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Aunty Bella: Mrs. How Do I Protect My Kids From My Husband?

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.
***

Hello my Bella fam, I have a situation and I NEED advice from you guys. It’s a long story but I’ll try and summarise.
I got married to this man some six years back now. We met under rather complicated circumstances. You could say he was a rebound guy for me and I never saw any future in what we had so I ended it. Not long after, I found out I was pregnant. I was four months gone then. I don’t know why it never crossed my mind to think I might be pregnant. Maybe it’s because my period had tripped off once for about three months so… I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward to the seventh month of my pregnancy. I told my parents after hiding it for so long. They were devastated. Especially my Dad. So when they pressured me to marry my now husband, I agreed even though I did not want to in the slightest. I talked myself into it as I saw no other way out. I didn’t know how to go against my parents. I felt I owed them after getting pregnant the way I did.

So we got married and things have never been good. Each year, my husband starts these fights me. During these “fights”, he would be insensitive, cruel and just mean. He has a vile temper too. Now even though I didn’t want to get married to him at first, I threw myself into loving him and giving my marriage everything I had. But he just wouldn’t give me peace. He was thoroughly convinced that he had done me a favour by marrying me.
He would hound me with comments like; “I’m just managing you” or “no man can ever love you”. He would humiliate me in front of his staff, drivers, nannies, you name it. During all my pregnancies he would insist I cook for him no matter what. He doesn’t care whether I’m ill or tired…

On a regular day, I cook, clean and take care of the kids and WORK. I get the children up for school and bathe them, make breakfast, drive them to school and then head to work myself. After school I pick them up, drive them home then head back to work. After work, I stop at the market before heading home so I can fix dinner. My life has just been this rollercoaster of work, kids and husband.

Things came to head last year after I got pregnant the third time. Money was tight and since I usually take care of food and other household needs, things became pretty strained. I cleaned out most of my savings until I felt I could take it no more. I don’t know if he thought I was lying when I told him I had no money but whatever the reason, this man refused to bring it. There were days I had to pay friends surprise visits after school cause there was no food at home. I literarily begged this man and he did nothing. I begged my friends and family for fuel for my car and food for my kids. It’s all so painful. I stuck with him when he started his business. I never complained when there was no money from his angle. I thought I was being supportive. I would stock the house with food; buy clothes for the kids. He paid the rent and school fees but that’s it. And when we needed him he just didn’t care. I was heavily pregnant and he never cared. I did everything myself and he just never cared. The first time he bought provisions for the house my boys were shocked. The older one said: “so Daddy, you had money all this time”. He has a sharp tongue. He’s only 6…

I confronted my husband after I had my baby and he just sat there and said nothing. He tried giving me excuses but… I was over it. He can’t touch me anymore. Nothing he says or does has any kind of effect on me. I just couldn’t care less. I told him I wanted a separation and he agreed to move out but changed his mind soon after. Now he doesn’t want a separation. He told me he was sorry and I should please forgive him but the thing is I just don’t care anymore. He cheats on me, treats me like trash and doesn’t know how to show up. The apology just sounded like another one of his lies.

But this is not the main problem for me. Something happened that shook me pretty badly. We were all in the sitting room just lying around. My younger son was asleep beside his father. Suddenly I saw my son’s hand in his father’s shorts, stroking his inner thigh around his balls. I was horrified. I waited for my husband to smack his hand away but he didn’t. He just lay there. And when my son (he’s 4 years old) wanted to get up, my husband pulled him back and held him to him in place. I jumped and called his name.

I confronted my husband and he lied and lied and lied. Told me I was insane. He threatened me and said all kinds of things I almost began to doubt what I had seen. But guys, I know what I saw.
What do I do now? Where do I go? Who would believe me? How do I protect my kids? I told my mum and she asked me to pray about it. Really?? My baby is just over six weeks. What step do I take? I have to protect my kids. I have some money in savings. That’s one thing I know how to do. But it’s not enough to get me a place with my kids and pay for fees and feeding expenses and so on.

