Hawaii or Alaska…Where are you headed?
Posted on Sunday, November 22nd, 2009 at 5:59 amBy Ekene Onu
We had an interesting conversation. She was telling me about a man who had come on the scene but he had a few hiccups or commas or red flags. She had asked me for advice about whether or not she should proceed with this man. He had many of the qualities that she wanted but he also had many of the flaws she desperately wanted to avoid. I listened to her, this brilliant, compassionate, solid woman, someone who I often turned to for counsel, tell me her reasons for considering this man. She kept talking and I kept asking questions and then she said something that I love her for. She broke it down honestly. “I am not getting any younger and it’s not like I have a lot of prospects, so maybe I should just take what is in front of me”. I was so glad when she put it plainly because here was something we could deal with.
I couldn’t tell her whether or not he would be a good man because only God knows a man’s heart…and even the bible tells us it can be desperately wicked.
I couldn’t tell her if she would be happy with him, even couples who profess undying love at the wedding day sometimes hate each other later.
I could tell her though that the smoke one sees when dating, typically becomes a well stoked fire in marriage.
I could tell her that those red flags usually become flashing sirens later on.
I could tell her that I loved her enough not to want her to suffer unnecessarily.
I asked her to picture herself in an airport and her marriage a destination. Where would she like to go? Perhaps she thought of a picturesque place like Hawaii; a destination known for its beaches and tropical flavor. Perhaps she had packed a bikini and sunglasses for her trip.
Now I wanted her to picture the departure board. All the flights to Hawaii were delayed until further notice. None of the airline staff had any information, except that they knew that corporate planned to send the planes. People seemed to be boarding planes all around her, but when she looked the only available flight she could get on was headed directly to Alaska and it was leaving soon.
What to do? She is not packed for Alaska. She doesn’t even like snow. But it’s the only available flight. Maybe she could learn to like snow, maybe she could buy a parka over there. Don’t they have like a month of summer?
All these thoughts rush through her head.
I asked her, is there some apocalyptic event happening at the airport. If you don’t board the plane, is your life in danger?
Because there was one other thing I knew for sure. The plane to Alaska will never go to Hawaii.
As for her questions, well she could maybe buy a parka. I know many women (and men for that matter) who are in marriages that are difficult because the parties involved were prepared for different experiences and somehow found themselves on the wrong plane. She could learn to like snow, certainly probably after many cold nights, after all I also know marriages that seemed doomed from the start eventually after much heartache and God’s intervention become sweet and loving.
The point of all this is simply this. I love my friend and so I shared with her what I want to share with you. Marriage is not a simple, uncomplicated affair. Even when you are perfectly matched you may find challenges and when you are not if can be a Herculean task to make it work and it will not come without a great deal of heartache and pain. So I know the wait may seem endless and it seems like your partner isn’t out there. I want to encourage you to wait for what you know in your heart that you want and need, as long as those wants are not based on superficial nonsense but rooted in reality and come from true introspection, then wait.
I know the screen says delayed. I know you don’t have any information as to when it is coming. I know you have a wave of panic welling up inside of you.
But please know this, if you get on the plane bound for the wrong destination, that’s it. You are on the plane. The pilot will not stop and let you get off. And you may be thinking well I’ll just get divorced. Not as easy as folks make it look, like two pieces of paper that are stuck together can rarely be separated without one or both of them ripping, most people do not get out of divorces completely intact and without some serious and possibly life changing pain and consequences.
Please wait for what you want. Yes, I’m on the other side. So I should have credibility, I know exactly what shade of green the grass is here and I know just how many weeds there are too.
Wait, and while you are waiting, look around you…it’s a nice airport, state of the art, they have a lounge where you can get facials and massages, the best restaurants and the shopping is freaking awesome!
Love you. Be well.
Photo Credit: Esquire
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I thought this was a brilliant article. Even though I’m in my early 20’s, many of my friends are already feeling stressed that they haven’t found “the one” yet. But at the end of the day, isn’t it worth waiting if it means you’ll find that true love? After all, when you compromise, you only cheat yourself. While I wait, I take the time to better myself and get closer to God, so that when that person comes, I am 100% complete and ready to share my love with them.
I like this article. I pray the good Lord will take place in our hearts, as the bible says everything has a season. We should not be fazed by these marriage issues, instead we should invest in making ourselves available for God to perfect all the imperfections in our life and make us ready for d ONE. Marriage is not full of bed n roses, so dont get it twisted, it takes 2 tango.
