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Aunty Bella: Miss Trust Issues

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

This comment was posted on BN today, and has only been amended to correct grammar:

***

“Gosh!!! Aunty Bella I think I need help, I’m one of those sad people that believe all men cheat.

Reading this story, I’m just trying to imagine my future hubby coming home from the gym with a rose for me, I’ll probably use it to smack his head cos I’ll be like, “so you’re back from the next babe’s place and you’r giving me rose as compensation” lol.

My mind is screwed wrong… but for real though, how do I overcome this fear? ‘Cos it’s really holding me back from loving.

I’m in a relationship, but I’m there for the money and the good times, as in any time I’m not with my boyfriend I just automatically believe he is with the next babe and I can’t be bothered. Like, is it advisable to enter marriage with this mentality?”

~ Chloe

Photo Credit: Atholpady | Dreamstime.com

42 Comments

  1. Busola Adedire

    Oluwabusola Adedire

    September 17, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    This story is incomplete. What happened to you? Fear has a root.

  2. Thatgidigirl

    September 17, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    To the pure all things are pure, that’s what the bible says. How you see others is a reflection of who you are, and honestly you come across as deceitful. You’re in a relationship for the money and fun times and that’s insincere so you automatically believe every guy is insincere or a cheat. Change yourself first and you would be able to appreciate the good in others, shikena!

  3. winnie

    September 17, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    i dont know whr to start from!!??

  4. D

    September 17, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    I know there are many that believe that all men cheat, I am not a “shrink” but you somehow came to that conclusion at one point in your life, What I mean is lack of trust is learned you were not born believing all men cheat you learned somehow from experience or from someone telling you, that all men cheat. So I will encourage you to learn, that is, make a conscious decision and take steps to start teaching yourself that not all men cheat.
    I am a woman and my father so far after 30+ years of marriage has never cheated on my mum and by God’s grace neither has my husband. I had a conversation recently with my brother who every one is bugging to get married and he told me once a lady gives hints that she has such a belief, he dumps them fast!!! because what’s the point when there is no trust in a relationship then why get married? and he believes if a lady as such a mindset you will cheat yourself.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 17, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      “Lack of trust is learned”. Exactly true because little babies and children start life from a position of complete, unyeilding trust. Then something happens to rob them of that innocence as they grow up.

      People can allow themselves re-learn the artlessness of complete trust but that’s a very personal and conscious decision. As in, only you can make the effort and if the writer (of the comment which gave rise to this Aunt Bella feature) isn’t ready to then all the advise on this page won’t change anything.

    • Jamce

      September 18, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      @MSA, always sensibly and intelligently on point.

    • Nicole

      September 18, 2014 at 7:40 am

      “I am a woman and my father so far after 30+ years of marriage has never cheated on my mum and by God’s grace neither has my husband”

      Lol, I cant stop laughing at how naive and silly you sound. Do you follow your father and husband everywhere? Your mum may have never told you. You probably have not caught your husband yet. You dont know what may happen in the future.
      What does it take to cheat? How long does a quickie last? I would like to think: a few minutes and a hundred pumps (In Wendy Williams’s words). So sweetheart, as long as you are not with your husband and father 24/7…You can’t be so sure………. 7 times out of 10, the men that seem chaste that are the greatest cheaters, because they have mastered the art, and can hide it for decades.

      Claiming that all men cheat is not very diplomatic or politically correct. But the truth is that most men cheat. Unfortunately you cannot pinpoint the men that dont cheat (or just haven’t cheated yet). You can never be so sure (he may be using a different phone for the side chicks which he keeps in his car, office or even with the gate man). Cheaters have come up with innovative ways.

      My advise to the poster is to keep an open mind and follow your heart. Dont deny yourself the luxury of genuinely giving and receiving love. Enjoy your relationship or marriage while it lasts, it could be for the next 10,20,30 or 50 years or until the demise of one partner.

      Providing, he consents to sexual health checks every month, forget about whether or not he cheats. Because you can never be so sure. The worst thing to happen to any human being is to spend their eternity in hell…..not divorce, being lovelorn,being a spinster, or having another woman pregnant for your hubby. Its all vanity at the end of the day.

