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Chantel Netimah: Resist the Urge to Hook Up with Your Ex this Christmas

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In this season of jolly jolly it can be tempting to call up an ex or have them call you or text; because at the moment, you think they would want to hear from you (or vice versa) because ‘Christmas season’ ‘season of love’ – everyone is trying to make peace and forgive each other.

You’re cooking up the kind of text to send or if you should call; what to say, how they would respond. Infact some of you have picked the ‘freakum dress’ to wear to that bar where you know you’re likely to bump into them, but pretend that you suddenly have amnesia and didn’t remember they always go there. Okay say you actually get together because ‘happy season’ and then things happen and after ‘happy season’ you’re back to square one and you wonder what happened?

Whatever the scenario might be, this is just an example of how you might find yourself throwing caution to the wind and using Christmas as an excuse to make contact. As tempting as it may seem, making contact is loaded with expectations that more often than not, end in disappointment. I mean it works for some, but not everyone.

Remember! Christmas season – Infact holiday season, only lasts for a few days or weeks, but the repercussions from making contact are likely to last a lot longer. Whether good or bad, it would impact on your sense of self and no doubt sour your memories of a time of year that is really for spending around people who actually give a damn about you and are not just out to get what they want whilst detracting from you.

You may think it’s mean, not to be speaking to someone at Christmas – but the reality is that it’s not. It’s okay to not engage with someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. I know we like to think that Christmas is about miracles, but I think when it comes to a relationship that’s dead, we like to push our luck and expect too much. Your perception of what Christmas is different to what another person’s perception is.

The truth is, if someone didn’t act with love, care, respect and trust in the relationship, why do you expect them to suddenly act right not only when they’re out of the relationship but when it’s Christmas?

This is a tricky time of the year and particularly if you’ve been focused on your partner and built a lot of things around them, you may feel like you can’t function without him/her. The very source of your misery will seem like a beacon of light that appears to be your only source of joy because you’re validating yourself off this person and deriving all of your happiness from him/her.

If you’re broken up with someone, and doing the ‘no contact’ rule and you’re finding yourself tempted to make contact, it suggests that whilst you’re not ‘physically’ making contact, mentally you’re still very much embroiled in what you think you both had. You’re still focusing on him/her rather than on you.

We can only learn from experience – you can throw caution to the wind and make contact, if you’re prepared to be real and realize that if things don’t meet your expectations then it’s on you and no time for pity party.

You may feel you have history with an ex so that gives you reason to keep going back, but this doesn’t mean you should repeat history and the quality of the history goes a long way. Use the history of the relationship to draw strength from the fact that you have tried, you’ve made a decision and stand by you and be confident in your decision.

There will be pain ahead particularly if you feel drawn like a moth to a flame but with time and a refocus on you and the other people in your life, comes freedom.

Better to give yourself the gift of freedom this Christmas than the gift of pain in the butt.

Merry Christmas.

Photo Credit: Lightfieldstudiosprod | Dreamstime

Sugar, Spice and everything nice! Jesus baby, HR Personnel, Freelance Makeup Artist, Fashionista, Introvert/Extrovert (yes who says I can’t be both) I love to cook yasss food is bae! waffles, coffee, coco cola and you have my attention. I usually hangout on Twitter. Instagram: @chantelmartha Twitter: @mchantel

27 Comments

  1. June

    December 19, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    This messageeee sha! Just in the nick of time! Seeing as weird messages have started appearing on my phone! ?????

    • trebor

      December 19, 2017 at 5:29 pm

      I find it baffling that exes, especially men would want to hook up. I wouldn’t want to, especially after looking at the cost of things in Christmas. The best move is break up on November 29th and try to make amends on 1st March. That way, you skip Christmas, new year and valentines day (you may also skip the person’s birthday too, if you’re in luck)

    • Fleur

      December 20, 2017 at 4:44 am

      Just when I thought Xmas was all about visits to the village and weddings. i did not know it was hook up season as well. May Christ forgive the hookuppers

  2. JJ

    December 19, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Correct article. it is never a gud idea to call up an ex for whatever reason. i tried it and it blew up in my face. mine wasn’t christmas though. there are times when i feel lonely and feel like talking to someonet and i want to call but i have to think of the repecursions that will come later on. it may feel gud at first, but then you begin to see and remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

  3. Elle

    December 19, 2017 at 4:36 pm

    Calling, texting or even looking at am ex is bad news. I tried it and it totally backfired. I still have nightmares whenever I remember the attitude he gave me. Bad news.

