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End of the Road…

Glory Edozien

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Here on Bella Naija, many of the writers, including myself, have spent a lot of time writing about how both men and women feel when we break up and how to cope with the heartache that follows. While I think these topics are worthy of discussion, I think there are still many of us, who need to learn when to stop putting plaster on a broken relationship. Now I am not in anyway advocating that you abandon your relationship at the first hint of trouble, but I do think sometimes we can clearly see the signs when things aren’t working out but we choose to turn a desperate blind eye.

A good male friend of mine once told me that ‘every relationship must not end in marriage’. At first I didn’t understand what he meant. Surely, when you reach your mid-twenties the goal of most relationships is marriage. But now I clearly see what he was talking about. I think ‘some’ of us are so fixated on the expected end result we forget all together the necessary process needed to reach the goal.

I have no shame in admitting that I too have recently been a victim of this mistake. When I met Lanre, I could almost swear that he was a personal gift from cupid himself. He was good looking, had a good job, religious, charming and quite intelligent. We had an instant connection. He loved my articles, laughed at my very dry jokes and thought I was the sweetest thing ever created. I won’t lie to you all, I had already started thinking about wedding venues and asho ebi colours! It was all going extremely well.

But then as time went on I realised something quite disturbing. Lanre and I were both stubborn. The slightest argument turned into a full blown, no holes barred fight. He was not as sensitive as I’d first imagined, neither was he as caring. At first I put it down to the ‘normal’ relationship blues and carried on. Very soon I found myself accepting to do without the very things I knew I WANTED in a relationship. The calls and visits became so infrequent it was almost like he lived out of town. He was always in a bad mood and it became almost impossible to see him without going on my knees first. I was lonely in my own relationship! Anytime I complained, I got labeled a nag. But the longer I ignored it, the more I felt like something was eating me up inside. But I still stayed, hoping that things would somehow change.

So one day, after I hadn’t heard from him for over 48hrs. I decided I’d had enough. It was like the pieces of my brain suddenly cemented together and I realised that I was a big fool! Why was I willing to stay in some sorry excuse of relationship when I was far happier before I met him? Why was I prepared to keep compromising on the very things that I knew I needed and deserved just so I could be ‘Lanre’s girlfriend’. Haba! Enough was enough. So I called Mr Lanre and called it quits. At first I thought I was making a huge mistake, but then I quickly realised that continuing to be in a relationship that brought nothing but quarrels, mistrust, tears, arguments and disappearing acts was the first mistake I had made. What if we got married and he didn’t come home for two days? What if we got married and then had to bring up children in a quarrelsome home. No. We both deserved far better than that!

Off course the usual heartbreak and sadness followed, but hey, I have realised that heartbreak does not kill, it only makes stronger. When I think back on the decision I made, I am happy because I know life has taught me too many harsh lessons for me to keep on repeating the same ole mistakes. I have come to a point where I know exactly who I am and what I want and deserve and I am not prepared for anyone to tell me any different. Do I miss Lanre? Of course I do. But I am wise enough to know that flogging a dead horse won’t bring it back to life.

Today, I am back to my single happy self and Lanre and I are good friends. That relationship wasn’t meant to end up in marriage, but who knows maybe the next one will.

Photo Credit: library.thinkquest.org

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

52 Comments

  1. DU

    September 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

    I have come to a point where I know exactly who I am and what I want and deserve and I am not prepared for anyone to tell me any different.WELL WRITTEN

  2. Chris-Vincent

    September 7, 2010 at 10:04 am

    A nice post up there… As human beings, it is always difficult to easily let the things go which give us happiness.Especially when the one we had and cherished is lost to this big oceanic world within which we battle ourselves in our efforts to survive. I wrote a post about letting things go on http://www.screwlife.com titled (When One Door Closes, Another Opens…)

    http://www.screwlife.com/

    It is worth having a look at by people interested since it throws light on this same subject….

