Uchechukwu Orji: Sin, Sex & D-I-Y

DIYSo I and my friends were sitting together as usual and discussing all the different ways we were going to change the world. Suddenly my friend blurted, “ I think I am a masturbator”. Immediately, like Bingo (our dog) when he sees food, our eyes widened and our previously bored body postures became alert ready for the tea to be spilled.

Ok, first of all,(I say this shamefully) it is very funny that despite our good intentions to talk about important things like inventing the next big thing or becoming corporate giants in our different fields, every single time, our conversations always veer towards sex, men and relationships. I blame raging hormones and minimal sexual experience. Anyway, I digress.

So when this friend made this very impressive confession, we pressed her for details and she revealed something very interesting. She explained that sometimes when she felt like peeing, she would hold the pee in and think some x-rated thoughts. After some time, she would experience a feeling akin to release and then she would pee. According to her, she had been doing this for a long time and didn’t feel anything was wrong with it; but after listening to some thought-provoking, conscience-piercing sermon in church, she felt she has been sinning unknowingly all this while…as this act implied that she has been sexually pleasuring herself. She, however, wanted to know our opinion (probably so we could make her feel good…side eye at you madam-u-know yourself).

Anyway, her confession provoked a very lively debate and even more confessions. Another friend stated that for her, she wanted to know at what point pre-marital sex became a sin. Does oral sex count? If all she experienced was some “touching body” through the cloth, does that count as a sin? Does sex mean there must be total taking off of clothes and actual penetration? What of dry humping? So long as there was no nakedness, there was no sex nau? What if you guys do not have sex but by different forms of “touching”, you guys have an orgasm? Technically, there was no sin since there was no sex. What of blow jobs? Since we had no reply to her 99 questions, I dryly stated that since a mouth could be impregnated so there was a big probability it was sex(see kanye’s rap in drunk-in-love remix).

Then we moved to the subject of ‘technical virginity.’ If you have taken and give head – or let me rephrase – if you take and give head on a regular basis and perform every other thing except penetration, would you still be called a virgin? Or what about one of our mutual acquaintances, let’s call her ‘L’ who kept saying that she was a virgin only for her to tell us later that she only does anal because she was keeping her “virginity” for her husband. In my head, I’m like yimu, shoro ni yen.

I remembered a very hilarious experience my mum told me about. She said that after noticing that lots of teenagers were leaving one church(which is one of Nigeria’s very conservative churches), the pastor then decided to have a teenager’s conference so as to make the teens know that the church was still hip and cool. However during the conference, one very cheeky twelve year old quasi-teenager asked whether God will be angry if she allowed her boyfriend to suck her breasts? The pastor could not believe his ears. For a while he was rendered speechless, it took an assistant pastor to come to his rescue and give a plausible explanation. I think the heart broken pastor could not believe that this supposedly innocent child could be having thoughts like this.

My own question was that the Bible said we should keep the marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13v4), it didn’t say anything about the marriage rug or marriage table (or car or bathroom or garden etc ), all it said was bed. So we’re we free to do it in every other place apart from the bed? (Yeah, I know that was a very foolish question.)

However, since we didn’t have any reasonable answer to all these questions because every answer had a comma and could easily be defeated by a little logical reasoning, we just sat down and changed the topic before we died on top of the matter. So I am throwing the question open to you. At what point is the line crossed? If someone has la-di (in Phyno, Olamide and Lil Kesh voice),will that person be said to have had sex? Also if you have had an experience similar to my friend’s above, please give us a more graphic explanation. I’m afraid my hearsay statements were not detailed enough.

By the way, in a totally unrelated and unimportant news, I feel like eating chinge(insects fried in deep oil) and garri. The thing don dey hungry me since yesterday. Like I said, totally unrelated and unimportant. Ok, bye.

Photo Credit: Foto.com.ng | Nsoedo Frank

47 Comments on Uchechukwu Orji: Sin, Sex & D-I-Y
  • TheAnswer March 23, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    The answer to this question from the Bible is “Matthew 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

  • Shaday March 23, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    1. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phil 4:8
    2. If those questions above weren’t rhetorical, then see number one for answer. If all you listed unsex sex can pass as any of the qualities listed then yep dry humping (and co) is holy.
    3. It was a good read. Loved the light hearted and dry humor.
    4. Twenty two yeah, OK. Now I get the questions.
    5. You love God? Erm… Okay, scratch number one, you should know that.

  • j’suis belle March 23, 2016 at 10:42 pm

    my dear GOD says we should keep ourselves until we are married and again the bible says our body is the temple of the HOLY SPIRIT so we shouldn’t defile it. i know how hard it is to keep your self till you are married to that special one especially these days where one can easily get pornographic materials that would lure us into temptation but hold on.
    And to ur friends who practice oral and anal SEX,make them understand that SEX is SEX,just as SIN is SIN and there is no pet name for what it is. and i truely wonder if any man will take a girl whose butt hole(forgive my choice of words) is as large as the continents map serious when she tells him am a virgin,it will be very contradictory and will appear foolish if u ask me.so dear keep your front and behind till you meet that special somebody. There is always a difference and it is what will make dat moment special.

