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Feminist Author says Black Pastors Keep Women Single

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BellaNaijarians do you agree?

An outspoken feminist and author Deborah Cooper in an interview with All Christian News says that pastors mislead single black women and its members.

In a book she wrote Cooper says that many women are convinced by their pastors to stay single, simply because they want these women to be available for the men in the church.

She also passionately speaks about the problems in the black church. She claims that a lot of black women miss out on the chance of being with a good man because they are too focused on whether he goes to church and not because he is a good person.

Deborah also claims these women have been brainwashed into believing that because a man goes to church, he is a good catch.

Do you agree?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime.com/Hongqi Zhang

58 Comments

  1. bima

    July 22, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    though im of the notion that going to church is very relevant for the soul and personal growth however i do agree with the point she made about how single ladies miss on a good man just because they are focusing on whether he goes to church….
    evil people still go to church oh!!!

  2. aderonke

    July 22, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    she has a very valid point here, we ladies have to be very careful. a lot of these church going men end up being mean, wicked and abusive. look beyond the church thing, he could be a good person naturally, you can in turn help him develop his relationship with the church and ultimately God. bless you Deborah, i hope lots of women will read this.

    • captain

      September 24, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      See ultimately your goal is to brainwash him like you’ve been brainwashed all your life. black women are the worst when it comes to blindly following the myth of the bible

  3. Bunmy Waxxy

    July 22, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    There’s a difference between ‘church goers’ and ‘believers’. I agree with Bima, evil people still go to church. If you’re able to lead him and he gives his life to Christ during your friendship, (which should be before courtship, to avoid any heart break ‘cos after 2 years of courtship he can still say no to God), then glory to God. You must be careful though ‘cos some men just pretend to get what they want. I think prayer is key. When you’re with someone, pray to God yourself for direction and believe that He will give you signs as to whether or not he is the right one. Listen to God and believe HIM! Most importantly, please don’t be in a rush to get into bed with your ‘partner’ before marriage, remember you are supposed to be the Christian

    • captain

      September 24, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      And if he decides he doesn’t want to go to church 5 times a week after 2 years of dating you’re going to just leave him. How stupid is that! Its you who needs to open your eye and see all the BS the church is feeding you. I know too many black women who are still single because they haven’t found that perfect christian man

  4. oje

    July 22, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    the reason why this woman writer is confused is that she is probably deaf. A real pastor wont say date a man who goes to church, rather they would say date a man who has a walk with God and exhibits the fruits of the Holy Spirit. those are 2 different things.

    • Ghato

      July 22, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      Oh wow. So she’s the deaf one. It has to be her error of mishearing the infallible man of God abi???? Clap for yourself!!!
      As if all pastors out there are real. Even in this very Nigeria, I can list pastors who INSIST on members of their congregation marrying one another ALONE, talk less of preachers who believe in marrying churchgoers. I’m sure you ran to type gibberish out your ass because you saw that she’s a feminist. Bigot oshi. Shameless fellow.

    • Grow Up

      July 23, 2014 at 10:54 am

      Ghato, dem tie you there?

    • Mystique

      July 23, 2014 at 9:39 am

      thanks sweetie………#nufsaid

  5. Me

    July 22, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    My husband is an atheist. He treats me like a queen and looks after my family as his own. I go to church and I can take our children to church when we have them. Men and women do not have to go to church, read the bible or even believe in God to be good people. We all know people who will wail in church and talk about being filled with the holy spirit but the moment they leave they are sleeping with married men and women, gossiping, beating up their wives and husbands, stealing from work and living a very non-Christian life. Ladies and gentleman pick a partner based on their values and the way they conduct themselves in life, with you, with their family, with your family, with your friends and with their friends, not because they can quote a thousand verses from the bible

    • Nahum

      July 22, 2014 at 7:45 pm

      My husband is not a churchgoer but I go to church and take the kids with me. He is a loving, generous and caring husband and father. I have seen too many Christian hypocrites in my life time. I married him with alacrity!!! Hehehe

    • Somebody

      July 22, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      Good for you.

