Busola Adedire: Are You the Needy Partner in Your Relationship?

Busola AdedireRemember that one person you wanted so bad that they got you all giddy at the sound of the first hello on the other side of the phone. You like them, you crave them and that is not necessarily a bad thing but it gets to a point where a ‘seemingly beautiful’ thing can turn ugly for just one thing ‘neediness’. Neediness reminds me of an awfully scented perfume that could be perceived from miles away and then, everybody runs for cover. I preach the gospel of transparency every now and then, but the paradox of being human is that mystery attracts and a needy person is often too ‘familiar’.

While we cannot place ‘neediness’ on a scale to get its minimum and maximum thresholds, I reckon the moment you are more insecure than secure in a relationship… You may start acting out of neediness. Now, whether the reasons for your insecurities are valid or not… neediness DOES NOT look good on anyone! Yet, there is the question of how needy is too needy? While some lovers like occasional phone calls every now and then, some are turned off by it. While some lovers are not very good at text messaging, others might feel disrespected by a lack of acknowledgement, while some lovers are comfortable to add each other on ‘every’ social media account (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc.), there are others who don’t like the sound of it. Whether or not following each other on social media accounts is the best thing for your relationship – that is another topic for another day.

These issues might seem trivial on the surface but it is often the beginning to the end of many great relationships out there. It’s quite tricky because it is often admirable to recognise what you want and go hard for it but on the other hand, very few people actually want to be with someone who will do ‘anything’ to have them. Neediness is a form of approval seeking behaviour that relinquishes all your power to the other person cue – ‘mumu button’. It is one thing to be humble and respectful, and another to be completely spineless and out of touch of your own needs. The latter is road to disaster.

Here are subtle signs that you might be operating from ‘neediness’ in a relationship.

You don’t spend alone time with your friends
Games night, Boys night, a girlie hang out! Never underestimate the role of ‘valuable’ friendships in breaching the connection gap you crave when needy. Keep your old friends or make new friends if you can. No matter who you are, and how much you like each other, you both need some time apart here and there as it is much better to have two whole independent people together than for one party to be needy and greedy of the other person’s time.

Get a job or find a hobby
An idle mind is a one way ticket to neediness and even the bible had iterated that ‘an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. You should aim to be so productive in your personal life that an unhealthy obsession over someone would be the last thing on your mind.

You are dominating their social media
One post here and there does not matter but what you don’t want is over the top comments and likes, and even worse is becoming a ‘monitoring spirit’. If you know you have ‘monitoring spirit tendencies’ stay away from having your significant other on your social media accounts as stalking their ‘online life’ can create unnecessary insecurities where there shouldn’t be any.

Making over the top gestures
While it is not a bad thing to spoil or pamper your significant other from time to time, there are times when gifts can become a little too extravagant and over the top. Although, some people want the shiny things of life and flashy lifestyles but I promise you… the right person doesn’t need a lot to be impressed. Once your motives come from a sincere place, you don’t need to break a bank or spend the money you don’t have to make someone love you. And perhaps you decide to choose the contrary, you don’t want love but approval.

I know many of us might have made desperate attempts for love in the past or even right now, feel free to add more signs of neediness and desperation in the comments section below. Let’s also humour ourselves, what was the most shameful thing you’ve ever done for love?

50 Comments on Busola Adedire: Are You the Needy Partner in Your Relationship?
  • Seyi January 28, 2016 at 2:16 pm

    Gosh this article is ????????

    Preach … Neediness is indeed a problem.

  • Ama January 28, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    Neediness is a sin and is very unattractive, very. Less is more, what is too familiar is often not valued. There is dignity in scarcity. Don’t be guilty.

  • JADE January 28, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Me i dont mind over the top gestures o, but please don’t bloww up my phone because you need to know where i am at all times. Why will i doze off in the afternoon and wake up to 73 missed calls and 12 messages from only u? I havent done anything crazy for love, im not even sure i have been inlove sef

    • Fashionista January 29, 2016 at 12:02 am

      73 missed calls and 12 messages? Nne, that is serious abeg! That is no more neediness, its now an obsession.

  • mia January 28, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    Busola, what was the most shameful thing you’ve ever done for love?

  • zara January 28, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    Real post.

  • ANONYMOUS January 28, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    One thing i have to say is this life has no formula.So all this relationship advice here and there doesnt work.there are girls who have loved guys approached them and today they are happily married.wonna leave man all this rules sha.anyman to their own.

