Queen: Why? What’s really happening?
Bimpe: My Mother-in-law. She is just impossible, causes misunderstanding between my man (Eric) and myself, she is never satisfied, always picking on me, talks to me rudely and although Eric always tries to calm me down and scold his mother, I am not sure I can keep fighting.
Why can’t she just love me like she loves her son? Why? How hard is that?
Hmm, OK, before we dive into Bimpe’s scenario; may I mention that I have zero support for ladies who go ahead to marry a man whose family show disrespect and dislike for her from the onset?
I think she is just entering an emotional war, she might never win; and even if she won, she would be too tired to love her man because she had spent all her energy fighting to be loved by people who chose not to for little or no reason.
Back to Bimpe. (I am going to remain silent on what a man can or should do if he notices his family is at war with his wife – just because, it is a contentious subject and a topic on its own.)
So, yes, we know that there are some wives who are quite disrespectful or already with the “African Magic” mindset of how they need to act towards their in-laws and no matter how hard they try to show her love, she doesn’t reciprocate; but then, some mother-in-law are from the PIT of hell.
I’m sorry… but that’s how some mothers-in-law are. They cannot be loved or satisfied. They just act like they had done you a great favor by allowing you marry their son and you should forever be a slave washing their feet.
If you have such mother in -law- Sorry!
I remember a friend of mine complained about her mother-in-law and I didn’t realize how terrible it was until I visited her.
As I walked in, I saw how the mother in-law called, spoke and commanded her like a maid. What! Nothing she did was fine, there was a last hiss and sigh from the woman for everything she collected from my friend.
And, No, the woman wasn’t like that because she spoke to me with so much respect, but when she had to say something to my friend, she changes her tone and countenance to a terrible one just so she can show she is in control.
If you happen to be in such dilemma with your mother in law, here are a few tips for you:
1. You must make sure you put her and her actions plus your reactions into a compartment. You don’t want her to toy with your emotions so bad that you transfer your aggression to your children or your man. (It’s like having a bad boss, you try so hard not to transfer your boss’ aggression to your friends after work or your family as well).
2. Please don’t confront her rudely. Actually, I am against confronting your mother in-law at all, because it hardly ends well and most of the time your little words are taken out of context. But if you must confront, make sure you choose your words carefully and don’t be rude.
3. Never attack your mother in-law when speaking about her actions with your man. Make sure you isolate the actions of the person. If you attack his mother, usually and mostly it probably will get him defensive.
4. Slow to speak, fast to hear. Try as much as possible to know who your mother in-law is. Even Margret Thatcher had a soft spot. Sometimes you just need to be quiet and sensitive to know how to act right. It’s not just about how you relate with your mum; no two human are the same.
5. Check your motive. Are you really doing the things you do because you care or just as an obligation with no love? If you define your motive, and you can tell it’s pure, it will give you some sort of deep peace even in the chaos.
Lastly, remember it is not so easy to part or share with what you have had exclusive rights to for a long time. Make excuses for her and try to live your own life happily regardless.
As far as it is not life threatening, breathe and keep breathing… she is only being human (maybe a terrible one)..but she will come around or NOT.
Photo Credit: Deborah Cloyed | Dreamstime.com