  5. Busola Adedire

    Oluwabusola Adedire

    September 17, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Just read properly that this was initially a comment. There is not love in fear. I think to best way to deal with fear in relationships is to confront insecurity. Everybody is insecure to a certain extent but you need a lot of confidence to be in a meaningful relationship. Fear takes too much energy… and it drains the other person too.

    • Busola Adedire

      Oluwabusola Adedire

      September 17, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      *no*

  6. Magas, shine your eye

    September 17, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Miss Trust issues, you are in for the money? Yepa!
    Your trust issues no concern me
    I have to write a note to Magas of this world

    A heart felt note to the Magas of this world.

    Maga, oh Maga!
    When i say Maga, you turn back to look at the guy/girl behind you
    You will never know you are one till you come to Bella Naija relationship column
    How my heart feels for you, Oh Maga

    To you, you are being caring and loving,
    Not knowing you are a Maga.

    To you, you are dating and in a serious relationship,
    Probably you have considered taking him/her home,
    after dating for a long while.

    I am sorry to inform you,
    that you are a Maga.
    Miss Trust issues just confirmed it to me
    That you are nothing but a Maga

    Maga don pay, shout halleluyah!

    Wicked, evil, *conscience-less* generation

  7. Jlagranche

    September 17, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Its not good to enter marriage wif that kind of mentality. I hv experienced d same tin,my dear its nt ur fault I bliv its based on past disappointments. But wif time and when u find the right person,he wld help erase all the bad perception u hv abt men.

  8. Ade

    September 17, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Not all men cheat. All the men ‘you like’ cheat. Fear? It comes when there is no love and the state of your mind? Not so good. Please work on your self FAST.

  9. OliviaSilk

    September 17, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    You need to change that mindset. Your thinking needs an overhaul. As much as i know that a lotta men cheat, i believe my Heavenly made husband that God is preparing for me won’t cheat on me. And i would never cheat on him too. You are in for just the money and good times and this your partner might actually be thinking of taking you to Mama, what does that make you?? It doesn’t make you any different from cheats. If you keep living in that world, believe me, that’s all you gonna get.

  10. Berry Dakara

    September 17, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Nope, you may not get married with your current mindset.

    Not all men cheat. And if you’re saying you’re with him just for good times and money, are you any better than him if he’s cheating?

    berrydakara.blogspot.com

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 17, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      She’s already “married” to her current mind-set.

    • slice

      September 17, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      on the contrary, i think girls like this tend to marry fast. they are not too moved by the signs of lying and cheating. they think the next one will do the same any way so they go ahead with this one.

    • Berry Dakara

      September 17, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      Yeah, I’m not saying she won’t get married quickly. Just that she shouldn’t get married like that.

      Although sha, a lot of mummies and aunties who have gone through cheating in their own marriages would probably advise her to GO FOR IT!

    • slice

      September 17, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      i see what you were saying now. you were saying she should not get married with this mindset not that she is not likely to get married if she has this mind set. The “may” there threw me off where you were headed. got it now

    • Berry Dakara

      September 18, 2014 at 9:09 am

      LOL! I see the confusion. Don’t mind me. Sometimes I like talking like a teacher.

  11. larz

    September 17, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Is it advisable to enter marriage with this mentality?
    My dear, I believe you know the answer to this question or you wouldn’t send this message. I also believe the problem lies deeper than being cynical towards men.
    Your choice of words (in particular these) scares me “one of those sad people” “My mind is screwed wrong”. I have met women who have low opinion of men but they also equally have opinion of themselves usually. In your case, you hold a lower opinion of yourself or so it seems if your text is a reflection of how you feel about you. It begs the question about whether you think men cheats because they are cheats or because you don’t believe you are worthy of a faithful/ loyal man.
    Please, baby girl, you are beautifully and wonderfully made and you need to accept that fact and the right species of men will follow you. I know that’s not a guarantee that your man won’t cheat on you but at least you will both walk into the relationship knowing that it is not acceptable. Chances are with this mind set it will be an exception rather than the norm and he will go to great length to keep it from you. If however, you accept that it is inevitable, he will cheat knowing that ultimately you are cool with it.
    In answer to your question? No it is not ok. Because you are basically going into a mentality of marriage is tolerable and not to be enjoyed. It is a life sentence but it doesn’t have to be.
    PS- going forward you need to start saying +ve things about yourselves until you start believing it. You are beautiful, you are happy and joyful, you are sane and healthy and you deserve to be loved unconditionally by one who will become your friend, brother, lover etc.

