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Fanya South: Househelps vs. Husbands

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Domestic helps have always been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My mother sees them as a necessity and has always had at least 2 around when I was growing up. Once I got pregnant for my first child, she began to bring up the talk of getting someone from the village. At first, I was skeptical as I wanted to be the kind of woman who could do it all without the extra help. My mother just laughed in my face and proceeded to make the arrangements. By the time the baby came, my mother came for “Omugwo”, bringing the help along with her. I tried to manage and not depend on the help so much.

My skepticism arose from all the stories you hear about them; the wickedness to the kids, spitting/urinating in food, stealing and the husband snatching. Whenever a group of married women with kids get together, the topic of domestic helps always seems to arise; the struggle to find a good one, the struggle to keep them and the struggle to monitor them.

I was recently with a couple of friends in a mutual friend’s house when her domestic help/nanny came to serve us drinks. Her help was dressed very simply, but clean in loose jeans and a T-shirt. As soon as the help was done and walked away, one of the ladies chirped “Why do you let your help wear trousers. Trousers are too seductive. Look at the way my help is dressed. You can’t trust these men o. You have to cover your help very well”
We all turned and looked over at her help dressed in “mary amaka” skirt, very baggy blouse and with “gorimakpa” shaved head. We understood her plight. We all knew about her husband’s extracurricular activities.

But we know that for a man with roving eyes, a shaved head and long skirts is no hindrance. He will see the “waist” wherever and however it is hiding. What if the wife had a hot younger sister? When the sister comes over, will she be forced to shave her head and wear long skirts? Just ensure that the sister dresses decently in your house and pray to God for a good man.
This mutual friend mentioned to me later that she had once caught her husband looking a little too long at her help. It frightened her deeply, mostly because; she didn’t want to let her help go. It had taken her a long time to find a good help and this one had been with her for a long time and was as valuable to her as a sister. She mentioned that if she was forced to choose between a cheating husband and her help, she would probably choose the help.

To her, a cheating husband was of no use. He had given her 3 children, but aside from his monetary contribution to their welfare, he took no active part in their upbringing. Her help had been with them for over 3 years and when my friend was at her bank job all day, the help cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping, picked the kids from school with the driver, fed and bathed them and did their homework with them.

She knew if the help left her, it would be hard to adjust. But she didn’t want to have to sacrifice her career because of a cheating husband who wouldn’t lift a finger to help with the housework or care of the children.

I had a secondary school classmate whose father had slept with the domestic help. He was a heavy womanizer and even tried to seduce some of his daughter’s classmates. Her mother overlooked it; till he slept with the help. Her mother was too ashamed and ran away from the house, leaving the children with their father. I don’t know how that story got out. But it was all we could talk about in school then.

A man who would sleep with the domestic help is worse than a dog. How hard can it be to just have self-control? Are there no women anywhere else that you just had to have that piece of a**. That is the highest level of disrespect you can give to your wife. A man that can bring shame of that magnitude to his wife and demean her to that extent deserves to be flayed.

This is what makes a lot of women overlook considering the character of the help and focus more on the looks. You cannot hide beauty no matter how much you try to it. All you can do is to ensure that she dresses decently (no extra tight clothes, no excessive makeup, no cleavage, stomach, lower back or thighs should be exposed). Let them wear trousers and a little make up when they are going out if they want to. Abi you no want make them marry too. I am not saying you should go and put someone that looks like Joselyn Dumas or Mercy Johnson or Toolz in your house o. Na you sabi.

Consider the character first. Monitor them for a while before you leave them with your kids. Don’t always leave them alone cooped up in the house with no one to talk to except the kids. That kind of monotony drives them away too. Treat them like you would treat a beloved sister and they will stay longer and treat your kids and your home right.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | A J Cotton

Fanya South is a working mom who has always had a love for writing. My guilty pleasures are dance hall music and cake. I am finally designing my own website/blog, so look out for that.

