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Toolz’ Thoughts: Slaying Your Green-Eyed Monster

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I stumbled across this article ‘She Ain’t All That’: How My Own Insecurities Made Me Unable to Compliment Other Women on Madam Noire and I thought the article could very well have been written for and about Nigerian women. The truth in it was powerful, and it made me remember an incident that took place a week or so ago. I was having dinner with a friend, and we bumped into one of her colleagues. The colleague sat at our table and we got talking. I had noticed her as soon as she had walked into the restaurant because she had a fantastic figure. The kind of figure a lot of women dream of – voluptuous, but firm in the right areas (No Homo by the way). While we chatted, I told her that she had an incredible figure, and she seemed a bit surprised. I worried that she thought I was making a pass at her, so I hurriedly explained that I’m trying to up my work-out regime, and had hoped she wouldn’t mind sharing a few tips. Later she admitted that she has been a bit shocked because she rarely got compliments from other women.
This incident and reading the article had me thinking: Why is it that some (not all) Nigerian women find it hard to compliment each other?

Female rivalry has existed since the beginning of time…in different species and races, but I sometimes think that the rivalry can be quite vicious when it comes to Nigerian women.
Although I made a conscious effort to stop doing it a while back, I will admit that every now and then I will mentally tear down another woman who I perceive to be a threat to make me feel better about myself.
It’s a nasty habit I know, but for a brief second, convincing myself that this other woman ‘is really not all that’ gives me some sort of mental victory –albeit false.

A few years back I could probably count how many compliments I paid to other women in a year – yup I was that insecure. Putting other women down was a great way to distract me from my insecurities, but soon and without fail these insecurities would come creeping back. Insecurities about not being career wise, not being pretty enough etc. It soon became something I couldn’t help; I was doing it all the time…even to my friends. A friend would get a nice hairstyle and the best compliment you could get out of me was ‘It’s alright’. Soon references about me being a ‘bad belle’ person seemed to be quite frequent, and I realised quite soon that I was unhappy with this need I had to tear other women down in order to boost my own confidence. I had to change my attitude because in all honesty, every woman knows that there will always be another woman who is prettier, sexier, more intelligent, more successful…and basically has what you perceive to be a better life than you. Will tearing them down make them any less pretty, less sexy, less intelligent, less successful? Absolutely not! Will tearing them down change things for you? It could give you that false confidence boost that momentarily masks your insecurities, however in the long run you’ll just end up ignoring a nasty deteriorating disease. I learnt that any insecurities I had, needed to be worked on and eradicated by me, anything else was only a temporary distraction.

Something written towards the end of the article really grabbed my attention – Giving props where they are due never takes away shine from you, it only ever adds to your glow

Expecting that female rivalry will cease to exist is extremely unrealistic, but hoping that the ‘competition’ continues less acrimoniously is definitely possible. In Nigeria where women are already at a distinct disadvantage (just because society says so) should mean we really should do more to be our sister’s keeper. I’m not suggesting that we all like each other and be fake, but we can be a bit more respectful to each other. Being a woman in a man’s world is already tough, but being torn apart by someone that’s probably facing the same challenges you are can make a harsh situation even more so.

I must stress, that I’m not saying every single Nigerian woman suffers from insecurities that causes us to tear each other down, but let’s face it a lot of us do. I recognised the ugly trait in myself, and pray that I can beat it and be a better person in the process.

So ladies next time you see another woman and your hackles begin to rise slightly because you perceive her as a threat…take a moment out…give her props and know that you are wonderfully and uniquely you – something that only you can be!

_______________________________________________________________________
ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM and the Juice for NdaniTV. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net

ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM (Lagos), 'Afrobeat News' on Capital Xtra (UK) and Ndani TV’s The Juice on DSTV Africa Magic Entertainment. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net and @ToolzO on Twitter and Instagram.

85 Comments

  1. Mp

    April 29, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Totally agree with Toolz. Hmm. Never knew she was this good at writing. Toolz dearie, you’ve just said it all.

