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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Marriage to a Nigerian Man is Suffocating Me

BellaNaija.com

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BN Confession Box

Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija.We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***
I am from one of the neighbouring countries of Nigeria. I am married to a Yoruba guy who is barely 37 years old… but without mincing words,  a typical African man. We have been married for close to 5 years now and we have a child together. But from the time we got married till now, I am still struggling to understand him and be the kind of wife he wants: respectful, submissive and loving according to his dictionary.

We met online, were first friends and after quite a while decided to take our relationship to the next level. At the start, we had more of a long-distance relationship – we lived in separate locations and met just a few times in months and never really stayed together longer than one or two months max.  Our means of communication were calls, chats, and texts which worked well for us until situations changed and we had to live together. I thought this would be a perfect time for us to bond, make up on lost times and plan our future together. But I guess I was wrong. My husband is erratic, he nags at every little thing, he complains literally about everything, his mood swings are worse than those of a pregnant woman.  I can’t seem to figure out how to make him happy, because one thing that is acceptable today might not be acceptable tomorrow. When there is a problem I am the one to apologize or try to make peace even when I am not at fault. After all, he is the man, all-knowing and always right. So it is my place to beg him and tell him sorry even if I didn’t do anything wrong.

Now, I am not in any way saying I am the perfect wife… No…not at all. I have my own shortcomings that I am aware of and I am trying to work on them, but how do I even know if it’s worth trying to save a union with someone whom you aren’t sure if he has the same perspective about the union? I know I might sound stupid but I love this guy. Sincerely, that’s the reason I endure and bear all the crap he dishes out to me. But for how long? How long will I continue to be in a relationship with someone who belittles me at every given opportunity? How long will I stay quiet to all the mean despicable things he says to me? How long will I continue to caress/massage his ego? For how long will I stay with someone who doesn’t value or appreciate me and tells me whenever he gets angry that I am a mistake, a disappointment, an unfortunate lady to be with and promises me hard times ahead? How about my happiness? Don’t I deserve to be happy?  Talking about it now… I literally don’t know what it means to be happy.

We got married legally (and in church too), so from a Christian perspective divorce has never really been my option. I am currently contemplating it now regardless of the vows I took because my husband says I should be ready for whatever comes.  In my mind, I can’t rule out the possibility of it happening and even though the thought is scary, I try to put myself in that position whereby if it comes to it, I have to brace up and face it. But before I get there, I am trying to save my marriage.

The reason I am here is to find out if there is something I am missing. Is the definition of love, respect and submission when it comes to husband and wife relationship different in the Yoruba culture? Is it okay in the Nigerian culture for a man to say and do demeaning things to his wife just so to prove he is in charge? Is it normal for a man to be verbally abusive and sometimes even physically abusive just to show he is the authority? The last incident that made me come running here to seek advice is, my husband got angry recently over something very insignificant and for over a week refused to talk to me or eat. However, he chooses to eat at late nights during which I have to prepare him freshly cooked meals; not just a quick fix like spaghetti but Nigerian stew, making me leave the kitchen in the early hours of the morning past midnight to about 1:30am.  Also, as punishment, I have to suck him and then he will have rough sex with me. Or I will have to shower for him to watch and then play with myself. On a good day, I don’t mind giving him a bj or taking a shower while he watches but when he says it …the way he does and makes it as punishment, I can’t help but feel I am being objectified.  I fear having daughters because I don’t want them to see what I go through and feel that is a woman’s path. So please ladies out there or even the typical African/Nigerian men, I would like to know what it takes to love, respect and honour a man as a husband according to the Nigerian/Yoruba way. Please advice.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

63 Comments

  1. Me

    August 21, 2018 at 5:24 am

    This dude is messed up and it really has nothing to do with him being Nigerian or Yoruba, there are horrible men from every nook and cranny of this world. He should either see a therapist to sort out his issues or you leave him, I don’t think it’s worth it. He’ll end up making you live a hellish life….that’s my 1 kobo

    • Lala

      August 21, 2018 at 3:43 pm

      Right?! This guy is a straight up prick.

