What Made You Stay?
Posted on Monday, July 4th, 2011 at 10:26 AMBy Ebun Oshin
Recently my sister and I were at home just relaxing and watching TV when Trinny and Susannah’s fashion show came on. The show caught my attention because they were in Australia – a place where I currently call home. The fashion duo were randomly picking women who were plainly dressed on the streets of Canberra, the Australian capital, and offering them free makeovers. My interest was further stirred by these unassuming women who previously were going about their business, pushing prams, having coffee, shopping and were now the object of Trinny and Susannah’s scrutiny. I was really interested in their reactions which ranged from surprise, shock, irritation, and embarrassment.
One woman in particular stood out to me, her name was Angela*. She was, dressed from head to toe in black and taking a stroll in the park when the duo ran up to her. When the fashion duo asked her why she was in all black her answer was a bit strange. “I like black because it does not make you stand out. You can go about your business without drawing attention to yourself.”
During the makeover session, I noticed that compared with the other ladies receiving makeovers, Angela was not a very confident person. She wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone and her eyes looked incredibly sad. I also noticed how tightly she held Trinny’s hands as they talked. Trinny must have noticed this too because at some point she asked Angela about the last time she was happy.
Angela who looked like she was in her early forties replied, “maybe when I was seventeen”.
“So how did you dress when you were seventeen?” Trinny asked looking as surprised as I felt
“I wore colours. I was very bubbly and girly. I was very confident.” She smiled sadly.
“So what happened? What changed?”
Angela paused for a bit, she couldn’t have looked any sadder.
“I was in an abusive relationship for twelve years. The man I was with stripped me of everything including my confidence. I married him when I was nineteen and he abused me all the time.”
It was from here we gathered that Angela’s husband had beaten her several times and would then throw her out. He would then come back to beg her and she would make excuses for him and return, thinking it would never happen again. But she was wrong, it happened over and over again for twelve whole years. Angela then goes on to show Trinny a long scar on her shin where her former husband had stabbed her. It was horrible and I felt truly sorry for Angela but then Trinny, who was crying by now asked the question that was on my lips, “Why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave?”
Angela’s reply was simple, she couldn’t. She said she had stayed because of her children. She wanted her children to finish school before she could do anything. Her ex-husband knew this so he used it as a weapon. If she left, he wouldn’t pay their fees or support them, so she decided to stay put and he kept the abuse coming. Eventually, I think after the knife incident, Angela left with her children to start a new life.
Angela looked fabulous after her makeover and I wish I could find a picture to show you. Her children were at the show and they were amazed at their mother’s transformation. But Angela’s scars are still there and will probably will always be, the physical one on her shin and probably on other parts of her body, the emotional and the mental ones too.
I spent the rest of the evening pondering Angela’s story and thinking of other countless women who are in or who have been in an abusive relationship. I discussed this with my mum and she said most women stay in abusive relationships because of their children. They ask themselves, “Where do I start from?” I then pointed out that in this day and age, you can start from nothing and make something for yourself, to which she agreed and said she hoped women realised this and begin to be more proactive rather than wait out a destructive relationship until it’s too late.
The more I think about it the more I realize that victims of domestic violence usually remain in such situations for selfless reasons. In some situations, they are bound by financial reasons, the need to have a basis to support their children and themselves. In other cases they are bound by social and cultural reasons which place greater value on being married regardless of the circumstances of that marriage. And in a few cases, they feel trapped, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, promising them a better life outside of the horrible situation of abuse.
Photo Credit: http://www.thefeministwire.com
Tags: abusive relationships, Domestic Violence, women
This is so rampant these days. Pls if u r in such a relationship leave asap. There’s no need thinking about the society or the culture “what will People say” I think pple who were once victims and who have moved on and made the best out of their life shld share their experience and how they moved on. A lot of pple can learn from them and receive d courage to move on.
Where will you leave to, when you have nothing going on for you? Face it, most women want to marry rich, or marry a financially stable guy to take care of them, without having any other source of survival. I guess what I’m saying is -Women should make better decisions in life. Most human beings won’t treat the next with kindness, if the next can’t stand on their 2 feet. I’m sure you guys know that “kindness” and “care” are rare human attributes in our today’s society.
‘most women want to marry rich’? – I think you should qualify that with most women YOU know. You can’t just be throwing out statements for which you have no proper evidence, however many anecdotal examples you have. Get your facts right in a debate pls!
Truth….
Wow!!! Twelve whole years of abuse?! I feel so sad *Angela, who has lost all confidence & happiness…..
what’s with the “*Angela”? Thought she was on air, as were her kids.
First?yay!
Not!
I cannot speak for other women but I can speak for my experiance. I didnt need him financially infact if truth be told he needed me financially. We were not married and I did not have any children by him but yet and still I stayed with him two years too long.
I stayed simply because I believed everything he ever said to and about me. When he told me I was stupid, I believed it, when he called me a wh*re I believed it, when he said I was a bad person I believed it, when he said he had hit me coz I had made him angry and that I deserved it I believed it, when he said that no one else would ever love me I believed it and when he said he would change I believed that too.
I think that prior to getting into a relationship with my ex partner, I didnt have the greatest self-esteem to begin with and like a shark smelling blood in the water he honed in on me and my weaknesses. Abusers are the greatest manipulators and con artists and they will harp on any and every weakness you have in order to get to you and ultimately feed whatever needs the abuse they serve feeds.
Because I lacked self-esteem, self-love and self-respect, I looked to him to validate me through love. The cycle where he would be Romeo one minute and love me like no other then turn into a monster and beat me to a pulp then blame it on me only made me want to “work” harder to gain the Romeo back. Its a game these abusers play.