  4. eagleeye

    December 19, 2017 at 4:48 pm

    Good article and in the nick of time! I almost fell victim – even sent the text but sense slapped me in the face and I killed the convo (okay the guy wasn’t really playing ball like I had hoped so I carried my dignity and ‘man’d up lol)
    Very apt reminder not to try and re-send the text again on Christmas day. You know we can like to hope……
    Merry Christmas all!

  5. shabba

    December 19, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Always tempting but my work around for this dire situation is to find a temporary holiday “snack” to cuff with and offload them before mid January. I will not feed any ex’s ego.

  6. Loki

    December 19, 2017 at 5:30 pm

    BN, why did you post this? I was already making plans to be baaaad. Now I can’t make the excuse “I didn’t know better”. Ah well, there is Easter break…

  7. Ms Jayee

    December 19, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    Funny, but this article made me think of my ex and shoot! – today is his birthday! Thanks a lot Chantel! *growling*

  8. Xala

    December 19, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    Y’all lucky. when my ex’s name comes to mind, my first thought is “not today Satan”.

  9. Canary

    December 19, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Apt!

  10. Future

    December 19, 2017 at 7:04 pm

    Hmmm….when I couldn’t let go (as i kept going back.)…cos my ex was a good guy but the God thing just didnt tick. I eventually had to drop a detach seed on the altar…it worked,
    I guess I can add that to my testimonies…hmmm

  11. AA

    December 19, 2017 at 7:48 pm

    Well its a very nice article however you cannot rule out sincere good wishes which obviously could be reciprocated. Its very easy to determine the motives behind moves behind one’s ex. My ex called me and text me on my birthday and i refused to acknowledge both as she is an expert in taking advantage of the slimmest window.

  12. AceOfSpades

    December 19, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    Off Topic
    I also hope I do not offend anyone with this.

    So today I was discussing with some girls and we were talking about rape. Now as we were gisting, I said ‘…………….rape victim’ and they went off on me. They said I should say rape survivor instead. Please what’s the difference between Rape victim and Rape survivor?

    • Loki

      December 19, 2017 at 8:38 pm

      Nothing whatsoever. Don’t allow anybody make you feel bad over their own silliness. Rape is a crime and crimes have victims. A person can be both a survivor and a victim. One does not necessarily preclude the other. With all due respect, this is why people dislike Social Justice Warriors. Many times, they tip over the line between crusader and politically correct lunatic.

    • tunmi

      December 20, 2017 at 5:15 pm

      There are two types of meanings to words: the dictionary and factual type (denotation) and the idea or feeling that word gives (connotation).

      Yes with crimes, there are victims and perpetrators. The word victim also has a connotation of being weak and helpless. That’s where the term survivor comes in. It really is up to each person to define how they want to address their trauma. Use the language the person starts with. And when in doubt, use survivor.

      Survivor evokes feelings of hope, victim doesn’t. Victim implies something happened to you, which is true. But survivor implies living despite what has happened to you

  13. Anonymous

    December 19, 2017 at 9:34 pm

    I totally agree “NEVER WASTE TIME” on a time waster who doesn’t care about you or have your interest at heart.

    Some A-hole, almost had me fooled (oh well, who the heck am I kidding?!) Omo! Bobo fooled the heck outta me, fell hard for his game SHAMELESSLY, lol, Girl was dreaming and yearning! Damnnnnn the PAIN last christmas, I almost died. Say I no die, I no go die again.

    But you know what they say, “revenge is a dish best served cold” (now please I’m not subscribing we go off seeking it) mine presented itself and I grabbed it! (I owe it to me to protect myself)

    He kept calling (imagine! the nerve! after shattering my heart), trying to run the same game, yours truly had to let him understand this adage in it’s full context “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, SHAME ON ME”.

    Gosh…….. the joy of writing Anonymously : )

  14. Emmanuel

    December 20, 2017 at 2:21 am

    This article came right in time as I just reconnected with my ex 2 days ago immediately I arrived my hometown .. And mehn its funny how in one meeting, you’re falling all over again, thinking she has changed…..i had to purge my heart with prayers yesterday. Thanks for this!

  15. Odoyewu

    December 20, 2017 at 7:58 am

    Just what I needed, for the past 5years, he has been the one I text first for Xmas, the first I wish a happy new year, the first I talk to every morning, my gisting partner my best friend , and he does all that too ,just last month we broke up, I just don’t know how to deal.

    • Audrey

      December 20, 2017 at 12:08 pm

      Sorry.
      Find by force happiness. Visit family and friends by force, stay longer. Download lots and lots of movies, preferably comedy. Attend every event you’re invited to. In short keep yourself occupied and spend as little time alone as possible. And if you know Jesus tell him about how you feel like how you’d tell your friend and ask him to help you.

