A few days ago, I bumped into an ex-boyfriend while shopping for a new phone at a local mall. We exchanged pleasantries and I politely declined to give him a hug because I found it very inappropriate. I offered him a warm handshake instead. While driving home, I laughed at myself and found it difficult to understand why I had clung on to the idea that we would get back together long after we had ended our relationship.
I had refused to tell my family or close friends the truth about our breakup as I felt he was going to come back to his senses and run back to my arms. I was aware he had moved on very fast. He was in a very healthy relationship with a younger woman who was also a family friend. The new lady, unlike me, participated in his family functions. I knew all this about his new life because I was secretly stalking him on Facebook at night. I’d make prank calls just so I could hear his voice or get his attention in whatever way I could without him knowing it was me.
In front of family and friends, I would put up a brave face and insist I was focused on building my career and wasn’t ready to move on to another relationship. For months I waited and prayed for a man who had forgotten I existed. He had a beautiful life that I refused to accept I was no longer a part of.
I continued to struggle with the pain and was too ashamed to open up to anyone because all I thought and knew they were going to say was to ask me to move on with my life. This was easier said than done, as I had invested four years of my life in building our relationship. He was my first love and was exactly the kind of man I prayed for. Why then had he ended our relationship so abruptly? It took me 14 wasted months to find out that even though everyone thought I was a confident and an inspiring young woman, I was suffering from a very low self esteem. I refused to accept the fact there are no rules and plans to life especially when another independent individual was involved.
Gradually, I began to talk about the mistakes that I made and I realized that the pain and emptiness disappeared. I had spent the past four years trying to be a better girlfriend rather that becoming a better person.
So when I found out that my friend spent a better part of the night visiting the social media networks of her ex boyfriend and his new girl friend, and had created a picture folder of all their activities, I knew she was still stuck on him. Even though she keeps telling anyone who cares to listen that she could never go back to her vomit, deep down she was angry that he had found someone so fast and was already sharing their pictures on social media – something that she totally abhorred.
Rather than talking her out of living a lie, I simply shared my story with her and how much less our attitude makes us feel when we insist on holding on to something that is nonexistent. It is very good to cry and lean on close family members for support, but the most important thing is to first believe that nothing is wrong with you and that there was nothing you could have done to make him or her stay.
I know that a lot of women find it really had to move on when they lose a loved one, as they always feel that there was something they didn’t do right. They feel there’s something that could be fixed if given a second chance, but the truth is that not all relationships are meant to last.
Photo Credit: cutcaster.com
Nky Egbe is a 27 year old woman who was born and raised in Agbor, Delta State. A graduate of Delta State University, Nky holds a Bachelors degree in Languages and Linguistics. She works in Lagos and loves to write as it gives her an opportunity to air her views. She is the writer of several unpublished articles and is willing to learn.