    • tutu

      April 29, 2013 at 9:06 am

      Is this not an old article?

    • jcsgrl

      April 29, 2013 at 12:47 pm

      Yep there they are! Bonafide haters! They can’t give compliment to save their lives

    • Mint

      April 29, 2013 at 11:10 am

      Toolzo u should stop lying because u are a hater and you hate on people with better shape than you,you complimented that lady just because you wanted to find out what she Does with her body nothing else miss thing you want to write up about women hater when you are the biggest industry hater

    • Bleed blue

      April 29, 2013 at 12:39 pm

      Jeez!
      Mint please read the article again. She’s already openly identified this weakness you’re berating her for; and she is hoping she can move on from it and become a better person.

    • Omototun

      April 30, 2013 at 3:12 am

      you sound both simple and special…..

    • zsa zsa

      April 30, 2013 at 5:31 am

      Na wa o. Reading and comprehension really is a big problem….i’m worried o.
      Toolz just admitted her faults and is trying to do better…also admitted to complementing the lady with the nice figure and asking for her “secret”, but you still accuse her of lying and accused her of doing what she already confessed to! Hmmmm.
      Anyways… i really wish women were not so complicated. I agree with toolz, it takes a certain level of insecurity to constantly bring another woman down or downplay her achievements or looks. When i arrived the US, all the nigerian women at church gave me one year to put on weight. They would say”ahhh! as you lepa so, we give you one year and you will turn to orobo”. I smiled. One year or so later it changed to “aahhh, wait till you clock 2 years”, then later it was “wait till you marry and born”. Jeeez!!!!!! i thought to myself let it go already!!!! stop watching and waiting for me to blow up!
      I love nothing more than to lift women up, i never feel the need to down play a fellow woman…not because i’m perfect but i think it’s because i’m just happy with my life. Focus on your future and how to get there…complement your fellow woman, ask how they stay in shape if that is a challenge for you. Ask how they got that job…what skills are needed. If the women are not forthcoming or are not responding appropriately to your complements then CUT THEM OFF. I keep only positive people close to me, people that uplift and don’t tear down…ain’t nobody got time for that.

      Nice write up jare.

  2. Chinyere

    April 29, 2013 at 8:17 am

    I totally agree!
    Personally i have struggled with insecurities since far back as my teens, always percieving other girls as more intelligent, beautiful, outgoing etc. I thank God for maturity, cos now (i’m in my late 20’s) i’m learning to be more happy and content with myself, to appreciate what i have and be a true friend to my friends and see the best in people. And I have realised that when i’m happy with myself and exude true love to others, i draw people to myself and my life is richer and fuller.

  3. mia

    April 29, 2013 at 8:20 am

    very well said. you actually wonder if women are always truly happy for each other. it’s this women’s unnecessary rivalry that makes the men continue to dominate us. we need to lose the beef for one another. no matter your physical features, someone somewhere will love the very breath you breathe, so take some solace in that.

  4. Thatgidigirl

    April 29, 2013 at 8:27 am

    BEAUTIFUL Toolz! I noticed that all the times i have paid compliments to other women, i got something out of it…..a tip on where or how they achieved whatever. You can’t shine a torch on someone’s path without illuminating yours. I recently lost about 9kg, through determined and extreme workout/dieting, everyone says i look fab except this one colleague who keeps saying i look just the same. She’d shrug and cock her brows like i’m just wasting my time! i went down a dress size, how is that so unnoticeable! Until she pinged me to ask “erm, whats that ur diet again?” told her its a water diet, drink only water for a month. mcheeeeew!

    • tutu

      April 29, 2013 at 9:06 am

      LOLLLLL!

    • Miss Tee

      April 29, 2013 at 11:27 am

      LOL at water diet! Bad belle with no shame!
      Anyway, I completely agree with you about gaining tips and advice through compliments. It actually amazes me how willing women are to share their ideas and what works for them when their guard is down.

