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Isio Knows Better: Why Would You Like To Be Married?

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I sincerely lay no claims to being more knowledgeable than anyone, but I do confess that I know better than I did yesterday, last year and a decade ago.

Isio Knows Better is an attempt to capture the shocking and highly entertaining conversation within myself. The conversations between my mind (the sharp witty one), my soul (the lover and the spiritual one) and my body (the playful one concerned with the more mundane things of life). She is the eternal referee between the caustic mind and the sensitive soul. This is Isio. So, here’s to making private conversations public.

Enjoy!
***
It was a beautiful night, and I wasn’t expecting any drama. In truth, I wasn’t expecting anything, just a nice moment with another adult, where we’d converse on life issues, spirituality and other fascinating yet generic subjects.

As the spirit leads…

Exactly, as the spirit leads. And somehow, it must have been the Holy Spirit which led my companion to ask me about marriage and the reasons why I would like to be married. It would seem that to an unmarried man in his forties, such questions are sensible questions to ask on a first ‘date’, (except that it wasn’t a date, it was just tea biko). Even more, it would seem that every unmarried female of marriageable age should have an avalanche of perfect answers to this question that would either make his soul sing with ecstasy on having found his missing bone or would send him fleeing in horror at the possibility of losing his freedom to that woman, and the more horrible reality of having to be accountable to any woman for the rest of his life.

And so he asked me this question, and went even further to ask the kinds of qualities I would like my future husband to possess; and I, being of simple needs and yet of sure mind, took a moment to ponder this, and this was what I said to him.

“Happiness is everything to me. And what would make me happy in marriage would be to share my life and love with a great husband. A man who is not just a companion, but a best friend. Someone I can laugh with and ENJOY growing old with. Someone who feels the same way about me. Loyalty is important to me, so that goes without saying.

Secondly, I would love to have an exceptional father to my kids. I really mean that. Thirdly and most importantly, someone with whom our life together is stronger, better and happier than our lives apart, definitely better than our individual lives before we met and decided to cleave unto one another. I believe people have no business marrying another if they know deep in their hearts that they would make their partner a worse version of themselves. But this is just my belief anyway.”

If knowing you, will leave me in a worse state than when I met you, (and vice versa) thanks, but no thanks.

And so I asked him the same question, and he answered without hesitation. “Oh, I just want to get married because I want a baby. There is no other reason why I feel I should get married. I really want a child, and if I have to marry the mother to get to keep my child, that’s what I will do.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! See something!

“That is such a horrible reason to marry someone. Wow.”

Yep, I had to say it. Few things more repellent than the idea of being shackled to a man who doesn’t want you at all, but wants your body for its breeding abilities. It’s like he was saying to me, all I want are your eggs, your womb, your DNA. A safe place where I can plant my seeds. How can you be married to someone who only sees you as a means to an end? He didn’t want a wife, he wanted a breeder, a goose to lay him some golden eggs. And so what happens when the kids are all grown and have lives of their own? Who does he feel will wait some 20-30 years for him to finally see her for who she really was; a glorious human being, blessed with talents, gifts, life? The question is, is he even interested in his woman’s magnificence? And more importantly, what if God tarries in blessing the union with a child? Can you imagine the hostility, the coldness, the brokenness they would have to endure? What if he was the impotent one? Would he take responsibility or just resent her even more for it?

It is just about as distasteful as if a woman said this to a man on their first date: “Can you just mount me, so I can get pregnant and just have a baby? You don’t have to be involved in our lives. Just donate the ogi and I will take care of the rest…”

OR

“Waow, you look kind of rich. I really don’t want to marry you either, I mean you could be a psycho for all I know. Anyways, I can be your golden-egg-bearing goose, but first you have to set us up. A will giving us all your assets when you are dead, a hefty trust-fund for our child that will shame Satan, and enough money so I never have to work again. You can do what you want, and I what pleases me”.

We can all guess how that would play out… for sure, that will be the LAST TIME  you will ever see that man again.
Nah nah nah. Not for me.

Marriage is to be enjoyed, not endured.

As I sat there in the awkward silence that ensued, I had this mental vision of me drenched in sweat after many gruelling hours of labour, my legs still up in stirrups. Blood, sweat and fluids stained the sheets, but I was happy- finally I had birthed OUR masterpiece. And just as I stretched my hands out to the doctor, feebly but enthusiastically to see the life WE had created, he (Mr-I-want-a-goose) would snatch the child from the arms from the bewildered doctor, raise the child to the heavens in a triumphant Lion King pose and vamoose from the labour room (indeed the hospital) with our masterpiece – never to be seen or heard from again!

Hahahahhaaaaaaa! I had to chuckle internally. Nice one guys. I had to give it to my mind and my soul when they decided to collaborate and create a shockingly twisted, utterly appalling scenario of doom and damnation. They were lavish in their imagination, even showed me my face looking gaunt and tired under the hospital’s harsh fluorescent lights. I could feel my mind beaming proudly in their little twisted collaboration. I could hear my soul sing-song her disapproval through my consciousness. Not him, not here… he is not yours and you are not his. Not him, not here.

And so that was how that went. I spent the next few days pondering on the real reasons people have before they get married. If you are married, what were you hoping for? Are you happy with the one you chose? If not, why not? Did you marry the love of your life or did you settle? What changed? Are you happy with who you are now?

And for the unmarried ones, if God said to you, “Imagine an ideal world, and then tell me what you would like in a partner’’. What would you tell him? No shame, just truth.

And for those who don’t want to get married, that’s also fine- what would you rather have, or better still, who would you rather be?

______________________________________________________________________________________________
Isio Wanogho is a top-model, TV Personality and entrepreneur. She is conversant in five languages and has 12 years of experience in the Nigerian entertainment industry. Isio, popularly known by her brand name Isio De-laVega, captivates audiences with her signature wide smile and relatable, quirky personality which endears her to many. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @isiodelavega

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

120 Comments

  1. Oyinade

    June 17, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    🙂 Nice, I’m waiting for the comments.

    • PurpleiciousBabe

      June 22, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      lol @ waiting for comments seems it like most BN readers look forward to that too hehe…

      So after reading the article, which I totally agree with valid points raised. I also read some of the comments.
      I must say it seems more people are concerned with who they would want rather than who they would like to be and in return compliment who they desire.
      I think it is easy to place a responsibility on the other person to make one happy, smile etc but what about you? What do you/can bring into the relationship that makes it worthwhile. It is well and good to want something, but what about nurturing it? what about the years to come? My concern for the “want” rather than the “need” to get married is rather alarming and calls for concern. We all have wants that are endless but the “needs” are far more important.

      So in regards to Isio qs, I want alot of things in a partner that I know I possess myself.
      I don’t want to place a responsibility or owe my happiness to somebody rather lets bring our happiness together and make it a full house. In a nutshell, lets compliment each other, grow, learn and enrich our lives that knowing each other is a blessing, a gift, an amazing opportunity that changes us for the better that living without is not and will never be an option.