  • Tolu January 28, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    The picture doesn’t depict being needy….
    Nice article thou

  • Cookie January 28, 2016 at 3:08 pm

    This is soooo my story right now, I just started dating sm1 abt 6mths and we started having issues this month. He feels im too needy, I complain a lot, nag etc. Mind you dis is bcos I feel we don’t see each other enuf, we live in diff countries. So most of d rltshp is based on calling, chatting, Skype etc.And I find it necessary we communicate all d time. At the start of d rltshp things were cool, he called everyday. Then getting 2wds dec calls started reducing he was always busy, but we wld still chat and talk maybe 3rce.
    The problem started when he came down for xmas break and he was still busy. Only saw him on the 24th and nxt day he was off to d east to be with his parents till after new yr. Came back saw a few times, but he’s tryn to move back, so house hunting and biz runs began. He already told me he wld be mad busy as he had 1mth to find n buy a house, buy a car, office space etc.
    But I got so infraurated with seeing him maybe 1nce/2wce a wk, always travlln for biz. We fought endlessly.
    Now he’s gone back n says he cant deal with my attitude, basically ignoring me right now. Saying I shld do whatever pleases me, hasn’t called me 1nce since he returned few days ago. Iv called him 1nce to apologize for d last fite n make sure he arrived safely. He’s not burging. Nways iv decided to give him a bit of space hoping things change. Or do I just break up d r’ltshp. He hasn’t asked for a break-up, but telln me to do whatever makes me happy is eery.
    For now im giving him space, with d hope hes cooled down nxt week or so. Or cld there be another woman, Im just confused.

    • Amiee January 28, 2016 at 3:42 pm

      Hey Cookie, I know that feeling. Sending you plenty e-hugs. I think you should just let him be for now. There is still so much emotion on the surface and he is likely very mad at you hence asking you to do whatever is necessary. I know you want to talk to bae all the time but whenever bae says he is going to be mad busy (and you know that this is true), you should give him some space to sort his busy and he would have all the time in the world to come see/do stuffs with you. I know that feeling of always wanting to be the one on top of bae’s priority list but you know, life happens and sometimes you fall down to number 3 or 4. It doesn’t mean bae loves you less though. It just means bae needs to do some other things, like get an apartment so you guys can get cozy together whenever you want :).. Also, seeing bae once or twice a week (if you guys don’t leave a stone’s throw from each other and if you both work) is really not a bad deal, although communication is then necessary to keep stuff going. This is really very necessary though, communication I mean. Like I said earlier, give bae a break. Stay away from him for a while. There is no point breaking up with him. What will be your reason? You said you guys have dated for 6months. Well hunnay, that was the honeymoon phase. This is the real relationship where you have to put in all the work so you guys can make it work. All the best dear

      • Ty January 29, 2016 at 7:17 am

        You Nailed it Amiee!! So true.

      • Becca January 29, 2016 at 3:51 pm

        Spot on Amiee!

    • oke . January 28, 2016 at 4:43 pm

      Cookie . cookie how many times did i call u ? ?? u really want your relationship to work?
      Stop trying cos the more u try d more he will pull away .
      please learn how to be busy if u dnt know how to cos it will take ur heart off so many worries .

      READ WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES .

    • Drknite January 28, 2016 at 9:06 pm

      Wow, this dude must be packing some serious d… because he has sent you off your rockers.

    • lacey January 28, 2016 at 10:51 pm

      My dear cookie just arrange yourself and move on especially if you have given him the cookie! He has gotten what he wanted and moved on to another prey! He is a predator and he has made you fall in love, after chasing you and getting, you will now be the one chasing him up down.
      Do not even try to call him,he will continue to mess you up until. you discover that you have just wasted your time!

    • Chy March 12, 2016 at 8:10 am

      Seems he has lost interest. I had a similar experience. A guy dat’s interested in you wouldn’t brush you off this way. You may need to just forget him and move on

  • Ephi January 28, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    Neediness is a complete turn-off even in regular friendship. Well for me, anyway

  • Bruno January 28, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    @Cookie go down on your knees and pray.what is meant to be will be.but if he comes back fine and if he doesn’t a better one would come.Exercise patience.Life is one day at a time.But if you are actually the nagging type u need to calm down.

    • Ello Bae January 29, 2016 at 5:11 am

      Indeed!!!!

