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Aunty Bella: Miss. Loving the Attention of Other Men

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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Please help! I am addicted to attention! Hi guys, I’m a 25 year old lady in a relationship with a 32 year old man, but I have a serious problem. I am addicted to attention from other men. I feel like an ungrateful person because I’m blessed with the most mature, kind, loving , understanding generous man; yet, I keep cheating on him.

We’ve been together for a little over a year now and in the course of our relationship I’ve cheated 3 times with 3 different men. I don’t have any emotional attachment with these men, as I keep them only for the attention.

I have countless other men constantly calling me, taking me out and giving me gifts. I just love the attention and I know I need to end it, because my baby is talking serious talk.

He kinda suspects I see other people, but he has no proof. I’ve convinced him that it’s just clients from work who call me late at night and because I work with a high end luxury company where most of them like to call at night due to their busy schedule. He believes.

We give each other the freedom to hang out with other friends and he feels when I am out,  I’m with my girlfriends. Recently he told me that he loves me soo much and that’s the reason he doesn’t check my phone or messages because he doesn’t need a reason to distrust me.

I feel soo bad because he works really hard and even when I was faced with financial problems, he was there for me. I love him too much but I can’t stop seeing other guys.

I’m not sleeping with anyone else now but I enjoy the multiple attention and I think this started as a result of my lifestyle in the university. Back in school I didn’t have a boyfriend. I enjoyed being chased by multiple guys and making them prove their love but right now am stuck with this ‘habit’ and I need a way out. And it’s not the money that’s my problem, I don’t even need their money but if it comes fine☺. Please advise this young girl as you would your sister. Thanks a lot, Fam!

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31 Comments

  1. Ima

    July 21, 2016 at 11:23 pm

    Hmm. It is well. Pray against the spirit of whoring and greed. Pray really hard so it doesn’t destroy you. At least you are seeking help. Just hold on tight and try to put your desires under control.

    • oversabi

      July 22, 2016 at 3:01 am

      This is a whatever story. I was chased around by boys and men in college. At some point I may have had 6 to 7 suitors and I always said no. It was fun eating fried rice and chicken and snacking at expensive places while someone you did not care about wooed you. But,. The minute I left uni that was the end of it. Your problem is that you do not love yourself and you get affirmation that you are worth something from the attention you get from men. Let me issue you a shocker that should bring you back to your senses. Once you are past the teen years, early 20s and you have slept with 1 or 2 while in a supposedly steady relationship, word goes around that you are available for quickies. Then the attention onslaught starts. It is not because they think you are pretty. It is because they believe they can have a piece of the pie at no expense. Close ya legs and think of HIV and death each time a man approaches you. Cleanse your head and stop having daddy issues. mtcheew.

  2. Bey

    July 21, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    Gurlllll Bye
    can’t deal. Have no advice.
    Just know condoms can break. Plenty STDs around. Those I can’t even spell on dis post. Don’t be a walking disease dear. You are worth more than a mans piece of meat. You think dey don’t talk abt you and what an easy lay you are. They wld even be telling dere friends to try their luck.Dat ur a cheerful giver, and d sexual positions you like.
    How do ppl have multiple sexual partners sef. Nna dey try o.

  3. Efe

    July 21, 2016 at 11:53 pm

    But I find it hard to believe that girls don’t have emotional attachments to guys they are I intimate with, well except if you’re a prostitute but nowadays I hear lots of girls talk about how they only keep different men just for several reasons and really don’t have any feelings for them. Well the tables are slowly turning coz men used to feel like the only ones who can.
    Well over to the poster, I can only say be careful, since you say you’re not sleeping with anyone else now , that’s good but still you need to make up your mind and decide what you want. What if you get caught, would you want to loose this awesome guy? Just let go of the desires and commit to loving this man so you can make the both of you the happiest version of yourselves.
    Don’t gbensh again o….#bye

  4. Mr. Egghead

    July 21, 2016 at 11:59 pm

    Kontinuu, you hear! The karma that will hit you will be lovingly packaged by the guys at Amazon.
    You’re 25 and feeling fly because all these dudes are flocking around you. Sad thing is you’re just prime p**sy to those guys. You’re not paying for those “gifts” now but very soon those brothahs are going to demand some form of “compensation” for all their loving kindness. Thirsty men don’t shower gifts and attention on a nubile woman because they like the way she holds a pen.