    • chioma

      August 22, 2018 at 11:57 pm

      Thank you. It has nothing to do with ethnic, country skin color. I’m igbo girl married to a yoruba man, never have I endure any of this at all. Infact, one of my colleagues is going through similar situation and they are both white. Their story is even more disturbing and shocking than this. This guy sounds deranged. I won’t put the blame on only him. You knew what you signed up for. You’ve encouraged and participated. Who knows that’s probably what attracted you. So, I hope you can work on yourself first, change your mindset.
      Men, human beings only do things they feel is acceptable bcos you allowed, and tolerated.
      I don’t believe in being too afraid to say no, stand your truth. Which means there’s a part of you who thinks it’s okay.

  2. Anonymous

    August 21, 2018 at 6:02 am

    Your husband doesn’t love you. How I wish you can take a walk out of that marriage. It is going to get worse as time goes on . As you can see it is getting worse. Before it gets to frequent physical beating pls kindly plan how to leave and leave as soon as possible without informing him

  3. memebaby

    August 21, 2018 at 6:18 am

    what!! while reading your story I kept thinking.. what else is new… not until the last few sentences..cooking till 1:30am..bathing naked..rough sex ..when its not consensual etc.. sis you gotta go.. don’t be the divorce is not an option yen yen yen.. do you want to die or go crazy ?.. Please find the courage and leave.. you decide if you wanna divorce him or take a break but you need to leave that animal you call your husband. he does not love you..
    No i am not married but this is cruel..

    • memebaby

      August 22, 2018 at 1:20 am

      Bella, do you reach out to writers to see if you can help ? provide female lawyers and the likes ? thats if the writers request for help

  4. amor

    August 21, 2018 at 6:26 am

    being loving and kind has got nothing to do with pride, I think you married a guy without truly knowing him either you were blinded by sex or gifts that you ignored red flags that should have alerted you. I suggest you both go for counseling or leave the marriage you have more years ahead than you have already spent with him.

  5. Ada

    August 21, 2018 at 7:22 am

    First things first, you saw the red flags, you ignored them and married him. I will advise counselling while you separate for a few months,let both parties decide if they still want the marriage or not. Women need to stop this ‘I am am Christian’ mentality which keeps them in abusive marriages. My younger sister was in an abusive arrange for 10 years, my dad kept telling her to leave, she said she is born again, divorce is not an option, she died in 2010 from health problems from the constant beatings. I am a christian and will not advise any woman to stay in a bad situation,

    • Rofiat

      September 9, 2018 at 3:30 pm

      sorry about your sis?

  6. Nthata

    August 21, 2018 at 7:32 am

    while at it, remember depression might come knocking. so you should also be worried about your mental health baby girl. As for your husband, I have nothing to say, i’ve read it all but the crap he does to you takes the cake

  7. Tito

    August 21, 2018 at 7:43 am

    This is cruel.

  8. nana

    August 21, 2018 at 7:47 am

    This man does not love you, him being Nigerian or African does not excuse his behavior. A man that loves and cherishes his wife does not treat her that way. A healthy relationship is about mutual respect. Your husband is a narcissistic asshole, before you lose yourself and your sanity please leave. There is no shame in leaving for this husband of yours has never fulfilled his marital vows.

  9. Nito

    August 21, 2018 at 7:48 am

    This is the definition of Love — 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

    Something drastic need to happen if there is any hope of a change. Try exposing his wicked ways to someone he has respect for. Also separate from him until he get medical and psychological help, continue praying for him albeit from a distance. Don’t come back till he gets well. In all these things, please use wisdom.

  10. Na me talk am

    August 21, 2018 at 7:56 am

    Flee!! And do it now whilst you are still young. You are not in a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship. You are in an extremely abusive relationship and his abuse is escalating at an alarming rate and he sees you as lower than a slave. I know men like him very well. Develop a backbone, call his bluff and say no and mean it or else he will kill you eventually. Think of your child in all this. Would you want him to think that this is how women should be treated. Break the cycle please. The same church that tells you not to divorce will conduct your funeral service eventually. Sorry to be harsh but I’ve seen it too often.

