Connect with us

Features

Uru Eke: Dating a Younger Man

Uru Eke

Published

 on

Uru Eke BellaNaijaAs the sayings go “You’re only as young as you feel” or “age is nothing but a number”; so when it comes to dating men a few years younger, age shouldn’t be a barrier or should it? What I think is to be considered more importantly is communication, common interests. How well do we get along and is there an attraction? Although the conversation should also rationalize how much younger you are willing to go for a woman of a certain age.

For instance a woman in her early to late 30s who is dating a man in his early or mid 20s may think to herself “I just want to let my hair down and live a little” Chances are that he’ll be more spontaneous and adventurous than you’re used to. Some may say men in their twenty’s don’t quite have it together or are still on the journey of discovering themselves. They are not mentally ready to take on the emotional responsibility of being with a woman in that age bracket. The onus lies with the woman to be practical about the situation and accept it for what it is. If it doesn’t work out, both parties move on just fine.

Can it really be as clear-cut and simple as that? Are we females capable of simply just having fun and moving on from someone without any pain, even if he is that much younger? Don’t get me wrong there are young men in that age bracket who are already achievers. I used to work for Zurich Insurance Group in Swindon and the program manager was only 26 years old. In my line of work at the time, contract program managers earned in the region of £500-£600 a day. This young chap had business analysts, system architects and system analysts such as myself reporting to him. So for a woman any age he would be a great catch.

Consider this: a case where he is an achiever, has it all going for himself, great career, head screwed on tight and a looker. He isn’t concerned about the age difference and makes no issue of it. He handles you like a man should and the sex is off the chain. He’s a great conversationalist and constantly reassures you of his desire for you. Do you begin to imagine your future with him in it? You probably didn’t plan to fall this hard for him. Out of 10 boxes he ticks all 10. Do you stop yourself based on the fact he may be 7, 9 or 10 years younger?

Thoughts may start to creep up as you age along; when you’re in your late 40s dude is chilling in the 30’s. Insecurities will start to develop, will he still find you attractive, can you compete with younger better looking females? Will sex still be as explosive when it begins to dry up in the cabinet below?

I’m of the opinion that love is age-less; when a man wants you, he wants you… regardless of how old you are.

From experience, dating younger has never been an issue for me. What I have personally been more bothered about is, that I have the companionship I desire and that we enjoy each other’s company, enough to want to stay together. Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig claimed that, “In some cases, a younger guy is developmentally in a different place…he’s not ready for all of the pressures and responsibilities that go along with a committed relationship because his emotional maturity is not fully developed yet.
This could be generalizing to an extent, because people of all ages aren’t interested in serious relationships, and plenty of people of all ages are interested in serious relationships, too.

Sadly and funny enough,we are in the era of f**k boys (excuse my language) – but it is what it is. Nice looking, well put together young men who come under the guise of what may seem as lovely gentlemen but all they want to do is f&%k. On the other hand, older doesn’t necessarily mean better – as age and maturity are not quite related.

That being said I think women should be open. Centuries have limited the choices of women and I believe we are in a much more liberal moment in time where our social consciousness has allowed us freedom of choice. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful, but just be open to the idea of seeing younger men as an additional option for partnership.

As flattering as it may be that someone 10 years younger is in hot pursuit of your time and attention, we females need to apply some sense.

Before dating a younger man, things I feel should be considered:

1. Is he mentally mature enough to be with a woman much older than him?

2. Where is he in his life and career? Lots of conversations and observing will eventually highlight these.

3. What are his goals for family and children and how far along in the future are the goals?

4. Is being with an older woman just a fantasy he is living out through being with you or does he genuinely want you?

5. Is this just a bit of fun for both of you and when he starts to back track will it be easy for you to let go and move on?