      Apart from that though, it’s also a way of supporting each other. As Toolz said there will always be women who are prettier, sexier, more successful and more intelligent. But the reality is, even these women who seem to be on top of their game have their fears, their vulnerable moments and second guess themselves more times than one thinks. A compliment at times stands as a form of support. That crucial hour when you let them know that ‘Hey, I see what you’re doing and you’re doing well sister; keep going’ makes more difference than we can image. This is what love and support for our fellow woman is all about.

      Some BN commenters take note. It’s so discouraging how certain individuals make comments that are obviously set out to hurt or belittle others on here. Let’s do better; for real.

    • ci

      April 29, 2013 at 11:46 am

      LMAO! some people sha. hian

    • I hate people that say "thank me later"

      April 29, 2013 at 4:03 pm

      hahahaha…..Na hospital she go land last last. I hope you don’t get charged for attempted murder oh!!…’cause you know she’s going to try it, yeye fowl like her!

    • Pd

      April 30, 2013 at 1:32 pm

      Lol……so she use water to wash the bad taste out of her mouth.

    • 2X

      May 4, 2013 at 11:47 pm

      bobs…..now your water diet response just blew me over…bwahahaha

  5. choclate

    April 29, 2013 at 8:28 am

    great article! thanksss

  6. Joyce

    April 29, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Nice 1 toolz. I have a frnd who never compliments others. I think I know her problem now and I will get her to read dis.Thanks

  7. Anonymous

    April 29, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Hey Toolz… Nice article we as women envy our selves too much o jare…You’re really beautiful and best wishes with love and your career and even your work-out regime am guessing its for health sake’s coz you have a smashing figure. Haters bow down! lol

  8. beforesheimplodes

    April 29, 2013 at 8:50 am

    I pray that a lot of Nigerian women come to that mature point in their lives to make this honest analysis about themselves and then seek to change it as you have done. I could say same, I just decide to say the opposit of what I am thinking to them, only if its true of course. Its much better to say good things than breed bad thoughts. Lovely and NECESSARY article

  9. x factor

    April 29, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Thanks Toolz!

  10. Amaka

    April 29, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Nice piece! We learn everyday…well done!

  11. salsera

    April 29, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Food for thought, since i cant recall when last i paid a compliment hmmm….

  12. ChaCha

    April 29, 2013 at 9:03 am

    So true.

  13. MizImani

    April 29, 2013 at 9:07 am

    Very true!! I only started having issues about my weight two years ago. before then, I was perfectly ok with how I looked. yeah, after school, I put on a little weight and became an 8 up and a 10 down (from my regular 6 up and 8 down). Recently i noticed that it was only the females (and a few males) that were always on my neck about how fat I was and how i needed to lose wight etc. I would go out and guys would be staring and telling my boyfriend how hot I was but among my females….I felt like a whale.

    The whole thing just makes me stay away from female gathering so that my self esteem is not torn to shreds….

    On the other side, I find its easier to compliment guys than my fellow ladies and this article just helped me to realise that so now, I’m promising to make better effort at making my ladies in Nigeria feel like the queens and princesses that we are!!

  14. MizImani

    April 29, 2013 at 9:07 am

    ** would start telling

    oops!!

  15. Chiamaka O

    April 29, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Nice write-up. I also have this problem, being working on it though but frankly, it is not easy. I think it is a female thing and one has to be conscious of it- giving compliments even when you don’t feel like.

  16. Jenny

    April 29, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Women are our own worst enemies . In politics most women in various strategic positions got there with far more help from men and less than women. God help you, if you are more attractive than your female boss. It will take forever to be on the good side of your mother and sisters in laws. What of the sister sibling rivalry ? The list is endless. The green eyed monster is to women as what infidelity is to men. You can’t be fairer than someone and at the same time be darker thanthe person or taller than someone and at the same time be shorter than the person .It takes only the Grace of God for a woman to understand that all women are wonderfully and uniquely made.