  12. Cece

    September 17, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    No it’s not advisable to enter a marriage with your mentality.
    This obviously stems from something that has happened in the past.

    The whole story is needed to make a better assessment. You’re using your current guy, but you’re worried about being cheated in future. You are cheating him at present.

  13. Ephi

    September 17, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Thatgidigirl has said it all, nothing else to add, lol.
    Dear poster, change begins with you / your mindset / your values.

  14. Tee

    September 17, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    Truth? Most men, not all, cheat. Should you realize this? Yes. But don’t let this consume you and take away the beautiful iridescent perspective to life that love often gives to the lover. Take off your rose coloured glasses but don’t become colour blind in the process is what I mean.

    Try and build trust in your relationship and make sure that your partner understands that it might not necessarily be insecurities created by him but rather, society. The fact that you care to worry about this shows that you honestly believe that there is hope for you to live in a world where your prince charming truly does not screw at least 7 skank-ho dwarves and is yours and yours alone. This is a good first step in building trust–identifying that a problem exists.

    Most women are not married, they are managing because society is accepting of male promiscuity–well, not openly accepting but most women would call a woman that divorces a man for cheating “stupid” because after all “he doesn’t beat you right?”.

    As Philip Larkin once quite rightly put it “They f**k you up, your mum and dad”. We have full grown men that honestly–no joke–honestly believe that it is okay for a man to cheat because…guess what? He is a man. Even worse, some believe that you’re not a man until you control multiple women.

    If this isn’t bare testament of daddy issues, then I don’t know what it is because even the Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 “teach a child the way he should go and he will not depart from it”. Most men have their first exposure to promiscuity from either a friend (who’s dad cheats) or his own dad (whose dad cheated). It’s a vicious cycle and it can only begin to end with you.

    So, this lady isn’t crazy and there is nothing wrong with her either. Unlike most married women that only pretend to trust their philandering husbands, she actually wants to be able to truly trust him and that my friends is honourable.

    And my dear, a relationship entered into because of superficial things soon fades away into the abyss of frustration. Love is not enough but it surely conquers all–you can never conquer all the tragedies of life with a man you do not truly love.

    Plus beautiful people, let’s be safe with our lives, life no get duplicate o, always stay strap. AIDS is real.

  15. Barbie

    September 17, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    My dear Chloe, I am with you on the aspect that all men cheat. I am in a relationship that is heading to marriage and the funniest thing is that I know how having trust issues can affect the relationship (cos my bobo used to be a doubting thomas but now we have been able to deal with it with the help of tough corrective quarrels).However, to prevent myself from loosing it all and walking out of my marriage in future or would I say bringing out the devil out of the calm peacful me, I have made up my mind to never trust any man including my bobo i intend to marry. Although he seems to be the faithful,focused type.I am sorry I cannot help it and obviously I would not tell him, but I am an preacher of preparing one’s mind for worse times to avoid deadly illneses like stroke. Hence I have said I would never ever totally trust any man.Sorry Bobo for this but I cant help it and I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you come 2014 ending.

  16. hi

    September 17, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    Well,well, well.

    Some men do not want to cheat. They need power to do that.

    Just like you need power to live, power from food.

    Very few men in the history of the planet can/could have done this on their own, I believe.

    For some, it is due to a lack of opportunity.

    Mind you cheating can also be mental and emotional.

    Anyway, I encourage you (if you are not already) to be a diligent christian cos then you go deep into GOD.

    That means you become schooled and understand human beings, gender and marriage from GOD’s perspective, THE BEST THAT WILL EVER EXIST.

    Read books about self esteem, etc. Seek knowledge about marriages and men and use all that knowledge to your advantage.

