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Onyinye O: Now You Like Him, Now You Don’t!

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A lot of times, you hear people say “he’s not the person I used to know; he changed”! “I don’t know what happened, she just changed”! At other times, the blame isn’t put on anyone at all, so you actually hear “things changed!”

So what does this statement mean? Or should the question be, how does this even happen? Very recently, I was having a conversation with a very close friend of mine and this came up. We dwelt on it for so long and he just kept asking, what do people really mean by this “change” thing? Well, being the person I always get to be, I tried to explain this (from my point of view of course).

Ok. So I’ll paint a picture with Miss and Mr Right.
Miss Right has always had dreams. For her career, she’s always wanted to be her own boss someday. She’s also always dreamed of having a family; for her, the perfect bae and hubby (eventually), would be a tall, light skinned, cute handsome guy who always looks dapper, has a good command of English, err, let’s say all definitions of hot! Fast forward years down the line, she meets who she is convinced is her Mr Right. Well, apparently, he has to a large extent, what she’s always wanted. She eventually accepts there is nothing perfect but, he is close to perfect in her eyes so she’ll have him.

They kick off wonderfully. They start off with friendship first and then, as time passes, she falls in love with him and he falls in love with her too. Their friends begin to envy their relationship; people see them and go “aww, too cute”. You know that perfect couple? Yes, that’s them. 4 years pass by and her friends begin to say to her “I’ll be on your bridal train o”, “ah ah, how far aso ebi now?”, but for what it’s worth, there are a lot of things going on internally which these friends know close to nothing about.

So Miss Right has been dating Mr Right and she’s began to discover him as a person a lot more. She’s also learning to accept him for who he really is. The problem now is, just when 3 years had passed, things changed between them. Now, Mr Right seems to be “different” in her eyes. A lot of things he does just seems to be annoying to her, she feels bored in the relationship, she no longer longs to talk to him every single day and she just wants to quit! Ok ok. I’m sure some of you might be thinking this isn’t reasonable but Miss Right can argue it is. So, she’ll tell you, I’m not as excited anymore. I’m tired of this routine lives we now both live. I talk to him because I have no other choice.

Valid argument? Maybe not. But she isn’t even done telling you her the problems. “We don’t discuss deep things, we just have basic conversations”; “he seems to think he’s always right, hence, I have little say. I don’t even bother to argue over certain things with him anymore, for me, it’s a waste of valuable time cause he hardly sees my point”, “I thought he was the one but I doubt it now”; “he always wants me to do what he now wants and he’s forgotten it’s my life-he tells me, don’t wear that, you’ll attract attention instead wear this cause I love it on you (and in my head I’m thinking, what if I don’t love it on me?), I don’t like the fact that you’ve got that personas a friend, this and that”. It’s just frustrating. I no longer feel the spark between us anymore! I don’t talk to him like a friend anymore; I talk to him as “we are in a relationship”. Sometimes, I sit and wonder if it all happened too quickly, but I don’t feel that way. Was our initial friendship fake then? Worst of, he doesn’t seem to think or believe there’s an issue. He thinks I’m just acting up and it’ll pass.
I’ve tried talking. Nothing! I’ve drooped salient hints. Nothing! You know, one thing that stands out for me as a big issue is he just cannot realise that since we’ve been together, time has passed and I’m trying to be a better person daily. Ok, take for example, my career. He cares less about it. Sometimes he’ll say I have a good paying job others wish for but no! I’m thinking of the future and not just “the now”. What really hit me is, recently, we were talking and do you know what he said to me? He said, “Baby, you’ve changed o! Please bring back the person I feel in love with” and I sit there wondering what in the world he’s talking about. Of course I’ve changed; I’ve evolved. Now here’s another problem, he’s also changed and he can’t even figure that out. You know, I wish I could spell this out straight but I just cannot… And then she’ll apologise to you for taking your time or ranting.

