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Aunty Bella: Miss He Never Mentions Marriage



dreamstime_l_24426975Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. This message was left in the comments section of another post on BN this morning. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

Hey guys, so I and my boyfriend have been dating for about 11 months. He is gentle, kind and a wonderful person and we love each other. We both have our careers going for us. He is my first and we both just turned 27 recently. But I am getting a bit worried that he never mentions marriage or talks about the future like I would expect him to, never mentions things like me casually meeting his people at least to give me small hope.

As for asking questions, I am a natural journalist (lol) so before we started dating, I placed all the cards on the table and mentioned to him how I plan to settle down next year ( I am an only child) and how I was a bit worried that he might not be ready for marriage when I am (as per age mates ish).

He told me he planned to get married at 28 as well and I explicitly made it clear that hope that decision was made independent of me being in the picture. The last thing I want is someone feeling pressured into marrying me (God forbid, hot petite babe like me *side eyes* lol) Oh well, so we discussed about all that before we finally became committed so sometimes I just think he doesn’t see me in his future because he rarely talks about ”us” in that regard.

He is naturally a quiet person but I don’t want to make excuses for anyone. What do you guys think?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Sam74100


  1. kim kim

    November 6, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Another article on marriage?? Cant we rest. . Madam relax, u are just 27. Just let the relationship flow. For Christ’s sake.

    • Tina

      November 6, 2015 at 11:02 pm

      Some people come here to spit nonsense about marriage not being important cause it’s the 21th century, career woman, blah, blah, blah. Please if it has not happened to you despite your wishing and has finally come to the conclusion that you might end a spinster at 40 spending the weekend at every happening club or night vigil instead of with kids and hubby. Please don’t discourage and deceive others secretly hoping they end up like you.
      My dear writer, I think it’s time you brought up the subject of marriage, act like the 21th century woman and speak your mind on what you want at this time of your life. 11 months is long enough, he needs to know your mind even if he’s not ready.

    • Madam Stainless

      November 7, 2015 at 8:34 am

      Tina, you’re a shallow cup. What’s wrong with you? What was so wrong about the comment up there telling her to enjoy her relationship? Desperation will get you nowhere. You sound shallow and desperate and you’re already living with the fear of being single at 40. That desperation will continue to chase every man you meet away. And what’s so wrong about spending weekends at night vigils? I hate how people have come to associate praying to God with singleness. That’s how they say Shiloh is for single ladies over 30. What’s wrong with the world now??? So you only pray for marriage? Is marriage the ultimate goal and the end point? Is it the only thing you can possibly talk to God about? What about making heaven??? What about other areas of your life? Poster, please enjoy your relationship or you walk out of it. Don’t let desperate shallow minds like Tina get you to start showing a man you’re so desperate for him to marry you. Enjoy your relationship, be into your career, pray, and everything will fall into place. As for Tina, go and beg men to marry you ok? So you won’t be attending night vigil at 40.

    • Ngozi

      November 7, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      Why doesn’t he even want you to meet his relatives after 11 months. That’s questionable so you don’t know any of his relatives; Dad, mum, brother or sister. My dear don’t buy into this quietness of a thing. You should know his family. He does not have to tell them that you are his wife to be during the first visit but how do you survive a secret relationship. That is unacceptable. Bad things thrive on secrecy. Ensure you know his family and friends. If he has nothing to hide and has not introduced someone else to them, he should be proud to let them know you. My dear you are not too young
      Some people consider late marriage a as 21st century sophistication. I don’t because I have seen sophisticated girls get married at 25, they look so beautiful. My aunty just turned 50. married to a good man with beautiful children. 2 of them are graduates already. It feels good to see them alongside their mum. She is the epitome of sophistication. Studied in England and has a masters, still sophisticated even at 50. Therefore late marriage does not equal sophistication and career driven. There are great career women getting married in their mid 20’s. Raising children is tougher when you are older because you need strength even if you choose to have 4 maids.

