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How Do You Deal with Parental & Societal Pressures on Marriage? Read Doktor Joro Olumofin’s New Article ‘12 Bouquets & 15 Dresses’

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JoroDoktor Joro Olumofin is back with another article that focuses on the societal, cultural and parental pressures of marriage.

He writes:

This Article is inspired by a friend of mine who caught the bouquet 12 times and was also a bridesmaid 15 times; she’s newly married and asked me to write this so some ladies can learn from her experience of being pressured by family and society to stop attending weddings and buying “aso-ebi”, with some friends making fun of her and calling her “27 dresses” in reference to the Hollywood movie..

There are certain cultural, societal and parental pressures or stereotypes associated with a lady who is single and very active at a lot of her friends weddings, engagements etc. but the irony is that when a lady who is single & searching isn’t socially active she’s criticized for not putting herself out there..

These pressures mentioned above sometimes can derail or put a dent in some peoples personality or self-worth..

For example PARENTAL PRESSURE: Some Nigerian parents put both direct and indirect pressure on their children in relations to marriage and weddings ; some parents make comments like

(1) All your friends are married you’re busy buying Aso-ebi every weekend

(2) You keep bringing souvenirs home, when will we share yours?

(3) if u put this much effort from planning Tolas wedding into your life you’ll be married by now.

CULTURAL/SOCIETAL PRESSURE: Friends and Associates most times have an opinion about how many weddings you attend, some friends even calculate how much you spend on tailors, shoes and Gele in preparation for a wedding, criticize you for coming out on wedding blogs or magazines and make fun and give nicknames (27 Dresses, Ms Asoebi , Chairlady of Gele Affairs) etc. All these variables and comments may be hurtful and sometimes a burden but your life is your life and not for anyone to please..

From a Psychological standpoint anyone whose personality is easily changed or pressured to change for issues which aren’t malignant in nature isn’t fully developed or self-confident..

Live your life based on what makes you happy and what is beneficial to you not the norms or standards that society has created.. #Doktormofin

Photo Credit: Instagram/joroolumofin

42 Comments

  1. @edDREAMZ

    May 21, 2015 at 4:08 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said..
    .
    Women are really suffering and the african parents aint helping matters either. Thank God i no be woman i swear…
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

    • cindy

      May 21, 2015 at 4:35 pm

      At least you can help by treating women better. From your previous comments on BN, I don’t think you are much better tho?

    • the Queen

      May 22, 2015 at 10:29 am

      All. The way from Linda Ikeji’s blog… Oga so ure still active here? chineke!!!

  2. polypoly

    May 21, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    lawd!!! let me comment b4 I read this nan sense……

    Doktor Mofin – please when will you advise ur fellow brothers called men???? gee weez, na only women waka come altar??? Professional bachelor like u sef get liver to dey form love doctor. na BN I blame na….oshsico

    • akeem

      May 21, 2015 at 9:44 pm

      He wasn’t advising women – he was standing for them. Next time read before commenting not the other way round

    • akeem

      May 21, 2015 at 9:47 pm

      These pressures knows no gender, men are being pressured too.

    • DoubleC

      May 25, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      Umm okay, now that you’ve read the post, would you retract you crass judgmental comments?

  3. CHRISTIANA

    May 21, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    I can totally relate with this, I am going through the same right now, I totally love weddings and help my friends plan their weddings but some friends yab me. Our society emmm..Thank you for sharing

    • Tosin

      May 21, 2015 at 7:36 pm

      group hug. 🙂
      you should tell them in the most charming way possible to go get something to do and leave your own matter

  4. Me

    May 21, 2015 at 4:20 pm

    Tell me abowrit..,, at the age of 23 all these [email protected]/3sss at home were asking and disturbing me about bringing who I would marry, and in my mind of minds, me I know that I’m not yet ready to settle down because I feel I need to sort myself out spiritually, personally and even in my career. I would now marry out of pressure and make the poor guys life a living hell because I was pressured to. See ladies (and maybe guys) Gods timing is always the best, if you force yourself into marriage, you would end up forcing yourself out of it. I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe in the whole falling in love, having similar spiritual ideologies and future aspirations and THEN wanting to spend the rest of your life with them..,,Sha me I ran away from Nigeria and I’m hoping and praying that I find someone I’m able to make happy (off course he has to make me happy as well ;)..,,,,,,,,) not just marry him because I was pressured to and in turn make both our lives a living hell.

