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Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: Keeping It Real With The In-Laws? Heck No!

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Meeting the parents of someone you love, and want to spend the rest of your life with, is extremely nerve wracking. It is such a serious thing that it is usually one of the markers that your relationship might be heading somewhere. (One of the markers… not the sure-fire sign. Some people take everybody home!) For such a serious landmark, you’re advised to put your best foot forward. Look, this is a big deal; you want the people who know and love your Lover, to get to know you and love you – almost as much. Sometimes, you don’t even want to go so far as getting them to love you, you just want to be accepted.

So, for the Nigerian guy who has dreadlocks and tattoos {yeah, remember we talked about those things being indices for social acceptance in Nigeria}, he cuts his hair and wears long sleeved t-shirts to cover his body art. Forget that his woman had cooed while grazing her fingertips along the lines of the inked shield and horses, just last night. This was a big event; he was meeting his potential in-laws.

For the woman, it’s really about showing how womanly you can be. No, honey, not all that Kama Sutra stuff you have been getting up to. This is the time where you show you came from ‘a good home’ with ‘good home training’. Putting your best foot forward with your in-laws entails showing that you will score an 8 in the 9point grading system of parental approval. In some families, you need to provide evidence that those ‘Child-bearing hips’ do more than just seduction. Insert pregnancy: show them that you’re gonna be a worthy baby factory.

Putting your best foot forward is important – especially if you love the person. It’s almost like, putting out bait and hoping to catch prime fish. It is something you have to do. There’s only a problem when you are not being true to yourself. It’s that thin line between putting your best foot forward and being as real as you can be.

My Kalabari friend, Tonye, once met her boyfriend’s dad (a staunch Yoruba man), and greeted him fully upright with “Good evening, Uncle”. Papa Boyfriend later told Boyfriend that he didn’t mind that she didn’t genuflect {We talked about the importance of that here} Papa’s biggest grouse with Tonye was the fact that she referred to him as ‘Uncle’. I gasped! Ah why didn’t you just say ‘Sir’?  or ‘Daddy’. She replied that she wouldn’t have ordinarily called him ‘Daddy’ and she felt that ‘Uncle’ was more endearing than ‘Sir’.

That relationship tanked; but we can’t really blame Uncle, Sir, Papa Boyfriend for that. Tonye said she wasn’t sure she could pretend in order to snag a man. It was a case of “This is who I am. Love me as I am. If you don’t, then take a hike and just leave me be. Someone else would love me and not mind that I call their parents ‘Uncle & Aunty’.

Yeah… White people, that’s who!

On a serious note, this issue cuts across race. Remember the 2001 movie ‘Meet The Parents’ featuring Ben Stiller & Robert De Niro? Ben Stiller’s character (Greg Focker) was a nurse who tried to get his girlfriend’s dad to like him – against all the condescension thrown at him by Jack (played by Robert De Niro)

I’m all for putting your best foot forward, especially as first impressions are somewhat important. But, there’s a Yoruba adage that says that “character is like smoke. You can’t hide it for very long”. Imagine you’re someone who likes food – you know, like a Grubbido, and every time your boyfriend’s family is visiting, you serve yourself FitFam sized portions. How long do you want to hide the fact that you DEY CHOP?

A few years ago, I invited a handful of my close friends to a birthday dinner. One of my friends came with her boyfriend. Dude ate, and ate and ate and ate and ate. No I’m not exaggerating! It was my first time of meeting this boyfriend of hers and all I can think of anytime I remember him is how he was stretching his hand across the table to reach for more things to eat.  This guy wasn’t bothering about putting his good foot forward oh. He was just being real.

Atoke CheeriosThere are some arguments against ‘being real’. According to an old Aunty of mine, in one of the sermons about how to snag a man, “You have to pretend. Ti owo e ba ti ba eeku’da, o le wa fi iwa re han” (When your hand is firmly on the hilt of the sword, then you can show your true nature). This advice has so many holes, I don’t even know where to start. You pretend, then get married under false pretences, then when you enter the marriage and the problem starts, the same Aunty will tell you to “f’ori ti”. Endure!

I believe there’s a safe balance between pretentiousness and keeping it real.  There’s something to be said for social graces and etiquette.  Don’t go to your in-law’s house and start talking like a newscaster **Side eye to Mo’ **

However, don’t pretend to be what you’re not. How long do you want to pretend that you are not a cigarette smoker? You’ll now start running around looking for TomTom to mask the smell of Benson & Hedges.

Is it really worth it?

Be true to yourself but find the right place for wisdom and tact. Don’t be too worried about who will love you and who won’t.  Not everybody will like you in this world; and calling them “Mummy Lape” – when in your head you don’t see them as more than just “Subomi” – won’t make them like you more.

Ponder upon these things, as I bid you adieu. Have a fabulous week ahead. Remember, life is short, so make yours count.

Don’t forget to share your thoughts on the times you’ve had to deal with the friends and family of your Lovers. Of course, feel free to tell us about how you had to order pounded yam to appease your Ekiti in-laws.

Peace, love & celery sticks.

Oh, before I go… remember to add me on Google+ if you want to be a part of the Google Hangout for writers and people interested in writing. It’s atokeofficial+ (I think)

Toodles!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |Michael Zhang

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

141 Comments

  1. enya

    August 17, 2015 at 10:37 am

    In-laws are sh*t. They get all up in your kool-aid and want to control everything.

    • nnenne

      August 17, 2015 at 1:23 pm

      No generalizations, please!!!!!!!

    • Blessedheart

      August 17, 2015 at 2:40 pm

      Not all of them. My in-laws are really good people. I was TTC for 2 and half years and I didn’t get any issues from them. Asides prayers, no questions, suggestions or anything. We would probably be very close if I were a family person but I’m not. I’m blessed to have such good inlaws though.

    • Ada

      August 17, 2015 at 3:39 pm

      No vex nwanne m, gini bu TTC?

    • Blessedheart

      August 17, 2015 at 4:49 pm

      @Ada, trying to conceive

    • D

      August 17, 2015 at 7:22 pm

      That is if you let them,you only owe you to be happy they always come around but if they don’t then ge fila ma wo be.(I don’t care). When I got to my inlaws place and met them pounding yam naso I turn clown they crack joke on my first day of meeting them so I later helped with dishes.till today they always beg me to pay them a visit abi now I cannot go and come and”keel”myself.

    • nunulicious

      August 17, 2015 at 9:53 pm

      I was at a family function recently. Pre-wedding day my cousins wife was all about her toddler son. I found that rather odd when there were several children there who were doting on him all evening. On the wedding day, she arrived late and sat like a queen while an aunt got her food, gave her drinks etc etc.
      Later, while we were all sharing souvenirs, dishing food for the daddies and attending to the uncles and general brood, darling wife sat down. When all the aunties were handing out party packs and just doing all the general things women do at parties, my cousin, the husband got up, went to the kitchen to organise round 2 food for them both. Darling wife was still sitting down and then ate out of the food an aunt arranged for the husband. By this time, even I was getting exasperated as she was not responding to non-verbal cues directed her way. After a while, me sef minded my own business.
      When we got home after the wedding paparazzi, two of the aunties (also wives) started complaining about how tired they were. The foolish wife at this point realised her baby has a cold.
      Needless to say, when one of the wives called for her, darling wife was on her feet for the next 5 hours with her cute baby strapped to her back with proper oja!
      No need to pretend when at the in-laws but mehn, there are some things you need to do that will ingratiate you with the family. Afterall, its only a few hours of the year!

  2. Scared Homosapien

    August 17, 2015 at 10:46 am

    But why will Tonye just call a prospective in-law ‘Uncle’, mba nu. Sir is just appropriate. lol..
    Sometimes, i wonder what my would be in-laws will say about me; ‘that girl can so greet. Is that how she truly is?’ Ma’am, that is how i am o. Punctuating my sentences with Sir/ ma is so easy for me that i wonder why people feel its a privilege to use that in addressing their elders.
    I’ve met my ex bf’s parents, though informally, and i was my usual sef (always smiling and polite). I don’t think i will have any problem when Mr Right comes along.

    1
  3. The real D

    August 17, 2015 at 10:56 am

    In-law drama, I did not realize how real it could get until recently. I never had to worry about putting best foot forward or “meeting” the in-laws as I had known hubs most of my life as well as his family. But the truth is no in-law will ever love you like their own. Forget that one, I thought mine we different until I received insult of my life that I can swear I have never been put down like that ever in my life. Upon wetin I no put mouth. All I tried to do was make peace between mama and her son after issh had gone down by asking SIL to step in. Next thing I know mama, sisters and Aunty are blaming for the entire matter. Truth is I know they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions and I am just the easiest person to blame because they know as par in-law I can not get on their behinds like their son, so why not blame her since there is a less chance of her being able to defend herself. Normally would I handle things the way I am right now? Nope, but I know I dare not “be myself” cos they sef go no say craze dey. So me I have just cut them off but I still encourage hubby to forgive because they are still his family.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 17, 2015 at 11:29 am

      Apart from the very rare exceptions to this general rule, I mostly agree with you that things will be easier to handle from the jump if one keeps in mind that no in-law will love you as their own flesh and blood. Not advocating that in-laws should now be treated with detached coolness because a lot of women honestly and really want to enjoy a good relationship with their in-laws, for the sake of keeping peace in the extended family and because those people still share blood links with the hubs and children …. but there is too much emotional heartache at risk when that closeness boomerangs.

      Pele, my dear. Really hoping fences get mended sometime in the near future.

    • The real D

      August 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm

      Thank you. my now hubby has said no fence mending business, even if he is able to sit with them and talk things over with them, he does not want me being close to them. The one lesson I took away from the whole experience is that the pickin knows his/her family better than you do so listen to them. I was the one that wanted a good relationship with my in-laws and actually put action and money towards this. I was the one that remembered everyone’s birthdays and got gifts when no one remembered mine although hubby told me not to but I was not doing it for the acknowledgement. I can go on with many more things I had done even after he had told me he did not want us doing them that he knew his family but hey I wanted us to be one big happy family until it came to bite me in the butt and I think that’s what hurt the most. If I had just listened to him, all of this would have been avoided had I just followed his leading but my family is close and I just wanted the same for hubs and his family…. o well… I am still pushing for some kind of sit down meeting for all of them but for me and them, I am keeping my distance henceforth.

    • OMG!