    It would take time. Remember you are not just buying groceries but VITAL knowledge.

    LAST BULLET: I don’t know about other religions or mindsets o be it Islam, Buddhism, Scientology, Ifa, Osun …

    But what I know is that GOD MUST CHOOSE FOR YOU AS A CHRISTIAN WOMAN IN ORDER FOR THE MARRIAGE TO LAST, REALIS EITS FULL POTENTIAL, FOR YOU BOTH TO MAKE HEAVEN, BE ASSURED OF 100% PROTECTION, JOY AND help. Yes HELP 24/7.

    all the best, my fellow lady

  17. hi

    September 17, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    I mean

    * men need power to be pure

  18. hi

    September 17, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    * I mean for most men that do not cheat, it could be a lack of opportunity.

  19. Suhaib Mohammed

    September 17, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    You’re just insecure. Check yourself!

  20. AVID BLOG READER

    September 17, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    You are in for the money…hmmm so you to cannot be trusted abi? Anyway I am of the believe that no one should trust another human being 100%.

  21. Idoreyen

    September 17, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Bella please post my comment…This is a legitimate fact I observed this morning…I need advice. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and Ive been suspecting for a while that he’s seeing another girl on the side. Long story short, he has some pics of her on his phone and I even know her name (Through my own investigation). I chose to trust him when he said she “likes him” but they are just friends. Fast forward two months n I notice hes very secretive with his phone n deletes all his bbm chats…call history etc. So last week while he slept I changed his settings to “save bbm history”. The he forgot his phone on the way to the gym this morning n I clicked on her name and the msgs he deleted between them all showed up. My fears were confirmed…He is cheating. He was saying he missed giving her oral sex etc n my heart is literally broken. I dont know what to do. Please help me. She lives in Lagos just like him n I live elsewhere….Only God knows how betrayed and angry I feel.

    • Miss Anonymous

      September 18, 2014 at 11:14 am

      Hello Idoreyen, I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this. Don’t get emotional (don’t go losing your temper, shouting or crying). Just basically ask him what is going on and what she is giving him that you aren’t. Also you need to know if the relationship is worth salvaging.
      All the best!

    • Chu

      September 18, 2014 at 12:07 pm

      Darling, you need to feel absolute peace when you want to marry a man. That is even more important than all the butterflies you might feel. That is the sign that God has blessed the union. In my opinion you are still young and there is no need to worry about who to marry yet. As long a s you keep seeking God’s face He will make all things beautiful in its time.

    • Chu

      September 18, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      Sorry the earlier response for meant for @hello that is being forced by her family to settle down at 22.
      @Idoreyen please leave this guy, he will continue cheating on you. Not all men cheat, I believe with every fiber of being that my husband will not cheat on me, not just because he is a child of God but because I consciously work against it and I have a pact with God. I trust God in my husband and not necessarily my husband in himself.

  22. PACE

    September 17, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    I believe there’s a man out there for every woman, same as there’s a woman out there for every man. However, there’s a tendency for people to be in wrong relationships for reasons other than love. It’s in such instances that we have problems like one of the partners cheating, insecurity issues and other vices. I have this friend who used to be a serial cheat until he met his present girl to whom he proposed last month and will be getting married to within the next few months. This girl is an epitome of beauty and has a very good character, very loving and caring. They met at a mutual friends’ get-together about 2 years back, got talking, exchanged numbers and somewhere along the line got into a relationship. Much to my surprise, my friend who’s usually out every weekend reduced his social outings to the barest minimum within a few months. Most of his outings till date are centered around his girlfriend, it’s either he’s taking her for dinner or going out with her for one occasion or the other. We got talking a few weeks ago and I commended him for making such a tremendous effort to change. He was quick to correct me that the change was effortless because he had found the right person for him and emphasized his doubt that he could get anyone better than his girl even if he tried. You can take charge of your self and you have infinite control of your actions. There’s a limit to how much control you can wield on the next person. Rather than wishing for a Mr/Mrs Perfect, work towards being the best you can possibly be. It won’t be long till the Mr/Mrs Perfect will come your way.