    #DoYouandDontletThemDoYou
    #MyHappinessisImporanttt
    #teamGodFirst
    #AHausaChickInToronto

    • Self-Sufficient

      May 21, 2015 at 5:45 pm

      Societal and Parental Pressures be damned.

      In this era where materialism (ability to bear children, being a homemaker, physical beauty, ability to satisfy sexual urges etc) has become the basis on which people make certain decisions, one has to be careful when treading into the so called marriage institution. Not to mention the so called down-low men who are hell-bent on spreading their seeds…

      I refuse to make decisions based on desperation. Let that biological clock tick all it wants, Marriage is not a do or die for some of us. Marriage and Motherhood are not my primary purpose for existing on this earth.

      Woman, Be wise!

    • B choc

      May 25, 2015 at 3:59 pm

      Love ur determination. Same here wit me, virtually all my friends are getting married every month, but i dnt see why is shuld rush into a marriage that won’t last.

  5. Diddy

    May 21, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    living ur life is wonderful thing but the society will continue to be a strong influence in our everyday life,so is not that easy trying to live ur life wen u know life itsef is a competition,some of us might say live ur life,dont care wat pple say but either we like it or not we will always care and we will always give a damn

  6. Person pikin

    May 21, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    Aarrgh!!! The daily struggles of a single lady. Even this post is a subtle reminder that you are not yet married.
    I still cant wrap my head around how all these asking these questions/ comments can change someone’s relationship status. Especially for the ladies, it not like we can marry ourselves. Sometimes circumstances beyond you control can delay your marriage (and i don’t mean anything spiritual here).
    What baffles me the most is mothers that put pressure on their daughters, i don’t know how they do it but to me its just wrong….

  7. Jade

    May 21, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    Lmao ooo gele affairs ke? Na wa o

  8. Moyo

    May 21, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    I was so distracted by Dr Muffins/Mofin silver shoes that I could not comment on the topic. Argh!! waiting to see the gold shoes with the next article

  9. prince

    May 21, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    This is so true. but one thing they fail to know is that ‘marriage is not for everyone’. its just that in this part of the world that we find ourselves, If you’re not married at a certain age its as if you’re cursed. Someone can decide not to get married. No be by force o

  10. tola

    May 21, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    Is he trying to say something we don’t already know or he’s trying to profer solutions?…goodness, anything just to stay relevant. hmmmph… i’d listen to his “advice” when he gets married. if it were Timi Dankolo (not sure of spelling) giving advice on relationships, i’d be drawn to his views…

  11. [email protected]

    May 21, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    Love you Cindy for pointing that out

  12. Great Lady

    May 21, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    Really nice article. The pressure is very real.

  13. tunmi

    May 22, 2015 at 12:11 am

    Funny enough it is now that she is a newlywed that she is doling advice. Not a sub but interesting

  14. BlueEyed

    May 22, 2015 at 3:00 am

    Put a sock in it!!! Why this nigga still yapping about stuff he is clueless about. Nigga don’t nobody care, just shut the hell up!!!

  15. Thatgurl

    May 22, 2015 at 3:12 am

    Abeg, can someone make this guy go away?
    Wonder how much he paid BN to become their ‘relationship expert’.???

  16. jane

    May 22, 2015 at 7:22 am

    this article is so true…society family friends pressure…that was how i was pressured to marry this guy, he showed me pepper…i resigned my good paying job comfortable life, peace of mind abroad to live and marry a man in a face me i face you barrack house in lagos….he showed me pepper..hes always fighting me like a woman and you could hear at the third house..so hot tempered agressive proud person who always abuse me verbally…i had master abroad and he has secondary school certicate he s alway capitalized on this, that i dont listen to him becasuse i went to school more than him…the kind mosquito, cockroad rat in that environment,i was always sick i even got infection that we spent close to 100k, it was tough but still i stayed all because of what society will say.. i couldnt get a job in nigeria i tried no way for one year…i tried to give birth inorder to stay through it all no way .at the end i ran for my life i moved back here.and now .im so Thankful to God got another very good job, peace of mind and im happy again…please ladies dont let society, people family presurised you to marry pls i beg you…Marriage is not easy you need to take your time and patiently wait on God….there is no place in the bible that we must marry at a particular age..just let God do the leading and hold on to him…kisses to my ladies.