      Another epistle as usual. lol

  2. Nky

    June 17, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Nice piece Isio. I’m not married yet but when I think about marriage, what I envision is laughter, lots of it, happiness and having a best friend for life. Having kids is definitely in the cards but it’s not the sole purpose. You should probably advise your Mr ‘I want a goose’ to get a surrogate. Lol. Looking forward to the comments on this one tho

  3. Ayo

    June 17, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Meaningful piece again. Keep it up Isio! Personally I have found this attitude of Mr. Golden goose common among the never married 40 year crowd. often the story was they were very arrogant and felt nobody was good enough for them so they focused on their careers and by their forties had accomplished something, gotten money and then they see the vanity of it all and expect young women in their twenties to swoon at their resources and be only too pleased to be their baby machine in exchange for a life of ease.
    Some young women see this and still go for it(who no like better thing)
    But it is always my delight to tell them to get lost (nicely) I’ll stick with my mates.

    • adeanon

      June 17, 2014 at 5:47 pm

      Actually I find that guys above 40 who have never been married have serious serious issues. They do think they have it all and are indeed waiting for the trophy wife i 20’s who fits into a look, speaks a certain way etc. However Frustration quickly sets in cos girls this days dont play. They are independent, savvy and know they have options. The girls over 30 that would settle or pretend to settle, these guys would refuse because they will say they are too set in their ways. If they do marry the 20- something, most times na wahala be that.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      June 17, 2014 at 7:57 pm

      Agreed with the first bit about men over 40 and single having lots of issues. The longer you remain on your own without dating or getting married the harder it is to accommodate someone else when you eventually marry them. I’m weary of older single men unless of course something tragic happened but either way I rather not.

  4. Alesha

    June 17, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    ‘Think of who you want holding your hands when either of your parents are being buried 6 feet below’ I read that quote somewhere not too long ago and it dawnwd on me… I wasn’t with the right person. I just broke off my engagement because it became apparent that he didn’t love me. He just wanted to marry and have kids…. And I certainly couldnt see him holding my hands when the day came that I would have to bury my parents. Tough decision no doubt, but I would sacrifice a nad marriage for happiness anyday!

    • Beverly

      June 22, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      That was definitely an interesting phrase. Thought provoking too.

  5. Troll

    June 17, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    I honestly don’t know why I’d want to get married. Yeah, I want kids but then again, if I could -without my mother killing me- have kids without a husband I would. Anyway, I’m in love now *winks* and I do hope we get married. He’s my best friend and understands my independence but I still feel that one day, we’ll get bored with each other. I can’t imagine spending such a long time straddled with one person. How do people do it?

    • nene

      June 17, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      21st century problems

  6. Thatgidigirl

    June 17, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Yay! my isio fix!!! Girls are not smiling o, isio all this ur sexy pishures every other week be oppressing somebori. Meanwhile, I have come to realise that reasons for marriage are modified as one gets older. For older single men that have become “comfortable” financially, its usually about finding a lady that would have their kids, and fit into that ideal wifely role they have created in their head over the years. The younger men want a woman that they can build with and improve them, whereas the older guys believe the woman is marrying an improved version already….they don’t want to be modified they just want you to fit into their lives some how. In the same vein, as a lady matures and becomes financially stable she doesn’t necessarily look for that “butterfly in the stomach” feeling anymore….at least i don’t, or a guy that would be a meal ticket. The list changes to stuff like isio has mentioned above i.e a man that would be a good father to my kids, a man that would improve me etc I certainly did not spend all this time and money bagging degrees, certification and work experience for some random guy to drag me backwards, if you are not improving me then pls face the door let me continue my solo work in progress.

    • Mercy

      June 17, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      hahahahahahaahaha…Thatgidigirl..Spot on!!

    • newbie

      June 17, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      Chai! I love you gurl for your last sentence!!!

    • sleepy eyes

      June 17, 2014 at 8:48 pm

      So true dear as a lady gets older are priority changes , once watched Wendy Williams show and she was analysing the whole age and priority thing and I realize the exact phase am at right now in my life,some few years back the guy I was suppose to marry was furious when he stopped seeing the supposed green light and he did everything to convince me all to no avail even sent me a message that I should fast and pray so I don’t miss the big thing he was offering but for where I stood my ground and worked my butt out so I can get what I have today,am I fulfilled? yes!

      Back to isio while reading your article I saw I male friend passing by and i decided to ask him why he wants to settle down and he said cause I like children and my reponse was but am getting a sperm donor and he looked at me like he just saw an alien(like giving men a taste of their medicine) .for the past few days it seems Bella naija has decided to give people something to think about from who should be the next of kin to wanting children and these about getting married, though my brother is the only one that knows about how I feel about marriage and all cause telling my parents would lead to them fasting and praying.i want to point out that it is important for people to be true to themselves, find your happy , explore all you can, find yourselves and define what you want in life.till we all realize marriage and having children is not meant for everyone and learn to accept others for the decisions they make then maybe just maybe we will stop being harsh on those people and start setting reasonable goals for ourselves .

      A CEO of a company in Nigeria once told one of my siblings that at all times a woman n
      must have a good career and once you start seeing the crack in the marriage focus on your children and move on with your life.

      Pardon my epistle for though it is great.

  7. mrs chidukane

    June 17, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    I got everything I wanted in the character department. I would like more money sha oh cos I wanna keep up with the Kardashians, lol. In my ideal life I would like to be a homemaker, married to a multi millionaire, a lady who lunches haha! With my little interests and businesses I do for fun. OAN most of my male friends tell me and believe marriage is strictly for babies, no time to have a relationship with the wife. Just give her money for herself and her kids

    • jcsgrl

      June 17, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      My dear I hear you on the character department. I got a great guy who will make an aamazing dad. He’s soo cute with our godkids. Financially, not there yet but we shall get the moola by God’s grace. Other things I wish I could have gotten maybe being the same social status as me. In most cases, we are great but in dealing with his family, it can be challenging to find common interests. So I’m not as close to them as I would like to be because there’s nothing much to discuss. But he understands and doesn’t sweat it. Spiritually, mentally and physically we complete each other. I love being married MOST times but I wont lie I miss my single days. Kai I really truly enjoyed being single. Sometimes I dey even jealous my single friends. (Confessions of a married woman) And yes sometimes I still find myself attracted to other guys. I tell ya Paul o akowatasiro ife a mehn!
      So Isio to answer your question, I’m happy being married or single. Actually getting married didn’t make me happier but gave me someone special to share it with.

    • Thatgidigirl

      June 17, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      @jcsgrl u can’t imagine how much u cracked me up with “Paul o akowatasiro ife a mehn!” loooooool! onye muru nwaa biko???

    • Iphie

      June 17, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      [email protected] akowatasirom ifa ofuma

    • Happy child

      June 17, 2014 at 3:30 pm

      “Actually getting married didn’t make me happier but gave me someone special to share it with”.

      I wish this was everyone thinking.

    • mrs chidukane

      June 17, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      It’s the same with me with the parents and ALL his relatives. We have nothing in common,its so hard being friendly and chatty when there’s nothing to chat about. Would have been same with my husband but what makes us work better is that he’s my no.1 girlfriend. Dude can listen to my gossip all day without yawning, lol. I enjoy being married, I don’t miss being single one bit cos I didn’t have much fun as a singleton because I’m a home body. When I date I don’t get attracted to any other person and I know there are cute guys out there but i don’t even see them. I have tunnel vision like that, lol.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 17, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      I’m ashamed to say that I don’t know what “Paul o akowatasiro ife a mehn” means :-(… please don’t judge me, I still rely on Sec School instructions about using accents to seperate pronounciations in my mind…

      And this – “I’m happy being married or single. Actually getting married didn’t make me happier but gave me someone special to share it with.” That’s lovely. That’s what it should be.