I am out of that miserable excuse for a relationship now and I thank God everyday that I finally woke up and saw the light to leave alive and not in a body bag or having gone insane! I now recognize that no one can validate me but myself. You honestly teach people how to treat you and if you have no self-respect for yourself you cant possibly demand it from someone else.
I never ever sit and play the victim. The first time he hit me I was a victim but each time after that that I stayed I basically allowed him to ill-treat me. And I dont think I will ever truly forgive myself for that.
Julz, I am so glad that you left that destructive relationship and have mended enough to share your story. One good thing is that it made you stronger than when you were in it.
What you think about yourself is what others will surely think about you too.
Thanks for sharing!!!
WOW…. Thank God for your life Julz and thank God for this testimony and it will inspire many others…
I pray that as God is still healing you, He will restore everything the cancaworm has eaten and anything negative that has been deposited in you. He will elevate you and uphold and edify you.. I pray God will give every woman in an abusive relationship courage to leave that relationship. I pray God will also touch the hearts of the men and remove the monster that is controlling their mental mind.. AMEN
You need to forgive yourself, now that you know better , you will choose better. You have such great self reflective insight as to why and how this happened, I have nothing but the greatest admiration for you. You my dear are a SURVIVOR, good on you.
You’ve summed up my thoughts perfectly!! Julz…forgive yourself…..YOU HAVE EARNED IT!!! YOU WALKED!
wow..ur story blew me away. well, it’s not the journey that counts but your destination ! you are safe now dear.
Reading this I am happy for you that you realised if its to be its up to you, you have so many valid points and its well wriiten, you must be a very intelligent and beautiful person in and out, I wish i could make other women in abusive relationships see this and run not only for their lives but their sanity
yep pretty much the same thing happened to me, short of hitting me. after he “playfully” almost pushed me down a flight of stairs, i knew it was time to leave. it took another year or so before we parted ways. *smh*
First?
Come on!!!!! Is that even a comment?????
Not
u better leave dat man and run for ur life
Deep sigh!!!! Well, all I can say is the major thing keeping this women bound to their spouses in abusive relationship is the fear of the unknown! A wise man once said when something bad happens, you have 3 choices: you can either let it define you, destroy you or let it strengthen you, please make the right choice now, God bless us all.
Domestic violence is, to me, like a drug addiction – so many times, the victims are helpless in the beginning, then get caught up in a vicious cycle. In my opinion, the most effective remedy lies not in attempting to get out when you are already in and are bound by children or other strong links, but in recognising the signs early, and avoiding such abusive persons. God help you.
Most women in physically abusive relationships are also mentally and emotionally abused. They are unable to break free on their own. They require the help of others and therapy, as they suffer a condition called “abused women syndrome”. It really is a sad situation for anyone to be in.
its so sad, i have never been in an abusive relationship and i pray earnestly never to be in one cos even when my hubby and i quarrel, i know how it breaks down my spirit talk more of being physically beaten..it’s enough to destroy anyone that the one person that is supposed to love you the most in the world is the one that hates you so much that he beats you… that can destroy any woman.
there must be more awareness and seminars held for women to re-train us on the fact that no marriage is by force, if he hits you, he can kill you..see the case of the man that stabbed his wife multiple times and then mutilated her…and this means that he must have beaten her multiple times and she would have known just how violent he was yet she chose to stay..why? i mean she was the one with the cash..yet she stayed enduring beating upon trashing…all because of societal pressure…”God forbid that you are a divorcee… the bible doesn’t approve divorce….blah bblah blahhh”
look, we as women must educate our daughters, lets not make the same mistakes our parents made, tell our daughters that physical abuse under any circumstance is unacceptable, tell our sons that only cowards beat women, tell our princesses that you must leave if he beats you..get up and run..cos if he beats you, he can kill you and trust me it’s better your kids have separated parents than a murderer as a father and a dead mother…. no child should have to go through that..
God help us all…
You post brings to mind Titi Arowolo’s death, which is still very fresh in our minds.
In no time, we will forget and move on until another tragic incident occurs. That’s why I’m more interested in helping people in abusive relationships find the answer(s) to the question, “what should I do?”
There is no one-size-fits-all answer, as each person’s situation is different. In fact, some of the victims are men. It’s easy to sit in my cozy corner and say leave, but how many women can?
Women need to be empowered, especially financially. Yet, not so long ago, when Sharon Omolayo and Enioluwa were kidnapped, people were quick to blame the mothers for leaving their children to the care of nannies, while pursuing careers/money.
What’s a woman to do?!
Let’s suggest answers and solutions, keeping at the back of our minds that it’s easy to stand on your soapbox and preach at victims of abuse, but if you haven’t walked in their shoes, you really can’t tell what you would or would not do.
My suggestion is that we all begin to speak up. Abuse is not okay. Yes, marriage is good and we want to keep our marriages, but at what cost? Most women stay for their children, but who will raise Titilayo’s daughter? Perhaps we also need to stop being critical of people whose marriages do not work out. When we stop measuring our success as women solely on the basis of being married, women would be less likely to put their lives at risk just for the title of MRS.
You are valuable. God’s workmanship. Let no man reduce your worth. If he doesn’t recognize your value and help you be the best you can be, He doesn’t deserve you.
Oh wow! I didn’t mean to leave such a long comment! I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Titi
Thank you Gbemi and God bless you for this wisdom.. I also pray God will empower you with resources and wisdom on how to help….