    • Tina

      November 7, 2015 at 8:31 pm

      @ miss stainless, I’m happily married with kids and very successful in my career in case you have other negative things to think of. Yes women can have it all by the grace of God. I will never bash single people because we all make choices based on what life has thrown at us. What I cannot stand anymore is women being critizied for voicing the need for marriage and family. These days it’s almost a taboo for the 21th century woman to mention it but it’s ok to talk about career dreams and desire.

    • Gee

      November 11, 2015 at 4:38 pm

      I agree with you Tina. I am married with kids and have stood up a fellow married woman that degraded a single girl in my office cos she is not married. everyone has desires. Every woman secretly prays to work for something or someone. that does not mean for anything. pls let us stop ushing a single lady that talks about marriage. That you are with the wrong person does not mean others are too. let people choose their priority. Madam Stainless, your point is well taken but pls in as much as we need careers, family means a lot. I encourage the writer confront him on the issue and know where you stand to avoid story that touch

    • Sir HarveyDent

      November 19, 2015 at 11:22 am

      I am pro “Speak up and Speak your mind, Communicate”, BUT 11 months is not long enough…

      Stop rushing into marriages that don’t stand a chance..

    • dharmmy

      November 8, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      The relationship to flow till she’s 40

    • beauty

      November 18, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Whatever do you mean by madam relax??? Its her life and she ahs the right to panic when she wants to. You want her to clock 50 before she starts complaining?

  2. truth

    November 6, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    you know why he doesn’t mention marriage, because you are selfish, because you haven’t been using proper grammar, Wth is “so I and my boyfriend have been dating for about 11 months,” babes it ” my boyfriend and I.” Am joshing you but don’t try to sound smart and then end up sounding dumb please!!!

    • Ivy

      November 6, 2015 at 7:09 pm

      I’m confused biko. What is wrong with her grammar?

    • Anon

      November 6, 2015 at 7:32 pm

      truth – can you spot your mistakes pasted below? Pots. Kettles. Black.

      babes it ” my boyfriend and I.” Am

    • ATL's finest

      November 6, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      @ Anon. Lol Thank U don’t mind her! Correcer must be the worse.. Jeez I can’t stand some of these Fake English uncertified Professors like Truth

    • ATL's finest

      November 6, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      @ Truth pls read the article the way it is.. What does using proper grammar has got to do with him mentioning marriage??? Mtchew all ye Grammarians.. @ d writer just enjoy the relationship & go with the flow!!! That’s just one thing I can’t do is put pressure on a dude haba for what na? Y’all take it easy on this marriage issue..

    • truth

      November 6, 2015 at 9:13 pm

      my dear atl’s finest and the rest, its called telling the truth. Of course our grammar will not be perfect all the time, but again maybe not everyone will understand my sadistic humor at times, but again me misspelling one word is very different from what she wrote. In any case all of you “i and my ….etc,” users should know such sentence formation is wrong in the english language. Please don’t bring up the beat down argument that english is not her native tongue. The fact is that she chose to write in it, and must be careful just like i have to be careful in spelling words right; so to all the blind defenders, don’t come for me, because I am not the one hoha!!

    • The real D

      November 6, 2015 at 8:06 pm

      @ truth…., it is ok to correct people’s grammar, i gats no problem with that but how you correct really matters. It is obvious you are not here to help the author with both her “problem” and grammar. You sound like you want to put her down to make yourself feel good this Friday and therein lies a miserable life. There is criticism and there is constructive criticism, the difference is one encourages you to be better while the other does no one good and that includes the individual issuing the criticism. Now, that is the truth!!!

    • truth

      November 6, 2015 at 9:19 pm

      The real D you are very correct, and i was wrong to approach the writer in such a manner. I do have a dark humor, therefore the “lol” i put after the statement; but as you saw above, I did also err in my spelling. It just got to me because i have Nigerian educated girls working at my firm and when some want to speak or rather in attempt to be articulate some make the same mistake. I guess in away i was projecting my annoyance at her. To her I say that I am sorry for the way I corrected her grammar; but I was right. 🙂

    • ATL's finest

      November 7, 2015 at 4:44 am

      @ The real D lol.. Your last line cracking me up.. Don’t mind her I’m not against corrections either but my fellow Nigerians would rather show U ITK style instead of actually correcting the person. @ Truth abeg where ur own grammar Don take u reach? Mtcjewww

  3. Lil

    November 6, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Red flag alert!
    That’s all i would say.

