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Aunty Bella: Miss. My Married Family Friend Seduced Me

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 

This story was posted by a BellaNaijarian in another post. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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I need someone to talk to and at the moment I don’t have anybody. I believe they are matured minds here that can advise me on what to do. I’m 23 years old and I just relocated to Houston to stay with my family. I am surrounded by family and friends that genuinely care about me and for that I am grateful.

One of my family friends (let’s call him Jide) has always been concerned about my academics. He is one of the few people that made me changed my major to pre-med, and has always encouraged me whenever I feel down.

Sometimes my parent would even threaten to report me to him whenever I’m misbehaving. Need I mention, I met him through my best friend, Sade. We’ve been off since 2010 and we came to the States together. Our friendship is one of the few things that matters to me in this world, as we respect and support each other.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. Jide’s wife texted me and accused me of trying to sleep with her husband, which was not the case. Her husband texted me saying “hi beautiful” and I replied “good evening sir” I asked about the kids and his wife and so forth. I don’t want to go into details about that.

I was so mad because I was innocent and I didn’t even see him as someone that would flirt with me. Since I was in school, I cut them off and stopped talking to wife’s family. She realised that she went too far, with the text, so she would always reach out to talk to me but I would ignore and put her in her place.

To cut the whole thing short, I moved to H-town early this year and she apologised to me for sending me the text. I told her it’s in the past. We bonded, we would always go out together. In fact, I go to her house every Friday to eat her jollof rice, but I was always mindful of how I act towards her husband – as in no eye contact and all that.

One afternoon, I got a call from her husband. He sounded off, and my female instinct told me he wants to sleep with me. So, I called by best friend and she was like, why would you think like that? I said, ‘but uncle Jide was trying to sound sexy on phone’
Anyway, fast forward to few weeks later we went out. I wouldn’t call it a date. The conversation was very mature, we talked about school and how to move forward, before I start popping kids.

It went so well that at the end of the convo, I was crying because to be honest, I was beginning to lose my confidence in myself, and was thinking of just going for masters and call it a day. We hugged and that was it.

I called my best friend and told her how the meeting went, and she had the whole “didn’t I tell you? don’t be to quick to judge people, not everyone wants to sleep with you” Fast forward to few weeks ago, he was texting me about coming to his place of work in Austin…. blah blah!
Out of respect I would reply him back and keep it simple. Few days ago, I got another message from him he wants us to hang out. Since it was my birthday week, I was down for it; plus I had a lot I wanted to talk to him from our last conversation. Med school, day of my exam, my weak point studying and so on… since he has always been my mentor from my freshman year, and our last convo was not what I thought it was going to be. I was okay with going out.

Anyhow sha, this uncle drove me to the movies ni sha… I was like keep calm! We got to the movies and we were the only one there. My heart started pounding, I was praying that holy spirit should bring people, so I won’t be alone. Next thing uncle said be comfortable o… I said Ha! temi bami  (I’m in trouble!) Before I could say Jack ROBINSON…he started kissing me. I didn’t kiss back; it was just awkward. Next he was pressing…I was so calm. I wanted to slap him, but that is like slapping my father. If it was someone else, I would have talked back or shouted to do something, but it’s uncle Jide – someone I have known since I was 17; why should I slap him?

I really respect him and his wife; but, how could I have let him kiss me and press me without saying anything? I’ve been in bed all day feeling bad. Should I message his wife? I really don’t know what to do. Our families are so close. If i stop going, people would ask me questions. We stay one minute away from each other. I’ve refused to go to work or eat. I’m just sad and disappointed in myself for not doing he right thing which is slap him.

P.S the names were changed.

Photo Credit: Kurhan | Dreamstime.com

105 Comments

  1. Laila

    May 9, 2017 at 12:51 am

    My dear, men can be very funny. Looks like your vulnerability is a major ego booster for “uncle Jude”. Stay away from him, he sounds like big trouble.

    • Laila

      May 9, 2017 at 12:52 am

      Jide

    • LemmeRant

      May 9, 2017 at 10:11 am

      Since you said the names were changed, we can assume Jide is actually Chukwudi.

      Before all those “(you know who)” start killing themselves on top one man.

    • The Real Oma

      May 9, 2017 at 11:50 am

      Was this your comment necessary?
      Is their tribe that can say their men are above what the lady has narrated?
      Not every time tribe tribe… get over it!

    • ND babe

      May 10, 2017 at 3:27 am

      You want Uncle Jide. fullstop. Save your soul first by making sure you dont “allow him” to defile you. Yes, I used the term allow. when someone’s intentions are clear and you have no interest and you are not a minor or someone with a mental disability, you ensure that you avoid situations that would create opportunity for bad behavior. Leave his wife out of it. You are the one who needs saving – see your head going to $10 movie with Uncle Jide knowing he has an eye for you and is married and you are coming here to talk of pressing. If he had not paid for the movie, you no go watch am?

  2. kay

    May 9, 2017 at 12:52 am

    hmmmm. Omo you were taken advantage of and ts obvious with the way you froze. I suggest you cut off communication with him and his family. TOTALLY!!!! NOTHING SHOULD MAKE YOU COMMUNICATE WITH HIM! He is manipulative and is bad for your soul. About reporting to his wife, i have nothing to say about that, cause she already suspected you and probably comes from her not trusting her husband in the past. She was right. Just cut off communication and keep on striving with your education. Nonsense man.

    P.S HUN do not blame yourself

    • Nuna

      May 9, 2017 at 8:00 am

      I agree with this. Like, complete cold turkey. Cut him off completely. And his wife too. Your resolve should be unwavering in this. If there’s any time you need to be very strong, its now.

    • Teju TJ

      May 9, 2017 at 1:30 pm

      Perhaps, I am the only one that does not buy into the naivety after the “Hi Beautiful” text message. Like really, you know your uncle will not be texting you – Hi Beautiful. Certainly, the guy showed his hand and clearly you entertained it. Something to be cognizant of – if you feel uncomfortable about a situation, about a person, you are uncomfortable for a reason and that discomfort is valid.
      Clearly, the guy is a dog, an asshole without any regard for his marriage or even you. However, I think you entertained it for reasons best known to you. Why is everyone acting like having a married mentor of the opposite sex is a bad thing? The guy was never her mentor to begin with – find yourself a mentor.

    • purplieciousbabe

      May 10, 2017 at 3:05 pm

      I agree with you.
      Sorry had to share this with my oyinbo coworkers, they said CAUGHT OFF ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION WITH THE FAM!
      Just stay AWAY!

      I would say REPORT TO THE POLICE! I understand the implications though.
      He ASSAULTED right there and he should not have.
      I HATE PERVS…………… AND MEN THAT TAKE ADVANTAGE.

      Babe, me I will talk sha. Tell my friend before he does it to someone else.
      Finally, STAY AWAY FROM THE WHOLE CLAN.

      Hugs hun.
      Please forgive yourself and learn to move on xxx
      I hope you find better people.

  3. Hian

    May 9, 2017 at 1:05 am

    You did nothing wrong. Should you have pushed him away? Yes! If a man does not respect himself you do not owe him respect. Tell your parents immediately and everyone stay off “Uncle” perv before he rapes you. You need a mentor, email me I will hook you up with some great female doctors. I am wary of some married men as mentors. They keep showing themselves to lack self control.

    • gia

      May 9, 2017 at 1:37 pm

      If a man does not respect himself you do not owe him respect.

