BN Hot Topic: Single + Pregnant = Married ?

Posted on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 12:10 PM

By BellaNaija.com

The pregnant bride is nothing new. Growing up, I remember many ‘aunties’ who had suspiciously large stomachs on their wedding days. Even closer to home, doing some simple arithmetic on your parent’s wedding anniversary and birth date of the first child might yield surprising results. That said, with improved methods of contraception, risk factors such as STDs and HIV, increased religious consciousness and other factors, why is this trend on the rise?

An informal poll amongst friends yielded the following results on the different reasons behind the trend:

1. Long-term girlfriends who have been waiting for him to pop the question, since he is ‘dulling’, they slyly stop using contraception and get pregnant with the belief that he will propose. This also applies to men. In their cases, if for whatever reason (demanding career, school etc..), their girlfriend is not ready to get married, they devise ways to get her pregnant so that they can get married immediately. You might be surprised (or maybe not) to hear that some mothers and friends advice their children/friends to go with this especially when they are getting ‘old’.

2. Some men insist that their girlfriends get pregnant before they get married. Once the pregnancy occurs, wedding plans are hastily arranged. Supposedly this is done to so the couple will ‘know’ that they do not have fertility issues. 

3. Engaged couples who feel that because they are already engaged and the date has been set, they might as well start ‘trying’ immediately.

4. Couples in relationships using contraception but as the small print says, no form of contraception is 100% foolproof, therefore, ‘mistakes’ can happen. Wanting to ‘do the right thing’, they get married.

5. Couples who decide to take a walk on the ‘wildside’ and chose not to use contraception then act surprised when they get pregnant.

6. ‘Special People’ aka they’ve got ISSUES: Guys who have no qualms about getting women pregnant and then denying/running away or just keeping a collection of babymamas. Girls who are for the lack of a better word, desperate. Looking for a (preferably wealthy) guy to lock down. In this case, the guys eventually get pressured into marrying one of their baby mamas. The girls eventually find one guy to put on lock down.

Before, we proceed, please stop making that judgmental ‘side-eye’, if you are sexually active, No 4 could potentially happen to anyone…Ok, you can apply the side-eye to No. 6 because they’ve got ISSUES.

We all know that marriage is not an easy cruise, neither is being a parent but it can work both ways. Some people have found themselves in this situation and have fulfilling and happy marriages while for some, its a recipe for disaster.

Anyway, what do you think about this rising trend? Any advise for couples in this situation? Did you experience it, tell us about it. Have you been advised to go down this road? Lets TALK!

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  • 58 Comments on “BN Hot Topic: Single + Pregnant = Married ?”

    Comments
    • Dionne January 16, 2009 at 12:37 PM

      Yup, was preggers when i got married. It wasnt planned. We had a really strong relationship anyway and took it within our stride. I believe every young married couple has challenges but having a child very early into the marriage adds a new dimension. It was really hard for hubby to adjust from being a bubbling single guy wit no plans of marriage to a husband and a daddy in a few short months. I believe he resented me a little in d beginning, he didnt help with any of the feeding, changing etc.. but I was very patient and prayerful, with time, he adjusted and we are still together and very happy. Our son is the light of our lives and it was well worth it. I dont advice anyone to PLOT and plan to lock any guy down. your conscience will hold u random.

    • Dionne January 16, 2009 at 12:41 PM

      Random=ransom

    • anonymous kan January 16, 2009 at 2:14 PM

      I admit, option 1 was me. After 7 years of dating, mister was still telling me stories of not being ready to get married (he was in med school etc..). I was already 33 so I reasoned that i just couldnt afford to waste anymore time so I started plotting. Eventually got pregnant, he was actually calm and happy about it. He didnt propose, he said we should stay together and he would accept the responsibility but that categorically he was not ready to be married. I brought my family and his into the matter, eventually he caved into the pressure but believe me major damage had been done at that point. The trust was lost, he felt tht i deceived him etc. we are ok now but it has taken major marriage counselling to get to this point

    • Cee January 16, 2009 at 6:39 PM

      I think the write up has highlighted the issues. As a christian, I don’t subscribe to premarital sex but in all honesty, in the four years that I dated Mr hubby, we ‘fell’ twice. I guess, I could have gotten pregnant on those two occasions so I don’t look down on people who get pregnant during courtship. However, I will say two things, 1, God’s word is STILL the standard for Christian living (hard as it may seem) and that means NO to premarital sex. 2., I still regret not waiting ‘properly’ and I still feel bad that I let God down.