6. Can you have a grown up conversation with him?

7. Is he independent?

8. When he talks does he sound like he is much younger?

9. Will dating a younger man leave you lonely?

10. After dating someone younger, can you comfortably slide into dating men within your age group or older?

11. Are you embarrassed of him in the presence of your friends?

12. Is he embarrassed about you in the presence of his friends?

13. Are you with him just for sex?

41 Comments

  1. Asher

    January 26, 2016 at 9:04 pm

    I’ve had a fairly tough day…. Plix where are the comments abeg I want to use them to “jacuzzi” my way to laughter.??

    • kadara

      January 26, 2016 at 9:26 pm

      That’s a dicey one although those social climbing brothers have shown us that age does not equal maturity

    • Idomagirl

      January 27, 2016 at 10:15 pm

      ????? Kadara ooooo

    • Kaeto

      January 26, 2016 at 9:56 pm

      Yes madam. Honestly I have always been one for men doubled my age., someone that fits my familiarity to what a good responsible partner ought to be but in Toronto I have seen losers at 60, 40, 30 at my 21. Now I am 22 so inlove with my former 20 year old lover, who treated me so right. Oga, always respected my decision not to have sex. He called me girlfriend and I could not care about title but content. He was and is my happiness. Oga took care of me well well. But we done- his ambitions/ masters according to him is Piority over us. Na man be that.

    • toto

      January 27, 2016 at 12:08 am

      I agree the dating pool in Toronto is lacking. Wish you luck 🙂

    • Meme2bhad

      January 27, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      Yes oo my sister.. The dating pool in Toronto is ….dead! .. The Nigerian men here get as them be.. Like they used boat to cross over lol.. I realized that late last year… As one Jamaican ..educated man (a year and half younger than me) has been eyeing me since uni but I was waiting for my Nigerian prince to come.. He doesn’t want to show up.. I guess it jerk chicken at the moment and I’m loving it lol

    • S

      January 27, 2016 at 6:24 pm

      Wow! Somehow the conversation went from dating younger men to naija boys in Toronto (hahahaha). It took me a while to learn this lesson but honestly, if you don’t want to end up old and unhappy (if companionship is your thing) in this Toronto, kill that ‘i must end up with a naija man’ thought as early as undergrad level. There are other African countries or continents in this multicultural city for one to be waiting for a naija boy. We are all humans. If you get one, fine, if not, oyinbo sef na human being abeg.

  2. Rita

    January 26, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    I want to marry someone 10 years older than me. It is just something in me. It has nothing to do with money or all that. It is just what I like. I look at people around my age like nah….
    Anyway, I believe that until you are stable forget about relationships. And at 21, I have never even had a boyfriend before. Will I end up single forever? Lol… Cox younger is not an optioin!

    • Rekiya

      January 26, 2016 at 10:02 pm

      There’s nothing wrong with you. I have a friend is had her first relationship at 25, married the Bobo 28. Another one, not my friend though but my elder sister’s had her first relationship 29 but married the next guy she had a relationship with at 32. I don’t think yours would be that late. I’m just trying to say you will not be single forever, if you don’t choose it at least. Me from the time I was 16, I was getting advances from 30 somethings because I look older than my age. I would have loved to be 21 and know what I want and what I’m doing without any man on my throat for relationship than 18 and be confused. You’ll be fine.