I wanted to leave the country but no money. In order to leave my husband, I need big money and I need support. I want to go but where do I go? I’ve got three kids and I do not want him near them. Please help me. For now, he watches himself around them and doesn’t go too close or anything. But for how long? I don’t sleep at night. I’m constantly checking on my kids. I also banned them from going to his room. If I see them get up and go to his room at night, I go right after them and take them right back to their room.
I’m going crazy here. And I need help.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

59 Comments

  1. Asa

    April 12, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    Jesu! I am horrified! Of all the nasties. Chi m! No way! Oh dear Lord. Babe you need to leave o! You cannot hang around. If your job is a good one, save money for rent and keep your eyes on the door. YOU HAVE to leave. In fact before your money is complete, you can leave to your parents’ house o. This one is not to be borne! before he molests your kids.

    • kaybee

      April 12, 2017 at 11:12 pm

      He has already began molesting the son na! The 4 yr old is stroking his dad’s balls. SMDH, get out today, tell your parents (or not) and leave now. Before he destroys your children’s destiny.

    • kaybee

      April 12, 2017 at 11:17 pm

      Still waiting for big money! I’m sorry gaan, but time is of the essence. First step is to remove your kids from his grasp. Living together and laying awake like maigard/vigilante is not the answer. An abuser/pedophile will always find a way if still within proximity of at risk children..

  2. Poesy

    April 12, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    I am not the best person to comment on this but I know for sure that you cannot afford to be physically isolated in such a difficult time as this. I don’t know whether you live close to your family or not but I would say, invite your mother or any other female relative over for omugwo.

    • Poesy

      April 12, 2017 at 4:21 pm

      You need an exit plan for sure, but in the mean time, you cannot be ‘alone’.

  3. Celine

    April 12, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    Dear Poster, is it possible to go to back to your parents house??? I mean will your parents turn you back if you insist this is the decision you are making. One things for sure, you need to leave immediately. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament, but can I use this medium to advice women after marriage please make family planning a priority. Especially when the money is scarce. I’m not berrating her for getting pregnant twice but after seeing certain signs from your spouse, please be careful with birthing more kids so as not to make things difficult when you decide to leave an abusive man.
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please if anyone knows of Women’s Shelter programs pls share.

  4. Nakoms

    April 12, 2017 at 4:29 pm

    Sista…….Sista…. Sista…. leave….. leave……. leave….. run as far as your “feet” can take you!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Nakoms

    April 12, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    ………..with your children as a matter of urgency…………

  6. Las

    April 12, 2017 at 4:40 pm

    If all you’ve said is true, please see below my 3-step recommendation:
    Step 1: Leave him
    Step 2: Leave him
    Step 3: Leave him

  7. fifi

    April 12, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    Run run away as fast as you can because it will never get better only worse. Trust me I know. You need to be very smart about it though and blind side him with a divorce make sure to move out secretly to another city or country if possible.

    • fifi

      April 12, 2017 at 4:47 pm

      Move back to your parents house, get a job, save and relocate as far away as possible from him.

  8. Nuna

    April 12, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    OMG THE HORROR!!!!!! OMG
    PLEASE TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND RUN! THIS MAN IS A BEAST.!

  9. shior

    April 12, 2017 at 5:00 pm

    lord have mercy! so many perverted men out there its shocking. please also speak to your lil man cos he might think its normal to do that to his dad. at least you caught yours early i just cant but imagine people that don’t know what their spouses are up to with their kids. little wonder why they grow up with issues. lord have mercy

  10. Belema

    April 12, 2017 at 5:00 pm

    You all are just saying leave, leave as if it’s that is easy and straightforward . Didn’t you read the post well. She is also in a tight financial corner. What are her options with 3 kids (one 3 weeks old), little savings and no help. Someone is even suggesting leaving the country asif it’s just about going to the next state.
    Well my advise is if you can stay with a relative for a while before you figure things out then yh go for it, your mum is UNREALISTIC. Pray ke! . Well you need to pray for direction and all but not to change your husband, e no go work. He isn’t husband material. If you still working, hold on to the job and save for a while.. You will be fine, the truth is that the marriage was never meant to be but it has happened, and 3 beautifully souls are now involved. Just pray for strength as a single mum now and save up to be on your own. You will be fine. Will say a prayer for you.