      As for those who are foolish enough to use it as a tool to hold the man down…what if the man still doesn’t marry you? What next? You live with the fact that you created a one-parent family for your child. Nah, that’s too much of a gamble, beside any man that truly loves you WILL marry you, even without sex. Why take that assurance away?

      Before I go, the last thing I must mention is, I do feel like if I could have waited for the first two years and then another one year, I definitely could have waited for four years. The Devil is a liar!

      Finally, finally, there are so many people who are still opting to wait esp. in Naija, don’t be fooled by our ‘elite and exposed’ crowd. If they can do it, believe me, everyone else can.

    • bebee January 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM

      tuface falls into #6 lol

    • bebee January 16, 2009 at 6:55 PM

      Dionne true talk!tanx for sharing

    • yinka January 16, 2009 at 7:50 PM

      i am plotting at the moment and i’ll live with the regrets if any.Haba!i have seen my friends do it and it worked.I have my guys mum on my side and we are counting,not after 4 years of waiting for the “right time”.All our friends are married!My man won’t just let us do it.He wants to be very stable financially before we do it.I’m tired of waiting.At 33!

    • nkechi January 16, 2009 at 7:55 PM

      if you want to get pregnant, its your own body… parents just fulfill their duty by tellng you at a young age that ur ‘pp’ is only for your husband or wife!!! but once ur eyes have opened and u do the do, u just have to try and cover it up!!!
      chicks getting pregnant for rich dudes is stale gist, fiancees gettin preggers to see if they r fertile is prevalent in many cultures, more traditional parents (less religious) usually dont bat an eyelid if you’re engaged. i just wish people will realise they risk bringing in a HUMAN BEING into the world when they dont protect themselve, trust me, if you remnded ur guy about the cost of
      GRANGE/CORONA school fees plus summers in jand, shopping with the kids in harrods, and that twins r common in ur family(!) when he insists on riding without an umbrella, then the trend may reverse.

    • Nneka January 16, 2009 at 8:35 PM

      ….”that twins r common in ur family(!) “…..

      hilarious talk!! in the heat of it all my dear, even that one no dey work…. later he will say, “but bu you didn’t mention now”….lol

      Nice one though.

      Nice topic. I’ll definitely be returning to read other interesting comments, especially from the ‘been-theres’ in our midst. Thanks for sharing!

    • Fran January 16, 2009 at 8:51 PM

      ITA with Cee. Regardless of what the situation is there is no justification for trying to lockdown a man with a child, especially with the possibility of it backfiring. On the other hand, how about a guy that waits, gets married and then tells you doesn’t want to have kids…what do you do? As a wife I knew what to do to have a child, I did and guess what…he left.

    • myalteregoisayanna January 16, 2009 at 11:54 PM

      LOL…Pregnancy can NEVER lock a man down if he isn’t ready. If he does it, he will resent you for it and I have seen a 6year relationship break because the chic got preggers. The guy just wasn’t ready and the kiddo is 5 years old now..Think about it very well and best of luck!

    • am January 17, 2009 at 12:16 AM

      Like my parents and most of my family has done…..wait till the marriage its just easier that all the uneccessary/miserable/unpredictable outcomes. My church will vex if you’re pregnant because its seen as hypocrisy by christians (thou shalt no….)

      I’m too young for marriage talk but I’m 100% sure I don’t intend to be active or get preggers until dude has sealed the deal….at least I get alimony not child support if he bails.