  • Avosiya March 23, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    Its about PURITY not Virginity (cos virginity is not the hard part). See an old post from my blog
    allavosiyatalk.blogspot.com.ng/2015/10/purity-not-just-virginity.html

  • Oga o March 23, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    This is such an insanely inane article.

    • Huh March 24, 2016 at 7:05 am

      And I’m wondering what is “Inane” about it.

  • Thumbs up March 23, 2016 at 11:22 pm

    I m far from perfect, but just wanter 2 say kudos 2all of d above christain commenters for taking time out to set things straight!

  • Californiabawlar March 24, 2016 at 12:00 am

    ? I’m here thinking of how interesting my next peeing session is going to be….hehehehehohoho??

    ??please don’t judge me….and I won’t judge you…**song till fade**

    • Ada Nnewi March 24, 2016 at 9:11 am

      I love you!!!!??????

    • whocares March 24, 2016 at 11:30 am

      @C.B- oga o (na wa o) with this peeing business, ase ona kan o de oyo (so one road does not lead to oyo) I have never heard of it until now.

      • Ikido March 24, 2016 at 2:44 pm

        Madam you have heard of it, as that is what is scientifically referred to as ‘Squirting’

      • whocares March 24, 2016 at 2:57 pm

        @Ikido- but she said she holds the pee in.. that is not squirting. Squirting is not peeing now abi? Ma lo go o.. if a girl gives you golden shower and she says she was squirting #oyo niyen o. Oti mu iyo mo omi (you have drank salt with water) loool. ,squirting specifically happens when you orgasm, so it is the build up during sex, not before sex. But I suppose in this ladies case, squirt, pee, all na join.

      • Koffie March 24, 2016 at 4:35 pm

        I’ve been meaning to ask you, have you at any point lived in Abeokuta or other parts ofOgun state? Or are you from there?

    • Icrossmyheart March 24, 2016 at 11:53 am

      ??? too funny
      golden showers or gold shower……any peeing session will do as long as no penetration. You are still considered holy according to many Naija christians.

  • tamy March 24, 2016 at 12:08 am

    Dear writer,i thnk we’v both been bitten by d garri ‘bug’ (chinge no dey hungry me,but garrie wit cold water nysly roasted groundnut) hmmmm

  • nunulicious March 24, 2016 at 12:26 am

    Chinge is also known as Esusu in yoruba pronounced [a-suh-suh]
    wonder what its called in efik, hausa, etc.

    …passing by.

  • ogo March 24, 2016 at 12:32 am

    Like they say” na from clap dance dey start”. Sex is simply sex! Stop separating foreplay, touching and blabla from sex.

    Our mind and conscience already tells us when we are going wrong, but these days we want people to validate us, tell us what we know already.

    The problem is many people aren’t even busy, so idle thought,and evil actions and conditional relationships start building up.

    To overcome this we must learn to stop depending so much on the love of a man/woman, and lean more on God’s grace and love. Don’t ever get into a relationship because you are lonely or bored.

  • Tosin March 24, 2016 at 1:51 am

    In fact, you are under arrest with immediate effect. Immediate effect.

  • Late bloomer March 24, 2016 at 2:01 am

    So this got me thinking all I’ve had is a kiss and rigorous squeeze of my breast from my boyfriend it means all that does not count right

    • Mr. Egghead March 24, 2016 at 6:35 am

      Ah! You don commit!

    • ekama March 24, 2016 at 8:41 am

      See as she emphasise oh…..”rigorous” babe u have sin the sin ohhh. So if ikpoki dey worry u,better do am finish ohhh. Cause sin na sin or u stop the rigorous touching

  • Zainab March 24, 2016 at 6:50 am

    Inside our heart of heart we all know what is right. Since i cant allow my boyfriend to squeeze my breast or finger me in front of my parent or his siblings that makes it indecent, i should not do same under close door. But then we are human we all make mistake most especially ME

    • Noms March 24, 2016 at 9:52 am

      @Zainab, I guess you can allow your husband squeeze your breast and finger you in the presence of your parents since we all know sex isn’t sin for married couples.

    • Just teasing March 24, 2016 at 2:26 pm

      Chai @Zainab I didn’t know that you can do the do under a door…Let me go and tell hubby so we can add this to improve our sex life hehe… Abeg… na joke oh!

    • Mariann March 24, 2016 at 5:40 pm

      My dear, even your husband cannot squeeze your breast or finger you in front of your parents or siblings. is that still a sin when he does it behind closed doors???

  • dumebi marie March 24, 2016 at 7:02 am

    Lol@ the peeing. I used t do that for ages… yes it’s sin. Juanita bynum’ “no more sheets” set me straight on that… oral is sex, that’s why it’s called oral sex…

  • K March 24, 2016 at 7:29 am

    Please is kissing a sin ?

    • kezhia March 24, 2016 at 4:26 pm

      Yes, it is!
      If you kiss somebody and you are not married. You will be banished to hell! HELL, I TELL YOU!!!
      CAN YOU FEEL THE FIRE BURNING!
      LOL

      • kezhia March 24, 2016 at 4:32 pm

        Gurll I am just playing with you! Kissing is not a sin.
        It’s only a sin if you use your tongue, that’s a straight pass to the burning pit.