An inquisitive person would ask, (maybe you wouldn’t but I guess I will – especially if I’m regarded a friend) “so do you think you could successfully build that family you’ve always wanted with him? If he asked you to marry him right now, would you?”
She’ll say, of course I will. Why wouldn’t I? I’m not sure I could get anyone as good as him anyway. Don’t mind me and all these things I’ve been saying o. It’s not that much of a big deal. We can surely work around it cause we are already doing that.

I don’t know about you but I will ask one last question: 10 years down the line, do you see yourself living an exciting and truly happy life with him and you both having truly deep talks or would it just be a convenient life which you’ll just take fulfilment in by saying to yourself “I’m married with kids. I’ve got a family and that’s what counts. And you both just live as married normal people? Then she might get silent and say after a long pause, “convenient” is the word. That’s what I can see. I don’t know how we got here; he’s just changed a lot. Things have really changed. Perhaps, it’s his real person that’s coming out?

This is just one of many many possible stories about change out there. Changes happen to everyone. One question related that I keep asking is who says there’s never “better” out there? This “there might be no better mentality” happens a lot- with relationships, friendships and even our everyday jobs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying leave that job, or abandon that friendship you’ve brewed for years, or jump out of that relationship or just carry on with life like certain things never happened. All I’m saying is, be true to yourself. This “change” in question, is it permanent? Can anything be done to remedy the situation? Is this a change that is for good?

Does this change bring out the realness of this person or you at that job? Does this change mean you’ll also have to change too? Does this change give you reasons to be a better person? Or does this change just a pointer you should move on with your life and hope you find better?

Let’s have a conversation on this. Hopefully my friend stumbles on this sometime and gets some more insight. So please, drop your comments below.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Paul Hakimata

Onyinye is a media junkie, beauty enthusiast, realist and aspiring team fitfam champion who glides through life believing that every experience is a learning curve. When she's not working, reading or sleeping, she's constantly typing away on her computer. Get interactive with her. Email: [email protected] Twitter : @theonyinye. Instagram: @beautifulonyinye_.

38 Comments

  1. Psychic

    September 2, 2015 at 4:58 pm

    what always always always helps me walk away when I’m in doubt is when i ask myself this question *if he goes on his knees and asks me to marry him now,will i be soooo filled with glee and joyfully say YES,this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with? If the answer is NO,I’m out; i don’t even bother confusing myself about who or what caused change.

  2. AlabamaUncut Blog

    September 2, 2015 at 5:07 pm

    God bless this writer.

  3. ananymous

    September 2, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    I have been in a relationship for like 9 months, I never knew that my guy was fooling me with lies thought before I accepted I made it clear I want to know everything he agrees later on he is changing I complain he never change as am talking right now I quite the relationship without him knowing he so much believe I love him that I cant dump him am heartbroken but life have to go on a man who has another woman with a baby I cought him and he is still lying and denying after all I have went through with him within the few months of relationship we have been together, i had the opportunity of talking with the baby mama she told me everything we ave been together that he has told her I was shocked what am I trying to say i am dreaming and working on my career and planning on our future together with him he is there telling his baby mama and his friends that am just his close friend. can u imagine

    • AlabamaUncut Blog

      September 2, 2015 at 6:12 pm

      Hmmm! Truly, hell is empty. The agents are here on earth. Sorry lady, the one for you a.k.a Mr. ‘Truly Yours’ is on the way.

  4. KRISTEN

    September 2, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    this writer has really write what concerns me.

    • amon

      September 2, 2015 at 6:15 pm

      this no be english

    • amom

      September 2, 2015 at 6:19 pm

      nawa? this be english?

  5. mz bliss

    September 2, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Na wa o

  6. Nonye

    September 2, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    @BellaNaija, please the picture you put up is indecent. Couldn’t you have found a better picture? For crying out loud, her breasts are on display.