      [as an aside to Isio – why all this oppressing us with your hotness, na? Why?? Warn yaself oh, I go soon begin release my own “tofo” oh! 🙂 ]

    • jcsgrl

      June 17, 2014 at 7:09 pm

      @MsSA nne it was a line from the movie living in bondage when Andy (Kenneth Okonkwo) was told he had to use his wife for money rituals. It means Paulo, you didn’t explain the thing fully to me. OAN, this our phone tag shaa

      @Isio De La Hotness…continue. God is watching you in 4D. All this hotness you are sheaaring on BN. Dar is…

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 18, 2014 at 1:17 pm

      Living in gini…?! Make you stop am oh, I almost choked on my lunch… hahahaha!!!

      Y’all some hilarious women, imagine plucking that line from way back when… as for the tagging sturvvs… anyi ga fu na corner 🙂

    • sassy

      June 18, 2014 at 6:07 pm

      Love, love your comment. My life on all fours is what you just described. Paulo no try at all!

  8. laide

    June 17, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    As sad as it sounds, many people want to get married for the reason the man mentioned, and I really dont blame them, the society continues to feed us with bad news of marriages daily…its getting really difficult to think there truly can be happiness in marriage and people who look happily married are not faking it.

    • Iyke

      June 17, 2014 at 6:24 pm

      It’s hard to believe that in 2014, a ring on the finger is still seen as the ultimate stamp of success for women. What hurts more is that most of these ladies don’t even know why they got married in the first place – they end up becoming some misfit or freak of nature, sit at home Miss Havisham – style in a dusty old wedding dress poring over photographs of the ones that got away….
      As I go on this journey, I never intend through my actions to grant permission to be an object of detention in the mind of anyone’s demented invention.

    • ola

      June 17, 2014 at 7:25 pm

      I totally agree with you on this! All dey wanna do is get engaged. And forgetting how much work marriage itself is.

  9. lila

    June 17, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    here it goes…i don’t know if i would like to be married because i have never been in love. i have never had that *fluttering butterflies in the stomach* feeling (all i have ever had were *blood rushing out of my brain and into my uterus* feelings which then evolved into *abeg leave me!i’m tired of your black ass* feelings) .i easily get bored with men ; one of my suitors told me point blank to my face that he was afraid if i ever married him, he would come home one day and meet a note stating “i’m done with you, take care of your kids”

    that being said, in an ideal world (without societal pressures et al) i want a man i can laugh with, explore(not endure) life with, discover God with, read with, cry with, spend the afternoon at home dancing the jive,salsa,rumba(or if he cant dance, watch me dance);a man i would ensure would be the best in all his endeavours, his rock, his secret-keeper,his confidante, his greatest cheerleader.i just want a man i would be happy with and he with me…

    • Iphie

      June 17, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      [email protected] “I’m done with you, take care of your kids”

    • Just me

      June 17, 2014 at 3:49 pm

      “Deep” I easily get bored with men too, I love adventure a lot and most times like being alone. I dont even have any reason of wanting to get married if not for procreation cos I love kids but dislike their tantrums. Sometimes I ask myelf if I will be a good mother or wife cos am not the typical lady who with the wifely or motherely attributes. I may just end up having the kids and handing them over to my mum for upbringing.

    • Ada Nnewi

      June 17, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Boredom is the bane of my existence…i do very silly things when i’m bored…If my relationship becomes mundane through my man sticking to some boring routine i get cold feet…

    • Sisi Eko

      July 11, 2014 at 8:01 am

      Wow! This is really creepy! This mirrors me to the T! Every single detail!

  10. Miss Pee

    June 17, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Now I get a chance to talk about it thank you Isio, am scared, afraid to get married, why you may ask? Am scared of someone spoiling my plans for the future, not being a great dad for our children. Like I told step mumsy the other day, and she was like ah ah! okwi si e ya lu di dis year? I tell am say woman no vex you don marry dey comfortable me I wan dey comfortable oh, I’m not the kind of girl material things makes her to jerk, I don’t want a man with a 62 inches television, without visions for himself or future, he is so obsessed with his monthly paycheck and is not looking to invest in a business. Weda he likes it or not any man getting married to me, go get plans as per business concerns, if u no go fit manage am, wetin me wey be ur wife dey do?
    I want happiness and loooooooooooooooootsssssssssssssssss of laughter, I want a man that we can grow together in God’s love and understanding God in a new way everyday, a man that will push me to always be good bring out the best in me, a man that we’ll cherish our union together forever, a man we’ll grow old together and probably die together when we’re very old and satisfied with our accomplishments and vice versa etc. I want my children to look me up one day and say to me thank you for marrying our dad, you made the right choice.

    • Loulou

      June 17, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      Hmmm,the last sentence makes me think of my mum and how i can’t tell her am happy she married my dad…. she was too good for him,now she’s of blessed memory,and he’s all d parent i have,i love him but i will take my mum over him anyday

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 17, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      “okwi si e ya lu di dis year”. Ehen, that one, I understood so I’m not a lost case 🙂 Although, I’m properly used to hearing it in this dialect – “Okwa i si e ga lu di”…

      A marriage where the kids look at their parents and say “I want that”. Definitely an ideal union. And it’s not so lofty a goal to achieve, I’ve seen it around me so I know it’s possible.

    • Miss Pee

      June 18, 2014 at 9:51 am

      Yes ooh, you can say that again! @ loulou, you’re not alone dear #hugs

  11. Vegas

    June 17, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    The only reasons to get married is to have extra/combined income, Have children that will one day maybe take care of you, celebrate birthdays, graduations and weddings from your seed, have a friend as a spouse that you can be in company with when there is no one else around,that may take care of you more than anyone else, be responsible over someone else (your seed & spuse), increase your network and know more people from your spouses network.Did i miss something?

    All these can be attained without being married, but emotionally people prefer to be married to enjoy these things.If one cannot simply attain these things being single then by all means go ahead and get yourself married.But then again, none of these reasons are promised when you get married

    Some people are completely happy without all these things, even by definition these things seem to be the joys of what is considered to be enjoyments in the last decades of life

    If there dosent seem to be much else going on after someone reaches a certain stage/age in their life, why not go ahead and indulge in the joys of life that is left before you depart this world.

    Am not against marriage, but believe me.many who have married will not stay married once they realize that they can be happy without a partner to enjoy many things.