  11. Desola

    August 21, 2018 at 7:59 am

    While a typical Nigerian man might be entitled, he certainly knows how the unwritten rules and propriety when it comes to sex. This is a case of
    physical abuse
    Psychological abuse, and
    Mental abuse
    My sister, this is not a case of cultural differences, unfortunately, you married a psychopath who just happens to be Nigerian.
    My advise: get out while you can still recognize yourself and there’s no child to make the divorce messy.

    • Desola

      August 21, 2018 at 8:03 am

      While a typical Nigerian man might be entitled, he certainly knows the unwritten rules and propriety when it comes to sex. This is a case of
      physical abuse
      Psychological abuse, and
      Sexual abuse
      My sister, this is not a case of cultural differences, unfortunately, you married a psychopath who just happens to be Nigerian.
      My advise: get out while you can still recognize yourself and there’s no child to make the divorce messy.

  12. Titi Adebayo

    August 21, 2018 at 8:56 am

    I can totally relate with this post. My husband used to be like this until I started saying NO! You want me to cook at 11pm. “Sorry I can’t. I can’t cook later than 7pm.”
    He wants to keep malice with me for months that’s his business I can’t even see you. I’m too busy and when you want to have rough sex with me I say NO! If you can’t make love sorry I’m not down. He used to try having forceful sex until I kicked him in the balls and called him an animal.

    Why do you take all the crap He dishes out? Why can’t you say No! He wants you to take a shower as punishment, say NO! Submission is not doing whatever your husband says if it’s not in line with God’s will. God didn’t create submission for women to be treated like animals. I’ll suggest you read a book called “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Townsend. Learn to say No! Call his bluff! and then leave his sorry ass if he continues. He doesn’t deserve you. Build your self confidence. Earn your own money. You need to know that you deserve to be treated better.

  13. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    August 21, 2018 at 8:59 am

    RUN OH BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE

  14. Nicole

    August 21, 2018 at 9:13 am

    Do you guys live in Nigeria or not? If you live outside Nigeria, it could be that he may have married you temporarily and has found a Yoruba woman, or just another woman who tickles his fancy.
    Not to erroneously generalise, but Yoruba men tend to be very notorious for this, they are conditioned from childhood to choose Yoruba women first or eventually. They may date or even marry a non-yoruba, non-nigerian or a non-black woman momentarily, but when considering life-long commitment, they tend to go back and find a yoruba lady, especially when one who ticks all the boxes surfaces. Other than that, he might just be misogynist/abuser or may be going through hard times and projecting unto you.

  15. iHeart

    August 21, 2018 at 9:14 am

    You don’t have children together abi? Just thank your God. Pack your load and RUN! Run so fast let your leg touch the back of your head.

    Children will tie you to him forever. Run now so you never ever have to deal with him again. You will find love again but only the living can love.

    God bless you and give you strength to run.

  16. Sandra

    August 21, 2018 at 9:31 am

    WTFH did I just read????? Jesus Mary and Joseph take control. This is slavery. Reminds me of D’jango unchained, Roots or 12 years a slave.

  17. Ruth

    August 21, 2018 at 9:43 am

    leave the home with your child and go to a place he can not trace you. live healthy and take care of your child. the next thing you do for him is to pray for him and one day he will come begging on his kness

  18. Cocoa

    August 21, 2018 at 9:56 am

    I didnt even have to read the rest..from the moment you said you live with an ERRATIC *boy* (he is not a man)…i already knew that sis YOU NEED TO BE SEPERATED PHYSICALLY.

    You cant live under the same roof with an unpredictable person who THREATENS you that the worst is yet to come. PLEASE BELIEVE HIM. Dont be consumed with the ifs and buts of divorce for now just PHYSICALLY remove yourself from this situation to a SAFE PLACE.

    You made a big mistake in your singleness.. by not getting to know God intimately..but its not too late. ACCEPT JESUS AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR. TALK TO HIM. LAY YOUR BURDENS AT HIS FEET. LET HIM HEAL YOU. HE CARES.

    Nothing compares to your eternity…not marriage, not kids, NOTHING.

    p.s: It has nothing to do with him being yoruba. You chose the wrong guy..but only because you didnt have the wisdom of God to guide you. The mistake has already been made its time to look to a BRIGHTER FUTURE with Christ as your CENTER. Will be praying for you my dear.