    • Taiwo

      September 2, 2015 at 6:15 pm

      Lmaooooo!!! Dem carry serious matter put for elders to discuss, you dey talk about bress
      Abeg, gii better relevant comment wey consain mata wey dey ground or GERRARAHIA MAHN!!!!!

  7. nelly girl

    September 2, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    I am engaged but I am not sure I want to marry him. I really liked him and we can gist for Africa, we are like siblings,He is everything a woman would want in life but I don’t feel any excitement. I think of a wedding with him and i am afraid. I wish I could run away. Friends and Family are all asking me not to let a good thing pass me by but I don’t know what to do. I wish I could just feel a spark. I have snooped, I have searched hoping to see something but he is as clean as he can be..I wish we were not engaged, I wish I could come up with a valid reason, i wish he will stop accepting my explanation that I don’t know if I love him or not, I wish he will read the writing on the wall, I wish above all things that I can feel some spark for him, some kind of excitement, I wish it didn’t have to be mechanical…I wish it would be all alright……

    • dupe

      September 2, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      You are so meeeee! This is me and my current boyfriend. I feel no spark whatsoever and he is such a great guy! Faultless and amazing!

    • nene

      September 2, 2015 at 8:19 pm

      i i can relate. but i think u should try to be more adventurous with him and if u still don’t feel anything, maybe u should end it. but you know, the spark comes and goes sometimes.

    • Onye

      September 2, 2015 at 10:12 pm

      This is how I feel for the guy I’m with right now. On paper he is perfect, but in my heart, there is no spark. I’m not even attracted to him at all.

    • Day

      September 2, 2015 at 11:12 pm

      Dear i feel the same. Sometimes i wish God can just step down and tell me this is the perfect choice and i should not miss it..

      I think fairy tales have taken over our minds that we do not realize that we are humans and not some super heroes. We just find ourselves wanting more

      Most people who we find excited about marriage……… i don’t know how to explain that tho.

    • www.ruthdulacblog.com

      September 3, 2015 at 9:33 am

      it will be alright but it can’t unless you tell him. Don’t marry him if you don’t feel that excitement. What others say are basically their opinion. Be honest to yourself and him. Call him out, sit him down and talk to him. let him know. this is my advice and I wish you the very best Nelly girl.

    • Dee

      September 3, 2015 at 4:52 pm

      Hi nelly girl
      I am in such a situation right now.
      Me n Mr C could gist for Africa. We got along so well that my sister had to complain about the way we got along. She said I don’t laugh with my boyfriend on the phone as much as I laughed with Mr. C.
      Babe, I wouldn’t lie to you. I asked myself if I could scream a loud YES if he eventually popped the question. And I screamed a loud NO.
      Right now, I contacted. Mr. C, told him we have to meet up. And when we do, I will summon courage from God knows where and tell him to reduce his calls and all. Let him off easy, let him understand that there’s no spark. His head is in a different place mine is in a different place.

    • Mira

      September 16, 2015 at 11:49 am

      I will tell you the truth about having a ‘spark’ … If u don’t feel any spark for him, then it’s probably becos there is someone else in the picture that you spark for. Lol… Anyway… Just tell him the truth. He will appreciate it than marrying someone who doesn’t love him. Av been there too… Guy was every woman’s dream. But I sat him down and told him to give me more time after which I later told him that I don’t feel that spark for him. He understood and we walked our separate ways… I still miss him cos he was a gud friend but I don’t regret marrying him. I am not one of those that advocates marriage first and then start learning to love. Nope! Love first, understanding second… Every other thing can fall in place later with this two.

  8. TILL YOU GET THERE

    September 2, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    1.Why is the whole article targeted at the men folk? You think it is only the men that change? FYI, everyone changes!

    2. Every relationship is unique cos it consists of unique actors/individuals. No two relationships are the same. Stop acting like a know it all

    3. Relationship is for the matured/adult mind. You people should stop sending fellow naive girls to status quo. They are matured enough to know what is best for them. Any one who comes online for advice or looking for pity party to know what to do isnt matured enough to start a relationship anyway.

