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Kurtis Smith: The Dog Ate My Suya

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It’s with a bitter heart, angry spirit and a hungry stomach that I pen this article. There is nothing more painful and discomforting than what I am about to relay on this piece. It speaks of betrayal, carelessness, hurt and distrust. After investing so much of my time, energy and effort into this relationship, so much love, money why did I get such treatment? I think it’s safe to say that I have been mistreated by a dog.

A cruel thing to say right?
Hear me out first.

Here is a genesis of my debacle.
I had had just endured a very long day at the office. Hunger and tiredness were as close to as my shadow. With a hurting back, shaking legs and a mentally drained spirit, I had stopped at a suya kiosk to get dinner (bachelor style). I waited patiently as the aboki cut the full chicken into bits (just how I like it). The thought of running my hands across those oily laps of chicken, picking them apart and then crushing those soft sumptuous bones kept me sane.

Aboki, abeg put plenty onions and pepper“, I said gleefully as I fetched the moulds of cash in my wallet to pay him. It was as the chicken suya exchanged hands that I felt a sudden surge of energy and vitality. The back pain, biting stomach and sprained neck all of a sudden disappeared as I held the nylon of suya in my hands. So much promise was in that one nylon of suya. I held it close as I walked back home with the hot smell of the suya deeply entrenched in my system as I sang hymns on the walk home.

I got to my crib (a rented one bedroom flat), I erroneously/stupidly/carelessly put the suya in the burglary proof as I proceeded to open it and then the door of my house. While opening the door, a call came through (from my beautiful mum) and in that instance, I forgot I hadn’t taken the suya from the floor I kept them while opening the entrance to the crib. I entered the house, engaged my mum in a lengthy conversation. After the phone call, I got changed, showered, put on the generator, put on the goddamn TV, tuned the channel to the Big Brother Naija highlight program on Mnet and it was only then that I remembered that I was hungry and sought for my suya.
Here is the sad and heartbreaking part.

I looked for the suya everywhere, in the parlour, in the kitchen, in the bedroom and even in the bathroom… all to no avail. Then, it dawned on me that I had forgotten the hot steamy chicken suya on the floor of the entrance to the house.

With a heavy heart, I opened the door but my bag of chicken suya was nowhere to be found. I let out a loud scream only drowned by the generator noise, because my neighbours would have thought something was wrong with their very quiet and reserved co-tenant.

I didn’t need a soothsayer to tell me that Lucky (my dog) had broken my heart. The same dog I cherish. The same dog I care for and even dash the remnants of my food. The same dog I used to feed milk when it was just a baby. I felt betrayed, angry and possessed. It was with that hurt that I embarked on a mission to find Lucky and deal with it mercilessly. What nonsense!

It was in this revenge mission that a few questions creeped in my head which stopped me dead in my tracks.
Whose fault is it that Lucky eat my much loved and cherished suya?
Lucky’s fault for being a dog? As a matter of fact, which dog doesn’t like eating meat?
Was it my fault for being careless enough to keep my suya within Lucky’s smell zone?

It was totally my fault.
It was with this shame of realization that I dropped the stick I had fetched for Lucky, got to my crib, cooked indomie, eat with a heavy heart and slept.
When was the last you saw ladies blame themselves for a heartbreak? They seldomly do. It’s always the guy’s fault. He is a bastard. He is a player. He is a cheat. He is a child in a grown man’s body. In fact, he is a dog.
Sounds familiar?

It’s high time you take full responsibility for the outcome of your relationships. The blame game won’t take you farther than the next relationship. Then the next relationship. And then the next relationship.
A guy shows you his true colors, believe him the first time. Don’t let the euphoria of love blind you to a guy’s shortsightedness.

The same way I felt betrayed by Lucky for eating my suya is the same way girls feel betrayed by their boo for cheating on them or breaking their heart; they fail to realise that ample signs were available to them. Love/infatuation/lust (whatever you choose to call it) clouded their judgement.
He is close to his ex-girlfriends.
He doesn’t pick calls when with you.
He is never available when you try to reach him.
He always claims busy for not calling for a while.
He always guards his phone and passwords it religiously.
He has unexplained female company.
He travels alot without your knowledge.
He is always on the phone when with you.