  12. deeAyo

    June 17, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Lovely write up Isio. I really want to be married to the very best man that God has for me,making our imperfection perfect together knowing and acknowledging our differencec and deficiencies,also commiting ourselves to the commitment of life time and having Divorce scraped from our Dictionary of Love.Making ourselves happy each day with or without children(but surely with great kid(s) cos we would be blessed by God) and becoming better together than we were when single(what one hand can do well,two hands will surely do much better)… I dream of the best despite the rough road we will pass thru cos marriage is work and the road is bumpy but a good jeep with the best driving team will drive thru safely…*winks*

  13. D

    June 17, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    Nice one Isio. Well I think the reasons why I’d like to be married mirrors yours quite well. To be honest, every one is different and thus ppl have different needs. I try not to judge those who marry solely for babies, money, companionship etc. Whatever rocks your boat so far as the other party is on side! I think it vital that people have some knowledge of themselves and what they want prior to getting married. I once turned down a really good friend of mine because I knew quite well that I was not the one for him…..call it foresight or whatever, I just knew I would not be able to bring out the best in him, yes I could bring out some good but surely not the best so I turned him down. I do realize ‘the best’ is subjective….so let me qualify what I mean….I am not striving for perfection just some level of happiness and peace through life’s journey. I would love to get married to someone who sees the real potential in us i.e. in all capacities as a wife, husband, father, mother, best friend, lover in all sense of the word 🙂 , leader, follower, encourager, provider, helper aka caregiver, teacher, listener, travel buddy, sex buddy, fun maker, cheerleader, peace maker, comforter etc….you name it….. and is ready to put in some serious work at bringing out the best in us so help him God! This is the attitude I have and hope for that mutuality in a marriage by the grace of God.

  14. Iyke

    June 17, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    Isio, I respect that man’s answer on having a baby as his reason for wanting to be married.
    Trust me,your responsibility is to be honest and not a hypocrite!
    Let’s look at it objectively, marriage holds absolutely nothing for men so why would the modern man get himself involved with it? Apart from having kids, I see no genuine advantage in life and I simply don’t believe human beings are supposed to be together forever. I find the whole thing quite unnatural, except as a social order tool in society brought about by religion.
    Like you rightly said, it’s supposed to be enjoyed and not endured. Therefore, if a person get’s married and is unhappy in the marriage then by all means, get a divorce. No one is doing anyone any favors by staying in a unhappy relationship.
    Secondly, if marriage becomes a unfulfilling and/or an unhappy one, it takes two to tango. One or both parties must confront why…. It is irresponsible and reckless to assume that unhappiness is the sole result of another person.
    As far as men not getting married, if a guy does not want to get married and sees women as a risk, so be it. Honesty and being up front is admirable and respectable. What isn’t honorable and respectable is treating another person as an object for one’s own selfishness.
    One of the key reasons why men in naija wait and wait to get married are
    *Concern about the great financial expense for what is basically giving a woman a great big princess fantasy party. I’d honestly rather spend the N1,000,000 on life experiences such as holidays abroad. Things we can do together, happy memories than the obsession with a piece of paper and a big party!?
    *Men want to wait to have kids, they don’t care that their partners have their own biological clocks.
    *Men are scare of change and compromise.
    At the end of the day, marriage or not, we have to look out for ourselves and our own well being – because no one else is going to do that for us.

    • Mrs A

      June 17, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      @ Iyke I love your honesty.

      People need to be more honest with themselves and others. Instead of living in some kind of fantasy world.

    • Mrs A

      June 17, 2014 at 5:49 pm

      I dont agree with you 100% but I appreciate your honesty.

    • Dy

      June 17, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      I rarely reply but your comment just spurred me. I agree wt some but not all you said and that’s okay. 🙂
      You said “Let’s look at it objectively, marriage holds absolutely nothing for men so why would the modern man get himself involved with it? Apart from having kids, I see no genuine advantage”.
      I say: Honestly, marriage holds more for men, they benefit the most from this institution called marriage. Men do not have to be married to have kids these days; so why are they still trooping to the altars and city halls every weekend? All that cannot be for just kids and because society says. I do not claim to know all but men can be very lonely beings. Not necessary the sex, cannot fathom what. I’ve seen this even with my dad who loves talking to my mum endlessly about every and anything; also at work where am the only female. Men long for that right intelligent female companion for approval, I think it’s something about every human wanting to be acknowledged and heard like Oprah said. Marriage creates that medium to elevate a man’s pride, sense of self and purpose more than it does for women.

      You said: “Secondly, if marriage becomes a unfulfilling and/or an unhappy one, it takes two to tango. One or both parties must confront why…. It is irresponsible and reckless to assume that unhappiness is the sole result of another person.”
      I say: Yes, unhappiness can be the sole result of another person you daily share space and intimacy with. Some people are forever sad and never contented, they will try to drown their partners in their energy. No matter how hard the good party tries to make things right, they are trapped with dealing with this negative energy that it starts to rub off on them.
      As a single lady, *pidgin*I go throw away address, run*pidgin* and care-freely twerk around my apartment in gratitude of sidestepping such a person but if you are married all that bitterness and sadness engulfs you till you are ready to claim your happiness back.

    • Iyke

      June 18, 2014 at 8:59 am

      @Trust me, as a man, my concerns are legitimate when I say that marriage holds nothing for men. Men are scared of working hard and losing half or more, plus their kids, to a girl who can say and do anything to ruin his life. The courts are not on the guys side either.The legal implication may not be widespread in Nigeria as at yet, but it’s creeping in seriously. Hate to say it, most men believe in marriage, definitely want to be married, we do feel lonely no doubt, but hesitant and scared to sign that dotted lines because every guy knows of a few other guys that had their lives ruined by marriage.
      In my musing, marriage as we know it, is a complete material and superficial concept created by the church. Why two people can’t be committed for life without a stupid ceremony is beyond me. Even then, there is the legal aspects that are not favoring the guy in the relationship. A lot of my smart and successful friends are only sticking to dating because they have worked too hard to lose it all in a marriage. I am talking about nice, down to earth, educated guys. They have no issues meeting wonderful women, but what is the upside to marriage… so they date and continue to focus on their lives instead. There are tons of guys who rush into marriage, but I’d be wondering how smart they really are, their honest motivation for doing that, and it seems also that girls will marry just about anyone out there. Ie the wrong ones, (No Character Vetting) all to be seen as being married.
      Perhaps, it’s time both sexes sit up, be completely honest with each other on their values and motivation for considering marriage. As long as both parties are not completely honest with each other on what really want …. am sorry, they will only spend the rest of their lives enduring their relationships. What then is the purpose of marriage if you are going to come out worse of than you were when you went in?

    • abby

      June 18, 2014 at 12:22 am

      Everyone to his or her own opinion, but the thing is will he be honest with whoever he chooses later to be his baby making machine that that’s all he needs her for… he’s only been honest with isio now for all we know

    • Ade

      June 18, 2014 at 8:22 am

      I second everything you said Iyke…

    • purpleB

      June 29, 2014 at 5:50 am

      I feel like the negatives you listed about marriage happen after the marriage isn’t working anymore. e.g. losing their money and kids. I agree with you on honesty so before marriage, both spouses can sign an agreement on joint child custody in the event of a divorce. Just saying. Secondly, a lot of women feel entitled to the money because they are asked to stop working to take care of the kids. They come to depend on their husband’s money because he insisted on her giving up her job. When divorce time comes, they can’t join the workforce easily as they have been out of the game so they ask for money to take care of themselves which they deserve. Women are scared of giving their all only to be left behind by a man because he is tired, bored etc. Men may have nothing to gain but women have a lot more to lose. You say you’d rather spend money on travelling than wedding extravaganza. That’s what marriage is about making sacrifices. Quite frankly, you can make memories of your wedding and that will mean more to your wife than travelling to another country. We are not oyinbo people to elope and marry without family. Its not everyone who wants it but the culture asks for it so we simply make the most of it by having as much fun as we can during these festivities. Most families i know, the bride’s family pays for majority of the wedding.