  4. maryjane

    November 6, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    Poster, ask him to marry you. Simple!

  5. Ladi Michael

    November 6, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Lol! @ Truth… Haba,u sounded harsh on d ‘poster’ oh! One of the problems we ladies are having is dis ‘i’m not getting any younger’ serum. 11months isn’t 11yrs my dear poster. The patience dog most times eat d fatest bone.

  6. busybee

    November 6, 2015 at 7:37 pm

    this unquenchable thirst for marriage among nigerian women. u better face your God and your career, empower yourself and all other things will fall in place. don’t let instagram push you into a life of misery.

  7. yellow sisi

    November 6, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Jamb question

  8. Vijay Ofem

    November 6, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Red card alert. He’s leaving you sooner than you think.

  9. Olivia

    November 6, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Good morning,

    You’re both 27, have an adult conversation and bring it up. Choose a time when both of you are at rest/peace. Then casually bring it up. Not during netflix and chill. (If you bring it up then he’ll say whatever you want to hear for fear that chill may not happen).
    You could start by saying, “Babe there’s something on my mind I would like us to talk about.” Put his mind at rest by telling him you love him, and wash him up a little. Then say whats on your mind. Close by washing him again and re-iterating that you’re not putting any pressure, you just want to know what’s on his mind. Now here’s the tricky part, whether he says something you like or not, keep your cool and handle it maturely. The outcome could be positive or positive, Yes I said positive twice. Positive that yes he definitely sees you in his future and wants to marry you at 28, or positive that no he’s not thinking about that right now, so you know not to waste your time and move on.

    Hope this helps.

    • Niyoola

      November 6, 2015 at 10:29 pm

      Thumbs up!

    • Tosin

      November 7, 2015 at 10:00 am


    • Predator

      November 7, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      sensible comments like this are welcomed

    • Tru

      November 9, 2015 at 1:00 pm

      If only folks could come with good advice like this…

  10. The real D

    November 6, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    Ok this marriage palava sef…Anyone since i have responded to truth’s comment i feel a need to respond to author’s problem. I will not beat a dead horse by telling you marriage is not do or die. However, I have come to accept that there are women both Nigerians and non-Nigerians whose life goals include being wives and mothers. So like they say “different strokes for different folks”.
    Speaking from personal experience, it did not help that i had always known my hubby and his family so when we started hanging out more it was easy to just chalk it up to friendship/big bro-lil sis relationship but when some Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams things started happening (blurred lines runs). I came out and asked him point blank, oga wetin we dey do? Are we just friends? bro and lil sis runs? or is this the real thing. I was very blunt…hubby first choke as in no joke, dude choke on his saliva, see him gulping like fish out of water ( I don’t if that was shock from my bluntness or from the question) and but I got an answer. Guys always advocate that women speak up because they are not mind readers and since we (women) are not mind readers there are times we need to just lay it down. If your one of your goals in life is to be married and maybe have kids some day then i will advocate you coming out and asking him. I wish you the very best!!!!

    • DanKalion

      November 6, 2015 at 8:47 pm

      Wish I could like this a hundred times. You make a salient point there on not being mind readers. Being adults I’d suggest you lay it on the table not aggressively but in a manner that would evoke some thought on the part of the man if he wasn’t even thinking about it.

    • NotBothered

      November 7, 2015 at 1:51 pm

      To all ye die hard(s) that are not so sure if he will settle down, please acknowledge this an learn a great deal here. Ask the question, ask to know if you’re both in it for the long haul or oga just dey hit that thing as (The real D) rightly stated his shock “needing water, since his out gulping like fish out it” Brother might not see life with you. But babe you can just guide his plane to land at you tarmac. Hard truth!

