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From Pain To Peace

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Imagine what life would be like without the pain of disappointments, betrayals or heartbreak.

Imagine how free everyone would be; like little children, we would all wear our hearts on our sleeves and express our true desires and emotions without the fear of being taken advantage of and hurt in the process.

Imagine the comfort of knowing that every single person you meet has your best interests at heart, and you also carry nothing but noble intentions toward them.

Alright, I need to stop here before I disappear into my imagination and decide I want to make that my home all over again.

But really, wouldn’t that be Paradise on earth? The bliss of human existence which has probably only been enjoyed by Adam and Eve in Eden.

On this side of our reality, getting hurt is a natural process in life. Just like in those Mafia movies we watch, where to become an accepted part of the Family, you have to ‘make your bones’; getting hurt is also one of the assured ways of being assimilated into the human experience.

Not even children are spared from pain; whether it’s the physical pain of falling down an entire flight of stairs at the tender age of one (that happened to me, hence the scar on my lip) or the more damaging pain of being abused by a trusted family member or stranger, we find that children are actually the most vulnerable to getting hurt.

Then you crossover into the land of Adulthood; where you had believed in all your years as a child, is the beginning of your freedom and living la vida loca. A rude shock awaits you as you reach the borders and find out that you were probably even better off as a child.

At least as a child, it was okay to bawl your face up in an ugly expression and cry your heart out. It’s funny how it’s only when it comes to kids that we run toward them at their most unattractive. As in really, if children only knew how ugly they looked when they cry, they wouldn’t hesitate to hush up and suck pain like real Men and Women.

But as an Adult, you somehow take pride in the thought that ‘big girls don’t cry’ and so engage pain with a determination to maintain your illusion of maturity, forgetting that you can’t exactly run away from something that emanates from within you.

We are taught that ‘Time heals all wounds’, and have believed it so much that we imagine that as the second hand on our clocks tick away, so the deep wounds in our subconscious inch toward the ultimate point of healing.

That statement has only an element of truth in it. Time in itself cannot heal any wound; it is what you actively do to treat a wound within a period of time that determines the outcome of that particular hurt.

It’s the same as in physical wounds; when you have a deep cut, if you don’t treat, disinfect and cover it, it will only get worse and eventually spread the infection to other parts of your body. So what began as a small cut on your foot can end up making you lose the entire leg to amputation.

How are we to know, when we are thrust into the jungle of emotions, that we are responsible for our own healing and eventual happiness?

The first thing that we all probably need to accept is the fact that in life we will hurt other people, and get hurt ourselves. It’s inevitable, as the human species is deeply flawed and we have been contaminated with the cancer of self-centeredness. So everyone goes about looking for their own good, and in the process, will leave deep marks on the hearts of others.

If we can’t change this fact, and we know in our hearts that we’ve also been responsible for other people’s tears, then we at least owe it to ourselves to take responsibility for our healing process when we get hurt.

Its okay to let the water works loose. There is absolutely nothing wrong in allowing yourself to feel the raw, intense emotion that comes with disappointment or betrayal, especially from someone who you trusted or attached a lot of expectation to.

You will be cheating yourself, if you do not embrace the hurt and allow yourself to mourn the situation. Contrary to what you have been made to believe, it is NOT a sign of weakness. It actually takes a lot of strength to acknowledge the fact that you have been deeply hurt, and reach within yourself to connect with the point of breakage.

Don’t give in to the foolish pride that doesn’t want you to accept that this person was actually able to touch the deepest parts of you by their actions or inactions. You are not a fool for opening your heart to someone. In fact you are very brave for being able to give someone access into your innermost chambers in which your deepest desires, hopes, fears and truths are stored.

You have a right to feel hurt, and an even greater right to express that hurt in the purest form possible. Even if you are like me who sometimes finds it difficult to cry; still do not attempt to run away from it. Search for the pain within yourself and explore it till it has no choice but to express itself.

Beware though, as this can sometimes be tricky. The pain may want to express itself through retaliation either directly to the person who hurt you, or to other people. Do not let it. Remember the key is in you remaining in control of your pain.

Use it; don’t let it use you.

The pain may want to transform itself to hatred. But again don’t give it that pleasure, because regardless of what you may now feel, there was a reason why you opened your heart to the person who hurt you in the first place.