  3. nonye

    September 7, 2010 at 10:20 am

    straight to the point!

  4. BKNY

    September 7, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Off course the usual heartbreak and sadness followed, but hey, I have realised that heartbreak does not kill, it only makes stronger. When I think back on the decision I made, I am happy because I know life has taught me too many harsh lessons for me to keep on repeating the same ole mistakes……..thx a bunch for this……i tot i was alone in this and Do I miss YEMI? Of course I do. But I am wise enough to know that flogging a dead horse won’t bring it back to life….God bless you for this articlee

  5. gbegborun

    September 7, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Nice one girl! So so so true….I have seen so many people power through such relationships only to end up in “okay” marriages….where they kinda get on just enough to make sure the kids have food to eat and go to school. No passion, no true love, just a house with a mummy and daddy. Very Well done to you for being so Brave.

  6. WaleAdeniji

    September 7, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Yeah! I agree with you on that. If it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to force it. One should be able to write out what he/she wants in a relationship or marriage. Or the qualities your life partner must possess to enable you live the rest of your life with him or her. Once 50% of your need is missing from the relationship, you need to put a stop to it. Even if such relationship grew to marriage level, you will daily experience heartache. There is no guarantee that things will in the nearest future get any better. No doubt, you will miss that boyfriend or girlfriend, but you will get over it. Don’t subject yourself to a life of perpectual agony.

  7. fokasibe

    September 7, 2010 at 10:45 am

    With you on this one 100%. SO SO TRUE! If only we would all be honest with ourselves, marriages would be what they are meant to be…bot no, we all mostly want to jump the broom at all costs so there!

    Good on you to have walked away from what would no doubt have led to an unhappy marriage!! I pray you find your Mr. very soon!!

  8. Ronnie

    September 7, 2010 at 10:45 am

    I’m glad I read this piece this morning cos I was starting to go through another phase of “did I make a huge mistake”….”have I missed out on the love of my life?”
    Well he obviously wasn’t the love of my life and it hurts cos I really wanted him to be( I found myself accepting to do without the very things I knew I WANTED in a relationship)
    Like you said, “heartbreak does not kill, it only makes stronger… so I know someday very soon, I’ll look back and say thank God I didn’t settle!

  9. adenike

    September 7, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Nice article Gloria!
    Funny enough we females are guilty of this. When a relationship isn’t JUST working out;we try as much as possible trying to make it work. We eat every dirt that comes our way all in the name of “my relationship must work out” (even when it’s obvious you guys are not just cut out for each other). Sadly on the other hand,when a man is tired,he surely is TIRED and he won’t even try to salvage anything.
    Just like Gloria rightly said,flogging a dead horse won’t bring it back to life! Your right man is on his way please!
    Thumbs up Gloria!

  10. Phury

    September 7, 2010 at 10:47 am

    please don’t even let me get started on heart break. Being there, done that is an understatement. I’ve just become single recently but I’m still positive that there’s a somebody for everybody.

  11. bcgeorge

    September 7, 2010 at 11:36 am

    issues of man and woman….so much heart pains we suffer cos we did not committ everytin to go in prayer…recently i had an experience like dis, i ws so defastated dat i jst cdnt stomach it but took it to go in prayer cos i luv dis person so much.
    My opinion though but God is vry much in d biz of match-making…take it to him in prayer..thr’s a man fr evry woman u jst gotta ask God.
    big up Glory.

  12. bcgeorge

    September 7, 2010 at 11:38 am

    PS..disregard the typo error..

  13. BayBay

    September 7, 2010 at 11:41 am

    i love this….. just got out of dis situation …. nothing beats Peace of Mind men ……

  14. Moi

    September 7, 2010 at 11:41 am

    This is one of the most balanced perspectives on relationships> I totally share your views and I’m really encouraged by you. I had to let go of ‘my lanre’ recently too, and I must say, I am a happier person now! Marriage reli isn’t the end, it is the means to the end and the end is definitely more important. I think with the end in mind, we ladies would be able to make sound judgments like this. So, the question shouln’t be ‘when is he going to propose’, more like it should be ‘does he fit/do I fit into my end/his end?’ Or better still, start with ‘what is my preferred end?’ and do that with prayer!