      August 17, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      You sound like me! It’s like I wrote this. This is the exact situation I have experienced. The whole trying to create a closeness with my in laws even though DH had cautioned against it and I am now regretting not listening to him. I have had more peace now that I keep to myself and reduce interactions.

    • kehinde

      August 17, 2015 at 5:01 pm

      I think it’s very healthy to give some distance… Am like DAT too n that’s because I kind of emulated the way my mum n her family operate. She is frds with everyone but one think I didn’t quickly learn was she also created some distance which made her gain some respect. Am a playful n friendly person but it will really hurt me if am being taken for granted so therefore I will create some space and anytime we get together we go continue our play play

    • Yolo

      August 17, 2015 at 5:37 pm

      You are a very lucky woman and your hubby is a good man. At least he sees things and he is able to stand by you. Not many men can stand by their wives like that.

    • Ann1

      August 18, 2015 at 12:42 am

      I was completely myself when I met my inlaws. I love to wear short things, and when my hubby took me home I wore a short dress, and my hubby is even the one that bought the dress for me to wear. I’m also very quiet and very too myself when I’m around strangers, and that’s exactly how I was with them. On the contrary his family is very loud, fun and outdoing. But I didn’t try to change myself to fit in with them, look at me now. The family loves me and I’m completely happy because I came as I was, and I have the freedom to be myself without fear of them saying “we have married her and now she has changed”. Ladies just be you! The right man and family will accept it.

  4. Fabulous B

    August 17, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Lol. This is for me, as I’m meeting not just my would be parent-inlaws, the whole family (my bf siblings too). LMAO. I feel it’s too much for me. I’m thinking of inviting a friend of mine along. They’re having a ceremony of some sort. Bf is excited that i’m meeting his whole family, after series of failed plans due to our busy life.
    Lol let me end my gist here.

    • oj

      August 17, 2015 at 11:25 am

      don’t EVER take ur friend along. u’ll regret it. don’t say u were not warned.

      1
    • mywifeisfiiiiiiine

      August 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm

      Taking your friend along gives them someone to compare you with. Hopefully your friend is not prettier or better behaved than you are. Go alone and pray all goes well; I had a talk with my mum before taking my now wife home. I let her know how important my woman was to me and that I wanted her to accept her whole heartedly. My mum and I are really cool so that wasn’t difficult, moreover it was my first time bringing a girl home officially as my girlfriend, so they knew I was not experimenting.

    • Yolo

      August 17, 2015 at 5:41 pm

      Are there really men like you in existence. That will create ground rules with their mothers. This is all so shocking. lol

    • Dee

      August 18, 2015 at 5:46 pm

      I was at an event with my friend who was meeting her prospective MIL for the first time and my friend still goes on about how the mama throws shades her way- my friend is tall and beautiful, but mummy apparently has dropped hints about how she loved how Nigerian I was. Chaiii, even I started feeling bad for my friend, so please drop the friend- cos they will have something to compare

    • Nahum

      August 17, 2015 at 12:25 pm

      Child, you better sit your friend at home and face your prospective in-laws by yourself. What is with girls and taking their friends everywhere?

  5. mia

    August 17, 2015 at 11:05 am

    I got the best advice when i wanted to meet my in-laws, be your very good self. meaning that everyone has the very good side, show that side but don’t go about pretending to be what you’re not. Do not even start what you cannot finish because whatever you tell them that you are, if the marriage finally pulls through, that character that you claim to have will be tested several times. for instance, my mum-in-law is all this show your spirituality by not wearing jewelries or looking fab kinda person, i did not meet her appearing all drab, i looked fab but decent and she never expects to come to my house and see me wearing a maryamaka cloth. she even went as far as preaching it one day and i firmly but respectfully told her that we do not share the same beliefs in that respect and the matter has rested. imagine if i removed my earrings and plaited my hair when i met her, she for think say i pretend come.

    be your very good self.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 17, 2015 at 11:34 am

      My friend met her mother-in-law for the first time in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. As in, if they were using a score-card, na zero she for get from the very start because her husband’s mum is also very conservative. Plus, she did real “visitor” moves and didn’t enter kitchen. Her excuse was that she didn’t want to start something that she knew it won’t be possible to sustain (i.e. wearing long skirt, offering to cook food for the family, etc.) but I keep telling her that she’s just blessed to have a husband who knows his own mind and can’t be easily influenced by his family. 🙂

      [Incidentally, she now has two boys and so, if the Lord tarries, I’ll be very curious to see whether the tables will turn in the next 20 years or so, when her sons start bringing their own prospective brides to see her…]

    • Blessedheart

      August 17, 2015 at 1:34 pm

      Oh. I did the not entering kitchen thing. The twist I brought to it was refusing to eat anything in the house. I still don’t till now. I can cook in my house and take over there but I can’t have two kitchens abeg. I still have to go and cook once in a year for family meetings but that’s it. They’ve learnt to accept me that way. I’ve been totally myself in every area.

    • Kili

      August 17, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      yup! Pls preach. Don’t enter to cook anything and don’t eat. Don’t start what you can’t finish. Worked like magic for me.
      For those in long-term relationships, don’t get too familiar. No washing of plates ( especially if you are not so domesticated) , no being overly nice. No sucking up to your husband’s sister or brother. Avoid the see me finish syndrome. Just be you.
      Truth is they can never love u like their own initially . It takes a long time to earn that love. With patience you will get there. Don’t be too forward.

      Be nice, respectful and gracious while at it remember to mark out your territory with wisdom.

    • Dee

      August 18, 2015 at 5:50 pm

      I think that’s a little rude sha, imo. I love the comment about “put your best self forward”. It’s like going for an interview even for a job you will be wearing shirt and jeans- at the interview, u will knack tie or a nice dress, cos that first impression is good and u dressing up is honoring the interviewers/people u’re meeting by showing that you care enough to pay more attention to the way you look blah blah

    • kehinde

      August 17, 2015 at 5:04 pm

      Lol that’s true … I like that …hehehe

  6. Sylvie

    August 17, 2015 at 11:18 am

    This article is just for me. Going to Owerrin this weekend with the beau to meet his parents and I havent had a proper night’s sleep for the last one week. My mom actually woke me up around 4am this morning to discuss how I should carry myself, what and what to do to let them know I am from a good home, etc. He comes from a large family (9 children) and he is the last born. I have met all his siblings, aunties and uncles save for two of them who stay in the US. I actually bonded with his immediate elder sister. I have taught her how to bake some pastries and cakes and also a few cooking tricks I learnt from following food blogs on IG and also from Babes Redefined. However, his second elder sister thinks I am an “nwa bekee” because I dont speak Igbo. I am technically not full fleged Igbo. I am from Delta state and we speak Ika but she no wan hear that one. I schooled in the east and can speak a smattering of the central igbo but she expects me to speak their konk owerri dialect. After all, I have been with the beau for 8months and I should have picked up on their language, as if na language alone we dey learn for the relationship(insert eye roll) .

    I was engaged last year to a yoruba dude. He came from a small family. They were just three children. I was so very free with his brother, his brother’s wife, his sister and his sister’s husband. My ex’s mom treated me like I was her own daughter. We could gist for Africa. She taught me how to make some yoruba dishes. Whenever we were going to the family house, I was always excited because it was always fun. I dint need to pretend. And when my ex cheated, it was actually his brother and his wife that gave me pointers. His mom still calls me till tomorrow to inquire about my welfare. I don’t miss my ex but I miss his family and I know I would have fit in so well with them if we had ended up together.

    • mrs chidukane

      August 17, 2015 at 11:44 am

      Odiegwu. That was how I was close to my husband’s family. In fact, I couldn’t wait to join their family till we got married and I got the shocker of my life. 3 years later, I’m still in shock as new things unfold every day.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      August 17, 2015 at 12:45 pm

      I read your comment and I’m thinking shock waves 3 years on. I can’t even begin to contemplate what could have happened. I don’t know what to say.

    • Nife

      August 17, 2015 at 1:37 pm

      Hmmm it is well

    • Tee

      August 17, 2015 at 2:23 pm

      Mrs Chidukane! This is my story, Infact I am still in shock! This people are the “meanest” (does this word even exist?) hard hearted humans ever!. Lord have mercy.

    • Damseldam1

      August 20, 2015 at 12:35 am

      I.Remember before I met my MIL she was sooo nice to me until I met her physically menh the lies she was telling to her people back home on the fone in my front while her son was at work was more than a shocker I was in awe I couldn’t believe my eyes. Then ex revealed to me that ex MIL never liked me. I figured it out after ex and I broke up andshe knew yet she couldn’t even Call to find out what happened neither did she even call to check on her grandchildren! In laws enh!

    • nnenne

      August 17, 2015 at 1:29 pm

      @Sylvie…Try to be friendly but at the same time keep your windows shut. Be there for them when they need you. Don’t pretend to be what you are not. Let them know who you are from the beginning.

    • Blessedheart

      August 17, 2015 at 1:37 pm

      Funny about the language thing. My in-laws wanted force me to learn their language by speaking it while I’m at their place. It didn’t and doesn’t move me. I tell them, if they want to include me in the convo, they should speak the one I understand. As for the ‘selling’ part, if I understood the language, they could still talk behind me so I really don’t care.

