Be Transformed with The Catalyst: Dating With Self Confidence

Let me start by sharing stories two of my clients shared.  

Tunde

The first date I went on with my wife Tonia was a disaster. What happened at the end was what really endeared her to me. Our first date was at a theme park and she wanted to go on the newest and scariest rides. I didn’t have the heart and confidence to tell her how squeamish and fearful I was, so I foolishly played along because of her excitement. It was a terrible decision, what made matters worse was the fact that we had just had a 3-course meal in one of the fanciest and most expensive restaurants 30 minutes earlier. 

After the ride was over, we immediately left in an Uber because of how sick I felt. Guess what? I threw up all over myself and Tonia in the back of the car on the way home. 

She stayed calm, held me tight, comforted me and took me home. When we got home, she made sure I had a shower, put me to sleep, watched over me as I slept off. She then proceeded to wash all our clothes, dried them in the drier, ironed them and slept over. We had a very good laugh the following morning. If it was another lady, I may have messed everything up because of my lack of confidence to speak up.

What would you have done if you were me or Tonia on that first date?

Mary

We had been talking everyday on the phone for weeks, when we eventually agreed to meet up for a date, bloke showed up 1 hour 10 minutes late. I arrived at the venue about 30 minutes before the time set for our date. To let me know he was running late, all he did was send this text ‘running late girl’. This is me that I’m a stickler for time, in fact the minute he arrived, I called him out, and told him lateness was one of my pet peeves. 

Guess what his response was, ‘I think arriving on time for my first date makes me look unserious and too keen and that’s not cool, right’. I was so livid. This guy reeked of arrogance and pride, his ego was bigger than his head, he was very inconsiderate, and I thought there was no point continuing talking to him, so I cut it off immediately. Silly guy. 

Overconfidence leads to arrogance and pride and this can destroy your relationship. If you were Mary, what would you have done? 

Dating can be a nerve-wracking experience for many people. After all, you could be meeting your future spouse. It can also be a very vulnerable experience. The whole point of dating (usually) is to get to know someone else on an intimate level, or at least beginning this process. For whatever reason, and there are many, most people want to make a good first impression. At the very least, most people want to avoid rejection. Dating is a prime opportunity for this. Whether you’re looking for a fun night out or a long-term development, rejection can occur either way, and it can be difficult to deal with. 

Self-doubt can come in many forms, from questioning one’s intelligence to one’s looks to one’s ability to tell a good joke. Dating puts it all out there. 

So how can you increase your confidence when it comes to dating? There are a few things you can do:

Understand that a date is just a date, it shouldn’t define you

Yes, you may meet your future spouse, but this is far beyond the scope of the date. No matter how desperate you may be feeling to finally settle down, focus only on the date, not where it may or may not lead. Putting more pressure on it makes it harder for both of you. The other person is likely to sense your “desperation” (for lack of a better word), and you end up putting way too much pressure on yourself. 

Enjoy the time together. If you don’t, don’t blame yourself for how it turned out or consider yourself not worthy of dates, you’ll never find someone, or that you’ll be single for the rest of your life.

Get over yourself and leave all your insecurities at home

We all have some level of insecurity, to help deal with yours, try focusing on the other person instead of yourself on that date. Show a genuine interest in what he or she has to say, let the other person have the spotlight. Not only does this help keep you from focusing on your insecurities, it also helps accomplish what dates are meant to do – get to know someone else better. 

Ask questions, listen to the answers, and ask more follow up questions that keep the conversation flowing and interesting. Find and talk about common interests. Above all, try to avoid talking about yourself the whole time or worrying too much about how you look, what you’re saying, and what type of impression you’re creating. 

Try something new and different

If the idea of sitting through a quiet dinner with someone you barely know makes you break out into a sweat, consider dating activities that involve a bit more involvement. 

Take a tour to a zoo, or museum, go bowling or roller blading, go watch a movie that you can talk about after or do some other activity that keeps you moving. If you have something to do, you can focus less on feeling awkward and more on the conversations and experience. 

At the end of the day, what matters the most on a first date, is keeping the atmosphere light, having fun, creating great memories and laughs and making each other feel more comfortable and confident. 

The next time you have a first date, make sure if you’re like John, tell your date about your issues upfront. Don’t go throwing up all over the place and wasting the money spent at the fancy expensive restaurant. Haha