    • Jummy

      August 21, 2018 at 11:49 am

      Cocoa sis, you REALLY need to chill. Everyone has been complaining about the way you choose to word your advice and I always turned the other cheek but this, this right here is cruel. This advise you gave is not a godly one. And it is not at all coated in love but in judgment. You’re beginning to sound very much like the pharisees that Jesus complained about in the bible.

      Granted, it is not God’s will to give you the wrong spouse, but one can be a Christian and still make mistakes. Afterall, We’re human!

      This is not the time to start telling her to accept christ when you’re not sure whether she has or not. At this point she’s feeling down and reading comments like yours will only make her feel worse.

    • Cocoa

      August 21, 2018 at 2:13 pm

      Jummy please don’t make me cry.. ” this is not the time to tell her to accept Christ?????””

      When is the time to tell her?? when she is dead and its too late????? Do you think any of us are guaranteed to be alive even in the next hour?

      Do you love these people at all????? Would you rather they never get the opportunity to accept Christ and perish???

      Sorry but i will NOT sit here and watch people go without knowing that we all have been given a free gift : JESUS!!!

      We are in a war…whether you decide to put on your full armour of Christ and join your fellow comrads is up to you.

      I love you but your feelings are not my standard. CHRIST IS. And as my master leads me ..i go.

    • mywifeisfiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

      August 21, 2018 at 6:50 pm

      Internet warrior, please put your picture up and complete the fight to save souls. Don’t hide behind a keyboard to harass people with you myopic view. what makes you think you know the way to heaven?

    • didi

      August 23, 2018 at 8:14 am

      Please dear read what cocoa wrote again, she said nothing wrong. Making the right decision starts with seeking God first

    • Ajala & Foodie

      August 21, 2018 at 7:18 pm

      @Cocoa, I am personally tired of the bigotry you spew in the name of Christ. No, you are NOT a Christian!!! Golly!!! The bible says by their fruit you shall know them. I have read your so called “come to Jesus” comments where all you do is play the Trinity. Jump to unwarranted conclusion and sit comfortably on that judgement seat and pass judgement on people. Doing it all in the name of Christ!!!

      From this spiel what makes you think this woman may or may not know God? Or do you think this does not happen in Christian homes or relationships? The bible says in this world we will have troubles. Trouble can come in any form even relational too.( Read the story of Job!!! And yes you sound like Job’s friends) . You, dear Cocoa, have decided and insinuted that this happened only because she did not know Jesus. In this particular situation, you have totally displayed a lack of empathy and yes,even if somehow you have magical powers to know this woman’s spiritual state. The same Bible says there is time for everything. It is people like you that go to mourn with others and start quoting “do not mourn because you will see them on the last day” and we wonder why people want nothing to do with Christianity? I have a lot to say to you but for now i will say keep your bigotry if you so wish, but please leave Jesus out of it. He is NOTHING like you or what you have so far in portrayed him to be on this page.

    • Californiabawlar

      August 21, 2018 at 4:12 pm

      Sister Elijah you should have read the rest before starting your sermon on the mountain. Good advice about leaving physical ASAP though, may we not see fire inside well. Her husband is mentally depraved. There’s no saving this one… divorce is the answer. God is a God of second chances… you’ll find a better life outside of this mess.

    • didi

      August 21, 2018 at 8:36 pm

      Yummy i get your drift, even if cocoa sound blunt what she said is true, i feel so bad this woman has to go through this but like cocoa said the foundation of this relationship is faulty, no matter how you shine your eyes before choosing a life partner you still would not see some hidden things except you tell God to reveal them to you, some are inherited problems some are mental problems, some emotional which the person has left unattended to. I know of someone with serious character issues but guess what the mother said ? Please leave my child, she will find someone that loves her just like this” lollsss then one innocent soul comes over to carry the burden. Only God reveals SECRETS my dear.

