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Chiugo Akaolisa: Love is Not An Idea

Chiugo Akaolisa

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Imagine that you meet the man/woman of your dreams right now who is everything the doctor and prophets ordered. Every single criteria you have ever imagine is presumably present and you form a love connection. Physical attributes- Check. Heart of gold-check. Intellectually sound- check. Financial stability- check. Next step is to meet Mama. Why not?

The operative word in the story above is “presumably”. After months or years of dating you realize that your moon and your stars is not exactly what you thought him/her to be. Here are some potential problems you realize that have given you a rethink:

  • For starters, he/she does not share your religion and is not remotely interested in converting.
  • He doesn’t make as much as you imagined. Not enough to buy that house in Banana Island.
  • He/she is from a broken home which means the tendency to run is present.
  • She cannot cook. *pause for dramatic reaction*
  • He is too close to his mother
  • Her troublesome mother is still alive- Mother-in-law wahala
  • Her family is not as rich as yours so you may need to contribute to her family’s welfare
  • He/she is the only child of many years. Bareness alert!
  • He/she is not willing to change his/her dress sense to suit yours.
  • How dare your partner not even support your political party?
  • He/she moved locations (Island, Mainland, Out-of-country)- Long-distance relationship
  • Relocating to your choice environment is out of the question for him

I am sure you guys can come up with a lot more limiting criteria.

The first question I want to ask is this: When did love become an idea? You were willing to move the earth for this person until you found that that your perfect picture has a smudge. Simply because the person does not fit into the idea or impression you have created in your head, shouldn’t make your feelings towards the person change. Basing your emotional attachments on abstracts that have been created in your head makes it hard for prospects to measure up. Don’t complain when you find yourself dating the same kind of people who always leaves you less than you started.

The other question is: When did you become God? How are you able to predict all these potential, imagined threats as impending doom? Have you become so certain that your partner cannot make enough to buy your dream home in the future or she cannot learn to cook for you? As long as the person is willing to compromise for you, you should be able to bend your stringent list to accommodate them.

Love is not an idea! It is a feeling and it does not come with criteria and checklists. I’m not saying that there aren’t some real deal breakers, but you have to be certain that what you are running away from poses real problems in the future not ego problems.

Get out of your head and into your heart

Goodluck!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Sam74100 

Chiugo Veronica Akaolisa is a graduate from the University of Alberta, Canada. She is a God-lover and a recluse. Her every spare time is spent writing and developing her business. She is an entrepreneur and a budding novelist. Her true passion is Poetry and Relationship Tips. She has a minor in Psychology.Twitter: Verachi | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cakaolisa | Instagram: missverachi |

42 Comments

  1. iyke

    January 19, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    Yes Love is not an IDEA! Love is just a word until someone special gives it a meaning!

    • Surely

      January 19, 2015 at 8:43 pm

      I really wonder what the point of saying “SHE” cannot cook is…. I’m tired of you people. I wonder what god or devil inscribed in your brain that women should be the ones cooking

    • Ikido

      January 19, 2015 at 11:23 pm

      Well if “SHE” cannot/dont cook, i guess you will only be good for one other thing.(And i dont mean your conversational/yapping skills).
      Now i wonder who inscribed that into my mind, hmmmmmmmmmmm……..

    • EllesarisEllendil

      January 20, 2015 at 5:48 am

      I can cook and my girlfriend and I swap on days we don’t eat out. But imagine if she could not cook at all??? Haba Nah!!!. P.S A good number of men can cook or learn(Its not that hard). But a woman that cannot cook at all is taboo!!!! If you want your partner to help, just ask.

  2. frankteacher

    January 19, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    Cc: Atoke; Bellanaija
    na wetin, warizit?
    all this Love talk today…

    • D

      January 19, 2015 at 6:44 pm

      My thoughts exactly but I shall go ahead and comment . I guess Valentine is the next big gifting “holiday” so it is love season so get on the love boat.

    • rachy

      January 19, 2015 at 6:48 pm

      loooool valentines day is fast approaching setting the mood na

  3. tutu

    January 19, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    Love is not a feeling either, its a verb, an action word, a decision. You decide to love someone regardless of trials and tribulations. Feelings are fleeting. e.g I don’t feel like going to work so, I won’t…You’d drink garri and kuli kuli wella. hope you get my point.

  4. ada

    January 19, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Is she married? if she isn’t then hush child!

    • Mary

      January 19, 2015 at 8:27 pm

      One does not have to be married before they use their common sense . Now you keep quiet!

    • Gee

      January 20, 2015 at 12:14 am

      And the award goes to the most ridiculous comment of all time “Is she married? if she isn’t then hush child!”