  15. ify

    June 17, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    at lila, i understand not having the butterfly feeling. I have come to the conclusion that it’s not for everyone cos i have not had it either. I would say i am lucky that i meet very nice guys and i have decided to let go of such norms and base my choice on values and character. choose qualities you cannot compromise on and remember you can not have it all

  16. Nuna

    June 17, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Donate the ogi.
    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  17. ohmine

    June 17, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    @ vegas u made valid points

  18. Dr. N

    June 17, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Lol @jcsgirl. I don’t miss my single days, frankly. I married a man more intelligent than I am (and they ain’t easy to find). He is loyal, fiercely so, and on a moving train, as far as vison and goals are concerned. Actually believes females have a right to be heard, wow. Loves Jesus, so much that it shows, and makes the children happy. This is a man who forgave my parents for all they put him thru (inter ethnic marriage things) and has never denied them anything, though there was no formal apology. When I fret over my looks, he takes out time to……errrmm….show me he has no complaints.
    All in all, he is worth it. I remind myself daily. This is the one who will never raise a hand to me, so money is secondary.
    drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • Joan85

      June 17, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      This right here…!

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      June 17, 2014 at 4:34 pm

      Where you been, Docky? (Huge beaming smile!)

    • jcsgrl

      June 17, 2014 at 7:14 pm

      Aww Doc you got a great guy! My man also moved past the horrible treatment my folks gave him bcos of his parent’s background o. I was truly disappointed in them but we had to forgive.
      But yeah I sometimes miss the autonomy of decision making I had in my single days. I miss being able to get up and go. I miss not having to consider someone else in what I do. I miss having my money to myself *evil grin. BUT I also will not trade for the world the companionship, the laughter, the accountability, the encouragement and buddy for life that marriage has given me

  19. eby

    June 17, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    i love u isio, u r so deep

  20. Aunty Prada

    June 17, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    My main reason for wanting to be married is that I want a helpmate. I’m tired of going all these things alone, abeg I want a guy to join money with and make my life easier. Even if na 50/50 split sef, that’s still 50% rather than 100% of my money gone.
    I want a guy that will wake up and take my car to the mechanic. A guy that will come and do all the manly things about the house while I chillax inside cool air.

    This independent life is for da birds. But sha sha, ultimately I want a BFF. A man I can call my roaddawg, we go parry togerra, chillax togerra, tell each other *most* secrets (plix a girl will never spill 100%), fight and make up, I go wear my Arsenal jersey, he go wear Manure but ultimately we will still be a TEAM *dreams*

    • Guy's Perspective

      June 17, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      And do you think most guys will spill 100% as well?…lol..

  21. Adanne

    June 17, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    I was looking forward to Isio’s topic today and more so for the comments that would follow(I take out time to read all of them). I didn’t plan on commenting but Iyke I would have to disagree with you on marriage not holding anything for men. I would like to believe that I try to add to every guy that I date let alone the man I would end up with. Why would he have me in his life if I can’t make him better in whatever way I can even if it’s praying fervently for his success in every area of his life. The bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and God helping me he who finds me would have something for him in marriage. I pray for you my darling that if you decide to get married, God would give you a woman that would give you absolutely everything in marriage.

    • Iyke

      June 17, 2014 at 4:52 pm

      Thank you Adanne. Your prayers mean a whole lot to me! God bless.
      I have decided to Quondo omni flunkus moritatis!

    • Confuzzled

      June 17, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      My dear if you look you will observe that Iyke is the only male voice commenting on this topic right now. Its very telling. What he said was harsh for sure but we ladies must listen very well because many men feel this way but will disguise it during courtship. The sad fact is that once their wives bear their kids, many men feel she has fulfilled all she can for them. Many women end up trapped in loveless marriages, waiting for the day their husbands Will finally look at them again. I have seen this happen too many times to ignore the reality.

      I guess the moral of the story is that we need to make sure we are on the same page with the men we decide to partner with.

      As for me, I am happy on my own. I won’t compromise on my happiness unless its for someone truly exceptional. Everything isn’t for everyone.

  22. newbie

    June 17, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    Like Iyke, I see nothing wrong in people marrying solely for having children – so long as both parties are aware and want the same thing. Isio you wouldn’t have wanted Mr Suitor to pretend to you, would you? He was not being selfish, he was just being honest. Maybe the trend seems to be more prevalent amongst older singles because they’ve been there done that that, now know what they truly want and are not afraid to say it. A few generations back, procreation was pretty much the sole reason for marriage. What changed? Because we now have the fancy word ‘love’? By the way love can mean so many things to so many people. To some it means ‘respect my space’. To others ‘provide for me’. To yet some others ‘laugh and play with me’. ‘Show empathy when I’m going through stuff’. ‘Fight my corner even if I’m wrong, you can reprimand me later’. The list goes on. What someone will appreciate, another may not.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      June 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      I bust out laughing yesterday when I saw the words “Shopping Complex” when I remembered one of your comments on Atoke’s Banter, something to do with Primark. Good to see you around today.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      June 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      You surely know I meant to type “burst”

    • newbie

      June 18, 2014 at 12:18 am

      Lol I remember that one! Good to see you too. And I know you meant ‘burst’ 🙂

    • OgeAdiro

      June 17, 2014 at 5:24 pm

      Thanks to Hollywood, the word love has completely messed up marriage.

  23. http://xplorenollywood.blogspot.com

    June 17, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    Nice one Isio, these fears are quiet real to us single ladies and trust me, the older we ladies gets, the more immature the men get (sometimes). Yes i want the one whom will make me laugh, the wind beneath my wings and all worth not, but these dont seem like a receipe for us to be married, cant we just be partners, have our kids, share our lives and once we get tired of each other move on???

  24. Loulou

    June 17, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    Isio de la vega,you looking hot… i get new ideas for my selfies from you.

    Now,my expectations from marriage…. We must be happy together as well as apart,my happiness cannot be compromised,i want to have that special glow on my face when i talk about or even think about him. He should also have that leadership quality, and an attitude of i want to better myself and my partner. I want someone that will see me as his best friend, his confidant,his companion, his prayer partner, his business partner, his yabbing partner, his one and only sex partner, his missing rib! And who will see me as same too… Honesty and loyalty are also important, and when God blesses us with children,who will love them as much too. May God grant all our heart desires…

  25. Ferrari

    June 17, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    I date a guy over 4o once…all he talked about was getting me pregnant….

  26. Ferrari

    June 17, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    *dated

  27. TA

    June 17, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Nice article,I love it because it feels like our conversation from Atoke’s Monday banter continues…:-)
    Why would I love to be married? You already said most of it.Because I would love to share my love,joys and happiness with a man who would become my best friend.I would love to cuddle and be cuddled back,kisses,great sex,romance,working on projects together,etc.My parents had a great marriage so I really cannot settle for less…In all of this,people should be true to themselves. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses. It helps you put things in real perspectives which will help you decide who you can live with and who you cant. God knows am still looking 🙂

  28. nene

    June 17, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    “Marriage is to be enjoyed, not endured.” gbam. it’s sad that most men, regardless of race or nationality, get married just to have children. sex is easy nd readily available from every corner, but no they can’t have kids with those women. may God not allow me to see such men..amen!