  11. aaewhy

    November 6, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    @Truth really I just can’t with people like you. @the writer think you should enjoy your relationship for now don’t fret, just because he doesn’t talk about the future doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking or planning for it. 11 months for some people isn’t enough time since he already said he wants to settle down @ 28 give him time. Patience is key.

  12. Passenger

    November 6, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Why don’t you propose to him?
    Buy a ring, set a “romantic” date and propose to him.
    What? He is a man? and you are a woman?
    Gender equality maifren!!

    Go and propose to him joor!

    • Tosin

      November 7, 2015 at 9:58 am


  13. emily

    November 6, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    What’s wrong with wanting marriage and a family?
    I don’t understand the irritation in some comments. There’s nothing wrong with your desires dear Miss.

  14. Great Lady

    November 6, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    Sorry dear but I don’t think your boyfriend is serious about you or even wants to settle down with you. But before you jump into conclusions, ask him in plain terms what he’s plan concerning marriage is and whether it includes you. Share your concerns with him. God will guide you.

  15. `mama 2

    November 6, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    @writer, there’s no harm in enjoying your relationship and just being with him for the purpose of loving a man with an open mind, throwing caution into the wind just for the moment. A man that will marry you, will marry you with or without pressuring him, when a man is ready, he is ready! some guys know that the ”futuristic talk” is what most ladies what to hear these days and they will say all the sweet nonsense for many years without committing. Because he doesn’t share his day dreams with you doesn’t mean, he doesn’t see you in his future, get to know him my dear.

  16. Trust God and focus

    November 6, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    There are no hard and fast rules so trust God and thing is to follow your guts.
    I dated a guy once for about the same time frame who never discussed marriage with me and it also made me very uncomfortable so I tried bringing it up but bae always turned it into argument of lets take one step at a time, so to avoid becoming a nag I let it go.
    Long story short i still felt uncomfortable with the relationship and didn’t know why until i stumbled on his chats with another girl. and all he talked about with her was marriage this and that. RED ALERT!
    I confronted him and we had a big fight..that was the beginning of the end
    Today he is married to the madam I caught him chatting with about marriage
    Don’t know if this helps because this is a single story and I don’t believe in generalizing.
    My advise 1) listen to your guts- If a man loves you and wants to be with you, you will not need words of assurance or talks about marriage to know and feel secure in the relationship
    because you will know from his actions.
    2) Focus on staying happy, enjoy the fun things you both do together, hang out with other friends – you are more attractive when you are relaxed, enjoying your life and achieving your goals
    3) focus on the destination – continue to trust God that even though the guy you are currently dating may/ may not your husband God will still meet your heart desire to be married at 28. I believe your desire to be married at 28 was not borne out of a specific desire to marry him? Right? Good. So trust God that you will get there somehow and leave the details for God to sort out.
    Wish you God’s best!

    • honeymix...

      January 14, 2016 at 5:30 pm

      You are a sweetheart.

  17. Soluzo Ekenta

    November 6, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    Why is everyone focusing on insignificant issues? Not one person has honed into the fact that this lady said the guy “was her first”.Her first lover, buddy, sex mate,…?

    Ooooh. The dude wanted to get some and said he wanted to get married. Or maybe he realised he is young. Marriage is for life anyway, I’m not sure why people want to jump into it. You have to be sure the person is right for you or you can handle his or her flaws without becoming dramatic.

    Have it out with him and see where you’re going and make a mature decision

    • fleur

      November 7, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      The guy said he wanted to marry at 28, not marry her at 28

    • Adaeze Writes

      November 9, 2015 at 5:44 pm

      Wait…I’m about to deviate from the topic above but this name sounds so familiar! Soluzo!!! It’s Adaeze…*didi* from way back when. How are you doing?
      Now to the topic, I guess she should give him time. Since he says he’d settle at 28, it’s just a year away so, why not wait it out?