74 Comments

  1. beauty

    October 20, 2015 at 11:51 am

    That part of Jocelyn Dumas, Toolz and Mercy Johnson was unnecessary because such people were made by God with such endowed body types. Meaning you’re now segregating ladies who are endowed not to be taken as maids? Do you think the men would not still rove around the slim, less endowed ones. Other than that, maids( I call them support system) are quite important, I tell you…

    • Spectacular

      October 20, 2015 at 12:28 pm

      Leave matter, I don’t think it’s unnecessary, it’s common sense!

    • Angie

      October 20, 2015 at 12:33 pm

      i like that the writer already said “na you sabi”…so i’ll say it again…MADAM BEAUTY, NA YOU SABI!!!!. If you like, go and carry Toolz and use her for househelp. people be over analysing things like…mscheww

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 11:17 am

      lol.

    • Lagos is my home

      October 20, 2015 at 3:46 pm

      funny I watched a Wendy William video today where she said its not the shape , size or age …..All you need is a willing PARTICIPANT

      She talked about Milas Kunis saying she doesn’t want a HOT nanny and the nanny should be at least 30years which in her mind is OLD . The irony is that Ashton Kutcher was with a much older woman so 30 been old is irrelevant . . Wendy Willaim statement t…… It rang through to me

    • Alem

      October 21, 2015 at 9:27 am

      GBAM! You have said it all. A disciplined man will NOT be tempted no matter how shapely and body hugging clothes a maid wears. An useless one on the other hand will sleep with the maid no matter how old, dowdy and ugly she is.

    • stella

      October 22, 2015 at 11:05 am

      abeg she is very right but il rather say..dont get a househelp who is more endowed than you or very endowed at places u r lacking…lolz

  2. gia

    October 20, 2015 at 11:51 am

    “I had a secondary school classmate whose father had slept with the domestic help. He was a heavy womanizer and even tried to seduce some of his daughter’s classmates. Her mother overlooked it; till he slept with the help. Her mother was too ashamed and ran away from the house, leaving the children with their father. I don’t know how that story got out. But it was all we could talk about in school then.”

    This is every shade of disgusting! :S

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 10:19 am

      why does a person become so ashamed when another person acts poorly and is not ashamed?
      i think a lot of women quit not because they are themselves unhappy but because they are unhappy about their perception in other people’s eyes. i am curious about why. for me, if i’m materially hurt it’s a bigger problem than if other people ‘think’ they’re better than me.

  3. Grace

    October 20, 2015 at 11:59 am

    “Treat them like you would treat a beloved sister and they will stay longer and treat your kids and your home right.”

    Most Nigerians dont know the above phrase…..as most a times you can differentiate a help from your own child/children…(i call it modern day slavery). SMH

  4. Cynical

    October 20, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    Hmmmm,the famous topic maid vs husband. I remember a discussion at the office where I stated I won’t take a maid that was too young, I only take older girls in their twenties. A male colleague said ah ah,what about your husband and I was like what about him????? Honestly I feel that a man who can stoop so low as to sleep with the maid is beyond help. My mother in law says there’s is no PhD written down there,for men one Nyash is as good as another. But for Gods sake the maid???someone who you are supposed to be a guardian to??A good maid is more precious than gold,one who you can leave your kids with and have no worries.
    God bless all the good maids and God bless all the good madams,may we treat them well and repay them with kindness.

    • pikin

      October 21, 2015 at 5:31 am

      STOOP SO LOW? So house helps are not people, abi?

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 10:24 am

      and as a woman who’s been extremely attracted to domestic staff once (mutually) and had a fling with a person who worked as domestic staff too, i don’t get where sisters are coming from.
      guys tend to think human is human coochie is coochie. women tend to think Harvard coochie is different from granny-panty coochie. i don’t know mennn, i don’t know how women think. please think. all are dust, that’s what Christianity and Islam both say. same DNA, same ancestry.

