says, can two walk together except they agree

  23. Mrs chidukane

    March 2, 2018 at 12:10 am

    Let me rephrase. After dating someone for 10 years without an engagement, you would be a big fool not to open your options. I have seen this happen over and over again. The man will now remember your age, or that you’re not from his village, or you don’t want him to enjoy his life a little. I could give you stories upon stories. The man even told her to find someone else. He has already given her hints. She should stay there if she wants.
    @Lemme rant, you have the fish brains in abundance.

  24. No name

    March 2, 2018 at 1:02 am

    I am really shocked by the comments here.

  25. larz

    March 2, 2018 at 10:28 am

    Usually when you ask ppl for advice on whether to stay in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. So without knowing all the details, the first think I think is to leave.

    Why? If your question was how can you help empower the same bf to be a success and to grow financially, I can make suggestions on how to help keep the relationship. You see the difference? In one case you are not sure whether to stay in the rship and in the other, you are trying to (against all odds) keep the relationship. In the former, you should all cut your losses and leave because when the going gets tough in marriage, you are likely to ask yourself why did you stay with a “broke man”.

    Let us for argument sake assume you asked the second question, then I will say your husband need to learn to be more financial savvy. He needs to act like his skills are valuable (and not that employers are doing him a favour). He needs to ask the right questions and do lots of research regarding the financial state (assess their liquid position) of any company he is looking at joining. Then when he joins, he needs early warning system that he sets in place firmly. First month of non-payments should get him sending out his CVs and interviewing. After a maximum of 3 missed salary payments, he should say goodbye to the company. Also, it is admirable to work hard but he should focus all that hardwork on him and his ventures. He can start freelancing on the side- build websites help start up companies integrate their systems (or add value whatever he specialises in). In addition to this, he should start seeking online training programs and tech grants. A developer friend of mine was telling me of a google grant she was pursuing. Also, there are some scholarships and seminars where they fund capable IT techs from 3rd world countries to attend a week or a month long program in US or Europe and they get exposure to people globally. Options are limited. Please don’t be sitting down and dulling yourself by working hard for ppl who don’t respect you enough to honor your contract. Na hin papa’s company. I will stop for now,

    I hope this has given you a lot to think about.

    But seriously though, if you are not invested enough in the guy, please free him before yall entrap each other in a marriage and end up resenting each other. Find someone that you are committed enough to be their ride or die. Marriage will bring its own challenges and you cant go in half committed.

    Ok seriously, I will stop now

  26. Renaissance

    March 3, 2018 at 7:54 pm

    Dear Poster,
    I will go for the unpopular stance here. Stay with him! He’s a man of character, he’s hardworking. Stay and pray to God about his situation and he should continue to fervently search for a job. Sometimes the walls of Jericho refuse to go down and all hope seems lost and if we are not careful we will give up on the sixth lap. No! Go another lap. Support him. He will not forget you when he makes it and he will definitely make it. Others have forgotten but he will not forget you.

  27. Jane

    March 5, 2018 at 7:57 am

    10 years of off and on relationship, For what ? See love can truly blind someone. All your thoughts about this relationship are purely based on assumptions. First you have to sit with this guy and define this relationship. Know if he truly wants to marry you or if he feels pressured to. Have honest discussion with him about this. If he wants to marry, then he should put a ring on it, there are so many ways to get married that ain’t the normal lavish bellanaija weddings. You can do a court Marriage and a simple traditional marriage ( this is so that you know that this your 10years of wait won’t be in vain) there are one or two success stories from some people here. But you can see that they got married despite the situation and struggled together. Don’t wait these years and end up like most and cry heart break. Be sure this is worth your wait.
    Secondly, please do not compare your relationship with anyone, this kills relationship faster than anything
    Thirdly, after having these honest open ended discussions with him and you both seem to be going no where. Then it is time to open your options. If he eventually makes it without you. Then perhaps you were both not meant to be and vice versa. More so ending up with your better halves does not mean you both can’t be a support system to your new families.
    Please think well and act well. Do not base anything on assumptions. You don’t wanna get stuck in a marriage that you could be better off without.

  28. Hmmmm

    March 10, 2018 at 2:45 pm

    You said he is a computer engineer? What is his work experience like? Is he into programming or software engineering?

  29. kkay

    March 23, 2018 at 5:26 pm

    Please, why are you in a relationship that is not marriage for 10 years? What’s the purpose and destination – within what timeline?
    I am truly puzzled, sorry perplexed.

  30. toyin

    March 27, 2018 at 10:26 am

    shorts of words will never be the option for the answer.i will never tell you to leave me but please u are too precious to risk ur life for a man when it is not a business the higher the risk the higher the gain. PRAY TO GOD AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY MAN IN YOUR LIFE.. AND WHEN GOD SAYS HAVE GIVEN YOU ONE ALREADY CONTINUE WITH HIM SO AS NOT TO LOOSE THE RIGHT MAN . take care ……

  31. Feyisayo

    May 14, 2018 at 1:28 am

    I think ten years is too long to be in a relationship, I wouldn’t want you to put all eggs in one basket so that when the unexpected happens it won’t be too late. Sometimes men tend to be of good character when they don’t have money but when they do, you will see them for who they truly are. Am not saying you should leave him, just keep your options open.

  32. sissy

    July 19, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    your story speaks so well of me just that there is a baby attached to my own. no job 4years i do it all alone and as a matter of fact i still love him dearly. sometimes he does a lil minimal job here and there no matter the amount he gets but in all love conquers all. just give him a little more time and dont relent in your prayers to him

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