  15. Blossom

    September 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Because of this article I am now in love with you! In the exact same situation… Was blind enough to let mine go on for almost 4 years… Good one, Glory!

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 28, 2013 at 12:52 pm

      i let mine go on for 3 years…one night i cried myself asleep, then cried myself awake, crawled around the floor of my room in deep emotional and physical pain, i cried for 6 hours till i had no tears left, then all of a sudden the tears stopped and that was the beginning of the best years of my life…:D, that night was over 2 years ago….The man i have now will literally walk on water to make me happy!

  16. sisi

    September 7, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    really gloria u re just too much. u just reached out to a lot 0f women (me included) going thru the phrase of eating shit just cos u dont want to loose someone. one thing i know is dat if he were meant to be urs he will come back and dis time, he ll make an effort in changing his bad ways.

  17. Adowa

    September 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Nice article.Well written. Intelligent.Nothing more to say.

  18. kemi

    September 7, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    i have been in one of those “disappearing acts” relationships o. and i stayed for over 2 years. fool me! good for u dt u bailed early enuf.
    cos like u too, i had all those thots; wot if he doesnt come home for 2days or he does come home but doesnt talk to me or our kids for days on end. but i kept rationalising, its just cos he’s not loved anyone in a while. he’s putting up defenses and they’ll crumble as time went on and he realised i wont hurt him or leave him. again, more fool me!!!
    so, good for u!

  19. Tommy

    September 7, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Hmmn! Nice one. Plastering is the greatest mistake any1 could make in a relationship. Though painful, but it’s high time we started facing the reality of life. This life is in phases, & at every stage we are bound 2 meet people of diverse ages nd faces (Male/Female); It has been predestined that we will come across such people, probably 2 meet our needs @ a particular point in time,or to make us feel loved whenever we are down and not 2 end in marriage. Pls! let go of any relationship dat causes u pain, free your mind off any believe that the person is d greatest in the whole world, and u will be amazed that there are so many best out there. This might not be easy though but it’s better to go through d pains of heart-break 2day, than 2 endure an eternal grief & regret in yr marriage. ‘Surrender all to God, fret not about anything, instead, thank Him for everything’ He alone knows what we all deserve & not what we desire. Lol…

  20. babylove

    September 7, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    what a nice and intelligent article.life says wat doesnt kill u will sure make u stronger.no matter how much u’ve waited jst ve it in mind dat urs cumin soon.

  21. babylove

    September 7, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    what a nice and intelligent article.life says wat doesnt kill u will sure make u stronger.no matter how long u’ve waited jst ve it in mind dat urs cumin soon.

  22. Ms. ATL

    September 7, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Thank you for this article. I’ve also wondered whether I made a big mistake and pushed him away, but like you, I have to ask if I want to be married to someone who will not talk to me for weeks after an argument… The answer is NO WAY!

  23. Sotrue

    September 7, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    OMG you have just told my story. I had to double check to make sure it wasn’t me that wrote it. The only difference is ur ex’s name. It’s so good to be me again and this once again has proved I did the right thing.