    • Cindy

      January 27, 2016 at 5:23 am

      I never advise too much age gap based on my experiences with my parents, more than 10 years apart. The generation gap can affect the kids in the long run. When mom is okay with something, the dad isn’t because of growing up in a more conservative age than mom. It can be pretty frustrating to the child especially when an immediate decision is required and they tell you they’ll think about it. That’s how they would think about it till eternity because they’ll never agree except my dad pulls the ‘I am a man’ card and it is usually never in our favor. Nigerian men have a special type of ego and the society itself takes respecting older ones seriously regardless of whether they deserve it or not. Combining both while going into an already complicated field like marriage is quite risky. Forget all that love talk, we all know that sometimes love is never enough. The party of the woman usually makes more compromises and I believe it’ll be more pronounced when there’s a huge age gap. You might get frustrated quite quickly.
      There’s also the problem of social circle. My dad is not too comfortable hanging around my mom’s age group friends and vice versa so family wise, we don’t really have a social life.
      In the long run, there’s also the issue of retirement. Because of the huge gap, the effect is more pronounced. Mom works a job that can get her transferred anytime across the nation, dad has to follow her about at an age when he should be sitting his ass down. But what else can the poor man do? He needs his wife and vice versa really. So my dear, please look in the long run and think this through. I’m speaking from the perspective of a child because I believe we have a duty to how future kids in the choice of spouses we make. I also feel this way about the entire article. I don’t think my max or min can go beyond 5 years.
      I’m almost 21 too so I believe there are still some things that we’ll adjust as regards spouse criteria as time goes on. So just relax and enjoy this age while you can. Bless you.

    • uglycindy

      January 27, 2016 at 10:47 am

      – cindy, you still dey here?
      i now know why you are always everywhere
      No siingle social life, dark, short, grumpy..infact use all the words of Joro to describe yourself
      am on your case

    • Smh

      January 27, 2016 at 12:40 pm

      uglycindy, are you okay at all? why are you following the poor girl around, is it by force. The time you are using to stay “on her case” why not go and sleep. All these online bullies who once gored decide on sit on the person’s case, una get plenty of time. Mschew.
      I so can’t standbullies.. rme

  3. Asher

    January 26, 2016 at 9:13 pm

    @Rita

    At 21, you’ve not had a boyfriend and you’re already “afraiding”?… Ahhh what will you now say about me at 30 and I’ve never had a girlfriend… Anyways not to veer too much off topic, but believe you me there are still so many things you can lend your time and self to at 21. Your amazing bobo is still in front…No need to fret

    • Koffie

      January 26, 2016 at 10:06 pm

      Genuine question Asher, why have you never had a girlfriend? Is it some kind of woman-fast? Is it that you love someone and she’s not ‘greeing’ and so you’d rather not try to fall for some other girl? If your character is great, I might be able to help you oo ?? provided you’re not in love with someone already and ya just lurking around in the friendzone, in which case, all the best.

    • Asher

      January 26, 2016 at 10:37 pm

      @Koffie

      Lool @ “Woman fast”. Not to sound overly smug but honezzzzzly I’m not the type of guy to be Friend zoned….I’m the kinda guy that would make you friendzone your first love just to be with me. Okay I said I was not going to sound overly smug so let me just hapuya here laidis ?. This is not to say Will Smith has got nothing on me ooo…. But let’s just say (without giving off TMI) there were some things that started off really late with me…. If those things had started off earlier or at the appropriate time…. I would most likely be more focused on being in a relationship now or would have been in a comfortable relationship already.

    • Miye

      June 29, 2016 at 10:35 am

      Dear BN, please help! This is a rather late post and he may not see this but, I need Asher’s email.

  4. meelikey

    January 26, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    So long as he possess the 3 R’s ie Rich ,Respectful n Responsible

    • xag

      January 27, 2016 at 3:22 am

      Ndi agu. Hungry people.

  5. ada

    January 26, 2016 at 9:18 pm

    Age def doesnt equal maturity because trust me I’ve met a lot of older guys in Lagos who still don’t have sense date. That being said i would only date younger if the guy had at least 9/10 of everything i’m looking for. And anything more than 2years is too young for me.

  6. j'suis belle

    January 26, 2016 at 9:30 pm

    me three @ ada

  7. Mr x

    January 26, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    while most women would not be willing to jump into a relationship wit a younger dude bcoz of all d constraints especially that of societal pressure! the thing is for some, life just happens! MY UNCLES WIFE IS 7YEARS OLDER. AND THEY HAVE ONE OF THE BEST MARRIAGES I HAVE SEEN! it wasn’t planned, the two had already gone too far before d age issue arose! they started out as innocent friends and became too close/compactible…my uncle like most of my family members is big and looks older than his age. so it never crossed her mind she was hanging with a baby so to speak! but starting over I guess was too hard! if u see this couple u can never guess the wife is older! and they get along too well… it’s like a fairy tale! she respects him as d head of d family and he goes d extra mile to please her! I guess this is common when a woman crosses thirty! so my sisters… Just be prayerful and open! Some times we find things in places we didn’t go looking for them!