I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT TITI EITHER…….MAY GOD REST HER SOUL
Your comment encapsulates my thoughts.
It may have been long but was justifiable so and made absolute sense – I never read long comments but yours kept me reading till the end. Well said.
i dont know what to say really, i just feel anger towards such men
The picture up there is a captured scene from the movie ‘coloured girls’ right?For the benefit of those of you that havent seen the movie, the husband threw the kids through the window of a 7 or 8 floor buliding and killed d eight-year old girl after thoroughly beating his wife!!!
I used to ask – why do the women in abusive relationships stay?Ive never been in an abusive relationship…always been/am the spoilt , tantrum-ic brat in relationships but I think I understand why they stay – they are not strong enough to leave…sounds like a really stupid, dumb, basic reason but security is something a never-been-insecure person can never understand.I have a friend whose husband slapped her on both cheeks at one time when they were still dating – they have been married for 3 years and she just told me this year – she won the most beautiful girl in my class year in Uni but she loves this guy.They are married, its never happened again and I hope it dosent but shes there and reallyno one can understand these things.
The only thing we can pray for is never to be in that kind of situation – I thank God for my sweet, indulgent man everyday and I PRAYY everyday he stays that way and it never turns sour – ladies, Im just keeping it real – believe me, sometimes you see the signs but sometimes you just don’t know that violent streak is there – it is Crazy what happens this days…May God Help us!!!!!
i DON’T know which ‘For Colored Girls’ you watched… Maybe the one directed by Tyla Perion featuring Tonto Dike & Segun Arinze… Na wa for misinformation all around. lol
Anyway women need to stand up against violence!
And as Gbemi said, other women need to stop judging their peers for failed marriages, that would encourage the next women to leave an abusive marriage.
Rolling on the floor
This is sad i most say, that guy must be a monster, and does she not have a relation? Take your kids n move on with your life, twelve whole years??? I beg u tried n thank God he did not kill you. Thanks Ebun for this story, n i believe ladies will learn a lot from this.
Oh sorry, just checked d pic again…its not a scene from ‘coloured girls’ …but all points remain relevant +you can go and buy the movie anyways!
Well written bu what about men that are in abusive marriages nko? It is more common than you think
Angela stayed in an abusive marriage for 12 years? Last week we read about Titi who had been married for about 2 years only in a physically abusive marriage before her husband finally killed her. The thing is the abuse usually starts emotionally before it gets physical. I wish all women could see the traits when the emotional abuse starts. That way we could seek help before it degeneratesd into physical abuse. If a guy is abusive while dating/courting, marriage isn’t going to change him. And can our Mothers, Sisters-in-law, Sisters et al stop advising their daughters, sisters, ‘wives’ etc to stay put in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children? Can we also stop worrying about ‘what will people say’? People will always talk.
The police and other law enforcement agencies can also be more helpful too. Protect the abused instead of shying away and claiming its a ‘family affair’.
For abused women, seek help from the various NGOs , Government Ministries & religious outreaches that abound. Together, we can put a stop to domestic violence.
About seeking help from NGOs etc,I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that it is the wrong move. How do I know? I know because I went to the Welfare Office in Surulere when 2 years into my marriage to my very violent husband tried to take my son away. Now,I was 25 with no street smarts and noone to help me. I ran to them and made my report only for the man to start treating me like a hostile witness during the talk. Imagine my shock as I watched my husband and him drive off for drinks at the end of one such mediation and another time he was thanking my husband for crediting either his phone or account,not sure which. Needless to say I never went back and he closed the case cos I was not credible.
I had also run to Census police and was told “madam,we don’t get involved in family matter.Go home and be a good wife” even though I was bleeding and clutching my wailing 18 monthold son.
My 2cents? NOBODY will come to your aid. So start saving in a secret account now(if unemployed).Park an emergency bag with some cash,ATM card,kids basic needs,documents,spare key and cellphone wid credit. Stash it somewhere easily accessible eg kitchen.I already have these things and I’m just waiting for my acc. balance to get to a certain point. God help me and my kids.
About seeking help from NGOs etc,I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that it is the wrong move. How do I know? I know because I went to the Welfare Office in Surulere when 2 years into my marriage to my very violent husband tried to take my son away. Now,I was 25 with no street smarts and noone to help me. I ran to them and made my report only for the man to start treating me like a hostile witness during the talk. Imagine my shock as I watched my husband and him drive off for drinks at the end of one such mediation and another time he was thanking my husband for crediting either his phone or account,not sure which. Needless to say I never went back and he closed the case cos I was not credible.
I had also run to Census police and was told “madam,we don’t get involved in family matter.Go home and be a good wife” even though I was bleeding and clutching my wailing 18 monthold son.
My 2cents? NOBODY will come to your aid. So start saving in a secret account now(if unemployed).Park an emergency bag with some cash,ATM card,kids basic needs,documents,spare key and cellphone wid credit. Stash it somewhere easily accessible eg kitchen.I already have these things and I’m just waiting for my acc. balance to get to a certain point. God help me and my kids
Please wait no longer. Reading your advice I had hope until I saw you were or are still waiting to be harmed. Run, run I beg you. It’s better to struggle with your kids than for you not to be around for them.
I wish you well. PLEASE MAKE SURE HE DOES NOT SUSPECT.
I so feel you!!! I haven’t been there but my mum passed thru a similar situation so I know…I wish I could help.
OginiKwa, I really sympathise with you
what is wrong with men these days? seriously, this sucks!