  5. Regina

    October 20, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    What’s interesting about this story is there is no mention of the fact that the maids may not always consent to have sex with their employer, and might be coerced or forced to do so for a myriad of reasons. We tend to blame them, but the truth is that the consequences for saying “no” can be devastating to them. They have no protection and as women, are generally young and with a limited education, with limited recourse. Coerced sex is rape, and we have to be aware of this.

    So the predatory guy who targets women who are in vulnerable and are in his employ is not a womaniser. He’s a rapist.

    • Bella

      October 21, 2015 at 11:29 am

      My dear this your comment is the plain and simply truth! How many times does the househelp consent to sleep with Oga? Or how many times does the househelp go out to seduce Oga? People lets face the music o, most often than not, its the randy bosses that attack the poor and defenceless house help. The ones that have no self respect and zero respect for their wives, kids and entire family! This is totally unacceptable behaviour. Instead of protecting the very same person who is there to help raise your children, and take care of your home, you now find her as a sexual toy. People need boundaries, to make my case clearer, how many women out there can be comfortable forcing the gate boy or garden boy or driver to do the same? Yes they are some but not as many as the one with the correct head and heart to know that this is wrong and the help is there for your benefit but never sexually! It all comes down to self respect, both as a man and woman. I also want to disagree strongly with this statement “A man who would sleep with the domestic help is worse than a dog”. Sabi say the maids are not human? na wa o! Maids are not degrading things or animals, its the circumstance they find themselves due to the life surroundings! abeg, they are still humans biko!

  6. Anon

    October 20, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Disgustingly that some of them have gone on to marry some of these maids.

    • Bella

      October 21, 2015 at 11:31 am

      janitors are people too people!

  7. Kaydollz

    October 20, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    Yep,those disgusting s.o.bs then go around telling their stupid listeners that the wife didn’t do her marital duties “she didn’t cook for me,she didn’t wash my clothes,she had a job” Yada yada. Oloshios fellas .

  8. Maromec

    October 20, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Hmmn
    So my friends would always ask the jazz I used for maid of 3 years
    These peole are humans just like our kids,siblings
    Treat them right and see how your kids would be treated

    Pay them above the minimum wage and don’t use kids as maid
    Use an adult willing to work for money,once in a while get her gifts,an affordable phone
    When she is ill,attend to her ,you might not take her to the hospital but drugs would go a long way
    Discuss her future with her.do you want to be a tailor or a hairdresser .everyone can’t be educated
    Commend them for job well done
    Remember no one is perfect
    Not even you.

  9. larz

    October 20, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Not condoning cheating or anything but when people say stuff like ppl shud have more control around their maid. I am like, that is where you get the most temptation. When you and oga fight, he/ she is there, when agro catch u, the person dey there. For those that wont cheat, it is valid argument, but for cheaters, what better way to prove your dominance/ shove it to your spouse than sleeping with the hired help.

    I personally would prefer house help that doesn’t live with you. You come in the morning, get the kids ready. If you double as a housemaid, cleaning the house in my absence. Bring them back from school and the moment, I get back you can go home. Ideally, oga should never drop you off home self. You can take a cab if I am not there, I will pay for it. As much as I trust my hubby, I dont think we shud tempt fate by allowing such close proximity with your help. That aside, there is an added benefit of having one-to-one time with your family esp children. It fosters a strong family spirit and your children shud hopefully confide more in you. I have had situation where children were asked about members of their family and they include the help. It is these kind of kids that can be brainwashed into keeping secrets with their “aunties”. The plus side for the maid, they can have their own friend/ independence and even enjoy a sexual relationship with their bf.

    My frn had her help stay with her mum and would commute to her every day. I will probably rent a flat share or studio face me I slap you for the tenant if I can afford it. Keeping family together but distinguished from others.

