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Moses Obroku: 9 Assumptions People Go Into Marriage With

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Let me state right away that I am NOT a marriage counselor, a relationships expert, certified life coach or any other fancifully so called individual along those lines. The highlights I intend to make on this subject are predicated on the ‘experiences by observation’ of all the marriages around me all my life, countless marriage dispute resolutions I have been dragged into because they involved loved ones and what being married for a few years now has taught me.

Now that we have that out of the way, let us examine the following assumptions people usually have regarding marriage or go into it with-

Happily, every day after
I like to shout ‘amen’ to this wish because that is what it truly is. So you think you and your spouse will experience endless happy days, no bitter moments, and no disputes, really? Better wake up! The honeymoon is over. There are jobs to attend, children that will come in the marriage to deal with, illness, bad moods, environmental issues, finances and the list is endless that may affect the desired every moment happiness. Except we create margins for these variables and develop strategies to cope with them, wonderland experience isn’t forever.

Marriage prevents sexual immorality
In what world? Whatever makes people imagine that individuals who have no discretion in their sexual values before marriage would suddenly grow those values overnight? Or that those who have never had multiple relationships would not do so just because they now wear a ring proclaiming they have been hooked? News flash! There are sexual predators that specialize on going after married people only.
Marry mainly to bear children
If this is the strongest reason for wanting to get married, you may want to have a re-think. We all go into marriage with the assumption that we will bear children when we want to and in our desired sex distribution. Then life happens, and we realize that those matters are much deeper and more mysterious than the intimacy and that we have very little control of our ability to procreate in a marriage. Sad to say, I have seen couples tear each other and their marriages apart in accusations and counter accusations due to the childlessness of the moment.

Issues would be resolved when we get to the bridge
It’s a lie! Please resolve every single issue you can imagine before getting married. You read that well, I mean resolve all you can right now, so you will know if there should be a marriage at all with that individual. Talk about all of them and reach some understanding about sex, likely frequency of intimacy, sexual compatibility, finances, household chores, relationship with in-laws, belief in God, career advancement, location of the home, educational pursuit, vacations, conflict resolution strategies in the home, family bank account, how to discipline the kids, relocation of the family if the need arises, disclosures of all kinds and frankly, the list is inexhaustible.

If you fail to resolve the issues before commencing the marriage journey, when you do get to ‘that bridge’, you will find the bridge was never constructed and now you have to swim treacherous waters. Couples must ask those tough questions at some point. They can choose to ask them before the marriage (which would save a lot of heartache), during the marriage (and hopefully salvage it) or after the marriage during a ‘what went wrong’ analysis of it.

The love will grow in the marriage
This was how our parents used to get married. The elders would tell them, love isn’t important right away. It will come with time. Yeah right! It will never come I assure you. If you don’t love someone today, you are not likely to love him/her forever. Those who make the mistake of loving people’s status, wealth, looks, dress sense, mannerisms, intelligence and indeed all other things that can change in a moment soon find out that love for the individual in question is more critical than any other factor. In my opinion, when everything else fails, it is the initial love that will stand the test of time and keep the marriage alive.

My partner will complete me
I find this assumption hilarious as each person is coming into the marriage expecting so much from the other that everyone forgot they needed to come complete and not half baked. True, we should complement each other in the marriage; but when couples start a marriage with an entitlement mentality that the other person is supposed to complete you…we have a fresh recipe for disaster. It would be better for couples to come into the marriage with solid mental/emotional balance so that there would be less room for unnecessary expectations. Everyone should work on his/her emotional intelligence and increase their level of sensitivity so that even when you do not have the solutions to a spouse’s issues, it could be seen that concern is shown about it.

Married people have endless sexual relations
Really? Hmm, please don’t find out too late about stress that can affect the sex in the marriage, disagreement that make couples not want to even be in the same room let alone share intimacy as well as health concerns like pregnancy period and immediately after delivery. Not forgetting people settling into the marriage and taking each other for granted; others using sex as a tool for punishment, negotiation and deprivation; or one person just losing the sex drive altogether for no plausible reason other than the psychological.
If people do not prepare for these possibilities, they may grapple with them when confronted with the harsh realities.

Companionship
If you intend to get married for this reason alone, you may want to consider getting a bigger better performing television set instead. That gadget is somewhat a more desirable companion sometimes than any human. You see, your TV wont judge, or misunderstand you sometimes. The greatest tragedy in life is to be lonely in the company of someone you are married or hope to get married to. The toxic company of a spouse is actually the only thing worse than being single.

Love is all we need
Get it right. Love is not ENOUGH! Na love you go chop? Haba! Many people make this mistake. Now I am not saying that people should set unrealistic margins like ‘my partner should be making this much money or so’. But it’s also a disaster to marry without giving due importance to finance. In the end, it is mostly about the rent, fees, levies, expectations, and the other things about the good life that money can acquire. Some people say money can’t buy you happiness. But neither can poverty. The way I see it, it is much easier for people to love, respect and be at peace with one another where everyone’s needs are met, than when people are hungry, homeless and things are rough all over.

