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Cisi Eze: Why Gay Men Marry Unsuspecting Hetero Women

Cisi Eze

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Unsuspecting

ʌnsəˈspɛktɪŋ/

(Of a person or animal) not aware of the presence of danger; feeling no suspicion.

Synonyms: unwitting, oblivious, unaware, unconscious, heedless, unmindful.

On Twitter, @JamesLantern2 tweeted: “With all these 6 invites for October, I can tag October as the month of “LGBT-straight wedding “. Heterosexual women are saying I do to 6 of my LGBT folks in all four Saturdays . Wow! DM me if you are a fashion designer I need to make clothes! It’s gonna be haaaattt!”

Would this be the first time a gay man is getting married to an unsuspecting heterosexual woman?

Earlier in the year, Jaruma Magazine unravelled a sizzling Twitter thread about a woman who caught her husband cheating on her with her father. Gladly, this started several conversations around this social issue: gay men marrying unsuspecting hetero women. Does it not make sense that queer men marry queer women?

The history of marriage across cultures shows it was not invented for the sole aim of binding two romantic partners. It was more for “locking down” wealth and ascertaining paternity. Only a mother can tell who the father of a child is, except when it is glaring that a child is the spitting image of the biological father. A queer man could easily get married to a queer woman, and the both of them would live happily ever after, knowing that they both have an agreement, mutual respect, and platonic love/friendship. As Pythagoras put it, “Any relationship without love is bondage.”

Queer men are men before being queer. Male privilege shields them in varying degrees, based on how feminine presenting they are. (For the culture: gender identity and sexual orientation are mutually exclusive. That a man is feminine-presenting does not necessarily mean he is queer.)

Male privilege is a melange of indoctrinations. One of them is that a person is a leader (to whom others must submit) by virtue of having a penis. Another is that the individual with the penis is a baby to be exonerated from responsibility. Older women who uphold The Patriarchy say, “You know men are babies: Men will be men.” How can a leader not take responsibility? What is the truth?

When a woman is feminist, we picture her as a man-hating lesbian, who chops off men’s penises in other to feed on them with other feminists at the top of aged oak trees. In the real sense, a feminist wants everyone to be treated fairly regardless of sex, and this stems from realising that women, more than men, are short-changed by systemic oppression. Because most of us have the image of a misandrist in our head, we believe a feminist does not want anything sexual or romantic with a man. How is feminism a sexual orientation?

Every day, feminists challenge The Patriarchy, which bequeaths male privileges. Privileges are social cushions. When someone threatens to yank them away from us, we get defensive, and because our minds have mastered the act of mental gymnastics, we interpret their act of checking our privileges as oppression. Queer men who love their male privileges will avoid or fight situations and people who threaten them. They avoid feminists and prey on Princesses of Patriarchy.

As they adamantly hold on to noxious notions society fed us as little girls, leaping into patriarchal situations happen to be the favourite sport of these women who have not divested themselves of their debateable female privileges. Thus, they are easy prey to queer men who want to tap into the benefits accruable to men for performing heterosexuality. “She is not feminist, and so, she is not a man-hater. As she is not a man-hater, she is most definitely not a lesbian or even bisexual.” These men marry these women with their mouths sealed, as honesty is a luxury they cannot afford. Patriarchy lovers are automatically sexist, and most times, sexists are homophobic. (It happens that some feminists are homophobic.) The Patriarchy, which upholds male superiority, is averse to men not presenting and performing masculinity. Explains why effeminate (queer) men suffer bullying: The Patriarchy hates femininity and everything that (should) epitomise it. This is one of the ways feminism intersects with LGBT+ rights.

According to a school of thought, the sexism of Patriarchy Princesses, their internalised misogyny, which often times translates into complicit homophobia, makes them deserving of gay men. Were they not homophobes, their queer husbands would be sincere with them from the onset. Another perspective holds that these men should be held accountable for roping a woman into a marriage situation of which she is unaware.

Feminism is a repellent for queer men who embrace their male privileges. Marrying a queer woman, who is likely feminist, would be an unfavourable situation for him. What other way revel in the cocoon of their privileges if not by entangling an unsuspecting patriarchy-upholding woman into a faux heterosexual marriage?

P.S. This is but one way to look at the issue. Obviously, there are other reasons why queer men wilfully marry heterosexual women without telling them of their sexual orientation. However, I have presented just one perspective.

 Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Cisi Eze is a Lagos-based journalist, writer, comic artist, and graphics designer.She feels strongly about LGBT+ rights, feminism, gender issues, and mental health, and this is expressed through her articles as a guest contributor on Bella Naija, her blog – Shades of Cisi, a podcast she co-presents – We Said It, and an online radio show – Stirring the Waters. Aside these, she has works on Kalahari Review, The Rustin Times, Outcast Magazine, Holaafrica, Mounting the Moon, 14: An Anthology of Queer Art Volume 1 and 2.Cisi’s art challenges existing societal norms.