  5. Anonymous

    January 19, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Relationship is work,hard work. Love on the other hand is a gift,not a prize,which makes it unconditional. Love lost its true essence and meaning eons ago especially as we live in a fast paced world where materialism,fame is all the buzz. Asking for love in its truest and purest form these days will be asking to look for a pin in a haystack. The love of many has indeed “waxed cold” as people get more engrossed in themselves with the “me/I” attitude.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      January 19, 2015 at 9:43 pm

      I’m sorry but unconditional love is the one only God has for us. No human being on earth is capable of unconditional love. In fact keep that sort of love for yourself. I don’t want any of it.

    • Hugo

      January 20, 2015 at 9:10 am

      Me too!!!

    • Fashionista

      January 20, 2015 at 9:16 am

      Haha! I hear you on that one. I share the same sentiment. NO HUMAN BEING can give unconditional love! Even mothers who are the closest to be able to give such, cant! Some may come close, other fail woefully. Ever heard of honour killings in India, Pakistan and the rest. How a parent will kill their own child because he or she “disgraced” the family by marrying outside of their religion or ethnicity OR having a child outside wedlock is beyond me, but I digress! Human beings will be exactly just that – HUMAN. We just have to make a short (emphasis on short) list of those who are worth it, so that we they hurt us, we can be prepared to forgive them.

  6. HAWTTALKWITHTOSAN

    January 19, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    Love is a feeling…but loving is a decision.

  7. Cinnamon

    January 19, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    my bf has horrible dress sense, bad hygiene, makes barely any money… The list goes on. I love him but I’m thinking all those are enough to call it quits. Am I being unreasonable?

    • deeza

      January 19, 2015 at 7:04 pm

      Yes u are my dear, these unfavourable qualities will irritate u much later if u marry him, u’ll begin to despise him, trust me.. ur kind of man is still out there.

    • deeza

      January 19, 2015 at 7:05 pm

      Oops..no u aren’t being unreasonable

    • D Main Man

      January 19, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Well well but @deeza, horrible dress sense, bad hygiene, makes barely any money, are these not things that could change with time?. [email protected], Horrible dress sense-teach Him, Bad Hygiene-tell him, Makes barely no cash- that doesn’t amount to laziness Biko, help him search for better jobs. @deeza. Even when she said she still loves him,

    • Mary

      January 19, 2015 at 8:32 pm

      Horrible dress sense; walking clown+ bad hygiene ; human pig +barely no money; partial liability . Ehya! Accept My condolence eh.

    • beeee

      January 19, 2015 at 9:55 pm

      dress sense, bad hygiene- very easy to change, just invest your time and energy in doing that. My bf wore dark-colored old navy t-shirts, hardly got a clean shave and horrible sneakers but when you see him today, he’s all that, wearing nice brooks brothers shirts, vivienne westwood shoes etc. my dear, I had to invest in him for him to look good and hes very proud of himself today. For the money part, nobody can predict tomorrow, stay hustling, praying and God will perfect the love in your relationship.

    • Mabel

      January 20, 2015 at 5:40 am

      I cannot handle someone with poor hygiene. So he smells and he is broke and you still trying to make it work. Girl, you are a better woman than me.

    • oj

      January 20, 2015 at 9:31 am

      how did he become ur bf in the first place? what attracted u to him? do tell pls.

  8. D

    January 19, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    Love is a feeling…ha ha ha if na feeling then men the way even those that are happily married will be in and out of love will be epic!!! Like Atoke said this morning. Love is a choice, it is those that mistake it for a feeling that get married today and once isshhh hit the roof then they are ready to walk away. Now I am not against divorce, infact, people that know me know that I have been known to push for it in many instances. But feelings go and come, sometimes it can be there but sometimes it is gone so thinking love is just a feeling is recipe for many of the problems that plagues relationships today. You choose to love.

  9. nwa nna

    January 19, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Love is an act, you can proclaim & profess your love from here to Jericho but without acting out your love you’re being delusional.
    The love that we know is what we’ve been fed on TV & books, this isn’t realistic in my opinion & this unfortunately is the issue we’re facing as a society in our understanding/ expectations of love.

  10. Thot

    January 19, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    Easy to judge……what you cannot tolerate in the evening, do not tolerate in the morning. To thyself be true but not unreasonable…….love is meant to be unconditional but within practical reason. Compromising ones values or making dangerous future decisions and calling it love is foolishness. Yes loving is a decision but Love should not hurt……

  11. Oreke!

    January 19, 2015 at 9:40 pm

    I disagree with you on this one, love is not a feeling but a choice and a decision and we should be careful to be practical when dealing with matters of the heart so I think staying in your head is better. One has to be analytical not sentimental when dealing with issues that affect life.

  12. miss p

    January 19, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    All this dating things..well…Afta several years of dating different people and making plenty emotionally motivated mistakes, i”ve realised that marriage is Gods idea and you cannot really make it in dating/ marriage without his help. Since I stated walking and praying in that direction, my “unready to get married” but perfect boyfriend proposed and we are getting married in June. Trust God and rely not on ur own understanding.