    • Idak

      July 22, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      You did not state if you are a churchgoer or have a personal relationship with the God of the bible born out of personal conviction. That is a world of difference. If it is a church attendance born out of a deep seated personal conviction, it will underpin every action and thought of yours. Even when you make wrong steps as we are bound.to do,it is that conviction that compels and chastises you. For such, I wonder how you will be able to marriage relationship where you’ve such fundamental differences. The core concepts of life and living as so diametrically opposed that it just does not seem feasible.
      I guess it should be same for convicted adherents of any faith.

    • dp

      July 23, 2014 at 12:26 pm

      A whole lot of hypocrites, it is just so annoying and one think i come to realize is that fact that a whole lot of people love that

    • Idak

      July 22, 2014 at 10:08 pm

      In my view,the problem is not about being good people. I know persons of other faith who are so good that I overwhelmed by their goodness. One of them is a Muslim.
      The crux of the matter is about a relationship as bonding as marriage,where the two parties have two completely different views of life,its source,its future direction and its ownership. The only way I can see this working is that one party is not entirely convinced of his or her convictions and both actually agree on core concepts despite the publicly declared labels.

    • Whatshesaid

      July 23, 2014 at 3:28 am

      This is succinct summary of what I believe in and very similar to my situation, though my husband is agnostic and does not subscribe to organized religion but is a spiritual, thoughtful, kind and loving person. I call him the holy grail of husbands Infact, men, the world over.

      I’m very glad I was not stuck on whether he went to church or not else I would have regretted greatly missing out on a life with him, especially now I know what I would have missed.

    • magh

      July 25, 2014 at 6:32 am

      that reminds me.. I’ve always thought to myself what happens to these people who are genuinely good people, have good hearts, try to help people the best way they can BUT do not believe in God ? Do they go to heaven ? Waht happens to these people ?

    • The Hill

      July 28, 2014 at 7:27 pm

      You must not be NIgerian or a very different species of Nigerian…The one that is so rare its an endangered Species. You know the one I mean = Nigerians who speak Sense! The rest are just bigots an d full of shit , especially when marriage, gendre and religion mix. Oh and throw in Virginity to make the chaos complete.

      I will be sharing your comment on my blog! People need to listen to you!

  6. Dlapikin

    July 22, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    I absolutely agree. I have a friend who is knocking 30 and is not even dating because she is looking for a born again whatever that means. She breaks up on what she calls signs of spiritual weakness… Lol

  7. adom

    July 22, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Thank God for His grace…if u r a ‘good’ person and dont have God its nothing ohh..thats why we are saved by grace not our works…and I believe the truth is to be with a believer! Not a mere churchgoer..true not everyone who goes to church is a believer…so what true believers look for first is your faith not just that u met in church..God bless

    • Somebody

      July 22, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      Love your comment.

  8. FranklyChris

    July 22, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    @Me. Lovely man you’ve got. Convince him to see the need for a relationship with God. Believe me, it will make things better; meanwhile, enjoy your marriage.

  9. Ona

    July 22, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    I am an atheist, my boyfriend is a christian. I used to be a christian but denounced right before i met him. When he was pursuing me, i made him very aware of it and he didn’t flinch. He treats me like gold aand is undoubtedly the most amazing man i have ever met, and he says i changed his life in the most unbelievable way. We let each other be. U can miss out on the best man for u when u are busy nit picking nd setting standards according to other people’s principles eg pastors. Sha, to each his own. And yes my BF is Nigerian.

  10. eddie

    July 22, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Reject a man bcos u don’t want him for who n wot he is Never reject a man based on d fact dat he doesn’t go to church! A lot of wolves in sheep clothing.be wise,act smart.