    • Cookie January 29, 2016 at 10:35 am

      Awww thanks Bruno, this is really nice coming from you. Thanks guys I have decided to give him some space, wont call or txt for like a week. Let him even miss me for once. I just SMH for our typical naija guys, they honestly feel they are doing us women favours, especially when they are good looking and have a bit of change in dere pockets. Will focus on other aspects of my life, there is nothn as bad as seeming desperate in a relationship.

      • Ready January 29, 2016 at 5:26 pm

        I hope you really got the message, Cookie. Based on what you’ve said, he’s not the problem…your expectations are.
        For someone who’s just relocating, especially to Lagos, and trying to get business and housing covered, he’s likely really stressed right now. House hunting in itself is no joke.
        Having spent 6 months in a relationship, he likely thinks you should know a lot about him by now so your actions must be extra irritating to him currently.

        You giving him space shouldn’t be done out of pettiness. It shouldn’t be a ‘let him miss me small…Naija guys are somehow, etc”. You were wrong (from what you’ve said) and you should occasionally just send him a text or tag him in something funny…basically, you should be a place of peace for him. If you really like him and know he’s a good guy, that is.

  • Becks January 28, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    I’m in the same situation. My boyfriend wants to know everything I do for every second of the day. Been dating for over two years and we’ve been friends for 5years. I really love him but I can’t deal with his neediness. Every hangout must be with him even when it’s just my sister and I? He’s so insecure and its choking. And most times I get bored and unhappy.
    The story is so long, but this is all I can share ?

    • Jamce January 29, 2016 at 5:45 am

      @Becks, this is a clear sign of insecurity and potential control freak and domestic violence. If you can’t get him to stop this attitude now, I will advise that you slow down on the relationship. My 2 kobo.

    • Tosin January 29, 2016 at 8:02 am

      People are different, what they like and what they need to feel safe are different. Me, I try to declare from DAY ONE how it’s going to be. So for example, if you’re calling more than i like, i can just not pick up and later i can explain to you that once a day is fine don’t be angry that’s how i am. or if you’re getting annoyed at my having other friends or even other guys i’m seeing or whatever, i’ll be like brah, that’s how it’s going to be, i like you i like him, sorry. See, the guy will pack up and leave if he doesn’t like it. Which is ok, right? Otherwise he will adjust and stay, which is also ok. No need for one person to make the other uncomfortable….

  • Adenike January 28, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    If I see one more go down on your knees and pray….arrrrgghhhh!!!!!! You are not even married and they have started.

  • Jerry January 28, 2016 at 3:56 pm

    You see i had this girl i loved. As in madly in love with in 2015 and almost too needy to hear from her (she complained about that)… After a while, I just told her i really liked her and immediately stopped all the neediness (me myself, i am thickskinned) and got all busy. So in December, I stopped calling and all…. cos I wasn’t getting a good feedback. Since then, she calls me first and wants to hear from me…. You hear her say things like this when she calls me… “Jerry, where are you. I want to see you”….. lol

    ALL I AM SAYING IS “DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART WANT MORE”… MYSTERY IS GOOD . GET BUSY! GET TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR TIME!

    • Chu-chu January 28, 2016 at 4:38 pm

      Nice! i feel my new conquest is doing same to me, yeye guy thinks he knows all abt women. tells me he’ll call and nvr does. So i do same and nvr ask why didn’t you call? because i know he is expecting the question! Let us be doing ourselves. Don’t need the drama, i really him but i feel his mind games are alil childish. When i meet someone new, i am off. You can’t make me, like you more, by been so hot and cold,

    • Chinel January 29, 2016 at 10:34 am

      True…but ensure you don’t over do it. You might create a vacuum that someone else around her would fill. Balance is everything.

  • Ada January 28, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    Babe, once a week is not bad o. If both of you lived in Lagos, once a week would be awesome even. Just give him the time he needs. Prove to yourself and to him that if push comes right down to shove, you can let him go. Truth is, he may have needed the time he said that he did. BUT again, if he was immensely crazy about you, he would squeeze out time to call or welcome your call when it comes (not at odd times o or during work. More like in the evenings or when you are just about to sleep). So biko, don’t hang yourself over the situation, give him a break, you mah take a break and review things. If he comes back, fine, if he doesn’t come back, ….