  13. ivy brown

    January 19, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    only God is capable of unconditional love. dats d sad truth. morova wht u call smudges, wld lead to dents n dents wld lead to tears, n d inevitable still happens.

    opustjkwrites.blogspot.com

    • Mabel

      January 20, 2015 at 5:54 am

      Every romantic love comes with conditions. Folks are deluding themselves to think that love is without conditions, but romantic love is one that comes with the most conditions. The purest love humanly possible is perhaps the love between a mother and child, this is the closest we get to unconditional love.

  14. Pat

    January 20, 2015 at 12:44 am

    Like someone said above love is a verb. It has less to do with fairytale or happy ever after. Life happens sometimes and we don’t have control over it. For example there was a couple who had just gotten married and they really cared for each other. Unfortunately the wife had an accident and couldn’t do things by herself any more including using the bathroom. After 8 months the husband left and later married someone else. I learned from that situation that if you don’t see yourself going through hardship with a spouse/fiancé/ Fiancee then marriage should be a no go area. It is not for everyone. Just like everyone can’t be in a particular profession or pastoral service. We have different purpose in life. Also not every woman is suppose to bear and raise children this might come as a surprise to some people.

  15. Chris

    January 20, 2015 at 1:18 am

    @Chiugo you preach about love all the time but you don’t apply what you preach into yours. Please practice what you preach before you dish out your lectures, you can’t give advice on what you can’t give.

    • Hugo

      January 20, 2015 at 9:17 am

      Hmmm, Seems someone knows something we don’t…..

    • oj

      January 20, 2015 at 9:34 am

      this message seems personal. do tell.. *sipping to tea and waiting for part two*

  16. heyhey

    January 20, 2015 at 9:05 am

    no one told me barrenness was hereditary

  17. Mr. Oreo

    January 20, 2015 at 9:46 am

    @ cinnamon, i guess u r one of those women who always complain no mata what. For God’s sake where u forced to date him? U probably think u deserve a trophy for dating him abi? U probably need to hv ur head examined… Later on, u will run to Mrs Bella and say he boke ur heart.. Silly Gal!

    • Ada Nnewi

      January 20, 2015 at 11:32 am

      Mtr Oreo, you sound like one of those bitter men with little or nothing going for them that take out their frustrations of women..

  18. Frances Okoro

    January 20, 2015 at 10:22 am

    I totally agree with this..love isn’t an idea and maybe..just maybe all the castles we build in our head are not really realistic.
    Real life always hits us soon enough..

    And this..
    “Love is not an idea! It is a feeling…”
    I beg to disagree with that.
    Love isn’t a feeling. Feelings maybe involved but it’s not all feelings.
    Feelings are fickle and change at any time they want to.
    Love is a decision, a commitment to love and show forth all it means to love that person whether we feel like or not.
    A commitment not to go with what we feel but with how we should love our partners indeed.

    imperfectlyperfectlives.com

  19. Mr. Jey

    January 20, 2015 at 11:07 am

    Why’s it that when you got to Money/Cooking you only said He and She respectively not He/She??? I can’t understand!

    Seriously aside, your ABOUT sounds like you’re seriously searching…! “My bad!” LOL

  20. Ada Nnewi

    January 20, 2015 at 11:33 am

    *Mr

  21. Louda

    January 20, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Hmmm from my own experience so far, love is a decision. A certain guy I fell in love with in 2012 made me realise that love is not all there is. If you marry someone just because he gives you butterflies in the stomach and overlook your own interest, then you will wake up one day to discover that love in real life is not same as we see it on telemundo. I loved this guy for reasons I dont know. The way we met seemed so spectacular that I was convinced that God has finally given me mine and he was straight to the point that he wanted to settle down which I wanted too. With all the mushy feelings, the relationship didnt last long because all of a sudden loverboy wouldnt talk to me because I refused to have sex with him. He was disappointed in me when he found out I was still a virgin. I got over the rejection and tried to remain on talking terms with him. We remained platonic friends. Fastforward to 2015, he shows up in my town ( I moved to another town) to say he is sure I am the woman for him and wants us to settle down for real. Not minding all he did in d past, I still asked him to give me more time to pray cos I have someone already. I asked my self some questions, I found out that though I love this guy, I will not stay with him. E.g. I now live in another town where I make good money and he wants me to go back to Lagos, sacrifice my good job n my business just to be with him. Meanwhile I am not sure he will not turn his back on me again for a flimsy excuse. I weighed the pros and cons and found out that though I love him more than my current guy, my current guy gives me more peace, loves me and feels like he has won a trophy to have me in his life while lover boy feels i should be grateful that he is chasing me because he is very handsome n girls are dying for him. Imagine querrying me for not calling him or picking his calls on time! duh! So in my own conclusion love is not enough. If I dont get what I want in a relationship no settling. Nothing but the best.

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