    • Anon

      April 12, 2017 at 7:46 pm

      I honestly disagree with this! Absolutely! Lemme put it in context for you, someone is ABUSING/MOLESTING your child! Who he is utterly irrelevant! His financial contributions are inconsequential.
      In answer to the lady’s questions u need to LEAVE ASAP! Sweetheart you are strong, you are already bearing most of financial burden anyways. U can do it! There will be hard times, I can tell you that hunger is better than being molested/abused. I believe in you, tell your family and ask if they can accommodate you for the time being. I’m sure your family won’t turn you away. If they do, go to your bank or ask for a short term loan. Look for cheap schools. RUN RUN!
      Report to police whilst his dealing with that, u can exit! God be with u!

    • belem

      April 13, 2017 at 8:57 am

      how have you been? you know who yea
      Thank God you have time to comment on BN but no time to reply your friends

    • Me

      April 13, 2017 at 11:09 pm

      If he/she has not been replying you,then maybe you are not his/her friend.

  11. hmm

    April 12, 2017 at 5:15 pm

    i jus de vex ! on top say u no like the guy u still go born picking three on top no support again! further trapping yourself with the peadophile! h,mmmmm i taya for this matta

  12. hmm

    April 12, 2017 at 5:16 pm

    beta run before your son becomes a possessed gay even if u don’t think your state of mind is worth protecting think of your kids God won’t hear sorrry oooo cos he let u catch him early

  13. Wow

    April 12, 2017 at 5:18 pm

    So basically he is sexually assaulting his own kids.

    As a matter of urgency, you must ensure you do NOT leave any of the children with him alone, pending the time you find a way out.

  14. devil's advocate

    April 12, 2017 at 5:46 pm

    I don’t know if my comment will pass moderation, but one thing is sure. Even if you take your kids away, your husband will find a way to produce more and molest them as he pleases… Why don’t you save your kids and other innocent children? Why don’t you just permanently remove the cancer? The operative word being PERMANENTLY… Well, that’s what I would do especially when we see how pedophilia is not punished in Nigeria…

    • kay

      April 13, 2017 at 5:14 pm

      Did u just advice her to kill him?

  15. cocolette

    April 12, 2017 at 5:48 pm

    your story made me shiver. you HAVE TO leave! can your parents house you? friends? sell your car, jewelry, clothes and get a self-contained apartment? If you say you are waiting to gather real money and anything happens to your kids, you will never forgive yourself. leave and be praying from outside. sorry to say, your husband has no conscience.
    Please women in terrible marriages, have one or two kids max and lock your reproduction while you are considering whether you can stay or not, a higher number of kids will not be easy to take care of on your own.

  16. S

    April 12, 2017 at 5:50 pm

    Don’t understand how you’re still coming to ask questions. Aside from all the trash you’ve been dealing with he’s harming your child in that manner and you’re still debating?! If your parents won’t support you in this decision you need to leave regardless. Beg anyone. Talk to your dad about it, your friends, other family members. Do what you must to get your children away from this animal. It’s not an easy invasion to get over and your son will definitely have this memory when he grows up. He’s four and old enough to remember. Get your kids away from him NOW.

  17. devil's advocate

    April 12, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Oh, and by the way, talk to your kids, train them like little soldiers to avoid the monster they call daddy. Teach them to avoid, bite, scream, hide whenever daddy dearest tries to molest them. Don’t try to hide things from them, tell them how wrong their father is for touching them… Until you decide to escape or remove the problem. Just don’t let your kids in doubt and fear. Don’t pray too much; ACT, DO SOMETHING!

