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FRIDAY TRACK: Loovu Wan TinTin

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Kilon Sparkles!

Why are married men such bad ambassadors for the sport? In my teens, all the home videos and toilet sink banter seem to suggest that women were the bad apples in team marriage – supposedly they nag, complain, and are just damn right ungrateful.

These days, if the average Nigerian man’s tone is anything to go by then I think the roles might have just reversed and crashed into the side wall. At this current speed, we may just have a 100% record of men leaving the marriage as the ‘victim’, filing for divorce citing irreconcilable differences a.k.a. mental gidigbo.

In Lagos city, whenever you put a married man amongst a bunch of young single people – somehow the conversation is destined to swerve towards how the single people “don’t understand”, “have any problems” or my favourite “enjoy yourself NOW” before the school fees monster makes snickers of your balls. Somewhere in all of this is “….but don’t let me discourage you, marriage is a beautiful thing…”

Errr…cheers thanks!

As 30 fast approaches, I find that 1 in 3.5 people I meet will ask about the “special one”. I get it in my grandma’s parlour, at my lace merchant, at the pharmacy, even a Bonix waiter enthusiastically said to me on Saturday, “…oga, we go do your own o”.

Ki lo de! Na by force?

For as long as I could remember, I pulled the old trick out-the-bag and respond with “…I’m waiting for my older ones..,” that was okay in my early 20s, today, nosey-parkers are quick to respond with “it doesn’t matter..” or in nija English, “it doesn’t mean…” please what exactly does that actually mean?

Then I tried the I’m looking for my Suliat from Aiyetoro, then I realised, that the village girl seal of approval got buried with the Millennium – it is no longer applaudable to desire the village virgin. In this new decade, even your TURA-bleaching aunt will greet that remark with “se ko si?”

In fairness to the married men tribe, they never ask that cliché question; perhaps it’s because they are too preoccupied in trying to get out of theirs, you can marry your Mouka foam with a DIY-hole in it for all they care.

Sit with anyone who has been married for more than 3 years and he’ll suck the love and life out of marriage for you. He persistently seem like something is chasing him – he’s short tempted – likely to have a shot of Hennessey during office hours – more likely to talk about that guy in their office who just “hit it big time”. Just look out for him the next time you’re at your local ‘point and kill’, he’s the guy with his suit on at 10pm. Go home!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s either the wife is mounting pressure on the summer vacation debate or the mother-in-law is turning 60 next week and his kind wife has made him a member of the planning committee or the child is changing schools next term – there’s always something wrong. Either that or he suddenly has “found God”.

Which forces me to ask the 5kobo question – when does it turn from love to ‘I beg jo’? Because at the 2,000-seater hall reception, husband and wife danced their way through the red carpet – sweeping the floor with what seemed to be jubilation dance to a badly mixed selection of cliché wedding songs – D’Banj’s Fall in Love & P-Squared’s No One Like you – it looked so promising.

Champagne-thirsty friends cheered them on so that they can sit quickly and for the champagne bottles to start appearing (don’t be fooled newlyweds, MOET & Veuve Cliquot are the real stars of the day). Even, the love cynic gets mushy and reminisce to the person sitting next to them about the couple’s first date and how the groom used to confess his undying love for his bride over bottles of Star Lager, or how he used to send her recharge cards and get upset if he wasn’t the first person she called once activated, and how he once carried a doggy bag of paella from her favourite restaurant in Barcelona as hand luggage.

Well, perhaps the preoccupation shouldn’t have been is Otunba Pasuma playing at my wedding; it should have been will this person turn into an area mama in a couple of years.

Perhaps all the energy shouldn’t have been wasted on where the stag-do should hold, it should be will I be able to go away with my wife next year. It’s not letting your wife insist that Saheeto must do your samosa, it should be will I be able to chop belle-full in years to come.

Truly, in all the complaints I hear from disgruntled married men, it all boils down to a simple analysis – he simply didn’t think about it enough!

If most are honest with themselves, they’d realise that perhaps if they’d listened to homeboy Proverb “He who fails to plan, plans to fail…”, they might just have a slightly different take on team marriage.

This week’s Friday Track is a toast to South Africa who has made us very proud; forget the cowards in Uganda who tried to steal the limelight. Enjoy some South African House music with Black Coffee featuring Bucie, this is Superman.

PS: I too intend to take note from this semi-preachy gospel but I’m still having Wasiu play at my owambe sha. LOL!

31 Comments

  1. yaya

    July 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    gud stuff

  2. africhic

    July 16, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Nice article.

    Why was there no article last week?