Generally, it is these kinds of assumptions that result in the increasing divorce rate among young couples all around. I particularly like the part when couples dance during weddings. They look so happy, everything is sweet. Fast forward a few years together and the same people are not able to have decent conversation, are inflicting grievous bodily harm or even killing each other. Hello? Does anyone still think marriages are fairy-tale, Alice in wonderland experiences? Just to be clear, when marriages are started, you will either be giving or receiving a wedding ring, suffering or torturing. Frankly, individuals have to decide which kind of ring they want.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang

Aside from being a lawyer, migration management expert, security personnel and fitness buff; there are many other sides to me. I am also a self -proclaimed foodie (and oh yes, to complement that, I can cook!). Of course, writing is my passion and I have a mission to inspire my world, one person at a time. I can be reached on [email protected] Instagram: @mosesobroku

31 Comments

  1. papermoon

    April 1, 2015 at 11:11 am

    The love doesn’t grow, really? The commonest statement I heard about marriage is that “LOVE COMES WITH TIME”, hhhmmm

  2. MAry

    April 1, 2015 at 11:22 am

    Very Apt.
    Too many people these days getting married for all the wrong reason, and then crying everyday or looking for ways to end it.
    Look before you leap no be joke

  3. Speak Out

    April 1, 2015 at 11:40 am

    You’ve correctly stated that you are not a marriage counselor. So, you should not reach conclusions or provide observations that may well not apply to everyone. I am not sure this article will help any intending couple. Each couple will eventually find a way to deal with any of the “assumptions” raised above without necessarily “resulting in the increasing divorce rate among young couples all around”.

    Me thinks articles like this are way too presumptuous.

  4. mariam

    April 1, 2015 at 11:41 am

    really, i ve heard the ‘love comes with time’ statement. truly, this is an eye opener. For me, i would say love and other things before marriage, the rate at which people divorce these days is alarming! both young and old couples. we need to get it right in the first place, no magic wand to wave in the air in marriage. its either black or white.God help us.

    • nonamespls

      April 1, 2015 at 1:34 pm

      i still believe love grows with time, emphasis on grows which means there was something there to begin with.

  5. Mbaks

    April 1, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    So what should we look out for??? I believe ppl have different motives for getting married. It pays to look out for someone whose motive rhymes with yours. If I decide to get married today its because I found a “companion”. So whether child come or e no come o, or whte’er challenges we may face, we wouldn’t give ourselves too much high bp.

  6. Ce Ce

    April 1, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    Everything he has said up there I gree with, my mother always told me these things. She said Marriage i hard work let noone fool you, you can have love but if you do not have trust, honesty and comunication between you two it becomes nothing. Always, check their sexual health and health in general, know their blood type and what their family is about.
    My father said when the guy asks my hand in arriage he will just ask him “Do you understand each other and hat thi marriage involves?”, if he says “yes”, then my dad will tell him and me “Never involve me, parents or anyone else in your marriage, because you opened your eyes and picked each other, so do not come crying when times are rough.”
    One thing I realised for myself is this; can I turn over in 60 years later of marriage and still want to be with this person, it gives you time to think, before you say yes, becaue people change even you and One thing I will say to men and women do not go in to a relationship to fix someone only he/she can fix themselves if they want to. So always ask yourself can I deal with their faults right now.

  7. Aye

    April 1, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    I learnt from this. Thank you.

  8. Abby

    April 1, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    I agree with you on all the 9 points especially the lots of sex ,love is all we need,stop gap to infidelity and the happily ever after misconception.Its a lot of hard work that most people do not want to undertake…
    Most marriages are breaking apart because people went into it with all these fanciful notions forgetting the hard work part and expected it to work..
    And to those bashing him for not being an expert but having an opinion,please remember Jesus Christ or the apostle Paul were never married but gave the best advice concerning marriage.
    As i always say:i dont need to have an accident to know that being involved in an accident is painful and traumatic..

  9. ggal

    April 1, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    very well said… all valid points i totally agree esp on the issue of finances. thank you for giving me more topics to speak on its not how fast but how well in this time when people are marrying as if its like going to school without due diligence. very nice article indeed!

  10. Obiorah

    April 1, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Great insightful article! I think the parts that really hit me were: marriage prevents sexual immorality, loves grows in the marriage and issues will resolve themselves after marriage. Marriage is not easy, in fact it’s a little scary. But I think with right person, everything (both good and bad) become worth it. I need to pray more for God to open my eyes to the right spouse.

  11. gh_Mikie

    April 1, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Nigeria! I have never seen a culture so obsessed with marriage! As if its the be all end all…

  12. C'est moi

    April 1, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    One thing I rarely see Nigerians do is marry purely for the sake of love & commitment to each other. For instance, my bf has been married for 8yrs & still no immediate plans to start a family, her parents were married for 11yrs before they decided to have kids (not fertility related) & a few other couples I know who are married mainly to be with the person & see kids as a nice but not necessary or compulsory addition. I’m sure this is unheard of in Nigeria where marriage is primarily about status and breeding with ‘love’ just being the facilitating adjoiner.

