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Queen: 5 Tips on How to Deal with a Mother-In-law From Hell

QueenYinka

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Bimpe: Hi Queen, I’m getting fed up of my marriage.

Queen: Why? What’s really happening?

Bimpe: My Mother-in-law. She is just impossible, causes misunderstanding between my man (Eric) and myself, she is never satisfied, always picking on me, talks to me rudely and although Eric always tries to calm me down and scold his mother, I am not sure I can keep fighting.

Why can’t she just love me like she loves her son? Why? How hard is that?

Hmm, OK, before we dive into Bimpe’s scenario; may I mention that I have zero support for ladies who go ahead to marry a man whose family show disrespect and dislike for her from the onset?
I think she is just entering an emotional war, she might never win; and even if she won, she would be too tired to love her man because she had spent all her energy fighting to be loved by people who chose not to for little or no reason.

Back to Bimpe. (I am going to remain silent on what a man can or should do if he notices his family is at war with his wife – just because, it is a contentious subject and a topic on its own.)

So, yes, we know that there are some wives who are quite disrespectful or already with the “African Magic” mindset of how they need to act towards their in-laws and no matter how hard they try to show her love, she doesn’t reciprocate; but then, some mother-in-law are from the PIT of hell.

I’m sorry… but that’s how some mothers-in-law are. They cannot be loved or satisfied. They just act like they had done you a great favor by allowing you marry their son and you should forever be a slave washing their feet.

If you have such mother in -law- Sorry!
I remember a friend of mine complained about her mother-in-law and I didn’t realize how terrible it was until I visited her.

As I walked in, I saw how the mother in-law called, spoke and commanded her like a maid. What! Nothing she did was fine, there was a last hiss and sigh from the woman for everything she collected from my friend.
And, No, the woman wasn’t like that because she spoke to me with so much respect, but when she had to say something to my friend, she changes her tone and countenance to a terrible one just so she can show she is in control.

If you happen to be in such dilemma with your mother in law, here are a few tips for you:
1.    You must make sure you put her and her actions plus your reactions into a compartment. You don’t want her to toy with your emotions so bad that you transfer your aggression to your children or your man. (It’s like having a bad boss, you try so hard not to transfer your boss’ aggression to your friends after work or your family as well).

2.    Please don’t confront her rudely. Actually, I am against confronting your mother in-law at all, because it hardly ends well and most of the time your little words are taken out of context. But if you must confront, make sure you choose your words carefully and don’t be rude.

3.    Never attack your mother in-law when speaking about her actions with your man. Make sure you isolate the actions of the person. If you attack his mother,  usually and mostly it probably will get him defensive.

4.    Slow to speak, fast to hear. Try as much as possible to know who your mother in-law is. Even Margret Thatcher had a soft spot. Sometimes you just need to be quiet and sensitive to know how to act right. It’s not just about how you relate with your mum; no two human are the same.

5.    Check your motive. Are you really doing the things you do because you care or just as an obligation with no love? If you define your motive, and you can tell it’s pure, it will give you some sort of deep peace even in the chaos.

Lastly, remember it is not so easy to part or share with what you have had exclusive rights to for a long time. Make excuses for her and try to live your own life happily regardless.

As far as it is not life threatening, breathe and keep breathing… she is only being human (maybe a terrible one)..but she will come around or NOT.

Photo Credit: Deborah Cloyed | Dreamstime.com

27 Comments

  1. Amaa

    February 21, 2017 at 9:32 pm

    This is incomplete and your advice has not addressed the problem and the solution you have given it’s not only inappropriate but has not taken into consideration our society.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 21, 2017 at 9:48 pm

      Unfortunately, the problem which is the mother-in-law can’t really be addressed because you can’t change anyone…you can only control how you react to it. Also, the tips are not solutions…just way to cope and maybe live more peacefully. However, like I try to point in the last paragraph…they might work or NOT. In it all, just learn to live.
      Bimpe made a decision to live and her WILL has given her more peace and less drama even though her MIL hasn’t changed.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 21, 2017 at 9:49 pm

      Thanks for reading.

  2. Uberhaute

    February 21, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    I just wasted my mb?. You didn’t address the issue at all… You played around it

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 21, 2017 at 9:52 pm

      Awwww…sorry about your MB. I probably did to the best of my knowledge. Thanks for reading.

  3. Pink

    February 21, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    I finished reading and i was even more confused.
    Is this an attempt at being ‘politically correct?

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 21, 2017 at 10:48 pm

      #face covered… maybe my heart was missing in it. Thanks for reading though

  4. Anne

    February 21, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    Pray to God for wisdom. He can simplify complicated issues.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 21, 2017 at 10:59 pm

      Yeah…and only He has the power to change hearts. Thanks for reading.