    • Sir Harvey Dent

      May 23, 2015 at 10:03 am

      Good for you Jane, you didn’t see men to marry abroad?

      You went all the way from abroad to a face-me I face you house in Nigeria.

      GOOD FOR YOU.

      We know your type, after all the nonsense you all do abroad, you trying to go hide in Nigeria, God catch you.

      All you Nigerian Men that marry these Girls that run from abroad,

      Ask yourself one question, THEM NO SEE MEN FOR THE ABROAD MARRY?

      Why them no see?

    • jane

      May 24, 2015 at 7:13 am

      imagine you know my type..you dont even know me for talking like this.. 1….let me tell you i came back because my family wanted me to settle back home as a lady part of family pressure we talking about,we cant live abroad for ever beside i did my first degree in Lagos before going for postgraduate studies…. ..2.. the person i came back to marry was someone known to my family and they feels hes good for me 3..the person i saw abroad moved from where im based to another country and told me hes not half ready for marriage and me at 31 i believe i should dance to the tune of my friends and family age was not on my side anymore…Mr not all ladies do rubbish abroad so never judge we live abroad Cause God wanted us to be here, we have hardworking ladies that are focus..i dont want to reply you but forced to reply you…i wouldnt allow you to insult me or other ladies trying to prove people like you wrong that not all ladies do shit…Respect yourself enough read and walk away….its allowed..Hugs.

    • Iamnephiza

      May 25, 2015 at 12:09 am

      oh my God. Sir Harvey it is a shame people like you still exist. So so Embarrassing you could even utter those statement sorry to say but typical Nigerian man mentality smh. I live in the US and it is not easy to find a guy here. on the contrary it is the guys that mess around and then run to Nigeria to bring their wives after screwing around. Shame on you. I have been living here for up to 5 yrs and i have not been in a serious relationship, when i see guys are trying to waste my time i turn around and run sharp sharp, its so common with guys especially in Houston where i am. was just kidding that by the time i am 25 (currently 22) with no serious relationship i am coming to hang out in Naija for a while but with this lady’s story doesn’t look like that is happening. I don’t mess around and am almost done with my BSN i know i am a catch (tongue out lmsao) but that is the reality of what is happening, Aint nobody got time for that. I don’t plan to go to school build a career and expect a guy to treat me like a door mat. my mother suffered too much for that.if you have a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP before you come here maintain it my brothers and sisters.

    • jane

      May 25, 2015 at 1:49 am

      this guy was telling people that he needed a lady abroad he doesnt want to marry a lady in nigeria cause he doesnt want to live in nigeria anymore he wanted someone abroad where he can live forever and raise his family that was how they linked us up by my cousin in nigeria so even when i moved back he was not comfortable with it ,he just wanted me to go back and prepare his papers to join him there, but i was adamant i wanted to stay through it all in nigeria…but all his dream was America america and so hes always fighting me that nothing in nigeria i should go back , i was helpless no job i depended on him for everything and hes always taking the annoyance on me that i don t want to go back and instead live in nigeria where nothing is working talk of a desperate person…… this story was august 2012/ september2013 and in 2014 i met a wonderful man here,he respect me loved me and we doing everything under Gods care by Gods grace soon will take it to another level.. .Really Sir harvey Dent your mentality about nigerian ladies abroad is beyond me..change your outlook….no matter what when you make mistake in life God will everly got your back give you new begining and his perfect will for your lives……my Story.

  17. ACE

    May 22, 2015 at 7:42 am

    Its well! God help us all.

  18. yinkus

    May 22, 2015 at 8:34 am

    urgh what is this dude wearing?! so razz, so razz

  19. xty

    May 22, 2015 at 8:40 am

    wen will society start talking about single men, its not just about us ladies!!!

  20. l

    May 22, 2015 at 11:10 am

    the funny thing i see people complaining about how “we are tired of hearing this things.. bla boa” but u guys are making it even a big deal. this topic alone has 21 comments. before nko you guys should be expecting more from until no body comments perhaps he might just take a chill pill. but i no send!!!

  21. Sir Harvey Dent

    May 23, 2015 at 9:38 am

    It’s a case of different things.

    Questions parents are ENTITLED to ask their kids.

    First
    Do you plan or want to get married or you just want to have kids and move on with LIFE?

    Get decisive Girls, if your answer is NO I don’t think marriage is for ME, NIGERIAN parents would leave you alone.