  10. Fifi

    October 20, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    I know a couple of prominent families whose fathers second wives were former househelps to the first wife, they r neccessary evils, some yes i agree r victims of men who cannot control thier libido ie the case of a newly appointed lagos commissioner who is known to have numerous children courtesy of his maids, but maybe due to african magic movies i think some delibrately tempt their “ogas” becos they too want to be like madam.my iya has been with me for a long long time, shes a mother and new grandma,i leave majority of the cleaning job for my cleaner who comes 3 times a week now,i cant shout biko

    • Anon

      October 20, 2015 at 1:56 pm

      That’s why I made my comment. But i didn’t want to expatiate on it. Re-the new recruit and his libido. Don’t believe the libido thing. Inbred.

  11. ednutey

    October 20, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    A good and valuable househelp is 1milliion times better than a husband who cant take his eyes off the help,if push comes to shove,send the husband packing and leave the help.

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 10:26 am

      lol, i think i read a story like this recently, but it was in obodo oyinbo. woman was divorcing cheating husband but felt she could not live without her housekeeper.
      i don’t think Nigerian men can cheat because there is nothing to cheat for/on. they are simply exercising their freedom to have affairs. i think it’s a necessary freedom.

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 11:14 am

      or quick debate question: could Kanye cheat on Kim? it’s technically impossible because he’d just have to show the lyrics of “Bound 2” in which he sort of promised to hook up freely. and if that doesn’t suffice and the pack decide to take him to court, well, pre-nup.

      if people have things they wish are involved in their marital union , they should kindly start writing contracts. write it: the day you cheat, i move out of your house and you never see your children again (of course that is a callous, callous idea and no system should tolerate it, but many systems do, unfortunately, kick men out of children’s lives as though it was all about women or as if to compensate a little for the financial suffering of many women when divorce or spousal neglect happens). anyhow, all this talk-talk is getting boring – get serious if you hate infidelity so much.

      …listening…

  12. Star

    October 20, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    I’m newlywed with a baby on the way. So far, I have coped pretty well without external help, my hubby pitches in and we’ve been able to manage thus far. But, I know I will need help once the baby comes and it would be nice to have her before the baby comes so she would have settled in. My reluctance is this, it will upset our current family dynamics, hubby and I like to just chill at home, cuddling and stuff. I cant lock the girl away in her room every evening. More importantly, I am scared of sexual abuse. I experienced it. Hubby eyeing the help doesn’t bother me. He’s a grown ass man and made vows before God and man to be faithful. The onus is on him to keep them without me policing him. If he decides to stoop that low, well, he knows my stance on infidelity.

    • Maromec

      October 20, 2015 at 3:11 pm

      Your maid must not live with you
      Come in the morning,close by 5 or 6
      So you and oga can continue your cuddling

  13. KennyG

    October 20, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    A Colleague of mine says she doesn’t allow her maid into her bedroom because her room is a sacred place . i then asked if she leaves her kids with her maid she said yes…i laughed and told her that you don’t trust the maid enough to enter your room but you trust her to take care of your kids. does it make sense? if you treat your maids right, they will bring out the best in them and stay longer with…. no time for discrimination jare..

  14. Austar

    October 20, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    What happened to having a male househelp…. At least oga would not be tempted into doing any funny stuffs, except oga is………………………………

    • Aleesha

      October 20, 2015 at 2:26 pm

      Males aren’t really suitable for childcare. I personally won’t let a male bathe my daughter

    • beabea bea

      October 20, 2015 at 2:32 pm

      ……but the male help is free to be tempted into doing funny stuff with the girl child.
      Abeg we they are necessary evils. most of us will do away with them so just be sensitive and wise about nipping things in the bud if and when it becomes necessary.

    • NIRA

      October 20, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      A male househelp that’ll sexually abuse your daughters?? Mba o!!

    • cancel reply

      October 20, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      NO NO NO to male house helps!! I was almost sexually abused by one at the age of 8 or 9! I was a very vocal child, so I knew it was wrong, I kicked him in the groin, and promised to report him to my parents!!! I never reported anyway, but the fool never ever came near me again. However, female house helps too can molest the male kids, and even the female ones! What about teenage boys who have sex with the housemaids? Some of these cases are consensual, and some can be classified as rape. It’s like which way forward? I’d rather have an elderly woman who lives nearby take care of my babies during the day. The rest of the housework me and my husband will take care of it.