  29. Colour Purple

    June 17, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    Most adults are a product of the choices of people who became adults before them. What do I mean? People generally want things from marriage because they were made to believe very early on that those things are what they should want. Some people through various experiences either hold on to what was learned or deviate from it.

    As an Igbo girl, its very common to hear phrases like: oge nwanyi na a ga ga, (meaning a woman’s time speeds by) etc, implying get married while you can still have kids, or get married while you still have suitors. So in this type of environment it becomes easy for one to focus solely on procreation as a reason for marriage.

    After nearly making a BIG mistake marriage wise, I stumbled into an effortless relationship with my now husband and i can honestly say the purpose of marriage is friendship, laughter, joy, intimacy, fun and indescribable inner peace….If i could ask my single self what I would want from marriage it would be everything i’m experiencing (I never thought it would be possible but it really is)… 🙂

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      June 17, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      THIS IS IT! Inner peace. Many people underestimate the power of that inner calm in an individual. Someone who wants what you want as well. Owughi everyday anya ato mmadu n’ezi. Unu laba n’ulo kwachie uzo. Ihe obula unu huru unu eri a diri happy. Life is hard enough as is. Who wants anyone who’ll now coming and be compounding issues?

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      June 17, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      Come*

    • Ada Nnewi

      June 18, 2014 at 10:31 am

      Doro Purple…Doro Inner Peace….Doro Doctor *wink wink*

  30. Guy's Perspective

    June 17, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    I would love to get married someday, and I did think I will make a good husband, but my greatest fear is getting bored with the person. I get bored easily, and my solution to this is often very spontaneous (unplanned vacays etc), and I have a feeling that my spontaneous activities will be hugely curtailed when I get married.

    • Ada Nnewi

      June 18, 2014 at 10:31 am

      You are me in a Man’s body…

  31. June 17

    June 17, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    So many people are in denial of what marriage is.Not very easy to be selfless and put someone elses needs before yours even though that is what you should be doing.

    I had all the thrills of wanting my side kick, but that facet only lasted for so long.Once you realize that life dishes a whole lot of other stuff, you wont even have time to be doing luvy duby and walks in the park like when you were younger

    Children wahala everyday, financial problems, health issues because you are both getting older, low libido, work issues.Unexpected accidents and child loss, miscarriages, disability and to be with a partner that will rather just run away instead of support because they cant handle the heat.

    Neither one of us didnt know how each other will crack under these circumstances until they happen, try supporting someone emotionally when they dont have the discipline to free them selves from the stress that they are going through

    Try dealing with a spouse who has lost interest just because they choose to, or because they spot the beautiful girls that have fresher goods than you.Its just their nature of course, they were never like this when we started.

    Try supporting a partner that armed robbers became violated sexually and refuses to respect you or intimate with you or a husband is disabled from spine down and you become a care giver instead of a lover.

    Things change and so do people.Life will happen regardless of being married or not.Just know that somethings are harder when you and another person is involved and not one.A problem shared is not one that is always half solved, sometimes it complicates the matter

    Dont be suprised when things start to take a different turn and you will tell yourself,
    ‘hey i didnt sign up for this” YES YOU DID.

    • anon!

      June 20, 2014 at 12:06 pm

      Spot on…life happens despite our well laid plans. If you can’t face the unknown marriage is not for you.

  32. Easy n Gentle

    June 17, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Months back, the ex started whining about how I always acted like I don’t need her (this and other minor things eventually led to the break up). The truth is, I DO NOT need a woman to live and enjoy my life, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her this but it is the truth.

    Like a lady commented earlier, having a woman won’t make me happier. I’m doing fine by myself. But it’d be awesome to have someone to share the journey of life with; and perhaps have kids with. All these romantic notions and list, are for the women and feminine-men.

    Most independent and successful men, Dear Isio, feel the same as your ‘Friend’. Most men want women, they don’t NEED them (except for child-baring)

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      June 18, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      So, basically seeing as you speak for all men (who are in fact human beings first of all) that the feeling of wanting someone to love, share life with is feminine? Since when did it become a feminine thing to want someone to share one’s life with? Also, who says you cannot be okay as an individual and still want someone else? It should actually be the standard that every human being is complete on their own before they venture into a relationship with someone else.
      Basically according to you Mr Easy and Gentle, all of life’s troubles and desires for a successful and independent man is children? So, how would you rear those said kids? What sort of love and emotional support are you going to give them with a disconnected spouse who you obliviously don’t need and are there to raise your children for you?

      This mentality is the reason lots of Nigerian men are so weak minded, low self esteemed and misguided but they hide under the “ego” to purport their mediocrity.

      I do hope that when you finally want to marry so that you can procreate that you tell the lady in question this so that she can make an informed decision if you set up a life with you or nah.

  33. Lolo

    June 17, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    “I feel like I say I want to get married because I’m supposed to say so” – I remember that quote from being Mary Jane and it resonated with me. I don’t understand why I should be married . I don’t really crave it and I honestly enjoy being single a lot better than being in relationships. So why would marriage be different ?

  34. jum

    June 17, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    I am one of the numerous ple who now know better DAT, love is over ratted …a choice should be driven by certain rational goals and objectives not on a whimp of short lived emotion….if u choose laughter in ur life, marry someone dat makes u laugh ur lungs out..if its kids ..marry a willing brother! And if its money…….. !

    • newbie

      June 18, 2014 at 12:11 am

      Follow the ker-ching! I ma how far, nne m (gurl you know what’s up) 🙂

  35. Serendipity

    June 17, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    Honestly, this crosses my mind ever too often. and why Iv wanted to get married changes over the years. in my teens, I didnt know I would get to the age I am right now without getting married. i imagined a hot guy, fireworks, passion etc. Now I prefer subtlety, conversations, wit, warmth, laughter. Doubt if anything is sexier on a man than charm and intelligent. Hhhhmmmhhh…. And now, it amazes me how much I have grown. I am amazed at the sort of woman I have become. I admit, I love my space so much. There is no better feeling than driving home, parking my car, turning the key in the lock, pushing the door open, catching my reflection in the mirror and saying welcome. No better feeling than lying on my bed, stretched out. I have become too comfortable on my own, not out of choice but really, cos of the slim options out there. I am yet to meet a man who is witty, who does not mind that I like to bag degrees bocs I have a penchant for reading, who does not mind that I am independent. who does not mind when I dine in expensive restaurants or run to the local buuka for amala and ewedu. Im not looking for fireworks in my stomach, or my heart to fly out of my chest. I am not looking for a particular physique. I am not looking for someone stupendously rich rich cos I wasn’t exactly hawking beans b4 he came along. Have a job, be upwardly mobile, be successful at whatever it is you are doing. be it a software engineer, a sales rep, an accountant, a teacher, a chef, a painter…anything, just be a damned success becos I will not be unequally yoked! Just someone who …who when I hear his voice at the end of a bloody, stressful day that I feel like murdering someone…I will smile and know that I have come home. End of.