    • yettie

      August 17, 2015 at 1:55 pm

      My ex family are the best…I will choose them 1million times over..but sadly the Ex is an ass….no be family go put me for house

  7. JADE

    August 17, 2015 at 11:23 am

    this pretending thing backfires o, it is better to be honest and show your true character at all times, like my who pretended to not like head before marriage so her husband will not think she is wild, now shes married she wants her favorite head and she isnt getting it because hubby doesnt like giving head and she already said she didnt like it prior so now she is sexually frustrated and that is just one example. Me and the boo have talked about meeting his mom, while i find it apprehensive i dont think i would do anything extra ordinary like getting up to grab a broom, or taking charge of the kitchen and all, i will just try my best to be polite but i will not go out of my way to be or do anything else that i can’t sustain abeg

  8. Mama Saffron

    August 17, 2015 at 11:32 am

    Yeah… White people, that’s who! – ROTFLMAO. Yup, that part got me real good. Especially when meeting Le Boo’s parents for the first time and they told me to “please Janey call me by name”. By name ke, ehn, how, why, when, what is the meaning of that? I could already imagine my mother slapping me all the way from Lagos. I refused and started calling them Mrs So and Mr So. Le Boo’s Mum kicked against it, she said that Mrs So is what her mother in law is called and she despises the woman, so i should please call her by her first name instead. Ha, this woman just wants to put me in trouble. By virtue of the fact that she refused to be called Mrs So, her husband too jumped on the bandwagon and said he is only called Mr So at work, so hence I should also call him by his first name. I think that was the time i fell in love with that family. Grandmothers too told me to call them Nana and that was my cue that I was accepted. Likewise, I told his little nieces and cousins to call me Janey, none of that Aunty Janey business and now that I am officially their Aunty, they are already used to calling me by name and I don’t mind. My mother on the other hand can’t stop mentioning that shouldn’t they be calling me Aunty by now, after all I am their Uncle’s wife and they call him Uncle. I told her to mind her business biko. Lol.
    Now, rewind backwards to dating a Yoruba guy some time before i met my husband. His mother told me that I wasn’t allowed to call his sisters or brothers by name. It must be Brother this and Sister that. His brothers didn’t mind BUT HIS SISTERS reveled in it. Those ones hated me on sight. One is my mate, the other older by a year, and the last YOUNGER by 3 years. I was told to call them Sister/Aunty out of respect, because they were born before I met their brother. I am still girlfriend o, not wife. Apparently it is a Yoruba thing. Huh? Every other member of the family even the little cousins i should talk to with deference. Mind you, these aren’t illiterates. Money miss road kind of semi illiterates though. My cue to drop this man like it is hot was he saw nothing exactly wrong with it. According to him, what will it take from me to call them Aunty, it is just a tag, Janey you have bigger fish to fry, don’t sweat the small stuff. I would visit their house when they came over and they would want to turn me to house girl and this man saw nothing wrong with it. His excuse “Janey it isn’t like they live here, they are only around for a few weeks, months maybe, why can’t you just endure and do it, to please them. It gets worse, he said “do it for me”. If my people like you, it is in your best interest. See my sister in laws, they all do it to for peace sake. Ha, in this Obodo Oyinbo o, not Nigeria. I picked my legs quickly. Mama didn’t raise no fool and I won’t be subservient to a family. No point pretending like Atoke said. They were already complaining about my job and all the travel that I do. One said, I hope when their brother manages (yup, manages) to marry me, I will stop all this waka. Excuse you, did you pay my school fees? Lord have mercy. If you know your prospective in-laws want a Mumu wife, if you can’t do it, just keep it moving. You will find a man and his family that would adore and cherish you.

    • Ready

      August 17, 2015 at 12:23 pm

      Hi Jane Public, Never addressed you directly before but I love the way you drop hints about your progress. Congratulations on the birth of your baby…I hope your husband accepts the name, and pray that you’re blessed to be a great wife and mom.

    • Mama Saffron

      August 18, 2015 at 9:18 am

      Amen @ready. Thank you very very much. I wish you all the best in life too.

    • Nahum

      August 17, 2015 at 12:34 pm

      Jeez, reminds me of my in-laws. I don’t take nonsense, I give it right back to them. Thing wey go scatter, go still scatter. No need for pretence

    • Bella

      August 17, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      Absolutely !!!!Dont try it .Dont start what you cant keep up .Period!

    • Tru

      August 17, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      Oh LAWD, You have me in stitches LOLOLOLOLOLOL
      What I often wonder though is, why do in-laws give so much drama? don’t Mom-in-laws remember what they had to face? what’s with the viious cycle?

    • Tru

      August 17, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      *vicious

    • TA

      August 17, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      Jane Public is now Mama Saffron? Congratulations dear. How is motherhood? 🙂 Ndo. I was gone for only a few days and it seems so much has happened. Lol

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      August 17, 2015 at 2:17 pm

      Nne, it was more than a few days. Where went you biko?

    • TA

      August 17, 2015 at 2:52 pm

      @ Bobos, my darling me went travelling and came back to start moving house. Ah! I’m still settling down. Thanks for the concern. How you been? 🙂

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      August 17, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      I dey o.
      Moving house? (shudders).
      Hope you and yours are well. Good to have you back back. (hugs).

    • Spanish Guitar

      August 20, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      Congrats Jane Public nka (now known as) Mama Saffron. We bless God for your safe delivery. The blessings of the Lord makes one rich and adds no sorrow, we pray that you never lack all it takes to train your child(ren). E-hugs and kisses to Lil Saffron.

    • Hadassah

      August 27, 2015 at 5:24 pm

      Hello Jane!
      How is Saffron doing….? Before you know it now she will be one year old ooo..
      🙂 They grow very fast
      How are you doing? esp regarding your previous comment on another article… (remember?)
      Just sendiing you cyberhugs and loads of kisses
      Have a fab day ahead
      Xoxo

  9. TOLA

    August 17, 2015 at 11:32 am

    BEST THING TO DO WHEN MEETING THE IN-LAWS IS TO BE YOURSELF AND HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH, BECAUSE THE WAY YOU PORTRAY YOURSELF IS THE WAY THEY WILL CONTINUE TO ACT TOWARDS YOU. MY IN-LAWS ARE THE BEST. WE TALK AND GIST WHEN WE HAVE TO, ALSO YOUR PARTNER DETERMINES THE WAY YOUR IN-LAWS WILL RECEIVE YOU. MY HUBBY IS A NO NONSENSE AND FIRM PERSON, THEY WERE BEGGING HIM TO GET MARRIED, SO IMAGINE THE RECEPTION I GOT FROM MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. SHE WAS PRACTICALLY ROLLING ON THE FLOOR AND PRAISING GOD. HUBBY USED TO SAY, BABES, WHATEVER YOU WONT BE COMFORTABLE DOING IN FUTURE, DON’T START IT. MY FATHER IN-LAW SENDS MAILS TO ME TO CHECK UP ON ME. I AM THE ONE BEGGING THEM TO COME VISIT EVEN THOUGH WE ALL LIVE IN LAGOS.

  10. Tife

    August 17, 2015 at 11:36 am

    Luckily for me, i met Boos mum even before i met Boo, she was my boss as a youth corper, her son came to visit her at work and wont let her corper be.

  11. deb

    August 17, 2015 at 11:41 am

    Hahahahaha. In laws!!!!!!. If you find truly good ones be grateful to GOD. When inlaws are good, the marriage will move forward&there will be peace between every one. However if you have in laws like mine, you need to turn ursellf to a ball of fire with prayers. Bad in laws starts from a bad, very bad MIL, who will saying ill about you they dare not say in your presence, even my SIL lied against me in my presence. I will not say much, but there is a reward for all we do in this world. In lawss!!!! Not worth the hype.

    • mrs chidukane

      August 17, 2015 at 1:08 pm

      My dear deb, my mil used to lie about me to my husband because she didn’t realize how close we really are. Till one day she said something to him, he told me, I replied and he told her “I asked her and she said so and so” and she said why did you ask her? Must you ask her everything? That was how her side gists to him about me ended. Imagine if he was the sort to believe everything his mother says, I would have been in trouble cos the woman loves causing mischief.

    • deb

      August 17, 2015 at 3:08 pm

      Hmmmmm. My own story is a long story. My husband tries to balance it out, but he is afraid to face the fact that his family members are bad. When the oyinbos were describing conspiracy, they were actually referring to my inlaws. I pray GOD gives it back to them as they have done to me. Even they are fu****ing diabolical but damn, u won’t know. I’m a threat to them but they won’t just stop. But GOD’s power supersedes all other powers.

  12. Nike

    August 17, 2015 at 11:41 am

    “Ponder upon these things, as I bid you adieu.”

    Why so serious Atoke? 🙂

    This is a serious matter actually. It is always good to put your best foot forward but it isn’t a guarantee that you will be liked either. We are all humans and we can see through seemingly nice and gracious acts, acts which cannot be followed through in perpetuity.

    Be yourself and don’t start what you cannot keep up with. I cannot imagine myself going to a fiance’s house where they have a cook, steward and 2 maids and I will pretend to wash the dishes if it isn’t customary for the children in the house to do so. Be nice and polite is all I can say.

    Cheers.

  13. Babym

    August 17, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Ahhh yes! This reminds me of meeting the inlaws for the first time. I remember being nervous as hell, i even went to wear one nonsense long skirt and blouse that u will never catch me wearing lol, as soon as hubby picked me from the airport he just burst out laughing saying what d hell r u wearing babe lol. After dropping to my knees to greet everybody i relaxed when they started saying ehen our wife o, u r welcome lol. Next thing my MIL offered me Baileys! Im like yepa! This is a test! This woman wants to test me oo so that i can be branded an alcoholic! Everybody knows baileys is my weakness, it didnt help that the room now went silent like everybody was waiting for my response! i had to decide there and there if i was going to continue this show or just be myself jare. I just said i will have a little ma, i was surprised when she didny dagger me with her eyes she just smiled and said ehen na now we go enjoy the real you lol. That is how me and her almost finished the bottle o. (She kept topping my glass up) and thats how we bonded and broke the ice. Turns out MIL is as chilled out as they come o, she just likes to groove and enjoy life lol, so i was acting all that deeper life drama for nothing lol.

    • chugirl

      August 19, 2015 at 7:51 am

      haha……..shame on u girl lol

  14. amaria

    August 17, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Try meeting in laws when u and mr boo are from different tribes! That’s when the real headache starts. How will u greet. How will you dress? What if they are not over the fact that their son refused to marry from within. The list goes on and on. Indeed nerve wracking. In my case where the in laws live in their village I got to see how far and different the place really was. The realities of “di mba” (intertribal marriage) began to set in. Then don’t forget the older aunties and grandma’s who insist on rapping one long paragraph of the dialect that they very well know you don’t understand in the name of greeting and warn you u only have 3 months from wedding to become as fluent at they are cos they will never talk to you in English … (mama who told you I can even speak my own dialect biko).
    Like others have already said pretense is not the answer. Giving it out all raw may not be of any help either. Just be polite and keep to yourself especially if you have a co operative boo.
    I feel for girls who the guy wants their babe to enter kitchen and pound yam and bond with mama overnight so they can see he made a good choice. My in laws r not even so sure if I can or cannot cook sef…when i go to the family house i do enough to show them that my mother raised me well but thats about it abeg… I believe i have my the rest of my lifetime to prove their son chose well. I must not do all today…..

  15. Mama Saffron

    August 17, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    ” I believe i have my the rest of my lifetime to prove their son chose well. I must not do all today…..” That part of your comment is GOLD right there.

    • olamicome

      August 17, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      Congrats Jane public!!!! How is our saffron doing???