Hurting them is NOT going to set you free. No, it will only drive you further into your prison of fear and insecurity, where you are frequently tortured by the recurring pain of memories, especially if they seem to be free from the burden you carry.

Finding resuscitation for a diminished soul through the inflicting of pain on others will never give you the satisfaction that you seek. It may make you feel good temporarily, but that feeling is very short-lived.

Another thing to note is that there is Purpose in Pain.

Why do I feel this way right now?

What exactly am I feeling in this moment?

How can I get beyond this?

How did I contribute in the circumstances that have brought me to this point?

What can I take away from this?

Renew your perception of pain, from something you need to escape from, to something that can be good for you.

Do not give into the temptation to make everyone but yourself responsible for the way you feel right now.

Embrace Pain as a Cleansing Agent.

Sometimes, the broken relationship may not be restored; but it always helps to communicate your feelings to the person who hurt you.

Even if you can’t directly reach them, the best thing you can do for yourself, to attain your own healing, is to honestly express exactly how you feel.

You can share with a neutral party, talk to God or sort out within your own head. The key is to not fight the feelings, but to understand them, while keeping your healing as the goal.

You deserve to experience Love, Peace and Joy every single day of your life; the only person who can make that happen for you is YOU.

Finally, invest yourself in the happiness of another person.

One reason why we are sometimes trapped in our own hurts is because we are too focused on our own experience that we shut ourselves up to the pain and cries for help from other people around us.

Come out of yourself. See the hurt of another person, and commit yourself to their own healing.

Give. Share. Forgive.

As I stretch out my hand through this article, my hope is that you take you take a hold of it and together we can all ascend to the realm of Peace, which not even the bravest of men have had the courage to aspire to.

We can make this happen. We can chart this course.

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Tari’s blog is www.tariere.blogspot.com; you can also follow TariEkiyor on Twitter

28 Comments

  1. Chris

    August 25, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Amazing write up, A good one for the morning…lol

    http://www.screwlife.com

  2. omogekofo

    August 25, 2010 at 11:01 am

    so long a piece………..lemme read through and come back.

    *1st*…….to comment.
    winky

    • Ms. Jayee

      August 30, 2010 at 12:35 pm

      no u were not!

  3. Amodee

    August 25, 2010 at 11:03 am

    This was quite moving. How can one express their feelings of hurt if the person that hurt them will not even give them a chance to express it or even listen? This is something that I’m feeling now. I was hurt by a situation and felt I need closure but the other party won’t give me the chance to……very frustrating. Oh well.
    Kudos to the writer!

  4. 2kobo

    August 25, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Easier said than done…some say forgiveness of others is hard but i think forgiveness of self is hardest…when one honestly and without bias reviews/analyses the situation/relationship that is/was the cause of the pain, one may either find that part/all of the fault lies with them…this is the cause of regret, which in some cases can last lifetime or in the most extreme of cases, suicide…

    but what regret really is, is the inability to forgive self…this is the perennial battle for me and i’ve been to hell and bk trying to win…whatever i do, say, think doesnt seem to shake it off…does anyone else struggle with self-forgiveness? how hav u been able to surmount it? i need tips pls

  5. oladips

    August 25, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Tari is still undefeated

  6. Pinky

    August 25, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    This couldn’t have come at a better time for me… Thanks
    The phrase that stood out the most to me is “Time in itself cannot heal any wound; it is what you actively do to treat a wound within a period of time that determines the outcome of that particular hurt.”
    I will start working on my healing process from this minute… Life is too short…

  7. Ty

    August 25, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Freakin long……..nice write up thou.pls,try not 2 make ur write up so long next time…

  8. Disbabe

    August 25, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    This was the perfect article for what I am going through now. Thanks so much for this. Sometimes i wonder why honesty is so hard to give someone..