  18. john

    April 12, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    I just dont believe this her story ..a desperate woman like her can cook anything up..go to any divorce court and u will hear worst things which turns out to be lies..she never loved this man to begin with and she think the mans is stupid not to notice that he is being used..now she is using her son to lie aganst his father..this is the exact thing that happen to one south african guy that was accused tby her daughter of molestation..not knowing that it was the mother/wife that instigated the whole thing.. .now the daughter is asking for forgiveness after almost 20 years after ..women !!! any sane person that believe a woman side of story is most stupid individual on planet earth..their lies have ruined empires and great kings

    • ara

      April 13, 2017 at 4:12 pm

      Dear John, you are very wrong about your assessment of the writer’s character. She isn’t a desperate woman as you put it. If you could only meet her in person, then you would understand. She is the kindest, humble, generous person with a beautiful heart. All she has written is true because I also witness some. Well, as they say, you are entitled to your own opinion. God bless you.

    • kay

      April 13, 2017 at 5:17 pm

      You sound like the man in question, why make your son touch you?

  19. john

    April 12, 2017 at 5:54 pm

    I just dont believe this her story ..a desperate woman like her can cook anything up..go to any divorce court and u will hear worst things which turns out to be lies..she never loved this man to begin with and she think the mans is stupid not to notice that he is being used..now she is using her son to lie aganst his father..this is the exact thing that happen to one south african guy that was accused tby her daughter of molestation..not knowing that it was the mother/wife that instigated the whole thing.. .now the daughter is asking for forgiveness after almost 20 years after ..women !!! any sane person that believe a woman side of story is most idiotic individual on planet earth..their lies have ruined empires and great kings

  20. Vera

    April 12, 2017 at 5:55 pm

    Here’s the thing sis, you have to be very careful and watchful! Do not go anywhere now! It’s too dangerous and he is out for you and the kids right now. Start saving and start saving. Don’t tell anybody again. Watch your kids like a hawk. Tell them to tell you anything daddy does when you’re not there including the one daddy said they should not tell mummy. Always be around them. Don’t confront yout husband about anything anymore, its pointless. Continue to watch and watch while you start gathering money. Do not leave now! I am talking from experience. If you leave now, you would end up going back because you would be struggling so much and nobody would believe what you say and it would be worse when you go back. Please and please gather money before you exit and do so quietly. My friend’s daughter’s father tried this rubbish and I she left but she did it with wisdom. Madam be wise and let your hawk eyes triple!

    • Chinyere Nwaoko

      April 13, 2017 at 10:30 am

      Vera this is the best advice to this woman, leave but leave with wisdom

  21. Jade

    April 12, 2017 at 5:58 pm

    Wow! Wow! Wow!
    What God have mercy. I was shaking when I read the part of your son and his dad. I’m proud of you that you stood up for what’s right. Some women will still be saying but I love him and be suffering.

    If your parent are okay moving in with them, overlook everything and move in with them. Then you can build yourself up and figure something out. If you have a genuine friend, consider moving in with someone for now. If you try to leave on your own, that’s a lot of carry. Don’t forget to pray for wisdom and direction in all of this.

  22. Sweet

    April 12, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    I’m so sorry dear poster. You’re a strong and smart woman so I won’t tell you what to do. However, you need financial help to be able to tale steps as desired. I suggest you drop your account no let’s in with kindness help a sister out pls let’s save a kid or two from abuse. I beg you bellanaijarians

  23. Anon

    April 12, 2017 at 6:26 pm

    You are an idiot. Yes I’ve said it. People need to be straight with you. You got pregnant 3 fucking times for this man that treats you like trash. Now you come for advise on a blog site for people to PROMPT you to do what SHOULD COME NATURALLY FOR A MOTHER which is to protect her kids. If you were abroad and I know you personally I would report you to social services to get those innocent children removed from you before they are exposed to anymore damage. I have no sympathy for women like you.

    • funmilola

      April 13, 2017 at 8:33 am

      she’s an idiot?
      do you know what it means to be an idiot?
      I fear people who find it easy to use vulgar words on people.

    • Anon

      April 13, 2017 at 6:49 pm

      I wish the writer had the same fears as you. That way she would never have spread her legs for a nutcase and have 3 children by him. I give it to you straight my dear no sugar coating. Tough love is required some times.