  16. Adaeze Writes

    August 17, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Awww…I love today’s article, Atoke. I have always had this belief about my future in-laws ‘that they would love me like their own daughter’ I still believe it though. I also feel that everyone should regardless of putting their best foot forward at the time of the meet, should also show off their real sides because, marriage is a long thing! I mean…many of our parents are still married and we knew them after they had met and that’s a long time.

  17. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    August 17, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    Its funny cos i was thinking about this topic this morning, not because I have any such visit coming up, but because I am wearing what I wore when I first visited my friend’s parents.

    I had been scheduled to attend a conference in another state. Said friend was in town and decided he would tag along has he had some business to take care of in the state as well. We had loosely spoken of meeting his parents who were resident in the state before the trip but nothing concrete was agreed so I was not in gestapo mode. Only for friend to come and pick me up during tea break to announce we were driving directly to see his folks. Hian! I was wearing a black, above the knee, severe looking gown that hugged too well in the right places. My heels were thankfully moderate on that day. My braids had never been longer or fuller and my nails were a nude shade. And Acrylic.

    I told him I was not prepared. Boda said it was nothing fancy or formal. Just a visit. The look I shot him would have pinned him to the chair of his seat. As if! As he had already informed them he was bringing me in the next 5 mins, (the distance was remarkably close). Na so we went o and I’m alive today to share the testimony.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      August 17, 2015 at 12:38 pm

      Abeg make una no vex for “pinned him to the chair of his seat”. Na old age cause am.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 17, 2015 at 10:59 pm

      ?? I don’t think it would even have been noticed if you didn’t flag it up. No be small chair wey dey inside his seat… ?

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      August 18, 2015 at 5:35 pm

      No be small chair at all o. As I read am finish na im I see wetin I write. Laugh wan kii mi.

      I just had to out myself before the “lingo queens” bust me.

  18. ThatShyChic

    August 17, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Interesting topic! Never met any ex’s parents, and this meet the parents thing scares me…

    I have a mental picture of what it’s gonna be like though. Lol. I’m certainly going to be far away from the kitchen! Kitchens are a very personal space for me (I really can’t explain it) and I won’t be slaving away in someone else’s kitchen when their son hasn’t taken me to the alter yet. I love to cook a lot by the way.

    Let’s see how it goes anyway….

    • Blessedheart

      August 17, 2015 at 1:44 pm

      I feel the same way about kitchens. I don’t feel comfortable in a kitchen that’s not mine

  19. Tru

    August 17, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    “….as I bid you adieu.” Atoke, nwanne, where you dey go?

  20. blueberry

    August 17, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    When you have lovely in laws, it is but natural for you to respond equally with love and kindness. However, when you realise that your in laws are all shades of mean towards you, that should be your cue to establish a cool distance between yourself and them lest you loose your mind and focus.

  21. [email protected]

    August 17, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    My 2 kobo:

    – If you have an interview to land a dream job at say Google, you dress appropriately in business attire.. You comport yourself professionally in front of the interview panel, and do all it takes to show that you are a credible candidate. If you are into business, and you have a meeting with a potential client about a huge contract, you do not show up in cut-off shorts; you do everything to put your best foot forward. Now imagine, meeting your inlaws for the first time – these are the people who in the context of Nigerian culture, have some direct/indirect say in whether you will marry their son/daughter, or people who can make it very difficult for your from the jump (until your 2 legs have “entered” the marriage). You should best be on your Ps and Qs. Leave all these Ms. Independent bullshit for October 1.

    – I find that as ridiculous as it sounds, many parent-in-laws expectations of you depends on their exposure, ethnic background, education and the position of the child. Let me explain. If you are dating a first son, in an Igbo family, his mum would want to see if you are forthright, strong, can take charge and are hardworking. This is because traditionally, the wife of a first son will be the de facto mother of the extended family. If you are dating a last born, it is a different expectation. What are the economic strengths of the inlaws you will be meeting? Are they well off and do they do have their noses in the air. Or are they impoverished, and see you are a future money spinner for the whole family. You have to study the history of your lover’s family so that you can have a strategy for when you meet them.

    – Guys also need to “impress” inlaws too. Good girls are hard to find, and when you meet a gem of a chick, you also want to come across as an impressionable capable man when you met her father. No father in law wants a liability for a son-in-law.

    Atoke, abeg na.

    • Yawn

      August 17, 2015 at 2:01 pm

      Indeed worth 2kobo

    • justanothergirl

      August 17, 2015 at 7:13 pm

      I take it you have never been to any Google office worldwide. Jeans rule the day they are so dressed down I am sure some probably come in their PJs. Super chilled organisation non of that corporate stiffness going on at Google. So Jeans and a smart top and perhaps blazer would do for an interview at Google trust me.

    • Dollface

      August 19, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      i’m sure you know what he meant.. we all got the message… do you work in google, i’m sure you don’t.. madam ITK

    • c

      August 18, 2015 at 4:43 am

      ok just to add my kobo, if you have an interview you look good and after you get the job you can dress down, doesnt happen in marriage! The interview dress na wetin u go continue to wear if not wahal dey

  22. Nelo

    August 17, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    Lol! No biggie in meeting the parents. Let your make up be moderate, your dressing simple and modest, make your hair and be your good self. No need to show all of yourself in the name of being real. Dont start cooking as soon as you land there unless ofcourse thats who you are then carry go.. Anyway just be your good self and what will be will be!

  23. Clara

    August 17, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    Me I was more scared of the boo meeting my family than I was of meeting his, so I put the visit off for as long as possible. See, his parents are oyinbo and his mum had been very nice, emailing/sending cards before we even met. And as a fellow bookworm, we had been sending each other book recommendations…when we finally met, we bonded like old friends! As in since then, we call each other every week, and I regularly visit them without le boo even though they live in another country. We are so so close, his mum and I. Me on the other hand am the symbolic baby of the family, the first born, but all my siblings love me and are very protective. I was so worried about the boy meeting them. Thankfully he passed the test phew! Now he even calls on my brothers to act as adjudicators when we fight ??. My baby sister also has the same luck with her Indian MIL even though they have a reputation for disliking blacks/hating mixed relationships.

    I know we’re lucky, and whenever I hear these stories I thank God (and my mum who prayed against us having her own horrible experience!)
    laviedeclarao.blogspot.be/?m=1

  24. nwanyi na aga aga

    August 17, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Ponder upon these things, as I bid you adieu”
    Atoke this sentence reminded me of a particular incidence when I was in Form 5. I had finished a heart to heart discussion with a classmate and the bell rang for subject period change. She took “Food and Nutrition” while I was an Agric student, we left class together en route our different subject labs, when we got to our separation point, it was with great fondness that I hugged her whilst whispering “Adieu my dear friend” like my friend Shakespeare. Babe was traumatized, she quickly pushed me away screaming, “Why are you saying adieu? Do you want to die? Are u praying for me to die? (loooool! its still funny to me). Ah! I was surprised “Is adieu not good bye this girl? I retorted, while my classmates were gradually gathering to know what the problem was. “Its goodbye for people who are dead” she screamed back.. My classmates that were gathered there, agreed with her, they too were traumatized Adieu ke? Hian! and this was an all girls boarding school with the attendant possessed stories. Omo! I learnt a great lesson o, Adieu was a wrong kind of Goodbye, it was for dead ppl..
    Atoke in that vain I ask you, why this Adieu? hahahahahaha! Sorry to digress

    • Atoke

      August 17, 2015 at 2:12 pm

      Hahahahahaha It’s not just for dead people na! Lol. Na goodbye with French origin.
      Abi no be adieu dem talk for that song for Sound of Music? Wey all the pikin dem line up for staircase dey talk goodbye to their papa friends?

      In fact from next week I’ll start signing off with “Odigba” Lol

    • Manny

      August 17, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      Adieu and Odigba. Haha you people will not kill me.

    • Nur

      August 18, 2015 at 8:33 am

      Hi Atoke,
      Adieu is for dead people… Au revoir is for when you plan on seeing the person again.. for people still alive. so Au revoir it should have been.

      infact i know this french song where it goes.. Au Revoir c’est n’est pas Adieu…. meaning.. Goodbye is not Goodbye forever…

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      August 18, 2015 at 8:52 am

      Loool! @ Odigba. Don’t mind me I was just pulling your legs.

  25. babygiwa

    August 17, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    I am yet to have this interesting experience but I am very sure that I am going to put my best foot forward, no need to pretend or do anything that I am not comfortable with.
    Oko buruku se fe, ana buruku o se ni.. It’s a Yoruba proverb and it is simply that you can marry a terrible man but you should run from terrible inlaws.
    Have a blessed week my good BN fam.
    Popcorn, ice cold coke and peppered gizzards! LOL.

  26. I WISH I HAD KNOWN BETTER

    August 17, 2015 at 2:18 pm

    I had an issue with my sister in-laws at some point, I came to realized that the people I had taken as my sisters were just jealous bitter people. I cant even start with the drama that unfolded. The most outrageous things I found out was that my husband wanted me to lick their toes, he came to their defence on everything even insulting me in front of them. I felt so alone and started questioning the man I married, couldn’t believe he’d do such a thing. That day I realized I married a man that wanted me to be a fool for him and his family, this man would conveniently use me as a maid if I give him the chance to. His jokingly threatened to hit me so many times and I always have that feeling that one day it will happen. My marriage still scares me till date but then I’ve been advised not to think of leaving, well apparently it is not a good thought. But i’m fighting and I refuse to be dragged not by him nor his family… MY GRANDMA GAVE ME A FEW WORDS OF ADVICE THAT WORKED AND I’VE HELD ON TO. SHE TOLD ME TO LET THEM SPEAK AND SAY WHATEVER, I SHOULD JUST REMAIN CALM, DO NOT BEG ANYONE IF YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT OTHERWISE YOU BECOME THEIR FOOL, DO NOT CHANGE FOR ANYONE EITHER BECAUSE YOU WOULD NEVER SATISFY PPLE. THE BEST THING I TOOK FROM WHAT SHE SAID IS “SILENCE IS GOLDEN”… WHEN YOU ARE QUIET, THEY DONT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING OR KNOW WHAT IS COMING, YOUR SILENCE SCARES THEM BECAUSE IT IS A SIGN YOU ARE CONFIDENT. AS FAR AS THINGS ARE OK WITH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND, YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!!! SHE ALSO TOLD ME TO WISH THEM WELL BUT REMEMBER KARMA IS A BITCH, THEY’LL BE MARRIED SOMEDAY. SINCE THEN I HAVE GIVEN THEM A HUGE DISTANCE THAT WAS LONG OVERDUE.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      August 17, 2015 at 3:59 pm

      I pray for you, that God will continue to show His strength for yours and give you second sight. He shall put a hot coal on your lips and when you speak the wisdom and purity of your words will burn holes in every thought, or word formed/spoken against you before they hit their mark. Your peace shall know no end. You energy and creativity shall not be spent/channeled on fighting psychological arguments or dilemma’s but you shall be balanced on every side. Your purpose on earth shall be fulfilled and nothing, no one shall thwart your destiny. Your relationship shall be restored and its purpose as well shall be established.