    • Jewel

      December 20, 2017 at 6:13 pm

      You are going to be fine baby, just plan a self date or plan with few friends, hang out and have plenty of fun this season. You can text every member of your family…. Dont be hard on yourself.

    • memebaby

      December 20, 2017 at 7:28 pm

      sweetie…it will be hard but you will be fine hokay 🙂 kiss kiss

  16. memebaby

    December 20, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    ex ? what or who is that ? smh
    another year and no boo.. it gets lonely sometimes like wetin!! thank God work finishes on Thursday, I can look for activities/places to go during the holiday and not stay in bed with a bowl of grilled turkey and netflix my life away!
    i mean it would be nice to spend it with a significant other and not with my brother and his cat.

  17. Renaissance

    December 23, 2017 at 11:48 pm

    So I’m leaving this here because I just need to talk to someone and really I have no one I can talk to about this . It’s long but here it goes.
    2 years ago this date, I made a foolish decision in my love which led to a heart break and my heart has been breaking ever since then. I grew up very principled and a go getter. I never entered into a relationship even in the university because I was waiting for the good deserving guy. Somehow I finished school with excellent grades and got work at a reputable company and it seems that is when my heart woes began. I became friends with a more senior colleague and it was just friendship with no feelings attached (we clicked and all but I never thought about him romantically) until 2 years ago when someway somehow we started flirting subtly with each other. I really don’t even know how it started but it was the first time I was engaging in any flirting of the sort and it felt good. I was giddy and all. He kept inviting me to his house and I never honoured his invitation until a day in December when I had fully admitted to myself that I liked him and went to his place. What was supposed to be a movie watching Marathon turned out to be the day I got my first kiss and yes we went a bit further but not to the point of sleeping with each other. I was a bit disconcerted because though we were flirting with each other and I knew he liked me on some level because of all the convos we had, he had not even asked me out and here I was kissing him. Fast forward to some days and I asked him what happened between us, and I received my first heartbreak with the words, well I’m really confused about whatever this is and will like to jump out. There and then I knew I had been naive and had been badly played. Trying to save the last shreds of my dignity, I acted nonchalant. determined not to let him know how much he had hurt me.
    Fast forward to some days in the office, I started noticing that this guy I loved couldn’t keep his eyes of one very beautiful girl in our office (and I know because well I couldn’t keep my eyes of him). Well, my suspicions were confirmed that he had began dating her and that is when the hell im going through really began….spending my life in that office looking at the one I wanted wanting someone else. That kind of life can destroy your self esteem and it certainly destroyed mine…

  18. Renaissance

    December 24, 2017 at 12:07 am

    Life in the office became reduced to everything from stalking, putting up a brAve face even though I was dying inside and of course consistently comparing myself to this girl and always falling short.
    For sometime I stopped talking to him but the heart still wanted him and someway somehow this same dude came back to reconnect with me. As dumb and stupid as I was, I settled for the crumbs he had to offer. I can say it was just like being a side chick because though I never allowed him to have sex with me, (because I knew I won’t be able to get over him if sex was involved), we kissed on a couple of occasions, sexted, and had both emotional meaningful convos and naughty ones as well. That period was both exciting but very damaging as well. Because he will drop my call to pick his girlfriend’s or just do other things that made me know I will always be second choice. How I had gotten to this point (someone who had always set standards for herself) only God knows. How had I become so loose and so selfish to want someone else’s man? A couple of times I will try to end it and he will come begging and treating me real good. And then of course his mind goes back to his main love
    As at now, I don’t talk to him that way anymore because yes I have accepted that I will never be the one. and I know I’m being played. I just wish I could get over him. Every day I see him with his girl, I die a little more. It’s been 2 wasted years loving someone who will never feel that way about me, and now I sit here wondering will I ever get over him? Will this hell ever end? Is it bad that o always wish their love apart? Will i ever find love ? Will my heart heal ? Why didn’t he choose me? Will anyone choose me ? So many questions that keep killing me. And I can’t even talk to friends and family because I’m supposed to be the girl who has her life together. The sensible, good one. But I’ve not been sensible and I’ve not been good. How will I forgive myself ? Oh God I need help.

    • memebaby

      December 25, 2017 at 9:20 am

      hmmm..sweetie i honestly think you are getting worked up over ……2 years is a long time oh and from the essay you wrote, you already know you deserve better! you’ve got to cut this man out of your life!!! or can you get another job ? if yes, then do so.. but you need to let it go! it will be hard but for your sanity and for the right man to enter your life..let this man go!

    • Rrrrrrr

      December 28, 2017 at 8:10 am

      Babe please if a transfer is possible request for it even if its a village. You will be fine. I promise. Cut him off like a cancer please.

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