      This is not related to the topic at hand, but I think if men pulled their weight around the house, the dependence on housemaids wouldn’t be that much. I mean what is so wrong with an able-bodied man cleaning his own house. taking care of his own kids, and cooking meals? Why is it just normal for a man to marry and be taken care of like he is a child? The 9-5 bullshit the man has dealt with during the day, is the same bullshit the woman too has dealt with, so what makes it okay for a man to come home, watch football, and not help? It doesn’t make sense to me. And for those that argue that the woman is the weaker sex, blah, blah. Assuming we go with that logic, shouldn’t the man then be largely responsible for the work around the house? E tire me sa.

    • Star

      October 20, 2015 at 3:30 pm

      Exactly! Men need to pitch in and help. You say you love your wife, why would you then lounge in front of the tv while house chores stress out your wife. Worse still, some men insist they don’t want a help around their kids. If you love her as yourself, pitch in and help. After all, love is ‘doing’ not ‘saying’.

    • larz

      October 20, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      That was very brave of you at such a young age. Shame you went through that. It is alarming the amount of ppl that go thru that regular. An 8 yr old! He must be a monster. Perhaps you should have reported him before he preys on others.

      Men without house helps tend to do less. Even those with husbands who were more active before the house help will find the need for them in their house diminish considerably and will fall into a habit.

  15. HerExcellence

    October 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    …husbands Xtracurriular activities was al i saw…..
    lmao!

  16. cancel reply

    October 20, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    Exactly what I thought. A good number of these maids are coerced into sex with oga. Since they want to keep their jobs, and send money to the village, they are forced to continue having sex with the oga at the top.

    • cancel reply

      October 20, 2015 at 2:41 pm

      This is a response to Regina’s comment.

  17. Iris

    October 20, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    I’m not sure I understood the second-to-last and third-to-last paragraph. To me what is implicit in your write-up is that the maid is on a level so much lower that it almost seems like WHO he slept with is the issue, rather than the fact that he slept with someone else at all.

    • ona lo jin, eru ni baba

      October 20, 2015 at 8:24 pm

      God bless you Iris. You said what I was thinking.
      This just irked me -[A man who would sleep with the domestic help is worse than a dog. How hard can it be to just have self-control? Are there no women anywhere else that you just had to have that piece of a**. ]
      A maid is a person too, not any less. Half of the time, when people express their sympathy for the plight of helps, it is still with one kind of upper status mentality.

    • stella

      October 22, 2015 at 11:34 am

      guess shes just saying its not right cos shes so close…same goes if he sleeps with a family…shes saying, not someone inhouse even if he will sleep with someone she prolly might never meet in life…lol

    • newbie

      October 21, 2015 at 6:23 pm

      I think the WHO matters in this case. A househelp will most likely be young girl that lives under your roof as a quasi-family member. So the stooping low refers to him abusing trust on another level as in this girl can hardly say no to you, out of fear o consequences because afterall you are her oga, And she lives in your house – as good as your sister or daughter yet you force yourself on her. Sleeping with an outsider is low but with a defenceless insider like that….? even lower.

  18. NaijaPikin

    October 20, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    Omo there is no formular for finding good maid. Just do your due diligence, complete medical on each of them and then pray to God.

    A dog is always a dog. so what your help looks like won’t stop your husband from being a dog (if he is one).

  19. adelemummy

    October 20, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    The last paragraph is everything. Treat your helps/employees right. No matter how
    the maid looks or dresses a man that will sleep with his maid isn’t doing so cos of her looks. He is simply a depraved cretin with no scruples or conscience. Cos often such sexual relationships are abusive as the maid may be too intimidated to refuse her boss’s advances. I refuse to allow my maid dress like a homeless bum. The way my maid looks esp when we’re out is a reflection of me, my character, my faith. Anytime I see a maid looking unkempt in the company of her employers I conclude they are wicked people. I’ve told my maid to think of a vocation/trade/further education or something she wants to do so I can sponsor her as I would hate for her to be a maid forever and I’m sure she wants more for herself.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      October 20, 2015 at 7:11 pm

      Yay momma! Being waiting eagerly to see a comment from you. Spare me the details of the “trip”; Just glad to know you are well. God keep you, yours and your truly new bundle of joy.