  3. Molicious

    July 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    I like it… think before you act abi…simple as it seems

  4. mimi

    July 16, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Lol…very funny and refreshing…especially the part of a guy who carries a doggy bag of paella from her favourite restaurant in Barcelona as hand luggage…..Hmmm if a guy is so sensitive and sweet to do that for me, i no go give am any wahala for house at all…i’ll be loving you all the way till the end!!! lol. Truth is marriage is not easy,from all that ive heard and seen, living with one person for a long period of time can get boring, both parties have to try different things to spice it up despite huddles that are inevitable. So as for you Bobo, I always say….”One day you’ll find that special person that will make all your excuses non-existent”.

  5. Dr Dee

    July 16, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Bobo I loved this pice, great job! You seem to be speaking from the inner sactums of my mind. I have refused to rush into marriage despite parental and societal pressures and expectations. I’ll rather be single till i am mentally ready and find the right partner.

  6. nikky jay

    July 16, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    very nice. i like!

  7. so-solid

    July 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Lmao!! U crack me up allll d time,I lov lov loovvvv d way u write with such humour….kip em comin..xoxo

  8. Iya2

    July 16, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Kilon Sparkles!
    I love it!
    Been married over ten years and yeah it is hard work ….. basically
    1. marry your friend
    2. A friend you like
    3. A friend you wanna boink
    4. A friend you can take anywhere (In short, a friend you are proud of)
    5. A friend you have a similar value system with
    6. have money and Stay friends

  9. ego

    July 16, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    i don’t want to ever get married!

  10. Dee

    July 16, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Another brilliant piece Bobo!!

  11. cherchezlacurl

    July 16, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Hilarious!

  12. Kemi

    July 16, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    Nice one. Funny how I n a friend of mine were all up in this whole marraige discussion this evening. Everyday I hear stories of failed or quarter to fail marriages. It reach to ask when it turns from love to abeg jo. for me it gets scarier by the day..

  13. rj

    July 16, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    lmao @ or in nija English, “it doesn’t mean…” please what exactly does that actually mean?
    Keep it up!

  14. Ijé

    July 16, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Hahaha, you did it again. Priceless!

  15. Olivia M

    July 17, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Hmmmn..Bobo mi you try o.The most fun part of this article is ‘you can marry your Mouka foam with a DIY-hole ‘..lmbo..Enjoy your weekend.

  16. Toyin

    July 17, 2010 at 4:17 am

    Funny article! I always wonder how older generation couples like my parents who were born in the 1940’s. 50’s and 60’s make marriage look so easy! In my opinion, “Till death do us apart” is one of the most terrifying phrase ever.

  17. F

    July 17, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Amazing article. Great humour mixed in with the truth!

  18. misstee

    July 17, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    well written bobo…i always kep telling the single ladies to take their time…i guess iv overlooked d fact that men also don’t do their homework b4 jumping in….for hubby and i,it’s gotten better with time.God help us all.

  19. bebe

    July 17, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    lmao @ Mouka foam with a DIY-hole

  20. trix

    July 17, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Feeling d tune!!!big big tune!

  21. Moo

    July 18, 2010 at 6:54 am

    Marriage can b scarry when u read/hear d opinion of d married,but u ill still want to look 4ward to it. B4 u go into it prepare 4 d good bad and d ugly.

  22. jim

    July 18, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    marriage is a beauty to hold. it depends on how u go on with it because it’s God’s designed

  23. jim

    July 18, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Get hooked and u’re into a wonderful world

  24. Labby

    July 18, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Wow,…HILARIOUS!!!!yet soooo true,..keep it up Bobo!

  25. vickky

    July 18, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    Im equally in stitches with Olivia M and Bebe over the thought of “marrying a Mouka foam with a DIY hole “. whatever else will bobo think up next……You go guy!!! keep up the good work
    Also love the rules to good friendship @iya2. they really work.

  26. Ujubaby

    July 18, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    yawns!!!

  27. Tew mad

    July 19, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    food for freakin thought!! even relationships with not vows are hard enuff. baggage from the past and each partners insecurities can ruin a good thing. We are all flesh and no one wants tosacrifice or be told what to do. We all are secret rebels! its the humility that G-d has given us that allows us to keep the sanctity of marriage together. be humble enough to support you spouse regardless of finances. let you focus be on constant forgiveness and abounding in love. While we were yet sinners, christs love was more abound. My flesh has a fit at such immense expectations!! ABOUND IN WATT?? Do you know this dude is an IRRITANT! LOL. AGAPE LOVE covers a multitude of faults. Let us be meek and lowly. Mary J said it best jare *singing* Love is all we need to make everything complete.

  28. Myne Whitman

    July 19, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    true talk o

  29. sweet16

    August 21, 2010 at 3:27 am

    you are sooooo on point.

  30. Ready

    October 29, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    I love your writing style…makes me feel like I’m reading something out of GQ or Esquire but with Naija flavor so that make it much more awesome.

  31. pizzazz890

    November 28, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    this piece is really good and to a certain extent true but I’m not really feelin the tura-bleached aunty,cuz tura will be insulted… but the

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