These among others are tale signs but when emotions are involved, ladies ignore them and later scream heartbreak when the deed is done.
Lucky eat my suya because I let it. Simple.
You got heartbroken because you let it happen. Simple.
Take responsibility and stop letting ‘lucky’ guys eat your ‘suya’ for free.
Be in love but more importantly be a smart girl in love.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Charles Nwolisa is a Relationship Advisor and Writer whose self-styled 'lomour' articles infuses humour into love write-ups making relationship talks not as depressing and soul searching as writers make it look. Join in his adventure by ffl on IG: @bae.logic or visiting www.TheBAElogic.com.

12 Comments

  1. Mojola

    March 30, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Smart post!

  2. PH Boy

    March 30, 2017 at 11:45 am

    Abeg leave women and their drama because it aint gonna change even in the next century. Get used to it.
    But as for Lucky, he must produce that suya o! Oti o!

  3. Rubby

    March 30, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    You r a writer,you should know when to use eat or ate,you should proof read your work before you submit….you were too excited about your “out of the world revelation” that women blame men for their heart break instead of themselves….is that new to you….that we can fail an exam and blame the govt and on and on…..you should have just told us an already interesting/relatable story about ur suya and the dog,we would laf and cry and laf again….i would have forgiven the grammatical errors,afterall it was comedy…so u want to be a pro and u can differentiate when to use eat and ate?it ended up being irritating…

    • Rubby Sparks

      March 30, 2017 at 2:39 pm

      Please stop trying to deflect attention from the message in this post to something else.

  4. Cee

    March 30, 2017 at 1:53 pm

    Oh no what type of metaphor is this, Man is man suya is suya. Owner of dog must pay for my suya. ps I’m a Spanish missing Nigerian in diaspora where no aboki makes suya. Lol

  5. "changing moniker"

    March 30, 2017 at 2:16 pm

    i liked reading this….

  6. Deleke

    March 30, 2017 at 2:16 pm

    The hunger no waya u enough. The accompanying garri and epa I would have whipped out to go with that suya would make me ignore the call, whoever it might have been

  7. Olori Ola

    March 30, 2017 at 3:46 pm

    Thank you…..

  8. Whocares

    March 30, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    Well this was silly. I was looking forward to a good laugh, but I thought the first bit seemed similar to another story by Temi. A about croissants.. then I read the end.. *sigh* guys need to STOP giving unsolicited advise to women. Yes it’s a good message overall and we should all accept responsibility for our actions- yes ; beht oga, if you are not in the relationship between a and b, plix c yourself to the nearest bench and park it well there. Features that generalise in this sense irritate me; and to think I was even enjoying the story at the beginning. In the betrayed one here if you ask me.

  9. Ottawa Queen

    March 30, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Well, Lucky assumed you bought him the suya. You dropped it for him and left. Because, only animals are served their food on the floor. Good you realized it’s not the dog’s fault. It only acted from instincts. As for the relationship issue, it applies both ways. Whether you see the signs or not, that does not justify the cause for heartbreaks. I believe as humans, we should act civilized, treat and respect one another equally in the right way. What does one really gain from hurting the other? Seriously??

  10. Nv

    March 31, 2017 at 9:58 am

    Lucky is an animal that acted on his basic animalistic instincts. Are you now equating men to dogs who can’t help themselves?

    Anyway, I get that you were trying to make a point about taking responsibility but the irony of absolving the other party kukuma sticks out. Also, if you’re going to go that route, try and write something with more depth that explores the complexities of these issues, not this simplistic finger-wagging.

    PS: please, in your haste to throw around the blame game(sweet irony), you forgot to proofread your article. Biko, its embarrassing.

    PPS: Hunger no waya u wella! You for no forget your hard earned suya. No call can come in between o!

    Good effort sha!

  11. kay

    April 3, 2017 at 9:16 am

    There is no formula to a relationship, its not mathematics

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