    So just spare your boyfriend the inevitable heartache and break up with him now. For you, the world is not enough. An unhealthy mix of greed and something else is bubbling in your heart. You seemingly lack the emotional depth to fan the embers of a relationship and I daresay that a haze of narcissism and warped sense of self-love has rendered you devoid of empathy.
    After you break up with him, please feel free to jump on the cock carousel and have the ride of your life. You’re young and it will be fun and you will have a lot of material possessions to call your own. Girls will want to be like you on IG when you show them all the nice things that Mr. Rich Maga has bought for you.
    Note to op: please use protection when riding the cock carousel.

    In the end, you’ll hit the Wall and become sane (maybe mid 30s) and the latest iphone/ Birkin will stop getting you giddy. Suddenly you’ll realize you can live without attention then you’ll probably join a church and become an usher/chorister; then one sorry ass brother will fall into your trap and wife you up. Then if your tubes have not been ravaged by chlamydia, you and your new beau will have lovely children and live happily ever after.
    The End

    See, it can work out well in the end. You can play around with Alhaji ‘God is my provider’ & Chad Thundercock and still have a good life in the end

    • The P

      July 22, 2016 at 12:58 am

      Guy. I tell you. even the guys don they open eye now.

      Babe go dey f*k every d**k in her prime. When she’s now getting fatter and uglier, she would want to form church geh in the hopes of landing good man. Lol. Boys don wise now o. I tell you.

      I know a guy that thoroughly researched his bae. (Mind this guy is an upright man) He research am well well. When he then realized the bae had been a h… He called it off. The bae tried to guilt him by playing the victim card and let the past be passed. Baba no gree o. After the whole ish sha. She commot the church probably to try her hustle somewhere else.

    • nwa nna

      July 22, 2016 at 1:37 am

      @mr. Egghead, you are wicked! “Alhaji God is my provider” & “Mr Thundercock!! ???
      She loves him but only cheated on him 3 times… Isn’t that an oxymoron?! Listen, you’re only 25 and still need room to explore and jump on as many mics as you please but do not fvck with someone else’s emotions…
      I think from your letter, you sound like someone who’s lacking in the self esteem department so you need to be affirmed by other’s in order to feel good about yourself.

    • Wanderlust _Trekeffect?

      July 22, 2016 at 4:27 am

      Chad Thundercock???Dude your comment these days are over the roof hilarious. Great advice?
      Idealist, Kelechi and others, claiming that its no big deal because guys do it to girls makes you part of the problem. No sincere person should be treated in that manner whether male or female. If a person is unable to commit to a relationship please leave the relationship, afterwards y’all will be back on BN asking where are the good men/women, its experiences like this involving selfish patners who played on their emotions that killed them.

    • dee

      July 22, 2016 at 7:55 am

      Chai, u get bad mouth sha, but u are right, maybe after sowing her wild oats she would find the right path.

  5. ElessarisElendil

    July 22, 2016 at 12:02 am

    ????????????????

    Its simple, you’re the Bellanaija comment section’s idea of a Nigerian man stuck in a woman’s body. Enjoy yourself jare.

    Serious note, humans often seek the stability of relationships because we need a safety net of companionship our old age. You’re clearly attractive to a lot of people, but you always won’t be. The real question here is are you willing to settle down or do you wish to become the woman long past her prime who has nobody waiting at home?

    Might work in countries with state funded safety nets, but not in Nigeria. That’s before we get into the whole fornication is a sin business.

  6. nene

    July 22, 2016 at 12:23 am

    i pity the men who call you their girlfriend. how would you feel if your bf started acting like u? go back to ur university days of being single and loving attention than dating someone.

