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Isio Knows Better: Captain Obvious & Car Troubles

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Isio-Knows-Better-May-2014-Bellanaija1-562x600I sincerely lay no claims to being more knowledgeable than anyone, but I do confess that I know better than I did yesterday, last year and a decade ago.

Isio Knows Better is an attempt to capture the shocking and highly entertaining conversation within myself. The conversations between my mind (the sharp witty one), my soul (the lover and the spiritual one) and my body (the playful one concerned with the more mundane things of life). She is the eternal referee between the caustic mind and the sensitive soul. This is Isio. So, here’s to making private conversations public.

Enjoy!
***

My sister and I were stuck in the middle of nowhere; many miles from Benin and a few miles north of Ijebu Ode. We were travelling in her car, a swift and efficient silver saloon that ate the miles up easily. However, we were forced to halt after two of our car tyres ripped suddenly and savagely. To our east was a vast gulley of dizzying depth covered in dense vegetation, to our west was a thick forest.

Ahhhh! see gobe.

Quickly, our driver navigated the car in reverse after breathlessly telling us that we were in a place that wasn’t safe, as armed robbers could leap out of the bushes wielding vicious machetes and/or guns asking if we preferred our lives to our money. And just like that we sped in reverse with two wretched tyres until we got to some kind of clearing that looked safe enough to park.

We came down from the car and looked around. There was a shed nearby. We saw tyres, but no vulcanizer. One of our wretched tyres looked like a banana that had been stomped on by Goliath in the battlefield. The other one looked like it had been pierced by a knife, twice. It was hot, really hot. I looked down at my top. A black little spider was marching furiously up, towards my neck. I swatted it away in horror.

‘‘Doomed, dooooo-med, doom, doom-dooom’’ My mind sing-songed her unsolicited opinion again. At least she wasn’t smirking this time. My soul was still dozing. That one refuses to be bothered by anything. Once more I perused our surroundings… I hated to say this, but it did seem like we were doomed.

As if on cue, a group of four area-boys rushed to ‘‘save’’ us. They encased the car and gave many elaborately horrific predictions of our fate. We had to buy this, we had to do that.

‘‘Aunty give us money, make we go buy something for you.’’

Money ko, cowrie shells ni.

‘‘Ha, aunty you go buy many many tyres o, see this one don scatter baje-baje. Give us money, make we go Ijebu-Ode go buy am for you’’

Thank you o, Captain obvious. I can see that the tyres are ruined. I am female, not a learner. SMH.

Meanwhile our companion-driver was busy sweating, struggling to remove the tyres while these group of four area-boys just stood there mouthing off about what a pathetic position we were in. Not one offered to help. I found them quite annoying. But then, I find people who do nothing, offer no solutions but keep pointing out problems annoying. These people I call Captains of the Obvious.

It’s so unfortunate, but we have so many of them around. Think about it. You have a brain-storming session in the office to find a solution to a problem, but somebody(s) will spend 95% of the time and most of their energy trying to lay blame as to the cause of the problem or exhaust you with their many meaningless justifications that they didn’t do anything wrong and so it was so-so-so-and-so’s fault.

Captain Obvious. That is not the issue here. Either try and help fix this mess or kindly vamoose from the meeting.

Some will just sit down there like an ancestral principality, their sole purpose- to criticize and shoot down the ideas and opinions of anyone who proffered an idea or a solution. It would seem they take some perverse pleasure in letting everyone know in scorching detail how your plans would fail woefully. Five hours later, they would have managed to get everyone worked up, and you would still have no solutions in the office.

Captain Obvious. Awon iya ati baba oshoronga l’awon eleyii o! Mo gbe idi fun yin.

(Translation: These ones are the mothers and fathers of evil spirits o! I carry ny*nsh give you!)

I thought wistfully about my car in Lagos. Heaven knows I loved that car, even though lately it had become temperamental. Yup, I am serious. My beloved Liberty Jeep was a sweet ride most of the time, but I was honest enough to admit that our car troubles would have been exponentially worse had it been my car on the road instead of my sister’s. At least it was just tyres that that we needed here.

