One of the most common questions in the emails I receive from women is, when and how do I find the love of my life? Most of the time it is accompanied by a paragraph or two about how time is passing and everyone seems to be getting married but them or how only the wrong men seem to be attracted to them.
I was listening to a call in radio show in Lagos the other day and a woman called in, weeping over her current state of single hood and lamenting the fact that she had not yet met the right man, in spite of some special prayer that some man of God had done for her that involved a bed, a calabash and a payment. She admitted that after the prayer more men came her way but they were all wrong for her. However she said that, it was getting so bad being single that if the right man didn’t come along in a year, she was going to settle for one of the wrong men in front of her.
I recently spoke to a single woman who sought my advice on finding love and I gave her advice that I am not sure she wanted to hear. Let me start by saying that if there is a specific scripture that you read five times that will cause the right man to manifest, I don’t know it, (and I would be wary anyway) if there is a calabash that you can pull one out of…once again, I can’t help you. However, this is what I believe…that you attract what and who you are. You pull people into your life that reflect where you are at the time. If your self esteem is low, you tend to attract people who will reinforce that state of being, by manipulating you, exploiting you or more. If you are not your best self, chances are you won’t get the creme de la creme. I’m just being real. Someone I know, always says, you should ask yourself “what am I bringing to the table?”
It’s like job hunting. If you look at yourself and recognize that you only have a high school diploma and choose to stop there, then you will only be eligible for the sort of job that hires secondary school graduates. However if you recognize that you want more, and you are willing to push yourself to go to higher levels in your educational journey then you automatically position yourself for something better. Now of course, there is a sacrifice involved. It takes time to get that next degree. Lots of studying and personal growth. It isn’t necessarily easy. It is often hard work. But its worth it.
A job is a job, in the worst case scenario, you can quit and start over, however marriage is not quite so simple. If you get married when you are at your weakest point and make a poor decision based on your low self esteem or your lack of options and it turns out you are not well suited with your mate, well, a bad marriage can be hell. I get a number of emails from women in these sorts of situations as well. It is difficult (though not impossible) to turn these situations around.
I advised the young lady that was so broken at the idea of being alone and desperately seeking her prince, to stop seeking and start focusing on herself. To stop looking out and look within and ask herself three questions.
Are you your best self? Are you at the optimal state of education, health, image, spirituality? Are you developed enough to be useful as a partner? Have you dealt with your baggage? We are always evolving and growing so you can never be your complete best, but are you at a good stage in your life? Are you moving in the right direction? Are you getting totally whole? Are you healthy in body, mind and soul? Of course we are all on a journey but you can aim to be your best self for that particular time period.
Are you doing your life’s work? I find that women who are fulfilled by the work they do, are typically less desperate when it comes to relationships. Certainly they may feel lonely from time to time and may desire a partner, however they don’t have that raw hunger that you sometimes see in some women and as such they are operating from a position of strength. Moreover, when you are fully engaged in your passion and living a purposeful life, it is easier to make the right decision, because you then meet someone who shares or can complement your vision and journey through life. If you never take time to develop yourself and just focus on the external, then you don’t even know what journey you want to go on or what life you want to lead and when you get older, you may start to feel frustrated because you are trying to evolve but the person you settled with, is not going in the direction that you want to go.
Do you love yourself? This usually comes easier when the first two are answered in the affirmative. When you have a clear sense of your purpose and you are at your best then you can really get a sense of your value and really love yourself and that reflects out into your world and draws in people who will be loving towards you. When you love yourself, it is easier to set loving standards and make healthy relationship choices. The beautiful thing about life is you can hit the refresh button whenever you like and make decisions to create a better life for yourself. Decisions that will take you closer to the person you want to be and be with.
When people ask me how to find the love of their lives? I often say, you find the love of your life by living a life that you love.
This is why I started a workshop called PassionSpark. I am holding one this weekend actually and I want to invite you to register and come out. PassionSpark is not about the bedroom, which some people seem to think but it is about finding your passions and purpose and creating a spark in you that will fire you up to live and create your best life. This workshop is a mix of a seminar, brainstorming, coaching, inspiration and part networking. You’ll leave feeling encouraged, inspired and supported!
What would life be like if you were living your dreams? Some passionpreneurs who are living purposeful lives will be joining me this Saturday; Women like Ndidi Nwuneli, founder of Leap Africa, Director AACE foods and Tara Feladurotoye, CEO and creator of House of Tara cosmetics and Linda Ikeji, a blogpreneur and more.
Space is extremely limited though, so if you are interested, don’t dilly dally, strike while the iron is hot.
Saturday November 12th 2011, at The Lifehouse, 33 Sinari Daranijo Street, Off Younis Bashorun Street, Off Ajose Adeogun Street, Victoria Island Lagos. You can register by sending an email firstname.lastname@example.org or text 07056569959 for further information.
This is your life! Live it the best way you can!
Be well. Ekene