  19. chichi

    August 21, 2018 at 9:59 am

    Is this a joke? Are you for real? The last part I thought was for sure a joke. Listen this is not a Nigerian man! This is a nasty piece of work who happens to be Nigerian. There are many of them in Nigeria but you will find them everywhere. I’m not Yoruba but I have never got the impression from my friends parents or my married Yoruba friends that such a thing was possible and exclusive to Yoruba culture. In all of what you wrote you never mentioned talking to him. Listen if you are not able to say all or even some of the things you wrote here then that’s where you should start. Listen submissive doesn’t mean being dumb and going along with everything, a relationship is not ruled by fear but instead respect and if you want to be the submissive wife you should only do it because you are respected as a wife. You are not even being respected as a human being first of all. You better have your survival fund because if nothing gets better after communicating you need to leave with some sanity.

  20. Adeleke

    August 21, 2018 at 10:15 am

    As a man, and a Yoruba man at that, I am appalled and shocked at this piece I am reading. Honestly, I personally think Black men as a whole are depraved and psychologically demented, maybe its spiritual or an evil flow from generation to generation, brought about by slavery, oppression and maybe even curses.

    This is too extreme my sister, please leave him. You are not an animal, an object or a prostitute. My heart bleeds for you and you deserve better. I am sorry you ended up with a self-serving deranged monkey of a man, who now happens to be Yoruba, and yet you wonder the moniker ‘Yoruba Demons’

    Even me myself I am guilty of erratic behaviour and mood swings and thank God for MFM deliverance I am working hard at changing.

    My dear take your daughter and LEAVE

  21. Adeleke

    August 21, 2018 at 10:16 am

    As a man, and a Yoruba man at that, I am appalled and shocked at this piece I am reading. Honestly, I personally think Black men as a whole are depraved and psychologically demented, maybe its spiritual or an evil flow from generation to generation, brought about by slavery, oppression and maybe even curses.

    This is too extreme my sister, please leave him. You are not an animal, an object or a prostitute. My heart bleeds for you and you deserve better. I am sorry you ended up with a self-serving deranged monkey of a man, who now happens to be Yoruba, and yet you wonder the moniker ‘Yoruba Demons’

    Even me myself I am guilty of erratic behaviour and mood swings and thank God for MFM deliverance I am working hard at changing.

    My dear take your daughter and LEAVE

    • Rampage

      August 21, 2018 at 1:45 pm

      As a self appointed spokesman of the black igbo delegation we respectfully reject that label you gave to all black men.

    • Adeleke

      August 21, 2018 at 2:43 pm

      Noted sir, thanks for your observation. Can you please use your self-appointed initiative to speak against ritual killings and 419 schemes your people seem to be experts at?

    • Cocolette

      August 21, 2018 at 4:10 pm

      Oh please Mr Adeleke!!! Denigrate yourself and your people all you want but please, don’t carry it over to other tribes or try to start a tribal war.
      You are the only person here blind enough not to see that the poster’s husband is terrible not because he is black or Nigerian or yoruba, he is just a terrible, depraved, sociopath who needs sessions with a psychotherapist. There are numerous white people like him, I daresay more than blacks.
      So while you denigrate yourself, don’t force other men to accept your dirty tag.

    • Californiabawlar

      August 21, 2018 at 4:15 pm

      That escalated quickly… you know better than this bro.

    • blue

      August 21, 2018 at 8:18 pm

      In 2018, we still have ”educated” individuals still clinching hard to stereotypes. I am pretty sure google search would show you that 419 and ritual killings are not limited to the igbos but hey let’s be clueless and display it in a public forum”sir”. Congratulations you just made the post about you mofo.

    • Smh

      August 22, 2018 at 8:43 pm

      **I personally think Black men as a whole are depraved and psychologically demented, maybe its spiritual or an evil flow from…..*

      What a shameful statement, and even worse it’s coming from a man. Next time, please just replace your erroneous statements with “I” and personalize it very well.