  18. zeezee

    November 7, 2015 at 12:25 am

    I think if your relationship is strong, you can ask him whatever the hell you want whenever you want, in the same way you could easily tell your best friend her powder makes her face look ashy..If your relationship is fragile, then you may be bothered about what he will think of you, whether you would sound desperate, whether it would put him off etc. I tell my boyfriend whenever I like that he is wasting our time and my eggs are ovulating away, and I don’t feel anyhow about it, because I am so sure that we are on the same page. I don’t ever feel like it makes me sound desperate or will put him off because we have built something stronger than that. Do you think you should re-evaluate your relationship as a whole and why asking him something as simple as this should make you think twice?

    • MC

      November 7, 2015 at 6:06 pm

      You’ve said everything and more!!

      You’re impatient to get married to a man you can’t even ask simple question to!?
      Do you think being in a relationship means one is automatically ready/prepared for marriage?..this doesn’t mean they do not want to get married.
      Maybe your boyfriend feels you know his intentions because he told you what they were 11 months ago. The issue hasn’t been raised again, so you don’t have an update on his “intentions on marriage”. Maybe he doesn’t feel he needs an update so hasn’t brought the subject matter up. You want an update.
      There’s nothing wrong in asking him where he sees the relationship going, without him thinking you are threatening him to marry you tomorrow.

  19. Celeste

    November 7, 2015 at 12:32 am

    Please easy on him. I tried it with my ex and I lost the relationship, and regretted it. I still miss him, cos he is the best man I’ve dated but I wasn’t patient, he felt pressured and saw me as desperate – that was the begining of the end of the relationship.
    I advice you relax and let things happen naturally, don’t force it. However, be smart too so you’re not scammed. Finally, its good you want to be married @ 28, but you should let God do it @ His own time.

    • memebaby

      November 7, 2015 at 6:18 am

      better listen to ms celeste!!

  20. Idomagirl

    November 7, 2015 at 5:10 am

    Have a conversation with him and ask him.
    None of us here are in his head, Wetin we wan tell you?

  21. Asake

    November 7, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Sometimes you just have to let it flow… Sometimes you just have to talk only to yourself. . Many opinions affect your relationship.

    Ask for God’s guidance…. then don’t reduce your love nor act your thoughts

  22. demash

    November 7, 2015 at 8:03 am

    I see no issues here, these things are a natural progression except you guys are having a secret relationship just between the both of you. You are both in love and he looks like a guy with a good head on his shoulders. I’d say give himself some time. Even though My wife and I were both 27 when we married, you guys still have a few more months or even a year or two before uneasiness sets in.

  23. cuppy

    November 7, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Dear poster,u have no ish at all.Here,i am lying beside stingy snoring man……5kids after i cant find the icing on this bland cake.We rarely talk about me or my goals,the conversation all these years centers on his career and businesses.
    What’s the rush anyway,my story will not be your story but pls be patient……there’s more to marriage than a man too quick to pop the question…..there’s more to life.
    Your desires are legit but pls be careful……

    • Tosin

      November 7, 2015 at 9:55 am

      Permit me to share something I found yesterday :
      Snoring and stinginess can be difficult, but there is a way

  24. Tosin

    November 7, 2015 at 9:52 am

    i have no clue.
    going to read comments.
    i think i’m gettin married, it’s weird how shy i am

  25. fleur

    November 7, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    Parents should start teaching their kids how not to be stupid. You placed all your cards before him. Well he had you before Hello then. That initial conversation would scream easy lay and desperate in a guy’s ears. Can we re-learn what playing hard to get looks like? By the way you date because you fancy someone not because you want to settle down. The selling down part is one potential end. You engage a stranger and try your luck in marriage when your only goal is marriage. Just do it the old fashioned way instead of ending with the disillusionment from some perceived acquiescence to your marriage plans.

  26. mysteries

    November 7, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    hmmm, out of boredom I stumbled upon this site and page. Am a man and close to my 40s . Ladies, permit me to comment on this issue. I patiently read through what everyone one had to say so far and would offer a bit of advice from our perspective. When a man wants/wishes/desires to settle down with a woman his body language will speak volumes.I will not tell you that every man who discusses settling down or his future plans with you has noble plans for both of you but I can confirm to you that if a man genuinely loves a woman and craves to have her as wife then unequivocally, his body language, speech, actions and unconscious comittments will point in only one direction. Even if we arent financially ready to take the relationship to the next level, our constant assurances to the woman is usually overwhelming. No man, i repeat, no man sees a wife material and ignorantly loses her. All the best ladies.