Hmm….na wa o!! All this violence by men. Why don’t they hit on someone their own size…..stems from deep-rooted issues. The Lord help us…… I’m still trying to come to terms with Titilayo’s death. Didn’t know her, but men…dats soo not how to die!!!!!!!!!!! RIP!!!!!!!!!
Abuse is cancerous. It slowly eats at you until you were once a shadow of yourself.Forget what”people” would say. Those that mind, don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.
Ladies, you can come through this. Become emancipated. Follow your instincts, at the first sign of abuse, you know. Follow it. The Nigerian culture unfair to women.Women this is the modern age- don’t stand for it. A man/partner should only complete you, when you yourself are complete. Don’t be defined by that.
I would leave with my kids without looking back because the only thing people will say is the Lords prayer at my funeral after the animal may have killed me.
WORD!!!!!! People will always talk. I don’t give a damn anymore
Wat a pathetic story but just like it was pointed out lots of women out there today go through same situation, n it’s sad coz the emotional n mental torture as well as physical trauma is so so overwhelming, my prayer is that GOD will intervene in such homes/relationships n Peace will come forth,Amen.
, Finally, we get to read the whats and whys from someone who lived it and isn’t spewing out the text from a psychology textbook.
@ Julzreally very sorry yet happy to read your post above. Sorry because you had to go it for 2 years and happy cos you finally summoned up the courage to leave. I pray your future relationships will be fulfilling. Please don’t let the past sour you off marriage. There are still good men out there. God bless you.
Finally, we get to read the whats and whys from someone who lived it and isn’t just spewing out the text from a psychology textbook.
@ Julz, really very sorry yet happy to read your post above. Sorry because you had to go it for 2 years and happy cos you finally summoned up the courage to leave. I pray your future relationships will be fulfilling. Please don’t let the past sour you off marriage. There are still good men out there. God bless you.
This is just sad.. to think alot of girls are still being beaten by their bfs n still say. the sad part is the post-beating stage after she’s been beaten black and blue and dude will apologise with very expensive gifts.. they do it big… *sigh*
Its not just these days, domestic violence has been going on for years. Thankfully, women are able to talk about it these days, unlike when it was deemed a “don’t ever talk/tell anyone about it’ matter. It breaks my heart to hear that a woman is being abused by a man who promised to love/protect her. To all the women out there in an abusive relationship.. pls leave NOW, God will raise a helper for you and children if applicable. Your lifes are way to precious.
May Titi Arowolo (and many others who lost their lives) souls rest in peace!
Ebun oshin, great writeup as usual but to get some perspective to answer “why do these women stay”s…please revisit this thread – the Freedom to be http://www.bellanaija.com/2011/06/29/the-freedom-to-be/ and see how women , bash and talk down on women who don’t fit the traditional mould of being married, with kids and answering to a husband. To some, anything short of a woman being a wife and mother, is a failure. not many will outright admit that, but it is inferred everytime, someone’s freedom to be is constantly disputed or debating during prayer meeting, coffee, babyshowers or other gathersing. in a nutshell, we as a people are our own worst enemies. we as women (friends, mothers, aunts etc) more rightly so. Our society, more importantly, our women(mothers, sisters, aunts, etc) look down on the following categories of women:
single
divorced
married without kids
child out of wedlock
married more than once
kids by more than one dad
cos these categories of women gets treated like crap and are the center of backbiting and gossip amongst the society,(even in churches) some victims of domestic abuse get overwhelmed by the taxing thought of picking up their lives where they left off and starting over. with that they perhaps think hey, hand me the less of two evils…let him beat me die..it’s more honorable to die married than otherwise.
Now flip over to men’s sides…when a man realizes a woman has no support system. in other words, when and if i beat her, even her mother will tell her to come back and beg me so she can remain married. then he won’t stop beating you after all, there hasn’t been any consequences. when a man feels he is doing you a favor, being ur husband. I’m afriad, he’s be stupid to not batter you. as a matter of fact, as human beings we all indulge in acts and conducts that we know we can get away with. so with that failed support system, has come the new emergence of “league of wife-beating gentlemen extraordinaire”. by that i mean men who are well eduacted, financially stable, some studied abroadd and lived/live abroad who take pride, i mean disturbing pride in abusing their wives. this trend is sad, cos back then in the 70s and 80s, we blamed it on lack of independence, lack of exposure and on women being followers , to be led and to be seen but never heard. Howver, this is the new age of equality. an age where women are ministers, presidents and great leaders of the world yet we see this medevial trend. May God save us.
I agree about how the blatant lack of support fuels these men. My husband beats me all the time while saying stuff like “Call your dad now and see that nothing will happen”. Of course,my dad’s silence on the matter was probably cos he STILL beats my mother. Now my sister’s husband has seen that there are no consequences and has started beating my sister. Some sordid cycle..
OMG!!! I am short for words. Why are you all taking it? I wish I had words
Just reading this got me tearing up. You must be a very strong woman. This is heartbreaking, can’t imagine the feeling of helplessness- and then your sister? totally lost for words. What about your uncles, brothers, husband close friends e.t.c? can you talk to them about it? you need to leave, this is totally unacceptable, especially if you have kids- u don’t want them witnessing to such brutality. I really don’t know what to say as nigeria’s system is so corrupt. Nothing works here. You can applying as a refugee to one of these countries where the law works and RUN AWAY with your kids because in nigeria, i learnt say na papa get pikin. I will continually have you in my prayers.
Oh Lord! This saddens my heart! My dear, You and the the rest of the females are in my Prayers oo. My Father will change your husband’s behaviors towards you for the better in Jesus name!
Sooo sad, and heartbreaking!