    4. You can date all the men in the world and marry at 50 all in the name of ***there is someone better out there***. By the time you are 35, you must have shared your life with so many strangers

    5. Talk is cheap. When you are married, you will understand what change is and then you can come back and write.

    @ Nonye, guys are always dressed up while girls look trashy. Later they will say men are objectifying them. Till they get it right.

  9. kim kim

    September 2, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Nelly girl, wise up and take control of your life break up the relationship if u no longer love him. Dont make a brutal mistake. Forget about friends and family, they won’t be the one to live with him

  10. brown-ice

    September 2, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    I’m in this on-off relationship with my bf for more than 5 years now. I notice always that whenever we have a disagreement, he won’t call or answer my calls for weeks or months-thats when the break starts, he only does when he’s satisfied with his selfish ego and I so hate that. It happened again recently but I just had a deep thought and concluded that if we get married, is this how he’ll leave home for days or weeks just because he doesn’t want to talk to me? The decision wasn’t easy cuz I do love him but I just have to grow out of it. This isn’t a matter of ‘change’ thingy per say cuz he’s always done this but rather, its an Eye-opener for me. My 2 cents, perhaps the signs have always been there but we choose to ignore it and hope things would ‘change’ for the better.

    • Sandra

      September 3, 2015 at 11:01 am

      Was in a similar situation but it turned out dat he ensured we fight and then keep to himself cos he was in anoda relationship. i saw all d signs but was soooooo in love i chose to ignore until i had a chat with d other lady. Its a lesson though, once i hav any issues with my partner it must be resolved immediately before i carry last again.

  11. zeal

    September 2, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    Omg this is a great write up and I just see myself in it. I have know this guy for the past 10years as friends. we finally decided to take it to the alter. We finished couselling sef . Our families are all aware of our intentions but all of a sudden the spark just vanished. We dont even know what to talk abt when we are talk. No deep discussions. Just how are u. Am fine then the basics. This is really getting to me and I feel we rushed into this commitment

  12. Bebi

    September 2, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    So,im in this relationship with this guy for over 2years now, amazing guy,he will break head for me. We actually started dating over the phone and he just seemed like answered prayers,but about 6 months into the relationship,i realized he has anger issues,whenever he is angry,he will say all sorts of crap (he has called me dumb, disrespectful,stupid….there was a day i was on a call with an old friend and i missed his calls,he said i was an ‘ashewo’ ,that women don’t keep male friends, as i was honest to tell him who i was on the phone with) and ofcos comes back to apologize.he would get angry and go on and on about issues. We finally saw some months again .he has been a good guy,supports me with everything possible,but then this anger thing just drives me nuts. I told him my fears and told him to gimme some time cos i had lost it, i mean his attitude just takes me back every time. he won’t stop calling me and keeps reminding me of how we started and d plans we have for the future,but then i tell him ,you were not like this then. he is promising heaven n earth…but mehn,’the signs’..do ppl really change. and truth is i don’t even see my life marrying him again. he has shattered my self esteem too much

    • Tosin

      September 3, 2015 at 8:42 am

      i saw the first line “break his head for me” and thought of Bruno Mars’ psycho (or what some would simply call ‘in love’) character in that catch a grenade for you song. why should somebody break a fingernal, or a hand, let alone a head, for anybody? is this all some kind of mental illness?

      apparently there is more…let me read.

    • biko runn!

      September 3, 2015 at 11:43 am

      Please flee and DONT ever look back. He has no respect for you and clearly is emotionally immature.
      I dated that kind of human. Would call me names when we disagree and he could be so angry he’d shout so strongly @ me. He never beat me but honestly if I married him, with his uncontrollable rage, he was sure gonna pound me.
      Don’t ever make excuses for such. Anger lies in the bosom of fools.
      Darling flee! U deserve better!