    If your answer is YES, I want to love to get married, have a marriage and all it entails, THEN YOU HAVE TO START PLANNING.

    Your parents are only worried because they know how difficult it is for those that PLANNED for marriage, talk less of those that DONT.

    All Nigerian parents want is a plan, get decisive, and if you struggling to find the kind of man you want.

    CALL YOUR PARENTS, sit them down, tell them, Daddy Mummy, you know I really want to get married but I don’t seem to be finding the kind of guy I want.

    Please I need your guidance, you would be suprised how collectively your bond would grow not just with your marriage but with your family, cause it was all hands on deck.

    Some of you need help but (igbé ara Ga, ti kpo ju) your pride won’t let you ask.

    The only time your parents have the chance to talk to you about marriage is when you are wearing aso-ebi and walking out the door.

    Last advise, girls pls do a medical check up once a year on your reproductive organs, it’s a sensitive topic but I would say it, check yourself regularly, Men as well.

    Strong head and stturbonness won’t allow Nigerian girls hear word, we need to invest better education in our girls, they would go on build families.

    • DoubleC

      May 25, 2015 at 1:09 pm

      My one question is: “Who are the FIVE (free-thinking) individuals who liked this?”

    • mimi

      April 3, 2016 at 5:52 pm

      in what world do you think Nigerian parents would leave you alone, if you said “No, i’m not getting married”? my parents talk about marriage like i’ve already decided to go through with it, they didn’t even ask, any questions are rhetorical. the prayers are not “if she gets married” or “God, help her to take the right path”. we were once discussing a lady at church who hadn’t married yet, i consider my parents to not have an archaic mindset in most issues where other Nigerians might, but in this case… i mentioned that maybe she wasn’t supposed to get married and something about God i think, and the way she snapped at me made me think i had just said something blasphemous.

  22. frost

    May 24, 2015 at 9:30 am

    I dont know who still reads or listens to this attention seeking hack

  23. grace

    May 25, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    @me I feel you. Same age with you and I am definitely not ready for marriage. Going for masters soon, get a job and then marriage can come in. Focused on me now

  24. Jhennique

    May 26, 2015 at 8:26 am

    RANDOM RANT ALERT. I know girls 30 and over who are not married. Men approaching them are like fourty and over’. These girls dont want. They want young men in their age bracket who they can relate with well. Now problem is these guys who are 30 – 35 want younger girls between 25 and 29 and are therefore not even looking the side of these 30 something year olds. Dilema!
    Dear girls, youve been with a guy since u were 26. at 31 he neva still propose and you are chasing all other prospects away in the name of “I have a boyfriend”. Im not saying you should two-time oh. Im just saying you should be wise enough to know if you should hang on with a guy you have been dating for 5 years who still hasnt proposed. Not that marriage is by force but we all know it is a necessary evil.
    I learnt the hard way. thankfully my ex broke up with me early (after two years) instead of stringing me on. My first thoughts were “imagine! why didnt this guy break up with me while i was serving and all these fine young men were asking me out?'” Dude had to wait till i had finished service after all the guys i had chased away in the name of “I have a boyfriend”
    I cannot still ustand why a guy will date a girl for years and then break up with her after allowing her waste her youth on him. 5 years, 7 years. didnt you know u were not going to marry her by the 2nd year? 3rd year?….i dont understand it but brethren let us all just pray for wisdom. Amen

  25. Jhennique

    May 26, 2015 at 8:31 am

    LOL! different strokes for different folks. Sometimes i wish i had the kinda mother that will at least put smallllll pressure on me and my sisters about marriage. Smalll! My mom doesnt even worry us at all. All she does is tells us repeatedly to wait for the will of God in marriage even though some of us have pass 30.
    Sometimes pressure is good abeg. it shouldnt be too much but it also shudnt be totally non existent

    • mimi

      April 3, 2016 at 5:56 pm

      lol, the grass is greener on the other side. no pressure is better than pressure to be honest. i know they mean well. but the possibility of making bad decisions are high when you are under pressure and stress.

  26. JEN

    May 26, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    am i the only one that finds this guy annoying?????

  27. aurora

    April 3, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    please is it not this anoufia that was abusing Gbemi for not being married? have you all forgotten so soon? i cant even believe that bellanaija is publishing his posts. this is why misogyny will never die in Nigeria when we refuse to address misogynists. ideally, no blog run by a female should ever pay this man any attention. i cant even,

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