Well said, *clap*
A number of times I have seen us fail to respect ourselves as a community (women, Nigerians, African, people), bringing each other down instead of uplifting every single person (and woman in this instance).
In my humble opinion, doing so only serves to reinforce the legacy left to us by the stronger ones. It doesn’t take away anything of value from each one of us.
In the end, to respect, support and love each other are part of self-respect, empowerment and Faith we all work on daily.
Thank you so much for this! My mother was a victim of domestic violence for almost 16 years until I (being the first child) convinced her to leave my father. If she had stayed any longer with my father, I doubt she will be alive today. My sibling and I grew up watching my father come home to use my mother as a punching bag. It was not only painful to hear her screams, but every time I left home for boarding school, I feared that my mother will not be alive to welcome me back home from school. My mother left my father 7 years ago and he abandoned all his responsibilities as a father. My mother successfully (with the help of GOD Almighty) supported me through college and (currently) medical school in the U.S, and my sibling will be starting college in the U.S this year. Mind you, my father has a high paying job at an oil company in Nigeria and he did not contribute one kobo!
There is nothing impossible for God to do, and my mother is a living testimony; a strong woman who succeeded against all odds. It is very unfortunate that there are many men like my father, but we must do everything in our power to support victims of domestic violence because there is a way OUT!
I remember when I was young, my ex beat the crap out of me because I refused him sex, he nearly choked me to death then he realise what he was doing and stopped he apologise and promised me it wnt happen again so I pretended that I forgave him and left his place immediately and broke up with him on fone and got him out of my life. Am so glad I was able to do so otherwise God knows what would have happened if I stayed in the relationship. I was not expecting his behaviour as he has never showed any trait of violence to me before. I just thank my star..
sigh…i have a friend who is in this situation…he slams doors n yells n drags her n stuff,but he finally put his hands on her last year…i was there and it wasnt a good sight at all. he was beating her like she was a fellow dude!and it looked like there was a FORCE pushing him,he looked like a monster!.my God,he looked so scary! i wept for my friend because i could not just believe that a guy who hasnt even put a ring on her finger,would panel-beat her like that!even with a ring,tah!it is totally WRONG! only an animal would do such! thank God there was a big guy in the house to get him off her.n as usual,he went begging with his family members after some months and she annoyingly took him back. he hasnt tried it again but my friend knows that its time to leave because once a hitter always a hitter.she needs help.she really wants to leave but she’s scared his going to hurt her in the long run.if he doesnt do it now,she thinks that he is going to do it later because this guy we are talking about has serious EGO issues.plus i have a feeling that he has serious spiritual issues too cuz the other day he was acting like a total lunatic when they got in an arguement and she told him it was over.he nearly hit her until i yelled his name and asked if he wanted to hit her again!I am so so so scared for my friend.our other friends are advicing her to leave but she is really scared this guy is going to harm her.the last time i brought it up to her, she said she has taken it to the Lord in prayers because she cannot do it on her own.She said she is going to pray him out of her life but for how long will she continue to stay?Please guys,don’t judge her,we need advice!
hello friend of the abused, tell your friend to run as fast as her pretty legs can carry her. he is already treating her like this before marriage, trust me that he will do worse when they get married. the man is an abuser and has no respect for her for him to be beating her in front of other people, what will he do behind closed doors. she should get up and leave and pay someone to beat him if he comes near her. all she needs is 15,000 and i can arrange some area boys to teach him a lesson..
if she can’t leave, she should talk to her brothers, her father, her uncle in the military…he has no hold over her now for God’s sake..why is she doing this to herself now, does she want her kids to see her being beaten everyday by their father? does she want her kids to grow up warped and emotionally destroyed? does she want to die young? please let her go NOW… please talk t the other men in your lives to help her or you will be one of those held responsible when you are attending her funeral…
So sad….i can’t help but wonder why a man would raise his hands at the woman he chose to be with/spend the rest of his life with…My conclusion is such men are Psychos and mentally deranged. I say so, cos i’v been there once, and it took me loads of prayer and courage to dump him, before he drives me crazy. Honestly no one would believe my story cos we were a very lovey-dovey couple on campus.i’m the very compassionate and generous type so he used these against me. i supported him greatly both emotionally and financially while in school. One minute, he’s sweet and loving, the next minute, he’s angry&bitter, and the physical abuse starts. Ofcourse i left him, but he was such a pathetic guy, he would cry, beg, threaten, kneel in d snow and all of that crap, and me, being the nice girl went back to him,cos i thought i could rescue him. We had a quarrel one day, and he lifted me off the bed, before i could blink, he flung me into a tiny corner, i felt crushed and thought my neck had broken. At one time, he poured iced cold water on me in winter, in the presence of friends!!!!At the slightest opportunity, he would humiliate me, quick to remind me that i wasnt all that, even tho every one including me, knew i was very beautiful. Over time, this started affecting my academic work. I had to pray to God to empower me to leave and be able to say no to this guy, each time he came back begging. i had to toughen up big time.i later concluded that he had a psychological problem. i lost a lot financially, academically and emotionally but i’m happy i left alive, and i’m able to regain all i lost back….NOTE to ladies: it doesnt get better, never make excuses for a man, never think you can help an abusive man all by yourself…if you wanna help, leave the relationship first and pray for him after you must have left!