    • newbie

      September 19, 2014 at 11:04 am

      Mehn sorry, I had to triple-love this your response. It endeth the matter!

    • Diuto

      November 25, 2014 at 5:27 am

      Sorry to sound pessimistic but I believe your friend would still cheat once they are married. I believe he’ll look for new tasks ( ladies to sleep with ) to conquer

  23. Adewunmi Emmanuel

    September 17, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Please ,try to be positive .You don’t worth to be the only woman of a man except you change your negative perception. You are the one that is unfaithful. Why are you in a relationship for money?.#shame# Love and Trust is like a dancer and a drummer.When a dancer is dancing without a drum sound,then the dancer is crazy.When you love without trust ,you are in danger.

  24. Iyke

    September 17, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Crazy mentality..Really Crazy…..Damn, what is up with this whole crybaby ‘cheating’ and trust issue thing lately? You want to own man/lady? News flash precious one – Lincoln freed the slaves a long time ago.
    You want someone not to cheat on you and love you?Try being lovable and not an ownership bully. You are EVEN in a relationship for money and the good times. That could also be defined as cheating you know…..but cool, at least you defined what’s up.
    Let me tell you SWEETHEART, if you’re relying on a relationship/marriage to get you through, you’re lazy.
    You don’t own nobody. It is his/her rights If he/she wants something besides you.You want devotion and not to be cheated on? You have to EARN that, not demand it period!
    Grow up! Nobody owes you. People change, grow, stagnate, whatever. For the sake of Jesus, Keep up. Don’t stagnate. Make someone WANT to be with you. Nobody wants to be obligated to ‘love’ you.
    Now that I have finished venting, my suggestion, should you decide to accept it, is that, if indeed you are struggling with infidelity and trust issues, it is very important that you get help ….therapy, whatever…. have a discussion with your le boo or whatever name you call him/her on what constitutes cheating to you and define your boundaries. You MUST know that “Once a cheater, always a cheater” does not have to ring true for you.

  25. hello

    September 17, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    This is my story!! All my family members want me to marry the available even doe I cant stand when he touches my hand. They say he is a good man. And that I am too young to see this. Im 22 yet they feel if I dont hold on to mr GOLD I wont find another and be able to marry in the next two/three years. Me I have tire o. I have cried prayed fasted. Everything. I dont know what to do. Its not like they are forcing me but they are scaring me. They make it seem like If I dont marry this one I would end up alone. Im not even scared of being alone but they make it seem like u may think being alone is nice at 22 and u may be forming miss independent but u wont like it at 37. And then it will be too late. The good men will be taken and u’ll have to settle for scraps. Another issue of mine is that I havent even met any other guy that I can say I like (Come to think of it i dont even know if i know what it means to like a guy again). So im beginning to believe them. Somebody help me biko

    I should add that marrying someone I dont love scares me. I dont think i can do it. I dont even think it will make me a good wife. And God knows i have dreamt of how wonderful a wife i can and will be. People say i am wife material cause I love to take care of those around me. Old young whatevr. I want to be happy in my marriage Thats why I pray to God to let me love this man. He is a good man. Not attractive but I have never been the type to go after attractive guys. The last two guys I liked were very intelligent. One was short and fat. The other was tall and skinny. They gave intelligent conversations. Hes also intelligent but our convos arent 100%

    auntybella pls help me post this. I really need to hear peoples opinions.

    • Chu

      September 18, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      Darling, you need to feel absolute peace when you want to marry a man. That is even more important than all the butterflies you might feel. That is the sign that God has blessed the union. In my opinion you are still young and there is no need to worry about who to marry yet. As long a s you keep seeking God’s face He will make all things beautiful in its time.

  26. nyinyes

    September 18, 2014 at 4:20 am

    I used to think this way, cos of what I experienced but now I rily know better, cos I met a guy who has nw been faithful, nw I knw a lot of guys cheat, but not all! As humans we may have doubts here n there. But girl u got to live ur life n settle down, n get rid of that mentality.

  27. Vocalcords

    September 18, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Thoughts become things…Reformat your thought process and everything will align. You also attract what you think so you clearly have some work to do dear.

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