  5. Deb

    February 22, 2017 at 1:54 am

    Confront your mother in law and anybody making life unbearable for you, they willl change their tactics because the won’t expect it. My gist with me MIL is a story on its own but GOD has given me strength and victory although the pains are still there. If you are married to a bad family, you are in deep shit and its only GOD that can save you because you wont be able to concentrate on your life.
    My mother in law as poisoned me before and attacked my daughter spiritually. All the clothes in my engagement box as wedding gift my tailor made mistakes (unlike her)and did not put allowance so i couldnt wear them,oh she was furious began to curse the tailor.Oh yes I confronted her because she pretends to be a Christain, I said every evil any one does to me that it will go back to such person’s female children, she stood up and said no it wont go back to anybody’s female child and I replied henhen. I told my late father in law’s friends and my husband. The following day I did not offer her food. She says evil things about me but those people will still come back to tell me(elderly people)
    She wants to come around again and im going to put epo obo in her food.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 22, 2017 at 12:37 pm

      Wow.

  6. Anonymous

    February 22, 2017 at 2:37 am

    On Tip number 1; i always thought the expression was “toy with your emotions” but Queen and BN with their poor editorial skills want me to believe otherwise. What a shame.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 22, 2017 at 6:48 am

      Just checked and it says ‘toy with your emotions’…maybe it has been corrected. Not sure what was written before, but it must have been an oversight (shouldn’t be an excuse though). Thanks for the correction and for reading.

  7. chifire

    February 22, 2017 at 7:19 am

    I’m going thru dt phase now, MIL was all sweet & nice wen we got married but now, its d opposite. Yes, i might have done something wrong, but as a mother, do u pay back by trying 2 break ur sons home?
    How am I coping?
    I totally ignored her, like deleted her off my memory, now d gist I’m hearing is dt, I don’t call her or care about her welfare. D thing is, u can’t treat pple anyhow & expect a nice outcome. U can’t spew hate & expect love. u can’t attempt 2 use a hammer 2 kill an ant, u will destroy other things in d process.
    I keep praying 2 God & also working on myself, i don’t want to be ds type of MIL I’m complaining about. I want to be so nice & good that my DIL would come to love me more than her own mum.
    PS.
    My mum is worse than my MIL, my brother’s wife is fighting her own battle there, tougher than mine.
    ??????????

    • babe

      February 22, 2017 at 9:27 am

      thanks for being honest.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 22, 2017 at 10:08 am

      Thank you for this. At the end of the day we just have to find a way to live for ourselves.

    • yinka

      February 22, 2017 at 7:55 pm

      What did u do because according to you she was nice before u “made some mistakes”.see how you stylishly omitted your misdeeds and amplified hers.

    • Idomagirl

      February 23, 2017 at 3:13 am

      Try to talk to your mother to give your brother’s wife some peace abeg…

  8. Chidiogo

    February 22, 2017 at 7:25 am

    Thanks so much for the tips.. I will keep them in mind

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 22, 2017 at 10:09 am

      Thanks for reading. Happy you found them worth keeping.

  9. Ifymcqueens

    February 22, 2017 at 9:22 am

    I noticed from my wedding that my mil is extremely controlling & domineering if u give her the chance….It pays to understand people and treat them accordingly..

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 22, 2017 at 12:37 pm

      Very True… Thanks for reading

  10. Ever Green

    February 22, 2017 at 1:17 pm

    Deb, I like how you used your back to sender statement, I am sure that I just dodge a bullet after reading your comments about monster inlaw although I am still hurting and feel sad because it is emotionally draining but now I realise every disappointment is a blessing, one day I will feel better and whole again.
    I pray to God to give me someone better and someone from a good family background that are not holier than thou inlaw especially those ones that pretend to be religious but they dont know God at all, I will keep on trusting God and take it one day at a time until i feel better.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 22, 2017 at 3:18 pm

      A life threatening bullet I must say. Your man’s family mustn’t be all over you, but they must at least love and respect you. Thanks for reading

  11. Idomagirl

    February 23, 2017 at 3:17 am

    Omo this mother-in-law business, I always pray for God to have mercy and spare me because I’ve seen people go through it and it is torture.
    Another category are the sister-in-laws from hell.
    I know someone with two very domineering SILs, sotay the husband is afraid of them.
    No be small thing she dey see.

    • QueenYinka

      Queen

      February 23, 2017 at 10:43 am

      Wish her strength. Thanks for reading

  12. Eaglebabe

    February 28, 2017 at 12:32 pm

    Fortunately for me, my husband is an only child and his mother loves me like a daughter she never had. She has visited my husband and I once even after 3 years of being married to her son. She calls everyday, prays for us, we attend the same church. She encourages me a lot since I’ve been trying to conceive 3 years now. When i’m admitted at the hospital, she sleeps at the ward with me and prays till I get better. I love and respect her a lot.

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