      Nigerians and respect…i didn’t do anythink because i respect him/her/them…the respect culture is so ingrained you guys can’t even see that respect is earned…i’m tired

  4. Toyosi

    May 9, 2017 at 1:54 am

    So, you went to the movies with a married man, you were hanging out alone with a married man, and you think that is appropriate in the first place ? You are 23yo and you needed to talk to him continuously about your education when there are many online tools that can help you make an informed decision about the right career path to follow considering your strength and abilities ? He felt it would be ok to make such sexual advance towards you as you have irresponsibly attached yourself to him.

    • Tobe

      May 9, 2017 at 2:42 am

      This is so wrong. Your comment and comments like yours, are the reason many people go through these sorts of situations and never have the confidence to address it. The only thing that the story teller did ‘wrong’ was to trust someone that her spirit was telling her not to trust. And even that is not wrong…it’s ok to trust people until they break the trust. STOP victim blaming. ANYBODY can be on the receiving end of manipulation from a person who’s opinion is respected.

    • Toyosi

      May 9, 2017 at 4:30 am

      She’s going out with a married man solo and she’s a victim ? WOW. Bet you do the same.

    • Fisayo

      May 9, 2017 at 10:58 am

      Toyosi, YOU’RE A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON!

      And I pray for all the people who call you friend or who feel the need to confide in you.

      If you’ve never made a mistake before, please continue to cast your stone. Miss perfect Toyosi oshi, people like you make the world more difficult.

      She has admitted her error, is seeking to move on and all you can do is heap blame on her. Her personality is clearly the overly trusting kind and now she knows better. What has your silly opinion done to help her move forward?

      Don’t just vex me this Tuesday morning. Mtcheeeeew!!!

    • Devils Advocate

      May 9, 2017 at 12:24 pm

      While I agree that people should not be shamed for making these sort of mistakes, there is also a place to telling the hard truths and calling someone out when theyve clearly done wrong. It’s a little hard to believe that she really did not know what Uncle Jide was playing at. If anything, she is guilty of being a little too naive and she needs to be called out for that.
      Let us not over excuse peoples mistakes all in the name of being ‘non-judgemental’

    • BC

      May 9, 2017 at 3:39 am

      That’s my qualm with this. How do you go on ‘Innocent outings’ with someone’s husband? Is she naive?

    • Mama

      May 9, 2017 at 4:39 am

      Is the married man a vampire that she cannot hang out with him? Instead of putting blame on the man who could not keep a civil friendship it is the victim you’re blaming. The way some of you carry this thing called marriage on your head like gala like it is the way unto salvation…hiss

    • M

      May 9, 2017 at 5:55 am

      My sister I tire o. So basically, no married man can be relied on to take care of a younger person. Isn’t that shameful to be heard about ur husband? It simply means he is irresponsible na. Yet they will twist it to make it the victims’ fault. Someone who is a close family friend o. Some women are plain stupid and they are the types who keep getting disrespected by their men because the men know their wives would never blame them.

    • Tessa Doghor

      May 9, 2017 at 12:23 pm

      And their husbands cheat the most
      Stop attacking the whole world, you either deal with your insecurity issues or deal with the dog you call a husband and stop projecting your insecurities and emotional abuse on other people.

    • M

      May 9, 2017 at 5:49 am

      Here they come. Bitter, insecure married women association who will always blame everyone else but their randy, irresponsible husbands. So because a man is married, he can’t be trusted to be a mentor or friend to someone else? He can’t be trusted to look out for his family friends daughter? Now what does that say about him? Yet you make it the girl’s fault. Lol…. You people are funny o. And you wonder why the men keep cheating. You are your own problems.

    • Aj10

      May 9, 2017 at 7:01 am

      Bless you Sis! Men with questionable morality, having bruised women defend their flaws daily.

    • Ivory Chi

      May 9, 2017 at 8:38 am

      It has nothing to do with married women being insecure or all the other things you said.

      We live in a real world. I will not allow my daughter to have a married man as a mentor. From experience these situations are very likely going to happen.

      Neither would I allow my husband to be a mentor to a 23 year old girl. I don’t think that makes me insecure. I am just extremely realistic. Why put yourself in situations that common sense has given me wisdom to avoid ?

      I’ve read that Heather Lindsey does not allow her husband to counsel females solo, and Pastor Adeboye ensures that all his admin staff are men. I don’t think that makes them insecure, but makes them wise.

      A wise woman builds her home, and a great deal of building is protecting.

    • esteelauder

      May 9, 2017 at 11:27 am

      Thank you!!!! This is more about the character of the man in question. I am a 27 year old single lady and I have a family friend just like this who is practically my adopted uncle. I am friends with his wife and three daughters. There has never been one awkward moment bcos he is a man of character. I know this world has some perverts but there are still men of character in Nigeria. . . Please, not all men are randy. You can successfully be friends with married people without the thought of iranu crossing your mind, just learn to manage the relationship well. However, listen to your gut feeling, if your warning signs go off, it’s better to just stay off as well.

    • Mary

      May 9, 2017 at 7:50 am

      Most times, when you talk with people, you feel better. The internet can never give you all the comfort you need.

    • Lizzie

      May 9, 2017 at 7:54 am

      Shut up!!!

    • Lizzie

      May 9, 2017 at 8:02 am

      The shut up was for Toyosi.

      Left with some Naija married women, their husbands cannot even breathe the same air with other ladies especially unmarried ones. In their heads, everyone is after their ‘trophy’ husbands who is a trophy that no one in their right thinking mind wants. Hold them responsible and accountable for once and stop looking for women to project your insecurities upon.

    • Tessa Doghor

      May 9, 2017 at 12:21 pm

      Irresponsibly, are you nuts?
      It is the husband’s fault for not respecting her parents enough to treat her like his kid sister. Why am I stressing myself? Please kindly give all the stress to your hubby and leave her alone. She is going to be a doctor you hear, and probably treat your neurotic behaviour. Silly you, attacking her like she is the one dating your husband, please deal with your issues. Cheers.

    • gia

      May 9, 2017 at 1:40 pm

      Toyosi is simply speaking like a true nigerian…always putting the blame on the woman…that’s why your men are incapable of controlling themselves…you’re always excusing their animalistic behaviour…trying to seduce a girl he met when she was barely a woma…isn’t that irresponsible too???And what about is marital vows????

    • mz_danielz

      May 9, 2017 at 2:59 pm

      Toyosi, beht this your logic is flawed oh.

      So if I’m in a foreign country and a family friend who’s like an uncle to me offers to take me out on my birthday weekend, I did wrong. It still your type that will call her disrespectful if she had refused and he had reported her to her parents.

      What rubbish, a man abuses the trust a 23 year old has for him and because he is ‘a married man’, it’s the girl’s fault abi?

      The way we act as if once men get married they become day old babies that need to be pampered and can never be responsible for anything is appaling

    • tee

      May 9, 2017 at 3:29 pm

      A married man that is like a father/uncle to her. You need some sense though, you seem to be lacking it from your comment.

    • tee

      May 9, 2017 at 3:35 pm

      Please take note Toyosi, “the movies” is meant to be crowded, a safe enough place to go to if you ask me.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      May 9, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      @ Toyosi, I think you had better stop responding while you are ahead because you are not helping (your case or that of the writer). Let me first say, I happen to have a sister whose career success can only be attributed to men (all married), men that have asked to meet for lunch where all they discuss is the difficulties she is having on the job, what her long term and short term goals her and what they can do to make sure she keeps growing with the company. These are partners of one of the major 4 audit companies in the world and yet have not once insinuated wanting anything beyond her career growth and a good job from her.