  17. cathy

    April 29, 2013 at 9:29 am

    cool

  18. Lilly

    April 29, 2013 at 9:34 am

    I think that because like poles repels. 🙂
    But I will definitely take ur advice. Keep it up Toolz

  19. Whalezy

    April 29, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Nigerians are naturally very ctitical of others and mean. We rarely see anything good in what another person does. Women are even worse. We should try to appreciate, encourage and lift one another up instead of constantly tearing down.

  20. Couture By Makioba

    April 29, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Well said Toolz… We have so many people around us who tends to be happy with us when something good happens to us but in real sense they are not….. Not only friends but even family members…..

  21. Bella

    April 29, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Very true & real piece Toolz, it sent some home truth home and i’m glad i read through. Welldone dearie!

  22. Sharon

    April 29, 2013 at 9:59 am

    Gud job Toolz

  23. Vicki

    April 29, 2013 at 10:07 am

    All of the above is true and there is one simple solution! Prayer!! If the Holy Spirit dwells in you, everything that comes out of you will be good, positive & full of blessing. Pray that God takes away those inner demons that make you insecure & won’t allow you to show love to your fellow sister!

    Sometimes I look at other women who I feel have “more” than me, be it in beauty, money or career and after a fleeting moment of inadequacy (which I guess is human nature), I look back at my journey and all what God has blessed me with and the fact that I know there are others who don’t have what I have, I then say THANK YOU LORD, and keep it moving!!!

    • tutu

      April 29, 2013 at 1:07 pm

      I love you!

  24. will

    April 29, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I on the other hand compliment ladies/women(shape,hair,clothings) a lot when i go on outing with my fiance or when watching tv he now thinks am a Homo……i believe he isnt used to women complimentn each othr,probably his mum,sisters and evry gal he has dated in the past nvr did that….talk abt issues ehn!

  25. Bex

    April 29, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Lovely article. Very apt. It’s always good to start with the person in the mirror and I respect you for admitting your guilt and trying your best to overcome this problem and becoming a better person. I’ve wrestled with good ol’ green in the past myself and I also had to call myself to order, still working on it but I can boldly say I’ve made huge progress. Good one Toolz

    bexluvs2dress.blogspot .com

  26. deep

    April 29, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Sooo so true! Girls CAN BE wicked oh, they don’t call em b****** for nothing!
    I grew around confident women so I was taught that none was better than me and vuce versa. But honestly, after a while I started to learn cattiness from other girls. I mean, I would say upon first encounter “Wow, I luv ur hair” or “Ur shape is madt” but I would just get a mindless nod from them back or even one babe eyed me before. Then she had d nerve to say I paid fake compliments because I didn’t know her b4 then n how would a person be so nice. Shio! That was when I started to fear babes oh.
    Also I had these girlfriends that would call me fat all d time bcuz they were very skinny BUT I had the same waistline and about 2 inch wider hips than them but I had an ass at least. Until facebook started and when I put my pix up, ppl started commenting on my body n I regained my confidence.
    After all these, I just decided to build a nice wall against negativity. If I see a slim or chubby girl in d mirror, I don’t care, so far I like it. I love myself again and with a vengeance!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 29, 2013 at 4:38 pm

      Hahaha @ the chick who said you paid her a fake compliment because you didn’t know her well enough to “be nice”. I swear, Naija chicks are generally just not used to unrequited friendliness and that’s a character trait I’ve noticed in our unique specie of females.

      I think the unwritten rule in the Nigerian society is “the biggest bitch wins”, which explains a lot. I mean, how can you be somebody important if you’re nice to nobodies? I jest, I jest. Seriously though, my point is that in a typical Naija gathering, it’s oftentimes pointless trying to strike up friendly conversation with an unknown female because some of my sistas no go even gree respond to your smile, talkless of your “hello, how’re you doing?”. Whether I be man wey dey toast, I no understand but ah, some of my sistas need to lighten up, sha.