  24. Tomi

    September 7, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Great article and you spoke the truth, any relationship that is so stressful before marriage is definitely worth taking a second look at. However, it appears most of the people commenting are single and have an idyllic view of what marriage is. It’s passionate, a partnership and a loving family unit but it is extremely difficult and takes more than passion to make it work. If it only took being passionately in love to remain married, then we wouldn’t have so many divorces. So it’s good to have your ‘standards’ of how you will be treated (remember you too should be able to provide those standards!) but in EVERY marriage, there will always come a time when each party feels taken for granted and has to give more than they planned. The difference between those that remain married and those that divorce remains in those who are committed (with a big ‘C’!!).
    I wonder, though, where all these guys are coming from; admittedly, I’m married and have been for many years but no one I know well actually behaves like this, or does Naija society allow these men to get away with this shabby behaviour?…

  25. efed

    September 7, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Really nice post Glory, as if you know whats exactly on my mind. I dated this guy for 2yrs and 3months ago i broke it off!!! Were you and Lanre are friends, the guy doesn’t even want to speak my name. Life does goes on and true we will definitely get what we are looking for in time.

  26. Oluwasegun

    September 7, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    Nice article.. One of my fav writers on BN.. It takes two 2 make a relationship work. If it aint working, just get out!

    • fm

      September 11, 2010 at 4:27 am

      GBAM!!

  27. Dee

    September 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Thanks so much for the article Gloria! Very balanced and right on point.
    Food for thought for me……….

  28. Tew mad

    September 7, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Never allow a relationship make you insecure. Your feelings are ALWAYS 110% SPOT ON. what you desire is what you desire… calls, visits and the occasional wining and dining.
    Its only natural that as women we do all we can to make it work. Love will make you do stupid things and thats fine BUT PLEASE DONT GET STUCK ON STUPID!! LET IT GO!!!!! when you are into someone its not about convenience… people these dayz want relationships too easy and served on a platter. unfortunately ALL good things in life take “HARD WORK” I.e dieting, exercise, making money, starting a business et cetera LEARN TO LET IT GO LIKE A HOT POTATOE.LOVE SHOULDNT BE A CONSTANT BRICK WALL!

  29. ized

    September 7, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    well its so painfull u knw hear breakes cos it can break som1 for life considering all the effort one has put in the relationship all the sacrifices bcos love comes with sacrifice. BUT THEN WHAT WONT KILL YOU WILL ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER.

  30. ized

    September 7, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Ssorry to bother all can any1 link me with a counsellor guess i spelt correctly

  31. eazzie E

    September 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Clearly communicated and straight to the point. I have sooo been there and like you said “ one day,the pieces of my brain got cemented together and I could see clearly”. My so called lanre was the nag (you can imagine) and expected a perfect girlfriend when he was nothing near perfect. I stuck with an overtly ambitious and unrealistically expectant guy for 5 miserable years. After the break up, I stayed single for another 2years before I met my own gift from cupid. Well truth is….when its not working, it is obviously not working and to say the fact, I knew in my quiet times that we were so headed for the rocks but because I was more concerned with what people will say about the break-up, I stuck to the one sided phone calls, cold nights with a guy beside u etc. it was hell. Girls should learn to face the bitter truth. I still gat friends struggling and patching with 8 years and still counting kinda relationships…..but would always keep up the bold face to make you seem like its alright when its so damn glaring.
    Nice one again gloria

  32. dami

    September 7, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    hmmmmmmm it almost like Gloria is talking to me … am in a long distant relationship and boy my bf is always working doesn’t even have time for me and when i complain he says i nag too much and he keep going on about how i don’t understand him and his work commitment anyway so i too started behaving like him and he felt it lol serious i spoke some sense into him because he says he want to have future with me so i told him that i don’t think it will be possible because he doesn’t know how to split his work life from his relationship and i said to him that if we married is that how i will be so lonely all the time that i rather we don’t get married than to go through that and now he saying he will have to reschedule his work load to make time for me hmmm we shall wait and see how that goes lol
    And people pls pls pls do not say the word ‘HEARTBREAK’ there is no such thing because if the heart breaks then we will be dead by now ………. like the bible says there’s time for joy and there’s time to pain so we all went through may the Joy of the lord continue to be upon us stay bless

    • dorisa

      September 17, 2010 at 10:36 am

      u ve just said my mind same experience mine went as far as saying that he wouldnt live his job for any woman and then apologiezed and was willin to make amend but then same old story tanx girl I now know wot to do….. Cheers

  33. sophie bello

    September 7, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Nice..sometimes, we dnt know when to let go..kinda hard..nice one. Thank u..