Oh the love of a mother. Bless your dear heart Angela. Watch the movie Mildred Pierce(http://www.letmewatchthis.ch/watch-2670859-Mildred-Pierce) ladies–very motivating.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I went to my pastor AND his wife and was told to renounce my sins and pray the fervent prayer of the righteous that availeth much. My mom said to tough it out till the kids finished Uni. I spoke to a million lawyers who told me that I would definitely lose custody of my kids cos he’s a banker with a bigger,steadier income source than job-seeking me.Also, that the Nigerian Judicial System is unashamedly Patrilineal for the most part. There were many other places I went to and with each rejection,I got more desolate such that I contemplated suicide. It’s just the thought of my kids that prevents me ending it all. Just reinforcing my point that NOBODY but you can save you. Make the decision and quietly start putting plans in place.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I went to my pastor AND his wife and was told to renounce my sins and pray the fervent prayer of the righteous that availeth much. My mom said to tough it out till the kids finished Uni. I spoke to a million lawyers who told me that I would definitely lose custody of my kids cos he’s a banker with a bigger,steadier income source than job-seeking me.Also, that the Nigerian Judicial System is unashamedly Patrilineal for the most part. There were many other places I went to and with each rejection,I got more desolate such that I contemplated suicide. It’s just the thought of my kids that prevents me ending it all. Just reinforcing my point that NOBODY but you can save you. Make the decision and quietly start putting plans in place.
I wish you well. PLEASE MAKE SURE HE DOES NOT SUSPECT.
WOW………………………………………….
Just reading this after commenting on the other one. Whoever you are, may God help you. i understand, I am not married but i can see. Nigerian society is unbelievably biased towards divorce or separation.
Once again, I wish you the best. Stay strong.
My heart goes out to you especially since you are still in this terrible situation but i want you to know that there is still help for you. The fact that welfare officer & your pastors have failed you does not mean that God will not cause a helper to arise on your behalf. There are many more NGOs out there that really help, please browse & keep trying until you get one that will listen to your story & help you. Try Hands of Dorcas (The Fountain of Life Church, Ilupeju or The Real Woman Foundation (Daystar Christian Centre). Also, try to benefit from vocational programs that are made available in churches at reduced prices if you think you are not marketable for a job or biz.
Above all, pray to God for deliverance & surely he would send a helper. I wish i could reach you because you really need encouragement but do not forget one thing, you will win this battle in Jesus Name.
Here we are all doing it again. Just advicing her to stay and that God will be with her. We are no different from all the people she has gone to for help.
OginiKwa do u think u can do a biz of your own? I can give u some money to start if that will help you to stop depending on him. I’ll check back to let you have my contact.
OginiKwa, I really sympathise with you on your ordeal with your hubby especially as it is ongoing. In as much as Nigeria is a patrilineal country and sadly so, I can tell you, as a lawyer that there are many judges who would award custody of the children to you as their mother especially if they are still very young, my advise is that you get a job for now no matter how little it pays you. when you ask for custody of your kids also ask that the court awards child support for your kids, which is a monthly amount of money your hubby would have to pay for their care, which eliminates the issue that you would be unable to take care of the kids with your small money, as the man would have to pay that. Even if he does not pay child support after the divorce is final, you would have your children to yourself and he wont be able to come and say you cant take care of the kids cos you earn little because he is the one defaulting on payment of child support. A child needs the emotional care and support which can only be given by the mother, some judges understand this and divorce lawyers who know their onions know how to get their cases before these sympathetic judges. Good luck.
reading thru this post makes me cry as i remember what i went through in the hands of the father of my 2 angels. i got pregnant in my 3rd yr at uni and moved in with this guy without any legal marriage . i saw helll! i stayed with him for four years and experienced all manner of abuse you can think of. my blood pressure was so high but i did not want to leave cos of my kids as i do not av a source of income as at dat time. my g.p.a dropped at school and i had an extra year. i grew so lean even though i eat well.
it was crazy! thank God my mum and grandmum had to forcefully move me out of his house after which i left for my nysc outside lagos which was like a breath of fresh air.
its been five yrs since i left him. and am so grateful to God.
its not easy to leave especially when kids are involved. thank God for my mum and Grandmum. am a better mum to my kids now and i av a wonderful man in my life that has made me to forget the pains of the past. above all i owe it all to God!
Julz u are a truly strong woman for sharing your story. Forgive urself cos at the end u did the right thing..you left.
Where are all my comments? This blocking thing has been happening for a long time now. What determines which comments are worthy..
Wonderful piece. I especially like the part where you said: ‘ I discussed this with my mum and she said most women stay in abusive relationships because of their children. They ask themselves, “Where do I start from?” I then pointed out that in this day and age, you can start from nothing and make something for yourself, to which she agreed and said she hoped women realised this and begin to be more proactive rather than wait out a destructive relationship until it’s too late’.
I would however like to highlight that we can hate men all we want if we choose to, but the reality is that we have men being abused by their female partners/wives. Abuse is not gender based or age based. Its one individual taking advantage of another persons emotions and weaknesses.
We all need to as individuals learn to love ourselves and know that indeed, the lord is our shepherd. And its not the end of the road if you are in such a situation. It takes one day for you to make the decision to turn your life around no matter how hard it may seem. It will be well
You may end up without the title Mrs to your name or without a dime to your name, but guess what you will be happy and have peace of mind and learn to truly love yourself and others
Cheers
I am honestly sick and tired of hearing and reading comments that say men also go through physical violence once the issue of violence against women is raised. Haba, whats the percentage to that of women? besides I believe a man can leave a relationship or marriage more easily than a woman can. A woman is the one who has kids to think about raising much more than a man, its a woman who is usually not with a job because in most cases the man as the head of the family is the bread winner with a job, while the woman has to keep her career on hold to take care of kids and keep the home front runninng. abeg abused men are not as disadvantaged as abused women, lets face the truth.