      Before I go too far with “your point” do you think it would be any different if he was single or would you still blame her for hanging out with him if she was not “that into him”? By what grounds do we now believe that have a platonic relationship with an individual of the opposite sex is somehow immoral or a sin? By what standards do we now consider having a role model or mentor of the opposite sex immoral? If we are unable to see that this is about abuse of power and authority just like our government officials and some “men of god” then there is a bigger issue here.

      Interestingly, when someone had commented on the attempted rape incident at Secondary schools in Ikoyi last week and had said those responding with surprise were pretending, My first instinct was to respond with a rebuttal, but I had to ask myself if I was surprised or appalled? To be honest while I was appalled, No, I was not surprised and that was a sad reality for me. The individual had said or insinuated that we had a rape culture has a country. After thinking about and discussing this extensively with those around me I have to say I agree with that thought process. Why??? Because when you have a culture where so called spiritual leaders publicly claim that a man forcing himself on a woman because he has a marriage license is no longer rape but “his right”, when we have ladies like you that insinuate that it is now somehow a sin or immoral for a single lady to have a platonic relationship with a married individual, women insinuating victims somehow brought incidents like this on themselves is what gave and keeps giving young boys the audacity to do what they did to those young ladies. Until with a united voice, let it be known that No means No regardless of the circumstances surrounding said events, we will continue to raise rapists such as this “uncle” because people like you and the ton of people that agree with you make excuses for them and even make it worse by ignoring them and blaming their victims. Reading your comment and seeing the number of people that agree with you makes me realize that our mind set as a country is so warped, it is beyond scary. We talk about empowering women but like my sister made clear to me this weekend, we have to start by addressing our minds because the average Nigerian man will like to keep things the way they are, because it is to their advantage. So it is up to us (women) to demand better and how can we demand better if we believe we deserve this sort of treatment from them???

    • purplieciousbabe

      May 10, 2017 at 3:24 pm

      STOP BLAMING HER!
      Anyone that blames is EVIL.

      You can see she mentioned asking for help from her friend who reassured her that the guy is ok..
      She obviously respects this guy etc.
      This is not ok.

  5. Catherine

    May 9, 2017 at 3:50 am

    Girl,
    The devil is not the ugly beast with horns you grew up learning about. The devil is disguised as handsome, beautiful, sweet, caring, attentive etc. Pull yourself together and run as far away as possible from that uncle.

    Your naivety and ignorance of cues have led you down this lane, but perceive it as a learning point rather than as a failure.

    If you feel ashamed, let that shame lead you to the cross that Jesus died for you on; where he gives forgiveness, healing, restoration, and peace.
    DO NOT let that shame lead you to condemnation because that is not what God wants from you.

    Madam. stop succumbing to the African concept of respect and rather look to respecting the greatest authority on this earth, which is God; the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

    Clean those tears, pick up your bible, and cry out to God our maker; he will help you.

    Are you close to your parents, siblings?? Maybe you could share with them, but if not then just share with God.

    IT IS WELL. xx

    • gia

      May 9, 2017 at 1:42 pm

      stop succumbing to the African concept of respect

      BRAVA!!!!!

  6. OJ

    May 9, 2017 at 3:54 am

    If you tell them students and corpers about the inappropriateness of ”hanging out” with married men they would ask you in a defensive manner if theirs anything wrong in it…the married man dey fuck up, you no suppose fuck up with am…how about if the wife caught you guys? do you think she will face the hubby? she will first of all disgrace you and tear your cloths
    anyway, make i no talk again..i dont want to spoil business for some people

    • Pippy

      May 9, 2017 at 1:01 pm

      This OJ person, I’ve noticed you never have any sympathy for victims. From your comments on Mercy Aigbe Gentry’s posts to here, it’s obvious somebody hurt you and you need healing.

      Please come back and comment about how you “just say things as they are” and I’ll happily tell you that people actually tend to see the world as they are.

      As your comments are filled with a certain hardness, so are you. Please get help. You really do need it.

  7. Uzoamaka

    May 9, 2017 at 4:34 am

    This is so wrong on so many levels… Your comments are the reasons why many people go through these sorts of dehumanising situations and never have the confidence to address it. STOP victim blaming. STOP victim shaming!

    • Toyosi

      May 9, 2017 at 3:48 pm

      So, a few people have blasted me for “shaming the victim.” Well, while everyone is entitled to their opinion, I will expatiate a little more on why I said what I said. For starters, I am not married yet, so I am not that bitter & protective married woman you’ve wrongly accused me of being, I am also age mates with the poster. I could have gone on the whole men are dogs cliche but I thought it was obvious that the man was wrong and that it was important to address the poor judgement of the poster as well. She claimed this man has invited her severally to a different city where he works – Austin is about 4hrs drive from Houston, so it was clear that this man wanted them to be alone and discreet. The writing was on the wall, the poster was probably enjoying the attention and continued to go out with this man. What the man did was inappropriate, she claimed the movie theater was empty so she could have left a seat between them at the movies, but she sat close to him and the man made his move.

  8. Le coco

    May 9, 2017 at 5:01 am

    You were definitely taken advantage of.. If someone u refer to as ur uncle wants to take u to movies it’s not a bad thing.. my advice is.. next time.. always trust ur spirit.. mine has never failed me.. Even times when I tried to convince myself otherwise.. .. I am sorry this happened.. I don’t knw if you shld tell his wife nd family.. because the man will turn it around like all weak men do.. You will end up being at fault.. Nigerian parents are yet to learn how to take sides with their own child.. and you definitely don’t expect his wife to side with u.. she will probably claim u seduced her husband nd proceed to use u “omo wobe” as prayer point..

    Pray about it.. God heals.. Nd cut off communication with that entire family… Nd Make no apologies for it.. that man deserves no respect..

    • molarah

      May 9, 2017 at 4:11 pm

      Exactly o. My dear, just perish that thought about telling his wife, because it will flabbergastically astound you how the story will turn on its head, and you will end up being the Delilah-ishJezebel. Unfortunately in our society (and as evidenced in some comments above), some people find it easier to blame the woman in any sexual harassment situation, no matter how grievous the man’s offense was. But 2 strong things I have to tell you:

      1. That man is not your uncle – he stopped being your uncle from the day he tried that nonsense with you. Don’t feel compelled to show any form of respect or remorse in relating with him. I say this very strongly because I know with your age and level of naivety the kind of mind games this kind of fellow can play on you. In fact, if you are close to your mother, report the issue to her ASAP, so that your parents are guided about their future relationships with this fellow (and so that he does not get the opportunity to poison their minds about you, because men like that can be that terrible).

      2. Take all the learnings from this episode and NEVER allow anyone again to use your vulnerability against you. I understand how easy it probably felt to build a friendship with this man, being that you had just moved to a new location and he was a willing confidante and adviser as you charted a new phase in your life. Many of us will do the same as well. Manipulative human beings (not just men) always appear friendly and helpful at the initial stage, so that we can lower their guard towards them. But like this situation, the moment the interactions and relations start getting funny, start backing up, little by little. If you are bold enough, confront their behavior. But don’t try to mentally justify any form of funny behavior because of their initial kindness towards you. Your gut and instincts may give you this kind of warnings, pay attention to them. I believe this particular episode has ended well for you in spite of the issues – just cheer up (you didn’t do anything wrong: don’t mind those asking why you followed a man to the movies – he’s the one to blame as he presented himself as a friend and decided to change the rules mid-way, without informing you) and move forward on this with no condemnation or shame.

  9. Alterego

    May 9, 2017 at 6:03 am

    All these so called uncles with no blood relationship to me, no way are you my uncle! I known you real uncles and even around them, I’m super careful.
    Babe, you were taken advantage of. Your naivete and your total dependence on him, maybe gave him an ego boost and kickstarted his hard drive. So let him know you have had enough of his brand of counselling and mean it. Then cut ties, with him and his family. If you were a guy, I would tell you to grow a pair. But you are a girl so pull up your big girl panties.