  • keke driver March 24, 2016 at 9:30 am

    Choi, But I want to make heaven o, God help us, it’s sooo difficult.

  • ? March 24, 2016 at 10:40 am

    Welp, guess I am going to hell then!

  • Glo March 24, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Loved Loved the article especially how fun the discussion with your friends sounds. Now am off to the ladies room…been holding this pee for way too long *winks*

  • sammiewolf March 24, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    I tire o…I stopped attaching importance to virginity when some of my female friends started telling me about their escapades which basically included everything else but penetration. In some cases sef, there was partial penetration, meaning you could marry a ‘virgin’ who’s really not one. Abeg, let’s move on to more important things-like getting uche some insects!

  • Tunmi March 24, 2016 at 2:46 pm

    Have sex if you want, don’t have sex if you don’t want. Sha stay safe. And if your relationship with your God is important, define it as you want.

    • bee March 24, 2016 at 3:28 pm

      Best comment in my opinion. Lets now wait for the reliogious freaks, hypocrites etc to get on us. Cos we know lots of ppl commenting here quoting the bible r still having sex out of marriage.

    • bee March 24, 2016 at 3:29 pm

      *** religious

    • kezhia March 24, 2016 at 4:23 pm

      Honestly!

  • Koffie March 24, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    I prayed that all my ‘thirst’ for ‘sexual congruence’ should go away and it might be a coincidence or stress-related but I don’t get urges again. Like fiam! I feel nothing (for about 9 weeks now) and I’m now scared sef. I want my hormones back Dear Lord, I don’t want to be frigid fa.

  • Chu March 24, 2016 at 4:57 pm

    People love God and say what His word is, it can’t be sugar coated to make people feel ok. Anyone saying all this religious folks probably feels guilty one way or the other, if not why should a person’d comment irk you? Live and let live.

  • K mama March 24, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    People attach so much importance to virginity, forgetting that people make mistakes. As long as you’re pure in heart, then you’re good.

    Masturbation is a sin. Any act with your guy which will lead to sex is a sin as long as you’re not married. For those that think it’s difficult try not staying alone with the guy for too long. Set your boundaries at the beginning of the relationship. #shikena.

  • deedee March 24, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Hmmm, interesting read, i have practiced the “peeing” thing once out of curiosity, when a friend told me about it (*hides face*), .
    Virginity is a beautiful thing, if you are still one and intend to wait till your wedding night, that’s great, i wish i still had mine sha.

  • Sinner March 25, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    I found out about the peeing thing accidentally on my own before I came came across it years later on a blog. For me it happens when I am really pressed and can’t use the bathroom immediately. Just when it threatens to flow I hold it in, just like Kegel and shiver deliciously. Do everywhere, especially in the office. If that is a sin, then I am a happy sinner. I just turned 30, and was something of a religious freak in my teens and early 20s. First real kiss at 23, first peek at a penis at 23, first penetration and sexual experience of any sort at 25. I was team virgin till marriage life happened. And good thing it did cos prior to that I was a clueless somebody who didn’t know her own body and thought I deserved everything good cos I was a virgin. Now I know my body and I love it. Still single, waiting for Mr Right and no breast sucking or giving and receiving head or such in between. That is just hypocrisy. If you can do that then why not go the whole way and get you some? Smh. Looking forward to wonderful humping sessions with my boo. Until then I will wait, not out of fear of hell but cos I value my body and have no time really for man drama. Girls, if you must do the do, please be safe.

  • tunde March 25, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    firstly, to be more factual here, oral sex is “SEX”. according to the diction of sex, it’s the act of physical and emotional communication of a male or a female human. So I don’t think there is any fact or truth that justifies oral sex as a sex, in fact, ” ORAL SEX” has been considered as one of the greatest sin in a man’s life. Secondly, according to the bible, it been written that “a man’s body is the temple of GOD” that is, you dare not to defile the body and if you do, you shall fall short of the glory of God. And thirdly, that lady performing such an impulsive SIN needs to be delivered from it or else, her destiny would be doomed forever.
    Thank you.

  • ody March 26, 2016 at 3:26 pm

    Nice piece. A Very engaging one.

  • Ajima Simon Sarah March 30, 2016 at 10:05 am

    The bible made it clear that marriage with bed undefiled is not talking about the bed we sleep on. It’s your body and not the matras. We should not be carried away by whether car or rug pls. No touch your back for ground till after marriage. Hahahahahahahah keep standing up till you marry lol

  • Darlluh March 30, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Well sweet baby sis, your write up is a mind blowing one giving the contemporary age time we are into. Youths in most part of the western world dont see sex as anything, be it giving head,neck or throats. Every young children wanna have a lover who they can try out a few sexual practices with no thanks to the uncensored media and internet which has formed the basis for arousal and imagination.
    But Gods standard is that the point its conceived in the heart it becomes a sin. That is why purity and sanity begins from inside the mind of an individual. God help us. We are all guilty of seeing one booty passing just in front of you and shaking up all over….hmmmm!!!! I rest my case here cheychey baby

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