    • TEMI TOPE

      September 27, 2018 at 9:49 pm

      Why are you putting all black men in the same pot??? My husband is 15 years older than me, and he is a full blooded African, educated, well mannered, we are not millionaires but we have a wonderful, sweet marriage.. I gave him 5 bouncy boys and one girl.. we live in a beautiful homes in California… and my boys are the best young, fine men.. any girl will die for.. they are two doctors and one pilot and the rest are still in college.. THINK BEFORE YOU THINK.. NOT BECAUSE THE MAN you’ve been with is bad that all BLACK MEN are sick.. it is an INSULT.. and by the way.. I WAS RAISED BY A WONDERFUL BLACK AFRICAN DAD.. who was a Veterinarian and my mum was very educated but chose to stay home to raise me and my sibblings.. I think you are nothing else but a FOOL.. it ‘s not because a MAN MISTREATED YOU THAT ALL BLACK MEN ARE BAD.. there are bad white , Asian , eurosian men who are also wicked.. SO I SAY TAKE A WALK

  22. Jackie

    August 21, 2018 at 10:28 am

    My dear, my heart bleeds for you but I think you are asking the wrong question. With the way you have described your husband, he sounds like a classic narcissistic abuser and with people like that, you cannot love them to become better. No matter what you do or try they will remain broken abusive people. Understand that you are not the issue, its all him.

    The best thing that you can do is to get out. Do whatever you need to do to be in a position to leave whether it is getting a job if you don’t already have one, saving up money, finding shelter. In the meantime, educate yourself on narcissists and the abuse cycle but please sister, I implore you to get out.

    Goodluck to you sis. Do whats best for you and your child. Don’t become a statistic.

  23. Critique

    August 21, 2018 at 12:38 pm

    What happens if you just say “no”?

    • Anon

      August 21, 2018 at 3:26 pm

      My thoughts exactly

    • Californiabawlar

      August 21, 2018 at 4:31 pm

      Physical abuse?? Yikes!

  24. isaid

    August 21, 2018 at 1:07 pm

    Run! Run! Run!

  25. Anon

    August 21, 2018 at 3:25 pm

    I be Yoruba and I marry Yoruba man. I never see who will even suggest such manner of funny requests to me. Its all about what you can tolerate. And it looks like you can. So if you don’t suck and shower and etc, what exactly will he do? I must confess I don’t understand how women put up with this manner of behaviour for long. Another reason why women need to be busy. Honey after a long day at work and enduring crazy traffic to and fro you will press control ignore for any funny person, husband or not!

  26. Jojo

    August 21, 2018 at 4:04 pm

    Girl, this man doesn’t represent Yoruba or any tribe of man. Sounds quite disturbed and is abusing you down into the ugly hole he finds himself. Right now seems to be on a mission to scare you away or break you down. Whichever, the out come is going to be ulgly
    Run, don’t walk. Don’t look back until you are in a safe place. they longer you stay, the more difficult it becomes.

  27. Linda

    August 21, 2018 at 6:36 pm

    It is a good and very important thing that a woman knows and loves herself very well before anyone else.
    The over-massaging of the ego, the cooking at midnight that you call submission, and no sign of you influencing him are NOT submission. He can perceive you don’t love yourself enough that you are ready to kill yourself for him. You are having the understanding of submissiveness very wrong. Please spot a good woman from a good home to learn from.
    You cannot love him right until you love yourself first.

    • didi

      August 21, 2018 at 8:53 pm

      You are a woman of substance, hmmm worded please tell us women ohh, if we value ourselves first we wouldn’t settle for some things, its not by brazillian weavon or polished english and going to havard, behind closed doors what do you think of yourself? People can easily spot a low self esteem and the natural man would take advantage of it, they then define you because you dont know yourself. I always advice youths if you don’t know yourself, you have no business getting married. Remember you can deceive people but not yourself or God.

  28. Ghremdin45

    August 21, 2018 at 6:40 pm

    Your husband is a devil. Run without looking back!

  29. Nahum

    August 21, 2018 at 7:02 pm

    My dear…..this is not a Nigerian man behaviour, this is the behaviour of a mad man. Please take your child and run home to your people. Submission will not make this situation better, I can guarantee you it just might make it worse.

  30. Seyi

    August 21, 2018 at 8:30 pm

    I am actually married to one but the only difference is the physical abuse and oral sex and bathing in front of him thing. Seriously planning my escape with my daughter. My parents are even in support but are telling me to exercise caution and not let him know what I want to do.