Everyone has said it all…
Abusive relationship starts from verbal abuse first before extending to physical beatings. A man that verbally insults his gf/fiancee/wife will end up beating her. So we ladies shld note these traits in the man we are with. Yeah some men may also be in abusive relationship with their women but I’m sure some of u will agree with me when I say its rare compared to the reverse of the situation. No man is worth the effort at all…if we ladies see ourselves the way God sees us then we would not allow any man to treat us as crap talkless of raising his hands to hit us. Let’s not settle for less the standards we have set for ourselves when it comes to the type of man we desire to be with and eventually marry. When we do so we set traps for ourselves to fall in. People will always talk whether we dead or alive so let them say…so please any lady in an abusive relationship shld flee fo rher dear life.
Remember if he can abuse you and insult you and call u names, its only a matter of time before he raises his hands on you. God deliver us women from such men. Amen!!
i was a victim too…i was introduced to dis guy wen i was serving in september 2008 n by april 2009 we were married.he didnt allow me to work so i had no money n had to get every tin from him…i saw hell. i didnt let it continue cos i was aware of such abuses men give to women…after six months in the marriage i move out..now am marrired to a friend i truely love…
Awww… wow…
This topic is one that I am quite passionate about. There is even the abuse that we do not speak about much – emotional abuse. Sometimes, the domestic abuse even starts from this emotional abuse. A man/woman may not need to lay a hand on you to damage you, all he/she needs to do is to plant negative words into your heart and you’re maimed for life. I did a post on this in my blog where I just scratched the surface but I hope that people can come out to talk about these things so that (internal) wounds can be healed.
Like Julz said, these people are drawn to you like sharks smelling blood in the water. Therefore, we need to think highly of ourselves and set a standard so that we do not attract such abusive people to us and let them stay on in our lives.
http://heysista.wordpress.com
I was in an abusive marriage for 2 years. Knowing his schedule, i had already enlisted the help of my closest friend, she was waiting in a car at the end of the road. We waited till he left the house, she came in and in 15 minutes we were done packing 7 boxes full of my things and that of my son. We went straight to the airport, i bought a one way ticket out of Nigeria and I’ve never looked back since then. 2 years later, my career is back on track, i just bought my first house, I’ve filed for a divorce and I’ve finally forgiven him. I don’t intend to EVER have anything to do with him.
I stayed that long because his mother told me that “woman to woman, let me tell you something, no man is going to look your way because you are after 1″. She also told him in my presence that “she’s not going anywhere. I’ve told her no man will marry her”.
I decided to run (1) after he told me repeatedly while pounding me that “i will kill you and throw your body under the bridge and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. You will know money pass money”
(2) I have a child and i will be damned if i let another woman raise my child.
WOW!!!…. I am sure it wasnt easy but well done… *hugs*
H.A.W, thanks. it wasn’t easy. But God has been ever faithful, ever sure.
Well done!! Wishing you and your child all of God’s best for the future.
My mouth is open!!! I am happy for you oo. God be with you and continue to bless you.
I have a sister that is in a very abusive and stupid marriage. The annoying thing is that we saw it coming even before they got married. He beat her up in a car while they were still dating, and I begged her to break up with him. She went back to him. Shortly after that, he proposed and she accepted. My whole family was against this marriage, but she insisted on marrying this animal. My father even stopped talking to her. She quickly went and had a baby with this fool even before marriage, to make sure that her family woul allow them to get married. Guess what he was not there for the delivery of his own child, and ended up beating her two weeks after she delivered her baby via c section. Do you know she forgave him and still went on and married this guy. We were all tired of begging her. This guy beats her anyhow, she always runs back to us complaining of what he has done,then two days later she would return to him. Actually, he doesn’t even have to apologize, she returns to him on her own. She had another child both girls, the guy would treat her very badly every time, pretty much he would tell her shes the ugliest woman he has ever known that she worth nothing. Its amazing what this guy tells her. She is a shadow of her former self. My sister used to be so beautiful with great skin and had several people after her. We are also from an affluent family, very well educated in different countries, in fact and has several professional degrees. but this guy has aused her soo much you would not even recognize her. She gained weight, skin is all messed up etc. She was told to be careful about getting pregnant so soon after previous c section by her dr. But do you know she quickly got pregnant again by this fool, trying to give him a son. When he found out it was another girl, He physically assaulted, drove her to an abortion clinic for her to terminate the pregnancy at a late point in the pregnancy, which would have been dangerous for her as well. Luckily we found out and told her to run away and take a taxi home. When she refused to terminate the pregnancy, he swore she would die during delivery along with the baby, and strived to make her life hell. Do you know my stupid sister had to drive herself to deliver her baby, and we were fasting and praying for her all the way. She finally called the guy yet again and they have made up for now. I believe my sister is jazzed. I don’t know what else to do. Every time we threaten to call thew cops, His foolish family will show up at our doorsteps lying down begging, not to. I’ve insulted him so many times, my mouth has gone dry. I’ve counselled my sister, and it isn’t working.
It’s such a strange thing really but in my opinion, a bad marriage is worth escaping – regardless of the consequences. Everyone deserves happiness and being with someone who makes them happy. If you’re not getting that with the person you’re with then you’re with the wrong person.