  24. Billionaire in grace

    April 12, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    My dear I have a cousin who went through the same situation but hers the husband was sleeping with his own daughter (who wasn’t my cousin biological daughter).since she had a 5 years old daughter at that time and saw it could also happen to her;she decided to leave the marriage.at the beginning of her single mother life it wasn’t easy but now she can provide for her kids from her new job.all I can say plan to leave your husband now but you should do it carefully with some good money

    • Chu

      April 13, 2017 at 1:05 pm

      hops she told his family so that daughter could be taken away from him?

  25. Dt

    April 12, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    What will you do is you woke up and saw your husband’s hands around your 6weeks old baby trying to kill him? Am sure you will carry all your kids and run away that night with nothing to somebody’s place. This is what you should do ASAP.

  26. Bad gang

    April 12, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    Hmmm na wa o!
    Poster I support the other comments, you have to leave immediately… a sexual predator (in this case a paedophile) is as terrible as a murderer… financial constraints won’t be on the top of your list if Godforbid he rapes your son and permanently disfigures his anatomy…think of the psychological effects it would have on your kids…he treats so low and doesn’t notice you, all these are tangible reasons you should leave immediately
    You should have family or one very good old friend who you trust has your back any time that you can open up to and probably stay with for a while before you catch your balance
    The bad news is with your husband’s behaviour, he isn’t going to let this happen without a very fierce fight so brace yourself up a storm is coming. One thing, you have to draw closer to God, there is nothing the king of kings cannot do for a willing and prayerful heart…pls no crying or pity party…stay strong and focus.
    My mother always tells me, ‘whatever planned is more likely to turnout successful than what isn’t planned’….so have a good plan and stick to it. God bless you

  27. Ghostmode

    April 12, 2017 at 7:09 pm

    My dear you need to run with your kids! 1st let me say Kudos that you are not turning a blind eye to what you saw now you need an exit strategy. It won’t be easy at all to start off with 3 kids but my dear you owe it to your kids and your self. Try and see if you can get an IOU from your company to get a small flat, if the school the kids attend at the moment is expensive you might want to reconsider a cheaper school. Also you will need to have an extra source of income to complement your salary, if you can bake or cook you can start with these services, you don’t need to start big or start buying and selling ( these are just suggestions if you have other skills please explore them). I wish you all the best and By His Grace help will come your way.

  28. zee

    April 12, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    Hello dear,
    Please contact Project Alert immediately 234-1-8209387; 08052004698; 08180091072 or send an email to [email protected]. http://www.projectalertnig.com.

    You also need to take your children to a child therapist that specializes in sexual abuse. Call Matthew on 07060826979.

  29. midday

    April 12, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    Consult a legal clinic, get a lawyer and file for asylum and make your application to the UK, US, Canada etc. and just about any country that will have you.. Think about it, you are in Naija wherever you go he will follow, This might actually be a golden opportunity to reset and start afresh. I think you have a good case, he is abusive and doesn’t support you. Your debit card is proof, you have been paying the bills. Plus you have this article to back it up and there are probably other eye witnesses to back up your claim. GIRL MOVE!!!!!!

  30. Fanmail

    April 12, 2017 at 10:36 pm

    Okay ladies this story right here is the reason y’all need to be running to your local superstore/pharmacy to stack up on condoms and kit yourselves out with a stash of morning after pills . Say NO to unprotected sex. As for the writer well as you make your bed so you lay in it. I feel sorry for your children. You invited them into your unstable situation. And they suffer for the terrible choices you have made. The truth of this matter is it is going to be very hard for you to get out of this situation. It will not be an easy ride. Stop looking for sympathy. Look at your kids, if their eyes cannot move you to do the right thing, then my dear notting will move you. It’s down to you. Ne.

  31. kilipot

    April 13, 2017 at 12:09 am

    It is that a lot of people can’t read or what exactly?
    Go back to which parents house please.
    She mentioned she has little savings that can’t sustain her, she also mentioned that her mother told her to pray? Is that the same mother that will take her back?