  9. Emdeeeee

    August 25, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    ….dis is lyk an xray thru my soul….hmmmm

  10. Whatever

    August 25, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Fantastic write up

  11. D.O.T.M.H.

    August 25, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    🙂

  12. Fehintola

    August 25, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Too long..stopped reading midway..i know reading is fundamental…but this is suppose to be a leisure read right? 🙂

  13. Chika*

    August 25, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    I don’t know about you, but, heartbreak is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. I have tried so many ways to forget about the aches but nothing seems to be working. My heart doesn’t understand and refuses to understand why I wanted to move on from the only thing that made sense to her (in terms of love). The only way my heart could still get some rest is because I keep telling her (i.e. my heart) that, he is coming back. I keep praying to God everyday to bring him back to me for the sake of me (my heart). I keep telling her that, we work by faith not by sight. What I am seeing now, is physically impossible, but I know with God, nothing is impossible. I know God made him specially for me and no one can take him away from me. Amen!

  14. ego

    August 25, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    you do have the ability to bore people with ur write ups. Goodness!!! what is this? give me strength! Are you some kind of motivational/inspirational speaker? i don’t understand this.

    • nekiss

      August 26, 2010 at 4:36 pm

      I wonder y some people cant see some good in something good. this write up is quite inspirational, educative and all. If you cant read long articles, no qualms, but pls dont discredit the writer for that. She has to exhaust all that is within her so as to make some sense. That is what happens when you write out of inspiration…. pls be guided. A big thanks to the writer, I will start practicing how to get healed, cos I am really hurting at the moment

  15. shukie

    August 25, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    I like….

  16. seriously?!

    August 27, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    dear miss tari,i know u re a good writer/blogger but u need to make sure ur post are not TOO LONGGGG!!!! jezzz,trust me 1 out of 5 will sit down to read ALL ( the entire post) this.

  17. nimi

    August 27, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    I believe the even if its 1 out of 300 people that reads it to the end, the fact that it can help that one person is well worth it.

  18. clairebaby

    August 27, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    ‘The first thing that we all probably need to accept is the fact that in life we will hurt other people, and get hurt ourselves.’…….i can relate to that line………what if you were actually the heartbreaker….and got ur heart broken in the process? confusing innit? i’m in that position now- i had to break up with a guy i love and who loves me becos i felt no peace in the relationship….i felt i had to break it before it breaks me….now i’m mostly ridden with guilt and feel so wretched that i broke his heart albeit unwilligly…i feel i don’t deserve any happiness…find it hard to forgive myself…..sometimes it’s easier to be the victim than the inflicter of the pain( esp 4 sum1 lyk me dat hates hurting people)…then it’s easier to move on…..
    nice article….i could relate

  19. jennietobbie

    August 29, 2010 at 12:54 am

    nice work girlllll. I loveddd it

    Pinky…that line blew me away too. She was on point. I’ve heard many people say, time heals all hurt. But is that possible when you ‘waste’ time brooding over past mistakes and relationships? Actually, it is what you put into time that heals most wound. I am not experiencing any pain right now (thank God), but I learnt a lot from this article.
    ***diverting** Some of you are complaining about the length of this article…I can feel your “pain”. If you are hungry,very hungry, for knowledge then you’ll need to put in more TIME to learn and become a better person. I bet a lot of people spend over an hour on facebook, twitter, etc….ok…bite me now!!!!

  20. 1234

    August 29, 2010 at 4:41 am

    Really like this piece- length and all. I often find myself longing for childhood but then again, adulthood is far better because of the new appreciation of self-awareness and understanding of your environment. Yes you get hurt and hurt others but for every experience there is a lesson to be learnt, ALWAYS. A biblical quote that sums up life to me is “all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial”. Once each and everyone of us realize this we would think more critically before acting, become wiser, and be less burdened.

  21. WaleAdeniji

    September 6, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Great job once again Tari.

  22. honey

    September 17, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Nice one Tari…You are soooooooooooo intelligent. ur write-ups are quite inspiring. Thanks for the post. God Bless you and have a great weekend!xoxo

  23. DQ

    September 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Beautifully written

  24. P22:23

    December 11, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    God Bless you 🙂

  25. ajike gold

    January 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Nice one Tari. Lets say “Time with a positive mind set heals”
    @ ppl that feel this is lenghty,you dont have to read…

  26. LIA

    June 21, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    dis ego babe must be possessed..saw ur post on d whole bible thing..being an outdated book..may God 4giv u..nd nw ur tryin 2 make smtin nyc nd sensible luk like rubbish..nawa oo…

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