    • cee cee January 17, 2009 at 12:48 AM

      So funny….just had dinner with my girls and one is planning on traping a dude as we speak!!! Her parents are in on it!!! I always tell everyone that the moment you sleep with someone, you may be looking into the eye of your future babymama or papa so choose wisely. I did not fall into any category listed. Married, was not planning to have kids until later but gbeshed(lol) with no CD’s and now carrying a bundle of joy!!! Nothing happens b4 it’s time abeg…all the risky gbeshing i did with long term boyfriends and nothing (thank God..hallelujah…hosanna…LOL)…

    • Banke! January 17, 2009 at 12:53 AM

      Lol…funny

    • Qed January 17, 2009 at 1:14 AM

      harrods all the way 4 d kids, na wa oh!

    • Qed January 17, 2009 at 1:37 AM

      funny thing!!! my mum called this week to advice me on this issue… i just wondered out of all the important things in this world, look at what this woman has come up with today. Unknown to me that was not the full gist my aunt is preggies for some dude simply cos she feels she doent have time and the last dude she dated for years was dulling her.
      Dont totally blame her i still think she could have waited, cos God makes everything perfect in his own time…though but he’s always got our backs when he denies us of somethings…like my bags..lol

    • Qed January 17, 2009 at 1:39 AM

      funny thing!!! my mum called this week to advice me on this issue… i just wondered out of all the important things in this world, look at what this woman has come up with today. Unknown to me that was not the full gist my aunt is preggies for some dude simply cos she feels she doent have time and the last dude she dated for years was dulling her.
      Dont totally blame her i still think she could have waited, cos God makes everything perfect in his own time…though but he’s always got our backs when he denies us of somethings…like my bag..lol

    • paris January 17, 2009 at 7:07 AM

      4&5 seem very “Paris-able”. lol um i mean accidents happen abi?

      #3..um maybeeeee! depends on my age @ d time or other circumstances surrounding d engagement.

      As 4 trapping a guy with a baby, i used 2 view that as probably d most desperate thing a chick can do. however as i grow older, the saying “na condition dey make crayfish bend” is beginning 2 make alot more sense 2 me.
      truth is u never know!
      for some pple, it has worked and for some it hasnt. the birth of a baby makes some relationships stronger and in some cases, actually breaks d relationship.
      i say do what u gotta do…. but just bear in mind that it is risky. it may work in ur favor but its not guaranteed.

      On the other hand, any guy that insists his chick gets preggo b4 they hit d altar needs 2 get his head examined. why would i even want 2 marry a local champ like that?? i believe there are fertility tests??

      as for 6, erm yea no comment abeg…

    • myalteregoisayanna January 17, 2009 at 11:19 AM

      ROTFL

    • eggo January 17, 2009 at 1:08 PM

      each to their own. A child always a blessing from God. some have done it the right way and suffered later on… some do it the wrong way and learn. there always is a reason for everything although the patience that is virtue should ultimately be upheld a s all good things come to those who wait.
      ps; i didn’t wait, suffered a little bit hugely compensated for the beauty that is my son. i cannot and never see him as a wrong. something so miraculous can never be a ‘wrong’ its an eye opener an oppurtunity to right many wrongs and appreciate the gift of life and procreation regardless of the process you used to get there in the first instance. God and Love rules. Mistakes can always be corrected…

    • dez January 17, 2009 at 1:27 PM

      i’m not one who will rush into marriage cause i fall pregnant but bein pregnant n single is not an ideal situation to be in.
      so yes if a woman is pregnant n the man is willing to step up and do the right thing y not.
      society needs to change a bit though cause a man makin u pregnant doesn’t necessarily mean he will be a good dad or husband so women should not b pressured into marrying the baby daddy just because………

    • Chika Moses January 17, 2009 at 11:31 PM

      AMEN SISTA! I had a friend who got dumped after she’d been CONNED into giving birth to two daughters. Her husband to be was into sons and wanted to make sure she could birth them. Foolish man didn’t know that the Y chromosome from his DNA was responsible for that. Anyway, after two girls, his family decided to take their business elsewhere. Talk about SCUM! No, don’t fall victims to numbers 1 and 2… or numbers 5 and 6 either. Any guy who suggests a pregnancy first is trying to con you!