  • Bisi January 28, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    @Adenike why dont you want to hear about Prayer. PRAYER ANSWERS EVERYTHING MY SISTER. So cheer up.

  • Honeycrown January 28, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    Aside from all this love and relationship talk, a needy person/friend can be annoying. Some friends hunt you down like a bloodhound just to say hello or something irrelevant. By the time you get back to them, you have to answer their query and account for your absence. Needy people act like they have an umbilical cord that is spiritually connected to others. Get Jesus & Netflix man!

  • cj January 28, 2016 at 6:37 pm

    i may have been guilty of neediness. no matter how busy i am,i always find way to squeeze bae in, call, text and all have u.but the more i come out,the more bae squeezes in. Bae works shift and i full time but even at that, bae always have a way of making it look like the whole work in d office is on her shoulder. we live in diff states, bae will never pick my call if she is out with friends, n i feel so lame calling her friends when she is right there with them. boy can i worry? !!!.
    Well i fugured i have to let her be for sometime, ive reduced my calls, i shaa have bigger issue to worry about. like getting another job.
    point is, bae is enjoying the space she seem not to complain though she rarely does.but she still tracks my chat on fb. yea she figured the pw.
    nice art

    • MC January 29, 2016 at 7:58 am

      Oh gosh! Please stop calling her friends when she doesn’t answer her phone…it certainly won’t do you any favours.

    • sammiewolf January 29, 2016 at 10:34 am

      baba, calling her friend is a no no o!

    • confused dot com January 29, 2016 at 7:47 pm

      CJ, do you need a prophet or herbalist to tell you that she is not into you? she loves someone else.

      she is probably using you as a back up so that when the one she loves fail, she ll fall back to you. learn man

      just try this. dont call or text for a week or two. if she doesnt call or text back, it just confirms all i said above.

      receive sense side bf

  • Dee January 28, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    Lol…. gosh I dislike neediness! Some people can be needy sha. Me just like my space and the girl that will keep me on my toes not some monitoring spirit. As if monitoring can keep me faithful.

  • Drknite January 28, 2016 at 9:09 pm

    Thank you Busola for this article. It’s a must read for all present and future side chicks.

  • Vee January 28, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    Thought bushland adenine was gonna be writing every Monday or something like that…. Anyway, am in for same situation o but I won’t describe myself as needy. Am in an LDR so I think communication is key but boo doesn’t think so. she has told me she doesn’t like LDR bla bla. I call, text but she doesn’t call as much, she doesn’t never reply texts. I on the other hand can speak to her every hour of the day. I feel bad about it. I have decided not to text or even call but she doesn’t seem bothered at all. It takes great effort for me not to call her but I never will give anyone that power to make me happy. I like her sha she says same too but it won’t hurt if she is crazy small about me.

    • Fashionista January 29, 2016 at 12:05 am

      LOL, “Bushland Adenine” bawo?! Please correct your autocorrect biko.

  • Abi January 29, 2016 at 9:21 am

    So what will you say for a bae that travelled for business meetings, and has called twice in 2 wks? The totalling of both calls is not up to 5 mins. You keep calling, he won’t pick. You send a text, free him for a day, call him again; he then calls you back and tells you, you always call at odd hours. Don’t you realise there’s time difference. No apologies, no nothings. Got me speechless!

    • Cookie January 29, 2016 at 10:25 am

      It’s so annoying, these men feel they are doing us a favour, especially the Nigerian one’s. The fact they are single, fine, doing very well career wise, they feel you as the woman has hit the jack-pot. Afterall dos are all the qualities a naija girl is looking for. My bf would expect me to drop everythn im doing once he wants to see me. Feels I shld be available once he snaps his fingers. But when I want to see him, dat isn’t so important.
      You wld wonder if dis isn’t the same guy that was chasing me round just 6mths ago, had to tell him to slow down.
      Read everyone’s comments, I have decided to give him some space for now.

  • sammiewolf January 29, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Abi and Cookie, some of us aren’t big on calls and stuff like that.. It’s the way it is and probably won’t change, ever! Doesn’t mean we love any less. it’s way different from someone not making you top priority. And yes, some people call at the oddest times, If you’re seeing a banker for instance, why call during office hours if it’s not an emergency. Once, I got a call from someone I wasn’t even dating at nearly midnight just to say hi, and when I dropped the phone, guess what…over 20 missed calls from the same person. I think everyone should Just be with their kind, As a rule, I don’t do LDRs ‘cos I suck at them, I’m that kind who enjoys spending time with you, but can sit in silence with you all day just enjoying your company. And as for those who act like they are doing you a favour, (both guys and girls do it)…I think their asses must be dumped. Find someone who thinks the world of you.