      God bless you.

    • adelemummy

      October 22, 2015 at 2:51 pm

      Thanks a lot Bobosteke & Lara Bian. Very kind of you. Yes the bambino and I are doing great. And that’s thanks to my support system which includes my maid. 🙂

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 20, 2015 at 11:52 pm

      *Goes to bring out my soup pot so I can prepare hot, spicy, yam peppersoup*

      Nne, you don born? Praise The Lord for the safe delivery!!! ?? Congratulations, luv! How is mummyhood? And how’s your little precious one doing? May God mark the arrival of this child in your family for good and cause him or her to grow with Favour on every side through a long, fulfilled life. I pray you and hubby are always guided in being the best parents your son or daughter can have. Really glad to read your change in “status”! ?

    • adelemummy

      October 22, 2015 at 5:11 pm

      Thanks MSA for the prayers and your kind words. 🙂 Yes o i don born bomboy! Thank God for a safe delivery- it wasn’t fun though. 20hours but that cliche is so true cos when I held my healthy beautiful baby in my arms for the first time, the pain magically disappeared 😉 A big AMEN to those powerful prayers o cos we need them. Motherhood is interesting, fascinating and daunting. It’s certainly a lot to take in. I try not to constantly worry about whether I’m capable of raising this beautiful gift of a child right. One of my biggest fears now is being a bad mum. I’m ever grateful that I have a wonderful support system. I don’t know how you abroad people cope without Maids, Mums, Sisters, Mums-in-law, Aunties and Friends around at your beck and call when you deliver. I’ve had all these people around in-turns since bomboy arrived. Had to keep reminding myself not to get too used to all the fussing over bomboy and I.

    • Bella

      October 21, 2015 at 11:38 am

      a million likes to your comment!

  20. Fanya South

    October 20, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Hi Iris. Actually, the point of those paragraphs is not the who. But the why. If you notice, I also mentioned having a hot sister and having to keep her away if you cannot trust your husband. I classify sleeping with a house help and a sister on almost the same level.

    • Peju

      October 20, 2015 at 4:05 pm

      Hello Fanya, the truth here is that the who also matters. Imagine the hubby sleeping with the sister or even worse the daughter, I mean of all people your wife’s sister or daughter. Its the same with the nanny,you can’t control yourself sotey you bring it inside the house right under the wife’s nose. Its usually more traumatic and embarrassing for the woman.

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 7:51 pm

      i’m still asking about women and embarrassment. that word, shame, embarrassment, or as some call it, “face” seems to come up so much in these matters, that i’m curious why it’s so important. forming my theories, could be wrong…
      lifelib.blogspot.com/2015/06/understanding-women.html
      that men, like automatons, are largely about logic; where women, like aristocrats, are a lot more about face.

  21. Omowumi

    October 20, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    Male help!!! please, biko, ejor, apologies ahead tendered ahead, but i really do not think having male help is such a good idea. The risk/cons outweigh whatever else they have to offer. If he’s the randy type, there is no guarantee of the safety of the girl child, but worse is an abuse of the boy child. Lest the boy be turned gay. I know of a case where the help, abused continuosly the only son of the family. It wasn’t till the boy was noticed walking funny, that the parent got investigating and the little boy told him what the help had been doing to him.

    • Natu

      October 20, 2015 at 5:50 pm

      You are so ignant!!!! There is nothing like “turning someone gay”. Ignant niggur!!!

    • Sisi

      October 20, 2015 at 6:12 pm

      “Ignant niggur”? Ok then… Thank you for contribution.