  10. Enny Heart Heart

    May 9, 2017 at 6:39 am

    But she’s all up in her feelings with this terrible situation, one that just staying away from this man, as the lot of you commenters advice, won’t help her. Maybe in the long run, but not right now.
    It’s so unfair that you’re going through this and it’s like there’s nothing you can do about it.

    Me, I would tell someone else who I know would still be on my side, like my mom or bestie. And we’ll have Mr jide over and I’ll like to talk about what happened the other day, whether it’s been a week or a month since. Basically get everything off my chest- my disaappointment, shock and subsequent disrespect for his black ass, and threaten him with a lawsuit or whatever if he doesn’t stay away from you and yours. And my mom would be in the other room with my bestie waiting with a bat or pot, incase the perv tried sonething.
    This so wrong for chrissake, and it’s NOT seduction! It’s being taken advantage of is what it is cos you feel violated and cheated. It’s not fair!

  11. Ije

    May 9, 2017 at 7:08 am

    Dear Poster,
    My first instinct was to condemn your decision to see him alone and several times too. But on second thoughts, it occurred to me that you’re only 23 (though not an excuse) and have quite a bit to learn.. You should not have accepted to be alone with that man, ESPECIALLY after the accusatory text his wife sent you. “Uncle” Jide is a predator who is definitely preying on your inexperience/naivety. I was 19 when I moved to the States- Houston, to be precise. And now at 33, I can tell you with authority, that there will.be MANY more “Uncle” Jides. Now is the time to get your mind right and be assertive- believe me, it’s never too early. You are a woman and God blessed us with one great gift that men do not have- INTUITION! Baby, if it doesn’t feel right, trust me, it most likely is NOT right. Nip it in the bud and move on. While it’s okay to make mistakes. It is NOT okay to make THE SAME mistakes over and over.

    Learn and move on.

    • Ije

      May 9, 2017 at 7:09 am

      *on second thought

    • cookii

      May 9, 2017 at 12:58 pm

      Thank you for that comment Ije. I live in the US, and poster, there will be many more Uncle Jides ohh especially in Houston. Luckily you have your family here, I don’t. But luckily I was way older when I came so I knew my ish. So in going to some Nigerian parties, I decided to broaden my network and voila, I run into some -Uncle Jides- seemingly well meaning, but they are predators. Sometimes you can’t even avoid it, even in church, someone might decide to connect you to an elderly married man in same profession to guide you into practice of said profession in the US. The Uncle I met in church was professional and helpful (Nevertheless there are predators in church ohhh!!!). The Uncle I met at the party was a predator but I was smart enough to avoid the fool.. I had a talk with another man that was good advice about my profession.. See, don’t be ignorant of the devil’s devices. Why do you think the theatre was empty? The enemy is a smart artist, don’t let him outwit you next time.

      Pray to God and grow into maturity and adulthood yourself. Seek help if necessary but PLS, pray for wisdom and the ability to make good decisions. In the end I had to make my decisions MYSELF, even though I listened to all the advice I got. Also learn to say a FIRM no, build up a healthy self esteem. Don’t seek validation from anyone! Nigerians are manipulative and everybody is selfish. Dont for a moment believe anyone will care for you more than themselves.

      If he calls again, cut him off. Don’t be afraid, the laws will protect you, this is America, we have human dignity here. Ever heard of restraining order? Even animals here are protected by law. Infact, if there was a camera in that theatre and you sue, he could do time. It’s natural to want some sort of guidance in the US because at first, you have questions. What is the best profession? How to go about it? How to meet those who have made it? But right now, I do my stuff MYSELF. May God be with you dear.

  12. Billionaire in grace

    May 9, 2017 at 7:25 am

    You should tell someone who you trust “family members or friends etc..” this guys is taking advantage of your kindness and the respect you have toward him.You must stop communicating with him if he sends you messages ignore him.Plus he wont do anything to you if you disrepect him back just like the way he disrespected you.i was also a victim of such behavious from so called “uncles” mtseeewww. I am sure you might be in need of a mentor just pay to God to direct to the right people cos men hearts can never be trusted.

  13. Marian

    May 9, 2017 at 7:35 am

    I think you need to send him a text to let him know you are not interested in him and you are actually ashamed he would try to disrespect his wife by coming on to you. Let him know you only see him as uncle jide and he betrayed the trust you had in him. Wish him well and tell him to change his ways and focus on his wife who you consider a friend. Advice him to seek counseling if him and his wife are having issues. Remind him of his wedding vows and that adultery is wrong. Tell him you will tell his wife and your parents if he should try any kinda rubbish with you again. ( i think you should still tell your parents now though).

    I said all that because You need to control the narrative and have some kinda proof to back you up should this become public. I’m sure you know his version will be that you seduced him.

    Unfortunately these things happen.
    I’ve been through a similar situation and Even though i didn’t date the guy and even blocked his number after he called asking what i did for fun and when he can take me out, people ( i think it was his wife) still started a rumor that i was going out with the guy.
    The whole thing was really gross and the guy was in his early 50s, married with kids in my sunday school class. Luckily for me the people that mattered ( fam/friends) laughed it off and didn’t believe it.

    Don’t beat yourself up, always go with your instinct when it comes to things like this. If it feels wrong, it’s probably wrong.

    Go to work and eat o! He’s probably already looking for his next prey.
    Don’t go over to their house anymore, You are an adult and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. If his wife is smart she will get the gist and not push it. You can’t be friends with his wife so cook your own jollof from now on.

  14. Phoebe

    May 9, 2017 at 7:56 am

    I just want to say that it is not your fault that you did not slap him.
    He sexually harrassed you! You didn’t expect him to do that and contrary to popular belief, when these things happen there isn’t always a reflex slap waiting to swoop across the idiot’s face.
    The first reaction is shock. Sometime last year a random guy grabbed my ass when I was walking home at 8pm and all I could do was turn around in shock, I had to consciously push myself to move as fast as my feet could go, away from the pervert. I remember blaming myself for not screaming or slapping or kicking. I was simply in shock since I never expected it to happen and it is a normal reaction. Don’t blame yourself for not doing anything
    As for going to the movies, I wouldn’t go to the movies with a man like that but you didn’t think the movie theatre would be empty.
    If this man raped you, you would join all the bitter married women here to blame yourself, this is our problem with sexual assault issues. That said “uncle Jide” is a predator, he should take all the blame not you. He’s a grown ass man and cannot simply forget he has a wife (and kids) when he’s kissing on and pressing his 23 yr old protege!!!!
    We need to start demanding more from men, cheating shouldn’t be a norm and going after the girl is stupid. The man is in most cases the one who chases after these girls, put your men in check or leave the other women alone.

  15. lola

    May 9, 2017 at 7:59 am

    email me. Im a medical student too in the states.

  16. Kiki

    May 9, 2017 at 8:01 am

    You are lucky he didn’t rape you. Please run far from him and his family. Let your parents know about this incident. Avoid any uncles from now on. Use the internet and your school’s career advise service. Be independent, don’t be vulnerable.

    • le coco

      May 9, 2017 at 12:59 pm

      if her parents are typical Nigerian.. they’ll let it go and say forgive.. shey its the devil’s work

  17. funmilola

    May 9, 2017 at 8:10 am

    Sweetheart, all you need is the strength and determination to cut off all ties with him and his family….cut all ties and let them become strangers to you.

  18. Lizzie

    May 9, 2017 at 8:11 am

    Like a lot of people have said already, never entertain this individual. Don’t talk to him, text or communicate in any way to him and please let your family know why.