      But I no even know whether that one better pass my oyibo sistas wey go smile with dem 32, compliment you pieces & then turn around to stab you square in the back when the wind turns against you. Ah, woman palaver! And I’m a woman oh, imagine how the men feel… Gotta thank my naija bitches though for helping me grow the thick skin I need for dealing with the oyibo bitches. And the oyibo babes have also helped me groom some good social skills as well, so props to them kwanu 🙂

  27. Comfort

    April 29, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I really admire this Toolz lady!
    Aunty, please how can we be like you?
    And I think that its not only older ladies that tend to tear each other down, I even notice it among my teenage and young adult friends (most of whom are about 19-21). We normally tend to compete for who looks best/ has the best body, even things like who has the best grades, hottest boyfriend and all that! Its pathetic…

  28. tee

    April 29, 2013 at 10:40 am

    please, its not just a Nigerian girl thing, its women in general.

  29. ayomipo

    April 29, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Hhhhhahhahah. I have very lovey nails, good skin& im 14 up and down&i had this particular colleague that would say she wished rat would eat up my nails&boobs 2 my face. + when you tell ladies that their dress, makeup etc is nice&they lie bout where they got it from. It doesn’t add value 2 anyone’s life.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 29, 2013 at 4:40 pm

      I used to have a friend who always warned me about giving out too much information about where I got clothes, makeup, shoes, etc from. If she was right next to me whenever I blurted out the details of where I got anything, she’d wait until the person left and then scold me with these words: “Na wa for you, is it everything you tell people?”

      Have to say that I learnt a thing or two from her. Case in point – another friend once bought a lovely bag from a charity shop. It was a really nice bag and this chick who generally would never shop in a charity shop asked about the bag and was told “Oh, I got it at xxxx charity shop”. Guess what happened after that? The same babe who asked about the bag started making these comments anytime she saw my friend:- “Ah, this one you’re wearing is nice oh, was it from the charity shop?”. My friend vex, no be small thing and when she complained to me, I had to ask her “Na wa for you, is it everything you tell people?” Hahahahaha!

  30. Stella Kashmoney

    April 29, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Thanks for this lovely piece Toolz. It is so a Nigerian thing.

  31. Berry Dakara

    April 29, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Nicely written and good point.

    I try to compliment people (male or female) whenever I can. The only time I can say I’m a bit envious is with accomplishments and achievements that I wish I had, but I wouldn’t try to put them down.

    berrydakara.blogspot.com

  32. Fellow woman

    April 29, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Hmmmn tell me about it. Girls not only envy but they are guilty of also boxing their other females up. They only expect a certain level from you because they have judged you based on their opinion of your intellectual capacity and your socio economic background. If you are not in their class, they try to put you in your place and you don’t deserve respect. I recently became friends of these group of girls because we have a few friends in common. We all just became friends like almost suddenly because of the friends we have in common. Now, some of these girls are rich men’s children, albeit politicians and government contractors children, and I don’t even respect them or look at them in awe one bit, cos their parents money are suspect and I let them know it with style because I stand my ground, and give it back to them when they show disrespect. They talk about all these places they’ve been to, and say ehn you can’t understand because you’ve not been there, or you’ve not experienced such. They are also shameless name droppers, ah they know so so and so’s son and daughter, they went to school with so so and so (all children of people who have runied this country) as if it makes them more important. Because of their background and education they feel they are so superior to the rest of the clique who didnt attend Havard for example. So when we are discussing something, immediately the rich ones take each other’s side, even if one of them is yarning BS. Recently I got this great job I had been eyeing for a long time, you should have seen the response they gave me. Ehn ok, congrats, its alright. Good for you, oh my friend used to work in that role. He left there to be a manager. They tried to tear down my success and reduce it to nothing. I thought WHAT!!!!. That was the first time I really saw them for who they are, and I have decided that I don’t need such people in my life. I have cut them off sharply. Can you imagine? They had assumed in their heads that I wasn’t good enough, or such jobs are only reserved for those in their class, after all I didnt attend the schools they did. Now I have the same level of job or even better than most of them. The money I spend is of my own hardwork not daddy’s money and I am proud of taking the little my parents gave me adn turned it into a mountain. Nothing was handed to me on a platter of gold. People that don’t wish you well. To think that I’ve spent more time with these girls over the past few months to the detriment of some of my long time old friends, all in a bid to belong. I’ve learnt my lesson now. If that is what it takes to belong I don’t want any part of it.