  11. Doxa

    July 22, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    The author has a point which in my opinion, she didn’t communicate accurately. Philippians 3:2 – “Beware of dogs…”, yes there are dogs in the church, always have been, always will be. If you are a christian who likes going to church, it’s good that you find someone with the same values, so that you don’t get distracted. However, beware of dogs, they are everywhere.
    About keeping sisters single for the brothers, well that one happens, but in the end, it’s the sister’s choice whether she wants to stay unmarried or not.
    And there is such a thing as being born-again (I will stop here).

  12. Deen

    July 22, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    This church and burn again issue is causing so much amongst youths , a girl still told me I have to be a born again Christian to be her friend just yesterday , I just told her she is confused and childish

    • Idak

      July 23, 2014 at 9:17 am

      Real burn again issue.

  13. pacesetter808

    July 22, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    It’s about time people free themselves from this illusion of people going to church being good (character-wise). In the short space of time I’ve lived on earth, I’ve come to realize that a good person is a good person, same way a bad person is a bad person irrespective of race, skin color or religion. Being a christian means being Christ-like. What were the things Christ did when he was on earth? He healed the sick, helped the poor, ministered to the weak at heart etc. How many of the so called Christians or believers practice all these today? Only a fraction IMO. My advice to men and ladies is to look beyond religious beliefs or views. Get hitched with someone who truly loves you and respects you for who you are. These qualities are what sustains a marriage, not the persons’ religious views or beliefs.

    • Idak

      July 23, 2014 at 9:35 am

      I respect this view but I do not agree with it. Your faith conviction should underpin every aspect of your life. It is not just an issue of who goes to church and who is good or better. If you and your partner do not agree on such basic core values and beliefs how do you navigate life together? If it is just a difference of doctrinal views,then fine.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      July 23, 2014 at 11:18 pm

      Jesus Christ also went around wholeheartedly preaching for people to repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand. Yes, He did everything you mentioned – healing the sick, helping the poor, ministering to the weak at hear but guess what He kept at? Getting people closer to God.

      I don’t want to fling open the Bible just to bash my point in but I was actually reading Luke 9 today and that chapter really underpins the mission of Christ, I urge you (or anyone else) to read verse 1 all the way or verse 62. We’ve misused the institution of the church so much that we forget it is the Bride of Christ. If we truly were all living in that body as Christ always desired for us to do, everything we need should be found in the church. Just reading about the lives of the early Christians in the book of Acts, and all the letters of Paul & Peter & James clearly show this.

      @Idak, I was going to post this under your first response on this page but was distracted by reading other comments…. It’s at times like this that I truly heart you for saying just what I’m thinking.

  14. Nike

    July 22, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    Bella, i think that some direct quotes from the book and/or the author would have helped to give a bit more objectivity on this post

    • oje

      July 23, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      lmao I didn’t even notice they wrote feminist there but hey if you are an Oloshi who am i to judge you. did you even read what I wrote. I said a real pastor won’t tell you to marry a church goer. And yes she is probably deaf. I am a woman too and I know many women make silly mistakes and want to tie it to what their pastor said. Many pastors won’t tell you this gibberish she is saying and if they do discernment isn’t a gift for Pastor alone, enough said.

  15. yourstrulyblogposts.blogspot.com

    July 22, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    She made a salient point though – The fact a person goes to church doesn’t make him holy. From experience, it is mostly evil people that go to church. I have found the best people outside church!

  16. Uptohere

    July 22, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    the ladies have turned their pastors to their imaginary bf,look around you..they are a lot of them that hang on to every word their pastor says…Its almost as if the next man that comes along must be exactly like their pastor,.. Ladies abi i lie?

  17. Keep calm and eat cake

    July 22, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    I am almost 40 and still I have not found Mr Right. He refuses to show up even though I have spent years on the look out for him. There are so many factors that go into finding the man who is ideal for you – your personality, lifestyle, perspectives, values etc. We all need prayers. I have given up pretty much…

    • larrydavy

      July 23, 2014 at 4:27 am

      I am 23 year old guy (will be 24 this year). Don’t give up. if that’s your desire, seek and you will find. The person God gives you may make up for the seemingly lost years.