  34. sophie bello

    September 7, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Nice..sometimes, we dnt know when to let go..kinda hard now I know its all abt wat I want and my happiness..nice one. Thank u..

  35. jezz

    September 7, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    but seriously, why do guys behave the way they do?

  36. monnysol

    September 7, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    nyc one me likey

  37. niyoo

    September 7, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    I LOVE U GLORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    :-*

    Have u thot of being an agony aunt/ replying advisory columns. U seem to always have a good perspective all these heart issues that plague mortals

  38. jessy

    September 7, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    nice article @ d right time…………..i believe in prayer, and d rite person will come

  39. Naijafairy

    September 8, 2010 at 5:43 am

    Maybe it is just me, but i never think of a relationship ever ending in marriage, but i also don’t think that there is such a thing as a soul-mate, so i am a very dark minded person, haha, no, i am not, i just believe that everything that has a beginning has an end, be it through death, an amicable breakup, cheating etc.
    I think that when women get into relationships hoping for a forever after, then they put too much pressure on the relationship, if it is meant to be, it will be. I always say that my parents are not together for 21 years because they are each others soul mates, but because they have accepted each others strengths and can tolerate each others flaws, that is what love is. If it does not feel right, if you cannot accept their flaws, it is not because you are over-bearing, it is your gut telling you to leave. Breakup is hard? Yes, i mean at some point you had a connection so strong with this person, it will be hard to let go, but it can be done. Cheers!

    Disclaimer: I’ve only had one breakup, i did the breaking up though. Hehe. Not sure if i am qualified as a break-up expert sha!

  40. There i said it....Rant over

    September 8, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Nice article.

    You should check out this blog too – http://woahnigeria.wordpress.com/

    Hilarious stuff on there

  41. mike

    September 8, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    GBAM

  42. extremely p!nk

    September 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Ryt wen i needed to hear this…..
    Mine is not exactli about a breakup.
    i knew this guy in the university:he asked me out for a whole session and somewhere deep down i knew i couldn’t date him,that was five years ago. Like 2 months ago,we started communicating and he was really on my case,he’ll come visit,text, call excessively bla bla. I got the shocker of my life yesterday-this guy is getting married NEXT MONTH!!! and he didnt say a word, i heard from a friend. GUYS!! In my mind,i had thought about the idea of at least a possible relationship between us. I was crushed but thank God there was no relationship going on-i for just kill somebody.
    Thanks Gloria!! I’m not looking anymore jor, the man for me will find me…..

  43. africanchikito no.1

    September 8, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    trust me Gloria,we’ve all had to go thru breakups at some point in our lives….thank God for the wisdom to know when it’s time to move on..albeit delayed…

  44. cathy

    September 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    so touching,..ve liked tht spirit in u,..wsh u the best in yo nxt relationshp,.,hope God will grant u wth what your heart desires.,.blec u!

  45. D.O.T.M.H.

    September 9, 2010 at 12:33 am

    I’ll pose my question some other day. Nice write-up.

  46. Uchechi

    September 9, 2010 at 1:06 am

    I couldn’t agree more..not all relationships end in marriage, its like a learning process, enjoy them while they last and make the best out of it…women especially should think with their heads and not their hearts. I like the bit of ” I won’t lie to you all, I had already started thinking about wedding venues and asho ebi colours!”…na so e shake u lol.

  47. nelly

    September 15, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    spot on ..

  48. Tinkerbell

    September 27, 2010 at 1:35 am

    same story for me..but different cos i always go back,but last month left him again, and i pray i have the strength to move on cos deep down i am not happy,just in love cant explain it..

  49. Mariamah

    October 13, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    No be lie !!!!!

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