  36. abby

    June 18, 2014 at 12:36 am

    I once dated a guy I loved and was at peace… the relationship was full of everything good, even to compromise came with so much ease (both parties)… I would love that in my marriage

    • Ada Nnewi

      June 18, 2014 at 10:35 am

      why is he your ex?

    • [email protected]

      June 19, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      question why una no marry? There’s more to life than all the ferry tale notions….and i hope a ladies would learn the difference between real life and lala land

    • [email protected]

      June 19, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      fairy*

  37. Blackberry

    June 18, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Nice write up and comments. Really loving this topic. For me, I don’t think happiness and joy and all those nice things are permanent states in life, like soldiers in a barrack, they come and go as life happens to us all and they do. I think it is unrealistic to want to be happy all the time and it is the pursuit of these unrealistic goals that we get disappointed after we get into marriage. Personally, as a woman living in Lagos, the only reason I want to get married is to have kids, I don’t want the stress that comes with a “Lagos husband”. My sister is of the opinion that I only want kids cuz I make plenty money and don’t need a man to pay my bills and then come with the added burden of taking care of him, waiting for him to make decisions and ultimately deal with whatever side chic of the season drama is. she may be right, but most married women I have spoken to all tell me marriage is overrated and I should thoroughly enjoy being single cuz once I get in, fairy tale ends there. So for me, if I ever decide to get married, it would be for the sole purpose of having a gist companion when I am old and grey and my kids have gone their way, but life does not even guarantee that, cuz we plan one thing, and then life happens and we either roll over and drown ourselves in sorrow or face it head on. Finally, I want to thank everyone for their honesty so far, u don’t hear people being this honest everyday.

  38. Miss Independent

    June 18, 2014 at 8:51 am

    “Thirdly and most importantly, someone with whom our life together is stronger, better and happier than our lives apart, definitely better than our individual lives before we met and decided to cleave unto one another. ” <—- This is what i want.

    Thank you Isio, You are beautiful inside and out.

  39. Tos

    June 18, 2014 at 11:24 am

    abby so what happened??? we dont like unfinished stories here…:)

  40. portable

    June 18, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    DrN is living my dream oooo Chai. A man that has sense- haarrrd to find. One that has more sense than you. Chai, Odikwa nearly impossible. But dia ris God sha and I trust Him. Maybe He’ll make extra sense and add to one of the already existing guys before He makes our path cross.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 18, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      Hahahaha! Your post gave me a good laugh and I’ll join my resounding “Amen!!” to your prayer 🙂

  41. Mine

    June 18, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Take it easy ladies!

    1. All humans are social animals who derive pleasure in the company of others/loved ones. No matter how much of an introvert you are, you will definitely crave to be with someone – family members, friends, a lover… Therefore at a point in our lives, we will value the need for people in our lives, even if we have everything. Only an arrogant, ignorant, childish individual will say i dont need people in my life. The gift of good people is one of the best gift to humanity and that you can ever have.

    2. Many people haven’t discovered themselves and therefore can’t express themselves. A lady many be able to express herself like you have seen up here of ladies telling you the kind of man they want, while a man may not be able to express what he really wants. Many factors could be responsible- ego, diplomacy, ….. BUT to think a man just want you as a baby making factory is a wrong notion! I encourage ladies not to judge the book by its cover or have a biased ideology about men. I perceive many have had a bad experience with some guys and therefore locked up their mind and hearts. Anything men is a turn off to them.

    3. Many think they know but in actual sense they dont. Many think they want a partner just cos of sex, some think its just cos of babies, some think its just to have a friend to laugh with, some think its just to have someone to help financially, but psychologically, all of these is a craving for someone in your life.

    If its cos of sex, you can do a night stand or friends with benefits, if its babies, you can get from sperm bank, surrogacy, pay someone to carry for you…but it is more than that. It is an inner craving. No matter how hard you are trying to fight it cos of a bad experience with an ex, you might have been jilted, people close to you might have gone through bad incidences, the truth is psychologically, there is an inner craving from birth and the Creator. It is not good for a man/woman to be alone! Two are better than one!

    4. I challenge you all to go out there and make it work rather than having a pity party on the net. People here have different values, morals, ideologies, backgrounds and you don’t know who they are. People who are not so confident in themselves try to do online dating, try to find excuses for failures, hide behind the system and are not being true to themselves.

    Go out there, go make friends, get to know people, work on your character (many cant keep people cos of their own personal character), have a network of friends , be in the right place (where you are determines who you see and who sees you) join departments in church, go for social gatherings. If not solely to get a partner or an intending partner, doing these things make you live longer. Boredom is a killer. Outings (once in a while) frees your bottled up emotions, cares and endless thoughts.

    5. Lastly, a partner cant make you happy if you are not a happy person. You wouldnt even meet a happy person if you don’t the no4, above. If all you do is criticize, stay at home, have hatred for men, dont even wana talk to them, how can you meet a happy person? You determine who is attracted to you.

    Oh what a long epistle
    Stay happy friends!

    • Grown Woman

      June 18, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      I agree for this, all we do is judge these days and forget to love one another.

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      June 18, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      And there is the summary of it all. You could not have echoed my tots well. We all ve an inner craving for someone who will be permanent in our lives. All these reasons is a wall to cover it. Even people who want babies gan its cos they crave a permanent person to share the ups and downs of life with.

    • A Bili

      July 7, 2014 at 3:25 pm

      nice piece Mine

  42. Grown Woman

    June 18, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Wow lots of lovely comments.I would definately love to get married one day and ofcourse my partner has to be open minded, hardworking, smart,understanding and mostly someone who knows GOD.We should learn to respect each other and that way life will be more meaningfull.

  43. Haddy

    June 18, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Hmm… I read this post and most of the comments before convincing myself that I had to speak out. The burden of the fear of getting married is really weighing me down and I am truly relieved to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Though, mine is slightly different. I am not a domestic person. I don’t like cooking or doing any of that stuff (not that I don’t know how to, but I’d rather not).
    I am a very wonderful person, the nicest person I know. Humble, loyal, intelligent and beautiful. I’d rather go to villages and render humanitarian aid than stay in the kitchen and cook. That’s me. Also, I’m rather opinionated and free-willed, independent-minded. Most people interpret that as being stubborn, arrogant and too full of myself, but that’s not true. I also have a very fragile heart and would prefer to protect it than get hurt by any man. I have been in relationships but have had to end them cos something was always not right. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s the fear I feel about marriage.
    I have someone who has been proposing to me for two years now and he’s wonderful, but I can’t bring myself to say yes to him, and he prefers to wait until I change my mind. The pressure isn’t helping-from my mum, of course. I’m not certain I can be under any man, cos these men just want someone they can lord it over. I am not pompous and I know I can make a good wife and mother (I want a kid), but don’t just expect me to be domestic. Is that unrealistic? Or am I just plain ridiculous, lazy, confused and complicated?
    Sometimes I feel like I just want to be by myself, don’t need a man; but other times, I’m really lonely and craving love and attention, family life, the works. I want someone to love and to be loved by. Is that so unattainable?