    This woman needs financial help. If we can’t help let’s keep quiet.
    Poster, I suggest you join FIN ( Female In ) group formerly Female In Nigeria group on Facebook. Just type FIN on Facebook . It’s a really comforting place to be.
    I’m 100% sure you ll get the help you need. Please join as fast as you can please. Delay is dangerous

    • saaam

      April 13, 2017 at 3:31 am

      Poster DO NOT join FIN

  32. Tamunotonye

    April 13, 2017 at 3:11 am

    My dear sister, run as fast as your legs can carry you. Biko forget big money, you can stay with your parents till u find your feet. Thank God u still have a job, pls leave now because delay is dangerous.

  33. Cynthia

    April 13, 2017 at 3:53 am

    Set a hidden camera everywhere in the house… meanwhile continued to save religiously….I think you should start business or rent a house and do your business within the house. You will be fine.

  34. Timmy tim

    April 13, 2017 at 4:02 am

    woman! i couldn’t even read your story it’s horrific. Your husband is sick!! and you have to be out of your mind if you have not moved out of that house!!!

  35. get your eye test done today

    April 13, 2017 at 4:38 am

    LEAVE!

  36. gbaskelebo still evolving

    April 13, 2017 at 7:55 am

    Her version of events till I hear from her husband no comment!

  37. Omoté

    April 13, 2017 at 10:23 am

    My Sister u dey craze???? U r looking for big money when u’ve been holding d house together since??? Abeg if nah one bedroom n parlour get it n move out b4 he does something that can’t be undone to u or d kids. If ur parents r in the same town as u, pls beg them to accommodate u till u can get ur own place. Abeg commot der, not every marriage is worth saving. Quit praying for him my friend n get out!

  38. lalaland

    April 13, 2017 at 10:53 am

    BN should raise a community funding for this woman. She obviously knows what to do, and she is already taking the measures she can while trying to get help. It is not easy to just take her children away from the life they are used to without having money. Her parents don’t seem like they understand. Please BN community let us help! It’s not about coming here to comment “run’ and ‘leave’. Where should she run to? your house?

  39. Lois

    April 13, 2017 at 3:53 pm

    WHAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you MAD?! You’re waiting for big money abi wetin i just read? You’re freaking unserious. I will sell Ugwu in the market if i have to to support and protect my children. Get you ass up and take a big walk out of that stupid shit you call marriage. Are you mad? Big money? Tell your folks and if they wont help, get your ass up and find help somewhere else. Get out of that SHIT CALLED MARRIAGE TO AN IDIOTIC PEADOPHILE!! *I’m shaken*

  40. gia

    April 13, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    “I told my mum and she asked me to pray about it.”

    I feel like punching someone!

  41. yummymummycumchick

    April 13, 2017 at 4:39 pm

    really, the monster in me comes out when i feel any form of hurt happens to my son. madam,… leave first .. because if u dont , ur kids will blame u for not protecting them.

    • gia

      April 13, 2017 at 6:37 pm

      , “ur kids will blame u for not protecting them.”

      GBAM!!!!!
      This woman better run away like FAST!!!!!!!!

  42. Tosin

    April 18, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    Oh God, I’ve only read two paragraphs and I am in pain for what you’ve gone through. If he doesn’t want you, he should go…is it by force?
    I now read on to the balls part and it made me chuckle. Dunno where I got my own sense of humour from. Lol. I so did not even expect that. Of all things. Metaphorically, I get, yes I make jokes about all sorts of people wanting me to come and massage their balls, but in real life? I’m not even annoyed, I’m just amused. For me I would have just threatened him to never try that chimpanzee nonsense again. And threatened him to shape up and he would shape up or I would be gone, no time for negotiation.
    My dear, anyone you want oooo. I can’t. Can’t stop laughing.
    I’m curious to learn from other people’s comments sha.

  43. ONE

    May 19, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    To say I am mortified is an understatement. You need to leave that house like yesterday. Please don’t give excuses…if you don’t want your son growing to become g** it’s time to keep it moving. Take it from one who experienced same sex molestation as a child. The struggles are not funny. Plenty prayer and deliverance sessions and mid night prayers just so I don’t give into fleshy lusts and end up in hell. Please Ma, run away and don’t look back.

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