    • shawty January 18, 2009 at 8:48 AM

      @ cee cee, ure a VERY lucky gal!
      lol @ yinka, pele dear…mayb u need to mount a live-sized “biological clock” in the living room…time is goin o! lol.
      in my opinion, nurin is worse dan marraige “just because” the babe is preggers!! REAL life, current example: the guy’s trapped into doin the right thing and months down the line, tho she produced a bundle of joy, ur life is full of pain…u dnt sleep with her (her coochie dont av no magic no more..lol), there’s no peace, its quarrels everyday wen u eventualli get home (u stay out till evening for ur sanity), its bitchin’ on every fone call, its money goin down d drain (u dnt c the evidence of any of ur thousands). ure stuck in dat unhappy place for the REST OF UR LIFE cos of ur lovli daughter who deserves bera and cos pple (awon aye) will talk!
      haba!!

    • Nma January 19, 2009 at 12:49 PM

      Amen to that! Glad to see that there r pple still living out the christian life. I am there with u…tho hard, but by grace it is very doable.

    • Bibi January 19, 2009 at 5:38 PM

      Im so feeling this topic bcos i happen to be part of this subject…..been dating this man for almost four yrs,and he’s introduced me to his folks and from wat i perceive,i think they like me and they have asked him when the formal family introduction is going to be,but funny enough,the bobo in question has been changing and postponing date since last march.The bubble bursted when i took in last christmas and all he could tell me was,he didnt think we are compartible…..After series of questioning,wanting to know wat i did wrong,i found out there was another girl in his life and that was when i made up my mind to let him go……Im not happy im going to be a single mum,but i believe im better off without him,and the thot of a baby in my womb gives me all the joy i need..His family came to my house this year to show their support and love for me,but he wasnt there with them……I dont think its right to marry a man just bcos u r preggy….marry for the right reasons!!!!!!and i know this is not the end for me,its only the beginning of better things to come…..Never be discouraged if u fall victim,just keep being positive in all u do…….pls wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!

      • Pencil October 27, 2010 at 10:02 AM

        I am a guy and I am married. Your story made tears well up in my eyes, some dudes are extremely spineless. I admire your positive outlook to life and may God reward you greatly with a lovely and blessed child and more importantly, a wonderful man. Take care darling. You are blessed.

    • niola January 19, 2009 at 6:34 PM

      wow bibi!!God bless…it definitely the beginning of good things

    • Bella January 20, 2009 at 8:39 AM

      God will guide your steps! You are not raising the child alone. You have God, your family and your ex’s family as well. Your positivity is really inspiring!!

    • Kpakpando January 20, 2009 at 3:32 PM

      I noticed that a good number of the brides in the 12 featured weddings were visibly pregnant or have since proven they were pregnant on that day. At first I was like “hmm, I wonder how many of them leveraged these pregnancies to speed up marriage plans…” but then I remembered that e no consain me.

      In this day and age, everyone has to do what works best for them, because at the end of the day, you alone will sleep in the bed you made. If that means that you get pregnant to force your parents to finally allow the guy to marry you, then good on you too or if you wait exactly 2 years after marriage to have a child, then good on you too. Hopefully you don’t shortchange your children who had no say in the matter.

    • Bibi January 20, 2009 at 5:47 PM

      Thank u bella

    • Bibi January 20, 2009 at 5:48 PM

      Thank u Niola..

    • lolla January 21, 2009 at 5:35 PM

      wow..!!! i feel u , u don’t marry for frivolous reasons but for right reasons, like a friend of mine wud always say that for her marriage is like a life sentence so y go into what you would not find peace in, no matter the reasons, ad an aunt that was forced to marry a guy cos she was pregnant for him, now she’s out of it with three kids all for her to take care of. I pray for you that God will bring the one he’s destined for you. Take care

    • Beekay January 21, 2009 at 6:31 PM

      I didnt hav 2 pop in b4 I percieved wot dem folks reaction would b lik on dis very fantastic issue. But I must confess Bibi almost stole d show.
      Bibi, its so courageous of u 2 share ur experience with others and bliv it or not, ur man is on his way(I mean a man not a baby boy lik ur last).