Lola x, London
http://lola-x.blogspot.com
I am 28 years , mother of two beautiful girls. I was in an abusive marriage for five years. I got married when i was 22. I decided to leave that marriage for good last december. My ex used of treat me of all names, he never bought anything for me or for the kids except the TV and computer which he came to take back from my home in presence of two police officers . he showed them the receipt and they said he has the right to take them. I was so shocked to see that kind of thing here in canada. He is the one who decided to end the relationship as usual. I used to beg him to stay each time he’ve decided to leave but I was tired because it became a game for him, he knew i will follow him like dog.
When he moved out in december i decided not to ask him to come back, i took my new year resolution and relocate myself somewhere else but he find out and came where i am.
He knows that is really over this time so he is trying to make my life miserable but I am not gonna give up and take him back. I told myself that i’m still young and can do a lot still. I thank God for the strenght he has given me to educate and support my kids
Where am i going to start from It’s all been said…..How could someone that must haved loved you so much turn against you so abruptly that it will degenerate into physical abuse.Abuse over abuse. These women stay because they do not know where to start from, how to go about it, because everyone says they should be strong. I watched my dad abuse my mother as a child but she stayed strong and beared it all because of her children. Today, we are all grown and thank God she made it through but not everybody’s that lucky. The stories are gory………….
To tackle this problem is to go to the root.
Mothers themselves are the cause.
As well as the society.
They spoil boys rotten.
They worship them and treat them better than their daughters.
And CHAUVINIST PASTORS are not helping matters at all.
Babydee, I’m dumbfounded. I praise God for your life. Imagine a fellow woman encouraging her son instead of telling him off. That’s Major! For as many ladies that can see the obvious traits of an abuser in their boyfriends, please there is nothing to PRAY about. Just leave. . God loves you and it is not his will that you become any man’s punching bag. I was thinking this morning and my thoughts were, you can’t be too sure of anyone because people change. Every woman, must pray before and after she says yes to any man. Even if it is a pastor! With all the prayers if he still hits you, don’t even question it, put yourself first. LEAVE!
Angela’s case is pathetic but i still believe its all about mindset because she had the option of leaving.
My advice to my fellow sisters is that you dont have to kill yourself because you want to remain married or even because you want to marry.Do what you think is right because whether we like it or not in every generation of women ,some will remain umarried and some will remain divorced.However,some will choose to be wasted by their fellow human being because he is called a man either physically or psychologically.Th choice is yours!
read all the comment and i’m so shocked 2 know dis is so rampant. for no reason should a guy hit his woman. if during courtship he has already started hitting u nd u think wen u both get married it would stop, “My sister na lie o……….” run out of dat relationship. i think that thing they say wen conducting marriages “FOR BETTER FOR WORST” should be put to a stop. wen it comes to hitting u my best advice is dat u opt out before he sends u to an early grave
I thinks this is one of the reason why men die faster that women
these words are very deep, my own father at 56 still beats my mother @ 46, and here i am about to start makin weddin plans,and my father still threatens to chase my mother out of the house…… and i am thinking how do i explain this to ma inlaws, as a matter of fact my father in law just died couple of months ago at the age of 87 and his wife still cannot come to think of her husband”s death, they were too each other….how do i explain to them?
The domination usually starts mentally and emotionally IMO. Once they have conquered you in your head, the physical abuse is an easy transition. This is why you have the (exceptional) case of abuse against men (when the men are often physically stronger) or women who stay even if everyone else thinks they have options. so sad.
Parental abuse nko? Same symptoms for some people, the undue shyness… I wish I had tears enough to cry for human being’s unkindness
ladies, you are beautifully and wonderfully made. so you are beautifull. you don’t need any man to tell you that your are beautifull or ugly, shapy or shapeless, fat or slim.any man that abuses you doesn’t deserve you, if your in a marriage or relationship and guy as much as raises his hand when you have an argument, babe pack your things and go before then delete his number and block every means of contact.
am glad you got out before you were killed, there is always hope for everyone when there’s life, and there’s always a light and at the end of the tunnel too. I wish you luck in your new life
I greet my fellow women folks. The evil and wicked husbands do reap their seeds, watch the what is happening now; the wives are not happy with their husbands most times the men find it difficult in their endeavours because God will NOT answer their prayers (thier prayers are hindered because they are not at peace with their wives), its unfortunate now we have more of women as breadwinners which is wrong. ANY MAN THAT WANTS TO MAKE IT IN LIFE ACCORDING TO GOD’S PLAN(NOT RITUALS, STEALING ETC) MUST LOVE AND TREAT HIS WIFE WELL OR ELSE WILL RECIEVE THE GOD’s JUDGEMENT.
LET THE WOMEN BE SUBMISSIVE TO THEIR HUSBAND AS SARAH OUR MOTHERS WAS TO ABRAHAM AND PRAY AS DEVIL HAS TAKEN OVER SO MANY HOMES; HE CAME TO STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY. WIVES AND MOTHERS PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, HUSBAND AND KIDS. GOD BLESS.
Hey to the writer of this piece, which part of Australia do you live.? I live in australia too, Brisbane to be exact. Nice to know there are fellow Bellanaija addicts like myself. Would be lovely to get in touch. Do you have an e-mail address ?
your story is sure a pitiable one but most times u asked why dis happened to u bt got no answers to that,,,atleast uve rediscovered urself and moved on which is most important..
I’ve been married to this guy for a year now and I’ve had about as much as I can take of his abuse. His rage is terrible and irrational. He flies into a rage over little things he has humiliated me publicly countless times and each time he blames me for what he does. At the begining I believed all the things he said about me but no more. No supports me. Even my mum asks me to pray. I have prayed; for a better life for me and my kids. I just need to find a way out cause I won’t let him have my kids.