  33. pynk

    April 29, 2013 at 11:43 am

    The one thing that will forever endear people to you is when you compliment them. Find something you genuinely like and admire about people and compliment them on it. you will notice that if the person will want to be closer to you, they will want to be arnd you. No one thrives on negativity.

  34. ihatetoolz

    April 29, 2013 at 11:51 am

    chai….rubbish

    • omoge

      April 29, 2013 at 3:39 pm

      you hate toolz cos u will just die a hater….am sure if we check ur life real good it has not amounted to anything……its not a must to like people but the state of your heart just shows from what ur mouth speaks……..sadly ple like you always remain in one spot in life never making progress…..gosh

  35. Ngozi

    April 29, 2013 at 11:53 am

    @Mint, why hate? Just why? Negativity on a Monday morning? Nne odikwa very risky LOOOL 😀

  36. nate

    April 29, 2013 at 11:54 am

    i know how it feels, 2 years ago i was 140kg but today am 67kg. a frnd beefed me when i started and said i could never accomplish anything cos it is not possible. but i did and conquered. dem haterz

  37. nene

    April 29, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    i always said it. insecure people are the ones who think they have haters. i really like toolz, and i am happy she is telling the truth. i have never been one to bring people down, and i am extremely blunt, and i am always ready to take whatever id ish out to people. if i think somthing is ugly, i say it, if i think it looks good, i say it. i always compliment both men and women if i like what i see, it can be about anything, handbag, physique, hair, height, complexion, etc. i’m sure even BN readers probably hate me for my blunt comments that they see as negative or hating. why did toolz feel that way about other women? and i also refuse to believe nigerian women are that bad, afterall it was oyinbo people that invented “bitch”. white people are more insecure and more vicious than black and African women, so i don’t know what toolz is saying. however, if u are a woman, and toolz is speaking to you, better change ur attitude because insecurities only damage people.

  38. deronke haz

    April 29, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    TOLU!!! God bless you for this! I have a small article on this…with the aim to share on twitter n all, but I’ve been pretty busy(oh well, I forgot too) but thank you for posting this!!!! I’m really happy,and I hope those concerned get to read this!! I’m just gna BC the link to females on my list. Thanx for making the job easy! Bless.

  39. ChiboyChuks

    April 29, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    I’m male… But, I have to say these… Read carefully! Guys, would be on a phone conversation with their fellow G’s and they keep yabbing themselves like idiot, mumu where u dey now? & the other guy would respond… Mad man, Father Abraham, I dey for Admiralty way now. From there I go hit your house>

    But its diff. in the female scene… The female tends to give themselves sweet names on phone… like; honey, dearie, angel… which is all *Yimu* once they are through and they drop the phone… They start dissing themselves! Hahahahaaaa! So, Toolz complimenting yourselves has always been done by the female folks… But, the truth is that its not from their inner mind… So, I think you’ve got some adjustment to do in your article!