My own eh, walahi, Captain Obvious sef go tire to talk. He will point out the obvious so teyyyy, saliva go finish for e mouth. I am telling you, I don’t even know where to start from. When the door starts its madness, there is one special upper-cut-Jet-Li move you have to give the door from the inside in order for it to open. Me I no kukuma dey shame. If my door locks and I am giving you a ride, I unleash my kung-fu moves on the stupid door. You will have to bear with me biko. Anywhere and in any place, I am ready with my shiko. At least I don’t scream the ‘‘haaaiyaaaaa-yaaaaaiiiiieeee!’’ the Chinese scream just as they deliver a devastating blow. I just blow the door…devastatingly. This is how it would be until God buys me the car of my dreams, a white 2014 Ford Explorer.

Yes o, God will buy it for me, because me, as I dey here so, if you squeeze me and shake me up and down… well, let me not talk, so God will not vex, since he has said there is power in the tongue. So, thank you Lord in advance for my new car.

My people, hmmmn, that was how it went o! In spite of the prophecies of doom from the four Captains of the Obvious, we managed to get one of our tyres fixed, and purchased a new one for a really good price. Halleluyah!

Know of any Captain Obvious who just delights in pointing out problems and never proffers a solution? How did you deal with them?

______________________________________________________________________________________________
Isio Wanogho is a top-model, TV Personality and entrepreneur. She is conversant in five languages and has 12 years of experience in the Nigerian entertainment industry. Isio, popularly known by her brand name Isio De-laVega, captivates audiences with her signature wide smile and relatable, quirky personality which endears her to many. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @isiodelavega

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

28 Comments

  1. Tru

    June 24, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Dearest Isio, I confess to being a Captain Obvious especially when it comes to present State of the Nation. But on my honour I swear it’s a bad habit I’m working hard to break.
    Meanwhile you had me doubled over with laughter at Chinese scream and breaking open your car door – LOL!!! Still, since there’s power in the tongue, I’m believing Baba God for my sleek, black, 2014 Camarro! 😀

  2. Bleed Blue

    June 24, 2014 at 9:36 am

    State-the-obvious-dot-com people ehn!

    Yesterday I asked a pal to please recommend good schools for my son in Lagos. She had doom and gloom stories about how the really good ones are hard to get into…I should have applied since January…there are waiting lists from here to infinity…sigh…

    I asked her; Okay so what do you suggest? She said “I don’t know oh”. And that was that.

    She didn’t offer any solution or assistance, but at least I managed to nip the unhelpful discussion in the bud.

  3. Neo

    June 24, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Isio, now i know for sure we are spirit animals. I had one Peugeot 306, I named him Chukwuma. It needed a name that could accurately capture the very epitome of ruggedness it was, from the gear stick (please read as actual stick, after everything else break comot) to the driver window that would willingly wind down but to go back up na trouble. Kai! Thats how one day i gaj dey go wedding, my babe levels nor get part 2 and it started to rain. Wash away the sins of the world type of rain oh, see me struggling, i dey beg Chuks that day ehn, used all the techniques of winding, lai lai glass nor gree wind. Then this car pulls up beside me and the man is gesticulating and rotating his hand that i should wind up. If i could remove my steering wheel i for remove am take stone am! I just like to dress up enter my car and wind down for rain to beat me abi?

    God has elevated me from Chukwuma to Ceecee ( she is actually a sissy, small pothole she will whine for days) and He is taking me even father to my fire engine red Ford Edge Limited Edition. Ive even named her. Melissandre.

    • dinky

      June 24, 2014 at 10:05 am

      @Neo, Lmaooooooooo! u really are a good writer. you should totally start writing if you are not. This got me laughing really hard… very simply and well worded….

    • Linda

      June 24, 2014 at 10:12 am

      lol! Amen

    • Bibi

      June 24, 2014 at 11:05 am

      You are a nut case, Neo. You got me laughing.

