Unless you are archaic and modern trends don’t interest you, you’ve probably heard the phrase “It goes down in the DM!” one too many times. And what is “it” that exactly “goes down” you may ask? Well, as Banky W (one of Nigeria’s much-loved artistes) showed us earlier this year, some “sliding” and some “ loving” definitely goes down! Apparently, he won the heart of his “one true love”, Adesua Etomi, by first sliding in her DM. “Awwhh, so romantic”… right?
Well, the hype for “sliding into DMs” which followed the couple’s engagement has not been entirely rewarding for most girls. Trust Nigerian guys (especially the Yoruba demons and Igbo Wizards brand), every Tom, Dick, and Harry has since ‘vandalised’ the DMs of girls on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook…even LinkedIn looking to confidently and smoothly get their attention…or rather booty. No doubt, a few have had “good intentions” and have probably even gotten into serious relationships. Some are not really even looking to make a romantic gesture, they just want to network. But the ones that come out of left field tend to be from the guys looking for a date, requesting sex, flirting, or smack talking.
There are too many breeds of these guys that slide into DMs and categorizing them is not the easiest…however, below is a list of 6 of these kinds of guys that slide in the DM. Every girl (slay queen or not) should be able to identify with at least one of these DM termites. Oh! And if you are a dude reading this …and you identify with any on the list, please do everyone a favor and “goan learn work”. You will be alright. Tainz.
Mr. I am looking for a wife
This guy gets an A* for effort as well as A* for annoyance. This misogynist who somehow found himself on the social media is looking to tick off the marriage box on his to-do list. He has run out of options in their real life (or didn’t have any, to begin with) so he does not want to beat around the bush anymore. Either that or he feels the idea of marriage will get you on his case faster than normal. He follows you, likes all the pictures on your wall and sends the message “Please follow back for marriage” via DM. Waawu. You don’t mean it.
Clearly, he does not see anything creepy about the message. This dude does not give up either. He sends so many messages and pictures to show you how much money he has and how he can take care of you. Uncle, why don’t you try your village? Surely, a maiden awaits thee.
The Ex that viewed Your Instastory
After 6 months of nursing the heartbreak and finally moving on from the ‘mumu’, you wake up one morning and see a notification on your Instagram. You have a message. You open it…Lo and behold, it is Uncle I-am-done-with you. He saw the picture of a very sexy plate of jollof rice on your instastory and he wants you to know that “funny enough I ate Jollof rice last night”. Ok and so? In fact, let’s have a conversation. You ate Jollof rice cooked by whom? The beesh I caught you in, ‘init’? Boy bye! I unfollowed you for a reason. Stay in your lane and let me shine gloriously. We broke up for a reason, sliding in my DM to tell me about your day is not going to make up for you drinking garri with my brain. Block.
The 40-year-old Foreigner
It is understandable that a middle-aged man would have some crisis that would make him feel the need to reassure himself of his “sexiness”, ability to still get some, or that would make him want to build a serious relationship and achieve something in life(family wise) if he is still single. Even more, it is understandable that as a fine girl, men from North, East, West, and South would feel an attraction…even 40-year-olds. It is what it is. But, dear sir, I live in Nigeria, You live in New Zealand …distance aside, do we even speak the same language? Why message me? Is there any hope for us really? Oh! You have been to Nigeria before, so, we have something in common. Is that right? Eyah. But then, you have just six followers, but you are following around 6,300 random people…have you considered that perhaps, social media is not for you? Do you really think your place is in my DM?
The One from Primary School
This guy remembers every milestone you achieved in primary school. How you cried when you were flogged in front of the assembly in primary 5, the colour of the ribbon and beads you always wore on your hair. You guys were not very close back then, but he knew you were meant to be together. He still lives in Aba though and works at Crunchies Fried chicken at No. 6 Factory Road, Osisioma. He hopes to visit Lagos soon to see you. Could you also please bring some fried chicken along? This blast from the past usually would present himself as humble and shy. He wouldn’t necessarily comment on any of your photos but will follow you and send you direct messages where he pays you compliments.
Other times, he will try to engage you in conversations about how things aren’t going so great on his end and how you could possibly lift him up…as if you don’t have your own problems already. Bro, there is a reason 20 children don’t play together for 20 years. It was good knowing you back then. You will be alright.
The Guy With a “business” Opportunity
This one is a manager, music producer or artiste and usually he is legit too. He thinks you have a TV face and wants you to star in his music video or he thing you have a great body for modeling and wants to manage you. He believes he can take you to greater heights. This sweet-tongued devil will make the offer sound like the awesome opportunity that you yourself will not start reconsidering your vision in life and contemplating your destiny…especially if you have fantasize being on TV or being a celebrity. As soon as you give him your number, his creepier side starts to show. He starts to beat around the bush and procrastinate on the work part too. Other times though, this guy read your bio and saw your profession in your profile and thought it would make sense to reach out as he has a real business opportunity.
Truth is, you really want to respond to this guy as you never know where your luck will shine. In as much as you respond to this guy, you just have to be careful though. 7 out of 10, he uses the job/business opportunity as a front to hit on you or get laid. Do your due diligence to research on them before you open your doors.
The Inappropriate One
This guy is just disgusting and inappropriate. He is not shy at all and seriously lacks charm. He sends a lengthy message objectifying your pictures and letting you know what he wants to do to you with his tongue and phallus if you gave him the chance to. Now if this was a hunk like Edris Elba or Nonso Bassey, you would try and be flattered… but this guy is not even remotely attractive. Worse, he actually has a girlfriend whose pictures are plastered all over his wall, except him and his girlfriend are going through a ‘rough patch’, but even at that, out of the 16.5k people he follows 16,498 of them are girls. When you refuse to respond to him, his ego gets bruised and he starts to insult you saying you’re rude or ugly as f*ck and should be grateful he even approached you. Please, if I am ugly, why did you jump on my DM and why are you so burnt? PM friend, please gerrarahere.
Have you come across these kinds of guys in your DM? Can you think of other kinds of these guys who slide in the DM? Please share your experience!
Photo Credit: Kiosea39 | Dreamstime