    • mom

      November 7, 2015 at 9:40 pm

      Well said!

  27. Bunmi

    November 7, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    I will have to agree with mysteries. Is it not only this same bella naija under weddings that the man said that he went to the girl’s mum and sister first. Some people may find it extreme but when a man has you in his future, you will know. A woman told us that her husband was just waiting for her to finish school o. Give it another 4months, if he does not talk about you and the future hmnm, begin to voom. In the meantime please pray to God because He already knows the outcome and please please and please don’t have sex, it will complicate matters.

  28. mom

    November 7, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    Take it easy with him. Most times men want to be ready enough to take respondsibility. Give your relationship time. Atleast get to meet his friends first before family. He needs to be sure your the kind of person he want to show to his family and also marry. Be calm and don’t pressurize him. Enjoy the moment.. mine is similar and now we are planning our wedding. Just don’t be in so much hurry to settle down. Marriage involves alot. Its beyond the rings and telling the whole world “I am married”…

  29. jasmine

    November 8, 2015 at 5:08 am

    Follow ur guts plz. And don’t mind any1 that will tell u 27 is still too early. By the time u clock 35 and no husband, they’ll be the same people to ask you why u were selecting during ur 20s. People don’t practice what they preach. If u feel like asking him, babe ask. If u want to flow with it, plz do. But remember that if he ends up with sum1 else and u ask him, he’ll say u never asked abt marriage but was too comfortable in the relationship and u might ask him and he’ll feel u’re pressuring him into marriage. Follow ur guts. Remember u might be among those women who can’t give birth easily once they hit 30 plus. I’m just saying, don’t get me wrong. At 27, u should know what u want. Time they say, waits for no ‘WO’man

  30. need a serious relationship

    November 8, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Age 35 and above. Reach me via email: [email protected]

  31. Hello

    November 8, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    Wow just seeing this…thanks bellanaija for putting my comment up as a different article. Thanks bellanaijarians,read through all the comments and i am grateful for the feedback . @Truth Thanks, correction noted. We are actually in a distant relationship so we live in different cities and his relatives also live in a different city,he doesn’t have so much friends. Thanks all., i will pray about it and go with my guts.

  32. Mz_daniels

    November 8, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    if you hv to write a dear Bella article, then you KNOw there’s a problem. If he wants to, you’ll know, if he doesn’t, you’ll be confused

  33. isaac

    November 8, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    why must it be that guys is the one to first discussing things like marriage? why don’t you bring the matter to table and see what is in his mind sis.

  34. sultana

    November 9, 2015 at 9:31 am

    Sisi, lemme advice you like i would my own sis. Give him a month. Then seat him down and ask him his plans for you and how soon. There’s no time to waste. If you allow him continue this way, soon you’ll be 30 and find out he’s getting married to another babe next month. Speak out dear. A closed mouth is a closed destiny.

    from experience, when a guy wants to marry you, na you go dey beg am to slow down. I personally do not favour begging a gu even prompting him, I’m not in support of but please ask him if his short/long term goals include you and if possible, get a verifiable time line with corresponding activities eg visit to his parents, your parents, spiritual leaders etc.
    No time enterprises babe!

  35. Audrey

    November 12, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Hello Einstein, the phrase is I AM or as you were supposed to write,I’m.

  36. Audrey

    November 12, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Hello Einstein, the phrase is I AM or as you were supposed to write,I’m.

  37. Sir HarveyDent

    November 16, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Marriage after 11months…

    Abi e ri olori burukwu somebody yi..

    you should be perfecting the Kamasutra sex styles by now and not thinking marriage, have sex in the shower, on the couch, on the dinning table, while standing, in the car at night, in the shower, in the kitchen…

    Sneak out of work during lunch, have more mind blowing sex, a smooch in the elevator etc…

    who the hell things marriage after 11months?

    They are following you from your village….

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