  • Brizola January 29, 2016 at 11:21 am

    I am sitting on the fence about being needy. I had a boyfriend that was too needy. he wants to call every other minute, multiple messages, even when i was on holiday abroad, he would call and call and even blame me for network problems. I started worrying too much, he said “i do not know how to love”. He was jobless and i wasn’t and didn’t see why i should be on my phone every minute checking on someone who was probably at home playing fifa. To cut the long story short, he started becoming abusive and he hit me once for defending my friend he was being petty about. I am a strong girl, i usually have zero tolerance for rubbish but that day was the worst day of my life. i didn’t break up immediately because he begged and cried, i forgave him although plotting my exit. I was 22 he was 31. it took he me over 2 years to get over that relationship. I think guys/girls that are too needy are insecure. I tried getting into another relationship which i thought was perfect. it barely lasted 4 months or 6 weeks so to speak. This guy just wouldn’t communicate, i am comfortable but i think a man should be able to take responsibilities without being i told. He wanted to settle down, but i knew nothing about his finances or his family or when he had money or broke. I moved to his city and paid for and furnished a house with zero contribution from him. He has a good job, nice car, expensive clothes and I’m like i don’t understand. i complained severally but it was as if i was talking to a stone. I didn’t ask for anything but this guy would rather take me to club and buy champagne that i don’t drink. I travelled to see my family for the holidays and not even a bottle of wine from my supposed boyfriend. i even ordered gifts from neiman marcus for him. i decided to drop him with the old year. I am at a point where i know exactly what i want and can’t afford to settle. I don’t think talking to your partner at least two times a day is too much to ask for. If someone truly cares about you, they won’t hesitate to make you their priority no matter how busy.

    • confused dot com January 29, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      You are a true reflection of “girls dont know what they want”

      You had a lover who loved you to death even cried but you left him cos he was too needy according to you.

      Now you had a direct opposite of the one you hated, you are now complaining. You are the one that is now too needy

      figure out what you want my friend

      • madamnk January 29, 2016 at 9:05 pm

        he hit her. That’s not loving someone to death abeg. Domestic violence usually gets worse, imagine what he would have done if it had something to do with a male friend and not a female in this case.

  • Missappleberry January 29, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Did you read the part where she said he hit her???

  • alwayshappy January 29, 2016 at 10:46 pm

    Yes neediness is so unattractive and quite annoying because yes i agree its another form of “always seeking approval or validation from others” or ” trying too please others too much” , No whole person can have a healthy love of themselves and be doing needy creature up and down. If a need person is not self aware to realize they are needy wahala dey

  • RiRi January 30, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    Nice article but it’s very bad to plagiarise. I don’t know why you felt the need to pass this article off as your own when it’s already on Google.. You changed a few minor things here and there but lifted all the information form this article : theartofcharm.com/confidence/5-signs-needy-affecting-life/

    Let’s try our best to be original and be true to the ethics of journalism. There’s too many copy and paste bloggers going around. Please stop it!

    • Oluwabusola Adedire February 1, 2016 at 10:30 am

      There are so many articles on being needy on the internet as every information is no new information. You might want to read both articles again and tell me if it is exactly the same.

  • tiana February 2, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    @brizola ur story is not too different from mine. my ex was just too needy. from d start it was cute and romantic t0 av sum1 who just want to be with me, hear from me and chat with me all day, but later it got irritating. i could not hang out with my girl frds without him feeling sad nd jealous that i abandoned him all day. even wen im busy at home cooking or doing laundry and im not able to chat with him he gets so angry and jealous and at that moment thinks im with another guy. d list is so endless, v never seen that kind of neediness b4 i talked to him about it, he claims its love and he never changed. had to dump his ass even tho it hurts. fast forward to 2 years later that i decided to date again, my new guy is so caring but not needy. we talk evryday but wen im busy he knows im busy and he is not a pest. the one time he calls me 4.45a.m cos he wakes before me to go to work. had to tell him not to try that with me again nd wake me up that early. and that was it. he adjusted with no fight. EVERY LADY WANTS SOME1 WHO CARES BUT NEEDINESS AIINT SEXY

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