    As you grow older, one of the blessings life will endow you with will be the gift of caring less what people say. Keep a clear conscience between you and your God, make sure your motives are right in every situation and please stand up for yourself some more. Give a good talking to when it’s required as well but for now, keep it moving only after you’ve informed friends and family cos the nitwit might try to twist the gist later on in his favour. Then focus on your career and making something out of your self like your life depends on it. Take the lady above’s offer and get better mentors.

    I wish you nothing but the best.. cheers!

  19. Oluwabunmi

    May 9, 2017 at 8:38 am

    Some of this comments here though, I am really disappointed in bn readers. She has know him since she was 17, he probably was not even married then, someone said go online and get all you need instead of talking to uncle jide, this is why suicide is in the high in Nigeria, sometimes people need someone to talk to about their fears, hopes and all, uncle jide was that outlet to her. Nobody should blame this girl for that ,nobody at all. She is not here to listen to blame but a way out. Now cut all ties with uncle jide no need to start texting him why sef because that is when he will say let me see you and apologize and another thing will follow. Cut ties with his wife and family, if they complain tell them your academics is taking your time. If you are close to your mum, talk to her just that Yoruba mums can’t be trusted. Talk to your friend.

  20. Tee

    May 9, 2017 at 9:09 am

    If you cannot confidently tell the wife that you went to a restaurant with her husband, or that you’ll be going on another outing with her husband to discuss school . Ladies if you cannot truly say it to the wife’s face, then somehow you know the outing isn’t right but you decided to do it your own way or ignore. Pls deal with the outcome. You have tons of advice up there. 23 yrs isn’t 13yrs hmmmm

    • Tessa Doghor

      May 9, 2017 at 12:34 pm

      What outcome exactly?
      If you have no advice to give, you can shut the hole in your face OR MOUTH

      This is me giving you some of the tough love you gave her. Something you give but can’t take. If you have no love to give, shut it, let the people that have love give it along with some soul food advice, what she needs is a soothing of her soul not your truths…

      Try to be kind next time or waka pass. I have claws too, no be only you get claws.

  21. Lola

    May 9, 2017 at 9:19 am

    Why are women always so quick to judge each other? There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to the movies with a married FAMILY FRIEND! Is he a two-headed monster??? Did you not read the part where she said she spends time with his family and her family also knows him???

    So once a man is married he becomes a leper that you cannot associate with? The issue is the irresponsible randy man who tried to take advantage of her! If she froze it does happen to people…someone you respect so much messes up and you literally dunno how to react! Not everyone is assertive enough to slap someone on the spot or call his wife immediately. Some people are cerebral and take their time to react to things. This is why men get away with rubbish in this society…it is always the woman’s fault even when the man clearly has a problem it is still the woman’s fault. SMH

    • M

      May 9, 2017 at 9:59 am

      The thing tire me sef. This is a girl who is regular in your home. You know the relationship between ur family and hers. You even let her eat jollof every Sunday at yours. Then your horseband crosses the line and calls her ‘beautiful’ yet u attack her despite seeing her innocent response. You feel stupid and apologise. He again does something worse by taking her to a private place and kisses her. Your irrational, silly types of females drag her for something he did! How senseless! This young girl is no stranger to you. She Is someone u accepted in ur lives yet u blame her when your cow crosses the line? If he had touched her inside your house when she came for jollof nko? It would still be her fault right? You women make me sick I swear.
      Granted, the girl is still naive to the sick realities of this world, but who hasn’t? We all learnt about life through experiences especially around that age while in higher institutions. But she did nothing wrong for trusting ur man whore. It is he who threw away his respect & his vows for some gratification. Yet you would rather blame her.

      Let me ask, how would u feel being attacked by the wife of a married man who made advances at you? Would u really take the blame simply because the both of u were alone (as secretly perpetrated by him)? Since when did u become responsible for his actions? So why are you holding this girl responsible for your husband’s?

    • Devils Advocate

      May 9, 2017 at 12:36 pm

      Did you also read the part where she said his wife once accused her of having something to do with the husband? A married man is most definitely not a leper to be avoided but a person to be careful around. Even if out of respect for your fellow woman.
      Who goes around calling younger, female family friends ‘beautiful’? Properly inappropriate behaviour if you ask me

  22. leigh jade

    May 9, 2017 at 9:20 am

    This is so sad. The stories I have been seeing on this blog just seem to prove A real Nigerian’s point of all Nigerian Men being rapists or potential rapists and it seems a lot of them truly are.

    Firstly, it wasn’t your fault. There was no way you could have known what he was going to do to you so don’t beat yourself up about it.
    Secondly, the man is a predator so the only thing you can do now is to save other women so you have to be brave. He might even end up raping another unlucky girl who thinks she is just hanging out with her “uncle”.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out with an uncle. It is just unfortunate that there are too many evil Nigerian men with devilish minds. I don’t know what the law is in the USA but if he can be arrested, you should definitely press charges. Men need to know that this is not okay. Ignore any backlash you might receive from doing that and think of other women you would be saving. If he respected himself and his family he wouldn’t be a perv. Men like him do not deserve to live honourably in society. So whatever you do don’t keep quiet about it and make sure you surround yourself with people who will have your back and give you the support that you need. Ignore the victim blamers and pray for God’s healing and guidance.

  23. Cece

    May 9, 2017 at 9:28 am

    Hi dear,
    So sorry to hear about this but I think you should not have gone on that date with him. It did not show respect for his wife. If he really had good intentions toward you he would have involved his wife and kids in making your birthday week memorable. How would you feel if you were married and your husband started paying attention to a young girl who calls him uncle and is not related to him by blood? It is safer to maintain clear boundaries in relationships like this. Maybe agreeing to go see the movie with him and all the talks you had had with him in the past gave him the ‘come- on’ signal, in his confused mind. I do not blame you but I want you to realize where you need to place your boundaries so this does not happen to you again or make you look like the seductress that you are not. The dynamics of marriage can be so tricky. Being away from loved ones also makes you a vulnerable target. You miss home and crave a home away from home. Uncle Jide himself does not have good intentions towards you, regardless of his mentoring talks. If he did, he would end his seemingly troubled marriage, honorably, court you properly and not take you to the movies and fondle you like a horny teenage boy. Maybe he is having a midlife crisis and he wanted to revalidate his youth. Strange things happen. But for your peace of mind please tell your mom/family and cook your own jollof rice from now on. When Madam Jide asks why you have been distant let her know that medical school has taken its toll on your time. You can also go to church, Lakewood church has an excellent fellowship for young adults. I wish you all the best. A decent man will find you and you will be okay. Cheer up. You will encounter people like this even as you progress in life and career. But always have your guard up so high that only the right man will be able to get in. You are a well brought up lady, that is why you did not slap him and rain insults on him. But if he tries to come and see you again, for more ‘egbon-like advice’ and mentoring, please get your bag of insults ready and use it liberally. No one will blame you for putting uncle agbaya in his place. Pele my dear.

  24. Pamela

    May 9, 2017 at 9:42 am

    Zip and pant matter is a delicate one! I don’t subscribe to friendship between married and unmarried people (i.e a married man and a single girl or married woman and single man) it almost always gets awkward. Infact, grown ups (of opposite sexes) can hardly build friendship without having to deal with zip and pant matter. This is because as time goes on, you share alot and become fund of eachother. Before you know it, feelings build up and then you accidentally kiss (atleast), mostly, one of the two (if not both) would have imagined it already. You should have made up excuses to avoid hanging out with him in the first place. I’m glad you’ve realized your mistake. hopefully, this will not repeat itself even with a single guy you’re not willing to get down with. Please, for the wife’s sake, don’t tell her. It’ll break her and she’ll eventually call you home wrecker. Avoid him as much as possible and if he keeps bugging you, tell him he’s lucky you didn’t land a heavy slap on his cheeks or even kick his balls off his wayward penis! Save your chats too , you may need them for self defense in the future. Good luck!