  7. slice

    July 22, 2016 at 12:29 am

    You may be forcing yourself to settle down faster than you’re ready. If u leave off the fear of not finding anyone later, it might actually be better for to “party” a bit and free yourself from a relationship you’re obviously not committed to anyway

  8. Wendy

    July 22, 2016 at 1:11 am

    Cut yourself off NOW!! My friend ended up cheating on her husband twice in the first year of her marriage due to similar issues to yours.
    She was just like you! No boyfriend multiple toasters… then she got one, got engaged and she refused to let anyone know… This babe had two ‘boyfriends’ and countless toasters on the side up until 2 weeks to her wedding. No sex! In fact she married as a virgin…she just simply lived for the attention. By the time she got married she became restless within a matter of a few months, she had a full make out session with someone from work at an hotel, and almost left her husband for one of her ‘exes’. Even though her husband didn’t know the full extent of things, he could sense she wasn’t all in. Plus she kept picking on him and complaining, it took her husband giving her the ultimatum to commit or leave and the entire family doing meeting on top her matter for her to settle down.
    You don’t want the drama. Trust me. Some people are not so lucky.

    • viv

      July 22, 2016 at 8:25 am

      A friend of mine has similar issues as ur friend does..She has one million toaters buh shes not in any relationship.She .tells all of them she loves them… Her phone rings like crazy. She just loves the attention. I jst hope she gets serious now with her love life before its too late

    • babe

      July 22, 2016 at 10:24 am

      i was like that too o. I so craved for the attention after marriage. Especially as Mr. Hubby just saw me as a trophy he had won and placed me at home.

      Now I am in a better place. the attention is still there somehow but it does not get to me and now I have a better hubby so its all fine. but i can very well relate to the lady’s problem. I felt that way myself even in marriage.

      Dear Poster, ask yourself what will matter in 10years time. that is the choice you should work hard to achieve because all of this will definitely fizzle out and all these guys will realize your game and leave . when they are gone where will you want to be.

      all the best #playwithmaturity.

  9. Nunulicious

    July 22, 2016 at 1:42 am

    Kontinue!
    #sideeye

  10. Idealist

    July 22, 2016 at 1:45 am

    What she’s doing is what most guys do anyway. So what’s the difference? Oh she’s female, I forgot.
    All I can say is Sis, please begin to get serious with your life, also, do unto others what you want done to you. Change your ways please.

  11. Kelechi

    July 22, 2016 at 3:15 am

    You really didn’t write this epistle because you need advice, you are probably a regular here at bella naija, the main reason you wrote this is to chastise about how many men are looking out for you and how you have been playing them. At 25, you are in your prime, so enjoy it while it lingers. Am certainly sick and tired of hearing the deeds being done to Nigerian ladies, to a little manoeuvring from ladies like you will help counterbalance the stories.

  12. aj

    July 22, 2016 at 4:12 am

    She is just going through her hoe phase! She was probably one of those girls in high school/college that the boys didn’t pay attention to and she became good looking and financially comfortable then she unleashed her inner wild child. girl just get it out of your system quickly before your wonderful man dumps you.

  13. Ajala & Foodie

    July 22, 2016 at 5:28 am

    Just wondering where the likes of Paul Adeyemo and co are. They think say na only man get monopoly on “sharing the love abroad”!!! See una sister in the lord. Well, at least she acknowledges the error of her ways unlike una. There is love in sharing ba???

  14. Sugar

    July 22, 2016 at 7:24 am

    I’ve been watching this drama series, if loving you is wrong by Tyler Perry. Alex had an affair with her neighbour and the act has not only destroyed her marriage, it is destroying her, has turned the world of so many innocent good people sour & against each other.
    Most times it’s never really about us, but what the impact of our actions will do to others. Honey think deeply about it before it’s too late, the time to start making changes is now!

  15. Tosin

    July 22, 2016 at 7:33 am

    I only have a problem with the lying part. To thine own self be true.