  13. mz Folu

    September 2, 2015 at 10:13 pm

    Change really is one things that is inevitable in a relationship however the case of relatnshp may be. It’s important that we carry each other along career wise and all ramification. That way we don’t tend to outgrow our partner. I just got married 2months ago and a night to our court wedding I almost ran away; felt he wasn’t the Mr Right.There was no one to say ds to, ofcourse they wud av sed I was crazy. All I could do was pray in tears. Mmehnn I was already thinnkn of divorcing him after a year to avoid shame at least for us to go on with the court wedding. But somehow God just took control.. I am married to the best Man ever is all I can say now. Back to the question; change happens; if u can’t picture ur spouse growing with u, then u nid to to rethink

  14. Jack

    September 2, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    I will like to add my own little piece. Ladies and Gentlemen, at every point in everyone’s relationship there was a spark, and that spark is just the feeling of something new, it does not necessarily mean that when the spark is no more, that the awesomeness is gone. It just means that you have grown from the initial stage to a more realistic stage. This and more will be clearer to you when you get into a marriage and you have bigger distractions than just a spark. These distractions include kids, bills, and holding a family together till the point that you forget to even make love and probably have it once every 2 weeks.( For those having it good).
    I want to drop a little advice for writers and bloggers to please not mislead or indirectly conclude based on people’s experiences just because it seems they are reading the situation correctly and influence others in making a wrong decision they will regret in the near future. There is nothing like a fairy tale marriage in real life, life comes with sacrifices and objectivity. I will like to stop here, but before then, I think it is worth mentioning that this new type of dream-chasing humans we are turning into without a little touch of reality will lead us nowhere as a people.

  15. Papacy

    September 3, 2015 at 1:10 am

    It’s worse when you are in a relationship with someone who is unable to express himself/herself. If you can’t talk about it with your partner then you have a problem.

  16. Tosin

    September 3, 2015 at 8:38 am

    better than fiction…this was fun to read.

  17. Rude gal

    September 3, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    My last relationship was with somone I didn’t have a connection with. It was a sex-free rshp, although there was cuddling & kissing.. I think what helped prolong that rshp was the distance btw the two of us. We just talk and chat once in a while, can’t say I miss him when we’re apart. We could stay a week wtout evn talking on phone. Tried to come closer, stayed at his place for about 3 months (job seeking while doing some contract jobs), but we were like roommates. He comes back from work, eat & sleep. we almost never had time to talk about issues. I complain & twas like I was nagging. Dude still didn’t want to adjust. The ‘”friendship” wasn’t there. we never hung out more than thrice in the entire rshp. He’ll rather give me cash to hang out with my girlfriend. When we manage to hang out, he would always look at his time. . In my 3 months of staying there, I noticed some personal annoying stuff he does. Poor personal hygiene being NO 1. Dude wouldn’t change his boxers till i ask him to (he could wear one for 4 days)..damn it! had to buy even more for him just in case he had shortage. Changed most of his stuff. I explained some habits he could adopt. Dude never his privates till we met (not exaggerating). I had to buy scissors & shaving stick, sat him down & helped him shave (that was his first time according to him)… For him to take his bath in the evenings, i have to playfully drag him to the bathroom myself…and so many more.. Dude was in his mid-30s!!!!!. He was generally a nice person but mehnnn i couldn’t cope with the internal issues anymore. He almost went crazy when i left him. God knows I tried my best. Never did the things i did for him for any other person sha.. long story my people…. Can’t say I miss that rshp tho. Wish i could meet smone that’ll appreciate & build urselves together (FRIENDSHIP).

    • Rude gal

      September 3, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      ***Dude never shaved his privates till I met him..

    • Dolly O

      September 3, 2015 at 1:02 pm

      Hmm interesting…. a sex free relationship where you help him shave his privates ??…Is this zobo for all of us or are you the only one jonsing on it >>

    • Another Dolly oo

      September 3, 2015 at 5:15 pm

      I had to change my username for this one. Lol, you’d be amazed. There must have been heavy petting sha.
      “Any which way”, if only I could exchange all these chemistry/spark/flow/connection I have in my situationship now for a good man who is emotionally-available. I’m not belittling people’s emotion oo but that chemistry is overrated and makes you unreasonable. Maybe you’re better without?