17 Comments

  1. Confusing

    October 10, 2018 at 5:06 am

    Your article is quite confusing. It started off with a sweet gist but got jumbled up in the middle with feminism and all. Gave me a headache

    • xoxo

      October 10, 2018 at 10:53 am

      Exactly. I got lost in the rambling and skipped a lot of it.But I read the last two lines due to closure issues lol.

    • didi

      October 10, 2018 at 9:16 pm

      No human was born gay or born to masturbate or born to pornography, jesus still believes in your future. I know its not your desire to be gay perhaps you woke up one morning and something changed but please believe God when he made u he had no plan for you to have intercourse with another man. If you want help, come to jesus and receive deliverance, accept him and reach out to a close by christian for counsel, you are loved

  2. Jide

    October 10, 2018 at 6:19 am

    This article is quite incoherent, if well-intentioned. The strangest thing is the idea of feminists as enemies of the patriarchy and queer men as agents of patriarchy as if the homophobia that queer men face is not a result of patriarchy, or as if feminists can’t be homophobic and thereby themselves entrenching patriarchy in the process, or as if that homophobia isn’t a huge part of the pressure that forces men into these things in many cases.

    • whocares

      October 10, 2018 at 1:56 pm

      god!! you are amazing!!! I came here to write the same thing but you beat me to it! you win the internet today. You deserve accolades.
      This was… special? I don’t know why the author assumed that the opposite of not accidentally marrying a gay guy is ‘feminist’ for starters? An in-depth analysis would also point out that the reason a man who recognizes as gay would want to marry a woman is to avoid societal censure- pretty much what Jide said above; so why is the author downplaying this, or not even discussing this at all? If the goal is to maintain male privilege, marriage for a man neither improves or diminishes the privilege a man enjoys either as single or married- so that’s another failed premise here. Do you not want to then question why a man would feel the need to marry then if it neither improves, or diminishes his social standing?
      man, this was kind of disappointing, from both the stereotypical almost description of feminism to the conclusion.
      Not that i support the idea of gay men getting married to women knowing their sexual orientation etc etc, but this is such a simplistic way to present this topic and it does not help anyone in the society at the moment, especially in a society where people already think anyone not heterosexual is of the devil.

  3. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    October 10, 2018 at 10:50 am

    Biko make una alert me when una do research on why they choose unsuspecting straight women when they could just do arranged weddings with fellow lesbians looking to blend into society.

    Each time i ask that question, i basically never get a response and when I do, it doesn’t really make sense to me at all.

    • lola

      October 11, 2018 at 1:06 am

      I’ve often wondered myself. Marriage is supposed to benefit both people. People need to stop and ask themselves am I capable of being a dutiful wife/husband to said person; it’s really just that simple- no need to get overly intellectual.. If you can’t then walk away; it doesn’t matter what is preventing you; it could be sexual orientation; it could be character flaws etc. Why would anyone; not just a woman knowingly walk into a relationship with someone who you know can’t love you? If you take the time to research how these marriages end up you will find that often the hetero-partner is left bruised and battered and the queer partner is miserable. The marriage may sometimes last years, but it almost ends with the LGBTQ person having a late life/midlife crisis and feeling like they’ve paid their dues it’s time to go. Can you imagine the turmoil of putting your all into building a life with someone and they decide to leave? Like you’re in the twilight of your life when you need someone there; they’re gone? Or how about being with someone you don’t love while not being able to be with the one you do? That just seems like disaster. Marriage is hard enough there’s no reason to add this dynamic unless both parties are mutually queer and seeking refuge in each other. I know there’s this push for LGBTQ acceptance but please people let’s be sensible.

  4. AdaAda

    October 10, 2018 at 11:00 am

    To be honest you lost me. The body of the article veered off from the topic. Not what I clicked this article for.

  5. Mondela

    October 10, 2018 at 11:09 am

    Got me confused tòo…but my take is Nigerians need to realise that homophobia stings everyone. That’s why I won’t feel sorry for a woman that ends with a gay man because she herself is part of the homophobic intolerant society that nigeria is. And these weddings will keep happening as you people won’t allow them be themselves. The poster is talking about six weddings this month, there was a number of such weddings last month too including one involving two celebrities…if u know u know lol

    • sisi nnene

      October 10, 2018 at 1:31 pm

      Pray tell…. which celebrities?

    • ilesha

      October 10, 2018 at 2:40 pm

      I kuku know. Women continue, we will continue marrying you, and despite the fact we genuinely do not want to hurt you, eventually na una the thing go pain… but last last we go dey alright. so keep on with the “kill the gays” and this and that. It’s all fun till you discover ur brother, fiancee or husband has been taking it from behind all this while… bella swallow this comment again oh.

  6. Ms CMR

    October 10, 2018 at 11:28 am

    Not following. Please regroup and revise! Are we discussing “Why Gay Men Marry Unsuspecting Hetero Women” or feminism??