    • Iyke

      June 18, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      You are so confused! lol.
      You don’t even know yourself …..are you an ogbanje/abiku? (just messing)
      On a subtle note, I think BN should explore an online dating/counseling section called ‘Dear Aunty Bella’. It can go like this:
      ‘Got a problem?
      No one else can help?
      Our resident AGONY Aunty Bella tell it like it is’.

    • Idak

      July 10, 2014 at 5:32 pm

      I also have a very fragile heart and would prefer to protect it than get hurt by any man.

      We all have fragile hearts but the beauty of love is in risking your heart being broken.
      On the rest of the stuff you mentioned,I really do not think you should fret. You will find it harder finding a partner,especially around here where most men want a domestic partner but that does not mean you will never find a man who will take you for you. If you think you have found one, go for it. Life is too short to be weighed down by this much fear.

  44. WedlockGist

    June 18, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Love this write-up, Isio! Your reasons for wanting to get married are definitely on point, especially where you said “to share my life and love with a great husband. A man who is not just a companion, but a best friend.” Friedrich Nietzsche says “It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages”.
    @Haddy – IMHO, it’s good that you are holding off on marriage until you feel fully ready. There is no rush. It is crucial to be open and honest with your future spouse on the reasons why you are hesitant. It might even surprise you that your ‘Mr. Right’ may not require you to give up your ‘real’ self, just to be with him. Just a thought.

  45. Ifynwa

    June 19, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Thanks Isio for this piece. I am very single now but will get married as soon I meet the lucky guy.I’ll like to marry a friend who ‘ll adore,love,care for me and equally tolerate my excesses…My idea of a good husy is one who is intelligent and will let me enjoy atleast 80% freedom that I currently enjoy,who shares in my dreams and hopes of doing the right thing,earning money the right way and having maximum fun*winks*.Be rest assured that when I meet this lucky guy the rest of his life will be his best.

    Ciao!

  46. Haddy

    June 19, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    @ Wedlockgist, thanks for your advice an for not making fun of a serious issue like Iyke has done.
    @ Iyke, you know, I expected better from you. I read this blog a lot and I’ve come to identify a few of you who usually make a lot of sense regarding advice to people like me. I seem confused, I mentioned that myself, you know. You didn’t need to rub it in or laugh at me. I’m torturing myself already as it is, thank u very much. Not all of us have got it together like some of u have, so there’s no need for all that. You don’t even know if your words are just what will push a depressed person over the edge. Think about that.

    • iyke

      June 19, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      @Haddy, I am really very sorry.I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings in anyway.I was just messing and from the depth of my heart, I take back my words.

    • iyke

      June 19, 2014 at 5:37 pm

      Honestly I feel so bad now. I am deeply sorry!

  47. DJ STELCH

    June 19, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    @miss per, , I don’t want a man with a 62 inches television, without visions for himself or future… I Love This!! Well Said… Amazing…

    ……………..
    .
    .
    .
    ¤GROWN MAN IN A YOUNG BODY¤

  48. Haddy

    June 20, 2014 at 8:17 am

    @ Iyke, it’s alright. Thank you.

  49. Odekanmi Benedicta

    June 20, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I can’t seem to think of a reply right now but I’ll be back

  50. Tired

    June 20, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    All this marriage talk dem! person don tire sef. if person dey confused, come read comments ei go confuse sef go pass. ehen! Wettin una fit talk about person wey yi don dey for relationship for 7 yrs now and go di walk down de aisle soon. but ei get some way wey she dey feel. she dey feel exhausted alrdy she go describeam sey ‘that feeling like person wey ei don alrdy dey married for like 50yrs. u knw wey no bliss or va-va boom no dey again.’ Abi dis na bad sign or na okay sign? i beg where all those pple wey dem di talk big big sense for dis BN, make dem come shed light on dis.
    Lol just had to express it in pidgin i think it flowed easily and more accurate too.

    • Idak

      July 10, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      The thing flow well. Make I answer you small.
      Nothing bad for wetin you feel. As long as say the man meet your requirements and you love am,me I go say fire on. No be all of us wey belle dey do yori yori for too long.
      If na by Yori Yori,plenty people no go marry. The thing wey go make your marriage last long pass that one.
      Another thing wey I go tell you na say you no go ever get 100% assurance fore your mind. There is no certainty for this life o but na that small uncertainty dey make love sweet. Make you enjoy your wedding and make happiness full your home. Make we see the pics for BN o!

  51. Not me

    June 21, 2014 at 9:40 am

    I want to get married so I can finally have sex. Yes I want the love and the laughter and most of the other stuff most of you mentioned but above all I would like to get married to have sex and more sex cos if not I’ll probably die a virgin. God forbid that happens.

    • Doxa

      June 26, 2014 at 10:28 am

      You may then find out that you dont even like sex sef, what then will be the sustaining factor of your marriage? #thinkaboutit#

  52. Olorigrey

    June 23, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Thanks Isio for this post; Mirrors some of the things that has been running through my mind lately. Like you I want very simple things from my marriage/ partner. Happiness and inner peace is very key; and most times go hand in hand as I find that when I’m truly happy I also have this inner peace. Being in my late twenties and people around me questioning why I’m yet to walk down the aisle with any man. They all tend to assume I have a long list of things I’m looking for and say things like ” u can’t get everything u want in one guy”, ” I hope u’re not being choosy”.
    I want to just scream All I want to is someone to make me happier( or not) or keep my happiness status quo.
    I hope that as I continue in the journey of life, improving myself and becoming happier I meet the person who makes me feel these things. So help me God.

  53. ifydodo

    June 24, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    I’m not going to form the strong independent woman who doesnot need male companionship.
    The truth is that i’m very needy.
    I dont need money *biko thats why i work and get paid*
    But do you know how soothing and reliving it is to have someone really care about you and someone who’s main goal is to make y0u happy?
    I want to get married to someone i really really love…
    Enjoy the attention (everyone loves “that” attention)
    Make babies together…nuture and grow our children in the way of the Lord!
    Save towards old age together…
    Retire and talk about when we were young and dating with our grandchildren running about.
    I have seen a great love between my parents (they are bestfriends)…i definitely want to have a love like theirs *if not greater sef*

  54. funmicristy

    June 25, 2014 at 9:24 am

    MARRIAGE is for a lifetime and not a per time institution,as for we the single ladies out there,we pray to enjoy our home and not endure our home.

  55. portia

    July 10, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    To me its the inner peace and having to smile every time i go to bed thinking that iv got a good man to share my happiness nd ups nd downs with. To enjoy and not endure!!

  56. Etebefia

    July 11, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Isio…………….You are wise beyond your years. I have been married for 7years and i will tell any lady this truth…….Your husband has to be crazy in love with you for that marriage to work. All that nonsense about God fearing does not work. If he is a decent man, respects his parents and his gateman likes him, than you are good. I said ”Gateman” because people tend to show their true colours to those that they think are under them. If he has these qualities, then he is likely to fear God. I will marry my hubby again, because he has made me a better version of my self. When we got married we both came with our demons, he was suffering from a broken heart and i was struggling with daddy issues. Look at us today, My hubby has treated me better than my biological Father and i have been a loyal partner. With God on our side, we have healed each other and we are enjoying our this thing called ”MARRIAGE”.

  57. aurora

    July 13, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Nice right up.

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