      Personally, dis is one of d reasons why I am afraid of commiting myself sexually when am not lookin at a ‘potential wife’. I agree with cee cee “the moment u sleep with someone u may b lookin into d eyes of ur future babymama or papa”. So be certain he or she is d one b4 u ‘boil’.

    • tonpe January 22, 2009 at 4:01 AM

      really!!i didnt notice that any of dem brides was visibly pregnant o

    • Chima Becky January 24, 2009 at 11:12 AM

      this topic wakes me up from my my oldies when i planned on trapping a dude with preggy. i never knew it was going to backfire to my benefit. my girlfriend gave him a hint and he took to his heels. …….of course i was getting worked up with staying single and turning 30 soon. pls dont blame me. since thirtee oldies girlies in naija understands the pressures.

    • babychayo January 29, 2009 at 11:06 PM

      Ah, my mama was preggy with me wen dey got married o..infact they wedded in april she had me in july…their excuse is that they already had the traditional marriage a yr before..whatever!

    • Chaley Fresh January 30, 2009 at 2:56 AM

      what? traditional marriage doesn’t count?

    • curvy February 9, 2009 at 12:31 PM

      i am currently working on this. he is dulling so i know i feotus will speedingly cause him to put a ring on it!

      Dont judge me!

    • Kpakpando February 9, 2009 at 8:57 PM

      To loosely quote Beyonce “If he likes it’s, then he’ll put a ring on it.” A fetus isn’t going to speed anything but a thickened waist line.

      Don’t use a child as a weapon of coercion o! What makes you think he’s the man God created you for? Why force a situation, it might not be for you in the first place. They’re so many women, I’m sure you know of one or two, who used belle to enter their husband’s house and now wish they never married the a-hole in the first place. Dikwa careful!

      Or what happens if you get pregnant and he decides he no do again? You’re ready to be a baby mama abi? You want to be fighting him and his future chicks like Pero Adeniyi is doing now abi?

      Or what happens if you get pregnant and you find out something you never knew about him before, like he’s already married or that he’s actively bisexual? What then?

    • dara February 16, 2009 at 10:03 PM

      I have never believed that one has to be married before having children. Your children are yours for life and being married does not make a difference. Couples that live together in harmony can raise a family just as well as couples that are married. I am kind of sick of hearing some friends my age saying they wish thay had a child but they can’t because they aren’t married, meanwhile they have had 55 abortions. And some have told me they won’t abort only when they have their marriage license. What a crock of BS! The whole idea is crazy to me! I hope one day people will throw this tradition out of the door. And please note that I am not saying a woman should have 50 children by 48 men either, just that if you are in a solid relationship and you aren’t married but wanna have children, go ahead!

    • Elle Woods February 18, 2009 at 6:55 PM

      lol..awon big girls……it will daze the plotters how it will backfire in your face.
      Naija girls!!! I gast to be married by force.

    • Omo-Oba February 18, 2009 at 7:07 PM

      Are u ladies kidding me? Wow!!! i am speechless from what i’m reading. Why stoop that low for some frivolous person. If he’s not ready…get the stepping and hit the road. And must you get married to a Nigerian??? Gees!!!!

    • Omo-Oba February 18, 2009 at 7:16 PM

      Lol @ awon big girls…..yoruba girls mehn! i fear una o :)

    • ronny March 4, 2009 at 10:31 AM

      what a pity, our Nigerian women is going through tough time at the moment and this is caused by the so called “CAREER ” imagining if you are not a graduate and earning good pay our young men will not date you except you are from a wealthy home where they can milk you dry. I have married for about 2yrs + and took in last year and lost the preg in Nov 2008 and age is tinkly. At times I think back that I should have had my baby at early age but where would I belong? with WAESC! Never. Or to marry one local guy that does not have regard for women anyway am enjoying my hubby that understand.