  13. Dr. N

    April 1, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Marriage is HARDWORK Meeeeen!

    • tope

      April 1, 2015 at 2:27 pm

      But if you had it another way, would you still have gotten married.? I bet you would. People need to talk about both positives and negatives. Not just the hard part. Cause you chose and will still continue to choose it.
      I thought old people married for companionship amongst other things. Aspects of every point explored in this article is important in marriage. needed in marriage. Why should people marry for then? People seem to forget we are relational beings. We marry to fulfil our needs.

    • Amina

      April 1, 2015 at 2:42 pm

      Lol! this is the truth. it is not effortless with you both floating away on love every day. it is still a relationship and has to be worked on. it is very easy to take the other person for granted when you see them every day and in everyway. It’s really hard work but its always worth it if both of you are willing to put in the work.

  14. paloma

    April 1, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    nice article!

  15. jefka

    April 1, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    please you skipped one…
    and that is going into marriage with the feeling that when i have children they will all be beautiful girls and boys……
    my dear, even the genes want Change and can surprise you.

    • nene

      April 1, 2015 at 4:26 pm

      lmao too funny

  16. jess

    April 1, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    dating is hard and scary so just cant imagine how marriage ll be. would just love to marry a pilot, some1 thats always travelling or a professor( quiet home) with books and shelves……i dislike men that are all loud and too happy. i love serious minded pple……im not even sure i know wat i want……should wrk on myself first right? think so too.

  17. Chimjimika

    April 1, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Jess…try and have a rethink. ohh, BAE is a pilot and guess what I don’t get to see him often. It works fine for me because I like having my space but darling sometimes you just want him to be there. Coupled with the panic attacks I have whenever I hear about a plane crash. It could have just been him. He wants us to get married , but I’m still dragging feet because of this fear. We are both 28. Already considering meeting new people, I cant leave with this panic attacks forever

    • jess

      April 2, 2015 at 5:35 pm

      Thanks @chimjimika

  18. Blizjay

    April 1, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    An interesting article. I learnt a lot from it. Marriage is not for everyone but like you said one needs to work on his or herself. Marrying someone just for love is overrated and archaic, what happens when the love fades…. Divorce right.
    @ Oga Moses please check ur mail. Thanks.

  19. Popular

    April 1, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    Hi Jess, you should think about what you wish for because trust me, a time will come when you will need your man close and home always. For me, this article added a lot more to what I already know and I pray it all works out for us at the end.

  20. Ona

    April 1, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Great points.

    This part tho was confusing: “Those who make the mistake of loving people’s status, wealth, looks, dress sense, mannerisms, intelligence and indeed all other things that can change in a moment soon find out that love for the individual in question is more critical than any other factor”.

    Ummm intelligence should certainly be one of the things u love about someone! Memory may fade but ur intelligence wont change unless u have some kind of rare disorder that causes regression. Besides personality(which includes mannerism, dress sense, character etc) and intelligence, what else are u left to love biko Moses?

  21. jackie

    April 1, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    Interesting read. Kinda agree. Now that u’ve given us the “don’t” what about some tips on the “dos” of marriage maybe?

  22. Slim

    April 1, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    Well written, Moses.

    9 hard truths right there!

    The love is not enough particularly struck me.

    I stumbled upon this Mark Manson article when I almost got with one unserious dude like that.. The article put things in perspective for me:
    markmanson.net/love#tmhmdj:FJ3k

  23. Shopperoflife

    April 1, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    I don’t get it when people refer to themselves as”freak” as in shoe freak, car freak and like this writer, fitness freak. A very insightful write up. Like a friend once said to me ” when l see young couples dancing away during their nuptials, l shake my head and say if only they know” I almost died of laughter.

  24. Mabel

    April 2, 2015 at 2:58 am

    The majority of marriages are too much work for women, imho, The entire success of the marriage and children are on the shoulders of wives 90% of the times. I honestly think marriage is an industry that is more beneficial to a man than to the woman, but who knows, I could very well be wrong. All the women get out of the union in most cases is their children, I am speaking from the global view here based on my observations of life on the earth. To think that so many women are thrown out of their matrimonial homes by the family of their husbands upon his death, even dutiful wives are not spared this abuse. In some cultures widows are set aside, Indian women in remote areas still kill themselves when their husbands die, as they are seen as useless as a widow. If the man wants to upgrade his current wife for a newer model he can simply put her out and send her packing, and even keep the children away from her, at least that doesn’t happen in the west. I wish my sisters all over the globe all the best in their various unions. Marriage is for the brave and not the faint of heart.

  25. omotunde

    April 2, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    A lot of work, yes but scary, NO! Marriage is not a do or die affair! Its a beautiful thing sacred to both God and Man. It is adopting someone else to being your flesh and blood; yet best friend at the same time…Know God, Know yourself and have a right mindset before venturing into marriage is just key.

  26. Blessing

    April 6, 2015 at 8:07 am

    Nice one! My only addition is dat God is the author of marriage so to have a good marriage u need God.
    Weldone my correct BIL

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