    • Debbie

      June 24, 2014 at 11:21 am

      my belle o…..just busted out laughing at work……I thank God for you o
      Isio….you’re the best

    • TA

      June 24, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      Neo Oh Neo! How many times I call you? If dem sack me for work na you cause am o. ROTFL! Hehehe LOL. Me too,I have one ‘Stella Maris’ in my life that loves to whine any small water she enter like this. Hian! Am praying fervently for my ‘Obinna’ a White Ford Edge (Unlimited sport edition) Gaskiya.
      Nice one Isio.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 24, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      You’re a wild cracker, you this pikin 🙂 And what this love of Fords in the house today? I never figured it for a car brand to hanker after… although, I’ll admit the Cougar looks nice.

      And “Melissandre” is a befitting name for a sweet ride. Mine is affectionately named “Ada”…

    • Person

      June 24, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      My sister, you nor well o! I af died of laughter!!!! 😀

    • jcsgrl

      June 24, 2014 at 5:02 pm

      Oh dear God Neo nwanyi a stop it naa. See me laughing, cackling, coughing, almost rolling on the floor wiping tears from my face. Chei the part about throwing the steering wheel at the guy had me dead.

    • Just me

      June 24, 2014 at 6:09 pm

      Kai this one cracked me up “from the gear stick (please read as actual stick, after everything else break comot)”

  4. dinky

    June 24, 2014 at 10:06 am

    *very simple and well worded… (forgive my typo)

  5. Indiana

    June 24, 2014 at 10:58 am

    @Neo, don’t know if I should hit you or kiss you…..hahahahahaha! Where did you get all those names for your cars? lollll

  6. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com

    June 24, 2014 at 10:59 am

    ai moye Captain Obvious – countless captain obvious.
    ah you are hungry? eh yah, and they’ve finished selling their food at the canteen and you would have gone to Royals but Sandra was telling me yesterday that she saw an insect in their salad. mtscheeew. And sending one of the cleaners to shoprite now would mean you will have to wait for at least 40 to 50 mins, we would be closing for the day by then sef, if you were not on a diet I would have offered my snacks from MPR this morning. Just mange till we close jare. No sorry, no waiting for any response, no solution at all, just jabs. hian!

  7. damsel

    June 24, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Isio and Neo got me rolling on the floor ….

  8. great

    June 24, 2014 at 11:10 am

    My darl Isio, Kudos to you for this luvly write up. We have one “Iya oshoronga” at my work place. In fact her own is so extreme; all she does is gossip about everything that goes by shamelessly. She will avoid all work there is to do and will never relent on criticizing those who actually get the job done. She will always put everyone else’s opinion or effort down at any given point.
    She knows all the different ways and strategies of doing absolutely nothing at work everyday , having worked there for over *12 yrs *…… she describes herself as the *Oldest Staff*.

  9. onyx

    June 24, 2014 at 11:17 am

    @Neo u nor well o. Na my name u give to your former jalopy. lolz. Anyways thank God for the elevation. More to come your way.

  10. Loulou

    June 24, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    They are really iya and baba osorongas, the one in my office is a lawyer o,she can talk for africa and still not make sense! What we do whenever she enters any office is to keep quiet and form busy,even if you’re not,that sends her back to her seat. My car is named after me, LOULOU cos she’s still pretty and behaving fine, if she starts messing up, am gonna rename her “CRUELLA”… Thanks Isio, and Neo too,u lifted me from a foul mood.

  11. D1

    June 24, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Isio, under what column are your articles filed?…having to do a google search each week to find your articles isn’t exactly fun – y’all need to look into this

    • Que

      June 24, 2014 at 2:33 pm

      Hey D1 maybe my strategy might work for u, I get here a bit late on Tuesdays, by then the BN homepage is clustered with stories, and I cant find isio, so I go straight to ‘News and Features’ and scroll down to ‘Isio Knows Better…’ …less than 5seconds.

      On d subject, I doubt I know a lot of the problem identifiers cos once u start with the capt obvious routine, and I know there’s no offer of a solution frm u, I shut that conversation down/ excuse myself, n think or call someone who can help… No time for time wasters!