  8. date whoever

    January 26, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    date whoever you wanna date and lets hear word

    all u girls know is relationship and marriage

    cant you just leave the men alone for once and let them be?

    be writing theory and epistles there ontop finding a man

    yall go find yourselves or marry yourselves and leave the men alone biko

    seize the bae ko, lose the bae ni

    • Tru

      January 27, 2016 at 4:43 pm

      Bitter much?

  9. Nwa nna

    January 26, 2016 at 10:07 pm

    Age doesn’t equal maturity, I’ve dated older women without an issue. I think it much easier for older women dating younger men in the western culture because it’s very much accepted. But that being said, the biggest hangup women have in our African culture about dating younger men is seniority complex “I no fit commot with small pikin” and I do believe that with that attitude there are lots of women missing out on potentially great male partner’s because they are hung so up on age difference, unfortunately.

  10. Rekiya

    January 26, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    I can date somebody born in my year of birth or the immediate year after. Anything below that is my younger brother’s age and it would just be major awkward for me. That being said, age is really not maturity. I remember when I was 18 and was dating a certain 25 year old everybody that didn’t know me from childhood thought I was lying about my age even him. When I talked they thought I was older than him! Same for many guys I have come across. So if you guys click and get along well, then age shouldn’t be a barrier. Reasonable age range of course. A 50 year old with a 21 year old regardless of sex or gender is not the best IMO.

  11. kristin

    January 26, 2016 at 11:13 pm

    “Oh hi, it’s nice to meet you. Who is the dashing young man? Is he your younger brother?”. I wee just die. Instead of enjoying the relationship, I wee now be defending the relationship upandan. I can’t abeg. Big ups to those who make it work. My 21st century, liberated woman’s psyche never evolve reach to date a younger man. Taink you very much.

  12. Mr. Egghead

    January 26, 2016 at 11:17 pm

    Most women from conservative societies can’t date a younger man. They know that chics need a man to always keep them on a leash. A man who is older would likely be more successful, therein acquiring the elements necessary to keep said woman on a leash

    • Cindy

      January 27, 2016 at 5:28 am

      Wait, are honestly comparing women to horses? Silently praying for the women in your life.

    • Natu

      January 27, 2016 at 10:35 am

      I wanted to go in on you but I am not even going to address your stupid statement. You are just the average African. No brains at all. Unfortunately, you represent the masses.

    • Asa!

      January 27, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      Now that was a very mean statement. The average African has no brains? What kind of people do we have on this comments section biko? Just when I think I’ve read the worst comment ever, I get another shocker…. Gosh! Does this comment actually make you happy?

    • eya

      January 27, 2016 at 10:09 pm

      the average African, u know what average means right? a number that could be use to describe d xteristics of an entire population or sample! it includes u and all those self made women u lied about, ur mum and all….ooops I shouldn’t even mention your father, guess he was never there! sweetheart u need to see a counselor/shrink asap! ur “feminist movement” has gone beyond a meer fight for what’s right to psychological issue! I smell depression… “I am better than them all” syndrome!

    • Natu

      January 28, 2016 at 10:34 am

      Lol @eya my father was and is still in my life. Is this how the average nigerian clapback? Lmfao.

    • Asa!

      January 27, 2016 at 1:59 pm

      Alrighty then. May all the women in your life be kept on a leash. Can I hear an Amen?