    • bibi March 5, 2009 at 8:19 PM

      I say a big amen….thanks lola

    • jennietobbie March 9, 2009 at 8:54 PM

      Omo-Oba, I am feeling you. Geezzzzzzz!!!! Are we turning to Non-Africans again? Haba….Marriage is not everything please. If you need a man to validate who you are, then you have a serious problem in the current world. Get a life and be yourself. I can’t believe I am reading this…..really!!!!!!!!!!!

    • jennietobbie March 9, 2009 at 8:56 PM

      ezigbote dikwa careful…hahahahaha

      You gat it Kpakpando

    • jennietobbie March 9, 2009 at 9:01 PM

      Go girllllll. All the best. At least you are a real woman by leaving instead of fighting over him. That’s a real diva here.

      Like you said….good riddance to bad rubbish…that is the end for a new better beginning. Muahhhhhhhhhh

      All the best……and to your child too

    • alero March 26, 2009 at 12:34 PM

      U are in my heart….God is ur strength. As they say everything happen for a reason, wen it happens u first of all think u have failed but ur blessings is still ahead. U will look back in future i thank God, i pray that you wont look back in regret in Jesus name. God bless u and ur child. Put God first and everything will be alrite….one love

    • peju April 2, 2009 at 4:22 PM

      well traditional marriage does count! i tink!

    • peju April 2, 2009 at 4:28 PM

      Wish u all the best gurl, he wasnt man enuf 4 u in d first place!
      God bless real good na ur child too!

    • Tai April 29, 2009 at 12:43 PM

      Uhmn, Bibi’s situation is a real food for thot… i’m happy she’s got it all together… that guy would have been a real bone in throat…happy she could let go… it’s a pity she couldn’t find out earlier… maybe ladies might try a fake preggy before getting a real one… i don’t have liver for either…
      I checked my parents up too…married in september, i was born in october… mum says her dad said ” no pregnancy no marriage”…. uhmn… what can i say.

    • mikel May 21, 2009 at 11:33 AM

      never use pregnancy as an excuse to enter into marriage,i’m begging u .it is those that have being to war that can tell how the bloodbath looks…there is time for everything my sister.if indeed he is yours,he will surely wait for you.that’s what love meant.remember that love is not selfish…

    • anonymous May 21, 2009 at 2:16 PM

      Speaking from the perspective of someone whose Mom tried to trick her Dad into marriage by getting preggers…you don’t wanna go down there. Trust me, it has far reaching ramifications on you, the guy, extended family and the child in question if your plan doesnt work out. I’ve read peeps talking about how their friends did it and it worked…trust me honey thats the exception and not the rule. Most often than not, your hitherto loving and caring bobo will look you in the face and tell you point-blank ‘I am not getting married’ (Men as we know are very stubborn, indepedent creatures) So what then? The best case scenario is you trying to bring up the child on your own which means you end up depriving your child (who by the way did not consent to being used for your cunning devices) of having two loving parents living together as one family. As for me, if I happen to ‘mistakenly’ fall into No 4 and the guy no gree, I know what I will do… Dont judge me!

    • mamaolisa July 9, 2009 at 11:24 AM

      @curvy… i judge you die! make i no judge you gini? Dont come and suffer some poor kid when you realise marriage is not a bed of roses. Marriage can be crazy even if you are married to your best friend not to talk of someone you had to ‘coerce’ into it. The guy will resent you like mad!
      And maybe you should ask yourself – why is he dulling? He just may not be into you.

    • fruity February 23, 2010 at 4:37 AM

      trust me, most girls i’ve seen that hooked thier guys thro pregnancy r not enjoynin their marriage, i’ve seen it happen 2 some1 close

    • haddy February 27, 2010 at 3:06 AM

      It’s a pity! This whole issue is confusing! If you are in a strong relationship and d man wants to prove your fertility before marriage nko? Also if you are getting old without an issue and no man is proposing wetin lady fit do now? You go try now no bi so?

    • dele October 24, 2010 at 11:56 AM

      gosh when i read all your comments i was bursting with laughter,but i realized you were all honest, thanx for that.