  31. Seyi

    August 21, 2018 at 8:33 pm

    I didn’t know they was someone like me in such a situation. I thought I was the only one. My MIL is begging me to stay and manage him that he will get better, that his father treated her worse and that’s is why she left him

  32. Alterego

    August 21, 2018 at 9:59 pm

    I’m so afraid of marriage. The hold, the hold that would make someone stay with someone abusive. And see death, despair and unhappiness looking you in the eye and still decide to stay. Cooking till 1am, rough sex, you touching yourself? The unspeakable cruelty. Are you kidding me? People should share the good things of a marriage. Please , before I freaking lose my bloody mind. Let me smile and feel good.
    Goddammit.

  33. John

    August 21, 2018 at 10:50 pm

    39+. Comments???

    Na this type of article dey bring out all the BN voltrons.
    Seeing some usual bitter names.

    I have to give it to Nkem Ndem for successful dangling the fake bait that all of you fall into.

    Make I wake dey go ??????

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      August 22, 2018 at 11:48 pm

      Dear John,

      A lot of people today are suffering a slow death behind the façade they present to the world, due to the heavy burdens caused by traumatic relationships, financial problems, mental/physical illness or just the stress of day-to-day living.

      When we hear emerging news of suicides as their way out, we start asking the redundant question of “why didn’t they say something? He/she could have just spoken up instead of suffering in silence”.

      I think it’s cruel that you would casually deride a person’s pain, just to get in your jabs. Let the poster be free to share and let the “voltrons” give their counsel as they please; this wholly negative attitude of lying in wait to attack certain posts is very mentally unhealthy and the bile produced as a result cannot be doing any physical good either.

      Plus where can all that reductive energy take you, as a person? This blind hatred will only rob and drain you of life itself, it produces no good thing. You must realize how destructive it is, for you and whatever personal/social space you occupy so please think hard about it – what is the quality of human that you would prefer to die as?

      Selah.

  34. E.E

    August 21, 2018 at 11:59 pm

    Firstly, I think him making threats about the marriage ending, are exactly just that, threats, for the sake of keeping you on edge. Nevertheless, though; I understand divorce wasn’t something you envisioned, I think it’s the right thing to do. This “man” is nothing but a boy that feels power comes from demeaning a woman. Like other commentators stated, it can only get worse. Leave him. Wishing you the best.

  35. Secretwife

    August 22, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    Please op leave this mad man you call a husband. Hes a bully and a mad dog that needs urgent psychiatric treatment.

    Divorce is the only option. Before he makes yiu do what you never dream of and ruin your life. Please sister flee from this man ASAP.

    I am married to a Yoruba man and he literally kiss the floor i walk on. He loves me like no other man has except my Dad! I thank God evrryday for giving this man to me…

    Its not about tribe its about the person.

  36. L

    August 24, 2018 at 9:34 pm

    Yoruba men who are traditional and love throwing around the word “submission” have similar character. You can all deny it if you want. The truth remains the truth.

  37. TEMI TOPE

    September 27, 2018 at 9:34 pm

    which WORLD ARE WE\?? THIS REALLY EXISTS.. MY GOD.

    MADAME .. PLEASE, CLEAR OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE OOOO

  38. MERCY Achaye

    October 9, 2018 at 11:00 am

    RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND DO NOT LOOK BACK

  39. young lady

    November 19, 2018 at 3:01 pm

    I thought you will like to ask how to leave this abusive “marriage” of yours.
    I pray God grants you the grace to leave ASAP!

  40. Teni

    November 21, 2018 at 7:03 pm

    Hi Poster, I’m so sorry about the things you’re going through. I’ll be breif though. Your husband WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL YOU STAND UP TO HIM. It’s a Nigerian thing. They don’t respect or take kindly to weakness. The bad bad ones will take advantage of you. You need to stand up to him. Do it a little bit at a time. Start by refusing to be punished sexually or refusing to apologise when he treats you disrespectfuly. SAY NO. It will be hard but you must or you’ll just be enabling him. Make him see you. And if he refuses…. well… Move on… I went through this drama for 7yrs. So I know….

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