  12. Zee

    June 24, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Hahahahaha ! How can someone be this funny! Oh Gad!

  13. jcsgrl

    June 24, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Eheeen Darling Isio, I knew something was missing in my life this afternoon but I couldn’t put a finger on it. I clicked on BN, perused some articles, commented but the feeling no disappear. I kept wondering what could the problem be. As I was about to exit BN na em I com spy with my little brown eyes the posting of @Que’s comment. And instantly my sorrow turned to joy. The feeling of happiness that just envelope me ehn. See wetin you dey do woman not to talk of man. Chei Isio De la hotness, dar is God ooo. Meanwhile I spotted you on Episode 1 of Gidi up. You can’t belev I watched that your scene over and over again. Ihe a apuola na egwu (this is not a playing matter again). Na when I was rewinding again for the 4th time, wey I com hol maself. I hope say no be Isio craze dey do me. You were so beautiful and funny. The wey you tell lover boy to commot for road ehn. You’se a funny chile! Dazall I wan yarn. I no get any Captain of the obvious tori

    • Isio De-laVega

      June 24, 2014 at 9:22 pm

      Hahhahhahaaaaa! Awwww my dear, you flatter me o, and I am greatly humbled. Without loyal BellaNaija readers like you, #IsioKnowsBetter is nothing, and then all of una wey dey comment, infact, 5 billion gbosa for you o, plus plenty-plenty tuale sef. 😀

      Thanks about the beautiful GidiUp review! Infact I am flying off to go watch the first five episodes now-now…

      xxo!

  14. adelegirl

    June 30, 2014 at 11:33 am

    So, I had to scroll and search for last week’s Isio Knows Better cos I missed it and was like behaving like a junkie till I found and had my fix.

    Ehen, aimoye Captain Obvious! Even me, I confess to being a Captain Obvious sometimes – pointing out the doom and gloom without proffering a solution. However, I catch myself in time when I am towing this line and immediately take dressing. Artisans can be the worst Captain Obviouses. They will rattle on non-stop, if you let them, about the many problems of what needs to get fixed and I always have to cut them short and be like “go straight to the point- how will it get fixed and how much will it cost?”

    Car troubles, aimoye that one too- I love my car, I have a name for her sef, but she has become a prayer point. Anytime I pay my tithe and I am praying the Malachi 3:10 about the devourers being kept at bay from my finances, my car and her palaver always pops up in the mind’s eye. I am almost always referring to her. Which one do I want to mention- is it the AC that I have had to buy compressor for like 3 times and it is still not working? Or the many electrical issues with the door control system and windows? Right now, the driver’s side window is stuck and won’t go down- I have fixed that one too countless times to no avail- it keeps getting stuck; the “gum” keeps drying out or something of the sort. The front passenger’s door lock will not open until I manually pull it up. The remote opening has pafukaed. Abegi, mi o le wa ku. Yet people will see me driving the Honda Accord 2007 and think all is well with me and the car *yinmu* If only they knew. But I believe e go better!

    Funny you should mention the Ford Explorer- such a lush ride. I rode in it yesterday. The senrenre of that car ehn? It has also become my dream car. It used to be range rover evoque but with babies coming soon atink that Ford Explorer is roomy enough for school runs and sturves. 🙂 From my lips (and finger tips) to God’s ears. I don talk am o Baba God, pls make it happen! Amen! 😀

    Thanks Isio for another brilliant down to earth piece.

  15. Fashionista

    July 1, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    LMAOOOO Isio, that was a good one. I have to put up my hand here, I can be a captain obvious sometimes *coversface* but mostly to my hubby, to wind him up, as he can be so annoying when he’s spewing his brilliant logic. lol.

  16. Paddy

    July 3, 2014 at 10:08 am

    you’re a really good writer, you need to start your own blog if you haven’t already

  17. babygiwa

    July 6, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    *covers face* sometimes I am d real captain obvious oh, I will definitely work on it. Thumbs up to Isio de la hotness for yet another brilliant piece

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