    • slice

      October 20, 2015 at 6:23 pm

      I believe there is such a thing as having preference for same sex bc your initial introduction to pleasure was with the same sex…even if the pleasure was forced

  22. Austar

    October 20, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    The only reason I have read so far against having a male househelp is the fear of molestation towards the girl child. Now what if it is a family with just boys as children, would a male househelp be considered? Or would it now be the fear of molestation towards the wife?

    • Idomagirl

      October 20, 2015 at 5:04 pm

      There are tons of little boys who have been molested by older males o! Ah. And also many people don’t like male househelps because of the fear of them being more likely to bring robbers to the house. Female ones do so too anyway, but people feel it’s worse with male ones.

    • beabea bea

      October 20, 2015 at 5:49 pm

      Yea If all my kids were boys. i may not mind as far as he is verified as reliable

  23. Sisi Dr

    October 20, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    I wish molestation was that cut and dried. Growing up in Lagos in the 90s, I was molested by both male and female house helps and an older female cousin and I grew up in an borderline abusive household. It’s amazing that I can be a normal, functional member of society with only your garden variety psychological problems and no (major) sexual deviance as far as I can tell. The truth is, you need to pray about anyone you are going to put in charge of your children whether family or hired help, living in or coming 8-12 hours a day. It only takes one afternoon for these things to happen.

    This goes for your husband as well. I know this is an extremely uncomfortable point of view for super cool, 21st century, African millennial, yummy mummies but for Gods sake (and your own) pray!

  24. OVER IT!

    October 20, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Sad-much!

    I was molested by my own sisters!!!

    Not maids……

    Not uncles…..

    SISTERS!!!

    CAN YOU BEAT THAT!!

    And the worst thing is that I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.. The older i get, the more vivid the memories. Sometimes its hard to just push the memories away mannnnnnn….

    From what i learnt from my sisters (two of them both 8 and 9 years older than myself), i at the age of 5-6 played “mummy and daddy” with my 3 neighbours (a 2 yr old male and a female-agemate and her younger brother) as well as two of my female cousins (both older than myself by a year or two).

    I never knew what i was doing was **very bad** until i got caught by my mum and she beat the living daylight outta me!. All i knew about sex was “its meant for adults but………….. this sexually exposed child had already grown-up!

    That I’m a positive member of the community, functioning (semi delusional, psychotic occasionally) but not demented or bipolar is beyond me!

    I just pray for my sins, for theirs and hope we all forget these memories someday.

    • edith

      October 20, 2015 at 7:37 pm

      wow!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 21, 2015 at 12:00 am

      Memories are a very, very powerful tool and unfortunately, the main weapon that we use to punish ourselves with repeatedly.

      God only needs to hear your cry only once, luv and that’s all it takes for your forgiveness to happen.

      Please find the strength to forgive yourself and that’s where your total freedom lies…. I’ll say a prayer for you. xx

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 10:33 am

      could it be that you guys were role-playing like children do, only that you suffered trauma (the beating) and a new interpretation of the play as molestation so that you still suffer from that event? because your sisters were kids too. and i’m no psychologist but kids play, explore, want to know private parts etc, and they really had no reason to try to molest you in the sense of snatching your dignity or something.
      y’all should talk about it if possible, or read, pray, whatever helps…

      i’m feeling pain at your pain. hoping you get over it, laugh about it even someday.

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 10:37 am

      i def made out at least once with a relative my age when i was about the same age (like 8). c’mon we had watched kissing in films, to play act was like the most natural thing in the world. this is the essence of play among primates. the few times i remember it, i remember there was pleasure, we were lucky to not get caught, really nothing more to say about that.
      fortunately i’ve never had a forced encounter of any sort.