      I’m not naive to how challenging it is (I have health issues that can make life challenging), but I believe hope and faith are extremely important.

    • Grow Up

      July 23, 2014 at 10:58 am

      This sunday, a 44year old woman gave testimony of her marriage just two weeks ago

      Keep your hope and faith alive

  18. el patron

    July 23, 2014 at 2:29 am

    Mehn one of the problems oyinbo religion brought with them..

  19. Superfly

    July 23, 2014 at 2:55 am

    @keep calm and eat cake, please never give up.you gonna meet that guy soon.never give up on love.ur age dosent matter sweety.

  20. Modella

    July 23, 2014 at 8:18 am

    If you can’t get married,atleast have a child!

  21. Aderonke

    July 23, 2014 at 8:57 am

    partially true,but better 2 date achurch guy dan an outsider.ur pastor could help correct him where wrong.

    • MC

      July 23, 2014 at 10:31 am

      but why does your pastor need to be correcting anybody?
      It’s your relationship, which includes just two people. why the need for a pastor to be the third?
      (this is a genuine question that I will like answered)

      I find that too many people are holding these (good or bad) pastors in places they do not need to be.
      does your pastor include in his own home/family issues?

    • Idak

      July 23, 2014 at 12:50 pm

      I just tire for the matter.
      As if the pastor consults me when he and his wife quarrel. Or he wants to claim they never quarrel?

  22. efe

    July 23, 2014 at 9:15 am

    All of these is good but we should have Eternity in mind,where there is no end.
    @ Keep calm and eat cake. Never ever give up,Mr.Right is coming your way,just be yourself and enjoy and in marriage God will give you ,your own children and your marriage shall definitely be one you will enjoy.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      July 23, 2014 at 11:26 pm

      You make a good point. As the pastor where I worship says, “Pray that you don’t end up missing heaven simply because of your marriages”. He doesn’t say it to emphasise any rule about marrying inside the church: he says it to underline how much a marriage can slowly draw your focus away from God & how easy it is to concentrate on your spouse or children instead of your salvation.

      [Gosh it’s late. I should be asleep & not reading BN comments….]

  23. chinwe

    July 23, 2014 at 9:19 am

    @keep calm and eat cake, my dear i got married at 38 to one of the best men this world can offer n guess what he is 38 as well because i dint give up, so please gurl never ever give up just do not give chance to guys who think ah ur desperate and so they can mess up with you! just keep your head up, be happy, look good, work hard and serve God and he will surely provide for you. He will give you a man who fears God not just a church goer.

  24. SASSYCASSIE

    July 23, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Going to church does not a GENUINE christian make. Still, a GENUINE christian knows not to forsake the gathering of the brethren. Iron sharpens iron.

  25. Grow Up

    July 23, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Human beings need to grow up and not depend on any other person for survival

    You are responsible for your success or failure in life.

    Thousands of churches out there. Them tie rope for your neck to go to that church? After getting there and saw their doctrine, dem tie you down make you no waka go?

    You cant blame anyone for what happens to you. What were you thinking? are you that gullible? if you have gone to school/university and claim you are learned only to be deceived or brainwashed by someone, dont you think you have the greatest problem?

    If your pastor say no marry for another church and you are 40, all the men in your church never approached you or are married, cant you borrow yourself some small brain? lol

  26. unique uzoma

    July 23, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    I agree with you BIMA and am totally in support of what the writer has said, it is never a guarantee that the church is where you meet good men.

  27. KDK

    July 23, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Verily I say unto you, not all church goers are good. My ex claimed he heard from God directly but he never heard he had a terrible attitude towards his relationship. The spirit-filled brother of today may turn the agbero of tomorrow o, hian!