  25. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

    May 9, 2017 at 9:49 am

    Little one, things like this happen all the time, Older men whom I respected have stolen kisses from me and all I could do was to stare in shock and show my disgust. I wan’t expecting any of them to have acted the way they did. I stayed as far away as possible from them,. Take this as a lesson and move on. Next time be careful who you choose as a mentor because more men like Uncle Jide are lurking around.

  26. i must talk

    May 9, 2017 at 10:13 am

    If he is neither your father nor mother biological brother, HE IS NOT YOUR UNCLE! simples.

  27. OJ

    May 9, 2017 at 10:32 am

    As usual, BN did not put up my comment…..they simply cannot face the truth on issues like this. A married man hanging out with you in such a manner is already f..king up, you as a lady is not suppose to f..k up with him…simple!! the day his wife will catch you guys ehn, she go first disgrace you, before she starts to dey tear your cloths/// unfortunately, many of our ladies will neva learn

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      May 9, 2017 at 11:07 am

      As usual, BN did not put up my comment…..they simply cannot face the truth on issues like this.

      Hahahaha Chimoo! It is well!

      Anyway sha, your comment was in the spam folder. I’m not sure what words flagged the filter.

      Enjoy the rest of your day.

    • Bleed Blue

      May 9, 2017 at 11:25 am

      Atoke, this is all we’ve been asking for i.e. an explanation as to why some comments don’t get posted or what they take forever to be moderated.

      We understand that cyber space has its own knick-knacks and you cannot control what goes to what folder but it would have been nice to have this explanation over the last few months that your blog visitors have been asking, so people don’t get discouraged from taking out time to comment.

      Love us the way we love you. Darriz all we ask.

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      May 9, 2017 at 5:05 pm

      Kizz kizz.

      Don’t be mad at us, Cupcake. Sometimes we’re sleeping. Lol Despite our best efforts to have someone working round the clock – across time zones.

      Anyway, we are working on improving the processes so please be patient and keep visiting, okay?

      Xoxo. (Gosh, what is this? Sweet Valley High?)

    • Tee

      May 9, 2017 at 11:12 am

      SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!

    • Tee

      May 9, 2017 at 11:31 am

      Shut up was directed at @OJ

      And I still hope you shut up too!

    • OJ

      May 9, 2017 at 12:35 pm

      for your shallow mind you don say better thing be that??? As for Atoke no bi today una don dey block my comments and i still stand by what i wrote becos its the damn truth….BTW, people already calling for the hangman for the guy, would they have same opinion if it was a married ”aunty”/woman hanging out with a single man?? u sef think am nah, its only a matter of time before huhahuhahuhahuha sounds begin

    • Lucinda

      May 9, 2017 at 3:12 pm

      BN takes up to 24 hours to approve comments sometimes. Blog comment section is a social network believe it or not and I think the people in charge should stop micro managing this thing and look for a way to approve comments quickly. This is what drives traffic, not confession mailbox or whatever corny ideas you guys have from Nkem. Just imagine if Mark Zuckerberg was micro managing and taking 24 hours to approve every status update on Facebook. If you guys have noticed, some of the OG commenters are gone. Some people have more important things to do than reloading a page for 24 hours, just to read replies to their comments. By the time this comment is approved, this post would probably be on the forth page. It’s not a by force sturv but a word is enough for the wise.

    • californiabawlar

      May 9, 2017 at 4:30 pm

      @Bleed Blue! Long time! I figured this whole spam thing out pretty quick o. As someone with a putty mouth, I sometimes let some bombs slip into my comments and I notice those are the comments that don’t get posted until ‘BN working hours’.
      @OJ maybe you should self-evaluate if ALL your comments end up in the spam folder. You might just have an exceptionally spammy brain. Not even might sef, it’s a definite, seeing as the released comments are headache-inducing.

      So to all the people blaming her for hanging out with a married uncle… biko, what of so-called uncles that are not married? The ones that pressed your tittays as teenagers when they were supposed to be teaching you extra lesson? What did you do to ask for that?
      Okay na, back to the topic. What if Uncle Jide was unmarried? Shebi you would have still have blamed her for hanging out with a grown man abi? Good! That brings us to the crux of what all of you slo-los vehemently opposed to. ALL MEN ARE POTENTIAL RAPISTS! Proceed with caution always, Finito.

      Dear OP, what you experienced is the terrible reality of growing pains of a young Nigerian woman. DON’T TRUST MEN. At least always make them earn your trust. This guy had shown you signs with the compliments and the ‘sexy voice’. As you continue to grow, you will learn to listen to your instincts. And going forward, please let your knee-jerk reaction to sexual harassment be a splash of pepper spray in the face. Yup, go buy one, kia kia! Don’t worry about all these bullshit talkers… they are victims of their environment and low IQs.

  28. Gift

    May 9, 2017 at 10:34 am

    I think a quiet part of you wants him, even if you try to deny it. You need to stay away. The devil knows our weaknesses and he likes to work with it. You need to stay away.

  29. Pamela

    May 9, 2017 at 10:50 am

    BN has gone shopping with my comment. Please buy something for me too oh ?

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      May 9, 2017 at 11:06 am

      We’ll try and buy something the next time we do go shopping with a comment.

      But I found the comment in the spam folder sha. I’ve helped you bring it out.

      You’re welcome.
      🙂

    • Pamela

      May 9, 2017 at 11:57 am

      Thank you… ?

  30. LostInSpace

    May 9, 2017 at 10:57 am

    Houston people and their taking advantage of fellow naija peeps. The story would have sound better if you had called the police on him.. You could have been raped if you guys were not at the movies! Just my thought

  31. jinkelele

    May 9, 2017 at 11:02 am

    Enough said already.
    I would only add that you should tell Sade your friend. At least she knows you had your suspicions.
    Remove all contact from him or his family. Ghost him. No excuses. Let pp think whatever. You’re a student anyways so form that you are busy .
    It’s alright, not everyone shouts or slaps

    • Gina

      May 9, 2017 at 11:36 am

      Nope.

      Please do not tell Sade! She sounds judgemental.

      I repeat. Please do not tell Sade!!!

  32. Adeola

    May 9, 2017 at 11:24 am

    Hi poster. Please avoid the man and his family before he gets you in trouble. You don’t need to report him to his wife since she already suspected you a while back. Block him completely from all means of communication and move on with your life. Please o.

  33. Confuzzled

    May 9, 2017 at 11:50 am

    I had a similar situation happen to me a few years ago. After the incident when the man tried groping me I cut them off completely. Both husband and wife. I don’t owe anyone my time, and I don’t need any drama or husband snatcher accusations. I suggest you do the same. Life will go on and you will have your pride intact. The world won’t fall to pieces if you cut people out of your life. Good luck,

  34. Sisi

    May 9, 2017 at 11:58 am

    I am sorry this happened to you, that wasn’t right of him and it seems he knew very well what he was doing getting you to trust him and manipulating that. In any case you must learn to trust your instincts (holy spirit for me) – you could have avoided this if you listened to your gut. You are not to blame but you know how to proceed from now. Stay away from Uncle Jide, tell at least 1 person you trust so they can monitor the situation and hold you accountable, be open and honest with them. It’s clear there was some form of emotional attachment and you need to break this with immediate effect. As a general rule emotional attachments with married men who aren’t family are not a good idea and the same goes for single men and married ladies. Save yourself the drama, guilt and possible normalizing of such. Wisdom dear, lots more for you (and I) to learn ahead. On a general note, personal safety of mind, body and spirit isn’t something we should trivialise and turn to victim blaming, if you can avoid a situation then do so.