@ Sherri…I am male and would have to disagree with you. You say you are newly married so I’m guessing you are just into it. I’ve been married for a while and can really relate with the analogy. Marriage is a trip, it’s the rest of your life and you ain’t travelling alone. Think of the destination as what you want your marriage to be like and then you will be able to relate to the story.
No one is saying wait and be idle…or that you have to marry at a particular age or its all over. What’s being said is if you are going to marry, best you get it right first time. Believe me there’s nothing more horrible than being stuck in an essence sucking marriage coupled with the emotional stress of maintaining a facade of all being well.
WHOEVER YOU ARE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU!
I WISH THE ENTIRE WORLD COULD GET A PIECE OF THIS WRITING. YOU COULD’NT HAVE PUT IT ANY BETTER.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND MARRIAGE FOR THIS HONEST TRUTH.
the analogy is ludicrous!
marriage is not a destination nor is it a vacation.
any avid traveller will attest to the fact that no matter how great the amenities it has or how nice a airport may be, you can’t wait to board your flight to your destination.
and the “waiting for a mate” just piques me!
that implies females putting their life on hold and waiting for the magical man to show up! in this day and age? what the heck for?
come on ladies, we need to stand up to society and refused to be fed the age old crap about the need to be married by a certain age or the need to be married period! we can define and chart the course of our own lives.
i am not anti marriage, as i am newly married.
so true marriage is not, has never been a destination its rather a journey you embark on and along the way you learn alot you make mistakes you correct them and for the records no one forces you into t you choose to be there.and for petes sake can we women stop giving excuses the truth is we all want to be married someday.nobody puts pressure on you if you do not want it.am at an age where they say ladies start getting pressured guess what no pressure here am not giving a hoot because if and when i marry it has to be for love and all the right reasons my parents only got seperated by death and i know what love and happiness means
OK i dont think the artcile is saying wait and do nothing. Like she menntioned while waiting shop (plug in “casually date people”), get a massage (plug in “agree to go on dates your friends set up”), get a facial (plug in “attend singles fellowships”)
So you see, waiting for your flight to Hawaii does not mean you will sit in your chair and wait for prince charming to come and scoop you up on his provate jet.
The truth is “I can do bad on my own”. I will rather be single dealing with heartache from only my issues, than married dealing with double trouble. And when i say heartache, i am not refering to the trails of marriage, i am refering to the major issues you can encouter because you didnt wait on the Lord (abusive husband to you and your children, cheating husband,blah blah blah)
Is this the author of that novel:The Mrs Club?
I found the book( d cover art was quite hilarious)quite interesting.
This write up is truly insightful.Bin single’s quite manageable,but on some days(esp aft a beautiful BellaNaija wedding feature),i jus feel like tearing my hair out,wonderin WHEN WIL I QUIT DIS JOINT!!!!!!!!!.
But posts like these bring me solace & hope in the tot of a blissful marriage that is sure 2 come 2 me…SOON,Insha Allah.Amin.
Tanx Ekene,we truly appreciate d pep talk.
There was a similar write up a while ago on dis forum,many tanx 2 dat writer as wel.
I’m gonna save dis & peruse wit all d others i hav,wen i have my off days.
ooh lala…and to think i just had one of those “oh woe is me”conversations with a friend….God must have wanted to tap me..lightly..so on point…..and i am seconding that InshaAllahu…AMIN!
Love Love Love it!!!
brilliantly written. i couldnt have done it better myself.
loved this piece, loved the analogy, will definitely by (prayerfully) waiting for my first-class flight to hawaii!
While this is all well written, and consoling. In my opinion, as someone who knows where the shoe hurts. If waiting was such an easy thing to do, nobody will be in the wrong marriage. One of the things that come with waiting in the “fry” is that you are expected to be happy while you “roast”, you become a branded object of riducle and people’s tongue will attribute all sorts of things to you, including thinking you are a hideous gay..or bewitched from a village relative. Again, if waiting was so easy and natural, nobody will go to Alaska, and the airport environment can become uncomfortable still after all the facials and massage. C.C
Hello Cha,
I totally agree dat it is no walk in d park playin d waitin game(actually,it can b a downright TORTURE FEST)
Nothing good comes easy+pple wil ALWAYS talk!!!
D only person who shd matter is U!!!
Dont let any1 goad u into an economy class,one way ticket 2 ALASKA!
U owe it 2 ur sef 2 look out 4 ur se,act in d best interest of U!!no mata wat any1 says.