If there is one trick that has worked over the years, it is the promise of marriage and the ancient trick of sweet name-calling. Iyawo wa, our wife, our in-law, amarya, nwunye anyi are few of the names that ladies have been called – just to give them the illusion of a happy ever-after and make them feel secure in their relationship.
Has a guy ever tried to woo you using the lines: “I’m not here for long term relationship or to just mess around, I want to marry you as my wife and spend the rest of my life with you”? Ahah! That’s exactly what we’re talking about. While some men may be genuine and may truthfully be considering marriage, this line has been so used by players that one can hardly tell who’s lying or who’s telling the truth.
In many cases, the “I want to marry you” line is not just said, it is usually accompanied by “my mum cannot wait to see you”, “after you spoke with my mum, she told me that if I don’t marry you, she’ll disown me”, “my whole family just loves you, they said you’re the perfect woman for me”. The idea behind all these words is to make you lose your guard and feel like you’re already part of the family.
It doesn’t end there, their friends are usually accomplices. They are the ones who chant “our wife” immediately they see you coming. They will even hug you join. While they may not be inherently interested in your relationship or whether or not you marry their friend, they are more concerned about keeping their friendship with your partner – at your detriment – and being in your good book, mostly because of those delicious meals you cook or other favours they receive from you.
More often than not, a lot of women have been lured into a terrible relationship/marriage by the promise of marriage. There’s a general belief that once a man starts talking about marriage or talks about spending the rest of his life with a woman, then he must be genuine – the one with the best of intentions for you.
But that is not always the case.
A lot of people are manipulative and manipulative people always have the right words to trick people into believing that they are genuine. What manipulative people do is that they study you, know your foibles and what you are desperate to have, then they use it against you. For instance, if you are a woman who is desperate to get married – probably due to age, pressure, because women in your circle are already married, or for any other reason – they approach you with the “I want to marry you” scope. If you are the type that depends on the validation of his family members, then they’ll come with the “my mother really loves you” or “come and stay in my family house so they’ll get used to you” scope.
At the end of the day, this whole scope is then gradually backed by terrible behaviours, different forms of abuse and a lack of commitment – all while still assuring you that all they’re doing is because of love and for your own good. Most times, the women don’t want to leave because these men are the ‘serious ones’ and there’s this fear that you might not quickly find someone else who’s serious and ready to ‘settle down’, especially if you wish to get married very soon.
The ‘I can’t wait to marry you’ manipulators make you believe that they are the best partner for you – even when they are clearly not the right fit for you. They have an explanation for every misdemeanor, and they make you believe that putting up with their shit is a small price to pay for what you’ll get in return – marriage.
How do you recognize these time-wasters?
They have nothing to offer you, so they keep wasting your time until you realise this and eventually leave them alone. This was the plan all along.
If you are in a relationship with a partner who lacks commitment, that’s your clue to leave. If you are also with someone who takes and takes without giving you anything in return, then you need to leave as soon as you can. Giving, in this context, is not about money, it encompasses everything – finances, time, emotional stability, and so on. The ‘I want to marry you geng’ are like ticks – they suck and suck and eventually leave you dry.
These people are also full of promises and flattery. They are the ones who have the grandest wedding plan and the most exotic honeymoon location. Whenever you raise the issue of getting married, they come up with excuses: “oh baby, you know I’ll marry you right now if I could, but I want to give you the best. I want us to get married on the sea and have our honeymoon in the air. You deserve only the best.” Yinmu.
So what should you do?
Sisi, dust your shoes and leave. It is still important not to be with someone who wastes your time, because at the end of the day, if you don’t dump him, he’ll dump you when he’s gotten all he wants.
Most times, it’s the fear of not meeting a better person that keeps most women stuck to that unproductive relationship. When you let go of your fear and step out of your relationship, you’ll realise that that ya guy no try for you at all, and you had just been wasting your time all along. Don’t think twice or try to rationalise his behaviour. Leave.
Place value on yourself and know who you are. It is only then that people will not swindle you with the talk of marriage. Recognise that marriage is not the ultimate and it is prudent to remain unmarried until you meet a partner who matches your value. Don’t stick around a person just because they look ready for marriage; you’ll end up waiting for a really long time.
You deserve better and marriage is not a prize for sticking with staying in a relationship that does not allow you thrive, or bring out your best self.