  18. Jhennique

    September 3, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    OKAY GUYS, CAN YOU JUST TAKE A PAUSE RIGHT HERE ON THIS COMMENT.
    Noticed how everyone complaining about “spark” are females? Maybe women need to start to understand that men are wired differently. Men love comfort zones. He doesnt understand what spark you are talking about because in his mind he still loves you as much. He just doesnt see the need to keep up with the chase and wooing because he has gotten you already. How do you chase something you already have? like its time to focus on other ambitions and stuff.
    Sometimes these men dont even know that you are feeling this way. That is why communication is important. Some men are born romantics, those kind that remember your birthday and relationship anniversaries. The kind who will be thoughtful enough to send you flowers and chocolate on Val’s day, sadly the majority of men are the opposite. Majority of men just feel that asking you if you have eaten and how your day was is proof of love enough.
    Like i said both sexes are wired differently luckily i learnt that early and it has saved my current rship. The only way to bridge the gap is to COMMUNICATE. Verbally let him know how u feel but not in a nagging manner or he will withdraw even further.

    Now this doesnt apply to those who their men are cheating on or having other issues. I have no words for that right now

  19. real change story

    September 3, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    u people think u have written about ur change experiences? ok so let me tell u a story. When i met this dude i was on the edge of hell..like that thin line between heaven and hell? the literal heaven and hell? there i was. i had committed all forms of atrocities and i believed i was destined for hell and so i just carried my hell back pack fully loaded and kpem kpem kpem i commenced d journey..smoked,drank, and clubbed a lot etc..yea they are hellish behaviors to me(standards vary yeah, when ur father is a pastor) i even had a friend who was der to help me go to hell.it was nysc year and i was dating this dude who was my age mate but still in 100l. yea it was a sugar mummy affair. so i met d ex, we fell madly in love…mushy disgusting kind of love..we started out as friends tho..broke up with d gigolo.. 6 months nigga nor ask me out! and we did all things people dating did..no sex tho..we saw everyday, spoke for hourssssss morning nd night, not midnight free call o!said i hate u first then it became i love u bla bla.. my friends were definitely jealous..roomie was so jealous she called him to ask what he wants with a girl like me, he’s(was) an MFM boy, even called me a lesbo..but i was very naked with him and he knew everything abt me so nothing really surprised him and he could even point out her lies..he CHANGED me, i saw the light..yea literarily, the light, i took church and God serious, embarked on a fake celibacy journey(fake cos well, he made me break d vow).

    so after i became a Jesus sister, nigger made me delete all d lil wayne and nicki typa songs on my phone cos they might lead me to hell, guess what? nigger became d devil o. said he doesnt wanna get married without having tried all d bad things in this world..like getting drunk, taking weed, smoking, abusing drugs bla bla..he felt intimidated by my past and felt he had to go thru everything i had been thru to be as matured as me, and yea to hell with celibacy, he hadnt had lots of sex all his life so he wants to unleash..he clubs every friday and goes out a lotttt now. sigh..we broke up sha but not cos of d change..it was frustrating but yea i stood by him thru his semi mid life crisis and i still loved(love) him..i always complained about the change tho..very annoying..i called him all names, confused being his nickname from me..but nothing really removed from d good heart he had. yup! That’s change,and dats love

    Yea change has levels tho..some guys just want to catch a girl first then unleash their tru character later, same with girls,dats why people complain that he/she has chaged..so when u suspect it wasnt a new found behaviour, run!! he/she tricked u!

    2. Dont tell a potential partner what u want in a potential partner, they just go ahead and pretend to be who u want but eefi niwa, it will smell later
    .

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