  35. Toluwalope

    May 9, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    You’re too defensive of your indiscretion. I think he’s the victim here not you. Sure the man must also be seeking for help somewhere on how to excape from your seductive actions.
    In fact, just keep going to his house, keep hurting his wife’s feeling, use your naivety to destroy his home, sleep with him and you’ll be just fine.

    • Tessa Doghor

      May 9, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      Too many crazy Nigerian girls everywhere.

      Why can’t the girl be the crazy one and everyone pile this advice on the man?
      It is tiring what women have to go through. Men are not 4 year olds. They are adults.
      If you can’t say one word to him, why say 50 to someone with whom you have no covenant

      Unhealthy relationships everywhere because people are in situationships calling them relationships and marriage, when does the security guard work end?

    • Trina

      May 9, 2017 at 12:49 pm

      Toluwalope you’re a retard for this comment.

      Dear Poster, please ignore the above. This person lacks empathy and feels the need to project his/her evil out to the world.

  36. ogeAdiro

    May 9, 2017 at 12:23 pm

    Your story tells me that you have good instincts. Maybe it’s time to start listening to them. And stop caring so much about what others think. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say “fuck it, I’m going to do me.” You might hurt a few feelings here and there, but I’m sure they’ll be fine.

  37. swagg1

    May 9, 2017 at 1:15 pm

    Ms hypocrite stop fronting, you have a crush on the guy from the jump. Both of you are playing a silly game . He is married and only wants you as a side chick whenever he is itching. C’mon we are too smart to read in between the line that you guys had some shady stuff going on but got caught and retreated. So, you sure dont need an advice, you are only trying not to feel guilty by justifying your innaporiate behavior. . Look for a single man cuz this guy doesnt want you but only wants to bone. Stay in your lane. cuz his wife will kick both of your asses this second time around if she finds out. . Just saying!!

    • Biloy

      May 9, 2017 at 3:11 pm

      I had no intention to comment but you said it for real……she must have had a crush on the guy all along. Why the accusation from the wife. why did you not heed your instinct?

      You already knew (though you suggest that you only suspected) he wanted something indecent so you were equally a culprit.

      Now move on decently coz i tell you its not over and trust me the fact that you are broken now does not mean you will not get over it. Steps to take:

      I. Know fully well that this is wrong and you need to do right despite your emotion.

      2. Cut off from the family completely ( no excuse to remain incontact with them)

      3. Tell Shade so she can be your witness in future. These types of men are manipulative one day he will tell his wife you seduced him and she will believe and spread this evil news around.

      4. if he ever come at you again Scream at him even if his wife and family are there. Let him know you are serious.

      5. If nobody is there tell him you will tell his wife and everybody that matter if he continues

      6. if he does, indeed tell everybody. Even if it will cause a scene/fight at least you will put a stop to his harassment and disrespect

      I have been there and I know what this is.
      Yes I initially felt bad but the man talked me out of the guilt and my emotions took over.
      I had a serious crush on him and he was indeed caring so an abusive relationship started.

      Abusive because i always knew it was wrong and always resisted and we never had sex but severally he begged to allow him touch ME and I allowed Coz i always pitied him. AND YES I WAS THAT NAIVE!!!!!

      Its sounds very stupid but I did not enjoy it because of the guilt I felt but I liked him a lot and enjoyed his mentorship. I also believed he cared a lot about me.

      Then ofcourse he did not stop with me and i became jealous and blew everything up.

      I don’t hate him or feel abused coz i take responsibility for my actions but i wish I had the will power to resist him then coz when everything came to the open I really paid for my sin, it was a shameful experience.

      I wish you all the best. Remember to be strong and determined!

    • Californiabawlar

      May 9, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      Ehn ehn! I was patiently waiting for a comment like yours! You just confirmed that most of the people blaming the OP are women with shady pasts of frolicking with married men and so assume all women are like them.

  38. girlwithalbinorelatives

    May 9, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    My advice:
    1. Block his number and remove/unfollow/block him if possible on all forms of communication (whatsapp, snapchat,facebook etc). By no means should he be able to contact you directly. Don’t speak to him, he will explain away his behaviour, confuse your small girl brain and then try it again. If he wants to talk to you, let him use his wife’s phone.
    2. Never be in a room/ gathering alone with him. Granted you might still have to meet up at family gatherings and all but never alone. Be courteous but distant. You are kukuma in Uni, give all the excuses in the world to be distant from him and his family. He will try to corner you, don’t let it happen
    3. If number 1 and 2 fail and he trys to pester you, please gather some form of evidence and show it to your family (only). The essence is not to rock his “marriage”, but to justify your staying away.
    4. Please note that his behaviour is not your fault in any way and based on your narration, you did not behave inappropriately at any time. So, there is nothing to feel ashamed about. Dust it off, learn your lessons and keep away.
    5. Lesson: If you need a mentor, look for female mentors not men. Yes, I know some females can be “bitchy” or may not pay as much attention or have your time like the men do. However, there are great ones out there. Pray to God to bring the right ones your way and He sure will.

  39. Xoxo

    May 9, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    I am not here to offer any advice on the “uncle” issue, but I want to let you know that from your writing, it’s evident that medical school is definitely not for you! People who should become doctors (and nurses & other health care professionals) are people who are dedicated to helping and saving lives. Not people who want to become doctors because mummy, daddy or uncle said so. The latter is the reason why there are so many doctors without empathy, and so many that lack competence, because it was never their passion! Please get your masters in something that you actually like!

  40. Lol

    May 9, 2017 at 2:40 pm

    I have a mentor uncle like this. Well I respect and established boundaries. He’s been my mentor since I was 15 now I’m 21. He was the youth pastor but I was involved in the ministry so we became close. One day his wife was yelling at him basically asking him does he want to marry me why is he always around me. Since then I stepped back BIG time. Simple high bye. Because that’s how it starts.
    Anyways you shouldn’t have gone to the movies with him. You should have brought yourself but it’s okay we live and learn. You need to ask God for wisdom for how you will approach his wife. And you definitely need to tell an adult who you trust. Mom if you can. Do your part so your conscience will not eat you alive. Stay far far away from that man and please be careful men. These thirsty Nigerian uncles sha

  41. poster

    May 9, 2017 at 5:22 pm

    Thank you for the advise. I already blocked him, however, i can’t tell my parents about it. i was sexually molested at age 4 by my landlord son, also when i was 14 my cousin tried to rape me in nigeria and i confided in my mom not to tell anyone but she told the whole world and i felt disgusted by her act. Till now i dont have any relationship with some of my extended families because of these. So if i open up to her again she will probably take legal actions… or add fuel to the fire. I’m still shocked and disgusted by his actions because i confided in him about my fears and the things I’m going through and i didn’t see it coming. I was seeing a therapist back in school i was diagnosed with dep/axiety.. and i thought i finally had someone that understood my struggle but oh! well. the one thing I’ve learnt so far is that nobody have my back except from GOD. And people act like they care but in reality they dont. once again i appreciate the love. xo

    • Cookii

      May 9, 2017 at 9:10 pm

      Oh dear, happy to know you blocked the fool. Please don’t blame yourself, you will be shocked the number of people (Nigerian females) who were molested in childhood without their parents awareness. (Many of us were). Our parents’ generation handled sex matters so poorly, hopefully our generation will do better and more importantly, train our sons better. Hmmn, at least your Mum spoke up, most mothers go mute at such matters. What they are afraid of, I don’t know. Why they felt the need to dumb up and protect such men, i don’t get. It It was their protection of such randy men that led to mass irresponsibility among Nigerian men. Our men are really potential rapists, I have had unsolicited and inappropriate touches from trusted seemingly responsible friends that shocked me beyond words. Till date, many of them don’t know it is wrong to touch a woman without consent. Even a dog in the USA has more dignity than we humans in Nigeria. I am not married yet, but to think that as wives women have to devote time and effort to overlook the affairs of a full grown adult man (husband) to ensure he doesn’t go randy is beneath me. That is not something I will do, naaah. Every adult should take responsibility for their actions. May God save us from such men>

    • Me

      May 9, 2017 at 9:41 pm

      Wow I really feel.for you dear. This too shall pass and you will be alright. It wasn’t your fault hunnie. Everything that happened wasnt your fault so please dont blame yourself. The Lord will see you through.