      You are special, you are loved and you are fabulous. Be great.

    • deb

      August 17, 2015 at 4:17 pm

      I’m exactly in your shoes. My marriage is just less than 2 years but I dated my husband for 6 years. Pray to GOD to let them misbehave that ur husband will hate his family members. See hen look for a correct man of GOD that will join you in these prayers. Don’t slack. My own husband’s sides me but he tries to balance out bet me&his fam. Also look for a way that your husband will also be praying with you, in the cause of prayers, prophesies will come out that will touch is heart. It is only GOD that can save one from bad in laws. I served them back what they served me with the help of GOD.

    • Nnechi Spicy

      August 17, 2015 at 5:13 pm

      your nana’s advice is d truth. I noticed that when my mom inlaw is quarrelling with you, she needs you to respond(that’s how she quarrels with her daughter with the whole street bearing witness). The more you ignore, the more hateful words you hear(like ‘they told you t0 go and marry you went to bring an egbere, you think I don’t know that your family did juju to marry my son, thief etc). So I started using silence as my weapon. I don’t talk, I don’t argue but you see that thing I wanna do, I do it. my hubby is very firm with them and always defends me, cos of that, they say I cannot be controlled lol., On my part, I try to be @ peace with them and I LETMY DH TAKE THE LEAD ABOUT ANYTHING THAT CONCERNS HIS FAMILY.
      I cant shout!

  27. Daughter-in-law, Mother-in-law palava

    August 17, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    Human beings sha!
    Why do we all make others believe that our in-laws are evil or bad people, leaving our own people out of the equation?

    The same way you go visit his parent is the same way he will come visit your parent.

    We all make it seem like its our SIL and MIL that is our worst enemy on the planet, whereby our own people do dissect the guy from the head to his toe!

    You all should talk to yourselves. You women are the ones giving yourself problems. You hardly find a BIL or FIL giving you problems but the SIL and MIL.

    You all are the same. When your brother or sister comes home with a girl or guy, that is the same thing you do

    Hiss

  28. Confused in Lagos

    August 17, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    I stumbled on this article while looking for the Peter Bello tributes online. Maybe God sent me here.
    I’m in my mid-thirties,so is my fiancee who is very beautiful, the best combination of brains and beauty,decent ,good cook, strict and very very kind. She is the definition of a good person. I say this not because she is mine but because it is true. Her friends,colleagues,ex-colleagues, neighbours, everyone all tell me I’m a very lucky man. We are both good Christians.We are however from different ethnic groups. My folks (esp mom and her sisters) are still sore that I picked a woman ‘from outside’. Mum thinks her ethnic group has too many ‘women of easy virtues’ (even though my fiancee is easily the most decent woman I know of) amidst other complains. Well, I know mum is wrong and we have talked to the point where she has accepted my fiancee. I met my fiancee’s family already and they are an awesome bunch. My fiancee is meeting my family next weekend and to the reason for my confusion: ‘my darling fiancee wants to keep her leg chain on for the occasion’. She is wearing an ankara dress so the leg chain would be very obvious. My babe has told me her own mother is not too happy with her extra ear piercing nor anklet but she has come to accept it. I have explained to her why it may be a bad idea. We have argued about it and she finally told me she will think about it. My mum already has a bad vibe about her as per ethnic group, my parents are ultra-conservative and I know my parents (mum actually,dad won’t even notice initially) would not like it. My darling fiancee thinks she should present herself as she is to my family,leg chain and all. That she doesn’t want my mother coming to our house and be shocked to see she wears an anklet. I love this woman and would marry her even if my family disapproves and my parents know this. I have no problem with her wearing a leg chain or anklet as she calls it,lol. Dear readers, please how do I help her see this is an avoidable battle as we meet my family or Am I being irrational?

    • OMG!

      August 17, 2015 at 3:21 pm

      Please let her wear her anglets abeg. You have already started to pin her in line with your family’s view and you neva marry o. I like her stance on the issue.

    • Ayoka

      August 17, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      If she was going to the white house, I doubt she would wear a leg chain. Same for an interview or to work, I doubt she would wear a leg chain. Yet, it would be okay for her co-workers to see her off duty in her short skirt and leg chain. Outside of work, it is none of their business.
      This is a meet the parents day, she can chill for that day. After that, before the wedding, she can wear her leg chain. If they have any objections, you still have time to let them know you love your girl like that .
      It’s not about the leg chain per se, I think it’s the message of nonchalance and I don’t care that it sends to the parents (in the Nigerian context).
      This is just my opinion. In Nigeria, I would rather wear a ton of necklaces and rings than a leg chain to meet my future in-laws. The leg chain does not define my real me so I would have no qualms taking it off.

    • Magz

      August 18, 2015 at 8:15 am

      This is for Ayoka;

      Excuse me, i wear anklet to work, two of my female colleagues have extra piercings that they wear earrings on when coming to work (Naija). I have a friend who works as a quality control manager in a big snack manufacturing company in Oregon and she wears anklet to work.

      My point: it should be her choice! if they would like her, they would – with anklet and extra piercings and all. If they wouldn’t like her, even if she covered from head to toe, they still wouldn’t like her!

      So if she goes now without the anklet and they get married, what would happen when the MIL or SIL comes visiting and sees anklet on her?

    • Kili

      August 17, 2015 at 4:19 pm

      Hmmmmmm , abeg I no know about this leg chain something o.

  29. Cleo.

    August 17, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    The real D. if i was not sure of my self i would have thought i wrote that. exactly the same experience. I do not interfere in their issues. I am never called. when hubby does anything for them i am not told. Recently they fell out with him, instead of sorting it out , suddenly i am the one who asked him not to give them money anymore.
    I was shocked beyond words. They said all sorts, things i would never imagine. My hubby has suddenly found his true Love (me) i laughed in Swahili. I refused to respond to any one and it is driving them crazy. i just decided to focus on my renewed Love with my hubby since God has made my joy full. My hands are clean< i know God will continue to fight this battle.
    I pray for Peace as i often tell hubby to make peace, its his family but i now know where i stand.

  30. B

    August 17, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Shout out to ms. socially awkward.
    @mama saffron, congratulations on the birth of your baby and that you get to call her what you want. MIL and FIL told my hubby specifically that they are going to register my baby”s name according to what they named him and that that would be the name he would bear when he starts school..
    Hubby got home and did exactly the opposite, said he”s a grown man and they can’t tell him what or what not to call his child.

    December 26, 2014, the whole squad of in-laws where in our house to cause commotion. First, that we didn’t invite them for our child’s birthday. (the birthday we didn’t celebrate cos we know how they would have caused katakata) but the birthday fell on the same day we do our thanksgiving in the church, as per Redeemed things. People brought cakes for him plus the one we had and took pictures when they called all December ”celebrants” out for thanksgiving. In-laws saw the pictures on hubby’s dp and came to make case with it, that we took our own child to church to celebrate his birthday and were not invited (cos they are Muslims, only my hubby and the first child were Christians).

    Second one on that day was that, they said i am the one causing division between the family just because I’m true to myself. Hubby would not have it with them that day cos of all the things they said and you know how in laws can sabi tongue lash eh. hubby stood up and was shouting at the top of his voice that if they know they can not come in peace to his house except to cause commotion all the time that they shouldn’t come again, no be small thing that day believe me. Up until now non of them came and i was so proud of my hubby for standing up to them and speaking for me that day.

    Our child now has the name we gave him on all his documents including his international passport.

    • Nnechi Spicy

      August 17, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      that’s how my DH is and they hate it. How dare you take sides with a ‘stranger’. He is a good umpire.

    • kehinde

      August 17, 2015 at 5:23 pm

      Na wa o but why will they be insisting that they will give him “the name” some people sha

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 17, 2015 at 11:07 pm

      Shout out to you too, babes and your awesome hubby who sounds like he has your back in a good way. May there always be this unity between you both that excludes all 3rd parties in whatever form… Amen.

  31. anon

    August 17, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    In-laws and their wahala. I think Nigerians are probably the most hypocritical people on the planet.
    During my introduction ceremony, they tied me to my MiL’s back like you would a new born baby and said I am her new adopted. Everyone (including my mum) said to treat her like my mum but then they add a gazillion caveats to it. There are expectations out of nowhere like I am expected to do things I won’t do for my mum and she won’t expect from her children. If it is ok for your grown arse daughter to orders Chinese / pizza for dinner because she is tired, you should call your DiL disrespectful for doing the same. If you can microwave your own food / lay your bed at your daughter’s house, then you should there too.
    Guess what; if all I do when you are around you is serve you, then chances are my relationship with you becomes a chore. And like most chores, you endure and not enjoy it. I have always said that I am not looking fwd to my MIL coming to “help out” after I give birth because I suspect that it will just be additional hardwork that frankly I think I am better off without. It shouldn’t be like that, no one shud be a liability to others.
    So my question to all IL especially MILs is this, what is your role in their family. Fair enough, there are expectations of your DIL, but what should your DIL look forward to from you when she becomes part of your family.

  32. Phibz

    August 17, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    Hmmmm! In laws!
    Just be yourself. Thats what worked for me anywayz
    I’d go spend the night with my boo @ his mums place and she had sleeping disorders! She would wake up @ odd hours to watch TV cos she couldnt sleep. My boo is very anti-social- no alcohol, no cigarette. On the other hand- i was a PARTY ANIMAL. I will go clubbing and come back in the wee hours of the morn and meet her awake watching TV (I had my own keys to the house) id just greet her ‘Ekaaro ma’, walk past the her in the living room and go meet le boo in the room. So she knew from day one, this one was cray-cray.
    Even after she sat me to give me the story of how le boo was her fav child, bla, bla, bla…i continued my lifestyle each time i had to stay the night @ hers.
    On her next trip abroad, she bought me bum shorts. And said ah, this is the type of sokoto u like to wear. My next outing, i wore it and made sure she saw me wearing same 🙂

    Wisdom is key.
    After my clubbing nights, id cook her fav meals in the evening, sit 2 jist wiv her and all. Changed her kitchen utensils and got a cleaner for the house. someone to come clean the house 2ce in a month (on le boos bill of course!) Soon afterwards, she nicknamed me ‘olowosibi’ – meaning owner of spoon i think, as per some1 that cooks well..