    Kindly, visit chiboychuks.blogspot.com

  40. Lola

    April 29, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    great article Toolz! Thanks for being so open and real about where you are coming from and sharing with us ladies the better path…

  41. eniola

    April 29, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Toolz thanks for the write-up. Just yesterday at the salon. As i walked in a younger girl between 22 and 23, just said ”what’s the name of your hair?” i said sorry? Pretending not to have heard her, cos i thought that she should have at least said hello before popping the question. Then she repeats herself ” I said, what is the name of your hair? I just shook my head slightly and said it’s caribbean and she simply said okay. I was so irritated that i felt like ….. i don’t even know. To think that i’ll be over 3years older than the little thing. If she had tried to touch my hair, i doubt it if i wouldn’t have slapped her hand off. onibaje oshi. mscheeew. Don’t mind me, i get angry like that when people act below expectation. lool

    • Jo!

      April 29, 2013 at 3:23 pm

      Abeg abeg, 3 years older? and we won’t hear word. As if we don’t call people who are 10 years older than us by their first names in our offices. BTW, yea the girl was rude sha, but the 3 years older statement was unnecessary, that is the Nigerian “Auntie mentality”

    • Shay_yee

      May 1, 2013 at 12:40 am

      lmao!!!!

  42. jcsgrl

    April 29, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Great article! I love complimenting people and giving them props when due especially to females because we don’t get it enough. However, I don’t like people who flaunt their whatever in everyone’s face all the time to keep getting compliments. Like we know you have a hot body, or have nice clothes or can pose for camera. We can see it oh! E don do! For those people, I withhold my comments. But for those who genuinely appreciate it, I serve it up. Bcos of my open nature, almost all my gfs are the same way. Whenever a new chic gets introduced to my circle, they are always amazed at the kind of females we are. We are all accomplished, beautiful in our ways yet very down to earth and appreciate each other. Its no wonder friends of my friends end up adopting my own friends and they become besties. Openness and confidence attracts good people.
    Oh btw Toolz, your figure is smashing and Congrats on your new hosting gigs! You must be doing something great.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 29, 2013 at 4:44 pm

      Oh, very nice Jscgirl. I see what you did there by embodying the moral of the article in a well-placed compliment 😉 Seriously, though, from your comments on this blog you usually have a nice word for people and I feel they come from a genuine heart. Make me sef learn from that attitude.

    • jcsgrl

      April 30, 2013 at 12:27 pm

      Aww…wipes off tears. Thanks Mz Socially Awkward. That’s what sisters are here for

  43. Nutella

    April 29, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    God bless you Toolz!

  44. coco

    April 29, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Weldone toolz am one of does ladies who always feel insecure wen I see a beautiful,sexy,intelliigent ladies n make them feel less,no wonder ma sisters and friends never ask me if they look good whenever they are fully dressed or beautiful or if the they put on fits them.today I now undastand that its cos of ma insecurities.

  45. 'Mide

    April 29, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    You gals are all beautiful…ferry ferry beautiful .

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      April 29, 2013 at 4:44 pm

      tanchu, tanchu 🙂

  46. nayol

    April 29, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Awww…well written toolz. Alot of women find it hard to complement other women. I know of a particular girl, she will rather die than give u a complement. As for me, I let people know when they are doing well

  47. Wendy

    April 29, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    I’ve never been one to hold back on compliments on whatever aspect I admire in a chick (their body, beauty, career, academically or even if they’ve got a cute bf/husband) I always hung out with guys and would talk to girl like I was one of the guys, if them like make them infer homo,lol.
    However I’ve been slightly overweight most of my adult life ( the type with a ‘flat’ stomach and a smaller waist) and peeps are always quick to point out what an orobo I am. When I was younger I had a caustic tongue and would give such a nasty ‘no holds barred’ retort on whatever i felt was even worse in your life, but as I grew older and understood the concept of insecurities I just let it go.
    On the other hand, I’ve gotten so many offers to model ’cause I have a really good skin and i’m supposedly prettier that the average girl…One time this guy at the gym kept trying to scout me for a calender shoot, I was very hesitant ’cause my mum has a very sensitive job and we basically stay away from the spotlight in naija, plus I didn’t trust the guy sef (make them no come use me do chop clean mouth lol) even though he looked very professional and sounded very well educated. well, I was gisting my group of guy friends about the constant harassment from photographer and a girlfriend to one of them rounded me up from head to toe and was like ” hmmn hmmn?? oh maybe he wants you to be a face model sha!!” ……..I just burst into laughter and was like thanks for the compliment……

  48. Amanda Williams

    April 29, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Women in general are insecure because of expectations placed upon them by society. As for feeling embarrassed to give another women a compliment, again the same thing. Society prepares us from a young age as to what is … Quote “normal” & acceptable behavior. It’s a out time we caught up with reality! Loved your post!!