  25. demash

    October 20, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    Maids are a necessary evil but one should be able to discern between a good maid and a bad one time before investing in him/her. I say investing because maids need to treated fairly. We grew up in a house where my dad insisted the maids to go school and most of them went to Uni/Poly from our house. In similar manner, I try as much to better the lives of the maids that stayed with us either through school or via learning a trade and as such most of them usually visit when they move on. I don’t see the point of a maid staying more than 2 years. We’ve had crazy ones like one who made away with my wife’s jewelry but by and large if you are nice to them they put in the very best for you. We have had a maid hiatus for 3 weeks mows cos the last one had to go back to school in Benin republic & her mum has promised to send in another in a few weeks (some other relative I believe). In the meantime, I have been helping with cooking, cleaning and other stuff but wify still says she can’t do without a maid cos my help ain’t enough. I know families that do just fine without one, the most important thing is not too put all family responsibility into the hands of a help if you indeed have one.

    • adelemummy

      October 22, 2015 at 2:55 pm

      You’re a good man. I understand why wifey feels she still needs a maid even though you help out. Having that extra dependable help around the house can be addictive.

  26. Tolani

    October 21, 2015 at 6:05 am

    “A man who would sleep with the domestic help is worse than a dog” …… SMH i really dont like that stigmatizing language!!! Umph Fanya common maids are humans too who just happn to be maids. That line is so disgusting they are humans born by a woman just like u are #sad pass on your msg without being discriminatory no one prays to be in such economical status

    • Peju

      October 21, 2015 at 8:45 am

      how about I rephrase it for Fanya, “A man who would sleep with the wife’s sister is worse than a dog” Stop looking for issues where there is none. The point is that if you want to cheat, why go for the househelp, neighbours or even worse the wife’s friends and relatives. Because of the nature of relationship, they ought to be off limits.

    • Tosin

      October 21, 2015 at 10:39 am

      why do you say that? what’s the big problem? this is a real question.
      is it religion, tradition, pragmatism, health, pride, or something else? what about if it was the culture to sleep with your wife’s sister? (and it is in some places, or your husband’s brother?)

  27. newbie

    October 23, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    @Tosin – There is norm, and there is deviation. In most civilised societies – particularly in Nigerian society which I believe is the context for this discourse, sexual relationships amongst family members is frowned upon. If we started throwing up every remote quirk of every clime then we would simply have a cacophonous argument with no point.

    • Tosin

      October 27, 2015 at 5:08 am

      break with norm -> worse than a dog
      got it.

      leave them animals alone! 🙂

  28. Lucy

    January 15, 2017 at 6:37 am

    I have a maid who is very hard working , i treat her nice n where she misbehaves i scold her just d way i do my kid but d way hubby protects and defends her is so alarming he dosent even lyk me scolding her atall wen she does sumtin wrong. He said i shld always pamper her so dat she stays longer. For dis reason i will bet dat my maid has fallen in luv wit my husband cos of d ways she talks about him 2 odas n i never feel comfortable leaving both of dem at home alone.The truth is dat men should alow dier wives handle d affairs of d maid and only come in wen d see dat d maid is being maltreated. Bcos wen d man pays too much attention 2 d maid he develops a sentimental attachment to her n starts treating her supper well maybe out of pity to d extent dat thier actions are questioned. This is d very reason why some will end up sleeping wit their maids.

  29. Lucy

    January 15, 2017 at 6:45 am

    I have a maid who is very hard working , i treat her nice n where she misbehaves i scold her just d way i do my kid but d way hubby protects and defends her is so alarming he dosent even lyk me scolding her atall wen she does sumtin wrong. He said i shld always pamper her so dat she stays longer. For dis reason i will bet dat my maid has fallen in luv wit my husband cos of d way she talks about him 2 odas n i never feel comfortable leaving both of dem at home alone.The truth is dat men should alow dier wives handle d affairs of d maid and only come in wen d see dat d maid is being maltreated. Bcos wen d man pays too much attention 2 d maid he develops a sentimental attachment to her n starts treating her supper well (maybe out of pity) to d extent dat thier actions are questioned. This is d very reason why some will end up sleeping wit their maids. N d maids will be willing.

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