    • Fabulous B

      August 17, 2015 at 7:18 pm

      LMAO. This your story is hilarious. Pls, calm down on the late night. Your boo’s mom is very tolerating, I guess for now and your boo, he dey try. Lol. All the best, dear.

    • Phibz

      August 18, 2015 at 10:03 am

      @Fabulous B
      Thanks hun, Calm down?
      Dey no dey tell person that one… married with 2 babies under 3yrs, so calming down came naturally. LOL
      I intend to resume my social activities as soon as possible!!! Its been freaking too long. Started having babies immediately after marriage. *sigh*

    • Dunai

      August 18, 2015 at 12:36 pm

      Thk God 4 ur life,it doesn’t work 4 everybody like dat.i guess u’re nt in Nigeria. My challenge abt us Nigerian we d guy is meeting d babe’s parent no stress/too much story,is when the lady want 2 meet d fiacee’s parent that one will start adjusting/fake wat z not.My own tot though,the guys should be helpful @ least they knw their parent more the guest coming,inform her on do’s & don’t’s @ 1st impression.My ex had me 2 his parent on Sallah,his Dad z a Muslim while every other family members are christian,it always a full house.i just finished my NYSC nt too long av nt gotten ex had me 2 lie dat I have job so that is mom will respect me. He didn’t tell dat his parent doesn’t want sum1 wearing trouser.I’m trouser person expect for my native attire then.He didn’t tell them of my coming.i wore a fine tailored gown & changed to trouser later there,the following day I wore trouser too.Ex was d last born out of five children,d age difference of older siblings are much.i understand those kind of family unlike my family i’m d 1st born i’m just 2yrs older than my sisters.(We’re very close)

    • Dunai

      August 18, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      His elder brother on 1st day asked if i’m born again,i said Yes,he said how did I knw?Me dat tot i’m a church girl. Ex mom told me about the trouser issue dat if I go c my in-law to be I shld nt wear trouser nt only necessarily with them. My own opinion be yourself let everytin b in moderation.(ur dressing,make-up etc)don’t b too forward .so dat dey won’t use ur word against you later.

  33. Miss Dee

    August 17, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    Hmmmmm, my own was not easy. Le boo is yoruba, I am south south and don’t understand yoruba, after 2 years of dating and 1 year of convincing his people that I was the one he had chosen they decided to meet.
    We went to his sisters’, I knelt and greeted both parents, thought I would be natural and ask to help out in kitchen, his sis said no. The rejection was bad enough that she actually had to pry her 4yr old daughter who had taken a liking to me away from my side.
    His mom decided to gist about something, carried on a conversation with everyone else in yoruba, I just sat there. Le boo contributed all his responses to the gist in english – maybe to give them a tip but alas, they weren’t getting the memo. Time to eat: his sis brought the food, served everyone else and did not even have the courtesy to invite me to eat. Le boo called me to the table to help myself.
    Anyways, 4 grueling hours later it was time to leave. I decided I had done my best knelt down and said bye, evil sis opens her mouth and says God bless you: If I had pepper spray it would have come out at that point.
    Equally I pray for peace and hope they give themselves a chance to know the wonderful person who is joining their family otherwise we go do our tin like oyibo
    PS: Advantages of living outside naija.
    Peace and love :*

  34. sass

    August 17, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Met the ex’s mum. This woman right there in front of me was speaking their language (unfortunately for her and fortunately for me I can hear and speak their language even though I can’t even say good morning in mine) to her son telling him he has to marry a girl from their tribe.
    I was gobsmacked, I was crazy in love with her son and even though we parted ways for other reasons I shudder to think what might have been?
    As Godwin the guy is now dating another babe, from the same tribe that I am from .Buahahahahahahahaahaha and I know the babe, she will step on even her own head to get what she wants. I really hope he marries her cos nah that babe fit that woman.

  35. Yolo

    August 17, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    You are a very lucky woman and your hubby is a good man. At least he sees things and he is able to stand by you. Not many men can stand by their wives like that.

  36. Fabulous B

    August 17, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    @oj, I thought so too. I won’t. It’s just the scared part of me thinking of bringing a friend( thought was too loud that I even typed it, lol).
    @mywifeisfiiiine, thanks sir. Wow! Lucky wife you got. It’s my journey and I alone with my bf should embark on it.
    @Nahum, lol @child. Thanks ma. Sure won’t let a friend take my shine. Not all girls go every where with friend(s). Not like I need a friend when submitting proposals or when chilling with bf or other stuffs.
    I appreciate all your advice my BN familia. Looking forward to meet my prospective il

  37. Lamz

    August 17, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    In laws in laws… Prayers and more prayers.. They might like you from the start as gf, but when marriage Preparations comes it’s another story. You start to see there true colors, some might want to be dominating, domineering or just act like after all you are marrying our son, so you have to lick their feet, even when youre trying to walk on egg shells just to please them . Some are even hard to please, even when youre doing the right things, (that’s why marriage is not for the faint hearted. WOMEN NEED TO MARRY MEN! IT’S NOT A BOYS AND GIRLS TING!) cos you have to let them have their way but not to your detriment oh!.I pray that what our mothers faced with their in laws, none of us will face it and if we do that we will be able to handle them. So it;s not just praying for a Godfearing husband, that loves the lord Jesus Christ more than you do , thats not enough, that he will also be matured enough to handle tough situations. . Cos you don’t want your husband telling you ” You want to come between i and my mother or my sister or my people, even when you’re not. 2nd Prayer point and if not one of the most important is ” Father lord, may my prospective inlaws be understanding, treat me like their own and not lie for their son or take sides when he/she is wrong, also pray to God that they dont try to put asunder and if they do, remind God with verses in the bible to help keep your soon to be or new family, safe from any man / woman that tries to put asunder.
    Bottom line with in laws one has to be diplomatic, play good politics, be a psychologist, a prayer warrior and regular upgrade with cooking methods and hygiene.

  38. Dont care

    August 17, 2015 at 6:38 pm

    Hmmmm! inlaw matter, am the type of person that is blunt to the core, hubby knows that, The first day i met the parents it was not a big deal for me, His fathers first question was who is my son to you? i gave him straight answer, I and your son have been together and want to get married, the man looked at me with one kind eye, me i no send is either he accepts me or not maybe am the type that don’t take things to heart, i cannot explain, before we got married my MIL asked me to call her daughter and tell her about our wedding plans shuuuuuuu! because i have not in good terms with her, she does not like me and i hate her too, so who cares, I summoned my FIL, MIL and hubby for a meeting i told them, see am not a goody goody kind of girl, sorry i will not call their daughter, turned to hubby, if you will end the wedding plan, so be it, you all should cancel the wedding that i wouldn’t call her, hubby no talk, he no say i no dey pretend, don’t try to make me who i am not, if you are not comfortable with the way i am, please take a walk, MIL was trying to make it a form of duty to use me and get money from hubby, trying to be nice and all that, i called her and told her straight, please all theses games ain’t gonna work for me, if you want money tell your son, if he gives you fine, if he does not fine, please leave me out of it, from then she no say this one no be the type you fit use, never pretend to be who you are not or deprive yourself happiness to make another happy because of marriage, sorry, i do what is right, but don’t push me further, it won’t work. did forget SIL come no say no be me they go her chew head, she don mellow by force.

    • honey omo lekki

      August 18, 2015 at 8:34 am

      Take am easy o. You go get SIL and DIL one day too o. This your own don they resemble pride small small.

      I like that you know what you want though, but you probably need to tone it down a bit.

  39. Toyosi

    August 17, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    My boos mum is like the bestest. Cant even start typing how grateful i am to God for her. She is just amazing. But biko..bf suggested one time that he wants to build smth small infront just infront of his house, i was like No. Later he said while he builds on the land he just finished paying for, that can we leave in d vacant flat in his compound, i was like NO na wetin? I love his Mum and all, she no get wahala at all and she is the sweetest. But i just cant. When we get married…even if its two bed room flat, lets move in and when its completed, we can move to our house. To summarize all, one of the main reasons he brot this up was cos of his mom…his dad is late and his two inr sibilngs wont be around dat much. And he wldnt want his mum to be alone. But me, i just cant. Please am i being selfish/self centred? Cos i dunno o *sad face*

    • honey omo lekki

      August 18, 2015 at 8:51 am

      My sister, you are not selfish. Do not accept!!! I repeat, DO NOT ACCEPT!!! Familiarity brings contempt (abi how dem dey talk am.

      The same thing happened to me. My mother in law is a very nice woman. At some point, she would come spend weekend with us and i always look forward to it. Small small it stretched to a week, small small it stretched to 2 weeks. That is how she just moved in and didnt go again. That was when the real war started. You dont give my son food on time. You didnt greet me before leaving the house (even when she may still be sleeping). She will see morning fresh on the kitchen sink and go buy her own omo to use. The matter came to a new high when my sister came to Lagos one day to a specialist hospital (she is an SS and had a a serious crisis), I asked MIL if sis could manage in the room with her, she said the 4 and half bed can take 2 people (we live in a 2 bedroom). I just went straight and reported to hubby. Hubby went to her room and noticed that she wasn’t even sleeping on the bed (she likes to sleep on the mat cos she claims it helps her arrange her bones). He couldnt even talk to her cos he saw himself that she was just being wicked and mischievous. From that day, he started persuading her, albeit forcefully, to start preparing to go back home. She fought back. She even told him that “shebi there are some people that live in face-me i face-you and have their MIL living with them” and what is my hubby’s problem. That one just told her to arrange her stuff, he is taking her back home. That was how i became free.

      Before i forget, there was a day i wasnt feeling too fine, and i (or hubby?) struggled to make eba and warm left over vegetable for hubby to eat. He was eating when my MIL stood up, went to her room, brought out meat (didnt even know she was keeping meat in her room) and drop on my hubby’s food, While i was sitting right there!!! Hubby didnt see anything wrong with it until i asked him how he would feel if he gives me housekeeping money in front of my mother, and she now looks at the money, brings out 10k and add to it because she feels the money is too small. That was when he saw that what his mother did was wrong.