  49. sobix

    April 29, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Some female don’t give compliment becos it is usually misconceived by their fellow female. I will give example of a friend i meet and added on FB,going tru her pic, l appreciate her dark complexion and simplicity and l complimented her ,she and her bro responded that she is not a lesbian and dat l should fuck up&give my comment. Some other on the street after giving them compliment give u snub respond as if u are a lesser person. I have learnt to keep my compliment of same gender to my self and kip mute.My opinion!!

  50. Omototun

    April 29, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Very well written Toolz. and by the way I am not one given to truly admire the life of people I don’t know because i’m always skeptical that there something I don’t know about them that might be really nasty. But for you Madam toolz I make one of my few exceptions, I really like your interviewing skills, beauty/confidence you exude and strides you are making in your career. I am struggling so much at the moment with a lot of things, and sometimes when I come on here to chill I find features/photos of you and a couple of other successful people I am truly inspired in a weird way,lol.

  51. whocares

    April 29, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    hmmm, amen to that! whenever i compliment a woman.. either her face or anything to say either one of my male nigerian friends, they always somehow end up misconstruing it, and the women are no better sometimes. loool. a quarter of them think im gay because i point out they look lovely. cant win for losing. loool.

    • Mo'blezzing

      April 30, 2013 at 3:24 am

      lol, I know what you mean, but it aint my problem though, I give my compliment and move on swiftly, no lingering stares that could be misconstrued as lewd or creepy…. I have never felt a chick was coming on to me just because they complimented me….I have a healthy self esteem so most times they are just reiterating what I already know (it feels still feels great though)…as a matter of fact when I was younger I was more paranoid about compliments from men because I had that “na so e dey start, just because you say I be fine/intelligent girl no mean say I go off my pant oh” mentality…hehehe. I think the people just have to calm down in Naija jere…..I don’t know if its the noise from generators or the hot sun or the badass combo of the two that amplifies our tendencies to be catty and nasty.

  52. Temitope Oluleye

    April 29, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Well said Toolz.

  53. Ada

    April 30, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    This article is perfect for my housemate! she never compliments anyone, when she notices your looking good she raises her face up and act like she has a problem with you. When you pay her compliments she blushes and says thank you, the very next day what you wore last week she buys it and wears it for lunch with you smh.

  54. damilola

    April 30, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    Toolz that was nice, I’m generally a “honey” “sweetie” person and I just always think the whole world is prettier than I am. ..even when people say I am I just get the “Hmmmm” you’re lieing thought.

  55. Tunji

    April 30, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    Women take note o

  56. A

    April 30, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    #Teamtoolz baby! loool . God bless u jare zsa zsa for that comment. Cut them off! Aint nobody got time for rubbish! hehehe 🙂

  57. florence

    April 30, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    @ damilola i feel u dear buh trust me we’re all beautifull in our own way

  58. Myne Whitman

    April 30, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Great article!

  59. D'gal

    May 1, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    Errr…i know this is totally out of it, buh i was just wondern if Toolz could share her skincare products…. Mayne ! she’s glowing..

  60. Bathsheba

    May 6, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    toolz, ur so on point, putting out some ones light will never make your to shine brighter, biko Nigerian ladies live and let live

  61. Bibi

    May 8, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Well said

  62. classy toolz, you rock jare

  63. Tutu

    May 23, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    “Giving props where they are due never takes away shine from you, it only ever adds to your glow…” loved this

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