  7. by_stander

    October 10, 2018 at 2:00 pm

    Very interesting article Cisi. (for future reference please ensure your educational background is included – i am assuming you studied journalism? )

    To be honest this is something i never thought about probably a lot people too. But i like the way you put the argument forward – what you are saying makes a lot of sense.

    I think as a society we forget or try NOT think about how policies or past actions can influence future behaviour/actions.

    Till this day, there are professions that will not take responsibility for causing the mass casualty disaster we face today. Their argument is that “well life is too complex to blame this on just one thing”

    my response is that it might be too complex for you, but not for people with brains to understand what is happening. You’re sole aim of creating policies in the first place, is to influence behaviour. But since you didn’t accountant for the bad outcomes of your bad policies now life is too complex?

    If life is too complex why the f**k are you and your small brain (with no science background) trying to influence it?

    This article is deep in meaning. And the only way i can put it in plain english right now is that foregoing the inalienable rights of human beings, we built a society with policies that forces these men to have to make a decision – turns out the systemic bias places straight women as a low hanging fruit in their decision making process.

    Hence the outcome, which will probably lead to hiring expensive lawyers and or going to court.

    funny how everything always ends with us needing to pay for the service of a lawyer. (its almost like they try to build a customer base for every speciality in their field)

    what’s even funnier is how people do not realise there are no disincentive/limits to stop them from having us always having to need their services. in fact the more bad policies that infringe on the inalienable rights of human beings the richer they get. i’ll argue this is the only industry left that has capacity for mass effect on the lives of people and zero consequences for causing mass disasters.

    And in a less philosophically developed societies like ours the effects are devastating. we don’t have scholas/academics to challenge these people and their bad ideas. People that will explain their madness in plain english.

    infact when on a rare occasion our great minds come out to offers us insight in an area, they speak English like Cisi.

    How many people wan sabi patriarchy? When some adults still never know oesophagus.

    Wetin she dey take be sey:
    person wey like to dey chop banana, you carry all banana commot fence am, you talk sey you go jail anybody wey chop banana. you come carry apple leave for table and e dey see everybody dey take chop, them even write put on top apple say “special offers” .. no be sey e like apple oh, but wetin e 4 do?

    Person wey come like apple sef come dey ask see na who chop apple like this na no finish am come leave for table where dey spoil our apple rest them?
    Another person wey like apply come talk sey “na true oh i chop one apple wey bitter i never taste apple like that, na all these people wey dey chop apple any how leave put for for table”.

    Where there was once order of people that liked apple and people that liked bananas – there is now disorder and even the people that like apple can not enjoy their apple. They will blame it on a lot of things – bad seed, weather etc

    but they will never remember the first guy that said “nobody is allowed to eat bananas anymore” why? because they are apple lovers that never imagined other people different to themselves exist.

    The banana lovers will never speak up because its been said that any banana lover will be jailed.

    This is the simplified version though in real life it can be more “complex” than that. – if only Maslow was alive to read this, he would probably reply “LOL”

    • larz

      October 11, 2018 at 10:39 am

      No need to sound so condescending. Having a background in journalism is all the more reason to be able to write articles that is easy to comprehend by the average public.

      I think I have read a few more of Cisi’s articles before that were much more easier to comprehend. This is not a technical and shouldnt be that difficult to comprehend.

      Dear Cisi: like most people here have said, your article started off on a light informal note and then got unnecessarily complex. Also, I think the transition (or link) between gay men marrying unsuspecting straight woman vs feminist wasnt firmly established and left people more confused. I personally found myself asking midway through the text if this was the same article I started reading. You have written tons of amazing pieces and I am sure you will write some more.

  8. Aare

    October 10, 2018 at 5:08 pm

    Disappointing, sounds like intellectual masturbation and like others have mentioned poorly written. The p.s. should be at the beginning.

  9. Simple Answer

    October 11, 2018 at 10:50 am

    Why gay men marry unsuspecting hetero-women? Because they are deceitful.

  10. lola

    October 15, 2018 at 9:41 pm

    Bella please post my comment! You didn’t post the last one and that’s bad form.

    I get it! Haha- it took a second pass; I think I jumped to judgement because I’m sick of being told how I should feel on the issue. BUT!

    The article is pretty much saying a queer man marries a hetero woman to maintain power/privilege in the relationship. Chances are the hetero woman will try to maintain the typical family structure and keep him( the queer man ) as the leader of the household- I’m guessing he wants to maintain that power so he can have the comfort of the “perfect” family while maintaining his male lover. Except the home won’t be perfect ( the kids will be damaged bc daddy has a lover besides mommy; and they will eventually find out) and the poor women will have more than doubled her chances of contracting HIV( No it’s not a gay disease; but numbers don’t lie; the prevalence is really high amongst men that have sex with men so be careful ladies!

    He basically doesn’t have the balls to marry someone as slippery as him( the queer female/feminist) lol. I guess I get it; but
    by the article’s words; the queer man that chooses to marry a hetero woman is extremely selfish; and in his desire to manipulate a relationship for only his benefit without regard to the woman’s health both mental and physical is also extremely dangerous.

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