      Me and MIL have gone back to being best of friends, but i doubt we can live together ever again.

      One thing i did was that in all of the things happening, I didnt fight with hubby. I will just let him see/hear everything happening and leave him to judge. Good thing is he had a conscience that pricked him. i told him i deserve to be happy in my house and with everything happening i was miserable.

      Funniest thing was she ran from her own house and move to our house because of her own MIL (i.e my husband’s paternal grandmother) and she still had to be mean and wicked.

      I cant even finish relating what i went through cos it was horrible. i will stop here and not bore you with my essay

    • honey omo lekki

      August 18, 2015 at 8:52 am

      *The 4 and half bed cannot take 2 people*

    • Magz

      August 18, 2015 at 9:45 am

      WOW! Just wow! Thank God for you.

      I agree with you…..familiarity brings contempt

    • Magz

      August 18, 2015 at 10:01 am

      Hi Toyosi, please do not accept. Please! Yorubas have a saying…….”okeere ni ore ti dun mo” (friendship is very sweet from a distance). Like Honey said, familiarity breeds contempt.
      Once you start living with her, you will start seeing characters in her that you don’t like and vice versa.
      I have promised myself that not even my mother will stay permanently with me when I get married. Family members living with couple is recipe for disaster

  40. vivadrew

    August 17, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    Me, I’m just me. Vividly remember the 1st day DH took me home after a wedding we attended. Was cladded in long mermaid style ankara tube gown. Who cares afterall, I was taking the relationship with slow strides, so if my shoulder, chest and back are bare..Can’t and won’t pretend just so to please an anyone. But right now her elder sis seems an ish trust myself, I mind my biz and careless and pray more against bad belle IL. And oh DH is a no nonsense Man…(Do not interfer in my family issue). MIL presently doing omuogo and I’m just me, take or vexed.

  41. justanothergirl

    August 17, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    Gheez reading all these SIL and MIL stories I keep wondering if my family is strange or something lol. or maybe we are just too westernized the women married into my family (two at the moment) are treated like they were born into the family my mum has never asked my SIL to do something that she would never ask me to do. Infact when they come home they are like visitors we my sis and i still do they kitchen duty they usually come in and help but it is not expected of them or anything like that after all before our brothers married them we handled the kitchen and other chores just fine. My mum will be in the kitchen cooking and us kids SIL included will be in the living room gisting she will only call us to help in setting up the table. As in sometimes i even forget that they are not my blood sisters. We respected them from the get go and they in turn respected us I am even older than one of them sef but you wold never know as in I don’t expect jack from her. These stories sound like something from a Nollywood script na wa!

    • Magz

      August 18, 2015 at 9:43 am

      Your family must be one of the very few that are accommodating…believe me.

      On a lighter note, do you have any brother/male cousin that is 27-35ish and still single??? Mbok help a sister out 😀

  42. busbus

    August 17, 2015 at 10:27 pm

    Story of my life.I just had to comment today for the first time.I met my MIL even before my husband,and we hit it off right there,she introduced me to bobo and she didn’t interfere st all.fast forward to my marriage of less than 2 years,kai my in-laws are so controlling ,they make all the decisions in my home,to make matters worse my husband is in a far away state fighting this boko haram palava,he believes whatever he is told and he supports them but this year I decided to take my own decisions when they brought a 23yr old maid into my home who was devlish and so disrespectful,any little thing the girl was always right,I became the witch and bad wife, but at this point I didn’t care anymore ,I sent the maid away after enduring for 5 months,guess what?…let me not drop too many hints before people will know who I am.lol.above all they are caring,nice but too controlling and manipulative.I know one day my husband will break free from the control of my MIL and protect me from thei torment..the lessons I learned are 1. Please keep your distance,be scare before see finish syndrome go enter am 2. Be in good terms with your hubby 3. Be prayerful 4. Don’t pay attention to all they say,high bp is real 5. Be happy and be real,don’t pretend.. Sorry for my long epistle and please ignore all errors

  43. Tolu

    August 18, 2015 at 8:35 am

    I have to comment under another name before a cousin reads this and reports me to my grandma.

    Don’t get me wrong, i love my grandma like crazy, she fought for my mum against my ad’s relatives and all but she was very nasty to my uncle’s wife – a perfect example of very good mother but terrible MIL. Unfortunately for my uncle’s wife, she married the first son of the family and one who listens to everything his mother says!

    There was nothing she didn’t blame the wife for, even when my uncle became a serial cheat! I watched the woman who fought my dad for trying to cheat on my mum (trying to cheat o), tell my aunt off for reporting her husband. My grandma that would happily eat akara that was prepared with machine-milled beans in our house, would go to my uncle’s house and demand that my uncle’s wife used grinding stone to mill the beans. It continued for a while (despite pleas from my mum and my aunt that she stop) until one day i asked her if she would like my future MIL to be the same way she is to my uncle’s wife. Unfortunately for my grandma, she expected support from her other children and her grandchildren but nobody supported her.

    That was the day she started calming down. This was what her second son saw and decided that he wasn’t going to marry from the same tribe, he used to say to her “it is when you can communicate to my wife that you would intimidate her. By the time i marry from another tribe, i would eliminate that. Thank God you can’t speak English”. We would used to think it was a joke until he got married to a very nice lady from another tribe, my grandma doesn’t even bother spending more than 2 days at his house……lol!

  44. Magz

    August 18, 2015 at 9:40 am

    My first bf’s family were so kind to me….we never met but it was as if we had known one another from a previous life. His sisters would call me and we would gist. The same thing with his mum……it was just a pity that we are both AS 🙁

    Second bf’s family………..very nice as well. Met with them, tried to be myself and i liked them. I’m still friends with the younger brother despite the fact that we’re no more together.

    One thing is sure; all those “let me help you wash” etc will not happen. If i go to visit and see the mother in the kitchen cooking, i will definitely offer to do something like wash plates but to decide to go and ask if there are clothes i can help her wash? Mba! I don’t even do that with my mum. I believe so much in the statement “respect is reciprocal”. The level of respect you give me is what i will give you. You disrespect me, i won’t even waste my time on you, i will be so indifferent that you will doubt your own existence. One thing is sure tho; no mother (MIL or my own mother o) will come to visit me and hubby and decide to enter into my kitchen to cook for my husband, except i cannot cook at that moment.

    Nonetheless, i pray for a very good family to marry into. I always tell my mother that i’ll make sure i settle down somewhere she will think several times before visiting and she always thinks I’m joking.

  45. Olam

    August 18, 2015 at 10:29 am

    I am late but i Would still drop my epistle-my issue is with my prospective sis-in- law (psil), never met her but we talk nd Chat. My younger sister has met her and describes her as a nice but nosey person. I told her il form my opinion of her on my own. The opportunity arose when my brother met a guy through her he liked the guy and told me about him, said he’ll Like me to meet him maybe we could start a relationship, i said it was fine but il prefer bbm instead of giving the guy my number and that was how psil came into the picture, she was the one who gave the guy my bbm pin and proceeded to monitor the relationship, always asking questions, when the relationship didn’t work she lectured me on how when guys want something they want it fast fast and how I Shouldn’t give the guy attitude, I told her off.
    She is meeting my family next month and my mum dislikes Her cos of her tribe, I am the one fighting her cause, telling my mum not to judge her based on tribe
    but her sticking her foot in my business, il never accept that.

  46. Tru

    August 18, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Just like I’d asked. What is with the vicious cycle (“My MIL was wicked to me so i too will be wicked to my DIL” #MonsterInLawTheMovie)

  47. women are women's problem

    August 18, 2015 at 11:48 am

    My question after reading all these are as follows?

    1. Who are these inlaws? Are they special beings from another planet?
    2. Who are these sister-in-laws? Are they from another country or continent?
    3. Who are these mother-in-laws? Are they aliens? Do they exist out of the visible?
    4. You ladies here on BN, make up the SILs and grow up to become MILs, and your mothers are the MILs
    5. You all have bad stories to tell about yourselves.
    6. You all need to change!

    Women are women’s problem!

  48. divea

    August 18, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    hmmmmm…..in-laws palava. I do dread it and wonder sometimes how my married girlfriends pulled through. Anyways, i’ve learnt so much from this thread and i will definitely put all that i’ve learnt to good use when that time comes. I’m so going to be myself.

  49. girlie

    August 18, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    hmm! i have never pretended with my inlaws sha, but m sure they are just tired. i dont do anything when i go there except cleaning the room in which we are in, if they like they should not give me food sef, i dont mind, i rarely talk to them…it ends at how are u?the kids etc i just learnt the hard way, they are not ur parents or siblings so dont expect them to treat u like one of them, when u know that u cant be hurt. m sure because of my husband they cant even complain…in general prayers, i hear them talk about me directly, pls help Girlie to love us, to be close to us, to be a mom in this family etc they will be alright!!!

    • honey omo lekki

      August 18, 2015 at 5:36 pm

      lol @ pls help Girlie to love us, to be close to us, to be a mom in this family

  50. princexx

    August 18, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    We women are the architect + contractors of our own problems, this topic was the discussion I had just yesterday! You are dating le boo, you carry urself to maybe MIlL pack all her utensils, clothes, every every” de wash, ohk ooo, now you are laying a foundation and singing a song “am a hardworker”, that one no do carry le boo siblings clothes de wash, 2moro u would still be d one shouting see finish”. Most of us also are bad DIL’s, am a woman who has seen both sides, seen the rise n fall of many MILs and DILs. The best advice to a single woman is this, just like atoke: be real”. No pretence, we go as far as spending our hard earned money to impress maybe MIL, what if the marriage works out & u begin to suffer financial setback, MIL would give u Problems of cox she has married my son & u would complain MIL is not understanding? Shuuuu na d foundation wey u set b dat. Am a moderate person, u act good, we stay good! U do anyhow, u see anyhow! I go show d person d extraordinary in EDO. It boils down to this I can’t displease myself to please whoever. If u nor like am, waka ur own. This is even one of the reason most folks loves me to death, they always like can’t u just pretend to like it”, oga nor vex, am not comfortable in that skin. We women lay our own foundations, na leg wey u carry dem go carry follow u, simple as Abc, I nor fit shout, & as 4 d natural bad MIL, madam u never see who reach u. Don’t pretend, u are either accepted or not

  51. Ifeyinwa Mic

    August 18, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    I was born and raised in the US (dad’s naija) and my mom always wanted to meet my boyfriends when I still lived in her house. Dad was a bit more traditional in that regard and only met one boyfriend that i was serious about (that relationship ended). Now I am in a very serious relationship and the boo and I are talking about getting married eventually. He has already met my mom and sisters informally. It wasn’t a huge deal. I simply had a BBQ at my place and invited my family over during a wknd the boo was in town. Everyone got along and no one pretended to be anyone else. When it came time to meet my dad, things went well. We went over to my dad’s house and stayed the night (in separate rooms, of course). It helped that the bf’s family is also from Anambra and really close to my dad’s village. They knew mutual families and has a lot to talk about. I’ve met the bf’s sisters, and we all get along great, but have yet to meet his parents. He tried to set up a meeting but his mother was having NONE of that. His parents are waaaaay more traditional than my dad and only want to meet me when his son has decided that i am the one he will marry. At first, my American self was a bit offended but i have to respect their decision. Quite honestly I am a bit relieved that I won’t have to meet them right away. His mother is a WORRIER! This woman can worry for Africa and it can make her a bit controlling. I’m already trying to figure out how our relationship will be when the boo and I get married (God willing). He’s the only son and the apple of his mother eye (vomit), so I know that the expectations will be unfairly high. I comfort myself by saying that I will cross that bridge when I get there. Honestly, it is only the MIL that i worry about because I hear so many horror stories. Also, my bf is a bit of a mama’s boy so I pray that the MIL and I have no disagreements that would make it hard on him. Again, will cross that bridge eventually.