      As for your mums, please forgive her. Sometimes our mum do things we don t understand. But they’re still our mums and we will still love them despite. Kisses.

    • californiabawlar

      May 9, 2017 at 11:12 pm

      Dear poster, I’m sending plenty of love and wishes of healing your way. You have been through a lot but you’ll be fine.
      I will also give you some ‘tough love’.
      I’m of the opinion that you don’t even need to tell your mom…at least not now. Fi what? You’re 23 and a grown woman! Handle the matter and don’t let anyone make you a victim. Don’t be timid. Use this as an exercise on standing up for yourself. You see, we live in a cold harsh world, and a lot of people are predators. Once they smell the fear on you like this, fiam! they will go in for the kill. It doesn’t make it your fault, but the majority of the people around us don’t deserve trust. Even read this comment section. The negative response you got is because of how you told your story. Most of these chicks chatting rubbish will think twice if you had told the story differently (without changing the facts o!) Everything is packaging. I’m not sure if you get my gist but the summary is that you need to gather yourself and work on building your confidence and self-esteem. Trust your instincts…not your mom’s or your friends. You ultimately are your own number 1… no one else can look out for you like you.

      Oh and next time you see ‘uncle ode’, look him dead in the eye! As in, dead in the eye! If he greets you sef don’t answer. His day of reckoning will come.
      All the best with school! Life will work out.

  42. ND babe

    May 10, 2017 at 3:42 am

    After reading all the comments, I have to say I worry as a female about these comments. I was one of those girls that had male mentors who were rich and powerful. I had 6 at different times of my life. 4 of them started out wanting plain old sex with someone young enough to be their daughter. I navigated them successfully away from those thoughts because I needed their influence in my career not what was between their legs. What did I do? I only went for group lunches at work with them. Never one on one lunches. One on one Meetings with them occurred in their offices, with secretaries right outside. Once their sexual intentions were clear, I would tell them I would never sleep with my father, and give them the point blank opportunity to stop talking to me. they were always surprised by this one because I was not wealthy, I am a very pretty rivers maiden, and I needed everything they had to offer. But, I was NOT INTERESTED and I called a spade a spade and gave them an out. I ended up with only 6 I could count as mentors but there were many. Most would do an about turn when I drew the line in teh sand. I steered all conversations to business news, current affairs, school work, and nothing personal that I could not share with regular friends. I even discussed my boyfriend with them – not sex stories but basic “I had a fight with him.” that is how you roll. You cannot be going on movie date with someone who has given you even one signal and you dont want it. he is not paying your school fees under the threat of cutting it off. Your food supply would not stop if you say “sorry, I am not interested in watching a movie with you.” That is why this writer has to take 50% of the blame fair and square. The lecherous “uncle” should take the other 50% for having no self respect. Let us get off our high horses and ensure that each of us is conducting ourselves with the respect we need and feel we deserve. Let us also ensure that we have articulated rules of engagement to people in our lives so that no one is confused about the relationship. It even got to a point, One of my mentors used to joke that I was the girlfriend that never was. If one cannot handle advances, stay away from them.

  43. dela

    May 10, 2017 at 10:24 am

    please respect yourself and your life and avoid this man as soon as possible

  44. Biloy

    May 10, 2017 at 12:25 pm

    @californiabawlar

    My friend there is no shady past anywhere. Everyone has a story to tell. I have told mine and i told it to help her identify her weakness/error and identify with her struggle.

    In resolving some issues you need to be frank even while showing empathy. I was frank with with her but showed her the way out of her problems the way I knew to.

    I did not just chastise her and walk away. I offered help which is what she needs now.
    Free your mind and see the good.

    Poster, I wish you all the best.

  45. Elle

    May 16, 2017 at 8:28 am

    Dear Poster,

    If you come back to read this comment, I’ll urge you refer to my past post on this topic and comments therein. https://www.google.com.ng/amp/s/www.bellanaija.com/2016/12/ms-elle-i-was-abused/amp/

    Dear girl, first of all plenty hugs. Secondly this is not a case of seduction, this is a case of abuse, you were abused on all levels both emotionally and, sexually. I have been through this and by the grace of God I have healed and still am.

    A lot of great advise up here for you but you need to know one thing IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please don’t blame yourself ever for another persons shameless behavior and abuse of authority. That’s how these predators and manipulative people work. I wish you could confide in a trusted family member about it but since you can’t tell your mum then maybe you just handle it alone for now. Tho I think you are older now so your mum should handle it better. Also I don’t think your best friend is the best person to confide in. Sorry to say but that’s my instinct. Regardless, good thing you have cut off all contact with this so called uncle and his entire family with no apologies.

    Save any previous chats for future evidence. You don’t need to respect him or pretend if you ever run into him, just stay away and don’t be friendly, its unnecessary. I’m sure he would have found himself another victim anyway.

    Now as for your healing, you need to pray, ask God’s help to forgive him for your own good so that you can really move on. I have forgiven my predator supervisor but I know better now and have NO communication with him outside of work -cos I still need to work with him for now- and I ensure all communication is documented via email or text message.

    I understand the need to have a mentor cos career decisions seem the hardest right but dear girl look to God and trust me whatever path you choose you will be fine.

    I’ll just stop here and I hope you get stronger and wiser from this experience. Everyday is a learning curve and you will still meet predators like this even after you get married so keep your head up, hold your pride, look after yourself selfishly, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and put your trust in God always.

    I wish you the very best as you keep growing in grace. Xoxo.
    P.s. you can send me an email anytime you feel like talking. Cheers!

  46. Reconsider

    June 20, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. Don’t listen to the comments of the other people here that keep strengthening the culture that silences women. I work with a women’s organization and we always say that Silence is the sound that abusers love to hear. This means that you should cut him off and tell your family why you cut him off. Why should you do this? 1. So you keep stop feeling guilty 2. So you can protect another young women by having people be aware of Jide’s manipulative and abusive nature 3. So his wife can clearly know that she is living and raising her children in a toxic household. Perverts often target younger women because younger women often have the feeling that they do not want to Offend the pervert who is a family member or someone is older. Even older women have this feeling on not wanting to offend the perpetrator within them, but the older you become, the less this feeling is present. As a young women, know that no family relationship, older person, figure of authority should exploit this feeling of being afraid to offend the figure of authority and if they don’t know better, you should tell everybody so everybody can tell them to behave like a decent adult.

  47. Reconsider

    June 20, 2017 at 5:15 pm

    The previous poster, Elle, is right, you save the texts for evidence (even though it might be difficult) and try your best to tell a trusted family member.

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