  28. mii

    July 23, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    uhmmmm, evrybdy wt dre blivs bt nobdy has said anyfin abt d gudies in goin to church or xperiencd tru it, lets nt liv d ril fin which is individual personalti, as in our bhaviour, we all av our flaws so lets nt b too spiritual n frgt d little fins in relationship, nobdy is perfect u shld go fr who u luv n dt luvs God even wit his or her flaws , goin to church does nt guarantee u heaven or good behavior it is one tin to knw d trut its anoda to dwell in it, pastors can say a fin n u can find out in d bible cos dts y we av d bible, I bliv ur suces n failure lies in u, gud n bad pple ar evrywhre church, mosque, traditional rel n its in d bible dt judgment wil strt frm d alter dts bcos God knws dt dre ar wolves amgs d sheeps. pls lets nt blame anybdy or a rel fr our donwnfal cos we ar all flesh dts y we shld alwys pray to God fr hlp. as for dt sista dt is 40 hrd a testimony last wik a 50+ lady dt stopd cin her period saw it suddenly fr 3mth n gt pregnant den gave bth to two preti girls jst last sunday so dnt giv up on God cos he hasn’t, its nt aw far its aw well just kip calm n eat ur cake, I bet u it wil wot waitin for.

  29. mii

    July 23, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    uhmmmm, evrybdy wt dre blivs bt nobdy has said anyfin abt d gudies in goin to church or xperiencd tru it, lets nt liv d ril fin which is individual personalti, as in our bhaviour, we all av our flaws so lets nt b too spiritual n frgt d little fins in relationship, nobdy is perfect u shld go fr who u luv n dt luvs God even wit his or her flaws , goin to church does nt guarantee u heaven or good behavior it is one tin to knw d trut its anoda to dwell in it, pastors can say a fin n u can find out in d bible cos dts y we av d bible, gud n bad pple ar evrywhre church, mosque, traditional rel n its in d bible dt judgment wil strt frm d alter dts bcos God knws dt dre ar wolves amgs d sheeps. pls lets nt blame anybdy or a rel fr our donwnfal cos we ar all flesh dts y we shld alwys pray to God fr hlp. as for dt sista dt is 40 hrd a testimony last wik a 50+ lady dt stopd cin her period saw it suddenly fr 3mth n gt pregnant den gave bth to two preti girls jst last sunday so dnt giv up on God cos he hasn’t, its nt aw far its aw well just kip calm n eat ur cake, I bet u it wil wot waitin for.

    • MC

      July 23, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      question; do you hate the English Language that much!?
      why are you treating it this way!?
      trying to read this just gave me an instant headache.

    • Nky

      July 24, 2014 at 11:39 am

      How difficult is it for you to write correctly?

  30. Isoken. J

    July 23, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    its not by church abeg. A lot of bad guys use church to cover up. i think the main thing is looking for a person that is kind and has a good heart.

  31. omawunmi

    July 24, 2014 at 12:05 am

    I am atheist, my husband is.. lazy. Lol
    He believes in GOD and all but I think he wants a wife to push him to church. Well that’s obviously not me. We have been together 15 years (I met him at 16). The only time in our relationship where we broke up was because of church. I had a stint in a pentecostal church my 2nd year in uni. I was told to break up with him and to destroy all spiritual ties (ties we make through sex) and I did.
    We have been married for 9 years now and some times I think back to how religion would have taken my life in a different path.

    My best friend once told me her brother had been fighting a serious crush on me, because I’m not christian even though I’m a “nice person”(serious Catholic family), Apparently one day it came up while her family was together and her mother said “but she doesn’t go to church” with disgust written all over.
    He got married in March and I called to say congrats and he had the nerve to say this could have been me albeit jokingly. Guy please- I’ve been married 9 years with three kids to a wonderful man, I don’t want your christian ass.

    Meanwhile my best friend just had a baby out of wedlock. Hehehe. I love her and all and don’t care about her circumstances but I can smell her mother’s shame, and the devil in me loves it.

  32. xoxo

    July 24, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    @ Omawunmi All I can say is that that girl should not be your bestfriend.. You can smell her mother’s shame? that is just sad.

  33. Omawunmi

    July 24, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    @xoxo why not? Am I supposed to judge her by her mother’s religious hang ups , or even judge her at all?

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