  16. anonymous

    July 22, 2016 at 10:07 am

    i would advice you to stop it immediately, and cut off all connections to this men and delete any prove you may have on your phone because the day he checks your phone, you would crush his soul.
    i was in a similar situation. i would flirt with other men over text messages but i never had any physical contact with them, just a thrill for killing boredom. six months into my relationship with the most liberal minded man i have ever known (who would have definitely forgiven me if i confessed the several times he asked) and its my birthday. he goes out of his way to plan a surprise party and even a proposal was in plan for that day, one thing lead to another and he saw all my flirtatious messages on my phone. it crushed his soul and now we are trying to see if the relationship can still work.

    my dear if he loves you enough to give freedom, make it a priority not to abuse that freedom. As for you, take your flirtatious character to Jesus to fix you. you should also consider confessing your sins, it would help you find peace within. if you don’t, you would leave with the guilt of what you have done and the fear of him leaving you when he finds out. you just cant hide it.

    …………just saying………………

  17. Great Lady

    July 22, 2016 at 11:18 am

    You’re suffering from a terrible case of a low self esteem. You don’t have confidence or self love, so the attention from men is making you to feel good. Unfortunately it’s just for a while,the way you’ll be dropped eh, it’ll be like a hot potato.
    When that happens, you’ll be worse off. You’ll feel more terrible about yourself than you ever did.
    My advice, firstly you need Jesus to fix your life.
    Next break up with your boyfriend, cos you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship neither to be committed with anyone.
    Work on your self esteem and confidence. Read uplifting books, do positive things in people’s lives. Change your cycle of friends.
    Memoirsofagreatlady.com

    • shield

      July 22, 2016 at 11:56 am

      Hey poster, this is the advice for you. Please follow every thing she said immediately. Don’t think you can still work around this problem. I wish you the best.

  18. Hibik

    July 22, 2016 at 11:19 am

    u are really lucky chick, u gat a guy that loves u and he his willing to stay with u and u still cheating on him….. chai bae I pray u change very soon…cause all those attention u getting won’t last long…

  19. Nnenna

    July 22, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    You’re 25… I’m 24. Let me advice you. You see that attention you crave so badly you’d cheat on a good man 3 times for??? E go tire you. You need to work on your self esteem. As Mr Egghead put it.. you are honestly just prime pussy. Settle down. If you don’t control yourself now you may never do it. You don’t need male attention to feel beautiful. You don’t need those gifts because you’d feel obligated to pay in kind one day. You have a good man, do not ruin it for momentary meaningless pleasure.
    I had someone that gave me attention… Loads of it, then a month after I said no and gave myself a thorough warning , he got engaged to his girlfriend. I didn’t even know he was dating… I was basking in the attention. I would have hurt myself, ruined a good relationship because “he gave me attention”.
    you are so young.. Channel those cravings to yourself. Give yourself attention na. better yourself

  20. Yummychickcummummy

    July 22, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    Just a pity, if that good guy get to know abt ur shit, u will mess him up for a good woman who will truly love him and b faithful to him….. MISS continue, soon u will see what u r loosing, it ur body **won pe e ni sisi in E n dun, won so e di apere ajase” translation : dey r calling u fine bae, wen u r used n dumped by many, u will know.

  21. purplieciousbabe

    July 22, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    But why cant females do what guys do? Lol.
    I actually find it amusing. I like controversy to be fair.
    Mr Egghead said it all.
    It a shame an innocent soul (bf) that is if he is innocent @ all is stuck in this.

    On the deep side, to be honest I would not encourage this act on so many levels.
    I am not your Judge or Jury so I cant pass any comment.

  22. Menoword

    July 22, 2016 at 10:57 pm

    See a therapist. Find someone to talk to about why you feel the need for so much attention. I suspect you perhaps either have a sibling who was always the golden child, or underwent a recent ugly duckling to swan metamorphosis or perhaps had an emotionally abusive relationship. Whichever it is, somewhere inside you is the feeling that your beauty is measured by how many men find you attractive – sexually. Talk to someone that can non judgmentally lead you down the road of your past to the origin of your behaviour.

    I don’t think you’re ready to stop, but recognising that your behaviour isn’t ideal is a good start. Whatever happens with this relationship, you owe it to yourself to deal with and resolve this

  23. shawn

    July 27, 2016 at 5:20 pm

    Go and watch war room. LOL

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