  52. Dee

    August 18, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    I had to come back to comment- I think a third time (!!!!) on this post.

    1. At the end of the day, it is important as human beings to always work on being the best version of ourselves everyday!!! every moment as much as you can. Apparently it takes only 21 days to develop a good habit- so start practicing how to be a nicer, friendlier, more helpful person, and you will be surprised how more amazing people become to you- this helps in every relationship!!! with your parents, spouse and THE IN-LAWS too. As several people have pointed out, we are the sister, mother, brother-in-laws, so if everyone can commit and put effort in being more respectful and good to other people, we would see a huge change in our relationships and nation as a whole. I know someone who is LAZY, PLAIN LAZY- she got away with it in her own family until she got married- her laziness was to the point of being inconsiderate. Should she then take every person in the husband’s family as her enemy cos they were not having none of that? She learnt to step up to her life and duties when there was no forthcoming help later. Maybe she is one of those typing “accept me as I am”, but what about also changing bad, stupid or silly habits. These same ideals are breaking up homes, where people think spouses should accept them flaws and all- yes, we hear you- but how beautiful would it be to see you making an attempt to be a better person? All of you talking about not entering the kitchen while your potential MIL is slaving away to cook will come back and complain that Nigerian men don’t help with house duties. How can they, when we are so hung up on roles, instead of being more helpful and human (and teaching that to the next generation- male and female alike)?

    2. Also, self-reflection is a great thing- some parents/siblings have not done half the things that parents/siblings-in-law have done, and we continue being patient or we don’t disown them or “keep our distance”. (Although I am not sure if that’s a good thing or not cos of the level abuse some have had to go through in the name of family.) However, my point is, I believe there is no brokenness prayers and a good attitude cannot change. Some even already have a plan about how to “give space” if they don’t get the respect they think they deserve smh. All I’m saying is, do some self-reflection too .

    Nevertheless, after you have done all you can, seek help if needed and take a stand against abuse, as necessary. Blessings

  53. marie

    August 18, 2015 at 10:54 pm

    Nobody should love me like their own daughter mbok. I’ will be me, do my best, respect my in-law’s. I can cook and clean, but I won’t do it in a pretentious way…it all goes with my mood. No need for faking

  54. Sewa

    August 19, 2015 at 6:49 am

    Recently met my to be father-in-law and Uncle (based in the UK) who came to visit his son from Nigeria for a few days.
    I had been talking to both the mum and dad over the phone and they have been nice over the phone so I was really looking forward to meeting him.
    I had a time table of food to prepare for him for the one and half days I was going to be spending with him at my boy friends place and even list of activities for him to do to make his stay interesting which includes a Spa day for him and his son.
    The day finally came and to start with he was accommodating and relaxed after a bowl of fish pepper soup followed by pounded yam and efo riro.
    The following day, the Uncle arrived and initially started complaining about things in the house that he took it up upon himself to re-arrange the living room in my presence and asked for my opinion after it was all done whether I liked it or not to which I replied “o nice sir”.
    I later served the uncle poundo which he did he only wanted a little but ended up finishing 2 wraps after loads of complaints about how spicy the vegetable stew was.
    As if that wasn’t enough, the father later told me not to call him by his name even though we went to the same secondary school and happen to be in the same set. Friendship of over 20years.

  55. Sewa

    August 19, 2015 at 6:59 am

    According to to be father in law, his mum and younger sisters won’t like it if I call him by his name.
    The thing is when I exchange messages or talk to my boyfriend, we call ourselves different names from sweety to more but I see no reason why someone should tell me what to call him.
    My father in law also complained about how I served him and looked disgusted that I didn’t put all the meat in a separate bowl Nd lol that palace.
    He also complained to the son that I didn’t cook fish soup even after cooking fish pepper soup, efo toro with bolo to and loads of others, goat meat, lamb and turkey stew.
    I was brought up I. A home where everyone is close and my dad is so down to earth we talk about everything.
    I haven’t even met the mum and siblings and already thinking of their medieval school of thought and how difficult it will be getting married into this family.
    I love my boyfriend but I don’t want problems for myself I am already thinking of breaking up with him because he can’t stand up to his family and o don’t want to cause issues between them.

    • Personal Signature

      August 19, 2015 at 10:01 am

      Sewa, i am sorry to read this from you.

      1. The man is not entitled to all you did. You did it out of your own volition and he should be appreciative.

      2. The main task falls on your bf. He should stand up for you and correct any family bias against you.

      3. If your man is good for you and its just his family issues, you might want to have a talk with him,

      4. many parents believe a girl is coming to enjoy the labour of their son. If they see what you are made off and what you have going on for yourself, this will change their opinion

      5. There is nothing wrong in calling him by name except if there are some hidden tradition your man hasn’t told you about.

      6. All in all, keep calm. If you love yourselves, take it to God in prayers, let him stand up for you and in as much as it is good to be friendly to in-laws, a small gap/distance is required to keep your marriage working.

      Hugs dear

  56. alwayshappy

    August 19, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    In laws oh out laws oh , you are the one with the power to set the P from Day 1.

    Hian whether na meet the parents, or meet the friends, or invite the friends over all na the same. If you tango with a people pleaser who is not loyal to you, you are OYO. Forget about what manner of man allows others to dim his Queen, faults, flaws and all, what manner of KING allows subjects or ariwo oja to carry agenda to his wife on their name calling ritual for siblings. Agbero wey carry hin load( aka wife) with pride and confidence, who has got anything on him. No one. That’s all i go say. Everyone even society benefits from a man or woman who is firm, secure and actively seeks healthy boundaries that allow “all” to thrive.

  57. Alem

    August 20, 2015 at 11:20 am

    While some in laws can have outrageous demands from their daughter/son in laws I believe it takes understanding from both sides to have a cordial relationship. So many people have been saying they will not impress but they will be ‘themselves’ on meeting the inlaws. I believe there is a thin line between being yourself and being polite. For instance would you just sit if your potential female in laws are all working in the name of being yourself? Imagine you are the sister and your brothers potential wife acts that way would you think it’s cool? No one is asking that you cook up a storm but at least make an effort and offer to help. That’s being polite and considerate not forming. Remember you will also be an SIL/MIL and think if you will be cool with your DIL doing what you are doing now. Second I totally advocate for keeping space between inlaws to prevent see finish its human nature for the best people to disrespect you if they see u finish. Last do not involve yourself in family affairs be it your spouse family or your siblings family. For instance my brother’s wife has never bothered to offer me water whenever I come to their house to the extent that my brother had to tell her to give us something the last time I came. This is the person that I always buy things for the kids yet she never tganks me nor buys anything for my kids. Rather than confront her or my brother I believe the simple solution is to stay away from their house.
    So my two cents is its not just about being yourself also remember to be polite and note that one day you would also be in the same position. So apply tact with wisdom.

  58. mia

    September 2, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    @Alem, we must share the same sister-in-law. while it is good to be yourself, it is extremely important that you are your good self. my brother’s wife is extremely lazy and self absorbed. she doesn’t say thank you for gifts and she expected my mum to do everything in the house when she had their 2nd baby while she watched telemundo. we just asked my mum to leave and she has said all she owes them is her prayers and calls. while some in-laws can be overbearing, some ladies too no dey try.

  59. Duchess_ibkgeorge

    September 15, 2015 at 8:43 am

    Story of my life.My EX-Fiance Mum hated me for no reason. I was shopping for my court wedding gown (Because we planned doing the court wedding first then Church wedding in Nigeria) when Monster In law kept calling me to threaten me.Leave my son alone for me! You have used juju for my son!My son loves you more. This was a woman who was already biased without meeting me (She saw my pictures on Facebook and told her son -Ha this girl is too plain.She’s not pretty! -apparently she wanted a Lagos Island Isale Eko ‘Yorubatic’ wife for her son ( No offence am Yoruba too ).When she meet me in person the first word she said was “Ha I didn’t know you this pretty !(SMH) . Lots of drama that I kept quiet all through.I saw all the signs but the son was such a loving caring man.

    At the end ,MIL said she will kill herself and my Ex said well everybody hates my mum in the family and am the only one she has.I have to strong for her and my people that was how engagement ended.

    Long story mehnn… Super Story .Sometimes when I think about it it makes me really sad (Would probably be preggos with my third baby now .LOL) but hey Gods time is the best.Funny with all the past super story MIL wahala saga I still want a Mother in law and I pray everyday for good ,Godly in -laws.It’s not alone to Pray for the right Spouse,In laws too should be included in the prayer point.

  60. Duchess_ibkgeorge

    September 15, 2015 at 8:44 am

    be*

  61. chee

    September 28, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    Cyber hugs dearie! Don’t bother ur little head,thank God that woman showed her true colours rather than show u pepper with drama when u marry her ‘gold’.beta a broken relationship than a broken marriage,u won’t want to go mad cos of inlaw wahala or start taking anti depressants in this short life! Ur man will come for u dear…….onto the next one lol

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