    • Natu

      January 27, 2016 at 5:54 pm

      I come from a long line of successful and self made women. They call the shots!!!! I know you can’t relate because the women in your family spent all their lives barefoot and pregnant in some man’s kitchen.
      #independentwomen #bosses

  13. ednutey

    January 27, 2016 at 8:30 am

    Maturity is definitely of the mind…nothing to do with age,Imagine how those 2 brothers just made a fool of themselves wth the bashing on gbemi yesterday, you would think their age would have come into play and they wld have been cautious with their words….gist for another day.

    I’ve met 2 guys younger than me, one was about 8yrs younger and oh boy! he was such a sweeet fellow, the way he’d look at me in the office would make me think 2ce about my been committed not to play with a small boy, then there’s the 2nd one, about 4yrs younger and the things he’s achieved and been involved in, me sef that i’m older i’m yet to do them, he’s maturity in all sense is so comforting, i’m always wowed when he says some stuff, and did i mention he’s taller than me(its such a turn-on cos i’m a tall girl)

    So ladies, fall in love only with the matured mind, not the older mind,uld be fine!

  14. Ada

    January 27, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Conversation with many of my male age mates back at University left a lot to be desired. There I was thinking of what to do post University, where to work, useful contacts to make while at school and the guys were thinking new clubs at Awka, babes and sex. I thought I was being haughty and boring back then so I say make I close my mouth follow them do wetin dem dey do but I was left hollow and dissatisfied. The older guys made better sense to me. They discussed the future, gave advice on Masters and other stuff. They made me accept the theory that women are largely more advanced in reasoning than men of their own age. Many times, this theory has been proven over and over again. I went to intern at a multinational with a guy who was “only” about 2 years my junior. There I was trying to be ranked among the useful staff, my guy was comfortable being a bright little boy, getting angry at little things and using swear words at the office.

    My mind is made up. If you aren’t older than me, NO DICE! Age isn’t maturity, I agree but many times, it plays a huge role. Even if the younger guy has money and a good job, I no go gree! So that it doesn’t degenerate to Davido and Sophie’s saga! If you are younger than me, aka m adiro ya!

  15. truth hurts

    January 27, 2016 at 10:19 am

    You all are a bunch of hypocrites. Una dey crase! These are the same ladies that will castigate younger men for whatever reason, only to “search for love in different places” OR trap a fresh young brother who has happened to get his ish together in a vampire relationship. Well I’ve got news for you bihh:
    1. Don’t go for a younger man only to find yourself moaning about how he’s nacking the maid later. He is a young blood you vampre.
    2. He will get tired of you. He will gain his emotional maturity and realise you are a NANNY. Yes, that’s what people like you are called.
    3. You are the reason why you are lonely. Go see a psychotherapist to change that silly mentality, and thumb through your “friendzone” list, find a man older or in ur age group you left there to die and upgrade him. The idea of wanting a “younger” made man sickens me. No body wan work again for their life. The people who reply my comment are sad lazy jobless single desperate women…THE TRUTH HURTS DOESN’T IT?
    P.s: toronto men nor try. There are a couple of nice blokes at Windsor (deadest town lol)though…

    • baby oku

      January 28, 2016 at 3:09 pm

      stupid comment….my husband is 4 years younger than me and the marriage is 11 years going strong with 2 girls….i saw him a mature man enough for me to respect that y i married him…..all the things u mentioned is not synonymous to younger guys in a relationship, all this shit and more have happened in my friends marriages whose husbands were older or “ideal age gap” like the African mentality would think…..its a matter of the people involved

  16. Dtruth

    January 27, 2016 at 11:01 am

    Oh my……what a bunch of pathetic losers…..Now all of a sudden I remember why I left Canada 5 yrs ago…….

  17. LOVELY BAE

    January 27, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    LMAOOOOO….. #TRUTH HURTS YOU ARE DAMN TOO FUNNY, BUT SOME TRUTH ARE HIDDEN IN YOUR COMMENTS

  18. 24Latest Blog (@24LatestDOTcom)

    January 27, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    i think. i agree with you on this

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Get The Pan-Atlantic Advantage

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php